In recent years, the problem of difficult children has been growing in our country more and more, and what is even more sad - the percentage of child crime is increasing. Many modern children, having forgotten the commandments of God, not only do not obey and are rude to adults, they swear, smoke and drink. It is not uncommon to find unprecedented cruelty and malice among children, which lead to more terrible consequences - fights, robberies and even murders. What are the reasons for such aggression? Where does it come from in the once pure soul of a child? And where to look for a solution to this sore problem? The book, which was published by the publishing house of the Moscow Patriarchate and is called “Children Should Not Be Lost: From the Experience of Working with Difficult Children,” is called upon to answer these and other questions.
The author of this book is Nadezhda Afanasievna Drobyshevskaya, a psychotherapist, an expert on problems family education, Member of the Republican Public Council on Morality. Based on many years of experience working with difficult children, the author analyzes various aspects of the problems of social orphanhood, family problems and juvenile delinquency. According to Nadezhda Afanasievna, one of the main causes of juvenile delinquency is defects in family education. “What a family - such children,” the teenagers themselves say. In this regard, the question arises: why is there no proper upbringing in the family, and why do dads and moms not even know about it?
As it turned out, - says the author, they themselves know little about education. For example, an insufficient understanding of the goals, objectives and methods of education, the absence of uniform requirements was recognized by 62 percent of the parents surveyed. And here typical mistakes, to which they pointed out: "blind, unreasonable love for a child"; “unjustified idealization (“my child is the best”); “excessive severity, authoritarianism, gross manifestations of parental authority, the use of physical punishment”; "undemanding in relation to children"; “shifting the care of education to the kindergarten, school”; “lack of tact in relations with the child”; "quarrels of parents in the presence of children"; "immoderate satisfaction of their material needs" and so on.
It turns out, the author notes, that the parents themselves create problems, and then commissions, inspections, special schools, psychiatric hospitals, and courts follow. The author asks the following questions: “Why, in reality, is so little done to solve the problem of juvenile delinquency? Where did it all start? To understand the process of neglect of family education, Nadezhda Afanasievna suggests turning to our history. Previously, children were brought up “according to conscience”, “in truth”, “according to God”. The child's right to moral education was considered natural, self-evident. Violation of this right caused a storm of indignation in society, condemnation according to human law, but the law of God was the main thing.
The Bible says: "Teach your son and work on him, so that you do not have grief from his obscene deeds" (Sir. 30, 13). People were afraid of God, they were afraid of punishment for their negligent attitude to raising children. The very concept of "antisocial behavior" did not exist then. And why did teenagers have to behave badly, asocially, immorally, but if they received a Christian upbringing, which was a strong core for them, gave moral immunity, thanks to which they coped with life's problems and temptations? Immoral, antisocial behavior became characteristic of children after 1917, when life without God was proclaimed.
But what you sow is what you reap. The destruction of the family began. Very quickly, adolescents with the most pronounced signs of antisocial behavior began to fill the children's departments of psychiatric hospitals. Commissions for juvenile affairs were created. In Russia in 1933, for the first time in world medical practice, the diagnosis of "pathocharacterological personality formation" appeared. It meant bad behavior: "lies, steals, smokes, disobeys..." Time passed. Approaches to solving this problem have changed, but doctors have not found a way to treat the antisocial behavior of adolescents. According to the author, today we must realize the causes of the plight in which modern children are. Finally, to admit that the revival of family spiritual and moral values is impossible without the participation and help of the Church!
As the author notes, meeting with "difficult" children who commit offenses and cause great problems to society, she clearly sees the obvious unsuitability of existing psycho-therapeutic methods. Wishing to help such children survive, not to lose hope in a hopeless situation, to grow up as worthy people, Nadezhda Afanasyevna began to think seriously about this problem. For five years of work in the Republican Clinical Psychiatric Hospital and the same in the regional commission on juvenile affairs, she never had to hear a complaint from children about the material difficulties of the family, even when this took place. Behavioral problems of adolescents are associated, as they believe, most often with intra-family conflicts, with the inability and unwillingness of parents to live in peace and harmony, to educate them.
This conclusion is made by children, based on their bleak life experience. They unmistakably point out the reasons. This is also confirmed by scientists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, as well as the Center for Sociological and Political Research of the Belarusian State University. As the author writes, children need their parents to teach them to understand why a person comes into this world, what is his purpose, what is the meaning of life. Children want to be taught how to communicate peacefully. They experience an acute shortage of proper communication with adults, so they want their parents to notice not only their physical presence.
Children want adults not only to say: “You can’t lie, steal, smoke, swear, debauchery, kill,” but also explain why. Children want their parents and other adults to show them good examples, not bad ones. They want to know the rules by which to live in order to be happy themselves and to make others happy. They want real parents. Children want to be loved. It is not so much the children who are to blame for their terrible life, says Drobyshevskaya, but their parents, who do not pay them attention, care and love.
This book contains cases from the lives of children, thoughts and words of teenagers themselves about what a real family should be like. Nadezhda Afanasievna considers the problems posed, both from the side of the children themselves, and from the side of parents and the state. Such a subtle psychological study makes it possible to better understand the grief that the vulnerable child's psyche faces, and at the same time realize the importance of cooperation with the Church for the salvation of the child's soul.
On April 10, 2014, Nadezhda Afanasievna Drobyshevskaya, a psychotherapist, an expert on family education, passed away to the Lord.
Nadezhda Afanasievna was known to the public as the author of the documentary books Children's Truth and Children Should Not Be Lost.
The first book about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who ended up there for antisocial behavior was published in 2003 by the Publishing House of the Belarusian Exarchate with the blessing of Metropolitan Filaret of Minsk and Slutsk. The second book, dedicated to the analysis of social orphanhood, family troubles and juvenile crime, was released in 2013 by the Moscow Patriarchate Publishing House with the blessing of His Holiness Patriarch Kirill of Moscow and All Rus'.
Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya graduated from Vitebsk Medical University in 1971. She worked as an obstetrician-gynecologist, then continued her education at the Department of Psychiatry of the Moscow Institute for Postgraduate Medical Education. While working in the sanatorium of the Central Committee of the Party in the Crimea, she received a Gospel as a gift from one of the employees of the Central Committee of the CPSU. This event became for her one of the first steps towards Orthodoxy.
As a child psychotherapist, Nadezhda Afanasievna worked for 6 years at the Republican Psychiatric Hospital (Minsk). She advocated a revision of the existing system of hospitalization of difficult children. “Children need psychiatrists to first of all show their moral responsibility for them,” she emphasized. - When a child loses his mother forever, and she is alive and in the same city, and sometimes even sober, and the child does not stop hoping that maybe his mother will take him from the boarding school, and my teenager writes to such a mother: “Dear mother . This is Dima writing to you. I miss you. Come visit me sometime. Mom, I cry every day. Because you won't come to me." Dima wrote a note, but there is nowhere to send it. And no one goes to him and does not go. His condition is deteriorating. And instead of his mother, we give him chlorpromazine!”
After the publication of the book "Children's Truth", Nadezhda Afanasyevna was invited by the governor of the Minsk region to work in the regional commission for minors. In this position, she worked to solve the problems of family troubles and antisocial behavior of minors, as well as to restore spiritual and moral education in the family and school. Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya actively communicated with teachers, parents, students, officials. She conducted her work with the support and participation of the clergy of the Belarusian Orthodox Church.
After retiring, Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya continued to travel to seminars and conferences, to hold meetings with children and parents. She spoke on Belarusian and Russian television on the topic of juvenile justice and other topical issues.
Having already fallen ill with an incurable disease, Nadezhda Afanasyevna did not leave thoughts about writing another book - “We have no time”. “Not only do we not know how to communicate, but parents and teachers still have no time. Teachers have no time because they have other goals and tasks for which they are asked. The police, by the way, also have no time. Enthusiasts - units among all categories. And happy are those children who will meet such people. But there are more of those to whom exclusively repressive measures are applied,” she said in one of her last interviews.
The works of Nadezhda Afanasievna Drobyshevskaya are a great contribution to Russian pedagogy, psychology, and psychiatry. Church.by
2202 01.06.2007
We have the most urgent problem - the restoration of the process of moral and spiritual education of children. Previously, this was the prerogative of the Church. But since the Church was excluded from this process in the 20th century, it was left to chance. Even in the Code of Marriage and Family, it was written that education is socially useful work. That is, the child was brought up by society, brought up by everyone - which means no one
Nadezhda Afanasyevna DROBYSHEVSKAYA graduated from the Vitebsk Medical University in 1971. She worked as an obstetrician-gynecologist, then took up psychotherapy, studied at the Department of Psychiatry at the Moscow Institute for the Improvement of Doctors. She worked in the sanatorium of the Central Committee of the Party in the Crimea (4th Department), where in 1975 one employee of the Central Committee of the CPSU presented her with the Gospel, which was one of the first steps for her towards Orthodoxy.
As a child psychotherapist, she worked for 6 years in the Republican Psychiatric Hospital (Minsk). Author of the book "Children's Truth" (Minsk, Publishing House of the Belarusian Exarchate, 2003), which tells about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who ended up there for antisocial behavior (theft, hooliganism, drug addiction). It is not so much the children who are to blame for their terrible life, says Drobyshevskaya, but their parents, who do not pay them attention, care and love.
After the book was published, she received an offer from the governor of the Minsk region to work in the regional executive committee, and for 4 years now she has been a leading specialist in the main ideological department of the regional executive committee.
Nadezhda Afanasyevna Drobyshevskaya
 From the book of N.A. Drobyshevskaya "Children's Truth":
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“Children's Truth” is the gravest accusation against society, and primarily parents, of spiritual infanticide. Elena NASLEDYSHEVA talks with Nadezhda Afanasievna about how the family and society influence the development of children, and how they should influence it:
Nadezhda Afanasievna, what, in your opinion, are the most pressing problems in the field you are working on in Belarus? Do they differ from priority issues in other countries? 
- We have the most urgent problem - the restoration of the process of moral and spiritual education of children. The Church used to do this. But since the Church was excluded from this process in the 20th century, it was left to chance. In the Code of Marriage and Family, it was written that education is socially useful work. That is, the child was brought up by society, brought up by everyone, which means no one.
Today, we need, firstly, to realize that the process of education is spiritual and moral, and secondly, to solve the problem of training specialist teachers.
Children need to resolve the moral problems of the family. And this requires specialists. My main job now is to train personnel.
The solution of these issues is relevant not only for Belarus. In general, the problem of the loss of spiritual values is already a global problem. At international conferences, they tell me: “You have a lot of economic difficulties, which is why social orphans appear. But we do not have such difficulties. But the problem is the same!
I had to visit other countries. This helped to make sure that our system of pedagogy is strong with its roots, folk traditions. If only we could nourish them a little, revive them with something spiritual!
Children today, as the host of one of the TV programs put it, experience "moral nostalgia." When working with teenagers, in particular, with high school students, on issues of future family life I feel it 100%.
If you conduct a survey and find out their opinion, it turns out what they are for. civil marriage. But it is worth working with the audience and asking, for example, such a question: would you like your sister to give birth to a child out of wedlock? Answer: no. After 15 minutes of conversation, the audience gives answers to questions that are amazing and completely right in terms of morality! Only all this is buried somewhere in the depths. It is worth revealing this, and children make a choice in the direction of moral behavior.
- However, the problem of difficult children, delinquent children, is extremely acute. And it is solved mainly through state correctional institutions. What does your experience say, are these methods effective?
- On duty, I have the opportunity to meet with children who are on various accounts. And here is the picture: a judge, a prosecutor, a policeman gather and everyone starts to frighten these children, saying: yes, you will get out of prison, no one will marry you! And so on.
I go out to the children in the audience and say:
- Guys, were you scared by what they said here?
They are silent.
- I was scared. Tell me, can we now tell them that we will not do anything bad anymore?
They all say
- No.
Such children are sorted out at the council, at the commission on juvenile affairs, summoned to court, placed in a psychiatric hospital, in a school-colony. Is it educational measures? This is punishment! We have a moral problem, and they are trying to solve it by repressive methods.
But what about these kids? How to hold accountable? And in general, if the parents failed, can the state re-educate a teenager or just punish?
- More than 45 years have passed since I went to school. And then, if a child committed an offense, I'm not talking about a crime (I don't remember such a thing), then few people talked to him. Father to school - and all the talk. It amazes me how difficult it is today to call your parents, especially your father. I would like to find my mom.
And the cause of child delinquency and crime is precisely in family relationships: as soon as a conflict begins in the family, children become dysfunctional.
When asked where bad behavior comes from, the children themselves answer as follows: 1) from their parents, from their upbringing in the family; 2) from the media; 3) from friends and the street; and 4) from themselves.
People who are professionally engaged in pedagogy, psychology, issues of moral and spiritual education understand what it means "from oneself." This means how much the child absorbs all three previous influences that form his own consciousness.
Europe and America have juvenile justice, but we seem to be lagging behind. I look at this question in the following way. When we had a system of raising children, rooted in the traditions of our people, we did not need any juvenile justice. Previously, the family was a closed structure. All the questions that arose there were never taken out (garbage was not taken out of the hut). After the revolution, state ideologists argued that the family is a harmful phenomenon, that children should be brought up in state institutions. And that changed people's minds. Therefore, today my mother says: “And I sent him to school - let them bring him up!” For almost 100 years, atheistic ideology has been changing the minds of people, arguing that children are the subject of attention of the state, public structures, but not the family.
Now the problem has escalated, and juvenile delinquency has become a sad reality. We will have juvenile justice. And we need it today.
But, I think that our country will not necessarily follow the path that the West is following. They have theirs, we have ours. They still have a lot to learn from us. The peculiarity of the trial of a child is that the interrogation cannot be carried out without a psychologist, the lawyer of the defendant must be familiar with the basics of child psychology, with the developmental features of children of this age. It is necessary to take into account the psychology of the development of a child's delinquency.
Discussing the prospects for the introduction of juvenile justice, many are outraged that children have a legally secured right to sue their parents. How do you feel about this, and have there been cases in your practice when children should have sued their parents?
- When I worked in psychiatry, there were such examples. But in general, this is, of course, bad. If we do not ensure the process of restoring the moral education of children in the family and school, then no court will help anyone. However, I think that with our mentality, in our conditions, there will be few children who want to sue their parents.
- So, you should not believe the opinion that among children there is a widespread desire to scare or imprison their parents?
- Perhaps there are such examples. But this is more the exception than the rule. The children told me this: “Nadezhda Afanasyevna, why are they not letting my mother see me? If she is deprived of parental rights, then is she not a mother? It is in our understanding that they are no longer parents, and it is almost impossible to amputate this understanding in a child.
But when he grows up, he will harden, be aggressive and begin to take revenge on his parents for his childhood. Such a study was conducted in one Minsk boarding school. Many children from this boarding school have parents who are drunkards and do not work anywhere. And all the children said they love their parents. And when they were asked how they would watch them in old age, most wrote that they would kill them. 
- And how justified is the removal of such children from families to orphanages? It is often said that the worst family is better than the best children's institution.
- For children, the manifestation of love is not in the state taking them from the family to an orphanage, but in giving them timely education so that the child does not develop an intrapersonal conflict. But this is exactly what is happening now as a result of the lack of spiritual and moral education in early childhood. Such a child sees the whole world through his twisted consciousness. And it is difficult for him to make concessions, to compromise ...
So, the parents could not raise the child normally - and he enters the world of adults with psychological trauma which prevents him from creating a full-fledged family. It turns out a vicious circle ...
- He lives the life of his parents.
How to be? How to save children who have fallen into a bad family, if education in a public institution is also not an option?
- We are now trying to save children. This is the same as if the ship was sinking, and we would take out buckets of water, and no one would guess to close the hole. Any of our actions - actions, programs - cannot be called a manifestation of love for children, love is to give moral and spiritual education from childhood. Ask the children themselves where there will be more love: where a child was taken from their parents, or where parents were taught to raise children, taught the basics of family life.
And one more thing: you need to return the authority of the parents. Previously, they listened to the elders, followed their advice, but today the continuity has been lost. But in order for parents to have authority, it is necessary that their deeds coincide with the word, so that they show their children a good example. 
If a father drinks and uses force to demand from a child what he himself does not possess, he will never be an authority.
Once a mother came to Father John of Kronstadt with an 8-year-old child, now they would say “difficult”, and says: “Father, help!”. He took this child on his knees, shakes it and says: "You mothers, mothers." He knew that there was little that could be done. And today, in many cases that are very neglected, one can say: hug and cry, since you don’t understand and refused to raise children from early childhood.
Understand: when oncology is inoperable, who shoots surgeons? Well, they missed the moment when something else could have been done, they missed it ... And now these teenagers end up in some LTP, some in an orphanage, some in a colony.
Today is the most main question that if nothing is done, today's schoolchildren will be the same tomorrow. They would not be missed.
I want to give you a good example. In one of the cities of the Minsk region, we began the joint work of a doctor, a priest and a teacher - the results are amazing. The school, located in a criminal area, where drugs, juvenile delinquency, and family troubles, worked with children and parents for three years. As a result, the school came out on top in the city and region. And although problems with children remain, the issues of crime and juvenile delinquency have been removed there.
But when they started to work - what resistance there was! And from whom? From parents and teachers, but not from children.
When children are taken away from their parents, it would seem that parents should come to realize what is happening. But it is difficult for a person to understand. After all, these are spiritual things.
One teacher told me a story from her childhood. In their village, storks built a nest on a power line pole, and chicks appeared. One day, during a thunderstorm, lightning hit the nest directly, and it caught fire. All people jumped out of their houses - everyone wanted to save the birds. But it was impossible. And then they see: the stork rises and circles over the nest, and the mother, sitting in the nest, spread her wings over the chicks. But the fire is getting bigger, though the rain is. And then the wings of the mother light up ... And then the father stork with outstretched wings sits on the nest - and they all die ...
Why is there such a thing in the animal world, but in the human world it is completely different: a mother drinks, and her daughter, locked in a room, collects and eats cockroaches? And how long she stayed there, no one knows. Is it necessary to be introduced into such a family? Necessary. But this is 10% of the work that we have to do. And 90% of the forces and resources should be directed to the training of educators.
Today, when we infiltrate the family, do we understand how to help? And if there is no one waiting for this help? Moreover, reject? And there is conflict! Help should be given when asked. Moreover, a specialist must have the highest authority and enter a certain family in such a way that it is not offensive.
- Are you a supporter of soft or hard parenting? Do you think they should be punished physically?
- There must be love and rigor. I grew up in a patriarchal family. Our dad talked to the boys in a special way and could spank them for the cause, but he never punished the girls. But no one ever challenged the word of the father. And parental love, the love of a father, was not in doubt in any of the children.
My point of view - you can sometimes punish. Of course, there are questions for parents. No wonder it is said in Scripture: “be angry, do not sin” (Eph. 4:26). But if the parent does it with love, then that's fine.
One day my relative said: "Aunt Nadia, you probably only love bad boys." I say: “Lenya, I love you very much. And I want you not to be a bad boy, so I want you to be able to do everything, so that you have the strength of mind not to do bad things - this is a manifestation of my love. If this is not brought up in you, then you will reproach me later: Aunt Nadia, this boy knows how to do everything, but they didn’t teach me!
A child, if he is indulged in everything, will be untrained, not adapted, he will not have willpower. Indulgence weakens the will. TV also distracts attention and relaxes the will. There are children who stand in church for the entire All-Night Vigil. Some point a finger and say: “What are you doing! You are torturing children!” And this child grows up, and he has the strength to endure something, to endure something. And the post is the same...
- In general, how do you understand the rights of the child? What do they include?
- As Viktor Frankl said: humanity forgot 10 rules and came up with 10,000 for every occasion. Read the gospel commandments, there you will find both the rights of the child and the rights of the parents. Where else can we go and what else should we look for?
In the Christian culture and traditions of our people, it was like this: education began with familiarizing children with their duties. As the child grew older, his obligations to parents, to the family, to relatives, to neighbors, to teachers, to society expanded and became more complicated. I have come across such an expression in the literature: "rights are given to those who fulfill their duties."
And the modern approach, when children are not introduced to duties, but they talk about rights, can hardly be called correct. Definitely, it is completely wrong and very dangerous.
- How do you assess the relatively recent shift in the age of majority in Russia from 16 to 14 years and the assignment of the rights of an adult citizen to adolescents? Should a teenager be legally “grown up”, or, perhaps, it is better to restrain and slow down the process of entering the adult world as much as possible?
- Now in families where there is no moral education, infantilism of children is observed. That is, they are physically developing rapidly, but psychologically and spiritually they are lagging behind. This is especially true when a decision has to be made.
So you have to grow up. Just not artificially, not through the media or sex education. And through positive examples. We can and must form in children a consciousness that will allow them to have their own opinion about the value of a moral life. We must awaken in them a sense of the truth. So that they learn to think and can make the right choice themselves.
What do you think about proposals to lower the age of marriage? After all, you often refer to traditions, and earlier, it used to be that girls were given in marriage even at the age of 12?
- The modern girl is somewhat ahead of the girls of past centuries in the development, but in preparedness for family life - no. I ask a schoolgirl: what is happiness? She answers (and the whole audience agrees): it's when you are taken care of. Our children in terms of preparation for life, adaptation - "naked".
Previously, a girl was prepared for marriage from early childhood: she learned to sew, wash, cook. She was at work. What is the life of today's girl? Beer, cigarettes, mat. She is ready only for carnal pleasure, only for idleness - both in the city and in the countryside. She is not ready to be a mother. And how to revive the maternal instinct in her? There must be some strong, emotional examples that can touch the depths of the soul.
My niece teaches at the Medical University at the Department of Children's Diseases. She says that today's young mothers who begin early sexual life, who have already suffered many venereal diseases, who have had abortions and many partners, give birth to sick children. And we can refer to Chernobyl, ecology, economics, anything, but statistics, facts show that the spiritual and moral factor is the main one.
All the media are now developing the carnal, sexual in children. As a result - early sexual life. And I also read from Theophan the Recluse that until the age of 14, adults need to monitor what the boy's eyes look at and what his ears hear. When I was far from the Church, I did not understand why? After that, I realized that when the moral core of the soul of a child is formed, then he needs to talk not about rights. First, they formed a foundation that gave the teenager the opportunity to resist various life temptations. Our pious ancestors said: first prepare the inner man, and then the inner man will not take up his own work.
Adults themselves during divorces say that no one taught them to be parents. Several generations of us have not received the appropriate upbringing from their parents. By the way, when you arrange a meeting devoted to family problems, the children come, but the parents do not. One father came, sits and gets annoyed. I told him: "What is it?" He: “If only housing issues were resolved, but here - education!”
- Nadezhda Afanasyevna, are you going to continue the topic raised in the book "Children's Truth"?
- Yes, sure. I have already prepared materials for a new book.
What is it about? Will there be something fundamentally new in it or just a continuation of the conversation started four years ago?
- The first book reflected children's fates, more precisely, the children's vision of their own fate. One girl even said this about this book: “It says how parents offend children.”
In "Children's Truth" the facts are stated. But what's next? While working in the hospital, I had the opportunity to work only with children. I saw that something could be planted in their souls. I understood that this work should be continued at school and at home. But a doctor working in psychiatry does not have the opportunity to interact with parents and teachers.
And by the grace of God, this is also, I think, providential, I was offered a job in the regional executive committee. Judge for yourself, if I came to the teachers as a psychotherapist, then few people would accept me, but the representative of the regional executive committee is a completely different matter. I started working with parents and teachers.
I would like to share this episode. I come to school. And one teacher suddenly expresses irritation, directly aggression: “Yes, these“ difficult ”must be smacked into the wall, but these are scumbags! We need to see good children! What do you pay attention to them?!” And I couldn't answer that.
I'm going to the high school class. The director went with me. With teenagers, we began to talk about social orphans, drunkenness, trouble in families, offenses, crimes. I ask: how will you live? They sit, silent - it seems that nothing can touch them.
Then I say: guys, where to learn, how to be a family? Someone says: in the Constitution. Someone: in the Bible. And one boy: from the neighbors. I ask: do you know such neighbors? Yes I know. And he begins to tell what kind of neighbor he has, how he takes care of his wife, children, how he runs the household. Here I look, the director's face has changed ... Do you know who this boy was talking about? About that teacher who said that the “difficult” ones should be smacked into the wall.
I return to the teacher's room and tell him: but one boy said that you were an example for him, an ideal. He was shocked and over time completely changed his attitude towards children.
As a doctor, I began to theoretically and practically investigate the relationship between children's health and the lack of moral and spiritual education. And what will be presented in the book is, firstly, the medical and psychological aspect of the problem of deviant behavior, and secondly, possible ways to solve this problem.
In addition, the theme of the characteristics of the psychological and mental development of children in dysfunctional families will be touched upon. Moreover, I consider the features associated not with organic matter, not with some kind of trauma, but precisely with the lack of spiritual and moral education. There will be sections in the book devoted to the forms and methods of working with such children. This is now especially relevant and in demand.
| An excerpt from a future book by N.A. Drobyshevskaya
Someone has to answer sometime Police officer S. Davidovich <...> Our ancestors studied the art of moral education of children all their lives. The first 3-5 years of a child's life were considered the most important, because during these years the foundation of a person's character was laid for life. It was during this period that parents tried to instill a lot of good habits, instill a love for work, educate the will of the child, show him the meaning of life, give him an idea: who he is in relation to himself, to parents, friends, to elders, to the country, to God . It was during this period that the child received an idea of spiritual life, of responsibility for his actions. When a child was instilled with the concept that he should be responsible for his actions, they thereby brought up in him inner freedom, not at all that permissiveness - “what I want, I do” - which we most often notice in our children. The concept of spiritual life helped the children to have a clear idea: why it is impossible to lie, steal, kill, and so on. The first duty of parents was to give their children an idea of their duties. Without this, talking to children about their rights is simply dangerous. The right of the child to moral education was natural, self-evident. Violation of this right caused a storm of human indignation and harsh condemnation according to human law. Our ancestors were afraid of God and did not allow negligence in the moral education of children. Even such a term - "asocial behavior" - did not exist. Then children and adolescents received a normal moral upbringing and lived in a favorable environment - family, school, friends, the media - everything acted on the child in one creative, and not destructive way. Disfigured, antisocial behavior among children and adolescents began to spread after the revolution of 1917, when the process of moral and spiritual education was left to chance, churches were destroyed, priests were destroyed and the family without God was proclaimed. That is, at first, adults became asocial! Very quickly, children and adolescents with the most pronounced signs of bad behavior began to fill the children's departments of psychiatric hospitals. In Russia, for the first time in world medical practice in 1933, a new diagnosis appeared: "Pathocharacterological formation of personality." This meant essentially only one thing - bad behavior! (Lies. Disobeys. Steals. Smokes. Drinks alcohol, etc.). Treatment methods have changed. The diagnosis has changed. However, medical scientists have not yet found a way to treat antisocial behavior. People have abandoned the most faithful and simple God's rules and built such a puzzle for themselves! And what is easier than to say today: “Lord, forgive us! We are lost!" And return to the old God's rules for raising children. After all, these rules have proven to be true in practice. Before, the father gave instruction: “Son! If you want to be happy, remember the three rules: 1) live according to the commandments of God, 2) listen to your conscience, 3) seek the benefit of your neighbor. Even today these rules should be recognized as the only way for the spiritual and moral rebirth of the family. Any other recipes are a substitution and another deception of both yourself and your children. Our pious ancestors understood that without faith in God it is impossible to educate a person. And almost a hundred years of history of the process of destruction of family foundations confirms the correct conclusions of our pious ancestors. Today, research by scientists shows that adolescents who commit offenses and crimes have violations in the field of moral consciousness. This means that in a situation where they have to quickly make a choice between a good and a bad deed, their choice easily leans in favor of an immoral deed. To perform a good deed, it is necessary that the child has good habits and experience in doing good deeds from childhood. It is known that the accomplishment of a good deed requires more spiritual strength, more tension. That is why the educators tried to lay in the foundation of the child's character the experience of many good deeds - and all this in order to make it easier for him to choose the path of goodness in his later life. There are few or no good habits in the life experience of today's difficult children. Most often, children do not want to do bad things, but in fact, it is the bad things that they get faster and easier. Here's a paradox... |
The second reason: parents do not love themselves in the gospel sense of these words (Matthew 22:39). People with low self-esteem have great difficulty trying to give their children more love than they have for themselves.
The third reason for the lack of love for children is that Parents mistakenly believe that children are obliged to live up to their expectations. The parental feeling that their children are not up to the “right level” is often the main reason for conflict.
Many parents view their children as movable property, as a form of ownership. They believe that children behave properly only when they say and do what their parents want them to do. Children's behavior, at odds with the expectations of parents, causes their criticism. Father or mother say words filled with deadly poison:
- Such I do not love you!
Without doing this intentionally, they nevertheless deprive the child of their love and approval. The child begins to feel unloved. This is how the foundation of his personal problems is laid in the future: many of us know people who, constantly currying favor with significant elders (boss at work, priests), try to ingratiate themselves, “justify trust”. Alas, no one told them that there is no need to justify trust - it is not to blame for anything.
Any negative or antisocial behavior of a teenager is a cry for help, an attempt to get rid of feelings of guilt, anger and resentment generated by criticism and rejection that they had to face at the very beginning of life.
The topic covered in this chapter is described in depth and in detail in the book by N.A. Drobyshevskaya "Children's Truth", Publishing House of the Belarusian Exarchate, 2002. The author is a practicing psychotherapist, a Christian, for six years she worked with difficult children and adolescents in the children's department of a psychiatric hospital.
The stay of such children in a psychiatric hospital does not lead to an improvement in behavior. It cannot be here - that real improvement in behavior that parents and teachers are waiting for, because doctors are already facing investigation. The harm from staying in a psychiatric hospital, from gluing the diagnosis as a "label" is undeniable.
The author believes that the network of psychiatric hospitals in our country began to expand as the Church was destroyed, that our children, first of all, need worthy examples adult lives. Children will remain in evil until we - adults - by personal example of a decent life, show them a different path.
The main problems that arise in the process of raising a child
For help - to the father
The destruction of the family inevitably entails the destruction of the nation. The collapse of parental authority in the family gives rise to the collapse of all ideals in society. From here anarchy, confrontation and conflict of generations are born. Children blame their parents, parents blame their children.
Today, many parents rush to the Church, to its ministers, for help, advice and support. They rush when the situation has reached the edge, when they have had the wisdom to realize their mistakes and their helplessness. And how great it is if in the church of God parents meet a good shepherd who, with his heartfelt participation and pastoral wisdom, will help resolve the situation, ask leading questions, and teach wise advice, pray with the person about their situation.
In this chapter, we will dwell in more detail on the cases in which parents most often turn to the priest. Let's talk about what is the help of the priest to parents and children.
Most often, they turn to the priest with complaints about growing up children: they don’t respect anyone, they don’t go to church. Usually this can be heard from the mother, but sometimes fathers also complain about the child, who in childhood was a “beautiful boy”, was almost going to leave for the monastery, and then suddenly completely cooled down to the church, he had other interests. The priest, as a rule, does not have the opportunity to talk with these children, so you need to help the mother or father sort out the conflict.
I think it would be a great mistake for a shepherd to hear such a complaint and say: “Yes, our youth is like that now. She doesn’t need God at all, young people are mired in sin, this TV and rock music have done their job ... ”. Having supported the position of a believing parent in relation to “godless children”, this shepherd, instead of helping the father or mother understand whether they are contributing to the emergence of a conflict situation with their behavior, immediately takes the position of parents. Mom, of course, will be confirmed in her rightness - after all, the priest himself supported her! - and now, “with the blessing” of the clergyman, he will continue to scold and “nag” his son or daughter.
Why are parents asking for help now?
It is very important to understand Why the parent turned to the priest for help right now. Why relationship problems have become especially acute today? What has changed in the relationship with the child or in the parent himself lately in this way?
It happens that the aggravation of relations is simply the natural process of growing up a child and leaving him out of parental control. But most often this is facilitated by a sharp change in the situation - either in the life of a child, for example: he returned from the army, entered the institute and, as a result, the possibility of control decreased; either in the life of a parent: he retired and he freed up time and mental strength to devote more time to the family; Or maybe your parents got divorced...
Four groups of parenting problems
First group. It is characterized by a lack of contact with children. Parents do not know how they live, what they are interested in. The inability to talk heart to heart with them gives parents a feeling of their uselessness, alienation from their own child. For such situations, statements like: “I don’t understand him (or her) at all. I don’t know anything about him - where he happens to be, with whom he is friends. He doesn't tell me anything, he doesn't trust me."
Second group. The problems of this group are connected with the defiantly disrespectful attitude of children towards their parents. There are constant quarrels and conflicts between them over trifles. Typical complaints of parents: "He is constantly rude, does not consider me - turns on his stupid music loudly, does not want to help around the house."
Third group. It is characterized by anxiety for children, fears that they do not live the way they should from the point of view of their parents. Sometimes this is a conflict between the non-religious dispensation of children's lives, their unwillingness to go to church, pray to God, and the parental "should".
It happens that parents consider children unhappy, unlucky, confused and lost in life. Here are complaints of such a plan: “The daughter has a bad relationship with her husband. I want to help her improve family relationships, but I don’t know how to do it.” Or: “Father, my son left the institute where he studied for three years, he is going to leave for a monastery. How can I influence him? The mother laments that her daughter is only nineteen years old, and she has already had three abortions: “What should I do with her?”
Fourth group. These are problems associated with non-standard, often illegal behavior of children. For example: “My son uses drugs. How can you help him? What prayers to read? Which specialist should I contact?”, or: “My daughter is closely acquainted with members of a criminal gang that is engaged in racketeering.”
Whatever group the complaints belong to, the first task of the pastor is to understand the essence of the problem, to understand how much the claims and assessments of the parents correspond to reality. The most obvious way is to collect information, specific facts.
Usually, the parent who turned to the priest is the “correct” person from his point of view, he is talkative and ready to tell you his story without leading questions. But to get the right information about specific situations will have to ask him direct questions about How the relationship of the child with the parent unfolded, what they usually talk about, why and how disputes flare up, what anxiety and suspicions are based on.
Nadezhda Afanasievna Drobyshevskaya graduated from the Vitebsk Medical Institute (now a university) in 1971. She worked as an obstetrician-gynecologist, then took up psychotherapy, studied at the Department of Psychiatry at the Moscow Institute for the Improvement of Doctors. She worked in a party sanatorium in the Crimea, where a certain employee of the Central Committee of the CPSU gave her the Gospel; this became for her one of the first steps towards Orthodoxy.
As a child psychotherapist, she worked for six years at the Republican Psychiatric Hospital in Minsk. The author of the book "Children's Truth", which tells about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who ended up there for antisocial behavior (theft, hooliganism, drug addiction). According to N. Drobyshevskaya, the children are not so much to blame for their terrible life as their parents, who do not pay them attention, care and love. "Children's Truth" is an accusation against society, primarily parents, of spiritual infanticide. After the publication of the book, she received an offer from the governor of the Minsk region to work in the regional executive committee, where she worked for four years as a leading specialist of the main ideological department. In 2013, the second book "Children Must Not Be Lost" was published - an organic continuation of the first book and a professional understanding of the family crisis.
In 2013, Nadezhda Afanasievna learned about her serious illness: stage 4 liver cancer with metastases. Wanting to preserve peace of mind, adequately prepare for death and not burden relatives and friends, she informed only a few about the diagnosis; refused chemotherapy and only underwent a course of maintenance therapy. She gathered, confessed, and often took communion; On April 10, 2014, she quietly and lightly departed to the Lord.
We bring to the attention of site visitors an interview with Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya that is still relevant today and her deep monologue, in which she speaks as an experienced specialist and a believer about the influence of family and society on the development of children ...
First meeting
— Nadezhda Afanasyevna, what problems in the field you are working on are the most relevant in Belarus at the present time? Do they differ from priority issues in other countries?
— We have the most pressing problem — the restoration of the spiritual and moral education of children. The Church used to do this. But since the Church was excluded from the educational process in the 20th century, it was allowed to take its own course. In the Code of Marriage and Family, it was written that education is socially useful work. That is, the child was brought up by society, brought up by everyone, which means no one.
Today, we need, firstly, to realize that the process of education is spiritual and moral, and, secondly, to solve the problem of training specialist teachers. This is true not only for Belarus. Colleagues from prosperous countries tell me: “You have a lot of economic difficulties, which is why social orphans appear. But we do not have such difficulties. But the problem is the same! Visiting other countries, I am convinced that our system of pedagogy is strong in its roots, folk traditions. If only they could be nourished a little, revived with something spiritual!
Children today, as the host of one television program rightly put it, experience "moral nostalgia." True, in an "impromptu" poll, they can speak out, for example, in favor of a civil marriage. But it’s worth working with the audience and then asking a banal question: “Would you like your sister to give birth to a child out of wedlock?” - the answer will be categorical: no! And the further reasoning of the guys becomes correct from the point of view of morality! Only they have it buried somewhere in the depths. “You open it up”, and the children make a choice in the direction of moral behavior.
“However, the problem of difficult children, delinquent children, is extremely acute. And it is solved mainly through correctional institutions. Is it efficient?
- On duty, I had the opportunity to meet with children who are on various accounts. And here is the picture: a judge, a prosecutor, a policeman gather, and everyone starts to scare the children: “You will be released from prison, no one will marry you!” And so on. I asked: “Guys, are you afraid to hear these words?” They are silent. I continue: “I’m scared. Tell me, can you assure these strict uncles and aunts that you will not do anything else bad? They answer: "No."
Such children are sorted out at the council, at the commission on juvenile affairs, summoned to court, placed in a psychiatric hospital, in a school-colony. Is it educational measures? This is punishment! The problem is moral, and we are trying to solve it by repressive methods.
But what about these kids? If the parents failed, can the state re-educate the teenager?
“It's been about half a century since I went to school. And then, if a child committed an offense, not to mention a crime (I don’t remember such a thing), then few people talked to him. Father to school - and all the talk. It amazes me how difficult it is today to call your parents, especially your father. I would like to find my mom. And the cause of child delinquency and crime is precisely in family relationships: as soon as a conflict begins in the family, children become dysfunctional. When asked where bad behavior comes from, the children themselves answer as follows: 1) from their parents, from their upbringing in the family; 2) from the media; 3) from friends and the street; 4) from themselves. People who are professionally engaged in pedagogy, psychology, moral and spiritual education understand what it means "from oneself"; it is how much the child absorbs the three previous influences that form his own consciousness.
In Europe and America there is juvenile justice, but we seem to be lagging behind for now ... When there was a system of raising children rooted in the traditions of the people, we did not need any juvenile justice. After all, the family was a closed structure, and its problems were not outside (garbage was not taken out of the hut). After the revolution, state ideologists decided: the family is a harmful phenomenon, therefore children must be brought up in state institutions. And with this they changed the minds of people ... Today, mother says: “I sent the child to school - let them bring it up!”
Now the problem has escalated, and juvenile delinquency has become a sad reality. And we need juvenile justice. But I think that our country will not necessarily follow the path of the West. He has his, we have ours. And the West can learn a lot from us. The peculiarity of the trial of a child is that the interrogation cannot be carried out without a psychologist, the defendant's lawyer must be familiar with the basics of child psychology, with the developmental features of children of this age. It is necessary to take into account the psychology of the development of a child's delinquency.
- Discussing the prospects for the introduction of juvenile justice, many are outraged that children have a legally fixed right to sue their parents. How do you feel about this, and have there been cases in your practice when children should have sued their parents?
- When I worked in psychiatry, there were such examples as exceptions. But, in general, this is, of course, bad. If we do not ensure the moral education of children in the family and school, then no court will help. However, I think that with our mentality, in our conditions, there will be few children who want to sue their parents. The children told me this: “Nadezhda Afanasyevna, why are they not letting my mother see me? If she is deprived of parental rights, is she not a mother already? It is adults who have the concept of “non-parents”, and it is almost impossible for a child to amputate it. But, growing up, he will harden and take revenge on his parents for his childhood. A study was conducted at a boarding school. Many children from this boarding school have parents who are drunkards and do not work anywhere. But the children answered that they love their parents. And when they were asked how they would watch them in old age, most of them wrote that they would kill ...
- How justified is the removal of such children from families in orphanages? It is often said that the worst family is better than the best children's institution.
- For children, the manifestation of love is not in the state taking them from the family to an orphanage, but in giving them timely education so that the child does not develop an intrapersonal conflict, as is now happening due to the lack of spiritual and moral education in early childhood. Such a child sees the world through his twisted consciousness. And it is difficult for him to make concessions, to compromise ... He, as it were, lives the life of his parents.
- How to be? How to save children from "bad" families, if education in a public institution is also not an option?
“We are now trying to save children. This is the same as, for example, if the ship was sinking, and we would begin to pump out water, not having guessed to eliminate the leak. Any of our actions (actions, programs, etc.) cannot be called a manifestation of love for children, because love is from childhood to give moral and spiritual education. More love, not where the child was taken away from the parents, but where the parents were taught to raise children, taught the basics of family life.
And further. We need to restore the authority of the parents. Previously, they listened to the elders, followed their advice, but today the continuity has been lost. But in order for parents to have authority, they must set a good example for their children, become masters of word and deed. If a father drinks and uses force to demand from a child what he himself does not possess, he will never be an authority. Once a mother came to Father John of Kronstadt with an eight-year-old son (in modern times - "difficult") and asks: "Father, help!" He took the child on his knees, shakes it and says: “You mothers, mothers,” realizing that nothing can be done to help here. Today, even more so, we can say about many neglected cases: hug the baby and cry, if you did not understand the need for education in a timely manner. Understand: when oncology is neglected, and the operation is useless - who shoots at surgeons? .. If nothing is done, then today's schoolchildren will be the same tomorrow. They would not be missed.
Here is a typical case: the mother drinks, and the daughter, locked in the room, collects and eats cockroaches. How long this goes on - no one knows ... Is it necessary to infiltrate such a family? Necessary. But “implementation” is only ten percent of the work we have to do. And ninety forces and resources need to be directed to the training of educators. Infiltrating the family, do we understand how to help? What if they don't want help? Moreover, are they rejected? And there is conflict! Help should be given when asked. Moreover, a specialist must have the highest authority, skills, delicacy, so that the help does not look offensive.
Are you a supporter of soft or hard parenting? Do you think they should be punished physically?
- There must be love and rigor. My point of view - sometimes you can punish. The main thing is to do even this - with love. After all, it is said in Scripture: when angry, do not sin. A child, if he is indulged in everything, will be untrained, not adapted, devoid of willpower. Indulgence relaxes the will, like TV, by the way. There are children who maintain an all-night vigil in church. Other adults are indignant: “You are torturing children!” And this child grows up, and he has the strength to endure a lot, endure considerable difficulties. And the post is the same...
How do you understand the rights of the child? What do they include?
- As Viktor Frankl said, mankind forgot ten rules and came up with ten thousand for every occasion of life. Read the gospel commandments, there you will find both the rights of the child and the rights of the parents. In the Christian culture and traditions of our people, it was like this: education began with familiarizing children with their duties. As they grew older, their duties to their parents, family, relatives, neighbors, teachers, and society became more complex. I came across a strong expression in the literature: "Rights are given to those who fulfill their duties." And the modern approach, when children are not introduced to duties, but they talk about rights, can hardly be called correct.
What is your opinion on proposals to lower the age of marriage? After all, you refer to traditions; and earlier, it happened, girls were given in marriage even at the age of twelve.
- The modern girl is somewhat ahead in the development of the girls of past centuries, but in preparedness for family life - no. I ask a schoolgirl: what is happiness? She replies (and the audience agrees): it's when you're taken care of. Our children in terms of preparation for life, adaptation - "naked". Previously, a girl from childhood was prepared for marriage: she learned to sew, wash, cook, that is, she was in labor. What is the life of today's girl? Beer, cigarettes, mat. She is ready only for carnal pleasures, only for idleness - both in the city and in the countryside. She is not ready to be a mother. How to revive the maternal instinct in her? We need some strong emotional examples that can touch the depths of the soul.
Today's young mothers, who have begun early sexual activity with many partners, who have undergone venereal diseases and abortions, give birth to sick children. You can, of course, refer to Chernobyl, ecology, the economy, anything, but the spiritual and moral factor is the main one. The media develop the carnal, sexual in children. However, when the moral core of the soul of a child is being formed, he needs to talk not about rights, but to build a foundation that will make it possible to resist life's temptations. Our pious ancestors said: first prepare the inner man, and then the inner man will not take up his own work.
