In psychology, divorce is called the death of a relationship. How to live after a divorce in the same apartment, if people become strangers to each other? Is it possible to continue to share with ex-husband shelter and at the same time remain a calm and balanced, self-confident woman?
If the couple has decided to finally part, as a rule, the desire to communicate in the future does not arise.
Nevertheless, after a divorce, it is often necessary to share one living space, because the housing issue is always a problem. It is not possible to leave immediately, since it is sometimes difficult to exchange an apartment, it takes time.
In addition, sometimes people hesitate because they just feel sorry for destroying what has been created over the years. We need to look for an option that would suit both sides.
There are many cases where the relatives of a couple who have received a divorce prevent the final separation. For various reasons, the former spouses live under the same roof, and they have no choice but to live on almost the same conditions, to continue to run a joint household.
Although this situation is difficult, it has not only negative aspects, but also positive ones. In this state of affairs, there is always constant emotional stress, and if one of the couple cannot come to terms with parting and divorce, then life is filled with scandals, exhausting showdowns, reproaches, people are constantly stressed.
According to psychologists, living under the same roof after a divorce has a negative impact on the younger generation. The attitude of children to the divorce of their parents is a very complex topic that requires serious attention. Constantly conflicting parents, forced to live in the same apartment after a divorce, draw children into their showdowns, affecting their psyche in a far from good way.
Children in such families become aggressive, anxious, they experience self-doubt, distrust of others. It is clear that such a life becomes the cause of the appearance in a child psychological trauma which may require special treatment in the future.
The disadvantage of living in the same apartment after parting is that neither partner has the opportunity to arrange a personal life. In such a situation, it is unrealistic to invite someone home. If everyone lived separately, then the affairs of the heart would be adjusted faster. And if one of the former spouses is aggressive and suffers from jealousy, then there is no need to talk about new relationships while people are in the same apartment.
It happens that after a divorce, a couple realizes that the separation was premature. Passions subsided, resentment ceased to seem so significant, and the woman understands that she could reconcile with her ex-husband, because it turned out: they are still attractive to each other.
How do they live after a divorce in the same apartment, if it becomes possible to look at a partner differently, evaluate him as an outsider?
After a while, spouses can forget about the reason that pushed them to break. Perhaps someone will think: “Why do I live separately, because everything could be different?” This is a very insidious situation, and psychologists emphasize that caution is required here.
Very often, the return of past feelings is an illusion, and after a short time, the partners again feel dissatisfied with each other.
If a woman begins to be interested in an ex-husband who is now unavailable, rediscovers many positive features in him, she should think carefully before trying to return her husband after a divorce. In any case, if you can’t part ways, you need to decide how to live so as not to irritate each other.
First, all domestic issues should be resolved. That is, you will have to agree on where personal belongings will be located, who and at what time will use the washing machine. The right decision would be the section of dishes and even shelves in the refrigerator. Such measures are needed, because practice shows that the most violent quarrels arise precisely because of the little things.
If domestic issues are successfully resolved, living together under the same roof after a divorce will not be so painful, there will be less conflicts on this basis. This situation implies that the spouses will be able to communicate as neighbors and even support each other, at least in small things.
If there are no claims to each other, such a life proceeds calmly, so you can peacefully coexist for months and even years. But, if after a divorce, life turns into hell, when every act of the former second half is perceived as a personal insult, you need to leave urgently. Moreover, it is better to agree to conditions that do not suit you very much than to live in a state of constant stress.
In addition, one of the spouses can temporarily move in with relatives, friends, or simply rent an apartment. To preserve your health, bodily and physical, you should not spare money. It should be remembered: even if you only feel hostility towards your former partner, this is not a reason for petty intrigues.
In any situation, you should maintain self-esteem. If even after a divorce you had to live together, it is important not to lose mutual respect, this will help solve the problem jointly and without prejudice to both parties.
Divorce is a serious step. For some, this is a long-awaited deliverance, while for others it is a real tragedy that is difficult to endure. Moreover, it is very difficult to come to terms with what is happening, to accept a break in relations as inevitable if you have to live in the same apartment even after a divorce. What happens when ex-spouses continue to live together, becoming strangers?
Few people live peacefully, in most cases people's behavior is scandals, including assault, noisy sections of property, pouring mud on each other. If the divorced couple is represented by adequate people, it is quite possible to count on a further prosperous life, even if it is not yet possible to live separately.
And if the ex-husband is an alcoholic, a tyrant, a crazy jealous man, then he will not change in the future, it is difficult to negotiate with such a person. A woman can spend a lot of energy to somehow resolve the situation, not to irritate the children, but there will still be no improvement. In such cases, you can decide to sell your share of the home and use the amount received as the first mortgage payment.
Some in such cases prefer to rent an apartment, just to live in peace. Of course, you don’t want to pay for someone else’s housing, but it’s wrong to be under the same roof with a person full of hatred. It is necessary to solve the problem and make a decision as soon as possible.
The divorce stamp in the passport by itself, as you understand, does not solve any problems yet. Neither psychological, nor worldly, nor legal. And if you initiated the divorce, as in the other 68 percent of divorced couples in the country, you will have to act decisively and firmly.
Emotions
Of course, you are also from the point of view of the psychological "sick divorce." If you follow the advice of professionals, you should give yourself no more than a year to get depressed. You may be able to cope, but this is hardly realistic in your case, when the gap did not occur either in time or in space, and the person with whom half of your life has been lived is still there, only in a completely different quality. When “out of sight”, it is easier to get “out of mind”. Your version, Tatyana, is a monstrous extreme, however, one of the most popular in his native country. Thousands of women fall into the trap of "living space", and life with an ex-husband on common square meters turns into everyday unbearable torture. You are not in the worst position yet - there are no young children, the husband, apparently, does not drink or rowdy, And even more so he does not raise his hand against you, as in hundreds of other similar cases. Actually, it is the housing trap of many women that forces them to bury themselves in the ruins of marriage. Why put the notorious stamp when there is nowhere to go anyway?
But after all, you decided on a divorce, which means that you kept some option, at least an approximate one, in your head. I even know which one. As a decent person, he will immediately leave, leaving me an apartment. Or, in extreme cases, we will peacefully look for ways to leave. It is so? Alas. Well, judge for yourself, if your husband were so spiritually subtle, intelligent and decent, would you have reached the last point of your marriage with him? Why, then, the unbearable insults that you write about, the pangs of jealousy and everything else that made you part? So one should hardly be surprised by his current behavior. Rather, on the contrary, you received another proof of the correctness of your decision. And if you don’t have to wait for mercy on his part, then you need to act on your own. If your cohabitation does not bother him (although, frankly, we can assume that he is not completely indifferent to you either, his attempts to prove it are too demonstrative), and this hell acts simply destructively on you, you must first of all save yourself. And the first step is not to see and not to hear.
Practice
Unfortunately, with his persistent unwillingness to sell an apartment and buy two new ones, you practically don’t have any real options for moving away. Yes, you can, of course, sell your two shares with your daughter and thereby arrange a real communal apartment for your ex-husband. But if you find a buyer - which is also problematic, since the new owner may have difficulty obtaining your husband's consent to his registration. There are a lot of subtleties that no lawyer will undertake to explain in absentia. It is better to go to legal advice and get qualified help for your specific situation for two thousand. After all, even the date of privatization of the apartment matters here. With a lawyer, you can also discuss the issue of forced exchange through the court. Although all this, as you understand, will require your considerable efforts and means. But, who knows, maybe somewhere in the middle of these judicial and legal troubles and your husband will want to quickly solve the problem, agree to calmly move to a new passion or sell this apartment and buy two suitable for you and for him. Or - he will agree to buy your shares from you and your daughter. And this money can be enough for a small apartment. But, most importantly, he will understand that you are ready for decisive action, and do not play the role of a sheep for the slaughter.
Or here's another option - rent an apartment for yourself, go live with your daughter or girlfriend, and try to rent your room. The husband, of course, will object, put up all sorts of obstacles, and most likely, nothing will come of this venture. But the nightly viewings themselves with the appearance of potential neighbors will play a mise-en-scene - no worse than Raikin's "Force of Art". A little plagiarism won't hurt you. But perhaps in a month the issue will be resolved by itself.
And in renting an apartment yourself is also not as exotic as it seems. You were going to give money to your husband, spend it on yourself. Yes, you will have to do without your favorite kitchen with your favorite juicer and meat grinder, and without a bunch of things that are dear to your heart, but believe me, all of them are not worth your very heart, for which there have been too many trials.
Most of our problems stem from the fact that we are trying to solve a very difficult issue immediately and permanently. And most often you have to act progressively, in small steps. But act. This is a lifeline for any stress.
Your script
“Not to see and not to hear” is possible, even if it is not yet possible to disperse physically. In the end, a good actress lives in each of us, why not take advantage of this? Come up with a different name for your husband, and it’s better if it is a character you know, but completely indifferent. For example, a colleague from a parallel department. So, now the husband is Ivan Ivanovich. And your behavior should be adequate to the behavior with Ivan Ivanovich. Hello - goodbye, cold bow, thank you - please. It's funny and useful, even if you suddenly call your husband someone else's name. The ex-husband set the distance, increase it yourself. No attempts to sort things out, no complaints. Bring your friends and also better friend. No? Ask at least the same Ivan Ivanovich. It is unlikely that anyone will refuse a little adventure. And you will be a little distracted from mourning thoughts. It will even be funny to see how your ex-husband reacts to your baked chicken not for him and other preparations for a romantic dinner.
But all these "games" do not cancel the main thing - you are looking for the fastest way to leave.
And try not to succumb to the extremely unconstructive, although fairly fair thesis - why should I, why shouldn't he? Who owes whom, you couldn't find out in 25 years life together, is unlikely to succeed even now. But the fact that it is you who must preserve yourself as a reasonable, strong and ready for a new life woman is certain. And, you know, among other things, this is a very exciting activity.
Irina ALEKSANDROVA
There may be several reasons for this decision. As a rule, the main one is material difficulties, when both of you have nowhere to move yet. So the most important rule is not to delay cohabitation and look for opportunities to disperse as soon as possible. It is better to rent a room in an apartment with your girlfriends than to continue to see your ex every day.
If you prefer to live with your ex-husband in the same house, maybe you are just not ready to finally let go of this relationship and hope to resume the romance? Or he uses you: it is convenient for him to continue to live in this format - without obligations, but in a comfortable, tidy apartment. Analyze your motives to draw some conclusions and change the situation.
Some couples with children maintain the appearance of a relationship even after a divorce, so as not to allegedly harm the psyche of the child. Do not deceive yourself - the child will feel everything. Most likely, you will constantly have conflicts against the background of living together and lack of love.
Try to follow these rules if you decide to live with your ex-husband together:
There are quite a lot of people who have separated, but due to circumstances live together. The reasons for such a strange, at first glance, act may be different, but often it is the lack of separate housing. People are forced to live together until they close the mortgage or sell the common apartment. Living with an ex-husband under the same roof can be a comfortable tandem or a real hell - it all depends on what rules you play by. How to build a relationship with the former, if you have to lead a joint life?
Of course, living with an ex-spouse under the same roof causes emotional stress. Especially if the woman was against divorce and wanted to maintain a relationship with her ex. Daily contact within the same apartment is not an easy test. It is important to find the right line of conduct, otherwise exhausting scandals and reproaches cannot be avoided.
You need to be especially careful in the manifestation of emotions in cases where there are children. They are very sensitive to any clarification of the relationship between their parents. The nervous situation in the house will lead to the fact that the child will become withdrawn and insecure or, conversely, aggressive and quick-tempered.
In order not to completely spoil the relationship, the former spouses need to learn to live together according to the new rules. It is important to solve minor household issues: how to divide the space, who takes out the trash and buys groceries. It is everyday little things that can complicate a complicated relationship and provoke heated quarrels. If you discuss all the issues in advance, living together will be much easier.
Living under the same roof incurs shared costs. First of all, agree on how you will pay the bills for the apartment. Try to maintain financial independence as much as possible - this will help make your complicated relationship more transparent.
It is very important to set boundaries, otherwise it is likely that one of the partners will hope for a resumption of relations. Despite the desire to feel desired, keep emotions under control. Sometimes loneliness makes people do rash things that they later regret.
Psychologists say that even if there is an intimate relationship between former spouses, it is better to sleep in different beds. This will help to avoid unfounded claims and protect against deceived expectations.
It is very difficult for women to accept the fact that the ex now has every right to live his life without providing an account of every step. Respect your partner's privacy. It could be about anything: food, household chemicals, or his room. Never interfere in his affairs, so as not to completely spoil the relationship with the former.
When people break up, love often turns into hatred. If the ex-spouse behaves unworthily, try not to respond to his provocations. He has one goal - to exalt himself and bring you to emotions. Psychologists say that after the stage of anger comes humility. Do not respond with aggression to his anger - then it will be much more difficult to break this circle. Better find the strength in yourself and give ex time calm down.
If you are the aggressor, try to accept your feelings. Talk to a loved one, throw out emotions on paper, or seek help from a psychologist. But do not pour mud - this will ruin the relationship with the former and harm, first of all, you.
Situations when an ex-husband is not ready to let go of his ex-wife are not uncommon. He can live his life but does not accept free behavior ex-wife. The jealous man arranges interrogations, "suffering" for lost love. Such confusing relationships can bring a lot of negative emotions and experiences.
First of all, figure out whether you are really ready to leave or whether you are flattered by such attention, increases self-esteem. Women can keep a man close with the help of manipulation and non-verbal cues. Carefully analyze your behavior, consider whether you are allowing your ex to forget you or giving false hope.
Friendship between exes is rare. But even if you do not become good friends, it is important to lay the right foundation so that further relationships develop harmoniously. Then you can live under the same roof without stinging remarks about each other.
Conduct an internal dialogue, mentally express all the claims to the former - this will help heal the emotional trauma caused by the breakup.
To end a confusing relationship, you need to understand the reasons that led to the disagreement. Only then will it be possible to let go of the past and see a happy future. Sometimes it happens that after introspection, people realize that they parted in vain. They are still attracted to each other, they are not ready to start a new life.
Living together with a former partner provides an opportunity to look at the situation differently. Small grievances are forgotten and people begin to appreciate the positive qualities of each other.
Psychologists believe that in such a situation one must be extremely careful and not rush to reunite. Perhaps the thaw in relations with the former is just an illusion. Alien and impregnable always attracts - that is why many couples converge again, but make the same mistakes and again suffer from misunderstanding.
You don't have to go out of your way to save a relationship that ended long ago. Take the need to live under the same roof as a temporary inconvenience, a coincidence. Mentally let go of your ex and focus on your life. Be polite, correct and friendly - this is a powerful weapon against anger and aggression. Be happy today - this is the best thing you can do right now!
