Question to the psychologist:
I dated him twice a week for a year and was in love the whole time and got worse and worse. He is my teacher and he is married. At the end of the year, I had the choice to switch to another teacher, but I could not physically "tear myself" from him. But he himself, seeing that I was painfully reacting to his every word with tears, refused me, and from the understanding that we would not see each other again, severe depression developed, I constantly cry, I can’t study, I stopped going to school, every day I feel that my psycho-emotional and physical health is getting worse, I plan suicide and try to cope with the rolling panic attacks and the feeling of creepiness and darkness inside myself, I can endlessly stupidly sit, buried in a point in front of me, and think about my dark. Tell me where you can go (preferably free, I have no money while I was studying), there is no money for medicines either, what can I do, I can’t live like this anymore. I will wait for an answer. Regards, Anna.
Hello Anna!
Probably, only when faced with unrequited love, a person begins to understand that not everything in his life develops as he wants! And it is especially bitter to realize that such a collision does not always go away with gaining experience and new knowledge about life, but is accompanied by painful experiences, destructive emotions and actions.
Unrequited or unrequited love is a challenge to those stereotypes in human behavior that are based on one's own omnipotence, on the desire to control everything in one's life, on the belief that nothing is impossible for a person who wants to!
Now, when exactly this way of building one's life and relationships with others is being actively promoted, it is especially difficult to understand that at least two people are needed for relationships. Moreover, their mere presence is no longer enough, it is also necessary that their interests and intentions coincide with each other. And here everything is possible: from complete coincidence and harmony between them, to the complete rejection of the other in the circle of their own lives by one of them who want to enter into a relationship.
The reaction to mismatches of intentions and desires can also vary from simply accepting the decision of the other, to completely denying such a possibility and trying to influence them both in accessible and socially acceptable ways, and those that can lead to unpredictable results.
The fact that your despair from developing relationships in this way, namely, the rejection of you and your feelings by your counterpart, has acquired the character of a prolonged depression with suicidal thoughts, may indicate that in your life there have either been too many refusals to accept you and your feelings, or you are faced for the first time with the fact that you may not receive what you so passionately desired. In both cases, I would recommend that you start working precisely on analyzing other situations in your life related to receiving or not receiving attention in your life or gaining confidence in your own value for other people who are especially significant to you. Independently, such work is possible only in a state of detachment from the situation itself, which obviously puts its possibility in your current conditions in doubt.
Such assistance can be obtained for free on sites where free consultations are practiced (demo versions, online consultations without payment), but, in today's conditions, their number is limited, basically everyone works in the primary "question-answer" mode without payment, subsequent communication takes place on the terms of payment.
But, personally, my experience shows that if a person is going to qualitatively change his life, understanding his psychological problems and looking for answers to questions that make his life problematic, then they will have time and money for this, because work on oneself has always been the most promising work of man.
You can try the Skype format, it can be cheaper than face-to-face consultations. Assistance in psychological matters is the work of specialists-psychologists-psychotherapists. But, the fact that this is a job for which specialists want to receive a reward is beyond doubt.
Hello dear men! Meeting a pretty girl and getting her attention is not as difficult as then achieving reciprocity. She can flirt, flirt, but at the same time not let her get too close and keep her distance all the time. Today I want to talk about what to do if a girl does not reciprocate. First, we will talk about the reasons for this behavior, and then we will decide what to do about it, depending on the situation.
Why does the girl you like not pay attention to you and does not want to start a serious relationship? There may be several reasons. Let's look at each in more detail so that you can understand what is happening in your case.
Excessive effort. Sometimes a guy tries too hard to please. He constantly writes to her, calls, invites her on dates, fills up with gifts. Yes, women definitely love attention. But there is a fine line here. You overdo it a little and that's it, you already evoke nothing but sympathy.
After all, it begins to seem that you are not a man, but just an errand boy. A woman does not want to feel that a man will come running to her at the first call. She wants to see a strong and independent, purposeful and self-confident. And such a guy will not run after a girl.
Banal and simple reason - you are not suitable for her. We are all looking for certain types of people. My friend chooses men solely on their appearance. She would never approach a blonde with glasses in her life, no matter how wonderful he was. Perhaps you just don’t fit her according to some criterion that she herself came up with. It's not scary. A person cannot please everyone without exception.
If it so happened that you fell in love with a young lady whom you have known for a long time, then she, most likely, simply does not see a gentleman in you. It happens that you communicate with a person for a long time, and then suddenly you realize that you are experiencing more serious feelings.
For example, falling in love with a neighbor, colleague, childhood friend, sister best friend and so on. She will still see in you that guy who can give salt or in childhood beat her with pillows with her brother for a couple.
Another option is that she already has feelings for someone else. When a girl is in love, all other men cease to exist for her. That's why she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. And here there is no chance of success at all. While she is passionate - you are just a person for her.
The oddities of girls sometimes reach the point of absurdity. Many young ladies seriously believe in horoscope, compatibility, moon calendar And so on. And if she read that you are incompatible, then no matter how good and great you are, she will not agree, because she will be afraid.
Her conviction will scream louder than anything else. One of my clients just for this reason still can not find a man.
In addition to the horoscope, her indifference may be due to high expectations. She is searching . But you didn’t come out tall, and your eyes are not so blue, and the jokes are not so funny, and so on ad infinitum.
Perhaps the young lady liked you, but her family expressed a categorical “no”. It also happens that the influence of the family greatly affects the decisions of the girl. If mom or dad didn’t like you, then the young lady will not be able to go against them and will refuse you, although she will internally continue to feel sympathy for you.
A woman may simply not be ready for a serious relationship at the moment. Recently she had a painful break, she was betrayed, deceived. Therefore, she is ready to just communicate and have fun, but there is no further to go somewhere.
And it also happens that a girl does not express her sympathy to you simply because she does not know about your feelings. When you try to hint to her, put likes on social networks, write non-binding messages, then she may not even think about something more than friendly communication. Here you need to be more decisive and straightforward.
For example, if she is not yet ready for a serious relationship - wait. Continue to communicate with her, show that you are not like her ex, who cheated on her and turned out to be a traitor. Or her family is against it, but the young lady herself has serious feelings for you.
Romeo and Juliet were from warring clans, if you remember. But love helped them overcome this obstacle. Here you have to win the trust and respect of her family. Yes, it will be difficult, but it is quite feasible task for you.
The second option is to let go. There is a saying: if you love, then let go. It often happens that we meet a person, we like him so much, we want to build a family with him, but the stars do not add up. Yes, it happens. You have to accept it, accept it and move on.
If a girl openly admitted to you that she does not see your future together, leave.
Keep looking and you will definitely find a girl who will not only reciprocate, but also want to share joys and sorrows for the rest of her life. Of course, finding your man is difficult. But it is not worth clinging to every option. Dare to let go.
The third is to understand yourself a little. Sometimes she just doesn't take you seriously. For example, colleagues say that you are a reveler, and so on. And she can't believe that you can want a serious relationship. She will have to prove otherwise.
If the young lady stopped communicating with you for some specific reason, then you need to find out and understand how to change and achieve reciprocity from her. It's not always easy for a guy. So don't be afraid to talk and ask. Sometimes a heartfelt conversation helps a lot in overcoming misunderstandings.
Have you figured out the reason why your lady does not want a relationship with you? What are you going to do now?
Be bold and confident.
Good luck!
Non-reciprocal feelings deal a strong blow to the psyche and self-esteem. There is a feeling of depression, dissatisfaction with oneself and life up to depression.
You can and should get rid of such feelings as soon as possible. We will tell you what to do in order not to build castles in the air and turn this page of life.
We figured out how to forget about suffering, even if a fiasco overtook our personal lives.
If today it seems to you that the object of your sighing still loves you a little, and tomorrow he disappears for a week, then there is no question of any love here. Check if your story is similar to the classic relationship between two lovers. Recognizing that your beloved does not reciprocate you is already a step towards a worthy way out of the situation.
And the next time you want to remind him of yourself or ask how he is doing, think about how it looks in his eyes. A person who is completely unnecessary to him constantly takes care of him. All he feels is indulgence. Do you want to be a servant at the feet of the master? Better do something more enjoyable.
“Out of sight, out of mind” is the motto of the initial stage of “rehabilitation”. Move away as far as possible from the object of sighing: a relatively long and long trip with an information detox (no need to constantly monitor his / her social media profiles) is a great option.
If, due to circumstances, it is impossible to avoid meetings, mentally distance yourself: even if a person is in the same space with you, this does not mean that you should think about him and only about him. Direct your thoughts in a pleasant direction: what else do you dream about, what do you want, besides the notorious “happiness in your personal life”?
You are not alone in experiencing heartbreak. Many have known the bitterness of unhappy love. And almost everyone did. Tell a loved one who has been in your shoes about your experiences. Gently ask what was his path, what helped. Sometimes it is enough to hear simple words: "As I understand you." And it gets easier.
Just do not make the mistake of many: do not turn this topic into a favorite. So you will constantly think about one person and it will be very difficult to forget about him. In order to speak out and listen to an opinion, a few conversations will suffice.
If you don’t want to take out love affairs beyond the boundaries of your personal space, look to culture: the topic of unrequited feelings is relevant, it’s not difficult to find books or films whose characters will make you rise from your knees.
When thoughts are consumed by unpleasant experiences, there is a great risk of triggering oneself. Even if cats scratch at heart, even if you don’t feel like doing anything at all, still pay attention to your appearance and health. Take a pleasant and fragrant bubble bath. Brew yourself a delicious and healthy herbal tea. Update your wardrobe or hair.
In no case do not start smoking (or increase the dose, if you already smoke) and fill grief with alcohol, do stupid and thoughtless acts that endanger your health or even life. Especially if this self-deprecation is aimed at the fact that the beloved will see how bad you are, and immediately understand everything. This won't happen. But ruin your health.
Emotions can be brought into balance in different ways. One of the most effective options is physical activity. They release negative energy. Run every morning. Or sign up for a gym, fitness, swimming pool. And even for horseback riding: get a positive charge not only from activity, but also from communication with a beautiful animal.
Combined version - dancing: both sports and creativity. Turn on your favorite music and dance until you drop, pretending to be the star of the party. Or go to study this or that type of dance in the studio. So you combine business with pleasure.
The Indians have a good saying: "The horse is dead - get off." Do not console yourself with vain hopes. There is nothing more destructive than waiting for a sudden interest from scratch or the return of a faded feeling. If you are systematically shown “dislike” towards you, do not come up with false excuses: “No, no! He/she is just shy, I will help him/her get over it.”
In fact, there is no desire, otherwise there would be opportunities and strength. To accept this fact will help a sober look at what is happening: remember your behavior in a situation where you do not want to go on a date or a party. Not a problem to find a hundred excuses, right?
Failures, including on the personal front, are part of life. If something did not go according to your plan, this is not a reason to get angry at all members of the opposite sex and hate yourself for imperfection. Trust that everything will work out for the best in the end. And do not wish harm to the object of unhappy love, because no one is obliged to sacrifice himself for the sake of your peace of mind.
Would you yourself begin to associate life with someone for whom you do not have sympathy, only out of pity? It is better to appreciate what good this person gave you, thank you and move on in life with your head held high and a smile.
Bring some philosophy into your life. Come up with or find a personal motto and have it in front of your eyes, or scroll through it regularly in your mind. Let it be a phrase that inspires peace and faith in the best. On the ring of King Solomon, there was an engraving with the inscription: "Everything passes, this too will pass." Why not use the experience of a wise ruler?
Non-reciprocal feelings deal a strong blow to the psyche and self-esteem. There is a feeling of depression, dissatisfaction with oneself and life up to depression.
On the other hand, if you gather all your strength and tactfully convey to your opponent that reciprocity is not worth waiting for, this will be the best and right decision. At the same time, it should be understood that the one whom you reject at this moment, the whole world is collapsing. The first reaction, even with the most tactful treatment, is usually: “Why is this happening to me? and "Why am I not worthy of love?" The next step will most likely be: “I will prove that I am worthy. Find out what you've lost."
Psychologists are sure that the more holistic and healthy a person is, the easier it is to survive rejection, to understand that this is just a failed meeting of two hearts, to prepare yourself for a new stage in your life, in which there is no longer room for illusions and dreams, but there is a real opportunity to meet mutual love. .
But the lover feels everything so acutely that even the most tactful explanation of dislike leads him to despair and can push him to the most irrational acts. Therefore, having decided to dot all the “and”, be prepared for a surge of the most violent emotions from your opponent. Try to choose the right words, place and time so as not to hurt the feelings of a person in love with you so deeply. But remember that it is your right not to reciprocate. Don't feel guilty about the other person suffering because of unrequited love.
Naturally, this should not be an SMS message, you should not use email or instant messengers. It is better to entrust your feelings (or rather their absence in our case) and thoughts, in the old fashioned way, to paper. Recall the classics, Tatyana Larina confessed her love to Onegin by writing a letter. In response, she also receives a letter from him, containing many reasons why they were not destined to be together, but the main motive is the lack of love:
Dreams and years have no return;
I won't renew my soul...
I love you brother love
And maybe even softer.
I do not blame: in that terrible hour
You have acted nobly.
You were right before me:
I am grateful with all my heart.
Psychologists advise to remember that the oppressive feeling of uselessness, rejection and emptiness that inevitably arises after such an explanation can develop into. To prevent this from happening, try to understand that you cannot make anyone fall in love by force, you should not turn into hell the life of both the person who refused you and your own. In fact, every second person is faced with a situation where love is not “for two”. If even the mention of a loved one hurts, try to remove correspondence with him, his photos or gifts from your field of vision, do not go to places associated with painful associations. Don't be alone, meet friends, take up hobbies, go on a trip. And remember that new horizons, new meetings are open before you. And who will definitely say in response to your confession: "I love you too."
