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When a prince on a white horse appears in our life, and even with a marriage proposal, in our hearts we are incredibly happy: "this is happiness." But everything is not as simple as it might seem at first glance.
After the wedding, the prince no longer seems so perfect, “unexpectedly” it turns out that he scatters his socks, he is an ardent fan of some sports team, so there is no access to the TV in the hall ... In general, let's not talk about the bad. After all, we are not perfect either, and we ourselves can create the ground for a future break in relations.
You said as you and your husband walked past a shop window. But he will only look at him, and you will move on. He doesn’t even think that in this way you are hinting at a purchase, or at least a fitting. He does not understand what you want (yes, he does not understand his involvement in your hints at all), and therefore your expectations will not come true.
And then resentment will begin to multiply in the female head, and believe me, it will be completely unreasonable. Instead of hinting, say directly that you need that dress, or something else, and then argue why. Everything is much easier.
One of the most painful topics: he scatters socks everywhere, does not close the tube of toothpaste. Even if a man does not have such problems, a woman-saw will find and definitely find fault with any flaw, and will do this until the end of the marriage. Every day, reproach after reproach. But everything is useless, from excessive pressure it will never change. It is easier for a man to go to another who will not be so malicious in dealing with lovely house husbands. Therefore, be kinder.
We like to control everything, especially our husbands. Therefore, very often quarrels and scandals are connected with the fact that a man cannot breathe easy, because he must report to his wife about almost every movement. But why is this happening?
Girls often discuss with their girlfriends who cooked what, where it will be today, tomorrow, with whom, where to go on vacation, where to buy cheaper clothes, and so on. Therefore, the husband may appear to us as a kind of silent man, because upon arrival from work he does not tell too much. Then thoughts begin to arise in the female head: “Yes, he is hiding something from me!”. And constant phone calls begin to give a report on where he was, with whom, why, and what time he will be at home.
It would seem that this is the very quality called jealousy, besides, something might really come to light. But, we are smart girls, and we don’t want to spoil the marriage with constant interrogations. Therefore, if you want to check the fidelity of your husband, use more hidden opportunities. Even if your husband is hiding something, he personally will never tell the truth. The same goes for his friends. In the end, don't do what you don't want to do. Just imagine how hell it is when a jealous husband calls you every 5 minutes to find out where you are and with whom.
If you think that you can punish your husband by not having sex, then this is very bad advice. You are a family, not ordinary roommates. You are not small children to deprive your husband of "sweet" because of any misconduct. In addition, there are a lot of women around who are almost always in a good mood and do not have a headache. You will only be to blame for this.
As strange as it may sound, men are afraid of women who care too much about their husbands. Sometimes we ourselves choose a tie for him, clothes that he will wear during the day, we advise what is worth doing and what should be discarded. Overprotection imposes female superiority on a man, which will cause him to resist. Therefore, when a man says "I myself" - do not insist much. Do not put him in front of people for a small child.
We are all not perfect, so be more tolerant of each other and try to make concessions. And most importantly, to change someone - try to change yourself first.
Good evening, tell me how to be in this situation: soon I will become a married person to a girl who has a child, a child of 5 years old, we live in perfect harmony with my future wife, but as soon as the conversation comes about her son, we start to quarrel ... for it’s all very difficult for me, and I constantly notice only negative things in a child, then I don’t like the way he does, I don’t like it, she spoiled him very much, because she raised him alone, and there was no male support, and she’s growing, sorry for the expression, "duty-matyutya", and I was raised in a military family, where for the slightest misconduct I received a hat ... this child is not mine, I simply cannot raise my hand or yell at him, he does not listen to me, and all my conversations with him they end with "nothing", it all accumulates in me, and as a result we quarrel ... My wife tells me that you do not accept him, there is no upbringing on your part and support, but how can I give it to him? tell me how to understand the situation, otherwise I don’t know where it will lead, I’m already tired of this confrontation ....
Ivan, Russia, 24 years old
Hello Ivan.
In order for a child to have trust, interest, time is needed, sufficient authority, but for now he sees that he annoys you, because you are used to being treated harshly, and the child is used to being treated gently, carefully, gently, protectively. Only you have the power, not him. You are an adult, you can psychologically push the child away, get angry at him, you can deal with what you are experiencing, but how can a child cope with the fact that you treat him like that? Did he choose the method of upbringing, does he have the mental ability to manage the situation, how can he experience the fact that a person, a man who is next to his mother, who should protect him, give him a sense of confidence and security, is angry and annoyed, and wants to be the way he is accustomed to, how he thinks it is right, because that's how it was with him? Imagine yourself as this child. What would you feel? He is just a child. If you do not have parenting experience, you can turn to a child psychologist with your wife or on your own.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
In this article about the new psychology of relationships with a married man, I will tell you secrets that are not customary to talk about.
Many women simply do not want to know about them, because they expect suffering from a relationship with a man, unconsciously or on purpose. And married people do not talk about what they really want from relationships on the side, for the reason that this truth is unpleasant for them, and bitter for women. Where better to present everything under a romantic sauce of flared passion and rainbow promises! The higher the castle of illusions, the more painful it is to fall ... Therefore, I would call my revelations
To begin with, let's clarify how a family man differs from an ordinary man. The difference is huge, believe me. Married means accomplished: having received what you want - status, a woman, or self-affirmation. So, women, how can you surprise a married man who, albeit temporarily, has lost the instinct of a hunter and conqueror? Mind-blowing sex?.. Do you like cakes? Sooner or later, sweets fill you up, and you want something spicy. Are you ready to guess the tastes of a man and be different? I already hear a protest - they say, I do not intend to adapt to anyone ... The psychology of relations with a married man is a refined art to awaken a new attraction in him, to receive care, and, possibly, love ... If a woman wants only sex and template gifts from a relationship with a family man occasion - is it a game? Just the need to take advantage of a man for the sake of his pleasure. Do you like being used?
Psychology, especially in love, does not tolerate stamps. If you want to keep a man, free or married, play not on his organ, but on the organ of his soul. He will be doubly grateful - after all, a person was emphasized in him, and not just a male. No need to put pressure on him “when will you get a divorce ?!” and "I want to get married!" A married man is not a grape. Grow it gradually and patiently, and it will generously delight you with its fruits. If you want to squeeze all the juice out of it, be prepared to use an unfortunate spin soon.
The psychology of relationships with a married man is a delicate strategy. The wisest one wins this fight. A skilled woman will arrange things so that everyone will be fine: her, the man and his family. Surely, this approach is new to you and will seem strange. To sort things out with his wife, to talk nasty things about her, to demand that she get a divorce - it's like dancing barefoot on a red-hot scorched field. First of all, burn yourself! When the time comes, what will a married man choose: a cozy home, in which, if not 100%, but sure, or a shaky connection with a capricious hysterical woman? .. You don’t need to be a psychologist to understand. Of course, there are those who prefer the latter - thrill seekers. But when the adrenaline evaporates, the man will get tired of taming the obstinate mare, and he will want a calm, measured rest.
Now about women's desires. The psychology of relations with a married man will develop successfully only thanks to the correct actions of a woman. First of all, don't deceive yourself. What do you really want out of a relationship with him? “Love and communication”, as one of my acquaintances said. The answer is as old as the world. The time for rose-colored glasses is over. Now the new reality - sincerity is held in high esteem. First of all, in front of you. Admit why you need a relationship with a married man:
There are many benefits. The more frank you are, the less disappointment you will experience. It is not necessary to tell a man about your real intentions. Psychology is a subtle matter, and is guessed without words ...
Patiently build a bridge to his heart:
As long as you remain at least a little secret for him, he will pick up the key to you ... Men love to overcome difficulties. Perhaps there will be indignation: “Why should I do everything? Let him try!" The successful psychology of a relationship with a married man starts with you... If he feels the reliability of your intentions, he will respond in kind. But it may happen that you fell in love, and he only needs sex. Don't waste yourself, go away. Why grow flowers for someone who does not smell their fragrance? ..
There was also a married man in my life - Sultan Shahriyar. Women who gave him only carnal caresses were killed in the morning. I stayed alive only because I started talking to him, lulling his aggression with fairy tales, and, most importantly, cutting off my fascinating stories in mid-sentence to kindle in him the desire to see each other again, and again. Men love with their ears much more than women. Do you know this?.. Use these new secrets and turn your relationship with a married man from an ordinary need into a pleasure!
How to choose a wife for yourself, so as not to suffer later, what pitfalls await a man in marriage, said Bishop Panteleimon of Orekhovo-Zuevsky.
A good wife is a man's reward
Finding a good wife is the hardest thing in life! But then, if you make the right choice, there will be a reward for life. There is nothing better in the world than a good, good wife.
Career, money, football, friends - all this is nonsense. The main thing is a family and a wife who is loving, kind, understanding, sacrificial, caring, affectionate, a good mother for children.
This is where you can and should work hard. Unless a man has chosen the path of a monk, when for the sake of God he renounces worldly attachments and does not start a family.
Choose your wife carefully
You don't have to meet randomly. You should not offer your hand and heart to everyone in a row, so that, looking at the reaction, choose your wife from those who agree. You are insured, but what is it like for a girl? Will you embarrass her and give her hope in vain?
Girls are gentle, trusting creatures, they quickly fall in love and are very worried when their feelings are not reciprocated. Women have a more subjective view of reality than men.
They trust their feelings more, so they easily believe that someone has fallen in love with them and is going to propose.
Keep this in mind: meet girls, but be very, very careful.
I had many such cases when a girl came to me and said:
There is a young man, I really like him, I would like to marry him.
Does he want you to be his wife? I ask a question.
I think he likes me too, he smiles at me all the time.
I call the young man:
There is such and such a girl, do you like her?
So so…
Why are you smiling at her?
I smile at everyone.
Be careful not to smile at everyone. Be restrained and careful, do not make unnecessary promises.
If you are looking closely at an Orthodox girl, I advise you to go to her parish before you meet. See who she goes to confession to, talk to this priest. Tell him that you like this girl. Ask if you can meet her. Maybe she is already engaged, waiting for a groom from the army and therefore walks alone. Or maybe she is not in the mood to get married and is preparing for monasticism. The confessor will warn you about this and give you advice that will help you avoid getting into an awkward situation.
But the meaning is not only that the girl's confessor will give you advice. It is important to find out with whom your future wife will solve spiritual and family problems.
It is very good to know what kind of person this is, what kind of priest this is. Is he strict, are you ready to recognize his authority.
Find out more about the girl before meeting. See what she writes on her social networks, who her friends are, what her interests are. It happens that a girl is Orthodox in appearance, but on her page you don’t understand what: she is “in active search” and believes that you can demonstrate your beauties, discuss some inappropriate topics. This happens, unfortunately, be careful. Before you get acquainted, take a closer look, think, weigh all the pros and cons.
How to take the first step?
It is better not to start with a decisive step. It is very binding. Sometimes friends invite lonely people to visit with the intention of introducing them. In this case, both know which meeting they are going to, and it can be awkward.
It's better to chat casually. For example, you found out that the girl is a volunteer. Sign up to volunteer, go to meetings, sit next to a girl during a tea party or at a concert, talk casually.
When you take the first step - taking her to the movies or for a walk - you already impose some obligations on yourself.
Therefore, it is better to get acquainted by chance, gradually. In order not to hurt the girl, not to reassure her in vain if you cannot marry her later.
Don't look for the perfect look
Some people like blondes, some brunettes. Some are slim, some are plump. I had a friend who was looking for a wife with glasses. He thought if she wore glasses, she would certainly be smart. Someone would like his wife to sing beautifully.
But you should not focus on the appearance of the girl. You need to pray to God and ask that the marriage be according to the will of God. It is most important. First of all, you need to think about what kind of heart she has, does she know how to love sacrificially, does she love children, is she ready to educate them, is she neat, is she ready to respect your opinion? These qualities are essential in marriage.
No matter how beautiful the girl is, you will not put her in a corner and admire her for thirty years.
In the end, she will grow old, her hair will turn gray, there will be changes in her figure. But you don’t get married in order to brag to your friends, but in order to live life next to her. So that she loves you, that she tolerates you, that she cooks for you, that she helps you. You yourself are far from "Apollo".
It's best to be peers
Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) said that an age difference of more than five years is already some kind of obstacle to marriage. This is not an absolute obstacle, but it is still better for the wife to be about the same age as her husband.
Of course, it happens otherwise. So, for example, the famous Moscow pastor, wise and experienced confessor, Archpriest Vsevolod Shpiller was ten years younger than his wife Lyudmila Sergeevna. Their marriage was very happy, they loved each other very much.
But I also know other cases: when young men, having chosen a wife 5 or 10 years older than themselves and having received a blessing for this marriage, then began to court young girls and marriages were destroyed. This happens, unfortunately.
Who to consult?
I am very afraid when they turn to the so-called. "Elders" and they easily bless the marriage of two people unknown to them. One must be very careful with such "blessings". In our age, you need to create a family with a girl for whom there is a feeling of love, and not with the one whom "father said" to marry.
Sometimes there is physical hostility towards another person, something elusive in him is not pleasant. Someone else may not notice this, but you notice and you are uncomfortable, unpleasant to be around. Someone sniffs his nose, someone picks his teeth with a toothpick, someone adjusts his clothes ugly ...
You need to make a decision, relying on God, praying, but on your own. You don't choose your parents, you don't choose your children, but you can choose your wife. And this choice is very serious. Talk to your confessor, consult with your parents.
Mind and heart must approve of your choice
Love must be combined with reason. You can't act on feelings alone.
When they say: “This feeling is stronger than me! I can't handle it!" - this is not true love, but a sinful passion: deceitful, selfish and exalted. Love must be in harmony with reason.
But there can be no purely rational choice: yes, she is beautiful, rich, humble, meek, she has a good confessor, she has an apartment, her parents are rich, she will do! I'm getting married! And the heart is silent.
No, it is necessary that there be a feeling for the girl, and that the mind agrees with this. When there is agreement between mind and heart, this is exactly the right choice.
Trial period - one year
My advice to you is to wait with the wedding at least a year after you have already proposed. Sometimes this period can be shortened, but it is better to wait. Women are changeable people. Much depends on their mood: in spring they are alone, in autumn they are different, in winter, perhaps, they become discouraged, and in summer, on the contrary, they become too active.
And do not forget that when a girl wants to please you, she can make a deceptive impression on you.
She will look into your mouth, agree with everything you say, and treat you very respectfully. And then everything can change.
It's good to do something together at this time. Participate in common projects. Find an opportunity to be with a girl nearby both in business and in leisure.
You can go to museums together, you can go to the theater or to the skating rink, talk more. It is important to see a person in a variety of life situations.
Pay attention to how your chosen one communicates with her parents, with her friends, what she loves, how she dresses, how often she goes to church, how she spends her free time, how she spends her vacation. Otherwise, you may marry a girl you don't know at all. And in marriage, your life together will become a complete torment - your habits will turn out to be so different, incompatible. Therefore, I repeat once again: in no case should you rush.
First kiss - at the wedding
It is very important during the acquaintance - all this year until the wedding - to remain chaste. Learn chastity. The first kiss is allowed only at the end of the wedding.
I'll explain why. In man there are certain mechanisms that are created by God. Not bad mechanisms, good ones. They are needed so that there are children, so that there is an expression of love, so that people unite into one, not only in soul, but also in body. There is nothing wrong.
But these mechanisms should turn on only when you have chosen your wife as a person, and not as a partner to satisfy carnal desires. Although, of course, marital relations are a very important component of family life, but marriage is also a school of chastity, marriage is also a school of abstinence.
Sooner or later, close relationships will end - well, at sixty, well, at seventy, at eighty, maybe. Therefore, it is impossible to base a family on them.
Bodily relationships are a consequence of marriage, they are natural in marriage, but should not be the main ones. The main thing should be love for your wife, care, attention, sympathy, the desire to learn to love.
The joy of marital relations is short-lived and short-lived, and with this person you will have to live your whole life. There is also the joy of friendship, the joy of spiritual communion, the joy of working together and raising children.
Married - kiss for health!
When you have established your decision to connect life with this girl, God and your parents have blessed you - then after the wedding you can start all the mechanisms, kiss to your health! Maybe you shouldn't show it off. At our parish weddings, they do not shout “bitterly”, and the newlyweds behave with restraint. And before the wedding, you need to avoid everything that can strengthen carnal feelings and lead to serious sin.
Some say: "We must try in advance, it will work or not." This is not a Christian approach at all. You can and should pray to God that “everything will work out”. And we pray during the sacrament of marriage for the unity of souls and bodies.
But bodily relationships are often a source of grief in a marriage. Over time, some of the spouses become bored, they become unnecessary, and vice versa for some. There are bound to be some inconsistencies here. You don't have to be afraid of it.
Just don't make that side of the marriage dominant.
If carnal desires begin to be cultivated before marriage, a person loses chastity, the integrity of consciousness, becomes one-sided. It diminishes the spiritual, spiritual component of his human nature. The mind and higher feelings are clouded by prodigal passion. Marriage is not based on true, self-sacrificing love, but on the desire to satisfy the flesh. I think this is the main reason for the destruction of the family in our time.
Therefore, it is important to develop friendly, trusting human relationships before marriage. Then the carnal aspect will become their natural completion and take its rightful place in the whole spectrum of family relationships.
Prodigal passion is a dark moonless night, it crushes the soul with its weight, makes a person a slave to the rebellious flesh, deprives of freedom, tears away from communion with God, plunges into the hopeless darkness of impurity. The close relationship of the spouses is blessed by God, expresses their desire for complete unity, acquires meaning in the conception of the fruit of love - a child. Here the flesh follows the soul, is cleansed in the fire of love, and serves as an expression of love.
The joy of close marital relations, inspired by love for the closest person in the world, was never dreamed of by fornicators and harlots, in whom all pleasure comes down to satisfying carnal needs.
Husband's First Duty
Remember that your first duty as a husband is to love your wife. Women are different. They know how to love more, they are more gentle, often more faithful. They have a beautiful, moving soul. They are more attentive, more caring. And more fragile, weaker.
A man who is going to get married must be ready in advance to protect his wife, understand her weaknesses, endure her shortcomings, listen to her feelings, console her.
You need to be firm in matters of principle, and in the little things - let her do as she likes. If you want something else, please.
The wife must certainly have a field of activity in which she decides everything herself.
With small children, for example, let him do as he sees fit. Don't get involved. They will grow up, you will study with them, tell, explain, etc. In the meantime, they are still babies, leave the wife the opportunity to make decisions for herself. Support her.
Don't be afraid to be kind
When you first meet a girl, you are ready to talk to her for hours. And when she becomes your wife, it turns out that you are more interested in going to friends.
But the wives are waiting for your attention. They complain to me at confession: “When he comes home, he is silent, does not say a word.”
Before entering the house, stand on the platform, read "Our Father" three times.
Whatever happens during the day at work, you should come home joyful, hug your wife.
You can give her a bouquet of flowers, a chocolate bar, or whatever she likes.
Gifts to the wife should be given not only for her birthday, but more often in order to somehow support her. Because at home with children it will be very difficult for her.
You are at work, you have friends and acquaintances there, maybe you didn’t work, but sat on the Internet all day. You have an interesting life there, but your wife has the same thing every day - children, cleaning, kitchen.
It is not so easy for a modern woman.
Therefore, at home you must support your wife, help wash the dishes, clean up. Do not say that "this is a woman's business, my business is to work, your business is to take care of the house." It is not right. The traditional distribution of gender roles does not work now.
Do not be afraid to be different - do not be afraid to be affectionate, gentle, caring and help your wife. Coming home, do not demand services from her for yourself. Be sure to talk to her.
You talked at work, and she had no one to talk to at home. And do not swear that she talks a lot on the phone: women have a greater need for conversations than you and I.
I must point out that things are different. One woman complained to me that her husband, having come home, pesters her with conversations and questions, and she wants to rest. Therefore, my advice is to talk more, communicate with my wife - not unconditional. You need to understand how you can please her - with conversation or silence, and choose what she needs now.
Do not immediately eradicate the shortcomings
Act slowly.
One man told me that his wife eventually began to snore. At first he woke her up, and then he thought: “I'm waking her up, but she's tired. I'd rather be patient a little.
Let me not sleep, but she will sleep.” And stopped waking her up.
He told me that he felt very good in his soul, as if he had accomplished some kind of ascetic feat. Even such small feats of sacrificial love are very important in family life. And the family will be strengthened. By the way, through his prayers, his wife stopped snoring.
Make sure your wife rests
Don't interfere with your wife's legitimate pastimes.
Women love to go shopping and shopping. And let her walk, you don’t have to walk with her, you can sit in the car, wait until she returns.
It is important to understand that for a wife it is a vacation, an opportunity to escape from the domestic routine. Maybe this is not entirely correct, but this is how women have fun, relax.
Another recreational option for some women is to read something on the Internet. The main thing is that she does not go there for the whole day. To do this, do not give your wife a bad example, try not to linger on the net yourself. I saw families where everyone has their own tablet, they sit, drink tea, and everyone looks at something on their tablet. I'm afraid there is no communication in this family.
Don't shy away from childbearing
There should be as many children in a marriage as God wills. You need to discuss this topic with your wife even before marriage, so that she is ready for this. Find out in advance if she agrees. To live otherwise is a sin.
The birth of children is salvation for a woman. She may be losing her outer beauty, but gaining inner beauty - the beauty of her soul. Mothers of many children are very wise women, very good, reliable, wonderful, amazing people.
Carrying a child, a woman does hard work. This must be remembered. During pregnancy, a woman becomes irritable, nervous, easily breaks down. You need to be especially careful with her, affectionate, gentle. Especially tolerate it during this period.
But when the wife gives birth to a child, she will blossom so much - you simply cannot get enough of it. There are such wonderful women after childbirth - amazingly beautiful, surprisingly complacent, surprisingly joyful. And the child himself also brings joy to the family. Each new child is a completely new person, unlike anyone else, special.
Stay at home and pray
I would not allow my wife to give birth at home. There are very sad cases. And in the hospital to be present at the birth, I think the husband should not. Even if the wife really asks. It's better to avoid it. I was once at childbirth when there was a danger that the child would die, and he had to be baptized immediately. The sight is not for the faint of heart.
You need to pray at this time. Not that he sent his wife to give birth and went to celebrate with friends. No. This time should be spent in prayer: praying to God, reading the canon of the Mother of God, preparing the house for the arrival of the wife, calling her. But attending the birth is not worth it.
During pregnancy, you can discuss this issue with your wife and agree. You can prepare for childbirth together, go to courses together, but then stay at home and pray.
Don't give reasons for jealousy
Be very careful in dealing with other women. Don't give reasons for jealousy. So that you can not even be suspected of something. Because if you are free to interact with other women, it may seem that you are neglecting your wife and you are interested in someone else.
Before you get married, your friends come first. But when you get married, your wife will always come first.
You can visit and visit alone, meet friends, but think about what your wife will do at this time? If she gets bored, then you will have to reduce the time spent with friends.
A wife should be loved more than friends, more than work, more than other relatives.
If she has her own entertainment and her girlfriends, then you can split up for a while and spend the evening or weekend separately. I know that some mothers of many children are very happy to be at home alone, but, of course, you need to arrange a joint vacation.
In marriage, a person becomes himself
Marriage solves many problems, but new ones appear. Marriage is not a solution to all problems, but a transfer of life to a different quality. In marriage, a person becomes himself.
Marriage allows a person to know himself. When an "alter ego" appears - a wife - in her you will see a reflection of yourself.
In a family man - a husband - qualities develop that are impossible to develop in oneself without a wife given to him by God.
You have to be ready to die for your wife
When you choose a wife, you need to understand that for this woman you must be ready to die. But risking your life is not worth it. If you die and she is left alone or with children, severe trials will fall to her lot. It is easier for a man to live alone than for a woman. Previously, widows were even a special category of the suffering, whom the Church especially helped.
Of course, your sacrificial attitude towards your wife should not be expressed only in words, but also in deeds, in prayers, in your readiness to really lay down your life for her and do everything for her. There is no need to talk about this specifically, but you need to internally tune in to it.
You must understand that you choose a wife once, and you will not have another wife. Priests generally do not have the right to marry a second time. The Church allows a widowed man, for the sake of his children, to find another wife. But still it is better that the marriage is the only one.
The marriage is falling apart! I don't know what else to do! It seems like we love each other, but constant quarrels and scandals. The husband is trying to live as he wants regardless of my opinion and at the same time wants to save the family. It’s impossible to talk to him at all, he doesn’t admit his mistakes and always makes me feel guilty for the conflict, they say I’m ruining everything with my nit-picking, but I can’t be silent when he disappears with friends day and night on weekends, and on weekdays he doesn’t come home earlier 12. When, nevertheless, in rare cases it is possible to reach out to him and explain that he is wrong, he apologizes very reluctantly and makes promises that he later does not keep, and when I remind him of them, he accuses me of trying to catch him at his word and again a scandal . Moreover, I was always calm and balanced in other respects, but it doesn’t work with him, I try to start a conversation normally, but in response I only hear that I’m blowing up an elephant out of a fly, and in general I myself am to blame for my insults because I’m too categorical. As a result word for word and scandal. I went to pretend that nothing was happening at all, stopped calling at night and wondering where he was, so he himself began to call to ask if I was bored, he promised to come in an hour, and returned again in the morning and behaves as if nothing had happened. I tried to speak absolutely calmly, as a result, he began to lose his temper, and so wow. Phones were already flying into the wall in jambs, the plasma was broken, and in general the psycho becomes already scary. Then he leaves and again swears that he loves and cannot live without me, and in scandals he has already kicked me out of the house more than once and said that he does not want to know me. In general, it is not possible to live like this for 2 days in the world 10 in a quarrel. I don't know what other approach to look for and does it make sense? Please, help!
Of course, I understand that live communication with a psychologist would be much more effective, and in general, I understand that it is difficult to understand the situation based on a one-sided and brief description of the problem, but unfortunately now I won’t be able to talk with someone about this, yesterday we had another fight , strong enough. What he said to me yesterday has never sounded, though he was pretty drunk, but it’s not in vain that they say that a sober person has a mind ... In general, now when I even just remember last night, tears themselves flow in a stream, and in this state I hardly Can I explain anything, and my husband is categorically against a joint trip to a psychologist. He is generally infuriated when I discuss our problems with someone. This behavior began after we applied to the registry office, before that there were other problems and for a long time I did not agree to marry him, although we lived together, the fact is that we both have this second marriage, and stepping on those again I didn't want a rake. Half a year before filing the application, he changed beyond recognition, gave up all bad habits (drinking, smoking) (he also has problems with alcohol, they have a family line in the male line. It’s not that he’s drunk, just if he drinks, then he won't stop until he collapses. At first, he himself admitted that he had this problem, he was even going to file himself after he kicked me out of the house at 2 in the morning, having come home after another drunkenness in a bad mood. work didn’t come, it’s good that his brother was visiting us then, but he told him how it was. Then he came for me, apologized, cried, begged to return, and then he promised to file himself, but as a result he decided to do it on his own). In general, those half a year were paradise and I gave up and we filed an application, a month later he started drinking again, we began to swear again and even wanted to cancel the wedding, but it seemed like we had a conversation, I started a conversation without pretensions and accusations offered to tell each other that we are a friend in a friend it does not suit, without emotions and with which we are not ready to put up. As a result, the conversation turned out to be quite productive, I learned a lot about myself and tried to look at myself from the outside, I sincerely worked on myself, tried not to act as it offended him, and he pretended to try. He found a way not to swear - it's to lie to me. he invented fables, said that at work he himself spent time with friends and girlfriends, for some time this went on and I believed, but somehow he called and asked me to go to his VKontakte page and find the phone of one person there, I went in, and there is a message from a girl in which she thanks him for some help, I became interested and I read the correspondence (although I had never done such things), as a result, it turned out that on this day, when he left me in the store, saying that at work, an emergency, he went after her and drove her somewhere on her business, and then I read that he generally happens there very often, while he is “at work”. Then I began to read his entire correspondence with all my friends and everything was the same there, he was with them at a time when I thought the poor husband was getting tired, I took all the household chores on myself, I was worried about him that he works a lot. Of course, I immediately called him and asked how to understand this, why did he start yelling at me, that I was getting along in his letters and in general how dare I, having arrived home, he scandalized me and arranged that I was behaving like a fool, that I'm sick, I'm still trying to find flaws in him and drink him for it. I didn’t even have time to insert a word ... In general, since then it has always been like this, only on my part a claim - with his counter-accusation that I myself create a problem out of nothing and in general I got him with my nit-picking. (although believe me on the little things, I’m generally silent, and only when patience bursts after his next trick, I try to get through to him, but all in vain. (I never blackmailed him that I would leave) In May, I left him, I’m just tired of hitting the wall he didn’t even call for a week, then there were timid sms, then calls, he began to solve my problems, although I didn’t ask him about it, then he nevertheless plucked up his courage and asked for forgiveness, he asked me to come back, but I didn’t agree, then there was again a candy-bouquet period, dates and in general I gave up, returned, he immediately took vouchers to Montenegro, we went on vacation and everything was great, but then everything returned to normal. that it can be different, I would have definitely decided then that it makes no sense to redo it, but before the wedding we lived quite well, there were problems with drinking, but rare, and the rest of the time he tried to spend more time with me, even ran away from work and drove through the whole city, only about to stay with me for five minutes, they constantly went somewhere, and he was the initiator, he sent dozens of SMS a day about how he was bored and wanted to see me, he tried to leave work earlier and immediately go home. Then he quit his job and opened his own company, at first he worked a lot while everything was organized and there I realized that he comes late and leaves early, they began to spend less time together, but I understood everything and never reproached for it, later when everything was already organized, he practically stopped going to work, at first he lay at home playing on the computer, watching TV, then he began to disappear somewhere, but not at work, and I came home from work, tired, washed the dishes for him, which he had soiled during the day, I prepared dinner and lunch for tomorrow, although earlier he always helped me, but then this business became not royal ... In general, becoming the director, he even started to turn on the boss at home, and there he began to walk back and forth at night and consider this the norm ... Already and directly asked : "What do you care about me? Have you fallen in love with me?" In response, I only heard that I was sick, I invent problems for myself, and that in general I just like to suffer myself, that’s why I arrange it all ... I don’t know what influenced such changes in him, but at about the same time we filed an application and he opened his own company, or maybe it has nothing to do with it ... We have been married for a little over a year, but honestly this year has been hell for me!
