1. “A daughter-in-law must obey her mother-in-law”
- the daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey the mother-in-law, she is an adult and a free person.
The mother-in-law, who tries to bend her daughter-in-law under herself, risks ruining relations with her son's family and not seeing her grandchildren.
The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in the person of her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the instructions of their parents, especially not their own.
2. “My mother-in-law will be my second mother”
- if the mother-in-law is jealous of her son and is immediately opposed to her daughter-in-law, then there will be no friendship here. Cold neutrality at best. But, as sad practice shows, such a mother-in-law will do everything to ruin relations in a young family. In such cases, instead of suffering from the dislike of the mother-in-law, you need to protect your family.
“Second mother” and “daughter”, people can become when there is spiritual closeness between them. If the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are alien "in spirit", then it is not worth suffering.
If a wise mother-in-law and a wise daughter-in-law are both determined to accept and love each other, then the chances of creating a good relationship are very high.
3. “You can’t drag your husband into a conflict with your mother-in-law”
- if the mother-in-law humiliates and offends the daughter-in-law, then the husband is simply obliged to stand up for his wife, and not "hide his head in the sand." That's why he is a husband, to protect his family, even from his relatives! Otherwise, how will a wife defend her rights as a wife before her mother-in-law if the husband has withdrawn himself or taken the side of his mother?
Some things are better solved through the husband, and not directly. The husband is a beloved native son, he can do what his daughter-in-law cannot.
4. “The daughter-in-law is bad and you need to“ open the eyes of your son ”
- if the son lives with her, then everything is fine. And what does not suit you - let them figure it out themselves, do not interfere, otherwise you will be to blame. There are two options here - either he will move away from his mother, who speaks badly about his wife, or he will divorce, suffer and blame you again. And yet, the husband often conveys to his wife the words of the mother, remember this, mother-in-law! And then you wonder why your son's wife doesn't want to know you. It's simple: who is pleased to hear bad things about themselves, and even from the mother of a loved one. By the way, criticism is often unfounded, simply from jealousy and envy of the mother-in-law.
5. "Young people need to be helped"
Help only if asked. Do not ask - do not climb! Believe me, most of the “mother-in-law-daughter-in-law” conflicts come precisely from unsolicited, imposed help! “I will teach my daughter-in-law to cook,” the mother-in-law thinks, and is sincerely offended when the daughter-in-law snorts. The mother-in-law “wants the best”, this infuriates the daughter-in-law. And even if the daughter-in-law is a cook of the highest rank, then for the mother-in-law this is usually not an argument. The daughter-in-law is also unpleasant that her husband's mother considers her clumsy.
And everything is simple: learn how to convey information so as not to offend the other. If you can't, it's better to remain silent. My tongue is my enemy!
6. “Grandma knows best how to deal with children.”
What mother would take it easy when a grandmother tries to take away her right to raise her child? The mother-in-law has already raised her own, so give the daughter-in-law her legal right to be a mother. Learn to prompt carefully, or be silent.
7. A daughter-in-law must live with her mother-in-law and take care of her.
- only if the mother-in-law is bedridden. In other cases, living with your mother-in-law is a nuclear explosion. If you want to save your marriage, live separately. Learn from other people's mistakes!
MISTAKES OF THE BRIDE-IN-LAW
The daughter-in-law in relations with the mother-in-law needs to avoid two extremes:
1. Neglect your husband's mother
2. Trying too hard to please.
And don't have expectations. You should not imagine how your mother-in-law will become your second mother, how you will become a big friendly family and will gather for the holidays. However, the initially hostile attitude towards the husband's mother is also not good.
Unfulfilled expectations - extra nerves!
The final is great if you have peace and harmony with your mother-in-law at first sight, but as practice shows, alas, this is a rarity.
So let's look at the extremes:
Mother-in-law - "get out"!
The daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her.
Huge mistake! In addition to you, the woman he loves, he has parents, friends, hobbies, etc. Usually, jealous wives drive away not only the mother-in-law, but also friends from her husband. And it usually doesn't end well! (An exception, the final one is drunk friends, drug addicts, lovers of "going left", etc.)
However, if the husband really spends too much time with his mother, and the wife is alone with the children and the household, then what to do? Negotiate, communicate. Explain that now he is a husband and his family needs him, agree on a schedule for visiting his parents, say, 1-2 times a week (month), according to circumstances. To convey that now he is a husband and father, and is responsible for his family. What does he need psychological divorce from mom, separate. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal process of life.
So, dear daughter-in-law, I understand that the mother-in-law can be unpleasant for you, but if it’s not out of the ordinary actions on her part, you will have to endure. Congratulate on holidays, ignore teachings and whining “that my son has lost weight”.
Dear bride! Believe me, not every mother-in-law is a snake and a monster, she just worries about her son as best she can.
Get into the skin of another person!
We are all good at judgment until they were in the place of another person. And we'll behave even worse than he did.
We would have walked as many roads as he did, we would have cried out a sea of tears, we would have knocked down our legs in blood ... and we would have spoken differently!
Imagine that your beloved son will grow up, marry, and his wife will turn up her nose from you, drive away from her son in every possible way and ignore you. Nice? Yes, it is clear that young people want to separate and live independently, but can you forbid a mother's heart to worry? You have taken care of him all your life, and now they tell you - "leave me alone, don't interfere." You call to find out how they live, and they send you. You are with your daughter-in-law with all your heart, and she is with you "with all her back"! Yes, the mother-in-law is sometimes wrong, unnecessarily intrusive. Well, forgive her for that, she is an elderly woman who has the joys in life - one son! But when grandchildren appear, grandmother will be happy to sit with them, and you can relax.
What to do, daughter-in-law? And, for example, buy tickets to the theater, the conservatory, to the exhibition, give it to your husband - let him bring his mother into the light! Let the son dedicate this evening to his mother, let him give her roses! Let them stay together, let the mother-in-law feel that she is taken care of, loved. Husband is with you, but mom is single. Let him go to visit her, take her grandchildren, the grandmother will be happy, and for now you go to a beauty salon or just sleep. If it’s hard for you, daughter-in-law, to communicate with your mother-in-law, then congratulations on holidays and polite greetings at a meeting are enough. This is the husband's mother, so let him communicate with her.
Another extreme that daughters-in-law fall into is trying too hard to please their mother-in-law.
At the heart of such a desire is usually a complex of a “good girl” who wants to please everyone and everything. This is the right path to neurosis, because. As you know, you can't please everyone. Everyone likes this gold and diamonds.
In addition, a daughter-in-law who tries her best to please her mother-in-law is usually simply not sure about her relationship with her husband and tries to get his mother as an ally. The daughter-in-law does not admit her insecurity to herself.
Overly diligent daughters-in-law completely forget or don't know that building good relationships is a two-way process! What, if a person has decided not to love you and does not want to communicate with you, then there is little that can be done. If the mother-in-law is immediately negative towards the daughter-in-law, then at least hurt yourself into a cake, but you won’t be good for her! Rather, the mother-in-law will intuitively feel the daughter-in-law's strong desire to please her, and will manipulate her. Relationships will come down to the fact that the daughter-in-law will try to please, and the mother-in-law will follow her attempts with a smirk - "come on, let's see what happens." This is usually called bullying, but they also bully those who allow themselves to be bullied.
Respecting others and trying for them is a good thing, but you also need to respect yourself and try for yourself! Otherwise, if you are like a dog, “bring slippers” to your mother-in-law, do not be surprised at a bad attitude. Although domestic dogs, the harmful mother-in-law loves much more ...
"Paws up and on the back ..."
Have you seen how two dogs meet - big and small? Small immediately on the back, paws up, shows the tummy. In animals, this is a posture of submission, and the stronger individual feels superior. So, a too diligent daughter-in-law begins to dance in front of her mother-in-law on her “hind legs”, immediately gives her the place of the mistress of the house, and then wonders why her mother-in-law is the host. The daughter-in-law puts herself wrong from the very beginning, and then complains that her mother-in-law suppresses her.
You understand how you put yourself, so be it. People, by the way, respect strong personalities and fear them.
So, dear daughters-in-law, be on an equal footing, respect yourself and don't get offended.
The fact that the mother-in-law is older and she is the mother of the husband does not mean that you are below her in rank!
On the contrary, the wife is more important to the husband than the mother. Wise mothers-in-law understand this and do not pretend to be the wife of their son (otherwise it smacks of incest). And our legislation confirms this - the wife is the first heiress, and not the mother-in-law. The Bible also speaks of this - “two flesh in one”, “a husband leaves his parents and clings to his wife and there will be two as one whole).
Live apart
One of the “best” ways to ruin your relationship with your mother-in-law for the rest of your life is to move in with her. And you never know what she says there, that “there is enough space”, etc. The mother-in-law either does not understand how difficult it is, or wants to quarrel with you. So, if you are not a thick-skinned elephant - do not move! Believe me, domestic conflicts alone are enough to ruin your life. And what about the banal maternal jealousy? The son ceases to pay attention to his mother, and the mother-in-law (often lonely) begins to be offended and jealous.
In addition, at the age when a woman usually becomes a mother-in-law, she begins menopause. And these are emotional jumps, hormones are raging, poor health. A woman becomes nervous, negative character traits intensify, and then you are a living reminder of her mother-in-law about her bygone youth, and a commotion in the house. In addition, older people are very difficult to tolerate strangers in their space. Although you are the wife of her son, you are new to your mother-in-law, and, in fact, still a stranger.
So, if you want to save your barque, rent at least a little room on the outskirts (it's not expensive), but separately!
Forget about borders
What are boundaries in communication? This is when you immediately make it clear - how you can behave with you, and how not. That is, there is a line that you do not allow to cross. For example, someone does not like being touched by strangers. And someone doesn't care.
Immediately show your mother-in-law where she can’t go (for example, she starts asking about intimacy with her husband, she simply climbs into your bed). It is better not to let the mother-in-law into the financial affairs of your family, your plans, etc.
So, if you want your mother-in-law to get into all your affairs, then:
1. Involve her in everything
2. Allow me to interfere in everything
If the mother-in-law begins to teach and impose, for example: "You're doing it wrong, you should do it!", answer: “My mom taught me how to do it!” And that's it, let someone dare to touch your mother.
Take the rubbish out of the hut
Complain to everyone, what a mother-in-law is a bitch, and " good people”Immediately handed over to the mother-in-law. War!
But, you can always speak out so that it does not go further. A good psychologist, an anonymous helpline, a confession from a priest to help you. But to complain to her husband's relatives, acquaintances, neighbors about her mother-in-law - 100% that they will give her, and even in a perverted form.
So, dear daughters-in-law, remember:
- live separately!
make your husband your ally
- you will never be “good” for everyone. Like everyone - from the realm of fantasy.
- be yourself, boldly express and defend your opinion. Love yourself.
- respect yourself. Do not allow yourself to be insulted and mocked. If the mother-in-law does this, stop communicating with her, this is your right.
- if the mother-in-law is adequate, treat her with respect, even if you don't like her. She doesn't have to like you either.
- provide the mother-in-law with elementary signs of attention, gifts - everything that allows you to build good relations with any person in general, and not just with the mother-in-law.
Good afternoon.
My question is as old as the world - the relationship with the mother-in-law.
I have been living with my husband for 10 years, married 8. The first daughter was born before formal marriage. Only three children.
Almost from the first day we met, my mother-in-law tried in every possible way to insult and humiliate me. The words "habalka", "came in large numbers here" (I'm not a local) "fool", "hysterical", etc. - this is even better that I hear in my address. "Hysterical" sounded at the moment when once again I was rubbing the countertop in her presence, quietly brushing off a tear after another insult. At first I tried not to answer. Yes, it was embarrassing and painful. Husband ... in my presence, I never heard the words of protection. He says that this is their (mother's and sister's) communication style, that you don't need to pay attention to it. I tried to help them. When they worked and did not appear in the village where we live, I looked after and fed their animals (2 dogs and a cat). With a third child, at the eighth month of pregnancy, and two not very big older ones, I walked along a rut in the snow, because. "The animals are not to blame." My husband was on a business trip. But this is really my opinion, the animal should not die of hunger if the people who sheltered them left. It so happened that all these animals at one fine moment moved to live with us. And then one day a cat comes from the street and I understand that he is dying. I grab, I run to the vet, but he dies on the way. I am accused that I "killed" him, that I "did not love". Again, everything was accompanied by rude words. My breast milk then disappeared. The child had to be transferred to the mixture. During the ten years of her life with her husband, she made acquaintances. Everyone unanimously says that this is their style of communication. That they just yelled and insulted each other. But I don't like that kind of communication. Over time, I began to resist, no, not an insult, but I raised my voice. The last "I wish you to stand ..., at ... (the second child) the eye began to fester ...". By a coincidence, three days later we had a medical examination (scheduled) by an ophthalmologist. And what? It's just that vision problems ... Accidentally? I know that she, even before me, cursed her son (my husband). I understand that you can't change it anymore. We live in the same village. Well, not in the same house. But ... I began to notice that I was “drinking” my husband “what did she say”, “when will it end”, “why does she hate me so much”. I'm afraid that the children we are trying to protect from squabbles and disputes will also start talking nasty things about my grandmother. How can I protect myself from her? How to restrain yourself and not show your pain and resentment at her insults? Tolerate? no more strength. Limit communication? they have the keys, they are used to coming when they want to, without warning. They tried to hint, to speak. Useless. They had it before me, and it looks like they are not going to change anything.
mother-in-law. Was married. When my husband was 13 and his sister was 9, their father, her husband, died. She was no longer married. Always worked. And then and now. Sister (1 year younger than me). I met a man 5 years ago online. His mother's condition for marriage was pregnancy. She got pregnant, they got married. Relations with the mother-in-law there also did not work out. Now the child is almost 4, divorced 4 months ago. I must say that by the time we met my husband, I had my own two-room apartment, a prestigious job, a good position and a salary 2 times more than his. Even when I worked between the birth of my first and second child, my salary and position were higher. At the same time, they reproach me for not working now (the youngest child is 3). I want to take the kids and leave. Far. So that they had to negotiate with us first, and then come to us. But the husband does not want to, he was born here. And I love him. All conflicts with him are only regarding relationships with his mother and sister.
Relations with my mother-in-law became conflicting when she declared and still stands her ground that the wife should go to her husband’s house to live. We had a small child (daughter) and I looked after my paralyzed mother and I put it off, saying that for now I'm not ready to live in a house. I LIKE TO LIVE IN MY TWO-ROOM APARTMENT.
After some time, they left me behind and my husband began to live with us in my apartment. We had a second child, a son, and he began to get sick at the age of three months .. the mother-in-law again began to insist on relocation The mother-in-law herself is a very energetic fighting woman, she loves to command and manage everyone. As I understoodSHE was going to live in my two-room apartment with her disabled sister and her 12-year-old daughter. I kind of let it go by my ears, because both of them have a comfortable apartment and they have somewhere to go to live. SHE TOLD ME SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT THE HOUSE IS CROPING, AND I AM A LITTLE FRAGILE WOMAN ... DID ALL THE CASES, INCLUDING WOMEN'S: WEEDING THE GROUNDS, ETC.
I am not against the help of my mother-in-law, but with 2 small children it was not up to the garden with everything.
When I nevertheless decided to give in for the sake of preserving the family in order to live with my husband, my mother-in-law said that it was too late ... and her sister and daughter moved to live with her, although they lived separately before that.
My husband lived almost with his mother .... he rarely called .... he was rude. I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM THAT WE ARE THE SAME FAMILY, WE NEED HELP FOR MOTHER, BUT WE SHOULD NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FAMILY
I was finishing my studies ... I had to pass my diploma; money was needed 10 thousand ... before that, my mother's pension helped out, but she died after exhausting herself.
I turned to my husband for help ... HE SAID ROUGHLY - TAKE A LOAN. I EXPLAINED. my husband answered my next call: We have no money to teach you. THEN ALL THE SAME, WITH ANGER, BROUGHT ME THESE 10 THOUSAND, TAKING THE MONEY FORWARD THE SALARY.
autumn was already coming .. and my husband was still living with my mother ... I had to solve all the problems myself.
I FILED FOR DIVORCE, GIVED A PROBATION PERIOD.
I CRY, I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE GOOD.
I PASSED THE DIPLOMA AND STATE EXAMINATIONS, THE HUSBAND DID NOT STAY ALONE WITH THE CHILDREN, ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY TAKE THE CHILDREN TO MOTHER.
someone doesn’t have children, but God gave me another child, there was no divorce, my husband and I reconciled. WE HAVE BORN A THIRD CHILD, another son. . my husband was torn to live in the house, I was ready to sell my apartment.
ONCE MY HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT THEY SAY YOU HAVE BEEN USED TO EVERYTHING READY. I ANSWERED WITH OFFENSE THAT I HAVE PLANTED A COTTAGE ALONE FOR 5 YEARS AND I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF A LAZY... LET THEY HAVE MEET WITH CHILDREN... I WILL DIGGER... I ALSO WANT TO DIGGER IN THE GROUND....
THE MONTH OF MAY HAS COME AND THE HUSBAND ... LEFT TO MOM'S HOUSE TO LIVE BECAUSE HE HAS BUSINESS THERE ..
MOTHER GOT GOATS AND YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ALSO..
..yesterday I GOT TWO CHILDREN AND ARRIVED WITH A CARRIAGE (AN HOUR TO GET) to the house TO HELP IN THE GARDEN. but it so happened that a small child, he was 9 months old, simply did not want to stay close to anyone and cried .. I endured ... but still I went up to my child. and took him in my arms .. for what I owe him leave him screaming for a long time. Then she went to feed him .. and then it was necessary to put him to sleep .. in a new environment, he somehow did not want to fit in ...
NIGHT THE CHILD DID NOT SLEEP BADLY, WAKE UP, ROAR. IN THE MORNING I SIT WITH THE CHILD IN THE CORRIDOR TO WAKE NO ONE ..because everyone likes to sleep for a long time ... AND THEN LEAVING THE LITTLE CHILD WITH NASTIA HER 13 YEARS AND FOR DIAPERS ... I bought cucumbers and sausages for okroshka.
RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE, IT WAS ALREADY 10 AM, I SAW THE MOTHER-IN-LAW ALREADY RISE
mother-in-law slept badly and FEELING was not in a good mood in the morning ..
I talked about the house that I looked at for our family with Andrey. THE MOTHER-IN-LIGHT SUDDENLY STARTED A TALK AGAIN, WHAT YOU WERE OFFERED TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE, AND YOU REFUSED ... AND NOW THEY SAY IT'S LATE. I DON'T DO ANYTHING. I EXPLAIN SO THE CHILD WERE CRYING HE IS VERY USED WITH MOTHER... BUT THE MOTHER-IN-LIGHT STARTED INSULTING ME AGAIN. I THINK. THAT I RIDE WITH A CARRIAGE TO STORES AND SPEND MONEY. THESE WORDS WERE SO UNFAIR.. I HOLD THE LITTLE IN HANDS AND THE OTHER CHILDREN WERE ALL NEARBY.. I asked her to calm down and not scream ... I WORK ALL THREE DECRETS AND TRY TO SAVE ... I FEED A LITTLE MIXTURE ... OF COURSE MORE COSTS IF I BREAST FEED LESS MONEY LEFT. PUT HER AND HER WITH THE WORDS, IF I WAS YOUR MOTHER, I I WOULD POSE YOU, GRAB THE BELT AND BEGIN TO WHIP ME ... BUT I DID NOT ROAR .. AND THE BABY WAS IN HANDS ..
a disabled sister came out of another room and also began to scold me, calling me arrogant and lazy.
I DO NOT CONSIDER THEM THE RIGHT CHILDREN UNTIL A YEAR IS MOST IMPORTANT FOR MOM.
they called me an ungrateful mother-in-law, she remembered that I hired someone else's woman (I went to work for two hours), and she was paid, but when her disabled sister was seen by her for some reason, nothing .. YES Galina SOMETIMES COME AND OFFERED HER HELP .. .I did not know that relatives also need to pay for driving with a child ..
THE MOTHER-IN-LIGHT SAID CAREFULLY SAYING WE WOULD LOOK AT YOU HOW YOU HAVE DONE WITH YOUR THREE CHILDREN ON YOUR OWN!!! I didn’t dream of having a daughter-in-law like you!
and it's all about me
I JUST DID NOT HAVE WORDS.
at that time it was already necessary to feed the child, I nevertheless got out into the corridor and there I ALWAYS fed the child .... and then I packed my things and left with my daughter (4, and son (9 MONTHS) in a stroller home. MIDDLE SON (3 YEARS ) \u003d DAD'S PET STAYED IN THE HOUSE. STAYED. they thought that I would obey them and crawl into the garden .. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS!!! I AM VERY BITTER I SIT AND CRY! MOM'S SON "! I don't want to live, but I need it for the sake of the children. I hate my mother-in-law!! SHE SPILLED MY ALL LIFE! SHE always sets her son against me !!
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, I am 34 years old, I have been married for 5 years, this is my second marriage. The essence of my problem is that I am very offended and angry with my mother-in-law and I can’t do anything about these feelings, although I know that I need to get rid of them, because she is the mother of my husband, and I will have to communicate with her all my life. While my future husband and I were just dating, we had a fairly friendly relationship with my mother-in-law, but everything changed as soon as my husband and I began to live together. I moved in with him, every time my mother came to visit, she rearranged things the way they lay before me. She suddenly woke up with an inadequate affection for her son, at every meeting she constantly hugged him, kissed him, said "my beloved son, my boy." In my opinion, it was all very feigned, I understood that she was doing this for me, but did not pay attention until she began to cross the line. She could lie down in the grass and say: "Son, my boy, come with me to lie in the grass" or call me with my son (from my first marriage) and say: "Look how I kiss your dad on the lips." The peak was the situation when the mother-in-law, knowing that her son was completely naked (he was changing clothes, I told her about it), pushed me away and went into the room with the words "So what, he's my son." Moreover, it should be noted that the son did not react at all, he simply changed clothes and his mother left the room with a victorious expression on her face. He really could not explain to me why there was no adequate reaction on his part. This is mom, he didn’t want to offend her, but supposedly this happened for the first time. I was extremely unhappy then, there was a feeling that some kind of betrayal had occurred. It was then that jealousy and distrust settled in my soul, I did not want to visit them, I did not want to meet her at all. From time to time, the mother-in-law did not forget to me, as if in between times, as a joke, to point out some external flaw in my opinion, in her opinion, I tried not to react, but of course I got upset. At every family holiday, she sat next to her son, and she always tried to seat me further away. My husband allegedly did not notice anything, said that I was exaggerating or something seemed to me. They lived with it until I got pregnant. The reaction of the mother-in-law to this news is deathly silence. The husband again justified, well, they say they did not expect. During pregnancy, the mother-in-law was changed, she did not intrigue me, did not do me harm. I finally calmed down and thought: this is happiness. But as soon as I gave birth, the war began again, now for my daughter. The mother-in-law does not consider my opinion and does everything in her own way. When I ask you not to give her something to eat, for example, fresh onions, because. a child is only 1 year old or strawberries and raspberries, because my daughter is allergic to these berries, she still gives with the words: "I'm a little bit." I stopped swaddling the baby early, she believed that it was necessary to swaddle, and as soon as she stayed with her granddaughter, she immediately swaddled her, and once in front of me she simply put her hands into the sliders. When I said that I did not need her daughter's soft toys (daughter 27 years old), she still brought me a whole bag and took it away only when my husband asked her to. Every time we leave them, she tries to lure her granddaughter to her either by phone or by playing with water, as a result of which the child does not want to leave, starts crying and asks her grandmother. I get the impression that my mother-in-law just specifically brings me to negative emotions. After talking to her, I am completely crushed. The husband is on my side, but when talking, he always tries to justify the mother, no matter what she does. I tried to talk to her, asked her not to do this, everything is useless, for her my words are an empty phrase. Everything should be the way she wants. The mother-in-law tells us where the bed should be and where the sofa should be, what I should dress my daughter, how much I should give her to drink, etc. When we refuse to eat with her, she says that we have nothing to eat at home, although I always cook and clean, I never left her hungry, I always offer to eat. Her concern turned into an obsession. All this happens over time. Normal, normal, then - bam and issued! I tried many times to establish relations with her, but all to no avail, as soon as I start treating her kindly, I call her, find out how she is doing, she immediately starts to be mean. She listens only to her son, his word is law, but then she walks around and in every possible way demonstrates her offended mood. The last time, after another childish tantrum, I told her everything that did not suit me and said that I was a mother and only I would decide what to eat for my children and what not and what is good for them and what is bad, and she is like a grandmother can help me, but not make decisions for me. The mother-in-law took this conversation as a personal insult, because she cares about us and does everything only for us (she also has a younger daughter. She does not climb into her family). As a result, we have not communicated for about a month, but what is most terrible, I do not want this communication. As soon as I see her, it seems to me that my pulse begins to beat in my temples. I don't know what to do with it... How can I rid myself of this resentment accumulated over the years, of anger at her? I understand that my husband is suffering, he is rushing between two fires, this is not sweet for me either, but I can’t curb my feelings towards my mother-in-law.
Hello Tatiana!
After reading your letter, I want to say that the behavior of your mother-in-law is really excessive for you. And you have been patient and silent for a very long time.
Yes, she fights for her son's attention, and she doesn't always do it appropriately or acceptable to you. Your husband was caught between two fires - you and his mother. It is difficult for him to admit that she is acting inadequately or too oppressively, as it seemed to me, he tries not to enter into confrontation. And for you it is as if he betrays your family, as if he is ready to forgive a lot, and this is not entirely true. This is his mother, with whom he built relationships for many years, and changing them is a difficult process.
As for your condition, I feel your indignation, your anger, resentment. And it is important to understand where such strong emotions come from. Why you failed to establish clear boundaries in your relationship with your mother-in-law.
The last time you communicated with your mother-in-law, you set the framework, you did what you have a right to. You - a mother - are exactly the person who makes decisions and is responsible for the child. The way you wrote - it sounds quite respectful, while you received a childish reaction - resentment. And it's your mother-in-law's choice of how to respond.
Another question is why is your mother-in-law's behavior so hurtful for you? What caused this anger? The fact that she doesn’t consider you, or that you can’t openly express your negativity, or is it anger at your husband for not protecting you? There are many questions, and by answering them and understanding the reason for your emotions, it will become easier for you.
Now - do not force yourself, the fact that you do not want to communicate is natural. Allow yourself, don't blame yourself. When the time comes and you meet her again, try to separate your accumulated emotions from what is really happening at the moment. Defend yourself, talk about what you don’t like respectfully: “when you do this, it affects the child badly - ..., can you do it differently - ...”. Remind yourself that you are a grown woman, you are a mother, and you can decide for yourself what and how to do, you are not asking for anything supernatural. Do not tolerate when you accumulate your emotions in yourself, it becomes hard to breathe, they interfere with living fully and adequately assessing the situation. Rating 4.28 (9 Votes)
