Question to the psychologist:
Hello
I hope you can help me.
I had a girlfriend, she is 18 years old and this is her first relationship with me. We met with her for a year and a half. It was a pretty intense relationship. Sometimes we fought seriously, 2 times a month, but put up and continued our relationship further. Once I had to leave the city for a week, where there was a problem with communication, and I could only communicate with my girlfriend in the evenings. She was very upset that I had to leave and begged me to stay. When I was out of town, I began to notice that she was not very interested in how things were going with me, referring to the fact that she was in a bad mood and she was sad. After my arrival, I decided to ask her what was the matter, why we began to communicate with each other so coldly, to which she replied that she did not know whether it was love, or just affection, I was struck by this answer. I suggested that she think for one day whether we would continue or not. The next day I asked her if she wanted to continue. To which she replied that she did not want to leave. I thought everything would be fine. Two days later, I realized that everything is not the same as before, she does not show any initiative in my direction. I was getting sick. She said that nothing would be the same as before. I came to her apartment, in a very broken state. We sat, she said she would miss me. We had kisses that were initiated by her. I didn't stay with her and left. I felt very bad, I could not sit within four walls. I signed up for a boxing section, began to spend more time with my friends, but my thoughts were only about my ex. A week after the breakup, I find out that she started dating someone else the day after we broke up. This made me furious. They talked even before we broke up with the girl. I was jealous, and we fought with the girl about this, but she told me that he was just a friend, that she didn’t need anyone except me. After 3 weeks, I find out that they broke up. And I was pleased with this, and wanted to get in touch with her. But soon my ex herself writes to me that she regrets what happened, apologized to me in every possible way, and wished me not to be disappointed in future girls. I invited her to meet and discuss it. My ex told me how they started dating. When I was out of town, my ex was relaxing in the country with this man and his friends. She said that at some point she realized that feelings for him began to appear. And they broke up because my ex began to miss me. I asked her if she wants to return the relationship. She replied that she did not know, after all that had happened. She said that she was very bored and regretted, but she did not know if everything would be the same as before. We agreed that we needed time to think. A week later, I proposed to meet. I asked her what she thought, to which she replied that she also did not know that it was just attachment. We kissed, it shocked me, it was very unexpected, because I didn’t think that this would happen at all. She said that during the kiss she didn't feel anything for me. I suggested that she try again, survive this difficult period, let it not be the same as before, but everything will be new. But she also did not show initiative to me, and when I saw her off, she said that she did not know if anything would work out with us, I realized that we were parting again, and that this was the end. I kissed her, thanked her for everything, and left. It was bad, but I understood that there was nothing more to be done here. In the evening of that day, she began to call me saying that she was very ill, that perhaps something could happen. This left me bewildered. I said without any emotion that we had a chance, but you yourself spent it. Two weeks later, she asks me to insult her, referring to the fact that she does not stop thinking about me. I didn't insult her. She says the memories haunt her. I asked her if she wants to return to me, she replied that she misses me, that there are many good memories between us, but this love has passed, and only affection remains. Please tell me, is there any other way to save our relationship? Explain to me, please, the behavior of the girl. And if it is still possible to somehow save this relationship, how to do it?
Hello Andrei. In your question, you ask to explain the behavior of your ex-girlfriend, but I immediately want to make a reservation that psychologists are not telepaths and, just like non-psychologists, they cannot know what is in another person’s head, they cannot read other people’s thoughts, but can only guess. Therefore, what I will write to you is based only on the analysis of your letter and contains only my assumptions.
It seems to me that your girlfriend herself does not exactly understand whether she wants to continue a relationship with you. Perhaps you didn't live up to her relationship expectations by going out of town when she asked you to stay. After all, as far as I understand, your problems began precisely with the departure. From my point of view, this does not speak of her mature view of your relationship, nor of her deep feelings. When you love, you strive to understand your loved one, his circumstances, to find some kind of compromise between your “I want” and his “must”. On the part of your girlfriend, only a selfish, childish position is noticeable, based only on your own desires, turning into some even whims. On your part, however, Andrei, there is also some inconsistency. When your ex girlfriend called with the words that something could work out for you, you had to agree, and not say that "she spent her chance." After all, on the same day, a little earlier, you discussed the possibility of resuming relations. I understand that perhaps you said so out of resentment, but in this case, you made it worse for yourself too. You know, reading your letter, I was reminded of the folk tale about the crane and the heron. I will bring it below. Taken from the collection of A.N. Afanasiev "Russian children's fairy tales".
Once upon a time there were a crane and a heron, they built huts at the ends of the swamp. It seemed boring to the crane to live alone, and he decided to marry.
Let's go woo a heron!
The crane went - tyap-tyap! Kneaded the swamp for seven miles, comes and says:
Is the heron at home?
Marry me.
No, crane, I will not marry you, your legs are in debt, your dress is short, there is nothing to feed your wife with. Go away, lanky!
The crane, no matter how salty it was, went home. The heron then thought about it and said:
Rather than live alone, I'd rather marry a crane.
Comes to the crane and says:
Crane, marry me!
No, heron, I don't need you! I don't want to marry, I won't marry you. Get out!
The heron wept with shame and turned back.
The crane thought about it and said:
In vain did not take the heron for himself: after all, one is bored. I will now go and marry her.
Comes and says:
Heron, I decided to marry you; come for me.
No, lanky, I won't marry you!
The crane went home. Then the heron thought:
Why did she refuse such a fine fellow: it’s not fun to live alone, it’s better to go for a crane!
He comes to woo, but the crane does not want to. That's how they go to this day to woo each other, but they never get married.
Andrey, what am I talking about ... Both of you and the girl behave inconsistently and “do not let go” of each other. I think it is quite possible to renew your relationship if one of you shows more patience and endurance. Since it was you who turned to the psychologist with such a question, perhaps you need to do this. Write a letter to your girlfriend, where tell honestly about your feelings for her, about the desire to continue the relationship. Invite her in a letter not to recall mutual grievances, say that you are ready to listen to her complaints and promise that you will try to work on them in the future. In general, choose the right tone and words yourself, most importantly, do it sincerely and without resentment in your soul. See what she says. If she still has feelings for you, I believe that she will go to meet you. On the other hand, if she continues to behave inconsistently, and will push you away, then bring you closer, think about it - do you need this girl? Does she “deceive” you into emotions, in other words, is she engaged in psychological vampirism?
Andrew, I wish you all the best! Be happy!
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Good afternoon With his health, depending on which side you look at. After the accident, an iron plate was sewn into his leg, which, of course, must be removed, but this is money and time and the postoperative period, he is not ready for this, especially since it does not seem to bother him. He even began to think about whether it would be necessary to remove it at all, but for this he wants to get a consultation with a good doctor, and puts everything off. And so, he leads a normal life, walks without a stick, does not limp, though his arm, after the accident, also does not unbend to the end, but this cannot be corrected and does not bother him either.Time to rest, ....... no, we practically don’t go anywhere, neither to visit, nor to the shopping center, he is mainly at work, and now he has also begun to leave overnight for another city, these are business trips, and he leaves in the morning to work, in the afternoon he calls that he went, then in the evening that he did everything and stays there to spend the night, and in the morning he goes back to work in the office (and not home!), and calls from the office, only home in the evening, as usual with work, i.e. he's been gone for over a day. And back to work the next day. This is what I tried to discuss in the last conversation, because. my patience came to an end, well, and actually agreed to where I started the story.
There is no one to leave the children with, my mother sometimes helps out, but she works and I myself don’t like how she copes with it, she spoils the children very much, does not follow certain rules of our family, and on the contrary, she can question our rules. For example, he does not approve of all sections for the eldest son (gymnastics, development school, swimming pool), he no longer openly declares, but he constantly sets the child against it, I feel it. She does not go anywhere herself and believes that they should only stay at home, she does not even like to walk with children. We have no one to turn to besides her, firstly, there is no such person to whom we would entrust our children, it’s scary to search through ads, but of course you can, but somehow all attempts are cut off, the question of finances immediately arises, mom then sits for free - this is perhaps the most important thing so far.
We had a joint hobby - it was mountain skiing, many years ago, and then he began to engage in other types, I could not keep up with him, he always does everything easily, and I study for a long time. So recently he returned from Egypt, went kiting with a company, I thought he would rest - a brand new, fresh one would arrive, but on the contrary, he arrived aloof.
He finds reasons for all my proposals to relax with his family, even last summer we went to the reservoir where he rode, and I ran along the shore to collect the children so that they would not climb into the water, it was impossible to swim there. In general, I endured, I thought that with my family, on the other hand. And then I began to refuse to ride, it was easier for me to take a walk in the yard with the children. He even sent me to Egypt before his trip with the words "people should rest from each other", I went, had a good rest, for the first time I went all alone, only upon arrival I began to understand when he began to talk about his trip, why he sent me - to lull your feelings of guilt. Because he already went to ride there several years ago, when we only had a little son, for about a year, I stayed alone with him. And then she didn’t let go, if you can call it that, then we already had 2 children. And when I expressed my vision of the situation to him, he was offended, he says that he was sincerely happy for me that I would go to rest.
Hello! A week ago, my husband said that he had no feelings for me, that he did not love me, that he was not attracted to me, and that he was confused, and that we were breaking up. For me it was a big blow. He said that he would pick up his things in 3 days, because it was so convenient for him. I told him to leave right away. Gathered his things and he left. A week has passed, no news from him from him. I don't do anything either. Did I do the right thing when I said that I should leave immediately on the same day? This question bothers me a lot. Maybe I did the wrong thing at that moment, I'm very worried. And is it still possible to save the family and how to behave correctly?
The question of maintaining a relationship is possible only when the lagging partner desires these relationships, and also intensively works on himself in order to correct his personal shortcomings and shortcomings of emotional contact. Relationships in a couple, all other things being equal, are possible when both men and women are approximately the same. And, most importantly, this is possible if both partners maintain approximately the same rate of self-improvement.
Metaphorically speaking, the flight of both birds should be in the same direction, at approximately the same speed and not some distance apart. This is the principle of a joint path, psychological autonomy and independence from each other and the principle of one speed of development, learning. In this version, the relationship will be interesting to both partners, exciting, useful, because they will perform the main function of love - to know and change the properties of their soul.
When you want to know yourself and engage in intense self-improvement, a person appears in your life who feels a feeling of love for you, and you feel a feeling of love for him. When one of you has stopped in its development and does not want to improve further, the inevitable parting awaits you. This should be taken calmly, because if you know how to love yourself and love others, the object for your feelings can easily be found. The main thing is that you want to know yourself deeply by exploring your reactions in intense close contact with another.
Nothing is more conducive to true self-improvement than emotional intimacy with another human being. In close contact, all sides of the character are revealed, all sides of the soul are obvious, both beautiful and not so beautiful. By taking spiritual lessons, we take our level of understanding to a higher level, and this is not easy, but incredibly exciting. It is this experience that allows us to enjoy the feeling of life in the full sense of the word, the feeling of being real, the feeling that life is lived with the right goal - self-improvement of the properties of our soul.
If your spouse left you, this only means that he does not want or cannot go along the same path with you. You did the right thing by letting him go, because you respected the principle of his free will. Perhaps he will learn his lessons with other people, each has its own rate of development (as well as degradation).
You were upset that you did not wait three days, and put him out with things immediately, on the same day. Of course, you were driven by a feeling of anger, and you made an emotional decision. Thoughtful decisions are made slowly, when the influence of emotions has decreased. You were right in that you did not persuade your husband to return, despite the fact that it is difficult for you.
It is impossible to violate the principle of free will, because otherwise we show disrespect for the personality of another person.
Your mistake was that you were angry at the departure of your spouse and decided to collect his things immediately. It would be possible to give things in three days. You wouldn't feel triumphant that you could hurt him too, but you'd retain your self-respect.
You may have experienced great pain from his decision, but believe me, it's better to accept everything as it is. You have a chance to create a new relationship, with a person who suits you better. Use it after you have undergone psychotherapy and analyzed the mistakes of your marriage. If your spouse wants to return, he will contact you himself and tell you clearly what kind of relationship he wants. You can always build a new relationship from the ground up if both of you decide to. Do not hold a man against his will, after all, marriage is a decision of two hearts, and not just yours. Respect ex-spouse and don't bother him. All the best!
Where are the feelings of a man?
I often hear this question from clients: “He says he loves me, but this is very rare. As for the rest, I don’t feel anything - no manifestations, he will never say a compliment, he despises tenderness, he believes that he is already overly sentimental with me.
I feel very cold next to him. And I can't get any expression of feelings. In response to my requests - one answer: "I am like that, and nothing can be done about it."
How to recognize the real feelings of a man? Is it possible to get an expression of feelings from a man, or are there those who are not given this? And what is behind this inability to show feelings?
Those to whom this is “not given” - no, you should know about it, and not allow yourself to be misled by such illusions.
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There is such a prayer: "Lord, give me the strength to change what I can change, the humility to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other." That is what you are doing in joint work with a psychologist: looking for resources where changes are possible, acceptance and humility where they are not yet possible, and self-awareness in order to distinguish one from the other. The psychologist acts as a mirror in this work, helping you understand yourself. And the one who can give you strength and everything else is within you.
