More and more women have recently complained that their other half is constantly silent.
And not for some reason, not after the scandal, not because he is in an offended state. And just silent. My friend talks about her faithful, with whom she lived for only three years. “I don’t understand, we just stopped talking. We do not swear, I cannot say that I began to treat me badly. We just stopped talking altogether. He comes home from work, kisses me on the cheek, sits down to dinner in silence. Sometimes he doesn't even ask how my day went. I try to stir him up with questions, but only monosyllabic words come back. Then he sits down at the TV or at the computer, before going to bed he says “good night”. Tomorrow is the same as today. I do not understand what is going on. I ask if he has any problems at work. Answers no. But it seems to me that even if they were, he would not tell me. Why are we moving away? - my girlfriend is lamenting. And I can understand it, because this is not the first time I hear such a story.
This could have been avoided if we knew one feature of men. It's just different and built differently. He does not need our sympathy, our words. Sometimes it’s easier for him to get nasty than to open up (although I don’t understand this for the life of me!). But a fact is a fact. A man does not need to share problems right and left. He needs to brainstorm everything, grind, figure out how to act, and alone or with his friends. He withdraws into himself, this is the necessary state for him. In such moments of silence, it’s better not to touch him, not to ask him a bunch of leading questions, not to sulk, not to accuse him of being cold, but just wait it out. In a couple of days, he himself will tell about everything, the main thing is to wait for this.
At this time, calmly go about your business, go to the salon, play with children, communicate with relatives - just do not touch your loved one. He will digest his problems and come to you. And when he returns to reality and begins to share with you his conclusions about life and solving problems, do not rush to weed out and criticize everything at once. First, listen to the end and only then start discussing something. Wise women begin to speak out only after the complete "outpouring" of their man. Moreover, they never say that all the decisions of the second half are complete nonsense. They gently say: “Yes, dear, you are right, so you can really solve this issue. Let's do something else." The main thing for a man is that it was not in vain that he was silent for three days, that his brainstorming during this time was a success.
Of course, there are different men, some never shut up at all and speak more than women - we do not take such into account. Some women are silent as they pout, and they can do this for weeks. And there are simply pathological silent people, from whom you can never get a word out. But, I think, you knew about such abilities of your man even before the wedding. We are talking about those males who fall silent occasionally, but for a long time.
I read a post about relationships in the family and decided to write too. We haven’t talked with my husband for a month and a half ((Reb is a year and a half and we are 30. We got married in great love yomayo and we are all so sublime of ourselves, so we don’t have scandals, we just keep silent .. for months. I’m on the verge of a breakdown already and on the trail . week I will go to the doctor for antidepressants (((
My husband is not a vile bastard at all, he helps me a lot, he takes care of the child every free minute, he is not picky in everyday life, I am an unearthly beauty for him. But he has a wonderful Ukrainian family (((WESTERN-Ukrainian (((and I’m Russian, and on this occasion they took out my whole brain ((let’s become Ukrainian, speak Ukrainian, etc.) husband drip on the brain, he is angry and silent .. for months.
The second joint is that his father is a priest and the whole family is hyper religious. Well, at least in front of parents and relatives. The husband and his brother and sister grew up in Italy and therefore are very liberated))) And my sister had sex before marriage !!)))) She should burn in hell))) And his brother smokes weed)))) But the parents of all this they don’t know and raise not their children but me (((I have to go to church, pray, etc. I often snap and my husband immediately withdraws into himself for weeks or months.
My biggest problem is that I'm disappointed in him. You see, I got out of lockdown at the age of 30 because there were ordinary men around, egsitnye and vile. And he was so different, kind and real, ready to help everyone. And now he has changed a lot and has become cruel and callous, especially to me. He sees that I drink motherwort several times a day and often cry in the bathroom, but is silent further. Of course, I’m not an angel either, sometimes I break down, bark and don’t sleep with him for weeks. He does not understand how you can be as terrible as me, how you can yell at a child or impolitely answer the cashier in the store! He's trying to educate me, you know. He starts to scold me for not smiling at my neighbor or congratulating my classmate on others. How it infuriates me! Yes, I am an evil bitch, but I do not pretend to be a heavenly angel, as everyone in his family does.
I don't know how I'm going to live with him. I understand that for many of you my problems will seem like a trifle. Just think, he doesn’t talk for months, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t beat, he doesn’t walk. I do not see the difference in the reasons for the destruction of relations, the main result is the fact that we live as neighbors.
I can’t imagine how I can sleep with him, he’s physically disgusting to me ((Before, when he had a pimple, I was already rushing and clucking, but now I don’t care. In general, we were very disappointed in each other and his family added fuel to the fire "I don't know what to do, pretend that everything is fine, bend over and try to make peace with him? Or keep silent? I don't know what's easier for me..
Sorry for the confusion, I write and my hands are shaking ((
16.08.2003, 02:05
I ask for advice. I am at a dead end, what to do - I don’t know, mentally I rush from one extreme to another. The situation is this - in early June quarreled with her husband. Immediately, without leaving the cash register, she asked his forgiveness, as she was to blame. The result is silence, which has been going on for 2 months. I think this is deeply abnormal. Sometimes you want to pack your things and leave, good, there is where. What to do? Please advise.
16.08.2003, 08:02
Some kind of childhood, chessloso ...
16.08.2003, 10:57
So I would have left ... As I understand it: when they ask for forgiveness, they either forgive or leave. He obviously likes that you are harassing. Deprive him of this pleasure.
Did you ask for forgiveness in a sincerely repentant tone? And sometimes mine forgives me sometimes not immediately, it takes a pause: he needs me to realize my guilt and feel it :-)
But 2 months is, excuse me, a clinic.
16.08.2003, 11:23
what the author did. Maybe this is something in his (or general) opinion out of the ordinary or a trifle, for which there was no need to apologize.
And care is not always an option. Why should she leave her family nest? He needs to let him roll.
I would tell him, or we live as we used to live, normally, or move out for nothing, not an eyesore.
16.08.2003, 11:25
its purpose is to induce exorbitant guilt in you. do not give in to provocation. Let him solve his own problems, everything you could, you did, you apologized and considered that this would be enough, but your fault is not here. only his problems remained.
16.08.2003, 11:57
Perhaps, yes ... But all the same, one raspberry: she will leave or he ...
I am always for explanations and in general I NEVER accept such tactics of clarifying the relationship as silence. Like a fight. Because nothing is clear from the silence, except that someone is not happy with something. In my family, I categorically do not allow my husband to be like this. I immediately leave somewhere, at least go to sleep, but beat my head against the wall: "speak!" I won't, because I know he won't speak. Therefore, she would simply disappear from his field of vision immediately - let him look for me when he decides to explain himself. I prefer nerves, I'm proud (???) :-)
16.08.2003, 13:51
16.08.2003, 14:01
You know, I guess that at least it may seem frivolous, but for me it is very difficult. If you don't have any constructive suggestions, please pass by. I can define myself.
16.08.2003, 14:08
Remorseful tone? I went further :-). He loves all sorts of bureaucracy - memos, reports, reports, etc. I made him an explanatory note, in writing (well, not in triplicate!). Despite the fact that I myself can not stand any such bureaucracy. She went to meet him, apparently in vain. It was necessary to solve the problem by traditional methods.
I can imagine how it looks from the outside, yes ....
16.08.2003, 14:14
I'm leaning towards leaving already. The son will come from his grandmother, I will talk to him, and I will collect things, perhaps. The apartment where we live now is large, a very good place - you can let the children go for a walk alone and not be afraid that something will happen to them (well, apart from the fact that they fall off the hill or something like that) , she was bought in marriage, that is, I can’t say that this is only his apartment, although, of course, there is no money in my contribution to it - from my salary you can only buy a dog carrier, and then an inexpensive one. But why live like this. I have such apathy that I can not do anything - neither clean nor cook. Physically, I simply can’t, I myself have no appetite, and my husband has lunch at work, I cook when my father arrives, so as not to be upset and to feed him.
trawling
16.08.2003, 14:59
just shock. Well, really, if he is so offended and does not intend to forgive you, he would have already started talking about a divorce. It seems that I agree with the girls, he revels in your condition and he likes the process itself. And most importantly, when you get out of this, where is the guarantee that the next episode will end differently?
You must either speak or shut up forever.
Well, I don't know how it's even possible, but it's purely speculative, if he doesn't talk or listen at all, send him a notification letter telling him that you can't stand it anymore and you will change something, or with him, or without him. And determine the period during which you expect responses from him: a constructive conversation, a change in behavior, or a decision about a future life. preferably before the child returns.
Yes, an ultimatum, this is a stupid way to solve problems, but IMHO, stupid problems should be solved accordingly.
16.08.2003, 15:50
If everything has gone so far in terms of notes, etc. - then I would have gone that way - I wrote the same thing that I don’t deny my guilt, but also endure some kind of humiliation in the form of silence, etc. doesn’t intend to - either I forgot everything and within the time period you specified, I just started talking and everything in family life was the same as before - since I apologized, or this is a notice of an upcoming divorce and division of an apartment - it doesn’t matter to the court that you only earned a piece of it in real life, according to marriage section 50/50% + interest of children .. so you need to decide and not suffer, but leave - no, I would pump it with a divorce and an apartment - if a person does not understand sincere excuses, but only somehow takes revenge in his own way ... him then in response .... it’s not the case when a wife, for the sake of her husband’s prioti, leaves home with a child ...
16.08.2003, 17:35
I sincerely sympathize. He probably didn't seriously think that you could leave? For some reason, he thinks that you will hold on tight to him? What do you think? Isn't it a tactic for surviving you from home?
Provoke him.
Maybe he wanted to assert himself in this way? Maybe he is a demonstrative person in life?
16.08.2003, 20:22
No, of course, he does not force me out of the house in this way. And I think that he does not believe that I can leave, especially now - there are two children. The eldest is with my grandmother, and the youngest is a year and 3 months old. Men also believe that a woman can be tied with children, and she will not go anywhere. The second apartment is now in a dismantled state, so he is sure that I will not go anywhere.
With self-assertion, everything is fine with him. A demonstrative personality - I do not know. To be honest, I didn't really understand what it was. Explain, please, Decembrine.
16.08.2003, 20:28
Yes, you are absolutly right. Too much. That's why I came here for advice. Previously, there were no such situations, somehow they were sorted out. Everyone has some difficulties in the family, well, sometimes there are happy exceptions who live peacefully year after year and never quarrel, I have never met such families, but everyone also solves problems out loud. And then ... It's even more complicated by the fact that I feel that I'm right - I apologized, and explained why I did it. And now I really don’t want to get a face about a table for the second time. Everyone was waiting for him to explain what he wants from me at least. And now the end has come.
16.08.2003, 21:15
I had an acquaintance who soon after we met gave me a very expressive boycott ... I read you, and I wondered if this was not the type.
http://www.naritsyn.ru/iso/test12.shtml
16.08.2003, 21:22
He doesn't have to copy this description, but can he eat grain? I meant the demonstrativeness of his experience of resentment, because it is based on personality traits, there must be some kind of soil, so I thought ... In general, this is probably not the main thing, but his attitude towards you.
17.08.2003, 00:27
I read it, thanks for the link. Still no, although after we quarreled, a day or two later, he told the neighbors that we were in a quarrel and therefore I could not take part in a cabal. Maybe he told his friends, most likely yes. He informs, but playing "oh, I feel so bad, everyone is cruel to me" will not. Although there is some grain all the same.
The attitude towards me used to be "I love you SO much." But I’ve been watching for 2 months, where has this love gone?
17.08.2003, 22:37
in general, your husband's behavior is similar to manipulation. He must have played this game before. Usually such offended get a lot of pleasure, watching the suffering of a partner.
if so, don't play his game, break the script!
But if this is the first time, then it's strange, maybe you did something out of the ordinary
Elena D-ova
18.08.2003, 06:59
Hmm... Well, you chose the form for the apology... It can offend more than anything else.
In short, stop playing your childish games, sit opposite your husband and explain everything to him in words.
superMAN
18.08.2003, 08:14
Everything is clear, you are an energy vampire, he understood this and does not want to feed you anymore :-) Take money
18.08.2003, 09:11
Have you tried talking to him seriously? Or is he silent and you do not break the silence?
18.08.2003, 20:54
But no - I’m just the same donor :-(. So, in principle, energetically, so to speak, I’m resting now - it’s easy and calm for me. But cats are scratching in my soul - my own husband, married for 12 years, two years ago right the second honeymoon began, which ended so ridiculously and threatens to end in divorce.And the fact that people feed on me with energy, I almost physically feel - some of our friends when they come, I feel bad, and after their visit I just lie down on the sofa and I come to my senses, although they didn’t do anything - they just drank tea (not vodka, and not even beer) and just talked.
18.08.2003, 21:02
Talk on the phone with a happy voice, and, preening, sneak out of the house, you can take the baby with you or leave it with the nanny (if you basically leave it and he is used to it). And in no case do not explain - why and where. Yes, and let him hear the call too, you should be called, not you.
Of course, if your quarrel was not based on his jealousy and suspicion of you being unfaithful, it might work.
18.08.2003, 23:00
I'll explain why it's silent!!!
when you said that the second honeymoon had begun, I understood everything at once
this happened to me recently too
like a new love has awakened
such a relationship is just heaven
and suddenly a day later he said something offensive to me, I'm sorry, I don't remember, right now I'm not vindictive
so I was so offended, I couldn’t forgive him for 2 days
although this has never happened before - a maximum of half a day and everything is in its place
so in the heat of love, all grievances seem 10 times more, it’s just that he hasn’t forgiven you yet, and your apology turned out to be not enough for him
the way out is this - you need to try to understand how he took this situation and try to explain to him again that it was your mistake that you didn’t want this - in short, you need to save him - otherwise he may already have depression
19.08.2003, 00:18
If you don't want to come back, then don't leave. After all, you do not know how he will react to your departure, and whether it will be easier for you away from him, so at least everything is in sight. Just try to get through the situation. Maybe you are just tired, and he, too, because a small child takes a lot of strength and energy. Switch your attention to yourself, to the child, to the improvement of the apartment, not just out of spite, but as a lifestyle, without showing off. Maybe if he feels like a bedside table in your world, he will change his mind. Good luck to you.
19.08.2003, 09:03
I think both of you show your character, who will keep quiet whom, who is more stubborn than whom ... Playing on a feeling of jealousy is stupid, does it really make sense? He can cook dinner, buy a bottle of good wine, and in the evening, when the husband comes home from work, say, like, let's stop with stupid things, let's go to dinner ... Maybe he's just waiting for this ... Well, not every man can be the first to take a step towards reconciliation , take the initiative in your own hands, be wiser)
19.08.2003, 16:12
I think to ask - what do you want from the situation? How would you like your husband to behave? This is the first. And the second - after all, it is your husband who does not talk to you, and not you with him. I decided so long ago about such situations - when someone is offended and silent, I didn’t take offense at this person and continue to talk to him. especially after the apology. So why write notes and support this game? especially since you can always dissuade about intrigues - you haven’t read it. and if they speak aloud and loudly in front of you, it is difficult to say that you did not hear. Behave as you decide - loudly informing your husband about this. This is his bells and whistles - silence, and you seem to be normal ... So tell him - since you are ignoring me and I am forced to make decisions about our life together and the lives of our children myself, then so-and-so. Of course, all of the above is my monologue, but as an example. It seems to me that if a person close, beloved and loving suddenly falls silent for 2 months ... This is somehow very scary, in my opinion. And I would be just horrified at not understanding what is happening. This is... Brrr.. just creepy. I sympathize with you very much. And when a husband - a support - suddenly ceases to be one - bam and you fall ... And he had nothing like this before?
Today I will tell you about one feature of male psychology, which, if you know and apply in life, you can safely avoid 20-30% of conflicts in relationships. It's a lot - to reduce the number of conflicts by 20%, if for this you need to read a couple of pages of text about male psychology and practice a little.
In total, one of the main features of male psychology is that when a problem or conflict arises in front of a man, he needs to be silent, think about the problem alone or calm down after the conflict. But many women think that if a man is silent, it means he is angry or offended. Let him not get angry and not offended, but THINK)). And since a man is so arranged that he cannot do two things at the same time, he is silent, because his speech apparatus does not work while thinking.
Well, it's very simple, you say. I've already read about it in some book... That's how it is. Just from reading to putting into practice is a very, very long distance.
At least that's how it is for me. It seems that I will read something about women, and more than once, then my wife will explain 10 times ... well, or 110)), how to behave. However, as it comes to practice, then again everything “flies” somewhere, as if he hadn’t read anything. I start arguing for the most insignificant reasons (for how to wean a man to argue, read the article at the link). Or I am silent instead of reassuring my beloved or something else so “brilliant”. Then, of course, little by little progress comes, but much slower than you want.
In total, in order for something to work out in practice, in addition to training, a more detailed description of the rules and principles with examples of male psychology is needed. This is at least. What are we going to do now. And so you can also read a couple of articles, “Why is a man silent” and “What to do when a man is silent”.
Well, what of it? What are the conclusions for living together? The conclusions are as follows:
- If you rightly shouted at your man and after that he is silent, then this does not mean at all that he is silent because he is offended. This is just closer to female behavior. If a woman is silent, it means she is offended. Most likely, the man will simply “depart” after a while and return calmed down. After all, when a man is silent, he calms down. After that, he can easily ask for forgiveness, etc.
Total. If a woman quarreled with a man, then it is better not to let her go far, but if possible, to calm her down. And if you let go, then she can be even more offended and then, sometimes, it is very difficult to make peace.
But with men, as a rule, the opposite is true. If a man offended and wants to go to another room or even take a walk, then let him walk until he calms down. It is better not to touch him at this moment, otherwise the quarrel may flare up with renewed vigor.
In addition, if your reproaches and remarks were fair, he needs to think over and ponder your words, and this takes time and, of course, silence.
And if you "unfairly yelled" at a man?
This just doesn't happen. Even if it is “unfair” now, at this particular moment, it means that you “got it” with all your previous behavior.
- If a man has a difficult problem, then he just needs to be silent. Your presence and an attempt to talk to him and calm him down act on a man as a strong irritant, only exacerbating the problem. If it is even simpler, then the presence of any person (not necessarily you) can simply infuriate him. Better leave him alone. A man will only be grateful to you for understanding or, at least, will not throw out his irritation on you.
Women usually need to discuss their problems. It is possible with a husband or relatives, and preferably with a girlfriend, but they definitely need to be “spoken through”. If the problem is not “spoken out”, then the woman feels bad.
A man does not need to “say” anything, he needs to “solve” it, that is, find money, a new job, etc. And even if you know how to find this money or where exactly you can get a job, since your friend or relative said that a worker of similar qualifications is required there, then even in this case it is not at all necessary to immediately and directly help him. A man must learn to solve his own problems.
And another question, how long should a man be left alone? It all depends on the man and the size of the problem. If the problem is large, for example, being fired with ruin, then the period of loneliness can be up to several weeks or even months. If not very large, then usually enough from one hour to 2-3 days.
Theoretically, women grasp this difference between a man and a woman very quickly. But when it comes to practice...
A small example from the movie "Ask Cindy", in which the relationship between a man and a woman is described quite truthfully. The main character of the film is fired from his job, and he goes bankrupt. After such a blow of fate, he sits stupidly in front of the TV, drinking beer and doing nothing, apparently, for several days. His girlfriend is trying to stir him up and talk to him like this: “You can”, “Let's do something”, “Let's talk about the action plan”, “Let's take a walk, go to friends” and something else in this kind. After a few days, the girl gets tired of the indifference of the man and leaves. After some time, the man comes to his senses and begins to act, gradually achieving success again, even more than before. Only, however, already with another girl.
Therefore, once again. If you have a problem in life, then immediately discuss and talk it over with your girlfriends, husband, etc. Even if they don’t help you in any way, then just from “speaking out” it will become easier for you, that is, they will help you with this. But you know this without me. But if a man has a problem, then give him some time to do nothing and be silent, do not try to “speak” anything with him, at least immediately. In general, study male psychology and communication with a man will become much easier and more pleasant. If something is not clear to you in the behavior of a man, contact me, I will be happy to help.
Again, do not bring everything to the point of absurdity, in this article I did not talk about if a man does nothing for a year, two, three, and so on, and you need to endure all this. This is a different case, and it needs to be dealt with more radically. For example, find yourself another, but this is your business and your self-esteem.
Sincerely, Rashid Kirranov.
