Hello! Please tell me what could be the reason why a person first of all pays attention to negative sides life? The fact is that my mother constantly complains to everyone about me, then about my dad (her husband), then about my MCH. Especially often my mother complains to my grandmother, her mother, and her friend. But the fact is that mother tells only one bad thing, mother does not tell about the good.
Especially often my mother complains about my MCH and his behavior. Of course, it is not perfect, for example, he often stays at our house for a long time, but not for the night. So, my mother told me after his visit: “Don’t you think that (name) has registered with us? We are not with him, but he will be registered with us.” The fact is that MCh suggested that my mother and I should register and live with him. “Come on, I’ll bring a man too! How will you feel after this?”
And then, after her friend asked “How are you?”, Mom began to talk about how bad she was. After some time, this same mother's friend began to scold me, why, they say, MCH behaves like this? She screamed at me loudly and for a long time. Mom, then said that, by and large, she was right, although this friend behaved rudely. But the problem is that my MCH offered to help us in business (and helped us), but my mother, for some reason, focused on the negative side of the relationship and complained about it, ignoring the good. Why is that?
When your mother complains to everyone she knows about you, then about your father, then about MCH, she takes the position of a suffering victim. In this role, “according to the scheme”, she should suffer, and the other person, in theory, should inflict this suffering on her. If it turns out that the other person did something good, showed kindness, then the whole scheme collapses.
The Karpman triangle scheme consists of three main roles: savior-victim-aggressor and two additional ones. We will not talk about additional roles now, so as not to be distracted from the main train of thought. If your mother plays out the Karpman triangle scheme from victim position, then she needs some justification for such a position. If you ignore the good, but concentrate on the bad, then her listeners (grandmother and friend) become understandable and close to her suffering. They may feel sorry for her or even try to intervene in her situation.
Thus, by denigrating you, your father and your MCH, your mother can fully play a manipulative psychological game based on the Karpman Triangle scheme as a victim.
The object of this game is to exchange intense negative strokes from stroke profile and save emotional distance. As racket feeling your mom will get a feeling of pity from her grandmother and girlfriend.
Please pay attention to the fact that your mother's friend violated the boundaries of your personality quite rudely when she began to scold you for the behavior of your MCH. This is possible not only because of rudeness and rudeness, but also because of scenario behavior (meaning the scenario of a loser of 1, 2, or 3 degrees).
The loser scenario is a professional psychotherapeutic term that reflects the habit of acting out unhealthy patterns in communication (the same Karpman triangle).
Maybe this behavior was aimed at playing the role of "savior" in relation to your mother. If your mom's friend and mom went through psychotherapy, they would gain knowledge on how to correct distortion in his ignore matrix and in his stroke profile. This would help them learn to communicate sincerely and kindly, without acting out. manipulative psychological games and without experiencing the notoriously formulaic racket feelings.
Often, family relationships cease to seem prosperous, and gradually life turns into a war zone. Often conflict arises between the child and the parents. The son hates the mother, or the daughter - a similar situation can appear in almost any home. And quite often it is not accompanied by serious quarrels. She appears for no apparent reason, just from scratch. But reverse situations are also possible when a child grows up in unfavorable conditions and is constantly attacked by adults.
Regardless of living conditions, parents, to whom angry phrases about hatred are directed, experience far from the most rosy emotions. After all, adults usually not only repeat, but also believe that they live for the sake of children. In their opinion, they do not deserve such treatment. Or did they deserve it? Why do children hate their mother? There are a variety of reasons. And some of them will be described in the review.
This kind of behavior on the part of teenagers is scary. And what is even worse, often children not only utter such a phrase, but also believe in it. Yes, and then they begin to act as if they sincerely hate. At the same time, family relations can be quite peaceful, normal, when parents are completely sane and try to find with their children.
A mother hates her daughter (or son) - this is familiar to many. Usually, such a situation is attributed to the difficulties that are characteristic of the transitional age, when a teenager begins to grow up, tries to find his place, to understand existence. At the same time, the conclusions of the child usually do not coincide with the opinion of the older generation, which causes misunderstanding, and then conflicts appear.
In some situations, the transitional age passes smoothly. However, situations where life turns into a nightmare also occur quite often. What are the reasons for such behavior of a teenager?
The above reasons are the most striking. They demonstrate that not everything is as smooth as we would like in the family. Children feel these situations on a subconscious level, which is why they begin to utter phrases such as “I hate my mother.”
However, problems can be solved by correcting the situation. But this should be wanted first of all by one of the adults. It is enough just to accept that troubles still take place, and find an experienced specialist who is able to normalize relations in the family.
Problems can arise without any reason. For example, the situation in the family is normal, but the teenager still vents anger. What causes such situations? Never forget that a child's behavior is just a symptom. It signals that there is some kind of problem even if at first glance everything is fine.
In such situation psychological help needed primarily by the parents, not the child. Only a specialist will be able to find problems and eliminate them painlessly for all family members. Otherwise, the child will simply lead to a nervous breakdown.
There is a possibility that certain parenting mistakes can lead to the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Naturally, there are quite a lot of them, it is not worth listing them all. However, most mistakes quite often come down to an excessive number of restrictions, various prohibitions on the part of the older generation.
Perhaps the parents painted the life of their children by the minute, not allowing them to deviate from the planned plan. At the same time, they think that they are doing the right thing, bringing only benefit. However, teenagers begin to feel that they are trapped, they no longer have enough freedom. They can break down, come to terms with such a circumstance, accept the rules of the game, or they can show aggression.
It should also be noted that the reaction to prohibitions may not appear immediately, but it will definitely manifest itself when anger accumulates and forces appear that are enough to resist parents. And then the question will begin to arise why an adult son hates his mother. Or the daughter will not have the best feelings for her parents when she grows up.
A daughter or son hates their mother... Such a situation can be the result of overprotection. How to communicate with children so that there is neither excessive guardianship nor permissiveness? First, it is worth talking about why many parents seek to patronize their child.
First, there may be beliefs that upbringing should be strict. Otherwise, the child will simply slide down the slope. And the higher the manifestation of severity, the stronger the love from the parents. And this means that the child will be happy. But this point of view rarely leads to positive results.
Secondly, parents may be afraid that their children will definitely make a lot of mistakes. A similar reason resembles the first, but less global. If in the first case, parents are afraid of the unfortunate fate of a teenager, then in the second they are simply worried that he would not catch a cold or get a deuce.
Third, parents may stop feeling needed if they stop controlling their children. And if the child is independent, then it turns out that they live in vain? But, again, this view is wrong.
Mother hates daughter? Psychology admits that one of the above reasons is to blame, which is not able to establish a good atmosphere in the family. But it may well lead to even more serious conflicts. It is necessary to figure out how to be in such situations, how to behave.
Son hates mother? Psychology admits that the reason for this is the desire to “be needed” by your child. Such a desire signals that there is a complex of lack of demand, and most importantly, dislike for oneself for this on the part of parents.
In such a situation, thoughts begin to appear that if no one needs me, then I exist in vain. Instead of rejoicing in the success, independence of their children, parents begin to take offense and form more and more new prohibitions. It is because of this that conflicts often arise.
Many parents believe that if they do not control their child, then he will definitely begin to make mistakes. On the one hand, this point of view is absolutely correct. However, it should be understood that the child will make them anyway. Otherwise it is impossible. To learn not to do stupid things, a teenager must first do them and be dissatisfied with the results.
Teenager hates mother? To avoid such situations, we must immediately figure out where bans are needed and where not. For example, you can allow experimentation with cooking if there is nothing poisonous in the kitchen. You can also fix your bike. But you should not mess with the outlet, it's dangerous.
You need to understand that you can achieve something worthwhile only on your own experience. And for a child to acquire it, parents should not constantly interfere with advice and recommendations. It is enough to simply determine what is dangerous and what is not. And if in the first case control is necessary, then the child is able to figure it out on his own with the second.
Where do the fears arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fear are usually the same for all parents. If there is a girl in the family, then early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution await her ahead. The boy will definitely get into crime, will constantly fight and will also take drugs.
In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help to avoid such fates. It cannot be answered unambiguously. In some situations, this saves, while in others, on the contrary, it pushes to everything bad. No wonder they say that
Overprotection can cause another serious danger. The child will simply get used to being controlled, constantly pulled and forbidden. Over time, he will stop paying attention to the words of his parents. Accordingly, this will lead to the fact that he will begin to violate everything that is possible, without particularly understanding the situation. And in this he will be guided by two principles. Either parents will intervene and protect, save from problems, or they will punish anyway, so why not do it.
In such a situation, he will follow instructions from his parents exactly the opposite. For example, if he was told that he could not walk without a scarf in winter, he would definitely try to go outside without it. And if he doesn’t get sick, and there won’t be any problems because of this, then other parental prohibitions don’t make any sense.
It may seem that an undressed scarf and drugs are too far apart things. But in the child's psyche, they stand side by side with each other, since, according to parental rules, almost everything is prohibited. Accordingly, in such a situation, reasonable boundaries cease to be developed. And that's why you want to break the bans so much.
What if the daughter hates the mother? Or maybe the son has negative feelings towards his parents? Outbreaks of aggression can also manifest themselves from scratch, when prohibitions with restrictions are reasonable and few in number, and peace and order reign in the family. Such situations are rare, but they do happen.
It must be understood that the child will sooner or later enter the big world and try to take a certain place in it in order to avoid encountering difficulties. After all, problems with peers can be quite painful.
In such a situation, children will begin to take out their anger on their parents, since it is impossible to conflict with classmates, you can run into even bigger problems. And parents obviously will not answer the same. A loving mothers and are not at all capable of displaying negative emotions towards their children. Such situations are insulting, wrong, but it happens.
However, to say that parents are completely innocent in such situations is not worth it. First, the child subconsciously understands that the cause of many problems in relationships with classmates is the result of upbringing. And secondly, allowing rudeness towards yourself, you can one day hear the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Such situations are paradoxical, but they happen.
In families where it is customary to treat each other with respect, there are usually no reasons for such phrases. Often this happens only if the mother initially put herself in the position of a “servant”.
I hate my mother, what should I do? To cope with such a manifestation of aggression, it is necessary to change the position. But this is not so easy, as it requires working on yourself, revising the principles and your own behavior. Moreover, both adults and children will have to change.
On the other hand, children's emotions need an outlet. Therefore, it is not recommended to attach great importance to negative manifestations. But this is allowed only if there is an opportunity to talk, discuss what happened, learn about the true reasons. This situation is ideal, because both parents will calm down, and the child is aware of his feelings.
What if the child hates the mother? Regardless of the difference in character, bad relationship, it is almost impossible to stop loving mom. However, due to conflicts and constant quarrels, life turns into a nightmare. For this reason, we must try to find a way out of the situation.
Most importantly, do not forget that the mother will not hurt, spoil life on purpose, just because she wants it. She just thinks that all her actions are beneficial, and in the future you will thank her for this.
Below are some tips that will help you deal with the situation that has arisen and resolve the conflict.
Firstly, you can’t always command your children, constantly demand something from them, psychologically put pressure on them. It is best to try to find a compromise, to agree with each other, to carefully listen to the opinion of the child. Naturally, he will agree with your point of view, but all the same, he will hold a grudge inside, which will definitely make itself felt later.
Secondly, do not forget that children have their own lives. She needs to be interested. Do not avoid communication with the child, learn about his experiences and help with advice. There should be no ridicule, even if the problems seem banal and stupid. For children, all their troubles look global, crisis. Therefore, they need help and support. And if all this does not happen, then they will not experience positive emotions for their parents.
Thirdly, you need to try to find mutual language with a child, become a friend for him, accepting all the shortcomings and virtues. Parents just need to feel in the body of a teenager. Feeling all the grievances experienced, overestimating difficult situations, you can form a wonderful relationship. But do not forget that it is necessary to work constantly to maintain relationships.
Mother hate daughter or son? Do not treat such an event as a tragedy. This is just an indicator that there are problems in the relationship, and they need to be dealt with, to look for a way out of the situation.
Remember that there are two installations - for children and for adults. In the first case, parents are frightened and offended. And this only exacerbates the situation. In the second case, parents try to deal with the problem. Which setup is right for you? But we can say with confidence that if the problem is not solved, then more than once you will have to hear the phrase: “I hate my own mother!”
“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, but I myself can still be said to be small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But they also read the section, I hope, also adults. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed ... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she is busy all the time: she either has a job, or business trips, or some gatherings with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved ... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I am always at her second plan.
From an early age I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. Also, you won't believe it! - rollerblading. We talked for hours on a variety of topics.
I never saw my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, make a career, disappear at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to make money. But… what about me? All I got was a call: “Did you do your homework? Did you go to music? Well, bye, kisses, I'll come late!
And then my grandmother passed away ... Everything remained the same with us. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen at the window late at night and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, about the brutal chemist, that Gerka from a parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurts because I became a girl ...
Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She's a very interesting person, modern, great photographs. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven with happiness - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatted about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on the fingers!
Of course, I'm not some kind of recluse, I have best friends, with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!
And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what a shame, she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically do not leave their room. They also have their own business on weekends. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do my homework, go to English courses. But for my mother, I am nobody. I am the kind of person to whom it is easy to say: "Dine and go to bed, we will come late ..."
Help me, please advise how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom? .. "
Anya, 14 years old
“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, but I myself can still be said to be small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But they also read the section, I hope, also adults. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed ... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she is busy all the time: she either has a job, or business trips, or some gatherings with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved ... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I am always at her second plan.
From an early age I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. Also, you won't believe it! - rollerblading. We talked for hours on a variety of topics.
I never saw my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, make a career, disappear at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to make money. But… what about me? All I got was a call: “Did you do your homework? Did you go to music? Well, bye, kisses, I'll come late!
And then my grandmother passed away ... Everything remained the same with us. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen at the window late at night and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, about the brutal chemist, that Gerka from a parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurts because I became a girl ...
Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She's a very interesting person, modern, great photographs. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven with happiness - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatted about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on the fingers!
Of course, I'm not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!
And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what a shame, she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically do not leave their room. They also have their own business on weekends. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do my homework, go to English courses. But for my mother, I am nobody. I am the kind of person to whom it is easy to say: "Dine and go to bed, we will come late ..."
Help me, please advise how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom? .. "
Anya, 14 years old
