17.11.2010, 01:08
Your actions?
17.11.2010, 07:24
Imagine this situation:
Your beloved man is getting acquainted with your closest friend, with whom you are very close, together for at least 10-15 years.
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
It is necessary to tear with those who put conditions!
Native Natural
17.11.2010, 08:24
As a rule, girlfriends break off relations, and not husband and wife in such a situation.
Firstly, do not make or raise children with a girlfriend (physically, this is only possible through IVF)
secondly, a girlfriend will be a girlfriend for a year or two or ten, and then she will find a man for herself and dump her children to raise with him, leaving you on the beans with your ambitions / divorces.
thirdly, less "blood" at parting. since a “girlfriend” sets conditions, then this is NOT a girlfriend, but so ... a colleague / neighbor / etc. and it’s not a pity to part with such girlfriends.
Alternatively, you can simply minimize their "dates". chat with a friend online on Skype than have a tea party at home for the three of us.
17.11.2010, 08:48
Imagine this situation:
Your beloved man is getting acquainted with your closest friend, with whom you are very close, together for at least 10-15 years.
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
If a person is loved, they will not limit his freedom of communication. A loving girl she will give her man her attention so much that he will not think that he was deprived of this attention. And he will not have a desire to put forward ultimatums. Or or...........
And then, today, leave your girlfriend, then don’t communicate with your parents, then you’ll dig into something else. It's better not to deal with such cretins. Well, let alone love is evil, then put in place by their own methods. Once dispersed, it’s not possible. (Yes, they will still disperse !!!)
17.11.2010, 09:26
For me, if a man sets such conditions, he hurts his "beloved" very much, putting him in front of such a choice, and therefore does not love her.
Katenka - I agree
Native Natural
17.11.2010, 09:40
....
Native Natural, in the situation I described, the conditions are set by a man.
Sorry, I didn't read carefully.
and also worked its own stereotype of family life, tk. read the phrase together for at least 10-15 years. and did not see at all that this, it turns out, refers to a friend:ck:
17.11.2010, 10:32
Beloved or girlfriend
Your beloved man is getting acquainted with your closest friend, with whom you are very close, together for at least 10-15 years.
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
17.11.2010, 10:44
Beloved or girlfriend
Imagine this situation:
Your beloved man is getting acquainted with your closest friend, with whom you are very close, together for at least 10-15 years.
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
A true friend will never interfere true love. In general, in this situation there can be many shades. Girlfriend - jealous? What then is the background of your relationship. Does your friend just have no one else to talk to? You have love, you spend more time with your loved one, but this is so natural, a real friend should be happy for you. One of my acquaintances in his youth did not insist that all relations with his girlfriend be terminated, the girlfriend ruined the whole life of his former passion, because because of the girlfriend they broke up, and very painfully. And her new boyfriend, from a friend, suited only her friend in everything, but not his passion. As a result, he drank himself, not without the help of her friend. The family was unhappy.
In general, such ladies who suddenly have such a choice, personally cause me wariness, I leave them myself.
It goes without saying that if girlfriends are really girlfriends, then they will not spoil each other's life. Everyone understands that personal happiness is personal. That there are no strangers in it. But this is not quite the question that you answered, although maybe you understood it that way. That's what I thought at first too, but then I realized I was wrong. After all, we are talking more about selfishness on the part of a man in relation to his "beloved" woman. To indulge in his entrances is to lose all friends and not be able to communicate for yourself outside of each other.
Here you would like your favorite passion to say such that your friend doesn’t like her to eerily, and he, in turn, doesn’t have a very good opinion about your girlfriend. Like, she's so sekaya, why should she find a better one for you. You will explain to a friend that this is your choice. Or stop talking to him altogether.
And if your friend tells you your choice to live with her is my business, God bless you, but I don’t understand your choice. That is, he is not against her, but he does not want to communicate with her, because maybe he considers her not worthy of you. You would also break off your friendship with him at the whim of your beloved, or say that this is your friend and it does not concern her with whom you communicate outside the home and not to the detriment of personal relations with her.
18.11.2010, 23:39
relationship is not necessary to TEAR ... because everything can be discussed ... because of such an attitude, do not tear!
I have such a situation .. current I am in the role of a friend)))) and I was pushed aside to the last plan)) I think this is inappropriate .. but apparently this is how it should be) in her opinion)))
and in general .. there is no female friendship)
Vasya Pupkin
23.12.2010, 00:01
It is necessary to tear with those who put conditions!
I criticize. It's a pity that friends are sometimes offended. You have to turn on politics.
Justice
07.08.2011, 18:58
You need to explain to the warring that you are not comfortable ...
23.04.2012, 15:35
Imagine this situation:
Your beloved man is getting acquainted with your closest friend, with whom you are very close, together for at least 10-15 years.
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
What's the point of someone going somewhere? As a rule, if such conditions are set, then, in this case, "girlfriend" is just an excuse for parting, well, or at least a quarrel.
There is also such a situation when a young man introduces a friend to his girlfriend and they don’t like each other terribly, and then the friend starts (well, don’t set conditions in the form of an ultimatum), but starts methodically dripping on the guy’s brain “What did you say you found in her” etc. The same scenario happens with girlfriends......
and very often, because of such dripping from friends, not only couples break up, families break up ....
23.04.2012, 16:01
Girlfriend and your boyfriend really disliked each other, antipathetic to hate each other.
A man puts you before a choice - either you break all relationships and communication with your girlfriend, or he leaves.
Your actions?
The author is interested in ACTION under such conditions. not evaluations of people and actions.
23.04.2012, 19:39
You need to close your soul mate and durga in the basement for another day, let them wipe themselves. I think the common misfortune will make them friends ..........
Vyacheslav_R
23.04.2012, 22:16
The author is interested in ACTION under such conditions. not evaluations of people and actions.
Firstly, I will find out the reasons for antipathy (this is fast, because people are close to me and I feel them without bothering))) (well, here's how to conjugate))) in their souls, what drives them), the second - I will decide how and what is fair in their opinions (after all, there is an erroneous antipathy, and even vice versa - antipathy is a veiled sympathy))), is it possible to make them friends (and is it worth it, what if you lose both your beloved and your girlfriend, people in love are weak and selfish) ...
As in one children's book - "on the expression of mom -" one pretty friend will come to us, "dad always smirked, he did not believe that mom had cute friends"...
In general, this is one of the most difficult and delicate situations in life!
Yes, just a different path in life. For our days and nights, sadness,
Thank you for everything, my dear friend, Nezrya, it was not stupid, but not nice.
We will remember with a smile, It will only hurt to get used to:
We are not enemies, we will not be friends either And maybe someday, over the years
This park is again in the rain ... You are in my heart forever.
We say goodbye, but we do not part, Our love is strong, it will return. :fh:
stranger
09.06.2012, 21:01
talk to your husband and offer him an option so that he never sees his girlfriend, i.e. communicate with her in her free time on a foreign territory)) something like this)
Question to the psychologist:
Good day.
Perhaps I'll start from the beginning. I was born in an ordinary Soviet family in the distant Republic of Uzbekistan, I was raised by a strict grandmother and an ever-working mother, my father abandoned me before birth. She grew up as an ordinary child, studied well, a diligent, neat girl, from whom a caring, clean woman grew up, without bad habits, homely, warm and comfortable. But by the will of fate or the policy of states, it happened that after the death of my grandmother, my mother and I had to, as Russian immigrants, move to Russia for permanent residence. It was difficult, cold, hungry, but we are alive, healthy and still hope for the best.
Nine years ago I met young man He was attentive, caring, kind. They began to live together, make plans, even called for marriage. At that time, I had huge problems with citizenship, I was a citizen of Uzbekistan, and the FMS advised me not to burden myself with the issue of marriage and subsequent paperwork, etc. I went to the citizenship of the Russian Federation for 15 years.
Lesha entered my life just with a suitcase in his hands, we lived and live renting a house. The first 4 years we lived in a separate rented apartment, and then my mother was laid off from work, sent to a well-deserved pension. Mom, as a person who worked all her life, was, of course, confused, her teeth began to fall out of stress and became haggard, aged, she tried for six months to find a job in the profession of her accountant, but it didn’t work out. She settled at home, moved to our rented accommodation and locked herself in 4 walls. She behaves quietly, but is always dissatisfied, she is aggressive at my requests and tantrums to get out of this state and nothing changes. And so the 4th year. Of course, my man doesn’t like it, and I don’t like it either, it’s difficult for us both financially and psychologically. I twirl between them, trying to at least somehow smooth the situation, although they do not swear, they just silently ignore each other. But I'm not blind, I can't do anything. I am cornered, there is an opportunity to change living conditions, but my mother does not want to live with Lyosha under the same roof (she believes that he is not a match for me), and he is categorically against buying a home and living with his mother-in-law. And I do not have the opportunity to take 2 mortgages or rent 2 apartments. Today my dear kind man, put me before the fact, either mom dumps, or I'm leaving. I consider this a betrayal on his part, knowing our life situation, this is vile. Help me find a reasonable way out, how not to offend my mother and support, and not lose a man, or maybe just leave everyone ...
Hello Alina! You have had to deal with problems many times. But you solved them and quite successfully.
Now what? Your mother did not find a use for herself, she could not make the transition from vigorous activity to a more calm one, or rather, she was not ready for retirement. She could not find an alternative. Unfortunately, people are not prepared for retirement. You write that you offer your mother to get out of the state into which she has driven herself, but mother is aggressive. How and what do you offer her? How can you download it? What can and does she want to do? You can consider options. Your loved one has lived with you for 9 years, and now he is faced with the choice of "either me or your mother"? This is not a choice, this is pure manipulation of you.
You have to clearly place the accents. Mom is one person and this is mom. Beloved is another person. There can be no question of any choice here! It's not a choice!!!
They have an opposing relationship: discontent, burdened by each other. Because your mother cannot solve her problem, she takes it out on your man "he is not a match for you." And your man suddenly imagines himself not knowing what. Accordingly, all the negative goes to you.
You move between them, you are an intermediary. Stop being between them! Sit down together at a round table and start to decide real problems! So say that there is an opportunity to change the conditions of life, that is, to live BETTER! But life can only be better together. And this fact is not discussed. Everything else is discussed and discussed.
Hello!
Now the complexity of my life is as follows. I dated a married man for 9 months. He surrounded me with such care and attention, which I have never had. We spent a lot of time together. It turned out that our interests coincide - we walked, went in for sports, talked a lot, laughed. In a word, I understood that this the best man in my life. However, after a few months, I began to clearly understand that the man of my dreams, although he pays a lot of attention to me, but every evening, like clockwork, runs home. I started to get nervous. Naturally, talk began about the future. He said that he needed to make a decision to leave his wife. The end of our good communication was a New Year's trip to St. Petersburg, where he decided to take his daughter as well. During this trip, a conflict began. He began to act distant because he was afraid that his daughter would notice something. I started to get nervous. All in all, it was a few days of hell. Everyone was nervous, he shied away from me, I was sarcastic. Nothing good, I'm very sorry that this trip took place. After her there was a conversation - I said that those relationships that were before will no longer be. There are two options - either he creates a family with me, since he says that he loves me so much and does not want to lose me, or he remains in his family. He said he would think about it and when he made a decision he would let me know. It's been 4 days since this conversation. He doesn't call, he doesn't write. I understand that this silence is most likely the answer. It is clear that after the conflicts between us, his doubts only intensified, even if he thought about our prospects with him. Or maybe I didn't think
But the fact remains, I am again dependent on him, I'm waiting. I understand that there is nothing to wait, but I still wait. Heart is very bad. This person really became very dear to me, despite how much pain he caused me. Please help me to deal with this situation on my own. I can't get my sanity back. With my brains I understand everything - this is the end, but my soul hurts a lot. You wrote in one of your books that this is normal, it's like after an operation - at first it hurts, and then it heals. But for some reason I still can’t find the right “mental ointment” so that it doesn’t hurt so much. I can't even write a letter to him. It probably just doesn't make sense. But on the other hand, I would like him to at least answer me. Let him tell the truth that remains in the family. I would like to bring him to this
but how, I don't know. Help me please.
I really hope for your answer. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this letter.
Vitalia, Balakovo, 32 years old
Hello Vitaly.
The fact that he preferred silence suggests that there will be no honest answers, besides, you knew that he was married, and he obviously did not promise anything so that you could talk about another future relationship, except for parting. Words of love do not imply that a man creates a family with you. Despite all the risks of these relationships, uncertainty, parting is usually unexpected, painful, relationships leave behind feelings of disappointment, incompleteness. You could write letters to him, but don't send them yet. Contact a specialist individually to analyze why you ended up in such a relationship. Think about how prosperous a marriage with this man would be, perhaps in reality everything would not turn out the way you hoped if you got married.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
The relationship of a woman with a married man is not uncommon in modern world. Many ladies seriously think about what to do in such a situation - to take a man away from the family or leave? What to do if you are in a relationship with a married man or are going to enter into one? We will talk about this in our today's article.
In a relationship with a married man - "married man" - women enter for various reasons. Some of the fair sex sincerely believe that they can take a successful and attractive man away from his wife in order to start a family with him, some are “led” by the promises of gifts and a beautiful life, and some simply do not know about their true status for this man, since he carefully conceals that he is married.
Other girls have low self-esteem, believing that the maximum they can count on is the position of a mistress. from our previous article.In any case, this state of affairs most often does not suit women who want to start a happy family, and not be content with the status of “eternal number two” in the life of a loved one.
"Beloved" continues to hang noodles on his ears every day, served with different "sauces". The most popular of them are “my wife does not understand me the way you do”, “you are much better in sex”, “I still can’t leave her, she is sick” and so on.
And the girls are happy to be deceived: they believe that the moment will come when the beloved will understand that the lover is superior to his wife in all respects, and will leave the family for a new love.
That is why such girls strive with all their might to “win” the “war” with their lawful spouse, meeting a man in sexy lingerie, serving him masterpieces of culinary art, obeying him unquestioningly and certainly not notifying about their own boundaries.
I can congratulate each of the mistresses who behaves in this way and counts on an early change in their own status in the eyes of a man: you, most likely, will not succeed.
Women and men are wired differently. The first is drawn all the time to change, improve and choose something. The latter (men) never think about changes, if "everything works without them." Only a strong inconvenience that he will not be able to endure can move a man to change.
Therefore, if he has a wife who successfully manages the household, raises his children, and is also his friend and adviser, and a lover with whom you can satisfy your physiological needs without special obligations, and who always looks one hundred percent, not making demands, be sure of his own free will, he would never "choose one person." He is so comfortable.It will be unpleasant for you to read this, but I have to warn you: the best way out of an unpleasant situation is to part with a married man. And the point is not so much that “you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune”, but that, according to statistics, if men face the choice of “wife or lover”, in 80 percent of cases the second one is “in flight”.
A man soberly assesses: it is more profitable for him to give up violent sex on weekends or after work than from an established life and good relations with his wife and children.
He knows: after giving up his mistress, his life will change, but not much. But if he breaks up with his wife, then everything will have to change radically: the former way of his life will collapse, and on its ruins it will be necessary to literally “from scratch” build something new with another woman who still does not know how she will behave in married life .
Therefore, our advice to you: it is better to consciously leave the relationship with the "married man" until you mess things up. However, if you can’t just leave the man you love and still have views on him, then the desire to “outcompete” your wife simply won’t work.
What it will lead to is said a little higher. Your relationship will simply continue on the same terms until you or the man himself gets tired of it.
And in order to motivate a man to make a choice, the surest, albeit a little risky way is to create inconvenience for him.
Men are beings who love to overcome obstacles and win new trophies. And women are all the more valuable to them, the more efforts men make to conquer them.Therefore, if you are a “convenient”, trouble-free option for him, then he is unlikely to want to see you in the status of his wife. Believe me: men will never pay, whether with money, personal responsibility or deeds, if there is an opportunity not to do this!
This is neither good nor bad, it’s just that society usually requires much more achievements and energy costs from men than from women, respectively, if you can “save” somewhere, men will not miss this chance.
In order for you to have the opportunity to officially meet with your beloved, but still married man, you should block him "the path that has been trodden to you." Set your own boundaries, and don't be afraid to do so. Let him know that you are not always available to him, that you have your own business, hobbies, hobbies.
And what's more - that you have every right to go on dates with other men (I note: going on dates does not mean "sleeping with everyone" - this is important)! After all, he is not your husband, which means he has no right to your unconditional loyalty and devotion.
No need to rush to the phone as soon as you hear a ringtone set only for your beloved man. You should not postpone your own plans “for later” just because he “deigned” to come to you in the middle of the night without warning! You should not rush towards him in sexy lingerie if you are not in the mood for sex.
And it is better to use "heavy artillery": to put him before a choice. It is clear that many women are afraid of this, because they internally understand that he will most likely choose a wife and family.
But understand: your chances are the same either way. Remember that the probability of rejecting you is already 80 percent out of 100, even if you do not set boundaries and put a man before a choice!
It's just that the relationship will last on and on until you get bored with him. And then it will be even more painful for you, because you spent so much time and energy trying to “lure” your loved one “to your side”, but he could not appreciate it and still stayed with his family. Therefore, the best way out is to take matters into your own hands. So at least you can save your time and personal dignity.
Put before a choice married man also needs to be correct. After all, if you just repeat every date the phrase “when will you make a choice?”, Then in response you will hear only excuses. A man will simply adapt to this "trouble" and will continue to ignore your needs.
But in order to motivate a man to make a choice for real, you should, firstly, clearly indicate the period during which you will wait for his decision, and secondly, convey to him (and prove it in practice) that during this term, you will not see each other, call up, correspond with, and generally contact in any way. And only in this case, your beloved will really make a choice.
Putting him before a choice, do not humiliate his wife. It is better to say that you believe in his decency and that he will not leave his family to the mercy of fate, even leaving it, but will help with money and be responsible for children, if any.
A man may try to come to you before the end of the term, and most likely he will do it - just to check how serious your statement was and if he can somehow get around it.
And then you have to pull yourself together and ask: “Have you already made a choice?” If vague excuses are heard in response, attempts to pity you, and so on, then you simply close the door to him, saying that you will not continue the relationship without his unequivocal decision.
If at the end of the term the man “disappeared”, know that he made a choice, and this choice is by no means in your favor. Don't worry, just delete him from your life and feel free to start meeting and dating other members of the stronger sex - it is quite possible that one of them will later become your husband, and, believe me, this option is much better than years of empty hopes and short weekend meetings.
And don't get upset. Answer yourself the question (only honestly!), Do you really want this “married man” to become your husband? After all, relationships between lovers and between spouses are completely different things!Would you be able to see him not once a week, but every day, and not only “in full dress, with flowers and champagne”, but in stretched sweatpants, unshaven, with bad breath, irritable, indifferent or closed in on his own affairs?
Would you be able to wash after him not one, but thousands of dishes, cook not one dish a week, but dozens, wash his socks, constantly clean up scattered things after him? After a hard day of housework, could you constantly meet him in sexy lingerie and fully prepared for bed comforts?
And, most importantly, will you be able to defend him if (when) he has a new mistress, younger and “competitive”, not tired of household chores and everyday problems?
And of course, I advise from the creator of our portal.
Hello. I have been dating a young man for 7 years. Now I'm 21 and so is he. Over the past 4 years, due to stressful situations, I have gained weight, and considerable. About 20kg. And our relationship deteriorated. Not even because of his attitude towards me, but because of the way I presented myself. I was embarrassed to go somewhere, I was constantly dissatisfied with everything, I was jealous of him, I checked my phone, etc. He asked me to change, but to no avail. I started but always quit. Then I generally fell into apathy and just sat at home without getting out. She skipped classes at the university and did not communicate with anyone. We lived together. He yelled at me, promised to leave, but in vain. Then he changed me. I forgave him, because. he tearfully asked about it, said that he was mistaken, etc. But again, I haven't changed. And this fall he left. I started to change. Now I work, study, lose weight. But he is in no hurry to return. He is talking to another girl. Although during these 4 months their relationship did not go beyond communication. BUT - they rest together, go to clubs, drive a car, walk. He continues to walk towards me. He comes - hugs, kisses, but does not talk about love, and every time I bring up the topic of his relationship, he says that I should not get into HIS personal life. We communicate constantly. Every day, he comes to spend the night with me sometimes. But for my birthday, he gave me only flowers, explaining that he did not know what to buy. I don't know how to behave, please help me. my brain is exploding with doubt. I love him, I want to be with him, but how can I change the attitude towards me that has already developed, thanks to my own mistakes, and is this possible?
Elizabeth
Hello Elizabeth! After reading your question, the following picture appears to me.
Your young man, having suffered with you, decided to build a relationship with another girl. Perhaps he can be understood. And you, apparently, treated this situation for some time. But we all need certainty, especially in relationships with the men we love. It seems to me that you need to give your young man time and a chance, as he gave it all to you. Probably not only you are confused, but he himself does not know what to do in this situation. Even if he didn’t have a close relationship with another girl, he may feel his responsibility to her or guilt. He does not want to hurt her with his irrevocable and final departure. Or he really loves both of you and doesn't want to lose either one or the other. This explains the fact that it still happens to you. And the gift, it seems to me, is neither an indicator of his love, nor his coldness towards you. Rather, indeed, he himself is in doubt.
I think that, despite your strong love and affection for him, it is not worth doing anything now, and it is not necessary. Sometimes there are situations when you just need to “let go” of circumstances and wait for everything to end by itself in one way or another. Of course, this may end sadly for you. Namely, your young man decides to finally break up with you and stay with another girl. Well .. And you need to be ready for this. After all, he is not your property, which you can unlimitedly dispose of and order whom he loves, with whom to live, etc. The most important thing in such a situation is to continue to live and be strong. Do not give up again, do not feel sorry for yourself, eating this pity with kilograms of sausage and buns, do not close yourself in “your shell”, avoiding communication with other people. On the contrary, in this case, you will need to mobilize all your spiritual and physical strength and, in spite of all adversity, move forward. Of course, the easiest thing is to close yourself off from everyone and everything and sit quietly in your nook. But this is the road to nowhere. Therefore, force yourself to live and over time you will be able to look at this situation differently - you will understand more, see other aspects of your relationship and, perhaps, change your attitude to many things.
Naturally, you can go the other way and invite your man to make a choice. I'm sure you shouldn't give him ultimatums, like "either I or she." Try to talk to him calmly or even better write him all your feelings, anxieties and doubts in a letter. Let him know that you still love him and don't want to lose him, but you can't share him with another woman. Invite him not to meet with you for quite some time - a month, two or six months. During this time, both of you will be able to look at your relationship and situation in a somewhat detached way, as an outsider and understand what each of you needs. I don't think that's a long time for a relationship as long as yours. Do not deprive yourself of pleasure during separation from your loved one and do not refuse invitations from friends to the cinema, theater, trips to nature. Perhaps, sitting with your bitter thoughts alone, you forgot that there are a large number of other joys in the world. Experience yourself in a circle of other people in a new way, dancing in discos, skiing or swimming in the sea. All this cannot replace love for us, but it can return the joy of life and feelings of happiness even from the smallest victories. Perhaps, to your surprise, you won't even miss your loved one.
Try it! It seems to me that this is better than tormenting yourself and his demands, hopes and doubts. Be happy!
