Miracle Center - Women's Portal

Question to the psychologist:

Hello, I have known my boyfriend for more than 2 years, we have been dating for almost 2 years, a couple of months ago we began to live together. I'm 19 years old, he's 23. And the crux of the matter is, I knew that he watched obscene videos anyway, and it didn't bother me before. But now that we live together, I have full access to everything, including his computer. And once I went into the browser history, find the link on which I watch the program, and what I saw. The young man looked at photographs of naked women, and these were not beauties from the covers, but a perversion, photographs of pregnant women aged, well, or just women in their 30s, but not those who have taut forms, maybe not beautiful, but who have fat hanging , hair is not involved, etc. Well, I didn’t pay attention, I thought, well, I looked once, it was interesting and okay. But then I decided to check if he went anywhere else and it turned out he went in, again looked at the same women, in general it was 5 times, well, on different days, respectively. And now I decided to look again where he went, and now these are obscene videos, I don’t know what content, but this is not so important. And the bottom line is, let him watch it himself, or watch it together, but he opens them when I'm not around, went to the store, went to the kitchen to cook when I'm walking, but as soon as he sees, or rather hears, that I'm going to room, he closes the tabs, and starts either flipping through the VKontakte site, or watching a TV series, cartoon, etc., which was included before. As for sexual life, in my opinion, everything is fine, we ask each other if we want to change or add, intimacy is basically regular, I myself can take the initiative, if necessary, there are intervals of a day or two, but this is rare and it doesn't bother me. I can’t say that my appearance is amazing, but I consider myself pretty, the figure is good, I’m not fat, I can pull everything up. As for any parties, it is very rare, well, or most often in such cases we are together, and in the evenings at home. And here is the crux of my question, why is the young man hiding this? Why is he watching this? And should I, well, maybe start a conversation in this direction, offer to look together? Clearly, I will not say that I seem to be following him in this way, but how can I just start this topic? Thanks in advance for your reply. I hope you can advise me.

The psychologist Yagudina Olga Petrovna answers the question.

Diana, good afternoon!

I understand that you are worried about whether it is normal that your boyfriend looks at naked older women, and does this threaten your relationship with him?

I'll answer this question, but I don't want to start with that. View other people's links, phone numbers and social pages. networks is a violation of boundaries, privacy of personal space. You violate his rights. You do not respect him. Would you like him to do the same to you? If you start this habit in your family, you will be disappointed in your partner every time, there will be no trust in the relationship. Everyone has the right to the inviolability of personal space. You should discuss this issue with your young family. He trusts you, and you are cunning.

If you accidentally stumbled upon and did not want to search, then tell him about your feelings about this: it was unpleasant for me, I ask you to close such pages if you suddenly look at them. That's when you can talk about what he likes in these pictures. It's better to discuss it all. If there is trust between partners, then such discussions will only bring you closer. You are ready for this and, as you write, you have this level of trust and openness to each other. This suggests that you have a healthy relationship. Therefore, you should not worry about them. No Internet girl will take a man away from his beloved who is nearby. And there can be any hobbies in sex, as long as both of you like it. Listen to yourself, and if there is internal dissatisfaction, tell him about it, you don’t need to humiliate yourself, but you also need to hear your partner.

I really need your help. I’m 28 years old, my husband is 44. When we walk along the street, he stares at other women very much. I myself am a beautiful girl and I’m very sorry that he does this. I told him 2 times, he he denied everything, and he began to look even more. I'm jealous. my sister says that he just wants to cause jealousy and she can see it. I'm very worried. why he looks at others

Hello Victoria. Perhaps your sister is right and your husband really wants to make you jealous. It is also a way to get your attention. When a man has enough attention, he does not need to attract it in such ways. You are a beautiful girl, but is your husband interested in you? What topics do you talk about while walking? Do you talk to him about anything other than domestic, domestic issues? Do you know what your husband is interested in? Can you be an interesting conversationalist for him?

Fascinated by a conversation with you on topics of interest to HIM, he will stop looking at other girls, and he will see you and recognize you from the other side.

Good luck to you. Sincerely, Margaret.

Hello Victoria! So he stepped on your "corn"! Maybe yours too? Be honest with yourself, what is your lack of confidence? Or what are you afraid of? He has studied you enough or does it unconsciously, but it is certain that it catches you and unbalances you... You told him, but did not talk about your offense. Just tell him ".. I'm offended when a loved one looks at other women in my presence "- and that's it, nothing more, and you don't need to demand oaths from him that he will never do this. The main thing for you is not to ignore yourself and your feelings, but how will he become in the future behave - this is already his responsibility! Further, since it catches you, then it is important for you to deal with it and figure it out ... Why did this happen all of a sudden? Maybe it happened before, only then you didn’t pay attention to it?! Maybe it’s time to reconsider your behavior and attitude, first of all, to your beloved?! This should be dealt with and better in person with a psychologist... And yet, there is such an assumption that if a couple has the same values, tastes in food and lifestyle, or, let's say, a manifestation of respect for interests of the other, while remaining true to itself, then this couple will live happily ever after! All the best to you! Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

hello Victoria!

You are 28 years old and it is very insulting when your husband looks at others.

If you were at my consultation, then many questions immediately arise - how insulting?

can you live with it?

how to live with it?

What can be done for you in this situation?

and many others.

In such situation?

Help you with what?

get rid of resentment?

Or to not look at others?

I have a lot more questions than you.

which ones to answer?

Yours G. Idrisov.

Hello Victoria! You also need to be able to get the aesthetic pleasure of beauty) Your husband looks at others, but he lives with you and you are dear to him, and not those that pass by you when you walk. Jealousy is certainly a sign of self-doubt. Try to talk to your husband, talk, and not tell him. If it makes you feel that way, then what is behind it? Why is he doing this? The best way is to clarify the situation and ask him himself. We, as psychologists, can guess what it is connected with. Sincerely, Olesya.

Hello Victoria! To all of the above, I would like to add the following. Men and women are different. Sometimes, a woman concludes that a man appreciates her less, based on the fact that he looks at other women. However, this is a sign of the psychological health of a man. It is NORMAL for men to pay attention to other women, it is part of their nature. This in no way detracts from YOUR value. Often, women consider people and themselves in relation to them from the point of view of better / worse, but there is another view - "all people are different and I am different, no worse and no better, just DIFFERENT." Appreciate yourself as a unique person! All the best. Sincerely, Aigul

Hello Victoria!

It seems to me that Vash looks at other women because he has a need for this. What exactly, it is not clear, he himself may not be aware of it. But since he does it, it means that he definitely needs it. Perhaps this need does not threaten your marriage and your self-esteem. In order to calm down, you need to understand what kind of need it is, and he must voice it to you himself in a confidential conversation. Thinking for him here is definitely not useful. But before starting this conversation, check yourself if you are ready to hear his frank answer, because it can be anything. It might be better to leave things as they are. In any case, it is up to you and you are also responsible for the consequences. All the best, Elena.

Anitata

My husband looks at other women. The thing is, I'm the problem. As soon as I catch his eye on others, I am very river, I am not very pleased. It all ends with quarrels, and even scandals. Help me, I want to change something, but I don't know how...

Anitata

I am 20, my husband is 22. Married for a year. There were no changes at all. The only thing is that about a year and a half ago, my husband (then he was just a guy to me) began to communicate with a girl, he hid from me. When I noticed that he was hiding something, he still did not tell the truth, and only a while later he told everything.

Anitata

Almost at the beginning of our relationship. He is very sociable with the opposite sex, he could compliment the girl. I made it clear that I didn't like it. Now he stares and tries to hide it from me. But the fact is that it blows my mind even when he just listens to the girl and looks at her. I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid, what if she seems to him better than me, what if he leaves me, and suddenly he cheats, and suddenly he's lying ...

Anitata

Losing the person I love, who means a lot to me. Yes, and it will be very disappointing, all the same, we have been together for almost 4 years.

Anitata

No, but it will probably be hard for me without him. I'm also afraid that he will change, but I won't know.
He told me recently that he only needs me, and only I like him. But he really likes the female body. And so he looks. I can not accept, I feel ugly and unattractive when he looks at others.
I understand that, in principle, nothing like that if we part, but if we don’t part, then living and watching how he looks out for beautiful figures, etc. is very sad and unpleasant

It's a shame to watch how he glances "to the left" or does not take his eyes off someone. I understand that I need to change something in myself and my attitude, but I don’t know how ...

Anitata

Yes. He said he wanted to do what was convenient for him. He said that he simply does not stare, only when talking he looks at the girl, but it is clear that he is LOOKING. I told him more than once that I was not pleased, to tears, but he absolutely does not care

When I don’t tell him anything for this, then everything is fine, he seems to treat me normally, and when I say, we quarrel ...

You understand that you can only convey your request to another person, and whether to fulfill it or not is his decision.
Perhaps your feelings about what you feel that he is able to change you
Perhaps these experiences grow out of your self-doubt.
How do you rate yourself?

Anitata

Probably not very much. It could be much better, and he wants me to change my appearance a little for the better. Moreover, the fact that he looks at others makes me understand that I'm not super, far from super..

Anitata

Follows, but not to such a level that the cubes were). Yes, I know that I need to work on my appearance. But my question remains open. I don't know how to be.

Every woman dreams that her beloved man looks only at her, and does not shoot his eyes left and right in search of pretty girls.

It’s a shame when a spouse walking nearby eagerly examines a beauty walking towards you, or a husband who has come to a party with his wife begins to flirt with other ladies. It's time to figure out why this happens and how to behave in such situations.

Why do men like to look at women?

The desire to admire female beauty lies deep in the mind of a man by nature itself. Once upon a time, their ancestors did not know what love and fidelity were, they used to hunt for the opposite sex. The ability to feel and desire one single lady came later, but the hunter's instinct remained.

Psychologists say: if a man looks at other women, then he is healthy. Interest in other ladies is an indicator of the normal level of male hormones.

If a woman is worried about this, then most likely she suffers from low self-esteem and an increased feeling of jealousy. It turns out that it is not your husband who needs to be treated, but you.

Analyze your behavior. Haven't you ever admired a handsome athlete, actor or TV presenter? Don't you admire superbly built guys with a charming smile and an attractive look on the streets? However, you are returning to your beloved husband and do not think about those who were destined to be only a short episode.

Do not even think that you are somehow worse than other women! It is impossible that you never had to catch the eyes of men walking next to beautiful ladies. It is common for all men to admire girls, only some do it openly, while others do it furtively, fearing to arouse indignation or a scene of jealousy.

How to behave when you notice that a man's attention is drawn to another woman?

First of all, it is necessary to exclude panic and by all means to refrain from open indignation and discontent. Think soberly: a man admires not specifically any one woman in particular, but female beauty in general. You are not jealous, watching how your loved one admires the magnificence of flowers, the perfection of sculptures or beautiful paintings. It is unlikely that it would occur to you to be upset when you notice your spouse's interest in a famous singer or actress.

Do not be afraid of potential rivals and do not try to close the eyes of your beloved man with discontent and resentment. Learn to admire female beauty with him, and then he will not stealthily look at women passing by. Pay attention to your spouse from time to time. beautiful girls, tell him: "Look, what a pretty girl," and soon you yourself will understand that these views are nothing more than a second's attention. After a moment, the men do not remember who passed them. They can’t even answer the question: the blonde or the brunette aroused momentary interest.

For a man in love, a sweet face and an ideal figure of another woman - Nice picture that you want to look at. The birth of feelings is difficult to explain, but the fact that they appear not only to dazzling beauties has long been known. If you constantly nag your husband about his "obscene" behavior and force him to compare himself with another lady, even the most ardent love can fade away.

What to do if in the company the husband begins to pay attention to another lady?

In this situation, it is also extremely important to restrain emotions and not pour a tub of boiling jealousy and hurting fragments of resentment on the spouse’s head. The other extreme - actively winning the attention of other men, may also not bring the expected result - such a woman looks ridiculous, but from the outside it is not difficult to guess what exactly made her change her behavior.

Good Tactics - Natural Behavior. Knowing the features of your beloved man, try to get ahead of his actions. Immediately start chatting with friends, chatting with acquaintances, dancing and having fun. If you notice that your loved one spends too much time next to one woman, come up with a smile on your face, kiss him on the cheek, ask if he has lost you.

How to tell a man about your feelings?

All women are different, if you are very sensitive to male views on the side, then you will have to tell your lover about it. It is best to do this not at the moment when the attention of the spouse is absorbed by the beauty of another passerby, but in a calm atmosphere. Of course, for recognition, it is better to choose a moment when a man is not busy watching a movie or a football match.

Try to tell your husband: “Beloved, I love you so much that I go crazy and get very upset when you look at other women with me. I know that you have me alone, and they are just passing by. But could you, walking next to me, look only at me?! ". You can approach it a little differently and start the conversation like this: “Darling, I have one big request for you.” And then also ask your spouse not to consider the surrounding ladies.

If such a conversation is difficult to start, then you can use another tactic. Walking down the street, draw your husband's attention to how another man walking next to a woman is looking at girls passing by. Tell your companion: "He goes with one lady, and looks at everyone in a row with a hungry look." It is possible that the spouse will understand this hint and think about his actions.

Most men do not even suspect that their beloved women torment themselves with doubts and suffering about this. Having heard such requests from their wives, they begin to comprehend the situation and control their behavior.

If a husband looks at other women, then he is a normal full-fledged man. And this is good news. But if the husband "stares to the left" all the time, it is possible that he is just a ladies' man.

One way or another, watching how the missus looks at others, the wife has unpleasant sensations. Note that sometimes such behavior can cause irritation and even jealousy.

When a guy looks at other girls, you need to look for the reason not in rivals, not in a guy, but in yourself. If you think that others are more attractive and sexy, then why would you become the same? And don't count your years. A lady can be desirable at any age. The main thing is to take care of your appearance and have harmony inside.

If everything is fine with self-care and appearance, but the missus continues to stare, there is no need to sound the alarm. Enough to boost your self-esteem. When self-esteem is normal, confidence in one’s attractiveness appears, acceptance of oneself as it is, and worries about what a guy or husband is doing, looking around, go away. A beautiful lady is focused on herself, she tries to be beautiful for her own sake. By the way, men feel independence and often begin to show increased attention to such a lady.

Question: why a man looks at other women, you should not worry. Get excited when he looks at one, but constantly. This may mean that he likes her. Some ladies are advised to observe the habits and actions of their lover in order to find out what exactly he likes in that person. And also watch the opponent herself in order to ... copy habits and manners. In our opinion, this is fundamentally wrong. No matter what happens, always be yourself. If you start trying on other people's manners, it will be noticeable. It will become unpleasant for your spouse to be near his passion and even more pleasant to be next to the one whom he already laid eyes on.

It is better to resort to a fail-safe method - to cause jealousy. By making you jealous, you will check whether your spouse has become indifferent to your person, and also find out the degree of his indifference. If the degree is low, you need to change tactics - do not blame for indifference, on the contrary - relieve tension, pay more attention and, most importantly, do not demand what he cannot give at the moment.

If the faithful constantly looks at others, psychologists advise self-improvement not only externally, but also from the inside:

• Read more.
• Have a broad outlook, be aware of world events.
• To delve into the meaning of things, learns to have interesting conversations.
• Be interested in what your spouse is interested in. Then you will have something to talk about.

Features of psychology

Why does a husband look at other women? Consider a case from psychology related to the question: why does the husband look at the “side”.

One client turned to a psychotherapist with a complaint that her husband, being next to her, constantly looks “to the left”. Moreover, without embarrassment, he follows the girls with his eyes and almost breaks his neck. The lady explained that she tried to influence the companion with the most different ways- scandals, calm explanations, requests not to do this in her presence anymore, threats to leave forever. The woman was offended, such behavior offended her.

The next consultation took place in the presence of the spouse. During the conversation, it turned out that he really likes to admire beautiful people (which is absolutely normal). However, subconsciously, the partner tried in every possible way to demonstrate this to his passion. Later it turned out that the chosen one very harshly suppressed the desire of the satellite to consider potential rivals. He, like a strong man with character, tried to isolate his independence. The same demonstration was the means for isolation. Thus, the chosen one, as it were, declared that he had the right to be himself, not to succumb to change. And, interestingly, he had every right to behave this way.

Psychology proves that the desire to be yourself and the resistance to pressure from others (even the second half) indicates normal self-esteem, as well as the psychological health of a person. And since the instinct to look at beautiful ladies is inherent in any healthy representative of the stronger sex, then he defended this aspect of personal freedom.

Rigid restraint on the part of the passion means a deep and painful self-doubt, in one's own attractiveness.

And the companion also clearly demonstrates this. In a fit of emotions, we forget about one old and very wise truth - the stronger sex loves women who, first of all, love themselves. Showing jealousy, the chosen one openly says that she is afraid of losing her partner, that she is afraid of being worse than her rivals. Such fear sits deep inside almost every beautiful person and, unfortunately, is hard to eradicate. For some, the fear of being abandoned is so overwhelming that they even put a ban on photos and videos of beauties on the Internet. To get rid of the obsessive state, serious psychotherapeutic work is needed here. In the course of work, it is necessary to achieve from the patient an awareness of her attractiveness and self-sufficiency, and also to stop thinking that if a man looks at other women, then the relationship is over.

The main recommendation from the psychotherapist is not to scold, not to make claims and reproaches, to perceive what is happening as a small male prank, to allow him to do what pleases him. If you do not let go of the situation, you will stumble upon hidden aggression and lose the trust of your loved one. After all, resisting nature, and even more so trying to fix "problems" is at least stupid.

There is one great way to turn jealousy into a joke: what if you look at others together in order to get closer to your partner? What if you yourself turn his gaze to attractive girls, discuss the figure or long legs? This method seems paradoxical and a little crazy, but it works in your favor. So you remove the veto from the desire of a loved one, and the forbidden fruit loses its value. Naturally, the partner will not stop paying attention to the "rivals", but then there will be no obvious demonstration and the conflict will be exhausted. If a person knows that an understanding and self-confident companion is next to him, he will be drawn to her even more.

How to proceed?

What to do to make your loved one pay more attention to you:

• You cannot give yourself entirely. Often the reason lies here. The faithful one feels permissiveness and takes advantage of the position - he becomes selfish, shows coldness towards you. A lady needs to have her own personal space and not let even her loved ones in there.
• In order for personal space to appear, you need to work on yourself: look for, be interested in, get involved in what the spouse does not even know about. The partner may not know what exactly you are interested in, but positive changes will be visible from the inside. If you also get a new environment, and not just do a hobby at home, then this will give the companion a reason to sometimes think about your personal life.
• Do not try to be constantly in the line of sight of your loved one. Some people think that looming before their eyes means making them think about themselves. No. Vice versa. Even if you want to stick to your sweetheart forever, move away. Let him think about his attitude towards you and miss you at the same time.
• To know how to respond to the spontaneous "antics" of the faithful, delve into male psychology. When you understand the true reasons for what is happening, it will become much easier for you to respond to any actions.
• Improve yourself and your family relationships. If there is trust, there will be mutual understanding. Therefore, jealousy will go away on its own. Study the psychology of relationships, do not torture yourself with assumptions and fictions, practice a philosophical approach.