Hello Irina.
It is very good that you noticed this and thought about the existing problem. This is already 50% success. Awareness alone helps change the situation. but often there are situations in our emotional life that we cannot handle. We seem to lose our heads and do stupid things, forgetting all our aspirations and desires.
This suggests that you yourself feel very bad and hurt, that you cannot fully realize your own needs and therefore satisfy them. Anger, irritation, sometimes fear and anxiety accumulate.
It is the anxiety of parents, the background surrounding the life of children, that makes them also anxious. The fact is that from the age of three, children begin to experience characteristic periods of age-related fears. This process is regular and natural. Fears arise in the imagination of the child, and he learns to endure them, and then cope with them and get rid of them. However, parents can interfere with this natural course. They can increase fears, which does not allow the child to endure them, they can strengthen them, which prevents the ability to cope with them on their own or get support so that a small person can overcome fear with the help of a strong adult. Thus, natural age-related fears remain "not digested", accumulate and strengthen in the psyche.
Conflicts between parents naturally cause additional anxiety in children and increase their fears. The child may begin to feel that this is not his mom and dad, as he blames himself for their conflict and at the same time cannot accept this terrifying idea. He begins to fear that he will not be loved and abandoned, which means imminent death in his imagination. It may also be that the child continues to be disturbed by earlier fears that he has not yet managed to survive to the end, for example, the fear of the dark.
Your anxiety and imbalance associated with divorce and resentment against your husband is perceived by your daughter as a signal of dislike for her. Imagine that she is terrified that you will leave her. She still cannot realize this, but simply lives with this horror in her heart.
Of course, you can try to deceive her and show her that everything is all right with you, tell her about your love, but the children are very perceptive and the daughter will inevitably feel the insincerity of your words. The best solution would be for you to contact a psychologist and work with your emotional state. This will not only help you get through the divorce and calm down, but it will also give your daughter a very important experience of positive feelings and emotional support.
Believe me, Irina, that now it is better for you to think about yourself than to try to force yourself to be the right mother.
If you cannot find a good psychologist in your city, I will be happy to work with you via Skype.
Skype consulting, fortunately, allows you to talk with clients anywhere in the world. Among my clients there are many people living not only in different cities, but also in other countries. After all, it is best to talk about the innermost in your native language, and in a foreign country it can be impossible even with an abundance of psychologists and psychotherapists.
You will need a good video link and one hour a week where you can talk freely without fear of being heard by anyone other than me.
Contact, call or sign up for a Skype consultation here on the site. There is no need to torture yourself in vain - it is enough to admit that not everything is within our power, and sometimes we need outside help.
Several conversations with a psychologist will help you realize what is bothering you, give you the opportunity to speak out and be heard, and therefore be understood by yourself. It is difficult to calm the nerves by willpower when the pain and despair caused by unconscious reactions remain in the soul. There is not and cannot be logic in them, you just need to accept and realize them. Attempts to act "correctly" will only aggravate your condition, since spiritual hunger cannot be satiated with logical food.
I wish you and your daughter peace and harmony with yourself, clarity of your thoughts and feelings, love and understanding.
Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.
Good answer 3 bad answer 0My child is 3.5 years old. She apparently has the same crisis of 3 years, but it's not about her, but about me. She did not want to go to kindergarten in the morning, shed tears, I tried to translate everything into a game, somehow cheer her up. And she hit me hard. Like in the game, she did not expect. I was in pain and I burst into tears like a child, both from pain and from resentment. The daughter laughed at first, then worried, but did not apologize. And I was very offended and angry at her for this and for the fact that she did not obey me all morning. And now for five hours I have been in this stupid, childish state, and I cannot get out of it on my own. What to do?
Hello! Knowledge on the formation of skills to effectively influence children's behavior will help you. It is important for you to understand how your behavior affects your daughter's behavior. Let's figure this out.
In the family, everyone plays an important role. A family is a subsystem in which there are 2 or more of its members: a man and a woman, their children. Other family members - grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on, are not included in this subsystem. In any subsystem, each of its members plays a unique and important role: wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter. Each rodi has its own functions, thanks to which the subsystem harmoniously exists and develops.
Adult members of the subsystem perform several roles simultaneously: husband and father, for example, or mother and wife. Children, on the other hand, are the younger and more vulnerable members of the subsystem, and the main task of parents is to provide them with protection, care and training in basic life skills. The Child should not play the role of the Parent in this subsystem, and the parents should not play the role of the Child. Although this happens quite often.
Parent (mother, father) - authoritative, knowledgeable, strong, intelligent, experienced, possessing life skills, responsible. The child is weak, inexperienced, poorly in control of his reactions, living by instincts, emotions, reacting spontaneously and openly, not bearing responsibility.
It is important for the Parent to do this, then the Child will follow him as more experienced and, repeating his behavior patterns, learn independence and acquire the necessary life skills. Everything is like in the animal world: in order for the tiger cub to learn how to get food, he watches how his parents do it and repeats after them. Parents provide him with care and protection until he learns everything necessary for an independent life. Everything is the same for people: parents, by their example, teach the child to respond to different life situations, interact with other people, with himself, make decisions, and so on.
What your daughter can teach Your reaction to her behavior - when offended, you need to be offended and cry. Children unconsciously copy their parents' behavior patterns.
In the Parent-Child relationship, the Parent is big, strong, who knows how to act, and the Child is weak and does not understand how to behave effectively. The child reacts somewhere instinctively (where he has not yet learned), but somewhere according to the parental example. And he expects that the Parent, taking into account his life experience and his knowledge, will influence the situation and teach him how to act effectively.
It is important to respect the child and not ignore his needs. Very often, the aggressive reaction of the child is due to the fact that the parents openly and directly do not respond to his need. Show that you see and understand his feelings and his need, and only then lead a further dialogue. Diverting the child's attention, talking teeth, means ignoring his needs and his feelings. If the attention of a one-year-old child is quite easy to switch and divert from his own emotions, then at the age of three and a half years the child already concentrates his attention quite well. And the more you distract him from his experiences, the more you ignore his need. That is why anger arises. Imagine that you are talking to a person about what is important to you, and he speaks your teeth and seeks to divert from the topic. What will you feel? Most likely an annoyance, to say the least. The child also feels the same, only he still does not know how to manage his emotions and situations as well as you do. And it entirely depends on you.
The state caused by the discrepancy between what is desired and what we have is called frustration. In a state of frustration, a person often experiences anger, and seeks to eliminate the cause of the obstacle to the desired. For a child, a parent is both an opportunity and an obstacle to getting what they want. It is important to respond correctly to the collapse of his hopes and expectations.
1. Communicate calmly and confidently. Show your child how much you love him. Best of all, your affectionate and strong hugs will show this. Hug the child, this will reduce his anxiety and establish a connection with him. Tactile contact, gentle touches and a soothing voice always reduce anxiety. Both in children and adults. It is important to take this step at the very beginning, when the situation has just arisen.
2. Look into the child's eyes, but not from top to bottom, but on an equal footing. Get him on your lap, sit next to him, or kneel in front of him so he doesn't feel pressured. The feeling of dominance includes defensive reactions. The child will be protected.
3. Communicate with the child respectfully. Adjust to his intonation, so he will better perceive what you said. Show that you see, understand and respect his feelings: “I see that you are upset that now you need to go to kindergarten. You don't want to do this. I understand you". You show respect for the child's feelings and teach them to express emotions with words when they name them.
4. If this did not calm the child, explain to him the need for these actions, as an adult, but in words understandable to a three-year-old child: “You will stay in kindergarten while I am at work. And in the evening we go for a walk together.
5. Repeat the first step.
6. If the child is still angry and directs anger at you, tell him about your feelings in connection with his behavior, using “I-statements”: “It hurts me and makes me angry when someone hits me (bites, throws toys …)”, “I am very unhappy when they beat me.” Speak in your own name, using the pronouns "h", "me", "me". Speaking of her: “You offended me”, “You are a bad girl - you beat your mother”, “You should not beat your mother, this is bad”, you criticize the child, thereby stimulating his defensive reactions in the form of screaming, biting, pinching, throwing and etc.
7. If a child is systematically dissatisfied with having to go to kindergarten, figure out what the reason is. Perhaps he is offended there, or he is very tired from classes. The aggression of the child is a sign that he is uncomfortable and ill for some reason.
8. It is impossible to punish a child in such a situation!! So you teach him to ignore himself and his needs. In the future, this will lead to serious behavioral consequences and difficulties in the life of the child.
No repetition is needed. Until the child learns to express emotions through words and put up with the collapse of plans and hopes, it is important for him to help him with this through such behavior. I must say that the same rules work well with adults.
But why is it sometimes so difficult for the relationship of the two closest people to develop -?
The statistics are relentless: 99% of daughters do not share their innermost with their mother. This is shocking and saddening at the same time. Who can be closer than the mother who gave us life? Why are we often peremptory in our judgments and grievances? And it's so difficult sometimes to dial a phone number to ask - "How are you, mom?".
Reasons for losing trust
Most moms don't really understand why their daughters resent them. After all, they sincerely wish their continuation of happiness and make every effort so that it does not pass by. But the latter is often not necessary for children. From the height of our experience, we give advice, imposing our tastes, views and passions. This is precisely what breaks the fragile thread of high spiritual intimacy between two women - the eldest and the youngest. Remember, the reason for the majority is “she doesn’t understand me!”.
“My daughter is selfish. So that she does not need anything, I put my health, time and strength on the altar. I didn't even get married a second time. And she insists that she did not ask for all this. Ungrateful!"
“I have a daughter, and my mother constantly terrorizes me with her advice. Many of them have already lost their relevance, because we were brought up in Soviet times. Medicine has stepped far forward, now everything is different. I'm tired of explaining to her that breastfeeding should be on demand, and diapers are not evil. Mom does not want to admit that I am an adult woman and I myself can make decisions for my child.
“My mother was expecting a son, and I was born. In the heat of every quarrel, she reminds me of this and says that she does not need me. I would have left home a long time ago, but I have nowhere to go. I'm trying to talk to my mom, but she can't hear me."
Each of these cases is unique. The classic rightly said: "All happy families are happy in the same way, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Each of us has our own Calvary, the ascent of which hurts painfully. It is unlikely that any of the mothers or daughters will feel better because someone's relationship is even worse. After all, the closer people are to each other, the more acutely they experience omissions and quarrels.
Looking for the culprit
The most important thing for us in life is a sense of security. Therefore, the claims of mothers seem somewhat ridiculous in comparison with the confessions of their daughters. Each of us, building a relationship with a man, wants to be loved and desired. Why don't we leave this right to daughters in our own families? Remember how many times you explicitly or veiledly demanded gratitude and humility from them! But you can’t do that, it’s short-sighted and cruel.
It is also depressing that we all bear the stamp of “dislike” to some extent. The beginning of this was laid back in the Soviet maternity hospital. When the baby was born, he, as they do now, was excommunicated from his mother. The first meeting of the child and mother could take place only after 12 hours. Surprisingly, our subconscious remembers this, the trauma experienced often manifests itself in adulthood. None of us is immune from outbursts of subconscious resentment towards the mother. If you do not understand why you are offended by your mother, this is most likely the reason.
Another reason complex relationships between mother and daughter "hides" in the child's psyche. Young children take everything literally. Even once said a rude word can forever crash into memory and hurt for the rest of your life. Therefore, phrases like "Go away, I'm tired of you!" in the child's head are converted into a statement of fact "Mom does not love me, she does not need me." Remember, you are responsible for every word you say to your child. As soon as your daughter feels old enough, she will present you with an account of her grievances.
The conflict is growing. What to do?
The harmonious development of the child is built according to its own laws. If there are failures in the personality development program, the little girl runs the risk of growing up insecure and. To prevent this from happening, you must recognize your child's right to express negative emotions.
Alas, many mothers are constantly fighting with their children for the prerogative of "being out of sorts." We allow ourselves to take out anger and resentment on our children. It doesn't matter what is the precondition for this - problems at work, an unsettled personal life or burnt pancakes, we do it. At the same time, the child is forbidden to react negatively to the increased tone of the mother and express their emotions. But this is unfair, you see! As soon as you understand this, mutual reproaches, tantrums and scandals will stop. Believe me, even the breakup of a relationship can be reversed!
The path to reconciliation
Why put up if it doesn't hurt anymore? This question is often asked to psychologists by adult girls. They can be understood - you don’t want to experience past grievances once again. But it is necessary. First of all, to get well. We are responsible for the future of our children. With the heavy burden of the Cold War with a loved one, it is hard to become a happy wife and mother. Unspoken grievances interfere with a full life, hurt and one day they will certainly “shoot”.
How to get on the path of reconciliation? Very simple, you need to sincerely want to. You should not hope that it will work out right away, but it is important to go towards this - the road will be mastered by the walking one!
Having decided to talk with her mother, an adult daughter must follow the “safety rules”. You can talk about your feelings, experiences, resentment, but not about the fact that mom is bad. You need to talk about yourself, it is better to first remove the intensity of emotions, having trained with a friend or a psychologist. The conversation should not be too long, half an hour of "execution" is enough.
What should mom do about it? An older woman, as wiser by experience, must endure insult, be able to admit her mistakes and accept that she does not have the right to file a counterclaim with her daughter.
Will the relationship improve after the conversation? Of course, having freed her heart from pain and bitterness, an adult daughter herself will justify her mother. And then a bright living fire of love, mutual understanding, care, warmth, tenderness and affection will flare up between them.
Love each other and be happy!
We grow up, become respected adults, but often, instead of starting to accept our parents, we keep on proving something to them as a childish habit.
We pronounce familiar phrases, and although they have long lost their relevance, these words still hurt our mothers to tears.
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Yes, maybe mom doesn’t count calories and doesn’t know how to read the ingredients, but potato pancakes were always served for breakfast on Sundays. This is a mother's concern. Her expression of love.
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Don't like it - do it yourself. Silently.
My mother does not have a higher education, but thanks to her, who sat with me and my sister, my father has it, who has achieved a lot professionally.
For 65 years, she has accumulated such life experience that allows her to see people through, which in other situations is much more valuable than professional knowledge.
Photo source: inquisitr.com
A lonely old woman immediately appears, meeting New Year in an empty apartment, one on one with a served table.
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My "old lady" still has an old man. It’s more fun for them as a widow, but they still get offended when we don’t visit for a long time. Fortunately, with small grandchildren, this is not so easy to do.
Yes, many of the problems of adulthood come from childhood: self-doubt or resentment at everyone. But from there, the best in us - charisma, the ability to love, a favorite thing.
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And at the age of 25-30-35 we are already adult boys and girls in order to once and for all clear the Augean stables of grievances and claims and to be responsible for our words and deeds.
Do you know what is the most dangerous in this phrase? "I'll call back." How often do I forget to do this! Mom is waiting...
When I remember, I ask the children to call first: talking with grandchildren is always a joy for a grandmother.
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You can already talk with the older one, but you don’t even need to talk with the younger one, she herself will tell everything, interspersing the story with joyful “I want to visit you.”
As you get older and have your own children, you begin to accept your mother more. Her character and opinions, love and care for herself, the way she is.
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You distance yourself more and more, but at the same time you understand even more how easy it is to hurt a loving mother's soul.
What is your relationship with your parents like as an adult?
