If parting became inevitable and both partners decided to take this step, then most likely the question will be: "How to live and what to do?". Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists say that a person subconsciously sees it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of parting.
The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they broke up with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and sooner or later everything will be the same as before. He thinks that the second half will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.
The stages of experiencing parting are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Resentment gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of unwillingness to maintain a relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some skip the second stage and go straight to the third.
Trying to renew the past relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, going through the stages, a man sets himself a certain time frame (interval), during which he will have a chance to reconcile and renew relations with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he is trying to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.
Awareness of one's helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that it is pointless to deny separation and nothing can be corrected. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.
Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strengths and hopes for a brighter future appear.
Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last either three months or three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.
The stages of acceptance of a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the most difficult thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And if some people experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, then others are again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.
Dealing with a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to the already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if the ex-partner suggested it, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one's own dignity is added to it. Thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed are knocked out of the usual life rut.
The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, start a new happy life.
The faster a person releases his beloved, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painfully the stage of separation will pass. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on the sad patterns of the past: having let go, sooner or later you will find much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.
If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise you to analyze the relationship, while it is important to remember not only the negative, but also the positive moments, as well as what led to the breakup. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent the repetition of mistakes in the future.
The unwillingness of the former partner to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what went wrong in the relationship.
The stages of parting in women are more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases when the representatives of the weaker sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.
Psychologists advise girls in a particularly difficult situation to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as many positive emotions as possible, being strong and independent.
By acting on this principle and as if living a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your peace of mind, but also find a new partner who can heal all spiritual wounds.
Another important factor in happiness is self-praise and admiration. It is no secret that it is quite difficult to love yourself again, experiencing separation. Self-love is the item without which the fifth stage cannot pass.
A very important point in the second stage of parting in men is the forgiveness of a former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.
In order to survive this difficult life stage, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Do not be humiliated and do not try to return it. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.
The longer the love union was, the harder it is to survive separation and go through all the stages of separation. Psychology in this case offers a lot of trainings that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into yourself. For example, separation is a chance for an old dream to come true, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start new life. With a break in relations, no matter how sad it may sound, there is more time that you can take visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, sign up for various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not succumb to despair.
Surviving breakups after a long relationship is always more difficult than breaking up fleeting romances. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide before. Failure in your personal life is to reach heights in your career and become a true professional. This is the time of travel and fulfillment of desires. An opportunity to make a childhood dream come true, dance, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble aircraft models.
Experiencing a break with a loved one, the main thing is not to become discouraged and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with relatives, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that was before. No matter how interesting a person may be with an interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.
Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and firmness of character. But when it comes to breaking up relationships, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and at the initiative of a woman, emotions appear very sharply. It is especially difficult to survive separation emotionally dependent on the second half of men. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the void inside with compliments and pleasant words.
Usually men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why when adrenaline in the blood goes off scale and rage tries to get out, it is likely that the stages after parting in men will be accompanied by:
Family psychologists say that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negative that happens in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more receptive than the female.
The stages for men and women are about the same. In this difficult period, the main thing is to fall in love again and learn to respect yourself, because as we treat ourselves, others treat us the same way.
Having fallen in love and accepted himself, a person will be able to live on and meet someone with whom he shares his feelings.
Only after a while you can understand that the break was a necessity and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous ones.
In order to go through all the stages of parting as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:
The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.
You can also find interesting tips on how to get through the stages of a breakup on numerous forums.
To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:
It is important to remember that the views on relationships in men and women are very different. And therefore, only that union can successfully develop in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, start a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any time and find a solution to the problem together.
We broke up about five years ago. Since then, each of us has been improving our personal lives, but at the same time, from time to time, we did not forget to congratulate each other on important holidays, and also periodically take an interest in business. And then he broke up with his next girlfriend and decided to have coffee with me. Since then, the coffee ritual has become a tradition for us.
When you meet a person and are in love, at the beginning of a relationship you look at him through the prism of romance and turn a blind eye to many things. Then you get to know each other better, start living together. There are moments that somehow annoy. There is no way to avoid this. It happens to every couple. With each passing day and month, these moments are either smoothed out, or the list of what I would like to change is replenished. And one day, unable to stand it, the partners disperse and become former. Not everyone succeeds in maintaining friendly relations in a couple, but if you, like me, are lucky in this, do not miss the chance to change your life for the better.
Immediately after breaking up with my ex, I thought about at what point everything went wrong. I analyzed our relationship and tried to understand what could be changed so that we could be together. In the end, I came to the only conclusion: you need to change it. Of course, there was no question of reconsidering their views on life and relationships. Although psychologists tell us that both are always to blame for a conflict, not everyone can accept this fact, because each of us is always right, and the cause of all troubles lies in the other person. Without realizing why these relationships did not work out, we cannot correctly build new ones. And we begin to repeat old mistakes from time to time, projecting past experience onto today's relationships. At the same time, we ourselves do not understand what the matter is, why the puzzle of life again does not add up for us.
It took me and my ex a few years, so that one day over a cup of coffee we discussed everything that could not be discussed when we were together. For constant showdowns and scandals, we did not hear each other at all. But it turned out, everything is simple.
First conclusion, to which I came, resuming communication with the former: people should not be tried to change, and they themselves almost never change. And it doesn't matter how old they are. The model of behavior rehearsed for years will not be corrected by anything. Even strong love. At first, a person may try to seem better than he really is, but after a while everything will return to normal again. And start to annoy you again.
Based on the first point, I did second conclusion: if you want to build a relationship with a man, accept him only as he is. Seriously, this seems like a simple truth, but in practice it is almost impossible to translate it. Thousands of psychologists around the world every day face the fact that their clients simply cannot get along with another person. Every day they try to fight him, put ultimatums, sometimes threaten him, but do not want to accept him for who he is. As a result, both get tired of such a struggle and part. Freed from the relationship, letting go of the situation, people look at each other differently. For example, I definitely realized: you should not expect changes from the ex. It remains just to accept it with all the jambs. We are all imperfect.
Moment three. Communicating with the former, we do not hide anything from each other. Because in this, at least, there is no point: everyone already knows everything. Therefore, I can safely ask about his relationship problems in order to understand how not to do it, and also ask for clarification on some points. male psychology. No matter what anyone says, women and men are really from different planets. Therefore, I could not miss the unique chance to immerse myself in the process of studying men.
And if you, like most girls in the age of social networks, are jealous of him for likes, or for viewing other people's female photos, it will be useful for you to know the following. Remember: if he looks at another girl, whether she is dressed or naked, there is nothing in it. He does not want to sleep with her immediately, does not compare you with her. He just looks. Because men are visual. We don't understand this. In a second, he forgot what he was scrolling through in the feed and whom he liked, and you remembered and sawed his brain for a week. And yes, men watch porn. Not because he lacks something in bed with you, not because he wants to cheat on you, and not even in order to achieve an orgasm. This process for men is something like an emotional discharge. Almost the same as for you to go out for a drink. It also needs to be accepted and forgotten.
fourth What I took away from communication with the ex: views on relationships. Suppose you have long and carefully taken out a man's brain. You do it diligently, sparing no effort. At first he endures, smoothes the corners, and then comes to the conclusion that it is time to leave. From the realization that you can lose everything in an instant, you are ready for a lot. And the guy gives another chance. Last. For several weeks or months, you diligently try to change, fight with your principles, turn a blind eye to everything that annoyed you before. You again try to build a relationship, but eventually break up again. And not because you haven't changed, but because he couldn't appreciate it. There can be many reasons for this. Starting with the fact that he still does not trust you, ending with the fact that cockroaches in his head think in stereotypes about you and still cannot reorganize in a new way. Of course, no one guarantees that such a situation will certainly develop in the life of each of us, but you should not write it off. Thank you, ex, for explaining to me why you can part with a man, even turning yourself upside down.
It's funny, but being in a relationship, I, a paranoid jealous with experience, suspected my ex of all mortal sins. After parting with him, I realized that it really wouldn’t hurt for me to check my head and stop being jealous of everything in the world. Conclusion five: Do not pump up and do not wind yourself up. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Especially if you really need a person. Yes, men are polygamous by nature, they are males. But after all, if he is with you, there is no need to be jealous of those whom he simply glanced at or addressed in a conversation. Never take out his mind. Otherwise, someone like me will come to your place - wise with life experience, who will accept it with all the jambs and cockroaches. You don't want this, do you?
Victoria Razumova
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! My name is Tatyana and I'm 26. Two weeks ago my loved one left me. He is 25, it was his first relationship, which lasted 4.5 years. We ourselves spoiled everything with constant domestic quarrels, disputes, rivalry. But I went further. I worked a lot, bought an apartment, we moved (before that we lived with his parents). I gave up all my interests, hobbies, personal time. She ran home from work, cooked, washed, met him, on the weekend the same thing: cleaning, washing, household chores. He lay down in front of the TV, and I fanatically rubbed the plates under the pretense of creating comfort, family comes first and all that. She talked about children, a wedding (he didn’t want to yet). I drove him to and from work in my car. He left for the weekend to his parents, went about his business, fishing. And he became my only hobby. Everything was for him. I didn't have any friends. I began to take out my anger on him, because I did not feel the same insane return. And he could not stand it, after another quarrel he left me, asked me not to run after him and no longer humiliate myself. Everything is correct. But I remained, alone, within four walls. I stopped cooking, shopping, cleaning. Abuse with alcohol. I washed the dishes when the clean one was already over. Woke up for work, didn't want to go home. It's like I don't exist without him. I am not a living separate person, but an addition to another person. The mood is constantly changing, I want to urgently fall in love again, or I want him back, or I don’t want to see anyone. Sometimes I feel so calm without these worries, sometimes I sob uncontrollably. There are thoughts of suicide. I try to distract myself with sports, needlework, books, but I can’t, because, as if, “there is no one to try for.” There have even been attempts at online dating. I want to get myself back. I want to be a complete person again. With or without him. I want to learn to live for myself, not for someone else. I understand this, but I can not achieve the result.
Hello Tatiana! The separation period is divided into several stages. Your condition is similar to the depressive stage, which is characterized by unwillingness to do anything, a feeling of emptiness inside, it is at this stage that thoughts of suicide appear. It will take time to get over a breakup, you need to stop being your own enemy and try to make friends with yourself, to accept yourself. You have dissolved in relationships, lost yourself, now you have a difficult, but at the same time exciting work on yourself. Start small. Ask yourself what you would like for breakfast, buy a dress you like, take a vacation and go on a trip. Your task in the near future is to learn to understand your desires. You write "there is no one to try" - try for YOURSELF. Consider a unique person in yourself, you are the only one, there is no other such Tatyana and there will not be. You are so persistent, you have achieved so much, use your determination in learning and accepting yourself. Focus on yourself and your desires.
Don't rush into a new relationship until you love yourself. The fact is that we will not be loved until we love ourselves.
Do not try to return to past relationships, trying to hold on to them will not lead to anything good. You deserve to be with the one you love and who loves you.
Anton Mikhailovich, good evening. Please help me understand the situation. My MCH and I have been living together for 5 years. We did not have a candy-bouquet period, we almost immediately began to live together, although before that we had been talking for about a year. As he said that he wanted to live with me, because he was comfortable with me. At first he said that he would marry me in a year or two, he said that he loved me. I didn't even have a conversation about it. So 3 years passed, and there were no proposals from his side. I was the first to start talking about the wedding, but he was categorically against it. I was very offended, I moved away from him, we even broke up for a while, under his pretext to think about whether he needed a serious relationship with me. But, as it turned out later, during this time he briefly had another girl, who soon disappeared. He promised that everything would be fine, and we began to live together again. Six months later, nothing changed, I started talking about the wedding, he sort of agreed, we filed an application, but a month later he refused. I left him for 3 months, but then I still came back. He asked, said he loved. Then everything was fine for 9 months, I still waited for an offer, did not raise this topic, but I never received anything. Again, she raised this topic herself, said that she would do everything for me, filed an application, but a week later he again refused. Says he has a phobia. He understands that there is nothing terrible in marriage, but he cannot do it. Now he's acting like nothing happened. He says that he loves, but does not want to marry and children. All later. He says that I have changed, that I am always to blame for something. And I have resentment and dissatisfaction. There is no longer any desire to even communicate normally after all this. A constant desire to leave this relationship, although I loved him very much and sincerely wanted a family and children, which I spoke about from the very beginning. And now I'm already confused. I don’t understand why he says he loves, but does something else? Perhaps I put myself in such a way that he is not afraid to lose me, or is he just comfortable with me? Thanks for the answer.
Irina, Moscow, Russia, 31 years old
Hello Irina.
//He promised that everything would be fine, and we began to live together again// He promised, and you believed... Did you find out the reasons why he so abruptly refused? Have you asked him what he is afraid of? Were you able to talk frankly about his doubts - what are they connected with, is it possible to change something, does he even want to change it for you? //He asked, said he loves.// And again promises, and again no information about the reasons. Are you so easily carried away by promises? Is "I'll try, I won't do it again" enough for you? But this is the position of a child - to ask for forgiveness and not analyze any reasons, not to think, not to "steam" and not to change anything in the end. If only to "shut up" the brewing conflict for a while, to make promises, if only to return the previous state of affairs. //Says he has a phobia. He understands that there is nothing terrible in marriage, but he cannot do it. // There are, of course, phobias. But then again - did he have a traumatic experience? Which? Why did the phobia arise? Does he want to live with this phobia for the rest of his life? In fact, if a phobia interferes with life, people go to a psychologist and deal with the phobia. It turns out that the phobia does not prevent him from living and even, perhaps, helps? Those. serves as an "excuse", to put it simply? //although I loved him very much and sincerely wanted a family and children, which I spoke about from the very beginning// But he did not reciprocate on this topic, alas. And you have to face the truth - it's true. By and large, even the first time he refused, it was already clear that the person was not considering this option seriously / not ready / arranges everything as it is, etc. But you continued to wait and were satisfied with the promises. And this, it turns out, was already your choice in the presence of information that he still does not share your plans. //does not want to get married and does not want children// Apparently, he is quite satisfied with what he has. How long it will suit him, whether there may be some changes - we cannot say with you. But you will have to decide for yourself an important question: is this person so important to you that you are ready to wait for him as long as he needs? Or is it still more important for you to live your life in a certain way, to be close to a person who would share your plans for life to a greater extent? //I don't understand why he says he loves, but does something else?// Perhaps he loves in his own way. But not always the understanding of love that he has will coincide with yours. Now all this does not coincide at all, because for you the continuation of love is family and children, but for him it is not. And believe me, not everyone has love = family. //Perhaps I put myself in such a way that he is not afraid of losing me, or is he just comfortable with me?// If the relationship is built on fear, this is also somehow sad. "Afraid of losing" is not the same as cherishing, being interested in the well-being of another ... But such relationships are work. Whether he is ready to do it is hard to say. But if you don’t find out the reasons, don’t go into conflict, don’t try to solve it constructively, don’t try to defend the needs that are important to you and at the same time mutually take into account the important needs of the other, there will be no relationship. You did not take into account your important needs, apparently. Therefore, the very question above - in any case, it needs to be resolved first of all.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.
There comes a time in every family when tensions begin to develop. Spouses begin to break down, make scandals. The first serious moments of quarrels come after 3, 5 and 7 years together.
The main signs of a crisis in family relations:
The manifestation of signs is accompanied by aggressive behavior of people. Partners descend to scandals, argue, destroy household items, it comes to assault. Or they close in on themselves, maintaining order “on the facade”, and at the same time suffering in the soul.
The biggest problem is habit. The big is seen from a distance and the husband forgets what exactly his wife once fascinated him with, and the wife does not understand how this man, flanking around the apartment in his underwear, could once be the standard of masculinity and reliability. Fatigue and claims are accumulating. Couples with children face the same problems, albeit in a different way. The child both unites and does not let you get bored, but at the same time deprives the husband and wife of the opportunity to strengthen their own union.
According to divorce statistics in Russia, couples break off relations after 5 years. According to divorce statistics, most couples who have lived together separate within 5 to 9 years. life together (28%).
It turns out after 5 years together, most couples break up.
After 5 years, a turning point begins when the relationship of a married couple is decided. If you overcome this moment, then the relationship will go uphill, but many break up at this stage.
The reasons may be different. Men and women have different views on life, which contributes to the emergence of conflicts. It is worth analyzing the causes of conflicts in both sexes of married couples. The most common:
For men:
For women, the reasons are somewhat different. Although the first - dissatisfaction in sex - no less than men is the cause of conflicts. The trick is that women are less likely to be aware of sexual frustration. Many of them do not experience orgasm, and at the same time they believe that everything is fine. But you can't fool the body. Causeless irritability, nit-picking with her husband, coldness may indicate that this is precisely the reason for the woman's discontent.
So many women lack foreplay, which, as you know, begins for them long before sex itself. Male attention, small pleasant surprises, positive comments about her appearance, going out to people where you can dress beautifully and show yourself - if the husband does not give this, the woman begins to feel like a flower that lives on the north window and does not see the sun.
Ways to overcome:
It is quite possible to overcome the crisis of relations after 5 years spent together. Psychologists recommend starting to re-learn your halves. Listen to the stories of the interlocutor, find common hobbies.
Even better - not a hobby, but a common cause.
Do not be offended for a long time learn to resolve conflicts and learn to ask for forgiveness. Household and childcare responsibilities should be divided equally so that both family members can take a break from household chores. It is possible to send children for the weekend to relatives, and go to the cinema, theater, museum.
Don't forget about spending time together And, after all, it is joint entertainment that brings people together. In your free time, you can sign up for a fitness club, a swimming pool, a dance club, the main thing is to find something that will be interesting to both, or make a compromise: you give me an evening at the theater, I'm going to airsoft with you.
Not worth it reproach a spouse for the desire to spend the evening with friends by going fishing. Reproaches are generally a very dangerous line of behavior, ideally they should be no more than 1% of everything that a wife says to her husband.
At everyone should have their own space. Let one play games on the computer, and the other read books, no one will interfere with anyone, and everyone is passionate about their own business.
If the decision to overcome the crisis is mutual and no one wants to leave, then you need to act. It is worth having a joint conversation with your spouse. Some people who have been together for a long time have a Hot Chair game every few years. True, such a game was created for large companies, but it is openness and honesty that allow people to get to know each other better, which is the key to a long relationship.
Before the start of the game, the players discuss the terms. Everyone must make a promise that they will not change their attitude towards another person. One of the spouses sits on a chair, at this time the second begins to talk about his bad character traits, bad habits and express everything that he does not like in this person.
After all the negativity is thrown out, it is worth telling the interlocutor about his positive qualities. After the game, participants can calmly discuss their bad sides and discuss ways to eliminate them, find compromises. Such a game provides an opportunity for spouses to get to know themselves better in order to remove the mask of idealism and see their own shortcomings. The main thing is not to turn it into a quarrel, but to reach the end and look for ways out of the situation. People are able to change their habits in order to keep love in their own home.
One year relationship crisis- one of the strongest, because no one simply has time to get used to his partner. One wants to change the other, the other does not want to change at all. Two different people converge, and compromises have to be found.
Crisis of three years mainly occurs due to the birth of children. The husband is not ready for fatherhood, and the mother pays attention only to her child. Therefore, scandals constantly occur in the house, aggravated by the unstable financial situation in the family. Another reason for this crisis is the natural fading of romantic feelings and the transition of relationships to a new stage: not in love, but in love.
Crisis of seven years It's getting used to each other. Everyone wants something new, but life has become monotonous and dull. Life passes around the child, and parents start earning money for education, clothes, educational games. People forget about their own needs.
Crisis of fourteen years considered the most dangerous. Basically, everything happens due to a decrease in sexual activity. The male sex is trying to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes it comes to experiments with different girls. After such men often find themselves new companions and start another family. You should not blame your spouse for cooling, it is better to offer your help, or contact a sexologist to find a solution.
About what are the ways to overcome family crises, says Denis Kostash.
