Miracle Center - Women's Portal

In a way, you are lucky. If the son agreed with the unspoken idea that he should love his sister, that feelings of anger and annoyance towards her are unacceptable, then he would direct the fury with which he offends the baby nowyourself, and probablywould get your attention diseases, injuries, harbored some unresolved grievances that provoke psychosomatic symptoms in future. Any behavior ismessage. Agressthis one addressed to her sister is a message that is difficult to avoid receiving.

The truth is, a son doesn't have to love your daughter. And you don't have to be happy that you have it. Moreover, he has the right to be angry at you and at her for being the youngestrequires parental careand attention. He was your only son and you are his only mother. INto the logic of a boy, you got another child because something didn’t please you with the previous one.

You are an adult and are able to contain in your heart the love of many people, you know how to deftly take care of many. Son - Small child, and for him such tasks are new and present a serious challenge. And how can he solve them when he is frightened by the loss of you?

Before you start drowning in guilt, remember that you are an adult and care for several children.because you want it, and becausethat you have something to give them. You decide how many of them you will have, and you protect each of them from any danger, including each other.

It seems to me that the first step towards resolving the situation should be the recognition of the son's right to all feelings and desires that he experiences, including socially disapproved,unpleasant and inconsistentwith your expectations.

But emotions and behavior are not the same. You will have to bring the boy back to the idea over and over again that you understand how angry / upset / scared he is, but you cannot allow him to harm yourself or the baby. Just as you can't let her hurt him.

Perhaps it makes sense to introduce a temporary requirement not to approach at allto the youngest: “You are angry with your sister(voice the feeling that, as you understood from the previous experience of naming the states of the boy, fits better) and often offend her. I want us all to get some rest. Notcome close to your sister. You can play with her later if you want."

It is important that interventions to curb specific behavior do not mean, in fact, deprivation of attention and contact. Just to drive away the son because he is torturing the baby means to aggravate the situation.

You just need to separate the children in space, but give something to both. Experiment with elements of massage and in general variations on the theme of touching, hugging, active games and the like. When the little one needs to be taken care of, you often do not have the opportunity to take care of the older one. Your task is to saturate the boy with contact vprock when there is a minute for it, and then it will be easier for him to meet you halfway and survive the moments when you need to focus on the youngest.

On the other hand, develop the practice of "verbal interventions". You can take care of the baby and say that you see your son. “I'm busy right now, you can draw, wash your dishes or play with the designer. What will you choose?"

When the boy has started to do things on his own and does not distract you, do not leave the positive behavior unattended, describe it from time to time:

"Wow, I see you draw great lines: they are long and bright."

“Look how much foam you have on your sponge. I wonder if you can lather a plate as hard as your hands?

"Your tower is very tall and level."

You can show that you see emotions and appreciate howhe copes with them and how he behaves when he manages to behave well:“I noticed that oh you miss me. Come on, I'll change the baby and we'll choose a book for you together. You can sit and wait for me(if the boy chose this, indicate that you are happy with how you endure Livo man sits and waits) or play with cars(show interest: "You are inchose red. How fast does it go / how high did it climb into the garage“) » And the like without end and edge.

Not only a description of feelings, but also a statement of what a boy busy, p show that you notice him, that you are to some extent with him even thenyes, when you do your own with it. Happenthat brings relief to a person when someone is grieving or angry with him.

If the son whines or is indignant that you are again “tinkering with this instead of him,” maybe whimpering or growling together is better than a thousand words? The secret of the operation is sincerity. You look at the situation differently and more broadly, but some part of you must truly share what is overwhelming the baby, otherwise, instead of empathy, ridicule will turn out.

Seek out and help your son see the benefits of being an adult. Not speculative, but very specificand really valuable to him. Him atbut something is allowed that is forbidden to the youngest, he has access to something exciting, but she does not. He must have personal space and the inviolability of personal things.

Look for reasons to show that the rules are the same for everyone, and from inappropriate actions small you will protect him with the same force and firmness that you protect her from him.

Of course, any correspondence advice is exploratory in nature. As the saying goes, "there are contraindications, you need to consult a specialist."

If you feel that you cannot find the right line of conduct and simple self-information does not help, face-to-face consultation will help you choose the techniques and approaches that are necessary in your situation and hone the technique of their implementation. I sincerely wish you success in solving your difficult task!

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My younger brother does not obey me, I am 17 years old and he is 15, he is too proud, in addition he is taller than me and he thinks that he is stronger, but here he is very mistaken. Since childhood, my parents did not allow me to touch him, since childhood I have never scolded or beat him, in a word, I was not an authority for him because he is not afraid of me and does not respect and is insolent in front of his parents, and his parents do not say anything and they let me take care of education . And my mother still does not allow him to be beaten, and even when we cursed, her pressure rose. But just yesterday we did together hard work and my mother wanted to help, I didn’t want her to lift weights and stand next to me, and at that moment my friends called me, but they were in no hurry, the younger brother began to show that he was strong himself, but just in case, he sat 3 times said that he would do it himself, but I said I’ll sit and for the fourth time, he said so that I should leave the kagbutto, I am his younger brother, this made me angry and I rudely replied that I did not help him for the most part, he himself could and he started yelling at me in front of my mother and acquaintances, I was very ashamed that he yelled at me , and I said that I wanted to talk to him, and he took it as a threat and began to climb up to my mother in front of my mother, I kept silent for love and respect for my mother, but when my mother came home and we remained on the street alone, I told him when my mother would leave we’ll talk with you, and he immediately began to push and said what are you going to do to me, and he literally created an atmosphere for a fight, and I hit him on the nose, I thought he would understand that I needed to observe subordination, I didn’t know what else to do since he didn’t want to listen to me to push and push, in general, I thought he would understand because I didn’t beat him because I loved him and, as I used to say, my parents were always on his side. When I hit him on the nose with half the strength, he gave me a change, when my mother heard, she ran out and he told everything, only he didn’t say that he pushed me and it turned out that I was to blame. when I got out, I would show him where the crayfish hibernate, now we are in a strained relationship. I would forgive him, but the fact that he raised his hand does not give me rest. and when he talks to his parents, he always says the word pereger and I never do that. In general, he no longer feels fear of him and the front room, what should I do? I still can’t forgive the fact that he raised his hand to me, if I leave it like that, he can raise it to my parents, but this cannot be allowed.

Psychologists Answers

Hello Yunus!

It is a pity that you and your brother have developed such complicated relationship. But I'm glad that you approach this problem in an adult way.

Brother, when he grows up, he will appreciate and understand a lot, but now you will have to be patient and find an approach to it. I do not recommend physically touching, as this can develop into a habit. Try to win his respect with words and actions. That is, to be a real example for him in everything. In his heart, he really wants to respect and be proud of you. His childhood rivalry will pass, and you need to be patient. You can warn him in a serious tone that he will not “get away with” his some undesirable behavior towards you or his parents, but the punishment should not be physical, but moral. And it is no less effective.

When addressing him, talk about the feelings you are experiencing. For example "" When you are rude to your father, I angry at you and I want to tell you..."" Do not command him, praise him even small achievements. And at this moment also talk about your feelings "" today when I heard that you ...., I was so happy (I was so proud that you did it)

Whether you become friends or not is half up to you and half up to him. Make your half, and he will definitely respond. Because you have the same blood. And this is a lot.

Sincerely, Kalamkas Kanapieva, psychologist in Astana. In person and Skype.

Hello Yunus! Parents always protect younger children from older ones, since those, in the opinion of parents, are small. Your mom's mistake is that she does not understand the situation and does not talk to her brother about his behavior. Try to "boycott" your little brother and don't talk to him, when he wants to communicate with you, talk to him - why are you doing this, that he brings you grief. When you talk heart to heart with people, they still begin to understand this. When you were little, your parents also protected you. Now he is protected, and you are considered more mature.

All the best!

Chernysh Nadezhda Nikolaevna, psychologist in Almaty

A sibling can be your close friend for life, but there are sure to be times when you don't get along. It is important to approach the problem calmly and carefully. You should not stoop to the level of your younger brother, otherwise you will only add fuel to the fire. Learn how to behave with your brother so that you always find mutual language and develop strong relationships.

Steps

Part 1

Better to ignore than react. If a brother is misbehaving, then try ignoring him for a while. Such a strategy is not suitable for long-term relationships with relatives, but in the short term it helps to avoid an outburst of anger.

• Ignoring is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, such an act will require more strength and will, since it is always easier to break loose and succumb to provocations.
• Make informed decisions. There is no point in trying to explain something to your brother every time he gets on your nerves, especially if he is not ready for dialogue.
• If the brother does not get the desired reaction (upset or irritation), he will quickly get tired and stop making you angry.

1. React in a calm manner. If your brother is bothering you, you often want to be rude or respond in a similar manner. It is important to understand that such a reaction will only aggravate the situation. Every time anger boils inside you, remind yourself that being calm and collected is a more effective way to discourage your brother from annoying you.

   Find compromises. Try to use every opportunity to agree on a peaceful solution to the problem. Sometimes this requires making certain compromises, or even temporarily putting the brother's desires ahead of your own needs. The main thing is that you manage to defuse the situation and prevent new conflicts.

   • Ask your brother directly what he wants from you.
   • The brother will know that he has been heard if you paraphrase his words. For example, say, "I seem to understand you. You seem to ____ when I _____. Is that the problem?"
   • Try to find a mutually beneficial solution. Listen to your brother, express your point of view and try to come to a compromise.
   • People don't always get what they want. Your goal is to find a solution that satisfies both you and your brother to some extent, even if you would prefer a different outcome.

2. Pay attention to your brother. Boredom is a common cause of annoying behavior. Perhaps the brother is bored or wants to get your attention. Instead of a negative reaction in the form of a fight or annoyance, try doing something fun and exciting together.

   • This approach will help your brother quickly forget about bad behavior, and a common cause will strengthen the bond between you.
   • Go for a walk or bike ride (with parental permission if you are underage). You can also stay at home and watch a movie, do a puzzle, or play video games (although games are also often the cause of fights).

3. Do not take your brother's insults and attacks to heart. Sometimes it is very difficult not to take such words personally, but one way or another, he is still your brother who loves you. Show that you are offended and try to find a solution, but do not take insults and attacks to heart.

   • It is very likely that the brother does not want to offend you at all. Some people (especially children) just don't know how to behave differently.
   • In an hour, he will already forget about what he said to you, so do not waste time on resentment.
   • If a brother realizes that he upset you, then he will feel his power over you and will probably continue to behave in this way.

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Hello, I want to tell you about my brother. He is 11 years younger than me (I'm 18). He is very stubborn, mischievous, naughty, loves to be a leader. His parents gave birth to him in old age ... although as in old age. they are not old, but more sentimental and malleable with age. Satisfy his every demand. Pamper the little one. When he was 4 years old, I had to give him a computer at the insistence of his parents, because he whines around them until he gets his way. My brother whined: “buy me a tablet,” they say everyone supposedly has it, but he doesn’t. I said that he was not yet in the mind of such things, but no one listened to me as always. He does not have such concepts as the fact that money is earned with great difficulty, and things should be treated more carefully. Therefore, when his tablet is discharged, he thinks that he has the right to freak out and throw it, when something does not work in the game on the computer, he starts to throw the mouse, beat the monitor and squeak. My dad is very calm and not very sociable, he is at home in a month, because. works on shifts.

I don’t know why, but my brother is afraid of him, although dad rarely raises his voice at him and has never raised his hand. But he doesn't care about his mother at all. She does not refuse him anything, but she often yells and sometimes prescribes noble people for him. Three minutes later, as he received well-deserved podzhopnikov, she goes to feel sorry for him, and everything repeated. And now he is not even afraid of swearing at her. She told him the word, he told her 3 across. Maybe the first one to start talking to her in raised tones. By the way, such garbage didn’t work with me, my punishments were longer-term, but my mother interrupted them, and it flew into me because I limited his poor access to the computer because he got into a fight or for cursing. By the way, it flew into my head with him, so I’m not in his authority even more than my mother. He can fuck me and call me a bitch. Periodically says that he will kill me. Today he even swung at me with a knife. Once he locked me in a greenhouse and said that I was born in vain and would die of hunger there. When my mother asks me if I want to get married, have a family, have children, etc., I answer "no". I do not need all this "good". If I have the same child, I will give him to an orphanage. It's better not to have a baby at all. When I answer the same questions to my grandmother, the remark follows: "What are you, you are a girl, you are a mother, you must give birth." To which I answer that this is my life and I myself have the right to decide what to do with it. And many in Russia are of the opinion that every woman should have almost 5 children, and if you don’t want, then something is wrong with your head. Infuriates our stereotypical society. The question is. Will my brother grow up to be a maniac, or will he have concepts with age? Maybe he's sick because of the games and videos he watches? What to do? I somehow don’t give a damn what will grow out of it, I still don’t intend to get involved in my future life. And I feel sorry for the parents.

How wonderful it is when a second, and possibly a third child appears in the family. Parents rejoice, and sincerely believe that over time their children will become best friends because it is blood. But the truth is that a common language is not always found. Today we will talk about a situation where the relationship between brother and sister can hardly be called friendship. But, fortunately, there are ways to solve it, and we will talk about them.

We are a team?

It is impossible to force love and friendship. Yes, and it is not necessary. The main task of parents in this case is to get to know each other better. Indeed, often the problem of brother-sister relationships can be very acute. What reasons can lead to this?

• Jealousy. This is one of the most frequent factors that cause discontent and conflicts. Everyone is trying to draw attention to themselves and keep it as long as possible, believing that they deserve it.

The most pronounced problem may be in those whose age difference is from 3 to 10 years (usually the weather is more friendly).

• Selfishness. Each child has his own world, with his own interests, hobbies, rules. And it can be quite difficult to calmly admit the existence of another such world, constantly nearby. From a psychological point of view, this is normal. Main question how parents behave. Indeed, sometimes, with the advent of the youngest, mom and dad stop paying enough attention to the elder, believing that he is already an adult, he does not need it. Thus provoking an increase in selfishness.
• Different interests. Girls and boys are different universes. And if no efforts are made to find common activities, then separation is inevitable. After all, boys, as a rule, try to copy the behavior of dads, and girls, respectively, mothers, thus moving away from each other.
• Unfair attitude. Everyone knows the situation about “favorites”, when a child deprived of attention begins to see a competitor in his brother or sister. This is how the first aggression and hatred appear even at a very young age.
• The same attitude towards children. It would seem that everyone knows that you need to love children equally. But psychologists say that you need to love equally strongly, but you need to show these feelings in different ways, based on the individual characteristics of each child. It is wrong to constantly try to make children be friends and love each other, relying on the phrase "you are brother and sister."

How to act?

If quarrels between siblings are short-lived, and after them the children quickly reconcile, you don’t have to worry. This is a time of getting used to and grinding to each other. All this helps to get to know each other better and build strong, trusting relationships in the future.

But if conflicts happen very often, and after them the tension persists for a long time, then you cannot do without the help of adults.

What to do if relatives by blood are not at all kindred in spirit?

• To each his own. If it is possible to provide children with separate rooms, that's great, so everyone will have their own personal territory, where they can retire if necessary. If this is not possible, then in the common room there must be two corners - albeit small, but their own.
• Older, younger. If the eldest girl in the family, parents should offer her to take care of the baby little by little. But it’s completely wrong to make a “nanny” out of her. If the child shows interest in the younger, he should be encouraged, if not, try to arouse this interest little by little. Girls, as a rule, love to take care of the baby, because they perceive him as a living doll.

And if the eldest boy in the family, then he should be involved in common activities with his sister during educational games. Because the boys perceive the younger ones as a playmate. Do not forget to say that when the baby grows up, it will be possible to fully play with her.

• Same punishment and reward. Quarreled? This means that both should be punished equally, regardless of who is right and who is wrong. Have you fulfilled all your requests? Great, buy the same sweets or toys so no one feels left out. The first time will be great if the toys are universal, without gender.
• General games. Of course, everyone has their own hobbies. But the task of parents is to find several options for games that will be interesting to play with the whole family, without dividing into teams.
• Find a way to get rid of anger. Agree that in case of a quarrel, you can only be offended for a few minutes, and then, for example, arrange a pillow fight. This will help to throw out negative emotions and after such a discharge it will be much easier to make peace.

Children will show interest in each other when they do not feel slighted and less loved. To do this, you need to find an approach to each of them, and do not forget that it is impossible to force them to be a support for each other. This is the result of right relationships in the family. And let our advice help build them.