“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, but I myself can still be said to be small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But they also read the section, I hope, also adults. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed ... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she is busy all the time: she either has a job, or business trips, or some gatherings with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved ... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I am always at her second plan.
From an early age I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. Also, you won't believe it! - rollerblading. We talked for hours on a variety of topics.
I never saw my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, make a career, disappear at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to make money. But… what about me? All I got was a call: “Did you do your homework? Did you go to music? Well, bye, kisses, I'll come late!
And then my grandmother passed away ... Everything remained the same with us. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen at the window late at night and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, about the brutal chemist, that Gerka from a parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurts because I became a girl ...
Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She's a very interesting person, modern, great photographs. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven with happiness - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatted about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on the fingers!
Of course, I'm not some kind of recluse, I have best friends, with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!
And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what a shame, she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically do not leave their room. They also have their own business on weekends. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do my homework, go to English courses. But for my mother, I am nobody. I am the kind of person to whom it is easy to say: "Dine and go to bed, we will come late ..."
Help me, please advise how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom? .. "
Anya, 14 years old
“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, but I myself can still be said to be small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But they also read the section, I hope, also adults. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed ... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she is busy all the time: she either has a job, or business trips, or some gatherings with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved ... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I am always at her second plan.
From an early age I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. Also, you won't believe it! - rollerblading. We talked for hours on a variety of topics.
I never saw my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, make a career, disappear at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to make money. But… what about me? All I got was a call: “Did you do your homework? Did you go to music? Well, bye, kisses, I'll come late!
And then my grandmother passed away ... Everything remained the same with us. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen at the window late at night and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, about the brutal chemist, that Gerka from a parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurts because I became a girl ...
Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She's a very interesting person, modern, great photographs. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven with happiness - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatted about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on the fingers!
Of course, I'm not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!
And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what a shame, she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically do not leave their room. They also have their own business on weekends. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do my homework, go to English courses. But for my mother, I am nobody. I am the kind of person to whom it is easy to say: "Dine and go to bed, we will come late ..."
Help me, please advise how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom? .. "
Anya, 14 years old
“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, but I myself can still be said to be small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But they also read the section, I hope, also adults. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed ... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she is busy all the time: she either has a job, or business trips, or some gatherings with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved ... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I am always at her second plan.
From an early age I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. Also, you won't believe it! - rollerblading. We talked for hours on a variety of topics.
I never saw my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, make a career, disappear at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to make money. But… what about me? All I got was a call: “Did you do your homework? Did you go to music? Well, bye, kisses, I'll come late!
And then my grandmother passed away ... Everything remained the same with us. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen at the window late at night and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, about the brutal chemist, that Gerka from a parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurts because I became a girl ...
Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She's a very interesting person, modern, great photographs. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven with happiness - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatted about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on the fingers!
Of course, I'm not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!
And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what a shame, she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically do not leave their room. They also have their own business on weekends. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do my homework, go to English courses. But for my mother, I am nobody. I am the kind of person to whom it is easy to say: "Dine and go to bed, we will come late ..."
Help me, please advise how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom? .. "
Anya, 14 years old
Hello! Please tell me what could be the reason why a person first of all pays attention to negative sides life? The fact is that my mother constantly complains to everyone about me, then about my dad (her husband), then about my MCH. Especially often my mother complains to my grandmother, her mother, and her friend. But the fact is that mother tells only one bad thing, mother does not tell about the good.
Especially often my mother complains about my MCH and his behavior. Of course, it is not perfect, for example, he often stays at our house for a long time, but not for the night. So, my mother told me after his visit: “Don’t you think that (name) has registered with us? We are not with him, but he will be registered with us.” The fact is that MCh suggested that my mother and I should register and live with him. “Come on, I’ll bring a man too! How will you feel after this?”
And then, after her friend asked “How are you?”, Mom began to talk about how bad she was. After some time, this same mother's friend began to scold me, why, they say, MCH behaves like this? She screamed at me loudly and for a long time. Mom, then said that, by and large, she was right, although this friend behaved rudely. But the problem is that my MCH offered to help us in business (and helped us), but my mother, for some reason, focused on the negative side of the relationship and complained about it, ignoring the good. Why is that?
When your mother complains to everyone she knows about you, then about your father, then about MCH, she takes the position of a suffering victim. In this role, “according to the scheme”, she should suffer, and the other person, in theory, should inflict this suffering on her. If it turns out that the other person did something good, showed kindness, then the whole scheme collapses.
The Karpman triangle scheme consists of three main roles: savior-victim-aggressor and two additional ones. We will not talk about additional roles now, so as not to be distracted from the main train of thought. If your mother plays out the Karpman triangle scheme from victim position, then she needs some justification for such a position. If you ignore the good, but concentrate on the bad, then her listeners (grandmother and friend) become understandable and close to her suffering. They may feel sorry for her or even try to intervene in her situation.
Thus, by denigrating you, your father and your MCH, your mother can fully play a manipulative psychological game based on the Karpman Triangle scheme as a victim.
The object of this game is to exchange intense negative strokes from stroke profile and save emotional distance. As racket feeling your mom will get a feeling of pity from her grandmother and girlfriend.
Please pay attention to the fact that your mother's friend violated the boundaries of your personality quite rudely when she began to scold you for the behavior of your MCH. This is possible not only because of rudeness and rudeness, but also because of scenario behavior (meaning the scenario of a loser of 1, 2, or 3 degrees).
The loser scenario is a professional psychotherapeutic term that reflects the habit of acting out unhealthy patterns in communication (the same Karpman triangle).
Maybe this behavior was aimed at playing the role of "savior" in relation to your mother. If your mom's friend and mom went through psychotherapy, they would gain knowledge on how to correct distortion in his ignore matrix and in his stroke profile. This would help them learn to communicate sincerely and kindly, without acting out. manipulative psychological games and without experiencing the notoriously formulaic racket feelings.
