Photo: Wavebreak Media Ltd/Rusmediabank.ru
Ignoring is one of the strongest types of emotional abuse. It has a detrimental effect not only on the one who is subjected to this type of psychological execution, but also on the one who carries it out. I'll try to prove it.Ignoring or is a rather old method of manipulation or suppression. But in the modern information space and post-industrial society, it acquires new features.
- (colloquial, from English ignore - ignore) - the refusal of a chat or forum visitor to communicate with another visitor. Usually, rude people and just annoying interlocutors are “sent to ignore”. The “send to ignore” function is available in almost all chats and forums. This feature is also available on the phone. If you want to protect yourself from unwanted incoming calls, use the "Ignore" service. It allows you to block calls from certain and hidden numbers.
In short, ignoring today will not surprise anyone. You can easily get rid of any annoying interlocutor, advertiser, PR and salesman with the help of ignore. This is quite a useful thing that saves our time, money and nerves.
But now I want to talk about something else. About ignoring as a way of psychological manipulation, which is used by destructive people in order to humiliate another person, take revenge, subjugate him, destroy him as a rival or competitor. And sometimes it is used by men and women as a bait and a way to bind a person of the opposite sex to themselves. In this case, we are dealing with one of the strongest types of emotional abuse. And he acts very purposefully and painfully. It is especially painful when it comes to people close to you, relatives, loved ones, friends, that is, those whose indifference is perceived as the most severe insult, insult, blow, humiliation, betrayal, if you like.
That is, he would like, firstly, to become part of a pack, team, community, group, family, etc. When he is ignored, he is kicked out of the group. He feels his rejection, uselessness, loneliness. He is cold, he needs to snuggle up to someone to warm his soul.
Secondly each of us needs recognition of our human worth. This is one of the basic human needs. Everyone needs to know and understand that they value, love, respect, take into account his opinion, count on his participation and help. That is, they consider it their own, necessary, necessary and valuable.
Third We all expect to be understood. They feel our mood, state, position, take into account our past, forgive mistakes, understanding their reasons, excuse them, treat our weaknesses, antics and shortcomings with loyalty, that is, they try to take our place and treat us with sympathy and friendliness. When we feel the empathy of the people around us, we become calmer, and we feel happy and needed, in our place, even without being perfect.
All these conditions are necessary for us as a social being. And if we don’t get something, that is, if we are ignored, especially if they do it on purpose and defiantly, then we begin to experience severe discomfort from the lack of value identification of our own personality.
In general, there are several options for responding to ignore:
Ignored painfully goes over his shortcomings, reproaches himself, blames everything and tears his hair out of despair. This is at best if he is a thinking, intelligent and difficult person. But there is another way to react.
He can just get angry, scowl in response, start playing back, freak out, drink, cut his veins, jump from the roof and in every possible way attract attention to himself in order to piss off the one ignoring him and make him look in his direction and somehow react .
An outcast can withdraw into himself seriously and for a long time, hiding there from the whole world. This is a very dangerous way to get out of emotional abuse, as terrible tornadoes are sometimes born in this quiet swamp, which suddenly wake up and sweep away everything in their path. This is how crimes, suicides and brilliant novels are born (I'm joking). But still, there is some truth in this, since there is another, in my opinion, the best way to get out of the terrible impasse of ignore.
An outcast sublimates into the knowledge of himself and the world, into the discovery of something supernatural, into creativity, into philosophical and scientific searches, into insane creative insights, into the development of his own inner cosmos, into new love, relationships, business, etc. He seems to say to himself: “Are you ignoring me? What a joy, I didn't have to dust off my clothes. The dirt itself has fallen off, and now I am clean and free to comprehend the meaning of my own existence!
Sometimes they return in the form of hatred and curses and revenge. Sometimes the one who ignores receives a blowback from an unexpected side and not from the one whom he offended with his demonstrative indifference, but just from the one whose attention and love he himself counted on. This happens according to incomprehensible to him, but very logical and understandable laws of karma. Pride is always treated with humiliation.
Sometimes, for example, having brought his enemy to suicide and tragedy, the ignorer suddenly begins to feel guilt, and it stretches for him for the rest of his life.
But the most terrible blow for people who play emotional abuse with ignorance for the sake of their own whim and ambition is the successful promotion, happiness and joy of the one against whom they directed their terrible weapon. They ignore him, and he's like water off a duck's back. He invents a good mood generator and he didn't care if some Vasya Pupkin was ignoring him. He has his own goals and his own values. And they do not consist only in winning the attention of Vasya or anyone else. He still has to launch the hadron collider, there is no time to delve into your manipulations and psychological games with you.
Only those who ignore do not take into account that by doing this they not only punish the one who, perhaps, offended or hurt them with something, to whom, in connection with this, they feel envy or dislike. But they also expose their own weaknesses, demonstrating to everyone their quarrelsome character and their inhumanity, their powerlessness to agree, their inability to understand and forgive.
But there are cases when ignoring is salvation when it comes to hysterical, paranoid, manipulative manifestations. In such cases, indeed, sometimes ignoring is the only way to level the conflict or tragedy. But even in this case, ignoring should be temporary, because a person who behaves inappropriately, hysterically and manipulatively is also a person and needs help. Psychological, medical and simply human. If you yourself are not a manipulator and not a complete egoist, then you will not be able to withstand the complete disregard of another person for a long time. You are not some kind of freak, you can put yourself in his place and imagine how he feels when you perceive him as a lamppost. Don't be cruel, even if you really don't like the person. You can not be friends with him, do not communicate, but do not ignore him. Who knows, maybe he is just the well from which you will someday have to drink water. Life is unpredictable…
Sometimes it's not destiny. There is no way people can be together. And what remains to be done if the heart is torn, aching from pain, but not physical. What to fix in your brain so that this main organ forgets forever the one who is still almost the meaning of life? How to erase from the head of the one who seems to have taken it away forever ... These questions are very difficult to find an answer, but in this article we will try to find out who you love.
Does it need to be done?
Suffering is good. They educate a person, give an inner core, form endurance. A reasonable person will learn from such a situation lessons that will help her adapt to life in the future. But if a person experiences torment, then it corrupts the soul, and it is difficult to predict the outcome of such an experience. In such a situation, nothing is formed in the personality, except for resentment and anger, which later acquire global volumes due to a break in character.
When answering the question of whether you should try to stop loving, you should determine for yourself the “scale of defeat”: if this feeling hurts you a lot, then you can wait a bit, and you won’t have to take intentional actions - it will pass by itself. But if it poisons your entire existence and ruins your life, then immediately read the following paragraphs of the article.
Awareness of the problem
How to forget the person you love? The first step towards getting rid of this burden is to recognize the problem. Understand: is it love, or a mania imposed by complexes? Real love, according to psychologists, does not cause pain: its object is always achievable, and relations with it are harmonious. By this they cross out the descriptions of such a high feeling by brilliant authors, in whose works love was of universal proportions.
You must understand that getting rid of ordinary love is much easier than getting rid of a manic feeling. Realizing what exactly you are experiencing, why and why you need it - solve 50% of the problem.
Real score
How to let go of the person you love? You need to understand that you are not a couple. Justify for yourself mentally or write down on a sheet what circumstances, character traits and any other conditions prevent your love from being realized as you wish. By “falling to the ground” with the help of a real look at the problem, love will be adequately positioned as a phenomenon, and you will know the conditions for its existence.
Substitution of emotions
How to forget the person you love with the help of distraction? Switch to other people, you don't have to love them. Be friends, hate, but be distracted. A strong feeling of love must be replaced by another strong feeling. Do what you have dreamed of all your life: skydive, travel around the world, make a career - whatever. Get a pet and love it, take care and watch it grow - it will definitely give positive emotions and "switch" you from focusing on yourself.
Belief
In this part of the article, we will figure out how to forget the person you love with the help of persuasion. Lie to yourself. Say you don't love anyone. Then, after you believe in the lie, make sure it is correct, and maybe you will like this position so much that you really stop loving. Some people like to play the role of the altar and the sufferer, so any unhappy love can be an elementary way of trying on a certain image, where the actor and the spectator are in one person.
Disappointment
How to stop loving the person you love? Be disappointed in him. List all kinds of negative traits of his personality, think about how terrible and disgusting they are. Perhaps such an exercise will deprive the bright image of your object of love, and feelings will gradually cool.
Here are some methods you can try. However, the main thing in this matter is to wait for time. Everything passes with him, the memory is erased, emotions go out, leaving an imprint on the personality of the lover. Forever forgetting in the truest sense of the word is unlikely to work unless amnesia occurs. But to perceive this sad experience is not so acute - it will definitely work out, because ahead new life and who knows if someone is waiting for you in it who is also very capable of loving.
If you spend a lot of time thinking about a man, this, unfortunately, can only push him away from you. Even if he doesn't know what you think of him! How is this possible? That's how.
When you like someone, or you have already started dating this person, what often happens to millions of women around the world can happen: you become too attached to your new passion. And at first it’s not even bad: you glow from the inside, others notice that something has happened to you (extremely good, of course), you have a lot of strength and energy, you are ready for new achievements. And most importantly, you are ready to spend your time and energy on a person who is dear to you: you get to know each other, establish contacts, resolve your first conflicts. But then something can happen that should not happen, and most importantly, what men do not want - in your dreams and thoughts you go far ahead of both your partner and reality. You try on his last name, make plans for the future, plan. And most importantly, you think only about him all the time, and gradually it becomes an addiction.
But you sincerely believe that such thoughts cannot harm your relationship - after all, he does not know that you are constantly thinking about him. Right? - No.
Because imperceptibly for you, as well as for the consciousness of others your behavior changes. However, on a subconscious level, all these changes are too noticeable.
What is changing? your aura. Or, more simply, subconscious behavior. Something that a man does not want to see appears in him: an ingratiating look (shouting: “Well, when will you propose to me!”), Controlling notes in his voice (“I was so worried! Where were you?” - and it is this question that will tell him about the fact that he should report to you), the behavior of the owner (“This is MY man”), although he may not be ready for such a turn of events. In addition, constant thoughts about him deprive you of the opportunity to think about something else, and therefore deprive you of the attractiveness of a separate person in his eyes. If earlier you spent your free time on hobbies and hobbies, after which you shared your impressions of the day with your loved one, now you don’t know what to do with yourself if he is suddenly delayed at work or goes on a business trip. In the end, it turns out that when he returns, you have absolutely nothing to tell him. But it was precisely for your personality that he once fell in love with you! For your hobbies, your independence, an open view of the world, for your broad outlook. But what now? Now you are ready to dissolve in it and do not see anything reprehensible in your behavior - it seems to you so logical, so the only correct one. But he wants something else. What?
He wants to see a person next to him, and not his own reflection. He needs an interlocutor, he needs a person whom he will not be ashamed not only to introduce to friends and colleagues, but also to leave alone with them. In a word, he needs a half that will complement him, and not duplicate him.
Except that you lose not only your individuality, but also lower your self-esteem. Why? Because from an independent independent woman you turn into a nervous being, absolutely dependent on whether this man is with you or not. And believe me - he feels it very well, because low self-esteem is manifested not only in what you feel, but also in how you behave: your gait, your look and your posture change. And consequently, you become less and less attractive in the eyes of your beloved man.
But not thinking about a man is just as difficult as not thinking about a white monkey, although for other reasons - this is not just a person you try to think less about, this is a person dear to you, on whose actions your spiritual well-being depends.
Well, firstly, if your relationship is not serious enough yet (or maybe there aren’t any at all yet, maybe you are just in love, but not ready to admit it), then you should not limit your circle of acquaintances. Date other men even just friendly. And also do not limit your range of interests, do not lose yourself in relationships, do not dissolve in your beloved, but still a completely different person.
When on our way we meet a person who we like, and it seems that he can make a wonderful couple for the rest of his life, a nasty voice inside begins to give life, reminding us that we are not good enough for him, that we are not worthy not only of his attention, but happiness in general. And this is an additional source of thoughts about a man: how should I behave in order to match his ideas about a woman, what to say, what to wear, and why he looked at me so askance on the last date. Firstly, it is likely that this man torments himself with the same doubts about you (he has a stomach, legs, a thin wallet - many shortcomings, in a word). And secondly, if in the end it turns out that you really are not a couple, this does not mean at all that you are too bad for him. It only means that somewhere in the world there is a better person for you.
At the same time, it is important to understand that IGNOR is not only withdrawal or intimidation of withdrawal. It also includes tricks when a person does not pick up / hangs up the phone, does not answer SMS, does not talk to you.
In order for manipulation to work, in order for a person to BEND, to force him to give up his position, to make concessions, he needs to react to manipulation, you need to pull him for something. That is, either he must have attachment to you and the fear of losing the relationship, or an inferiority complex and guilt, or the fear of being alone, not finding anyone better, etc.
Ignores are different. For example - ignore punitive. He is tougher and has his own conditions.
Condition 1
For ignore to work, there must always be a thread or threads to pull.
Simply put, if you have been married for many years and your wife has something like that for you ... I don’t care, and she is also financially independent, then your ignore will be up to her. And if she also has a lover, then she will only be delighted. There is simply nothing to scare her. She is not afraid to lose you, you are not valuable to her. Ignoring will only work if you are of some value, if losing you is worse than giving up some of your goodies.
It is also completely stupid to ignore at the beginning of a relationship, when there is still not enough interest. When the threads that you can pull have not yet formed. It's like trying to pull a fish before it has taken the bait, pulling too soon. To begin with, some emotions should form, some plans about you, some connections. Then ignore will work for you. Otherwise, you just disappear, the person understands that the game is going on or is perplexed and tears up those rudiments of relationships that have begun to develop.
Well, it is obvious that if the threads are weak, then you need to carefully pull them.
Condition #2
For a person to bend, the thread that you are going to pull must be stronger than the principles on which you are going to bend a person.
That is, if you put a person before the choice of "me or a cat", you need to be sure that he will choose you, that your value is higher.
A mistake is made when they try to pull on weak threads and blackmail (and if you call a spade a spade, this is psychological blackmail) a partner with your departure. And suddenly it turns out that it is easier for a person to leave than to make concessions. Then suddenly the one who just wanted to leave begins frantically coming back. And now he has to bend over, ask for forgiveness, for his failed blackmail, which only worsens the situation.
In general, there is a good trick that seducers often use. In order to bend a person to something serious, you need to start with the little things, with those things that it is easier for him to part with for the sake of a relationship. Giving up their positions little by little, each time the partner invests more and more, respectively, the thread that can be pulled is strengthened, because the value of the relationship grows in proportion to the number of investments.
Condition #3
If you decide to play this game, be prepared to really go all the way. This means that it is desirable to play it from a strong position, when the partner needs the relationship more than you. Because if you need them more, then you will not only get a bummer, but also a punishment for your attempt. And as a result, sink even lower than the bar where you were before. Because IGNOR can be perceived very differently depending on when and how to conduct it. If you left, poked out and returned, then this makes you a little offended, crap one's pants. If you left on principle and stand on your position, then it will be perceived differently (unless, of course, your requirements are adequate), even if the relationship falls apart.
Condition #4
IGNOR need to be able to properly present. Depending on the situation, on the context in which you conduct it, a person perceives it as a punishment, your rightness and his wrongness, or as a bzdyk / tantrum of an offended jealous boy / girl.
That is, if you start to leave, or rather imitate leaving every time you were offended, then this is just the second. The partner will get used to this and will perceive it as childish insults.
If you arrange for a person to ignore / leave after a serious jamb, once and harshly, then this will be a strong lesson and strengthen your dominant position. That is, it would be good to use this technique precisely as a punishment and so that a person understands why.
My personal opinion is that such a tough technique should generally be used occasionally, when the jamb is really serious. And use it to the full so that in the future you never want it again.
Ignore playful (flirting)
Often they can use ignore in closer-further games. This is a slightly separate topic. This is a game of uncertainty, not blackmail. This is a different kind of mechanism. That is, the same mechanism works here as in sales, when a person has already been given something to hold / try, and when he is in the mood and wants to buy, they begin to play for time, increase the price. In this case, due to the fact that a person is ignored after he has received the first portion of attention and interest has appeared, he begins to think, wind up, INVEST psychologically. When people draw magical pictures for themselves, they are thus engaged in self-hypnosis, creating an ideal image of a partner for themselves, investing a certain energy in it. And its value is growing. So there is a strong desire to receive it, LOVE appears.
But in this case, there are also conditions for the correct execution of a playful ignore:
So, if you still decide to do IGNOR, before that you should drive yourself according to the above conditions and check whether the circumstances meet these conditions and what you generally want to get by these actions. If some conditions do not match, then most likely after ignoring it will only get worse. It's good to be able to look at this ignorance through the eyes of another person and imagine his reaction.
Alternatively, ask yourself the following questions:
The latter, by the way, is a very important point. There are cases where it is enough just for the partner to apologize and say “learned the lesson”. After that, I personally say “we drove through” and forget it right away. And there are cases where a person must work out his forgiveness quite seriously, invest, ask back with tears and show how important this relationship is to him / her. Because if you forgive and return immediately, the result will be zero. Lesson not learned.
It can be quite difficult to ignore someone, especially if you constantly run into this person on your way, if he tries to talk to you or does not quite understand what is happening. But if you really need to ignore this person, then try to look very busy with your business, change your usual way of life and cut off all contact with this person. Check out the following tips on how to ignore someone.
Don't look this person in the eye. Not making eye contact is the best way to ignore people. Once your eyes meet, it will show that you are aware of the existence of this person, and your efforts to ignore him will be in vain. If this person is in close proximity to you, avoid making eye contact at all costs. Look at everyone except him, look in front of you or just at the floor.
Pass by quickly. Another way to ignore a person is to walk as fast as possible. This will show that you are a busy person, you have time to do a lot of things, and that you have no desire to stop and talk to this person. Walk with your head held high and look like you're in a hurry, even if you're not.
Depict some kind of "closedness". If you happen to be near this person, fold your arms across your chest, cross your legs if you're sitting, hunch over a bit, and generally do everything to appear completely out of reach. Your body should say for itself: "Don't talk to me, buddy," and most likely your enemy will understand this hint.
Try to look like you are very busy. You can look either closed off from everything around you, or very, very busy, so much so that you simply cannot take a second of your time for empty chatter with this person.
Use your phone. This will help you ignore any person. There are several ways to use the phone for this purpose. First, you can stare at the phone to look busy as soon as you see your enemy. You can talk to someone on the phone, laugh wildly, or dive headlong into correspondence with someone with whom you would like to communicate at the moment.
Listen to music. Buy headphones and always wear them when you're alone, even if you're not listening to music. When you see your enemy, turn up the music to the fullest and shake your head to the beat in order to look completely absorbed and busy with your own business and not wanting to spend a single minute of your time talking.
Ignore online. Ignoring on the Internet is much easier than ignoring a person in real life because you won't have to avoid meeting him. In this case, you just need to ignore emails, Facebook posts, Twitter notes, and any other messages on the network.
Take a different route. If you want to ignore someone and not meet them every time you go, the easiest thing to do is just change the route you normally take. If you always meet your enemy on the way in between classes, then take a different, longer path to the next lesson so as not to see this person. If you constantly meet him at work, then go down another hallway and use another restroom to keep contact to a minimum.
Avoid places where your enemy likes to be. It's elementary. If you know his favorite bars, restaurants and parks, just don't go there anymore. It's not worth it, however, if you're willing to spend enough time there and continuously ignore the person, you can try.
Go to places where your enemy will never go. For example, if he prefers meat dishes, then look for restaurants in your area that serve vegetarian dishes. If he hates jazz, then go to a jazz concert in your area. If he is at enmity with one of your friends, then at this friend’s party you are unlikely to meet your enemy and be able to have a good time.
Ignore anyone at school. It might not be easy, especially if you're in the same class, but you can still find a way. Here's how to do it:
Ignore someone at work. This can be quite tricky as you may be sitting next to your enemy or even working on the same project. Anyway, there are several ways to minimize contact.
Ignore someone socially. It's easy enough if you know what to do. You need to rely on your friends and try to stay as far away from this person as possible, even if you are in the same room. Here's what you can do:
