Children in a civil marriage
Explain, please, the attitude of the church to the concept of a bastard (bastard). Is such a child born without a wedding, or at least a painting of the mother and father in the registry office is enough? I cannot independently prove to some modern women that civil marriage is a sin! And what does the Holy Scripture say about this?
The Church treats all children equally. The sin of children in that they were born out of wedlock does not exist. Therefore, we can only talk about the sins of the parents. Here, indeed, we can definitely say that extramarital cohabitation is a sin.
Sin not only separates a person from God, but destroys his life. In this case, of course, it also affects children who are the fruit of illegal cohabitation. Of course, a child, from his very conception, being in an atmosphere of sin and the illegality of the life in which he lives (both from the point of view of the law of God, and sometimes in relation to civil laws) can feel as if he is outside normal society. Deprived of a real family, he misses a lot in childhood and often feels his inferiority. IN modern world this, however, is not so noticeable, because the majority of children are brought up in broken and incomplete families. But in reality, children do not receive, perhaps, the main thing that is necessary in childhood: the experience of trust, warmth and love in the family. And it is especially bad for children, who at the same time feel the inferiority of their position. For example, dad has another family, which for some reason is real, he lives in it and brings up other children, and he only comes to visit me. Or one of the parents, or even both, the child does not have at all.
It must be said that the Church recognizes every legal marriage, both married and unmarried. It goes without saying that it would be strange for two believers to marry and not get married. This would indicate that in fact they are outside the church. In this sense, avoiding a wedding is a sin. When a person comes to faith and repents of his past life outside the Church, he can also repent of entering into marriage without a wedding, as a consequence of unbelief and denial of the Church. But it does not follow from this that his marriage suddenly became not real. It happens that one of the spouses comes to faith, while the other remains in unbelief, but this does not mean that the believing spouse should dissolve the marriage. Look at the first letter of the apostle Paul to the Corinthians, chapter seven, verses 12-16. This is what the Scripture says about it.
The idea of equating a legal, though unmarried marriage with fornication, comes not from Holy Scripture and the teachings of the Church, but from our monstrous pride and malice. One must strongly hate people, and consider oneself entitled to judge them, in order to declare the entire population of the country fornicators, and children as bastards. After all, the majority of marriages in Russia (even if we leave the rest of the world aside) have remained unmarried for more than eighty years.
Trying to argue about this with modern women, and trying to prove to them that they are all harlots, and their children are bastards, just looks like a bad joke. Christian preaching cannot, in general, consist in condemning and proving. It can only consist in the evidence of our good life (Mat. 5:16). By correcting your life exactly according to the commandments of God, you will rejoice the Angels of God in heaven (Luke 15:10), and bring great good not only to yourself, but also to those people who surround you. Perhaps even some modern women will soften their hearts when they see with their own eyes the family happiness that life brings in the commandments of God, blessed in the sacraments of the Church. Although I would advise you not to think especially much about modern women, because it does not bring any benefit to the soul.
Is there any burden of responsibility before the Lord of the children themselves in this life, in the afterlife, for the fact that the parents were not married. This worries me more. Children are not to blame that their parents did not bother to accept (consciously or not) the Christian way of life. Will such a child, even though he is a bastard, be treated the same way as one born in marriage, precisely from other forces - both light and dark, by the way, too? Otherwise, as grandmothers in churches say, parents are in sin, and children will suffer all their lives both There and here. Society now doesn’t care (unfortunately?), but what about the higher powers? It is clear that any person will be rewarded according to his deeds, but our whole life consists of nuances and omissions, which ultimately form the overall picture of both life and death.
You listen to the grandmothers in the temple, and the whole life can really seem like a confusion of nuances and omissions. However, what is from God brings simplicity and clarity to the soul. The Lord is not a source of evil, and does not punish anyone, and even more so children who are not to blame for the sins of their parents. The sins of parents can greatly complicate or even cripple the life of their children on earth, and in this sense it can be said that children suffer because of them. But the Lord does not judge children for the sins of their parents, and even vice versa - to whom less is given, the demand will be corresponding (Luke 12:48). I already wrote to you about this. You argue somewhat strangely: they say, I understand that the children are not to blame, and I pity them, but does the Lord understand this, and will he not punish them in vain? These fears are completely unfounded, for God has immeasurably more understanding and love than we humans have. He Himself is love (1 John 4:8). May the Lord help us all to believe in this love, and not to embarrass our hearts in any way.
Children born outside of a marriage officially registered in the registry office are doomed to many trials and illnesses, allowed by God as a punishment for their parents for the sin of fornication or adultery (adultery). Almost always. But much more awaits the trials and illnesses of their parents. Sooner or later. The only way to change the “wrath” of God for mercy is by a confession about all violations of the commandment “Do not commit adultery” by every living parent. And their subsequent participation in the sacrament of Communion. And then the Communion of each child is obligatory. But only the beginning of full-fledged obedience to God by parents who have fallen into fornication will finally save not only the members of the current family, but also their descendants from repeating the violation of this and many other commandments. And the family will receive the blessing of God for the continuation of its kind. In mental and more or less bodily health. Health depends entirely on the will of God. And it will always be His gift. And the quickest way to find it is already in regular Communion. Much more frequent than once a month.
Obedience to God consists in the beginning of the participation of each family member in Confession and Communion, starting with those who fell into the passion of fornication, from several times a year to much more regular. And the participation of their children in the sacrament of Communion is obligatory in order to protect them from the passions-demons living in the souls of their parents and thus keep the souls of children much purer, just as childlike and close to God. From the passions-demons living in parents, their own children suffer the most. And many of them are transmitted to them as a contagious disease if the children do not participate in the sacrament of Communion. In addition, parents are required to begin fasting and praying, gradually learning daily prayer and observing all the fasts of Orthodoxy. And in this way they must give their debt to God. For people who are not baptized in Orthodoxy, the best way out is to accept Orthodox Baptism and begin to learn to obey God in the same way, participate in the sacraments, observe fasts and pray daily.
But if adults or teenagers who have fallen into fornication begin to look for the mistakes of their parents and succumb to someone accusing them of their sins, they will be taught by God to forget about it. And He will convince them to look at themselves and, first of all, look for demonic offenses against their parents and other elders and sins against them, repent of this and correct themselves. And resort to Confession and Communion, and not expect that leaving sin or repentance only in the soul will lead to deliverance from trials and not repeating sins. For arrogance and not repentance in Confession and without communion, God often allows the repetition of the same sins. Including fornication.
IMPORTANT.
It is necessary to know that the responsibility for each member of the family lies primarily with the husband. And then on the wife. Therefore, until a husband who has fallen into fornication goes to Confession and Communion, the whole family will suffer from the passions-demons living in his soul and body. And the same goes for the wife. Temporary infatuations with someone else during marriage, even which did not lead to an intimate relationship, is the same violation of the commandment "Do not commit adultery." And the subsequent punishment is the teaching of God. The fixes are the same. If a husband or wife stubbornly does not go to Confession, then it is impossible to put up. Those close ones who have understood that it is necessary to obey God should themselves begin to regularly confess and receive communion, fast and pray. For obedience to Himself, God will correct those close to us. With time. In this case, their children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other close or even distant relatives can take on this most important responsibility for the family before God. He will accept such a feat and sacrifice for God and help those for whom this person sympathizes. And he wants the correction of his relatives who have fallen or are falling into fornication. And the greatest sacrifice in such a family is to give oneself completely to the service of God - to become a monk. And become a prayer book for your family.
Marriage entered into after an intimate relationship before him does not relieve the sin of fornication. And from the passions that live in these people. And everything described above fully concerns the husband and wife, their children and descendants.
It is also important to know that people who have unrepentant sins of fornication in Confession, know about such a need, but do not go to Confession and Communion, incur much greater trials from God.
“The servant who knew the will of his master, and was not ready, and did not do according to his will, there will be many beats” - the Gospel.
Question: Explain, please, the attitude of the church to the concept of a bastard (bastard). Is such a child born without a wedding, or at least a painting of the mother and father in the registry office is enough?
Answer: It must be said that the Church recognizes every legal marriage, both married and unmarried.
The Church treats all children equally. The sin of children in that they were born out of wedlock does not exist. Therefore, we can only talk about the sins of the parents. Here, indeed, we can definitely say that extramarital cohabitation is a sin.
Sin not only separates a person from God, but destroys his life. In this case, of course, it also affects children who are the fruit of illegal cohabitation. Of course, a child, from his very conception, being in an atmosphere of sin and the illegality of the life in which he lives (both from the point of view of the law of God, and sometimes in relation to civil laws) can feel as if he is outside normal society. Deprived of a real family, he misses a lot in childhood and often feels his inferiority. True, this is not so noticeable in the modern world, because the majority of children are brought up in broken and incomplete families. But in reality, children do not receive, perhaps, the main thing that is necessary in childhood: the experience of trust, warmth and love in the family. And it is especially bad for children, who at the same time feel the inferiority of their position. For example, dad has another family, which for some reason is real, he lives in it and brings up other children, and he only comes to visit me. Or one of the parents, or even both, the child does not have at all.
The idea to equate a legal, though not crowned, marriage with fornication comes not from Holy Scripture and the teachings of the Church, but from our monstrous pride and malice. One must strongly hate people, and consider oneself entitled to judge them, in order to declare the entire population of the country fornicators, and children as bastards. After all, the majority of marriages in Russia (even if we leave the rest of the world aside) have remained unmarried for more than eighty years.
Trying to argue about this with modern women, and trying to prove to them that they are all harlots, and their children are bastards, just looks like a bad joke. Christian preaching cannot, in general, consist in condemning and proving. It can only consist in the evidence of our good life.
Question: If the parents were not married… As the grandmothers in churches say, the parents are in sin, and the children will suffer all their lives both There and here…
You listen to the grandmothers in the temple, and the whole life can really seem like a confusion of nuances and omissions. However, what is from God brings simplicity and clarity to the soul. The Lord is not a source of evil, and does not punish anyone, and even more so children who are not to blame for the sins of their parents. The sins of parents can greatly complicate or even cripple the life of their children on earth, and in this sense it can be said that children suffer because of them.
But the Lord does not judge children for the sins of their parents, and even vice versa - to whom less is given, the demand will be corresponding.
Conversation with Archpriest Alexander Nikolsky
Question: Women often decide to have a child without marriage, for example, if they cannot get married for a long time, or if a woman urgently needs to give birth to a child for health reasons. How does the Church feel about this? From the point of view of the Church, which is better: to give birth out of wedlock or to remain single? After all, a woman does not want to live idly! What could be the consequences for the woman and the child over time? Is there any hope of raising and fully raising a child alone?
O. Alexander: Yes, this is indeed a problem. Many women after thirty years, closer to forty, when they realize that their chances of getting married and starting a family are already much lower, decide to give birth to a child from someone who would agree to this, or even, sometimes, without putting this person informed of their plans. And they have children.
But, one must understand that sin will not be good. Without a doubt, from the teachings of Christ, from the teachings of the Church, from the Gospel, it follows that such a child will be conceived in fornication. And precisely because it is a sin, nothing good will come of it. The end does not justify the means.
So what about a woman who has neither a husband nor a child? How can she live?
Firstly, if this is a believing woman, then she needs to think: "what is in the Providence of God about me." Maybe there is something else in the Providence of God, no less good. Of course, for a woman to have a child, at least one, this is her inner need, it is inherent in her feminine nature. But not by any means!
And one more thing: never give up. If you are 37 years old, and you have neither a husband nor children, this does not mean that you will never have a family. There are many cases when women, having reached the age of forty, got married, gave birth to children, even more than one, and were happily married.
Question: How to find the courage in yourself to trust the Providence of God despite the circumstances?
Father Alexander: And if God is not believed and trusted, then in general life becomes very difficult. After all, if we believe in God, then we must also believe that God cares about us and that he will not leave us. If we do not trust God, then we do not believe in Him.
God is present in our life as the main character. God has established the spiritual laws of life. If they are violated, this is the same as leading an unhealthy lifestyle. In the latter case, you will destroy your bodily health, and in the first case, you will destroy your life. The providence of God is the love of God for you.
You have to trust God, and God will not leave you. Only it is impossible for God to set conditions: "Here I believe you, and you, please, provide me with such and such a program of life." Because this program of yours may not be in God's Providence. And if this particular program is implemented, then it will only make things worse for you.
There are many cases when people did not have children, and, for example, through IVF, a child was still born to them (by the way, the Church has a negative attitude towards IVF). And then they started having such problems, up to the breakup of the marriage. And the child grew up very difficult.
That is, if God does not give something, then He does not just give, He does not give out of love. And, please, you can not believe God, His love, and you can show your will, and God will give it to you - show your will, but the consequences will be sad for you. By not giving you anything, He shields you from unnecessary suffering. Of course, God cannot completely protect you from suffering, otherwise you will not be saved. But He protects from those sufferings that can destroy you, which you cannot overcome spiritually, for example, you will become embittered and your life will become unbearable for you.
I had a friend, she just gave birth to a child for herself. She was my neighbor through the wall at that time, and I could not sleep, because every night she and her grown daughter were yelling at each other. Starting from the time this child went to first grade, every night there were terrible screams and swearing. Because sin is not good. This is first.
Secondly, God intended that the family is a husband, wife and child.
I know of a case where a woman, seemingly even Orthodox, decided to give birth to a seemingly Orthodox man, married, by the way. Of course, his "orthodoxy" can be quoted. They had an agreement that she would give birth, and there would be no claims on her part, she only needed a child. And so she gave birth to a child, and she began to feel terrible resentment, why this man does not pay attention to his son. Claims have begun. And there are many such cases. This is absolutely typical.
Another example is the feelings of a particular woman. Although she gave birth without marriage, from her friend, after the birth she clearly felt that here she is, here is her child, and here is her husband. Thank God that in this particular case, everything did not end badly, later he really became her husband.
That is, the need for a family is natural for a person. It is in nature for a woman to give birth from her husband, and not from some kind of sire.
In addition, it must be said that it is difficult for a woman to raise one child, and the point here is not in material difficulties. A modern woman can receive a very large salary, more than many men. However, material wealth will not help her replace her husband. The point is that in adolescence even very good mothers begin to fail to cope with their children. And here the masculine principle is required, the husband is required.
Of course, one can say, but what about the widows, whose husband died, died at the front? They, too, are left alone with the child, without a husband. But in this case it is not based on sin. It was not the man himself who so decided to organize a family, but it was in God's Providence. And if so, if this is not a sin, then God will take care of the person. The best example is St. John Chrysostom, whose father died, and whose mother, with God's help, was able to raise an amazing person who even reached holiness.
Therefore, one must believe in the Providence of God, one must trust God, and not go to sin under any pretext. No matter how crafty we imagine that it is profitable and good, and that everything will be fine in the end. It won't be good! Well it won't be guaranteed.
And God, if it is in His Providence, will always take care that a person has a family.
But just when a person goes to sin, he and his family often do not happen because of this. Because he, going to sin, fell away from God. Well, what can a sinful person do good without God himself.
God may not allow a person to create a family until some time, even very late, because he wants the consciousness of a person to mature so that he can create a family. After all, modern young people often come to family life not ready. If earlier at the age of sixteen a girl was completely ready to become a wife and mother, now only by the age of thirty does she begin to understand something at least a little about this. And now God is waiting for her to mature, so that, for example, she does not spoil a child with her crazy ideas. Therefore, He does not allow her, perhaps, to marry before the time. And when she matures, He will allow her, she will give birth normally and raise the child normally. But a person, committing a sin, blocks this path for himself.
I know one woman who had drinking husband, then he left her and left her with five children, she remarried and gave birth to the sixth. After all, she was married with five children! This is what the Providence of God does. And the husband is good, educated, earns well. He fell in love with her and with five children. You live according to God, you strive for it, and God will help you even in some seemingly unrealistic situations.
By the way, this case is by no means exceptional. I know two pious widows who lost their husbands early and were left with three and four children, respectively, and whose life has developed according to the same scenario. The main thing here is your relationship with God. If everything is in order with God, then it doesn’t matter how many children you have - you will successfully marry with four children and everything will work out for you. And you can not create a family without children. Or, having created a family, in 10-15 years come to a divorce.
The trouble is that modern man does not trust God. He wants to do everything himself, on his own, and the result he gets is corresponding, deplorable.
How many single mothers I know who gave birth to a "good son" for themselves, and often these children grew up as hooligans, and no one could cope with them.
Therefore, it is better not to tempt fate, not to anger God, but to follow the path of God. This path is correct and will lead to good results.
Question: What if she still gave birth? Well, it so happened that the girl sinned, became pregnant and gave birth?
O. Alexander: Thank God I didn't have an abortion. This is a terrible sin, which in many ways would have spoiled her for the rest of her life. Although there is no such sin that God would not forgive if a person repents. That is, even if she has sinned with the sin of fornication, then an abortion cannot be done! It would also be the sin of infanticide. A much worse sin. Therefore, of course, she needs to give birth. And although she gave birth in fornication, but if she realized that she was wrong, and prays, and repents, and tries to live in an Orthodox way, then the Lord will forgive her. I know specific cases when a woman in such a situation prayed, repented, became churched. And the Lord forgave her, and then gave her a good husband, with whom they lived well and gave birth to other children. But the main thing here is that these women had repentance. And repentance can deal with any sin.
You can’t just do it like this: I’ll sin now, and then I’ll repent. This will not work with God. If you go to sin in advance, they say, then I will pray. But you can not pray with such an attitude.
Question: So how can one distinguish between these two moments "it happened by chance" or "in advance a person goes to sin"?
O. Alexander: "So it happened" - this person just lost his temper. This is one thing. And if a person already makes a deal with God in advance: “I will sin now, and then I will repent to You,” then the deal with God does not go through. Because God will make you truly repent. Often a person, going to sin, thinks that he chooses an easier path. But in fact, thinking so, he is deeply mistaken. People imagine that repentance is like that, I came to the priest for confession: "behold, I have sinned here." And that's all, and nothing more is needed, just tell the priest. No, you have to turn your soul inside out. Before God. And shovel everything. For God to transform your soul. It's very difficult. This is how to spoil your health completely, by drugs, for example, and then it will be very difficult to correct it and complex, long-term, painful treatment will be required.
Interviewed by Ekaterina Mutovkina
