E There are people who are able to quickly make judgments about certain situations, about people and their actions, without understanding what is happening. But sometimes they themselves cannot even analyze their thoughts or actions. This story is about a man who pushed his wife away in order to save himself. Probably, many immediately thought about how bad he is. Do not rush to judge! Read and you will understand that there is nothing unambiguously correct.
One teacher told a story to the children about a cruise ship that was wrecked at sea. More precisely, about one married couple who were on this ship. They managed to get to the lifeboat, but there was only room for one person.
At that moment, the man jumped into the boat himself, and his wife remained on the sinking ship. She shouted something after him, and he was already sailing away.
What do you think she yelled at him?
95% of people will say: “I hate you!”, “How blind I was!” and something like that.
The teacher asked the same question to the students. And only one of them answered differently.
He replied, "Master, I believe she was screaming, Take care of our child!"
Surprised, the teacher asked, "Have you heard this story?"
The boy shook his head and said, "No, but that's what my mother told my father before she died of an illness."
The teacher said: “The answer is correct. The cruise ship sank. The man returned home, raised his daughter alone. And a few years after his death, their daughter found his diary. It turned out that when the parents boarded the cruise ship, the mother had already been diagnosed with an incurable disease. At a critical moment, the father accepted this one chance for survival. He wrote in his diary: "I would like to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter I could not allow it ...".
The students were silent when the teacher finished the story. The moral is simple: do not make hasty decisions about something or someone, because good and evil are not so unambiguous, they can be difficult to recognize.
Twenty eight years old. Beautiful, slender, by no means stupid, adequate behavior. Was not married, no children. Guys, like hell from incense ...
For twenty-eight years, there were practically no serious relationships, I really want them serious, a husband, a family, children. I’m suffering ... I got a job, met a guy, 6 years younger than me - I really liked it, half a year without sex, spit on everything - we slept! After suffering, I wanted to be with him! She left for another city, met another, began to live. Did not work out!
Came back. And here he is again. He begins to write, seek meetings, say how good he was with me, begins to court and seek me. All this lasted half a year. Cinema, cafes, walks. Although, from one correspondence, he honestly said that only banal sex could offer me, and that I would not make plans for it! And so I decided again. Everything happened, passionate sex. And the next day he didn’t answer SMS, doesn’t call, doesn’t write ... I don’t want to believe that with me there can only be banal sex. After all, a whole year has passed since the first meeting, he sought, looked after me, spoke beautiful words, all for what? For sex with me?
Explain to me, please, his behavior.
All the causes of problems that cause suffering to a person lie in himself. It is necessary to change your previous attitude towards the opposite sex, family, sex and life in general. Twenty-eight years for a woman is a time of fragrance. A favorable moment for the transition to a new level of your inner plan, the perception of the world around you, the realization of your destiny, the world of true values. Are you capable of being a wife, mother and lover all rolled into one? If yes, then the law of correspondence will not take long, you only need patience and a desire to build the right relationship. Perhaps excessive aggression and an indefatigable desire to achieve your most cherished goal by hook or by crook frightens and even repels your chosen one. Accept what happened. Don't be angry that things didn't go according to your plan. Thank the divine manifestation for this moment of communication. You wanted and achieved this, for more, until you have the ability (to give free of charge, to be grateful, caring, to have a lot of other female blessings). And besides, your young man is young and not ready for marriage. Here lies the difference in your views on life together and everyone's concern for themselves. A responsible and serious person already has a correct understanding of what is happening. If there is self-doubt (and it seems to be), then there should be time to explore what causes it. In addition, there was an initial installation: "No obligations."
Now I remember a letter from a young man:
“I am looking for answers to my questions. The fact is that I am married, I have a good wife, my two children. I am 23 years old, my wife is 30. Everything was fine.
Then I met a girl on the internet. I left my wife. I began to live alone. I told my wife that I no longer love her, that I have another. The case is headed for divorce.
I never saw the girl with whom I talked on the Internet, only photos and telephone conversations. But there is one but...
When I see my wife, a great longing appears in my soul. When she says she'll find someone else, I'm choked with jealousy. I worry about her very much. I want to return to it, and at the same time I am afraid that this is a fleeting phenomenon.
We lived with her for 6 years. Help, please, to understand. I don't understand what I'm doing anymore."
This is the approach of an honest man, with the imagination of a teenager who married too early and little studied himself, not having enough experience. He needs time. And even if he makes a mistake, it will bear its fruits of experience. He has a right to it. Experiences lead to understanding.
Your situations are similar. Perhaps this is a sample of one of the options for your prospects in terms of building family relationships. And if this near future is indifferent to you, then your partner is trying to prevent or at least temporarily delay the course of formation of such events.
Your attitude to sex is somewhat alarming. Sexual energy is life energy. It is capable of transformation, permeates and fills everything that exists, giving it certain forms. Its free movement is beautiful. But when it is used as a means of bargaining, a monetary equivalent based on the terms of the contract "you - to me, I - to you", then the form of its expression becomes ugly.
By condemning sex, you make it ugly. With this attitude, you should not expect your meetings to resume soon. You yourself deny them, condemning them. There are no prospects for your transformation of sex into love, since the initial condemnation of a natural phenomenon turns it into a poison that threatens the life of another and yourself, and not into life-giving and voluptuous nectar.
Anger, despondency, hatred, anger arising from this become an expression of your sexual energy. And the energy field of such a person begins to take on a menacing shape. Hence the conclusions from the observations: "...they run like hell from incense."
Here you need to be angry with yourself that you are trying to trade in sex to achieve your goals. And sincere anger at your attitude to yourself will help you free yourself from the role of an entrepreneur. Anger and bewilderment are signs that love has not happened yet.
Move in the direction of love. And unfavorable symptoms over time will turn into peace and joy, and later there will be no positive and negative at all. Everything will become a true ocean of feelings.
Fears and discontent will disappear, there will be ground for trust and a desire to be near.
It's still ahead. And you will have to put more energy into love. Do not analyze the behavior of another. Psychoanalysis will not help here. Dedicate yourself to love. Let it not be for you just a beautiful word and fantasy. And it will become a holiday, without any plans for the future.
You need to either accept the situation as it is at the moment and work hard to achieve what you want or, if you are not satisfied, leave it and continue your search.
- Well, he promised that we would always be together, and now ... - my friend Asya was offendedly rubbing tears on her cheeks with her fist. The love of her life publicly confessed his love to his ex-girlfriend and returned to her, despite all Ashina's efforts. Why did he do this?
There is an opinion that men and women are people from different planets and will never understand each other, but there is an opinion that in the end we all, regardless of gender, want the same thing. So where is the truth and how to understand why a man did this and not otherwise?
You just wait
Asya met her lover a long time ago, back in her merry student years, when she and her friend traveled all over Russia, taking part in journalism competitions and forums. At one of the forums in the distant city of N, she saw a short snob in a carelessly tied scarf, littering with barbs right and left. When the snob approached Asya, he, of course, also could not resist the impulse and did not joke about her diminutiveness, giving her the name "Thumbelina".
They continued to communicate on the Internet. The great distance between the cities made itself felt: everyone had a relationship, and the correspondence became rather friendly. But during rare meetings on business trips, they were inexorably drawn to each other. Maxim (that was the name of our hero) communicated well with Asya's friend - Tanya, who invited him to meet with friends New Year she has. Naturally, Asya was also invited.
It is unlikely that Asya's presence was a surprise for Maxim, but he arrived with his girlfriend Daria. The last fifteen minutes after the start of the celebration was completely forgotten and abandoned - Maxim was flirting with might and main with Asya, who was in seventh heaven with happiness. The next day, Dasha, realizing that there was no need for her presence, silently packed her things and went to the station. For two magical weeks, Maxim and Asya were a real couple in love. The girl did not look for a soul in her beloved. That's just to talk and designate their relationship, no one dared. Soon Maxim went to his hometown. Asa had no face: she did not sleep and did not eat, she languished and worried in anticipation of every contact with her beloved. And the young man then appeared, then disappeared. She went to visit him several times, where Maxim introduced her as his girlfriend to all friends, acquaintances and even her mother. But then, after Asya's visits, he again began the policy of a telephone partisan.
Once Maxim did not get in touch for a month. Based on the entries in his LiveJournal, it was easy to understand that he was not sick and the aliens did not abduct him: he leads an active lifestyle, participates in all events, but for some reason he does not find time for Asya. The girl cried into her pillow at night and went headlong to work. And at one fine moment she firmly decided and told us that she would be faithful only to him, like Conchita from the opera Juno and Avos. She rejected all the courtship of other gentlemen, and one fine day she still waited for his call. The light of her soul announced into the phone that he was going to her, his beloved Asya, and he would also have to speak at the same forum a couple of times, but this is not an end in itself, the main thing is that they will see each other! Upon Maxim's arrival, they constantly made love, he brought her coffee in bed for a week, carefully pushed back his chair in a cafe, had small talk with her friends, held her hand in the movies and kissed her tenderly at every traffic light. Asya was in love and happy. And only we - envious shrews-girlfriends - noticed some kind of catch in personal communication with a couple.
Maxim left, and Asya again could not find a place for herself, missing her beloved. Three days after his departure, she decisively dialed the number - the young man did not pick up the phone. Two days later, she found on the social network on the page of the aforementioned Dasha an inscription made by Maxim: "I love only Dasha!" Asya was sincerely perplexed and, rubbing her tears with her fist, asked us: "Why did he do that?" But everything is only because not only women, but also men are mercantile and prudent. Undoubtedly, Maxim liked Asya as a pleasant conversationalist and passionate lover, she was not unpleasant to him. Therefore, he allowed himself to exchange his affection and warmth for a comfortable stay in a foreign city, courtship, gifts and pleasant leisure. Only now he did not think that the one who looks at you like a puppy dog might be hurt by a slight adultery. And to realize that somewhere in another city a person is waiting for you, ready for anything for you, is very pleasant. And it is unlikely that Asya was the only one on this list.
He doesn't want me!
Once, my overworked brain boiled over not from work at all. A man has come into my life. More precisely, he appeared for the third time.
Once upon a time, nothing in our relationship foreshadowed trouble, but he disappeared without explaining anything. I shed tears, asked everyone what was wrong with me, then - what was wrong with him. Not finding a clear answer, after a while I eventually calmed down. The second time he appeared in my life, or rather, on my phone, with an offer to go to the movies, when I, being on a wonderful date, was sitting on the seashore with a charming young man, enthusiastic and completely forgetting about my mister brain. He received a decisive refusal and again disappeared from my life. After another six months, he called, I answered the phone discouraged:
Hello ... - I mumbled in confusion.
- How much can I call you, at least you could hear one of your phones, - the gentleman scolded me. - Today is the premiere of the film, the same one, remember, they wanted to go back in the summer, get ready, I'll call in an hour.
We went to the cinema, during which I longed to take his hand all the time, then we walked and talked, enlightening each other about the changes in life. The next day we went to his friends, a week later - to relatives. No one asked the question "Why?", I calmed down a little from his courtship and thought: what's the difference, why he returned so suddenly and now practically does not let me out of his arms. The main thing is that now is good. What happens next is no longer important!
On the New Year, which we celebrated together, my gentleman went over with alcohol. I guessed that what he told me then, on a sober head, I would not have pulled out of him even under terrible torture. It turned out that once he had a fight with his girlfriend and decided to have an affair with me on a wedge by wedge basis. But then she returned to him, which is why he disappeared so suddenly. Now she left him again, so he, being in the deepest depression, thought: who better to cope with his unstable psyche than me. That's why he dialed my number.
After the celebration of the New Year, a complete confusion began. He either appeared and did not leave me a single step, offering his friends to take care of gifts for our wedding, then he disappeared, then he returned with flowers and again went underground, in which they do not pick up phones. But what is most interesting: after he opened his soul to me, we completely lost sex. And to all my questions, he answered at length that he was tired at work, or he helped someone with the move, in general, there was always a good reason. This went on for several months, until he got the family status "Dating with ..." on the social network, and in this line there was by no means my last name. But the answer to my question: "What is it?" I was just amazed. My prince scratched his head, then brazenly looked up and said: "What's wrong?"
As soon as a man begins to evade a normal relationship (disappears, does not pick up the phone, avoids intimacy), no matter how he justifies himself, know that another woman is probably involved here. The most common syndrome is the answer "I was busy" to the question "Why didn't you call?". Think, we, too, are not loafers and are not busy just calling the boyfriends we like around the clock, but, despite any amount of work, we will always find a minute to call our beloved and inquire about his mood and well-being. As the saying goes, "when faced with a solution to a problem, we are looking for either opportunities or reasons."
Pity the time
My friend Tanya is a successful economist for a large company. She is beautiful and smart, purposeful and uninhibited, and by her twenty-seven years has already learned to see through men, while maintaining a slight shade of naivety in her behavior. But even an old woman can be a mess, and even Tatyana sometimes turned to us with a sacramental question: "Why did he do that?"
Once Tanya met a wonderful young man Andrei at a corporate party. They talked, joked a lot, and seemed to understand each other perfectly. The corporate party ended with a Sabantuum at the apartment of one of the colleagues, where Tanya and Andrey, having gone out on the balcony to smoke and forgetting about the company, stayed there together for the whole night. And in the morning he invited her on a date. It was time for a date, but Andrey did not call. The reasons turned out to be banal - Andrei reconciled with his girlfriend. They saw Tanya only a few days later. The young man behaved as if nothing had happened, as if there had not been that crazy night on the balcony with confessions, conversations and passionate kisses.
One day Andrei had an accident, and his car had to be taken to the service station. Tanya, as a motorist, knew how hard it was to be left without an iron horse, which is why she offered to give the young man a ride. You can always find a rich bar in Tanya's car, and that day was no exception. Andrei was upset and depressed, and she suggested that he "relieve stress." Having drunk a little, Andrey offered to drive around the city and chat. So Tanya found out that for six months he had been living with his girlfriend like a cat with a dog, that it exhausted him so much that he could neither work nor live normally.
Why are you with her? You don’t feel well with her, she doesn’t understand you, she saws on trifles, she doesn’t give you even a centimeter of free space, so why don’t you leave her? Tanya asked Andrey.
- You know, I once had a girlfriend, - Andrei began his explanation, - we lived with her for a year and a half, and then she, not to mention the reasons, left. I suffered for a long time, could not forget her and understand her behavior, and then I met another.
I was very afraid of losing her and decided to get married. Even sold his favorite sports car to make a good wedding. But we turned out to be from a different test, - Andrei recalled, twirling a half-empty glass in his hands, - there were no common interests, but for some reason I stayed with her. After a year and a half, we divorced. I was worried again for a long time, but then I met my current girlfriend. Again, we have been together for a year and a half, and we have terrible difficulties in relations, in fact, it is difficult to call this a relationship, for example, military operations.
Tan, - Andrei took the girl by the hand, - why do women live with me for a year and a half and leave? Can't you be with me longer? he asked, looking into her eyes faithfully.
Men, like women, have emotional trauma inflicted by previous partners. In this case, a terrible thought crept into the man’s head that no one could live with him for more than a year and a half. He did not even realize that he was simply choosing the wrong women. With this thought, he, firstly, programmed himself for failure after a given period, and secondly, no matter how uncomfortable he was with a woman in a relationship, he remained with her, because he wanted to prove to himself that it was possible to be with him and longer. And until he himself understands this, such a person will not be able to build normal harmonious relations.
Summary
When meeting men, pay attention to the little things: what he says about previous partners, how he behaves with other women, how he speaks about his mother. After all, it has long been known that the essence is made up of little things. And in the end, we all want the same thing - love and understanding, regardless of gender. So you can safely "try on" male behavior and ask questions, in what cases and under what circumstances do you behave in a similar way? And the answers to the riddles of male behavior will be found instantly.
Text: Julia Dorosh
Throughout the year, the husband cheated on our reader while she was raising an infant. While he left and then returned, the wife’s nervous system, as she herself writes, cracked.
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one and understand his motives - in this material.
Losing a loved one is easy, but returning an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not an easy task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to deal with a problem that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed (of course, as far as it is appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to bring good mood, harmony and peace back to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate "My Story" in the subject line of the letter.
I want to tell you my story and understand how to live on.
My husband and I got married in February 2013, and our daughter was born in August. This is the second marriage for my husband, from the first he also has a daughter. We lived well, I don’t remember major quarrels, small ones were forgotten quickly, there were no financial problems: the general money was on the shelf, purchases were planned, repairs were made, there were no complaints.
Since the summer of 2016, my husband has opened his own business, and not in our city, but in Minsk. I was initially wary, I had to weigh a lot, calculate, think it over, he treated it easier - I’ll open it, and everything will work out there. At this point, I was already pregnant with my second planned child.
Financial difficulties began, plus, in search of orders, my husband spent a lot of time at work, that is, there was no permanent schedule, stability disappeared. In October, a son was born, the husband returned late from work, a misunderstanding began. I began to notice that he was chatting with someone on a laptop - I noticed a smile on his face. To my questions about what it is and who it is, he answered - at work.
Then the baby began to cry, I went to him - and so on until the morning. It was not possible to concentrate, fatigue accumulated from sleepless nights, resentment against her husband from the indifference that appeared in him even to the child, from misunderstanding.
My husband began to calmly leave for work, leaving us with an empty refrigerator and no money. If not for my mother, I don’t know how I would get out. To the question “maybe you have someone?” replied that it was just problems at work. I asked him to confess, I said that I would not throw tantrums, everything would just fall into place at once and there would be an explanation for his behavior.
Then it gets worse: in January 2017, the baby and I end up in the hospital, my husband came at the request, if something needed to be brought, and immediately tried to leave, no sympathy, no interest in me and the child. After discharge, there was tension in the house, I could not understand why. My husband became irritated, to some extent aggressive, I tried to restrain myself in front of the children, not to escalate the situation. Gradually, the husband began to return from work after 12 at night, it became a habit and was taken for granted.
I tried three times to file for divorce, but he stopped me. Once he asked to be patient: they say, he will soon figure everything out and there will be more time for his family. This never happened.
My nervous system was bent. No, I didn’t throw tantrums and scandals, in principle there was no time and no one to roll them up, everything came out through tears into the pillow, and those around me didn’t know about my situation. I understood that he was lying to me, but I was already so tired that I did not want to find out anything. And I thought it was below my dignity.
In autumn, my husband left for a month and a half on a business trip to the Russian Federation, taking money without warning ($100).
When he returned, I said that I had filed for divorce. But she didn't do that. There was only one reason for this - children (I always believed that they should grow up in a complete family). Perhaps I attached too much importance to this, I didn’t want the children to have complexes on this basis, they are just starting to live. The pain for them still does not let me go.
And on December 3, my husband appeared at home with a confession that he had been cheating on me for a year, while I raised the baby and did not forget about my eldest daughter. I met his confession calmly, even very much, it turned out that everything was happening nearby, in our city, that she was divorced, without children, 37 years old, he was 38 (I'm 34).
He cried, said that he wanted everything to be as before, that he could no longer see my tears, that he missed the children, he would do everything to regain my trust.
On the one hand, clarity came, which I lacked for a whole year, on the other hand, there was a wild pain from betrayal, I never thought that I would find myself in such a situation, probably no one thinks.
Resentment for everything that I had to endure, misunderstanding, how is it possible: how can you turn away from children, how can you lie like that ?! He calmed down. Tired of everything and thinking about the children, I immediately said, without taking time to think, that we would try to start from the beginning - just for the sake of the children.
On the same evening, he went to her, saying that he would put all the dots and break completely.
And the first week we lived the way I always wanted - interest in children, late arrivals, joint evenings, shopping, some plans for the future.
But then a week passed, and Monday came - the situation repeated itself. Again unanswered calls, again arrival at night. We quarreled, I again saw in the eyes of some impudence and mockery.
On New Year's Eve, he practically did not appear at home. On December 31, he met with us, but I caught his strange, thoughtful looks ... And on January 1, he said goodbye to us and left. Now we live separately, it is clear where. I filed for divorce. When asked why he didn’t say everything at once, why he had to return to the family and tie the children to himself, so that later he would leave them anyway, he answered that he was a fool, but he didn’t leave the children and would see them.
To be honest, as soon as the door closed behind him, there was some kind of relief. Moreover, the daughter reacted to everything calmly. I did not tell her the whole truth due to her age (4 years), but I explained that dad would rarely appear.
I probably want to get an answer to my question from you: how could you behave like that, what motivated a person, what kind of values does he have inside?
It turns out that before that there was a mask, that this "rotten" was sitting in it? If he has it real love, then usually this feeling ennobles people. It can not force to act so vile and vile.
Let me remind you, this lasted for a year! Or simply a person is not ready for a family and family problems, is unstable in the face of difficulties. His first marriage broke up for the same reason and after about the same period of time, but long before me (6 years before we met).
