Mom has always been the head of the family. She has the last word, she makes the decisions. Dad by himself, doesn’t interfere in anything and doesn’t delve into anything. We were brought up strictly. Mom always tried to force me into her "good girl" ideas. Since childhood, my sister and I have been different. I climbed trees and rooftops, jumped down stairs, rolled on railings, rolled in the snow, tore my clothes. And my sister was always neat and calm, she told my mother about my misdeeds, about my girlfriends - she told Mom EVERYTHING. And about myself too, of course. And I gradually lost confidence - first in my sister, and then in my mother. Mom didn't know how to keep my secrets either. She immediately told everything to her sister, dad, relatives. Even when I had my first period, my mother told all our relatives about it when we were visiting my grandmother. How ashamed I was then! And I learned to be secretive, learned to meet my mother's requirements. At school, I was an outcast. We did not live well, my mother sewed and altered a lot of clothes herself. I did not like to wear what my mother chose, and I was afraid to ask for the thing I liked. Peers had beautiful notebooks with pictures, backpacks, and I wore oilcloth notebooks and women's briefcases bought by my mother. Nail polish and cosmetics were an unattainable dream for me. Mom did not forbid them to use, but I never had money (only for a pie in the canteen) to buy myself. In addition, I was afraid that my mother would not approve of the purchase. I bought my first jeans at the age of 16. Later, if I bought something, I tried, if possible, not to show my mother. And now I don’t say it again so that my mother doesn’t say that it’s expensive, marco, inconvenient, or why spend money on it at all. In class, I felt like an ugly duckling, and in relations with the guys I was an insecure girl. At school, college, institute, I was an excellent student. At school, he was despised for this and considered an upstart. When I entered college, I was surprised to note that I was respected here. I learned to communicate, friends appeared, but still study was a priority in my life. I am still very demanding of myself. It is important for me to always look good, I carefully keep order in the apartment, at home there is always something to eat, at work I am a very responsible and conscientious, successful employee. Conflicts with my mother began at a young age. I tried to defend my opinion, my tastes, but my mother always condemned me, did not understand, said that I did not appreciate her care and formed a feeling of guilt in me. When I met my future husband - it was like a breath of fresh air, I felt that I could escape from my mother's oppression ... I must say right away that I did not run away, but married Great love I have been in love with this man for 10 years now. I am happily married. Mom always put children at the forefront. She has always lived with us. Over time, the center of her life shifted towards her sister. I carefully guarded my world, my family from her invasion. The sister, on the other hand, lives in close union with her mother. She calls her every day. When my sister and I exchanged our parents' apartment - mom and dad moved to my grandmother's - my parents gave most of the money to my sister. My husband and I had some money, and with this money, my mother equalized our shares with my sister so that we could buy apartments of equal value. When my sister was on maternity leave with her second child, every day in the evening my mother drove from work through half the city, picked her up from the kindergarten and brought the eldest, although it took 15 minutes for her sister to go to the garden. Her eldest child, from the age of one and a half, spends all weekends and holidays with mom and dad. Now his mother takes him to the pool in the center, which is next to his sister's house. Mom comes specially so that her sister does not leave the house with the youngest. When my sister went to work after the second decree, my mother retired to look after her youngest child. And by that time I had been working for two years. And all this time I felt like a beggar when I asked the mother to sit with the child. Leaving him for the weekend or asking for help if my son is sick is my headache. We can leave the child only if the mother is not busy with the sister's children. The mother-in-law is happy to help, but she lives far away, in the countryside. I feel rejected, humiliated. We never talk about the current situation with my mother, we pretend that everything is OK, we talk about nothing. She is not interested in our life, work, friends. If earlier I tried to tell her something, then I was repelled by her disapproving attitude towards my actions and the people around me. She could call my girlfriend "pushing around" if I said that she goes to a nightclub or goes on vacation with friends to nature, to cities. She despises my wonderful boss because a person, due to legal nuances, cannot yet formalize me, etc. Then she completely stopped hearing, listening to me if I told her something about work or friends. She could interrupt and talk about something else, or she really DIDN'T HEAR and at the same time discussed something else. Everything that I tell my mother, in five minutes my sister will know and vice versa. They are not jarring to immediately call me back and discuss, clarify my news. When I tried to protest against this as a child, my mother answered that we were one family and there was nothing to hide. What kind of openness can we talk about? Of course, my mother is offended that I do not tell her anything. But how to talk to someone who doesn't want and can't listen, can't help judging, can't store information? I am pissed off by my sister's user attitude towards my mother, I consider her a hypocrite and despise her. My sister does not know how to listen in a conversation, does not allow anyone to speak, constantly interrupts. She tells everyone about the smallest unnecessary details of her life, the life of her friends, her friends' friends, her friends' friends, and so on. In everyday life, she is also not a very pleasant person: she can blow her nose loudly in front of everyone, drink water from the spout of a common jug, yell at her child, etc. Joint gatherings with parents are a torment for my husband and me. But by the will of my mother, we must come and sit out the due time. If mom is offended or she doesn’t like something, then she will never talk about it. She will purse her lips, be silent, not call, talk dryly and with restraint. This person never shows his emotions clearly. If at least once my mother openly expressed her attitude to what is happening to me, I would fall upon her with a flurry of accumulated feelings, because my patience is at the limit. But this is not. My husband is very worried, seeing that I am nervous and how my mood deteriorates every time I have to meet or ask my mother for something. I try not to see her and not call her once more, only when necessary. I am only fulfilling my filial duty, paying tribute to my parents. But resentment against my mother corrodes me and undermines my strength. And my mother is offended by me in response. Tell me how to work out, get rid of all this negativity? How to make the relationship with the mother more positive, more complete?
For some reason, the relationship between two close people becomes strained. It seems that the representatives of the two generations cease not only to understand, but to hear each other. Almost every family faced a similar picture: the relationship between an adult daughter and mother is overshadowed by constant quarrels.
To find a solution, you need to understand the cause. Psychologists assure that it is impossible to find a universal way to take into account all the nuances of family relationships.
However, most often daughters do not show a desire to understand their mother, and older women do not try to look at the world from the point of view of youth.
What are the main causes of cracks in the relationship with the mother? Consider the most common of them:
Relations with the mother do not add up, as she considers it her duty and right to raise a child, no matter what age he reaches. When the girl has her own family, she will begin to understand the behavior of her mother to a greater extent. But until then, concern seems superfluous and ridiculous.
Of course, it will be possible to make life peaceful only if both sides are ready to make concessions. To do this, it does not hurt to sit down at the negotiating table and calmly listen to the accusations of the opposing side and put forward their own.
Then figure out what exactly caused the misunderstanding, and try to resolve the relationship until they finally reached an impasse. However, all attempts at peaceful negotiations often lead to a new wave of scandals.
In this case, the best solution would be to contact a psychologist. Unfortunately, the Russian family is not yet accustomed to bringing problems to the attention of an outsider and considers psychology to be fun.
If the girl is already an independent person with a stable income, the best solution would be to move from her parent's nest. Such a step will allow the mother to realize that her child has really grown up and does not need constant care.
In this case, a bad relationship with your mother will gradually come to naught, since meetings between relatives will occur much less frequently. The girl will begin to feel like the mistress of her life, and will not be so negative about her mother's advice.
It is recommended to constantly ask your parents for advice. It doesn’t matter if an adult daughter or teenager will consult her mother on cooking borscht, cleaning the room, the meaning of a movie or a book read. Seeing that the daughter trusts her opinion, the mother will be sure that she keeps the situation under control and her girl is growing sensible enough not to do stupid things.
Relationship problems with your mother can be eliminated by showing reciprocal care. For example, during a walk, call and ask whether or not you need to buy something in the store, how she feels. Living separately from her parents, it is advisable for a girl to look at them more often, bringing small but cute gifts. Mom will begin to be proud of the care that an adult daughter shows, and relations between the two generations will definitely change for the better.
Often the only way to prove to a mother that a girl is an adult is for the daughter to realize that her manner of behavior is practically no different from that of a child. An adult person makes deliberate actions, and does not depend on momentary whims. Therefore, it is worth evaluating your own behavior and figuring out whether the cause of conflicts is adult behavior or children's “I want”?
However, it is worth noting that the psychology of relations with the mother is individual and general advice can only push a person in the right direction. Conflicts will have to be resolved based on the prerequisites and complexity of the situation.
For example, often the mother does not allow the child to live separately, because at the slightest mention of a change of residence, she starts a heart attack.
Why the connection between the two closest people turns out to be not even ambivalent, but polyvalent, psychologist Ekaterina Ignatova argues.
Once you were one with her, lived in her stomach for nine months, enjoying symbiosis and total acceptance. Then she was born: the obstetrician slapped you on the pope, you began to breathe and mourn the loss of that state in which there was no loneliness. Thus began the separation from your mother - the process in which your character was formed. By her actions or inaction, your mother influenced your personality and future fate. It was from her that you learned what love is. If she was warm and accepting, you concluded that love and intimacy were safe. If she was cold and inattentive, she decided that intimacy was a very risky adventure. She talked about what you are like, and you unconditionally believed her.
"Good and neat" or "sloppy and restless" - these definitions were carved on the granite of our unconscious. IN adolescence many have tried to amend these statements, but no eraser can erase what is carved in granite. Later, we more calmly began to discuss with my mother, to defend our point of view, often to disagree. However, no matter what they say, no matter how they behave, and at thirty, and at forty, we unconsciously want to achieve her attention and approval or prove the right to our own opinion, to be heard and understood.
The process of separation from the mother begins at the same time
with our birth and lasts much longer than it might seem at first glance. You can get married, give birth to your own children, move to another continent for permanent residence and still remain connected with it by an invisible umbilical cord. And this is not about love, closeness and gratitude to the person who gave us life. This invisible thread is woven from insults, claims and misunderstandings. Every mother loves her child, and none of them can give him exactly what he would like. The acceptance that existed in the first nine months of his life. This impossibility gives rise to painful sensations that psychoanalysts call narcissistic trauma. Moreover, many mothers often end up bankrupt. Tired, unsure of themselves, anxious, they want, but cannot be a support - neither to themselves, nor to their daughters.
Real separation and growing up, which is not related to reaching puberty, issuing a certificate or getting a stamp in the passport, begins with an attempt to understand your parents, to see people in them, with their advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately, accepting a mother is not always easy, but only by doing this, you can truly accept yourself and not repeat her mistakes.
LOVE-offense
Lena started reading at the age of three, adding and subtracting at four, and at five she went to a music school, where she became an excellent student and a star. Mom always admired her talents, told everyone how smart her daughter was. The ideal picture began to fade at the moment when Lena graduated from high school - the girl entered the university, where she barely passed the sessions for triples, moved from her parents to the first man she came across with an apartment, soon married him, gave birth to a child and sat at home. No one could understand how this smart and talented girl from such a wonderful family could choose such an absurd fate for herself. And why she was talking to her mother through her teeth was also incomprehensible. After all, she did everything for her. Hand on heart, Lena herself could not figure out her motives. To find answers to questions, she turned to a psychotherapist for help. At the consultations, she talked about her childhood, about her mother, who constantly sat in the next room and read. The fact that she always lacked simple human attention. And that the parents were puzzled only by what other circle to enroll the child in. Lenin's mother realized her own ambitions through her daughter, while completely ignoring the needs of the girl. She saw in Lena her improved copy or, in the language of psychoanalysis, her narcissistic extension. Growing up, Lena chose a very strange way to prove her right to individuality - she went on strike. She tried in vain to get the unconditional acceptance from her parents, which she so lacked in childhood.
Unsure of themselves and at the same time ambitious mothers do not know what they are doing. Not noticing the needs and characteristics of their own child, they provoke the emergence of a strong resentment in him. The rejection with which they treat their little daughter rebounds years later. Having matured, the girls refuse to visit their parents on weekends and talk to them through their lips. The feeling of resentment turns out to be soldered into love, and it is possible to share these feelings only when you are in the psychologist's office.
LOVE-JEALY
Alice was the second child in the family. When she was born, her older sister Marina was already learning Chopin. And this is in the second grade of a music school! Parents began to nurture the young talent, and Alice was brought up according to the residual principle. She tried to compete with her sister, but nothing came of it. The handicap was too big. Alice was not angry, she accepted the situation as it was. More precisely, she forced out anger and jealousy, doing what worked well: helping her mother with cooking and cleaning. Then life put everything in its place - the talented Marina, after graduating from the conservatory, married an alcoholic, quit the orchestra in which she played, gave birth to a child and buried her hopes of winning the Tchaikovsky competition. Alice, unexpectedly for everyone, made a career in show business - however, as a director and administrator. We must pay tribute to her mother: realizing her mistakes, she asked Alice for forgiveness. True, a little late. By that time, my daughter had turned 35, and her whole life was subordinated to the idea of proving her own usefulness.
Even with irrefutable evidence of their success, unloved daughters feel insecure. They walk through life in invisible T-shirts with the inscription "Number Two". Not by washing, but by rolling, they return their mother to themselves - they take on the solution of all her problems, provide financial and moral support. And having got a precious prize, they don’t really know how to dispose of it. Hidden jealousy, anger and resentment do not allow you to fully enjoy the victory. Recognizing and re-living these negative feelings, releasing them, can provide an opportunity to build a warm and close relationship with the one who once made such a mistake, confusing the process of raising children with playing on the hippodrome.
LOVE-NEGATION
Olya used to say all her life: “I am my father's daughter”. As a child, she complained that her mother did not know how to play, and as a teenager she claimed that her mother was a boring person. Her whole life was subordinated to the principle: listen to your mother and do the opposite. Mother was a physicist - Olya became a lyricist, her mother loved to cook - Olya could only cook a sandwich and scrambled eggs, her mother got married early - Olya changed men like gloves. The daughter spoke to her exclusively in a jokingly dismissive tone.
By thirty-three, the number of Olya's cavaliers somehow drastically decreased, she began to visit the house more often, to be interested in pasta recipes.
If a girl had gone to a psychotherapist, she would have found out that girls adopt the scenario of life from their mother, to a greater or lesser extent repeat her behavior patterns and partly their fate. Convinced daddy's daughters, as a rule, follow the anti-script, that is, they try to do everything differently from their mother. However, our unconscious does not suspect
about the existence of the “not” particle and transforms the program “not like mom” into “like mom”. Sooner or later, daddy's daughters come to what they were running from. For example, they become boring and homely. Moreover, the more they become similar to their own mother, the more irritation it causes in them. In order not to step on this rake, it is very important to be not against someone, but for something. Teenage rebellion and denial is very important to turn
to a peaceful rally with positive slogans. Then and only then can you become yourself and at the same time agree with your mother.
LOVE-DISCLIEF
Katya's mother was a bright, emotional, controversial woman. She liked to play all sorts of performances, there were always many guests in their house. She could hug her three-year-old daughter, and then build scary faces and pretend to be Baba Yaga. She could praise Katya at a party, and then tell some funny story, from which it clearly followed: her daughter is a rather ridiculous creature. In general, the girl lived like on a volcano, never knowing what to expect from her mother. At the age of six, she decided not to share anything intimate with her. When Katerina turned 15, she began to spend most of her time with friends, and at 18 she ran away from home to her boyfriend. Mom wondered why her beloved child treated her so cruelly. The child tried to call home as little as possible.
Moms who send double messages to their little daughters tend to get a distant, formal attitude in return. This does not mean that they become indifferent to their grown-up girls, no. It's just that they are afraid to shorten the distance and get once again in the gut. “Contradictory” mothers, of course, know ways to breed their daughters for emotion: from time to time, quite unexpectedly, they attack them with reproach or, conversely, with inappropriate caress, break the emotional jackpot and retreat.
LOVE-WINE
Throughout Masha's childhood, her mother worked three jobs - her father was a research assistant, and at that time it was impossible to survive on his salary. The woman did not have any time and energy for veal tenderness and attention to children. At some point, her father was offered to work abroad, but it was time for Masha to go to school, and her older brother to go to college, and her parents refused the tempting offer. When the girl finished school, her mother hired the best tutors. There were no longer three jobs, but one, but this did not make me feel much better - my mother rarely came home before nine in the evening. Masha entered the budget, graduated from the institute with honors and very quickly got a job in a good company. Now he and his brother covered most of the family budget. Of course, Masha could not give half her salary to her parents, but rent an apartment and start living separately, as she had long wanted to. But she felt compelled to help them, just as they had once helped her. And deny yourself in much the same way as mom and dad did in their time.
Masha was tied to her parents not with threads, but with ropes. For many years, the mother shifted the responsibility for her failures to her daughter and nurtured in her a sense of duty and guilt. Once in a consultation with a psychotherapist, she returned to her childhood feeling of uselessness and realized the fact that she was now trying to prove her usefulness to her mother and exchange the “debt” for freedom. But since she indirectly accused Masha of the fact that she and her father had lost some opportunities because of her, which were given only once, the daughter had no choice but to repay the same. That is, to give up the maximum number of opportunities - read, from your own full life. At some point, Masha fiercely hated her mother and began to explain all her problems by the fact that she was raised incorrectly. The path to the realization that in adulthood we ourselves are responsible for our victories and defeats turned out to be thorny.
The only way to end this agonizing game is to step out of the guilt paradigm and start talking to yourself and your mom in terms of responsibility. At the same moment, it will become clear: in a senseless and merciless war - a conflict with mom - it is impossible to win. As long as the fight goes on, both sides only lose.
Hello! I have been gathering courage for a long time to consult specialists about my problem. The fact is that from early childhood I have had serious problems in relations with my mother. To begin with, our family was quite prosperous. We never lived The house was in order and beautifully renovated. I didn’t need anything. A good school, beautiful clothes, a lot of toys. 5 everything was perfect. And then I realized, judging by the scandals and terrible scenes in our house, that mom and dad had a breakdown in their relationship. they began to raise their hand and not only their hand... dad and mom. Both. Moreover, with special cruelty. I was 7 years old when my dad deliberately hit his head on mine. He just came up and hit me. Mom beat me with a thick belt and pulled out my hair. Over time, this became normal in our family. I am not a timid person, so I tried to stand up for myself as best I could. hands only for a while. Then we moved to live in another country. My grandmother was dying, and my mother looked after her. She lived in another city. And I lived with my dad for almost half a year. All alone. In a strange city. No acquaintances. Dad was not at home all the time. It was a difficult time, on the one hand, but on the other hand, no one touched or beat me. At that time I studied and didn’t walk at all. Because I was scared. I was a very insecure teenage girl. Then my mother came to us. Dad was torn. At home, the scandals were just wild again. With beatings and threats from my mother that she would commit suicide. I was just scared! That one day it will actually happen!
At the age of 17, I began to communicate with my future husband. But at first, insecurity really bothered me. I didn’t have a very high opinion of my appearance. Because my mother called me a fat ass all the time. were hungover. They asked me to go to the store for a beer, but I refused. Because I was tired. I can’t stand my parents in this state. I just could not communicate with them. I was both scared and even sick. Both parents, in front of their very decent friends, threw me on the sofa. Mom hit me on the head, and dad kicked me ... Then a miracle happened in my life. My beloved proposed to me and I agreed. He lived in Europe, and therefore I went after him. But it so happened that before my departure it was just my birthday. Mom quarreled with me because I didn’t wash the dishes. And he and dad didn’t talk to me all my DR. Dad came and threw me in the face of a banknote, they say, this is my gift. I didn’t take it. I packed up and went with my friends to a restaurant. Then I finally left. But I still hoped that at a distance my relationship with dad and mom would at least slightly improve. At first, yes. any chance to mend our relationship? And what should I do for this? And what am I doing wrong?
