If a person is lonely, if he has neither a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend, nor friends, this is a difficult and painful situation. There are no people in the world who constantly want to be alone. Yes, it is, of course, sometimes necessary, you want to be alone with yourself, but this is a temporary state. Sooner or later, anyway, you want to communicate.
Do you often think about “why I don’t have friends”? Feeling lonely? So, this article is for you, we will try to figure it out:
with the reasons for your loneliness;
Let's find a way out of the situation.
But, first of all, we want to note that in 9 out of 10 cases, the problem lies with you. Perhaps it is you who are doing something wrong and scaring others around you.
It is difficult to recognize one's own mistakes and quirks, and not everyone can be self-critical either. However, these qualities are very useful to have, especially if you want to have more friends.
We will look at 5 main mistakes, due to which a person does not have good friends or close people.
№ 1: You constantly complain
Constant grumbling and whining can be the reason why you don't have friends. Judge for yourself, if you are on the negative so often that you don’t even notice it, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that no one wants to communicate with you.
Any psychologist will tell you that such behavior is selfish. By constantly complaining (it doesn’t even matter what: life, relationships, work, and so on), you express your own opinion, and that is what is important to you. Moreover, everyone else must agree. So?
And in fact, not at all. Such behavior, in most cases, annoys people. And they just do not want to communicate with such whiners.
№ 2: You forgot about your friends
This often happens when we meet a soul mate. And it's only natural that at the beginning of a relationship you want to spend as much time as possible with your partner. But friends also need attention.
If this is not done, they may feel exploited and offended. And, by the way, there will be nothing surprising in this. Wouldn't you be offended if someone turned to you only out of boredom or for help? That's the same. Friendships must be respected!
Does your new love really take up all your free time? Can't you spare a few hours for your friends?
Being in love very often blinds us so much that we begin to forget about loved ones: we meet with them less often, we call up less often. And if we do this, then only "on business."
Never leave your friends when you have a new partner. You might end up breaking up with him. True friends are a great treasure.
№ 3: Expectations Too High
Another possible reason why you don't have friends is that your expectations of them are too high. This phenomenon is also often found in relationships between a man and a woman.
When you expect certain things from others, it can sometimes be difficult for the other person to live up to those expectations. It is important to understand that no one will behave in a certain way just because you want them to. Free yourself and those around you from your inflated expectations and hopes. All this destroys friendship.
№ 4: You have low self-esteem
Another common reason for not having friends is low self-esteem. This directly affects the occurrence of difficulties with interpersonal relationships. People with low self-esteem often isolate themselves from society, and this must be combated. Ask a psychologist for advice, the doctor will help you solve the problem, and you will finally be able to meet new people.
Tip: start going to the gym or sign up for interesting courses. This way you will understand that there are other people who are friendly and could well be your friends.
Be open to new acquaintances!
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There is such a prayer: "Lord, give me the strength to change what I can change, the humility to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other." That is what you are doing in joint work with a psychologist: looking for resources where changes are possible, acceptance and humility where they are not yet possible, and self-awareness in order to distinguish one from the other. The psychologist acts as a mirror in this work, helping you understand yourself. And the one who can give you strength and everything else is within you.
We live in a society and there are many people around us. At school, at the institute, at work, and even in a bakery - it seems that we are never alone. And, nevertheless, for some of us in this human abundance around, it is very difficult to become sociable, it is easy to find new friends, to enjoy friendship. And I was like that. This is my story about how I became cheerful, sociable and interesting, and now I do not suffer from loneliness at all.
"How to become more sociable!? Where to find friends?" - this question has always tormented me, it beat in my brain and did not give rest - "It's not normal that I'm like that." And yet, with all my desire, I remained a very closed person who had no friends at all. This is despite the fact that I am not disabled, I have never been outside of society, I, like everyone else, studied at school, at the institute, worked in a large team, went to the pool and yoga, learned English and much more. But there was always some burden of loneliness. It seems like there are familiar people, but there are no friends. And communication somehow, well, does not tie up at all with anyone in the world.
I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I think those who have experienced this tearing feeling of loneliness, pleasant and unpleasant at the same time, will understand me. On the one hand, it has always been very difficult for me to get in touch with new people. No, no, I can say hello, find out the name, talk, but ... further, - like a wall. What to talk about with him? How to be more sociable if you don't know what to talk about? Around what to build friendship? It seems like I want to be friends, but I don’t know how to be friends. And most importantly, others are friends. Why can't I?
On the other hand, if a person imposed himself on me as a friend, I always immediately became a real frowning hedgehog and tried with all my might to escape from this communication. I came up with a thousand reasons why I didn’t want to communicate, which probably sounded completely idiotic. But at such a moment, one thing has always been important to me - to unhook from the annoying person as soon as possible. I didn’t even understand why, I just ran away and that’s it. Very often in the truest sense of the word. It was at such moments that the question of how to become more sociable did not exactly occur to me.
I constantly suffered from my loneliness. Sometimes I wanted to take a walk around the city with someone, talk about nothing with a girlfriend, go to the movies - well, how can you do all this alone? If there was at least someone ... Only what kind of girlfriend can there be, if such desires rarely arise in me. Girls then need close communication with a cheerful, sociable girlfriend, and not vice versa. Well, at least that's how it seemed to me at the time.
I remember as a child, before the 4th grade, I really liked to sit at home, on the balcony. From the fourth floor, I could clearly see the playground and the children who were playing there. But I never joined them myself - my parents got tired of kicking me out of the house and abandoned this business, leaving me alone on the balcony, in splendid isolation. At that time, I had only one girlfriend, a neighbor Tanya, and even then - emotionally she often annoyed me. Therefore, I took a break in our relationship, pretended that I was not at home (did not open the door) and sat on the balcony. I liked the kids on the playground, they played rubber bands and hopscotch, they ran. And I also ran and jumped in my dreams, I was very cheerful and sociable - moreover, I imagined myself as a ringleader in games, it seemed to me that I was winning, and everyone was jealous of me. I often imagined that all these children are my relatives, good friends who do not have a soul in me. That they vied with each other to call me to play, invite me to birthday parties, they want to be friends with me, and not vice versa. But all this was only in dreams. Like an invisible line, the glass on the balcony seemed to separate me from the rest of society. Did I want to be like everyone else? Yes. Did I want to play like them? Yes. Did I want to be cheerful, sociable? Yes. Did I want to be the center of attention? Oh yeah! And I had it all. But only in my imagination.
But in fact, I didn’t communicate with anyone and didn’t really understand why. Then, as a child, I noticed that my expressions of emotions were somehow different from those of everyone else. I remember our class teacher was very ill, in the 6th grade, and she was gone for 2 whole months. And then she suddenly entered the classroom, so beautiful and terribly joyful, and all the girls rushed to her, began to hug, kiss - they laughed, cried, rejoiced. And I stood aside. And I directly felt that I was standing like an idol. Somehow abnormal, not like everyone else. There was no particular facial expression on my face, although I was also very happy that the teacher had returned. Now I understand that I experienced very deep emotions, no less than my peers, but deep in my soul. And there was nothing wrong with my behavior. But then I scolded myself terribly and on the way home I imagined how I would also throw myself into the arms of the teacher and in general.
Since then, it has become a habit for me to imagine friendship or emotions, and very strong and vivid ones. Every time an event happened in which I did not participate emotionally, like everyone else, I scolded myself and imagined what I should have done. And next time, I thought, it will be just that. But the next time I came, and again I was an unemotional idol, unable to adequately behave in society. Well, how could I become more sociable, more cheerful, how to make new friends? Only in dreams! But with dreams you can’t go for a walk or to the cinema!
When I bought my first mobile phone, I entered only 4 names there, 2 of which were my relatives, and one more was a teacher from the institute, and the fourth was the head of the group from whom I took all the tasks. I felt so sad, and I asked around for phones from fellow students. I entered them into the memory of the phone, although I knew that I would never, ever call them. Simply because I have nothing to say to them. And they never call me because they didn't even ask for my number. Nobody called me or sent me a text message. And when a terrible longing for loneliness came over me, then I sent myself sms with congratulations, cute remarks and emoticons.
It always seemed to me that I was some kind of extra person in the group, in the team. How to become more sociable? Cheerful and resourceful? Is that even possible, or do people like me not deserve to make new friends? It seems to be as I am, as if they are talking to me. But they don’t take me in the company, they don’t invite me to drink beer (by the way, if I were invited, I would immediately refuse, but the fact itself!) Other people express emotions, rejoice, gossip, discuss something, but I don’t at all . As in childhood, I am like an idol - if I remember to force myself to smile at a crucial moment, then I will still look more or less normal. What if I forget, and if it's the birthday cake at work?
I seemed to be a good person. I didn't harm anyone. I am a kind, sweet, sympathetic, but ... too distant person. And just as I distanced myself from everyone, so they distanced themselves from me.
Everything has changed today. I'm not like that at all - I easily get in touch with people and I have many friends. I am not interested in how to become more sociable, simply because I never have problems with communication. Not because I changed facial expressions, but because I know the psychology of a person, and at first glance I understand with whom it will be interesting and comfortable for me, and who will be too intrusive for me and with whom it will be difficult for me. I learned all this with the help of Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology. And you, too, can just as easily find new friends, make acquaintances, become more sociable, thanks to this training. Sign up for free classes by going to this link, and a little lower, let's try to figure out through the spectrum of system-vector thinking what was the reason for my isolation and the inability to communicate normally with other people.
Let's take a look at the situation first. A huge number of friends, constant communication, a cheerful, stormy life - this is actually a rarity, advertised in beautiful Hollywood films. The vast majority of people don't live like that. Ordinary people have a family, a few friends, a small circle of acquaintances, and this is quite enough for them for a comfortable life.
There are, however, people who seem to us to be individuals with a large number of friends. These are people who have an oral vector. They are by nature jokers, first they speak, and then they think. Oralnik very easily comes into contact with complete strangers, tells jokes, becomes the soul of the company. This communication is in no way connected with friendship or long-term, spiritual contacts, although outwardly it may seem that way to us.
So, everyone loves oralists and everyone laughs at their jokes. They are very sociable and have no problem making new friends. There are only 5% of such people, and if you don’t have an oral vector (you can determine this at the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, then you won’t be able to become such a person. Of course, you can try, strain and play the role of an oral vector, but why do you not his own life, but the life of a completely different person. In fact, it will not bring any joy and happiness. The oral singer is naturally endowed with his talent - he makes people laugh and becomes the head of the company because this is his role in society, and not because he wants to be the center of attention, he just manages to be the center of attention - without tension or play.
If a non-oralist tries to tell an anecdote of an oralist in another company, even repeating it word for word, then most likely it will somehow turn out to be completely not funny, and even the narrator himself will feel it. The nature of the oral man is to make him laugh, and he acquires this skill from birth.
There are other extroverts, these are spectators, and urethrals, and skin workers - everyone has their own desires and their own relationship with the group of people that surrounds them. They communicate with others in their own way, build relationships. But then again, if by nature you are not such a person, then these roles will not suit you either.
There are also people who find it difficult to find new friends, make acquaintances - these are by nature introverts, they are less sociable. Not in the sense that they are bad - they just have different needs, different desires. They are more closed and it is difficult for them to communicate with others: these are people who, for example, have an anal vector - they have ONE childhood friend, they communicate with classmates until old age, but it’s hard for them to make new friends, as they are very conservative. And for the most part, they don't want to. The same introverts are a person with a muscular vector, and with an olfactory one - but they do not suffer from their desire to be alone.
But the situations that are described above that happened to me are typical problems of a person with a sound vector.
The sound engineer is the biggest introvert and it is very difficult for him to go out into people, to communicate. Too dense, intrusive communication is painful for him, one might say unpleasant. And at the same time, he wants to communicate - somewhere deep in the subconscious, it is people with a sound vector, at least in a developed state, who understand that the people around them are very important, moreover, they want to communicate with a large number of people, they dream of this. But how to implement all this? The task seems impossible, but it is not.
People shouldn't force themselves and should not try to be like someone else: even if it is the most promoted image in movies or books. We are happy not when we play someone else's role, but when we fully understand our desires. We are who we are. And we are very comfortable with the same as ourselves. Especially, this is important for sound people.
Sound people need to communicate more with people like themselves - people with a sound vector. It is in this, albeit a small circle, that one can find common interests. It is here that they do not expect jokes, but they want knowledge of the universe, they want spiritual communication, and not a simple ha-ha-ha. Moreover, in the circle of the same as himself, the sound engineer will not feel either the obsession of the environment or loneliness. Having found that very sound vector in ourselves, having determined all its desires, having understood ourselves to the end, we, sound engineers, can find real great joy from communicating with other people.
The easiest way for a sound engineer to find others, the same sound engineers as himself, and to discover the world of interesting communication and friendship for himself, is at trainings in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. It was after completing these trainings that I had exactly as many friends as I needed - I don’t write SMS to myself, I don’t miss the evenings by the window, I don’t dream of friendship. I know people with whom I am comfortable and who are comfortable with me. And I'm happy to be with them.
You can read the results of those who have already completed the training at this link.
See the lectures you can right now- follow this link and watch any video.
The absence of friends excites people of all ages, hobbies and professions, everyone is familiar with the wave of loneliness, from which it can be almost impossible to hide. Of course, some flatter themselves by summing up the numbers that display the number of friends and subscribers on social networks, blogs, but sooner or later they will understand: electronic friends and friends in reality are completely different concepts.
If you are one of the people described above who are looking for virtual friends, this may be the problem. It is possible that you are surrounded by people who would be happy to be friends with you, who like you, and who need you. But at the same time, you simply do not notice them when trying to find friends on the Internet. Are you sure that everything that is said above is not about you? Then let's look further.
Complexes or an unsuccessful company!
If you feel uncomfortable in society, if you want to fall through the ground just not to communicate in a team, or just run away quickly from it - there are two options for this. The first is that you got into an unsuccessful company, the second is that you just feel insecure and for some reason complex.
Bad appearance
To begin with, consider your appearance in terms of physical qualities. Do you visit the gym, do you exercise, do you do other sports? No? So it's time to start. By starting to play sports, you will improve your appearance, which means that they will begin to pay more attention to you, and as a result, you are more likely to make friends with you. And it’s much easier to find friends without bad habits in the sports section than, say, among random people you meet on the street.
Now let's turn to appearanceas a person's style and preferences. Perhaps you should pay more attention to the care of your clothes and yourself. Change your hair, change your style of clothing and behavior ...
You don't know how to communicate!
The first is the presence of obscene statements in the conversation. Of course, if your finger is pinched by the door, most likely you will not restrain yourself because of the pain. And those around you will understand that you are in pain. But if every second word is obscene, this is the first indicator that you can’t find normal friends.
Also, it's not just how you say it, it's what you say that matters. If all that you have read in your life comes down to the inscriptions on the fence and instructions for toilet paper - most likely, with you, few people will be interested. And even if you find new friends, but remain at the same level in terms of well-read and interesting, you will soon notice that your friends are leaving ...
Misbehavior
Sometimes it happens like this: you communicate with a person for a long time, and then he suddenly looks at you strangely, and stops paying attention as before, over time, he completely stops communicating. Behind him is the next one. Why do friends leave you? Perhaps simply because they are ashamed to be with you in public places because of your ignorance, intemperance or bad manners. Yes, when you are alone, they pay little attention to it, but when they get into the eyes of acquaintances and they make it clear with their eyes, “Oh God, with whom are you walking, what a disgrace?”, then they involuntarily think, but whether to continue the relationship, and move away without realizing it.
You do not need a compass or a map, do not wander for a long time, peering through the streets at passers-by and trying to understand if a potential friend is in front of you. Friends will find themselves. But in order to help them, you will need to follow some guidelines, which we will discuss below.
First, change your appearance. Remember once and for all two truths:
The second is to constantly grow and develop. Read more, get an education, advance your career, find a new hobby, get to know each other, achieve your goals, travel, get rid of bad habits, etc.
And the third, no less important than the first two points. If you have become recognizable and attractive, if you are surrounded by friends, if you are successful and happy, never be arrogant, do not betray, do not push away those whom you promised to protect, whom you promised to help, and with whom you wanted to be friends. Only in this case will they want to continue to communicate with you, you must be a reliable friend or girlfriend who you can rely on in difficult times, who you can trust, and who will never betray you for anything.
In contact with
It's hard to imagine life without friends. But it happens. This means that a person does not have the opportunity to find support from people who can be trusted.
After all, the concept of "friend" has a significant difference from the familiar. Acquaintances are people with whom they keep in touch only on a specific occasion. It should be noted that friends, over time, can move into the category of “acquaintances”. And vice versa, gradually, acquaintances become friends.
But still, if a person says: “I have no friends - what should I do?” some advice needs to be given.
First of all, don't set yourself the goal of finding a friend. It should happen on its own. After all, we begin to maintain friendship with the phrase "Let's be friends" only in childhood. And growing up, we find like-minded people who turn into friends. This process happens by itself.
People unite around a common cause, at work, while studying, on vacation. If you want to get to know a specific person, then you should do it in an informal setting. Here you can ask questions of interest, find out what you want to know about him. And then it will become clear whether you have something in common, whether this is your person in spirit.
In addition, complexes that we acquired earlier interfere with new acquaintances. A bad friendship experience can inspire fear or insecurity. Throw everything out of your head, people are different and everything will be fine with you. Distrust will not give the opportunity to feel the friendship in full.
But if you don’t have friends, then you need to look for the reason in yourself. Perhaps this is a quick temper, betrayal and deceit on your part. There can be many reasons, the main thing is to look at yourself from the outside and correct the mistakes.
A person should have friends and they need to be earned.
Simply put, go where the people are. Friendship is something ephemeral, but at the same time, valuable. You will not be able to manage friendship, as, for example, climbing the career ladder, because there is either warmth between people or it is not.
The main thing is to want and communicate with different people. You will most likely find a friend when you least expect it.
Take goodwill as a rule. It's no secret that people love those who love them. But it shouldn't be intrusive. If you immediately jump on a potential friend, he will run away from you faster than he understands what kind of person you are.
Sincerity is important in communication, many people clearly calculate falsehood. You need a friendly smile, lightness, sincere interest in the interlocutor. Ask what he likes, what hobbies he has in his life, listen more than speak. And in no case do not interrupt the interlocutor, have a conscience, listen to the end, and then speak for yourself.
If you are invited to visit, do not think to refuse, it is doubts that speak in you. But they are useless. If the person is good, you can come to a new company. You never know how the day will turn out. But it is better to regret what happened than to suffer what did not happen.
How to meet:
V. Dovgan's advice:
Tips from a practicing psychologist:
10 ways to make friends:
The first thing you need to do is get rid of pessimistic thoughts: "I have no friends, no one needs me." Stop. Declare yourself to the world, and let them not think that you are a gray mass, let them hear about you. Try to attend social events. Get used to being in a crowd. Do you have a hobby or passion? If not, then you need to invent. Sign up for fitness, dancing, a needlework club, a pool, any sports activity, a literary circle - as long as you like it. There you will meet many new friends. And common interests will help to get closer. After all, a common occupation is a ready-made, inexhaustible topic for a friendly conversation, and there friendship is just around the corner.
How about charity? Do good deeds. Kindness attracts kindness. Ask for volunteers. There you will definitely meet worthy people. Such friends and acquaintances are a real gift from heaven. So, you are looking for friends in the right place. In addition, joint work unites. Exactly what is needed.
If you are having difficulty communicating, start dating online. It's much easier. It is believed that when communicating with a new person it is difficult to look into the eyes. The Internet solves this problem. Just do not take virtual communication as an alternative. This is only a stage of communication in order to hone your skills, start an acquaintance and continue it with a meeting in reality.
And now it is worth dealing with the psychological side of the issue. Often the lack of friends is explained precisely by psychological problems, and in this regard, a few tips:
Take goodwill as a rule. It's no secret that people love those who love them. But it shouldn't be intrusive. If you immediately jump on a potential friend, he will run away from you faster than he understands what kind of person you are. Sincerity is important in communication, many people clearly calculate falsehood. You need a friendly smile, lightness, sincere interest in the interlocutor. Ask what he likes, what hobbies he has in his life, listen more than speak. And in no case do not interrupt the interlocutor, have a conscience, listen to the end, and then speak for yourself.
If you are invited to visit, do not think to refuse, it is doubts that speak in you. But they are useless. If you can come to a new company. You never know how the day will turn out. But it is better to regret what happened than to suffer what did not happen.
We are corrupted by bad people who offended and humiliated us, were unfriendly. But this is their problem, you need not dwell on bad experiences. People are different. And so that you no longer get upset and don’t think that “I don’t have friends”, try to find contact with people, and remember that not all doors are locked. You can definitely find one that will be nice to go to. Sometimes you will remember the time when you sadly said: "I have no friends." But these will only be memories.
Hello! The thing is, I don't have any real friends. I am 18 years old and currently in my first year. As a child, up to 10 years old, I had friends, then we often moved, I changed schools and strong friendships were not formed with anyone.
Then there was a company of friends, we met, talked, but I gradually began to feel that I was not interested in them, and I seemed to them some kind of stranger. Different interests, different perception of the world.
So I gradually moved away from them, now we do not communicate.
Then, at art school, I sort of found friends with whom I was mutual language, interests. But as soon as the artist was finished, some of them disappeared, I only communicate with others in the net. In a new school, in class 8, I was closed, because I was jarred that the "leaders" - the boys scoffed, humiliated people who were not like them (although more worthy and decent guys).
I was also ridiculed at first, but I managed to stand up for myself and in high school I was respected and not touched. Classmates were more like friends, not friends.
It happens that I find people with whom it is interesting to communicate, and I think that over time we will become good friends, but all of them either already have or gradually appear Good friends, and I'm somewhere in the background. And it’s not clear what’s the matter - in me? Or just the wrong people?
So it turns out that I have many good friends and acquaintances, but there is no one to go somewhere with. Lately, I've become very worried about this. Life is passing by. Previously, this was only on vacation, when you sit at home without getting out.
It always seemed that I would start going there (for example, dancing) - I would definitely find a girlfriend, I thought that I would have to wait a bit and friends would appear. Now I am terrified that I will wait my whole life.
On holidays, weekends, my peers all go somewhere, and I'm at home and in order not to be sad, I try to spend time productively. I go out at least once a month.
And it seems to me that I will never have a boyfriend either (I have never even met anyone) ((. A few months ago, this did not depress me. she had boyfriends.
As soon as I turned 18, loneliness became very, very oppressive.
I am quite sociable, but unobtrusive, open, I not only listen but also hear people, if it is interesting to communicate with a person, I do not pay attention to any character flaws, clothes, appearance. I don’t want to seem boastful, but I think that I understand people well and I understand people well, because I am very interested in psychology.
Now, at the university, I found friends, but I'm afraid that I will become a “fallback option” for them, because they already have closer friends. I don’t have sisters of the same age either, I would be happy if they were.
Mom says that maybe I still keep some distance with people, I don’t open up too much, although I don’t think so. She doesn't have any friends, only acquaintances.
Help me, I don't know what to do. I understand that I need to change something in myself, but I don’t know what.
