I want to ask you for advice, so as not to break again a bunch of firewood, which already lie between me and my common-law husband in a very big woodpile. The fact is that we have been living together for almost 3 years, he is 32 years old, I am 30 years old. We are planning a wedding in September. I have a 7 year old daughter from my first marriage. My beloved is on very good terms with her. She loves him. According to the horoscope, he is Libra, and indeed, he likes to weigh everything 100 times before he does something. Very smart, well-read. A nuclear physicist by profession. Very proud. He had never been in a relationship before me. Friends appreciate him, he is very good friend for everyone, always help, help out. All in all a good person. But there is a minus: he absolutely does not know how to compromise with a loved one and build relationships. Yes, to build. If offended, then it is for a long time. and always thinks he's right. During these three years together we quarreled, one might say often. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But what would be like this time ... probably never. All this happened on Sunday, three days ago. I must say that I am very quick-tempered, temperamental, emotional. I am very worried and sensitive to all problems. I found out that our mutual friend was pregnant with the second, and envied. My beloved pulls with the wedding, he doesn’t really want to have children. And all around marry, give birth. In general, resentment began to grow in me like someone. Although we have not quarreled for a long time, and were gentle and affectionate to each other. And three days ago, he came in the evening from the bath, and lay down on the bed to watch hockey. And I was waiting for him all day, I thought that he would come, and we would pay attention to each other and make love. I gently started to touch him. And he answered: “Well, let’s not today, I don’t want to now.” And I broke through, I flared up very strongly. She said a lot of rubbish. Called him cattle and all sorts of words. As a result, I got my way, we slept together. But it was not making love, but as a punishment for him and for me. No feelings, just an act. Then they went to sleep in silence. On the trail. day, I brought him to the conversation, and he admitted that he was ready to leave after this sex, and leave forever ... it shocked me of course. In general ... no matter how I tried during these three days to ask for his forgiveness, to caress him, everything is useless. He says that he has forgiven, but he cannot move away from this nightmare so quickly and says that he will not be able to live with such tantrums anymore. I myself understand that I went too far, but how insulting ... when your loved one does not want you. And that he does not want children, weddings. He also does not want to disperse, because. says he still loves me. And I’m sitting at work for the second day and roaring, I don’t know how to return everything so that it was as before: after all, we fell asleep and woke up in an embrace, kissed every 15 minutes, loved to just lie next to each other and stroke each other, take care of each other. And now for three days everything is different: we are like strangers, like neighbors ... How to be? How to return everything and not make new mistakes?
My husband and I have been living together for almost 3 years. We have a child, a 2 year old boy. A week ago, my husband and I got into a big fight. I said all sorts of nasty things to him, which I later regretted. She tried to make peace with him, approached him three times, apologized for everything she had said without thinking, and he didn’t even want to listen. We live in the same apartment and do not communicate, he plays with his son, but ignores me or goes to bed when I try to talk to him. Without end, he goes somewhere, comes late or does not come home to spend the night at all. What I cook, he does not eat, he buys himself separately. What he wants to prove by this - I do not know. I’m already tired without his communication and love, I don’t know how to make peace with him. Help me please. Tell me what to do and how to be.
Catherine, Stary Oskol, 24 years old / 06/28/12
It’s a pity you didn’t write the most important thing: what kind of “nasty things” you said to your husband. After all, this would make it possible to understand how adequate he is in his resentment towards you. Although for me the very fact that you allowed yourself in the heat of a quarrel to insult the person you supposedly love is proof of the opposite. Whatever the disagreements between loving people, only the one who does not value his partner will allow himself to humiliate him by saying nasty things. And you know, here really some apologies may not be enough. Sometimes such a verbal flow of dirt completely changes the attitude towards a person, even one who was originally loved. A tub of dirt becomes a cold shower for loving person. For example, would you continue a close friendship with a friend if she said nasty things to your face that would make your soul really bad? After such "revelations" relations, if they are restored formally, there will never be real cordiality in them. To be honest, I think you're at an impasse right now. Perhaps the husband still comes home only because of the child, and if he was not there, he would stop coming at all. He doesn't need your apologies - that's the saddest thing about your situation. That is, to continue to follow him and ask for forgiveness is a useless exercise. He does not need you to humiliate yourself now in front of him - this will not bring him satisfaction. He really doesn't want to talk to you. What did you say to him? Apparently, something that made him understand that you do not respect him and do not value him at all. And most importantly, why did you do it and what did you try to prove in a quarrel with him with these insults? An absolutely unreasonable, unwise act for a woman if she does not have a goal to part with a man. And the saddest thing is that if you now offer him to temporarily live separately, he will agree without hesitation. And this is a direct path to divorce. He will not go to reconciliation for sure. And he doesn't need it from you. That's right, dead end. Try to tune in to his wave now and do the same thing: live a parallel life, as if you are roommates, nothing more. Separate right now, I repeat, this is a direct road to divorce. It's pointless to play with him. Call for a conversation - so far, too. It is necessary to pause so that the husband is tired of playing the role of the offended. Then it will be possible to invite him to discuss what happened (I hope you can do without nasty things, as well as you can not remind him how many times you asked for his forgiveness to no avail). Not now, but after some time (if you tune into his wave, you will understand when to do it), invite him to discuss your future. And ask him to make a decision already: whether he wants to stay with his family or not, because life in a communal apartment with a man who does not need you, who does not want you and does not love you anymore, is not included in your plans.
Of course, I don’t know what you managed to say to your husband, but be that as it may, he behaves strangely. In such a situation, in my opinion, it is necessary to bring the situation to some logical point. In your case, this, in my opinion, is a conversation about divorce. Well, you must admit, for your part, you have already apologized, and more than once. However, the husband continues to engage in nonsense and is not going to do anything to normalize the situation. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's impossible to live in the current conditions. And if so, since you coexist as neighbors, isn't it better to dot it? At the very least, such a conversation can knock the situation out of the current channel. Although, of course, you can let everything take its course and just wait. In theory, people cannot live side by side for too long and not communicate. However, who knows where your husband is running? Maybe he just has another woman, and he is happy to use your quarrel to go to her? In this case, this whole circus can drag on for a very long time. And then all the more worth starting a conversation about divorce.
Alena | Sergey
3 6
Mar 16 2018
Hernandez
Hello! I am 32 years old, married with three children. The youngest child is 1 month old. The situation is such that I perfectly understand my guilt, and this makes it even worse. In our family, my husband earns, I have no job. But he has a seasonal job and, as a rule, we spend the winter on pickles and jams and without money. Pregnancy, childbirth require a lot of expenses and there are debts, loans in my name. Now to the point...
On Women's Day, I allowed myself to drink too much, and a demon took possession of me. I began to show aggression towards my husband, yelling and insulting him, almost kicking him out of the house. She said such nasty things to him that it is not excusable! I hate myself. At first he wanted to leave, but then he stayed. But until now, he does not talk and does not notice me, and I don’t have enough darling to come up. I am so ashamed, I cry at night, but I can’t talk, because I can’t find words, and I’ll imagine that the conversation will be based on the fact that it will remind me of everything that I said. I have terrible depression, everything falls out of my hands, I break down on older children, they are offended that I yell at them and cry. How can I get out of this situation, because I understand that financial difficulties are not eternal and we can handle it, but it’s very difficult that there is no money, but you have to eat. And once or twice a week we look for someone to borrow from or go to the next MFI ... I don’t want to tell him that he is a man and has to feed his family, firstly, I already said that, and secondly, I need to make peace ... Help me get out out of depression and give advice.
Hernandez, hello!
Do you admit that you were wrong by insulting your husband?
Why are you afraid of talking with him and the fear that he will remind you of your intemperance?
I recommend to read
What do you want to get as a result of the consultation?
Mar 16 2018
Hernandez
Hello! The fact is that I am disturbed and frightened by his indifference to the situation in the family. The fact that you can find a temporary part-time job, for example. I can’t tell him anything extra, he immediately takes offense. And grievances for three or four days. And then it accumulated and expressed, but in a rude form and with insults. So that's what I really think of him. Now he thinks so that I just keep quiet and adjust, but I drank and said everything I think. And I wanted to prick him harder, why I don’t know.
Mar 16 2018
Hello!
Your sudden breakdown is really due to the fact that deep down you have accumulated a large amount of discontent:
financial difficulties are not eternal and we will cope, but it is very difficult that there is no money, but you have to eat
There is a quote on the Internet - "if you want to have something that you didn't have before, you need to do something that you didn't do before."
Most likely, you will accumulate discontent until the next breakdown. You can suppress these feelings, this is the "experience of depression"
As for the quarrel with your husband, then, apparently, you have developed a system of influences on each other, such a mutual dance of quarrels and insults. If you want to make peace - just come up and apologize. But after a while everything will return to normal. To prevent this from happening, you need to dig deeper into the situation, analyze it, and be ready to change it.
My situation is as follows. I am a single mother, I separated from the father of the child 5, 5 months ago. My daughter is now almost six months old. I would like to reconcile with the father of the child, Mikhail. Whether I love him, I can’t say specifically, but I think I love him. I am very attracted to him by his virtues: he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, almost doesn’t swear, he’s not a womanizer, he’s not a convict, he’s not a drug addict, he’s a homebody, smart, he can do a lot of things: cook, cut, make furniture out of wood, etc. in a word, very talented, and also handsome ... We met for almost 4 years. Everything was generally normal, only some things didn’t triple it in me: I’m not a good hostess, I don’t have a very good figure and style clothes, in his opinion, but I was not happy with the fact that I really lacked affection, tenderness and care from him, lately he rarely hugged me. before him, I had an abortion, I had inflammation, and I was afraid that I would not be able to have children, especially since I met him for about 3 years, and I did not get pregnant. And yet, I got pregnant. I was delighted, but I was delighted not that I would have a child as such, but first: that I was not barren, avo-2: I thought that the child would bring Misha and me closer. I thought that the child was something that we need. But! Just from that moment we started having scandals with him. He didn’t want a child, he was even scared when I told him about it. I am 22 years old, he is 24 years old. He suggested that I have an abortion, arguing that we do not have our own housing and we both do not work. I finished my 5th year at the university. I insisted on my own - that I would not have an abortion. For some reason, at that moment I was sure that we would not part, I was sure that we would be together. A week later, he had already come to terms with this news. Then I went to his practice in the village. And then it began. For some reason, I fantasized to myself that everyone should treat me like a queen. His mother calmly reacted to this news, and I thought that she would be delighted. For the past 3 years, we had a good relationship with her. Misha and I had scandals: I didn’t cook it right, then I didn’t cook enough, we fought over where to live - in his village, or in mine, or else - on what income to live. I was against him raising cows. I really missed his care and affection. My father, having learned that I was in a position, invited them to us for New Year . They didn’t have any money. It made me very angry. I went to them, got offended, freaked out, cried, then I started shouting, shouting to him and his mother: can I have an abortion, will it be easier for you? In short, blackmailed. They did not have basic food in the house. I freaked out that they did not borrow money and did not buy normal food for me ... Then I started talking about legitimizing the relationship. He was against it, arguing that it was never too late to sign. We need to live like this, otherwise we will suddenly scatter quickly. I was already in the city, took exams, went to the hospital, called him for tests, he didn’t go, they cursed again. , called me more often ... In short, she behaved like a spoiled child. Then she went to them on March 8th. There we even fought a couple of times because of some trifle. He decided to leave me. Said he couldn't stand my temper anymore. I called him out of anger, he hung up, turned off the phone for a week, I called his mother, complained about him, cried, threatened with courts, DNA, alimony, had a big fight with her that time. Then he forgave me on the condition that I change my character, stop behaving like a hysteric, and I will no longer call his mother. I agreed. And then I began to break myself: I’ll call, he yelled, hung up, saying that he had no time. I kept silent, although I also wanted to yell and call names. He told me all sorts of nasty things: that a dog is more dear to him than a child, that he doesn’t give a damn, that the child will have nerves, it’s a damn thing when and where I will give birth ... To my question: will he come to meet me from the hospital, he answered : if there are no more important things to do! It all terribly infuriated me, but I was silent, agreed to go to his village. This is how we communicated until the birth. Then I gave birth. He came to pick me up from the maternity hospital with his mother, he wanted to adopt a child, take us to his village after I would have issued the children's ... For 10 days everything was fine. But then the slightest skirmish and I exploded. I remembered everything to him, all his offensive words, began to kick him out, threw jeans in his face, shouted that I didn’t need a child, let him clean up with him. He sat up and roared. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but my grievances took over. I told him: revi-revi, I also cried the whole pregnancy. In short, a terrible scandal erupted. My mother took his side, I ran away from home for a day, leaving him and the child at home. I called his mother again, saying some nonsense, like let them come to share the child. Then she returned for another day, where his parents really came. I again carried all sorts of nonsense out of anger and resentment (he is so good, and I am so bad): that I only need alimony from him, that I am not going to live with him, otherwise we will kill each other ... And he left. When he left, he kissed his daughter and cried again. I wanted to stop him, to say that it was not true, that it was all out of anger and resentment, but I did not dare. Now I want to return it, but how can I prove that I admitted my mistake, that he is dear to me, that this is not true? He does not want to talk to me on the phone, he does not call himself, only I call, we only talk about my daughter, he talks to me dryly and coldly. Do I have any chance? I can not understand, he is still offended by me, or I am so disgusted with him. I want to go to his village with the child for reconciliation, but I cannot dare. I already apologized, he seems to have forgiven. But I can't dare to ask him to come back. I'm afraid that he will laugh and gloat over me. How to overcome your fear? Maybe write a letter?
Mar 16 2018
Hernandez
Hello! I am 32 years old, married with three children. The youngest child is 1 month old. The situation is such that I perfectly understand my guilt, and this makes it even worse. In our family, my husband earns, I have no job. But he has a seasonal job and, as a rule, we spend the winter on pickles and jams and without money. Pregnancy, childbirth require a lot of expenses and there are debts, loans in my name. Now to the point...
On Women's Day, I allowed myself to drink too much, and a demon took possession of me. I began to show aggression towards my husband, yelling and insulting him, almost kicking him out of the house. She said such nasty things to him that it is not excusable! I hate myself. At first he wanted to leave, but then he stayed. But until now, he does not talk and does not notice me, and I don’t have enough darling to come up. I am so ashamed, I cry at night, but I can’t talk, because I can’t find words, and I’ll imagine that the conversation will be based on the fact that it will remind me of everything that I said. I have terrible depression, everything falls out of my hands, I break down on older children, they are offended that I yell at them and cry. How can I get out of this situation, because I understand that financial difficulties are not eternal and we can handle it, but it’s very difficult that there is no money, but you have to eat. And once or twice a week we look for someone to borrow from or go to the next MFI ... I don’t want to tell him that he is a man and has to feed his family, firstly, I already said that, and secondly, I need to make peace ... Help me get out out of depression and give advice.
Hernandez, hello!
Do you admit that you were wrong by insulting your husband?
Why are you afraid of talking with him and the fear that he will remind you of your intemperance?
I recommend to read
What do you want to get as a result of the consultation?
Mar 16 2018
Hernandez
Hello! The fact is that I am disturbed and frightened by his indifference to the situation in the family. The fact that you can find a temporary part-time job, for example. I can’t tell him anything extra, he immediately takes offense. And grievances for three or four days. And then it accumulated and expressed, but in a rude form and with insults. So that's what I really think of him. Now he thinks so that I just keep quiet and adjust, but I drank and said everything I think. And I wanted to prick him harder, why I don’t know.
Mar 16 2018
Hello!
Your sudden breakdown is really due to the fact that deep down you have accumulated a large amount of discontent:
financial difficulties are not eternal and we will cope, but it is very difficult that there is no money, but you have to eat
There is a quote on the Internet - "if you want to have something that you didn't have before, you need to do something that you didn't do before."
Most likely, you will accumulate discontent until the next breakdown. You can suppress these feelings, this is the "experience of depression"
As for the quarrel with your husband, then, apparently, you have developed a system of influences on each other, such a mutual dance of quarrels and insults. If you want to make peace - just come up and apologize. But after a while everything will return to normal. To prevent this from happening, you need to dig deeper into the situation, analyze it, and be ready to change it.
