Hello dear friends!
Not only psychologists, but also couples are convinced that trust is the key to happiness in relationships! But if you systematically expect a trick or a knife in the back, then you are guaranteed a nervous breakdown or stress! Trust is a very fragile thing, much more valuable than a crystal vase that can be glued together.
One careless step undermines the bridge that took years to build. And then we run in tears to our friends and psychologists, shouting: “Help, I don’t believe him!”. What to do in this case? How can I learn to trust my husband again?
If you cannot trust your chosen one, there is a reason for this. There are several provocateurs aggravating the situation. It is especially difficult to change the approach to the problem when the previous relationship experience was negative. Under what circumstances is it extremely difficult to trust a loved one?
Disappointed in a person once, you can get a serious mental injury for the remaining years. Have you been married before and it broke up after his infidelity? Did you have to expose the "double game"?
Negative experience can destroy the present and completely occupy consciousness. The female inner "I" does not calm down even at the moment when the spouse demonstrates exemplary behavior and devotion! On this basis, many conflicts are born, the main cause of which is the emotional trauma of a woman.
A common reason for distrust is hidden behind a banal memory. For example, the husband stumbled and, humiliating his dignity, cheated on his chosen one. Time passed, the situation was experienced and forgiven. But there is no opportunity to forget what happened yet, which means that subconsciously you will wait for a relapse.
Most often, the problem pops up on the surface in the decree. A woman devotes all her free time to the baby and solving everyday issues. A couple of extra kilos appear, regrown hair roots and a tired look. The husband continues to lead his usual way of life and, going to a working corporate party in all its glory, provokes several reasons for distrust of himself. Complexes, fears and experiences lead to conflicts.
How can you trust your husband if you can't trust yourself? Do you refuse to flirt with a neighbor or colleague? Chatting with an ex and looking for an excuse to have a cup of coffee with him? Why? Firstly, this is a way to increase self-esteem, and secondly, maybe you are counting on continuing the relationship or changing your partner?
The woman does not exclude a similar scenario for the development of the plot on the part of the partner. With whom does he have lunch at work and why is his neighbor smiling so sweetly at him? This is not the whole list of reasons for mistrust. How to get rid of them, having learned to believe in a loved one with all your heart and soul? What do the psychologist's advice say in this case?
Women's suspicion is fraught with unpleasant, and most often, undeserved accusations. Psychologists characterize such states as a sign of an anxious personality. In this case, a person sees the world through the prism of personal fears and the most nightmares! He sees betrayal, provocation and deceit. , having ceased to wind itself?
You can show distrust in your husband in various ways, but finding the root of the problem is much more important than eliminating the symptom. You do not believe in your chosen one, because you are convinced of his failure?
In this example, the fact means that you want to appear better by demonstrating superiority. Think why do you need it? If, nevertheless, we are talking about the fear of betrayal, expressed in nervous jealousy, determine the chain of thoughts. What is the meaning behind the phrase "I'm afraid that he will cheat on me!"?:
Think what will happen if this happens? When you get to the final ring of experiences and open it, the true cause of distrust may be low self-esteem, fear of loneliness or personal insecurity.
On this point!
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Have you forgiven your husband, decided to save your family after his betrayal, are you starting life from a new leaf? Great! But why is it so restless in the soul, doubts and suspicions prevent you from enjoying family happiness? How to start trusting your husband again after cheating?
Marital infidelity causes severe heartache and disappointment, leaves a deep imprint on life. This is an experience, a memory of an event so traumatic for a woman that it can periodically pop up in various everyday situations, quarrels. How to restore trust after betrayal? How to treat your husband after everything that happened?
You should understand and accept the fact that it is impossible to keep the family atmosphere in its former form. The relationship between spouses goes to another level and that's normal.
The well-known psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky argues that married life, in which adultery is possible, is inherently flawed.
Betrayal, in fact, is a deception of a loved one, which begins with an elementary everyday lie.
You must admit that neither you nor your spouse can change the past. In fact, you have every right to feel resentment, disappointment, anger, but is it worth attaching so much importance to the fact from the "old life"? Do not notice the charm of today and the wonderful prospects ahead, remaining captive to your fears?
The only thing that is in our power is not to focus on the past, to take care of our soul and move forward, to build a strong connection, to strive for complete mutual understanding between partners. Trust after a cheating husband requires a long period of recovery. You won't rush to play football after breaking your leg, will you? Small but firm steps are needed to change the format of relations.
You don't have to fight your own feelings. It is necessary to restore spiritual intimacy with the chosen one. It is important to learn to openly discuss your experiences, hopes, desires with your partner. Without reproach, calmly and unhurriedly. Ask for advice, find out his point of view on the situation. Accept the fact that a loved one sees the world differently, because he has a different value system.
He probably feels your tension, but does not know what to do, how to regain your trust, he is afraid to start a conversation and hear reproaches for old sins. If a man’s declarations of love for you are sincere, the spouse regrets what he has done, feels guilty that he succumbed to temptation and hurt his beloved woman.
Faced with betrayal, a woman, as a rule, begins to look for the roots of all problems in herself, appearance, behavior, and character. But this is not always the right tactic. There can be many reasons for cheating. How to learn to trust your husband after infidelity?
It is a frank conversation with a beloved man that will help to understand the true motives, show weaknesses and points that you should pay special attention to.
As a rule, the phrase “I don’t believe it, I’m afraid of betrayal” indicates a wife’s low self-esteem, lack of confidence in her own attractiveness. Mikhail Labkovsky argues that no one has a lifetime guarantee of marital fidelity. How to live, knowing about this fact? How to be sure that he does not want to look for a replacement for you? The answer is simple.
People with decent self-esteem know their own worth and rely only on honest, open relationships. They do not hide in their own fears and complexes. It is much more effective to work on your self-esteem than to sort things out with a partner who has cheated on you before.
Women, don't follow the men you love. Watch yourself - then the beloved will watch you.
Therefore, first of all, it is worth considering how to learn to trust yourself again?
Tips from psychologist Maria Vinogradova on how to regain confidence in yourself, restore peace of mind and raise self-esteem:
Maria Vinogradova also recommends this technique: take a sheet of paper, divide it into two columns. Left - for a list of negative character traits and shortcomings. On the right side, write down your strengths and positive traits. Then tear off and burn the left side of the sheet, and fold the right side and carry it with you, for example, in a separate pocket of your wallet or handbag. Re-read and see how good you are.
In everyone there are moments of exacerbation of sensitivity, increased emotional arousal. Try to be patient. If you are worried about nervousness, excessive jealousy, it is best to seek help from an experienced psychotherapist. You can also get a doctor's advice and drink sedatives if necessary.
Know that you are a special, unique person with your pluses and minuses, this has its own charm. Do not try to fill the spiritual emptiness with children, problems of relatives and friends. Find out what exactly hurts, what are you really afraid of? The answer to all internal contradictions, as a rule, lies within ourselves.
Stop making yourself a victim, an unworthy sufferer. Do not blame anyone, reproaches will bring temporary relief, but will not solve the main problem, how to trust your husband after infidelity. Work on yourself, develop, learn to negotiate, understand each other, build trust.
Adultery is a symptom of more serious problems in a couple's relationship. A signal about the need to rethink one's own life, reassess values. Try to avoid emotional barriers in communication, become best friends for each other, establish a strong connection, then the relationship will move to a higher level and the question “how to trust your husband after infidelity” will disappear by itself.
But do not go to extremes, replacing love with psychological dependence. Your life, happiness, and self-worth have nothing to do with your partner's loyalty. The feeling of enjoying life is born inside, in positive thoughts. Be self-worth, respect your own interests and needs, do not get hung up on a man.
From the point of view of a spouse, if the wife, as the famous song says, “breathes and lives with you”, fills the whole space with thoughts about him so much that she simply displaces herself, becomes uninteresting.
Analyze your feelings and thoughts at the moment when you learned about the adultery of your loved one. Why did this news hurt you so much? Is it because you trusted too much, had some hopes and thus tried to transfer part of the responsibility for your fate and happiness into the hands of a partner? We make such mistakes unconsciously, trying to be behind him “like behind a stone wall”, while we ourselves become helpless, fall into psychological dependence on another person. Not every man can withstand such a heavy burden of responsibility.
In fact, a psychologically mature person is responsible for his actions and making important decisions on his own. For such a person, adultery is simply an unpleasant fact of life. It hurts, but the patient will live.
To an infantile, insecure person, adultery seems like a personal tragedy, a collapse, a confirmation of inferiority. Please note that the root of the problem in this case is not so much in the affair of the chosen one, but in the internal contradictions, complexes of the woman herself.
A confident person is ready to take a reasonable risk and gives the right to make a mistake. An insecure person believes that he must be perfect in everything - and therefore constantly marking time. — Andrey Yashurin
To understand how to regain trust, one should realize that family life is a two-seater boat, the fate and success of which depends on the efforts of both rowers. Trust is an important part of love. Do not shift the responsibility to the chosen one. Of course, it is easier to be offended, a betrayed victim, to revel in pain, to be afraid of losing touch with your loved one. But at the same time, you are dealing with your fears, not solving the problem. Get off the accusatory position, let go of the past. Do not hold on to doubts, suspicions.
Live for today. Look in the mirror. Isn't such a sweet young lady worthy of love and respect? Love, appreciate yourself. Enjoy life, experiment with your own appearance. Find time for your own interests. A little healthy selfishness never hurt anyone.
Open to new knowledge and acquaintances. They will fill you with the lively energy of new experiences, help you get rid of negative thoughts. Be socially active, don't be afraid to take the initiative.
Look for inspiration. Do not forget to keep a “success diary”, to notice all the good things that happened during the day. We tend to focus on the negative while ignoring the bright side of life. It's time to change your picture of the world.
Watch your health, this is a guarantee of female attractiveness. Over time, even traumatic memories and doubts will seem frivolous, even comical. Remember that it's never too late to change. In addition, it is always pleasant and exciting to look for new facets of your own personality.
Male adultery is a common occurrence, due to which a huge number of couples break up. Often women do not find the strength to forgive a repentant husband. However, there are cases when a wife, after long apologies and promises that “this will not happen again”, is ready to close her eyes to what happened, trust her husband again and continue to live a “normal life” with him. But how in such a situation to start trusting her husband again after infidelity?
Before you try to recreate family happiness with your husband again, you need to honestly answer yourself the question, can you sincerely forgive a person and live with him, as before, without blaming, without reproaching, without expecting another betrayal? If the answer is anything other than a resounding “yes, of course,” then don’t waste your time and your husband’s time. It is not easy to truly forgive betrayal, but it is necessary to recreate a strong family.
Forgiveness is difficult, but only the first step. This is followed by the return of trust - hard inner work on oneself. Here are some psychologist's tips on how to forget your husband's betrayal and trust him again:
Important! No need to blame yourself for cheating on your husband! You might not be perfect, but no one deserves to be betrayed. His act is disgusting, and it is you who are the victim here. We are only talking about the fact that you should take a closer look at yourself, but in no case reproach or reproach yourself.
Important! Remember that everyone needs personal space. Don't become a real spy. Otherwise, a husband who has decided to change will sooner or later not withstand the onslaught. Designate that checks are not for long, only until you feel calmer. Over time, the desire to spy will really disappear due to uselessness.
Important!If a man does not do any of the above, then he himself is not very eager to be forgiven and does not fully admit his guilt. You need to think about whether it was worth it then to forgive him at all
If you can’t return trust when your husband cheats on your own, the advice of a professional psychologist will help. Family life is not an easy thing, and the help of a specialist can be very helpful, especially in such a difficult situation. Consult a psychologist, if possible, visit a session with your husband. The advice of a competent specialist will not hurt you.
Having revealed the betrayal of her husband, women often do not know how to behave. Someone perceives the situation aggressively and throws the things of the offender from the balcony, someone silently sobs into the pillow. How should you behave if your husband has cheated?
There are few married couples who have lived their whole lives in love and fidelity. Sooner or later, the spouses are faced with the fact that a third person becomes between them - the husband's mistress or the wife's lover. And it happens that each of the spouses acquires an extramarital partner.
Despite the fact that divorce in our society is by no means a rare occurrence, the cause of divorce is infidelity not so often. Spouses, especially wives, try to keep their families together. Some do not want to separate their children from their father or be separated from them themselves, others love their unfaithful spouse and do not want to lose him, others are afraid to be alone. The motive for saving seven is a lot. But in almost every case, the question of distrust arises. It gnaws and makes you commit stupid, life-poisoning actions. Therefore, if a woman has decided to forgive infidelity and continue to live in marriage, she needs to know how to learn to trust her husband after infidelity.
After the betrayal of her husband, the most important thing is not to return again and again in thoughts to this. Every new day is exactly a new day, this is today. And what happened was yesterday. Living in yesterday is unproductive and contrary to the law of nature. You can only move forward, otherwise the meaning of movement is lost. My husband is back, and that's good. Now you need to build new relationships with him, and not sort out the old ones. For some reason, no one wants to wear old worn-out clothes with permanent stains, but many people like to try on the image of the offended, abandoned, deceived over and over again and inflame their wounds. He will not get away from memories, but you need to learn how to filter them.
Another point - you do not need to please your husband in every possible way after the betrayal. Of course, it is necessary to take into account the reasons why the husband turned “to the left” and strive to eliminate them, but it is completely superfluous to spread a Persian carpet at the feet of the master. The carpet is at the feet, and the woman is next to her husband. Not in front, not behind, not above, not below - in modern society, such excesses lead to a lack of understanding.
You need to stop complaining. The husband is already aware of how hard his wife went through his betrayal. Probably, the parents of one of the parties or both, friends, are aware. Why again and again complain to them about their own inability to abstract from the source of pain?
No need to wait until the lost trust will return by itself. That doesn't happen. Trust is a very subtle thing and does not arise from scratch. The wife needs to remember how she began to trust her husband at the very beginning of their relationship, when he was not even a husband. These are just the memories that are pleasant and beneficial. Now is the time to freshen them up.
Thoughts like, “what if he changes again” must be driven. Moreover, do not discuss this option with your husband. For a husband, if he loves his wife and wants to maintain a relationship with her, his betrayal can serve as a good lesson on the topic "how important it is to restrain one's impulses." You should not form a stable image of a new betrayal in his head.
It is very important to stop thinking about what makes a woman unhappy. This is not only a betrayal that happened, but in general, anything: an unloved job, a rude colleague, a scratched car, rent debt. Instead, you need to concentrate on eliminating these annoyances. With her husband to build a relationship in which thoughts will not arise about infidelity. You can change your job if you undergo retraining, retraining or improve your skills and change the position of a line worker to the position of a manager. Knowledge from books and video lectures on conflict resolution and psychology will help to improve relations in the team. Well, the car will be repaired in any workshop. Yes, and the debt can be repaid if you moderate your spending on unnecessary purchases or work more.
It is very important to define your life principles and build your life in accordance with them. Knowing what you really want will tell you how and with whom to build relationships, what to demand from yourself and what to ask from others. IN family life knowing each other's principled positions will save a lot of nerves and reduce the number of disagreements.
Offer him, instead of the woman he cheated on, a woman who needs to be conquered. Men are greedy for two things - for external beauty and for what others need. Here they have some kind of instinct that works, which is why, from pious wives, husbands happen to walk with women who lead a wild lifestyle and change lovers.
Until the age of 20-25, a woman looks the way nature intended her, unless, of course, she has bad habits and health problems. An older woman looks the way she wants. Therefore, instead of eating the bitterness of male infidelity with chocolates and cakes, you should take care of your appearance: sign up for a gym or buy a home exercise machine and lose weight; change hairstyle and, if necessary, hair color; epilate and clean the skin; stop overeating and gradually switch to a healthy diet - it's much cheaper and healthier; update or sort out the wardrobe and throw away all things of the “wrong” size, color and style. So for the husband the very necessary visual age will be created.
As for the second point - the demand for a woman by other men, then it must be approached wisely. It would be nice to establish friendly relations with colleagues, hobby partners, but it is important not to create an image of an easily accessible woman. This can greatly complicate relations with her husband.
You have to be constantly interesting. This will help a lot of books, lectures, training videos that are posted on the Internet for free. It is advisable to make a couple of points of contact between your own interests and the interests of your husband, watch some records with him or discuss news in a field of interest to him. With her husband, you need not only to live in the same territory and have sex. A husband can become a reliable friend, and this is worth striving for. Love passes with time, it is an axiom. But friendship and tenderness remain and preserve the marriage.
If earlier conflicts often arose with her husband, then it is worth contacting a family psychologist right now. If these conflicts previously led to infidelity, then someday they will cause a divorce. And then - no one wants to live with a constant background grumbling. A professional psychologist will help you get rid of many habits that are harmful to relationships - “nag”, criticize, be offended, make scandals and throw tantrums.
In the event of a quarrel with your husband, you should not react violently or with resentment to his criticism. Criticism needs to be learned from, because it is something that can help you become better. In any remark, even seemingly unfair, there is an element of truth that is worth listening to.
You should never, in the heat of the hottest quarrel, reproach your husband with treason. This fact should be forgotten and banished from memory, and not serve as the last argument when the arguments are over.
As for the mistress, she also does not need to be remembered, even if she was a friend of her wife or a colleague of her husband. She never existed, she is an abstraction, a mirage, a fiction. Only such an attitude towards her will allow a man to pass by her and look through her, without indulging in memories of a fleeting sexual connection with her.
To trust your husband again, you need to believe his words. If he sincerely repents of his act, promises to control his desires under any circumstances, claims that feelings for his mistress are not the basis of his betrayal, then most likely there is no reason not to believe him. Over time, trust can be restored in the course of building a new strong relationship with her husband.
If the spouse convinces that there is nothing so terrible in his act, that all men are polygamous, that for him this is just entertainment, and he only loves his wife, you should not believe him. These are the arguments of a womanizer, a womanizer who will cheat on his wife in the future. Life with him will never be calm, and when he is not at home, suspicions will begin to torment his wife, and imagination will helpfully slip a picture in which the husband will be with his mistress.
Therefore, before deciding whether to trust a husband after infidelity, it is first of all necessary to proceed from the personality of the husband himself.
