Every time I am approached by the mother of a teenage boy who doesn't want to go to school, or the mother of a teenage girl who is told by her dad that "he doesn't love her!", I ask the same question: "What's between you parents? » The answer is given reluctantly and slightly with irritation: what does it have to do with it, you did not understand the essence of the question: “Nothing. We're separated." Or like this: “Everything is fine with us!”
I don’t let up: “And how do you feel about him, your husband?” “Yes, I have nothing to do with him! Why are you asking about this? And what does this have to do with my question?
Yes, the most direct! As long as you don’t care why you treat him, your ex or current husband in any way, your son will study poorly, and your daughter can hear from her father what she hears.
Because it doesn’t happen that when you make someone an empty place for yourself, when you make someone an “insensitive stool” that cannot have experiences, then in return you get something else. You throw contempt, indifference, arrogance, superiority, anger, desire to sting. Every word you say to him is poison.
And in return you want love, money, attention, care, patronage, protection. No, no, of course not for yourself! For a child! Everything for the child! From a person in whose direction there is only poison and contempt, and who most often does not even want to be considered a person. This is not an equal exchange. It doesn't happen.
In return, you receive only what comes from you. If you do not understand that it hurts - your ignoring or bile in words.
If you don’t want to think about it, delve into it, analyze it, change it, then they will hurt you too. If you don't stop, it will hurt you even more. Through a child.
In most cases, ignoring a common child, his feelings is a mirroring of the relationship of the mother of the child to his father.
The mother does not want to hear this and deal with it. She wants to convict, blame, re-educate, call for conscience. She does exactly what her mother used to do or does. In relation to her husband. Blames, accuses, complains about him. She repeats what she saw and heard in her childhood.
It is a theme of devotion to one's own mother, who either explicitly or implicitly hated her husband. It comes from one's own parental family, where there was a lot of indirect aggression. Constantly. Between man and woman.
All other situations in an adult daughter are pulled up just to continue this. Hatred for a man. Mistrust. Suspicion. Contempt. All other situations are just to find confirmation.
All roles have long been registered. How she should behave, how he should behave. The script was already ready. It just needed to be implemented.
You have to look at the script. And not on the behavior of an individual man. Or the behavior of an individual child. The answers are all in the script. And the dialogues are like a blueprint.
As long as there is a desire to remake and re-educate a husband, former or current, to continue to persecute him, to bring him to clean water, it is impossible to help children. And in the far corners of their memory, all the dialogues are already recorded. It remains only for them to grow up a little and embody what was before them. Between man and woman.
And in general, everything that happens to the child next, a difficult personal or professional life, many types of addictions - this will be his longing for his father. The father, whom he, the child, did not have enough. Not because the parents were divorced, but because the father was ignored all the time, persecuted, rejected, belittled, argued, showed that he was unworthy, and he, the father, had to move away. Nature does not tolerate emptiness. Where there should be a father - emptiness. And instead of the father, destructiveness and problems appear.
Everything starts with the mother. Look at how a father treats children and you will find out how women in this family treat men. Not how they say it, but what is in their hearts. In relation to her husband. Former. Or the current one.
Psychologists constantly point out that psychological trauma, received in childhood, become fertile ground for the appearance of complexes.
Sometimes a person cannot get rid of them on his own, because sometimes it is not easy to see the connection between one and the other. However, this connection must be broken, otherwise you will never be happy. What if the father does not love? The question is very difficult and complex, but the answers to it exist.
Not always men are mature. Even if they have a child, this does not mean at all that this child will force him to become an adult and take responsibility for the family. With the advent of a baby, a woman can fully concentrate on his upbringing, which cannot have a good effect on the relationship between father and child., because the latter, it seems, just stole the woman he loved from the man.
Here, of course, there is the fault of the mother. Remember how often your parents fought because of you? Not so much on issues of upbringing, but because of resentment - dad is sincerely offended that from now on he has become the second most important in his wife's life, and mom sincerely does not understand that he can quite rightly demand attention to himself. So it turns out that because of jealousy, the father simply cannot perceive the appearance of the child as a gift, not a curse.
It happens that parents have high hopes for their child, trying to give him everything so that he achieves a lot. At the same time, without noticing it themselves, they are trying to realize their own unfulfilled hopes through him. If the child neglects what they are trying with such a " big love» shove, parents are offended. Such grievances can live in a father's heart for years. Think about something similar in your life? Did your dad say you didn't live up to his expectations? If so, take it as your father's problem, not your own.
A very common reason that fathers do not like daughters. Why is that? The desire to get an heir can sometimes be compared with mania. And if suddenly a son is born in the family after you, the father can simply forget about the existence of his daughter as his own child. As painful as it is to realize, but you have to accept this fact. After all, he wanted one thing, but got another.
There are men who consider the manifestation of feelings bad manners. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. To understand that this is true, look at the results of his work, how much time and effort he has invested in raising you with dignity. If you think that he did this only for himself, most likely you are mistaken.
What do you do if your father doesn't love you? There can be only one answer - to forgive. Parents and children are not chosen, they are given once and for all. The fact that you have just such a parent is not given to you by chance, you just need to get rid of resentment and understand what good you got due to the fact that the family did not receive more affection and love from dad.
The role of the father in the upbringing of his daughter still seems insignificant to some. Daddy loves her and that's enough. Is it so?
Everything is clear with the boys - their father teaches them to be courageous, brave, take responsibility for themselves and others, fight for rights and protect the weak. But what about the girls? It used to be believed that the upbringing of daughters was entirely in the hands of the mother. In practice, it turns out that if the daughter grew up without a father (literally or figuratively), friendly contact was not established with him, then the child has to fly through life, as if without one wing. Psychologists have repeatedly mentioned the relationship between father and daughter. What consequences can be in the future because of a bad relationship with his father in the past?
Ideal? If you dig into the past, many will find something to remember:
Or he simply lived nearby, but did not show any interest in his daughter, was not engaged in education. Some fathers were “cold” and aloof, while others were not so lucky.
If the father drank, walked, beat the children or the mother, then the feeling of injustice and hatred can live in the soul for years, leaving a heavy imprint on all life events.
In psychology, it has long been established that the relationship between father and daughter subconsciously affects the building of relationships between a girl and her chosen one in the future. For example, if a father has never admired his daughter, then as an adult, she will not expect compliments from fans. But these are trifles compared to what serious problems girls can face in adulthood if there were disagreements with their fathers.
A huge problem with a bad relationship between father and daughter is revealed at the moment when it comes to dating, choosing a life partner. If sharp corners and some kind of psychological trauma can be hidden in work, relationships with friends, then when it comes to building a connection with the opposite sex, all those complexes, fears and mental attitudes that we received in childhood emerge. No one wants an alcoholic or tyrant husband, but girls who have had fathers with the same problem in their lives are much more likely to choose a guy with an addiction.
Dad is called to help his daughter grow up bold, self-confident, but at the same time feminine. It is the father who instills in the girl a sense of self-worth, attractiveness and striving for the desired. When a child at an early age does not receive daddy's attention, approval and care, self-doubt creeps in. As a result, statistics show that in families where fathers abandoned their wives and children, girls more often begin to have an early sexual life, many become pregnant at the age of 15-16 years. The fear is triggered that the man will definitely leave, leave the family, and therefore you need to hurry. If you evaluate this, it is easy to understand how important the role of the father in raising a daughter is.
Powerful women who are able to show masculine character traits, be tough and uncompromising, most likely had weak-willed and irresponsible fathers. Such dads were not able to bring money to the family, they drank, obeyed the whims of an overbearing mother.
The girl transfers such relations between father and daughter into adulthood, trying to compensate for the lack and take responsibility for everything in her own hands. As a result, men come across on the way who need to be pulled, patronized, and, possibly, provided. At the same time, the mental attitude may not manifest itself so clearly, but if you start analyzing the situation, it turns out that the woman is simply not able to stop controlling everything (after all, she does this unconsciously, at the subconscious level).
If the relationship between father and daughter developed differently, for example, dad was domineering, demanding, strict, then there is another story. The girl was required to be sweet, helpful, feminine, not to show any masculine qualities, not to defend her opinion. Most often, such fathers give the installation to learn, and then successfully marry.
The connection between father and daughter is so strong that even if a young lady starts her own business or becomes a boss, the attitude to be in a subordinate position will manifest itself in relations with her man. After all, the chosen one is chosen on a subconscious level with the same character traits that were present in his father.
An analysis of the situation will help to deal with the wrong attitudes of adult life from childhood:
The best way to diagnose and solve such a problem is to help a psychologist. However, if you have just begun to understand the situation, you can try to figure it out on your own.
Analyze all your romantic stories: do they have something in common? If it is obvious that you are “unlucky” with men in life, you need to change your psychological attitudes. It can be difficult to do this without a specialist, because the psychology of "father-daughter" is not limited to one article or a moment of insight.
The problems that have migrated from childhood to adulthood are the deepest and most emotionally difficult. However, now you can try to change the situation.
The role of the father in education is great, but do not rush to blame him for all your problems. The father-daughter relationship is a thin thread and should be dealt with as carefully as any type of family relationship. In order not to harm yourself or him, it is better - this will help to more clearly manifest your connection and its impact on adult life.
The men's magazine Maxim, which specializes in lighter material, decided to enter the territory of parenthood and published an article devoted to the main mistakes that men make in raising children. Tatyana Sviridova, candidate of psychological sciences, helped the journal work on the article. Mama.ru wrote down the main theses of the note.
Perpetually Disgruntled Father
signs
Evaluates the child according to his own far-fetched standards, which the child almost never meets. He constantly reproaches, while inside he worries that his child is worse than other people's children.
Causes
Rejection of a child can occur for several reasons. A man may project his own childhood experiences onto a child, suppress suspicions that the child is not really his, or reject him because he is in a marriage with which he is unhappy.
dangers
Children who grow up with perpetually dissatisfied fathers easily develop an inferiority complex. In addition, the behavior of fathers can provoke bouts of stubbornness and defiance. To get the attention of the pope, the child may begin to misbehave and do what is forbidden to him.
How to fix?
In order to start working on himself, a disgruntled dad needs to look at himself from the outside. To do this, you need a video camera - let it record joint breakfasts, conversations or games. This will help the father to better understand what it is in the child that irritates him so much, and to see how the comments about the child actually sound ugly and vicious.
bodyguard father
signs
Such a dad constantly talks about his child using the pronoun “we”, which is more typical for mothers. He is ready to solve all issues, not giving the child a chance for independence.
Causes
A man who is in a symbiotic relationship with his child does not know how to feel the boundaries of his personality.
dangers
The child is very dependent on the mood of the father. In addition, the protective behavior of an adult is dangerous because in the future the son or daughter will constantly seek close emotional contact with other people and be disappointed. It is children from symbiotic unions who are most often prone to drug addiction and alcoholism.
How to fix?
Get carried away with something, remember an old hobby and agree with the child that he will have to do some things on his own and without the help of his dad. You can start small - let him dress, eat, wash dishes or do homework without a father. At this time, the dad-bodyguard can do reading, collecting stamps or cleaning the house.
signs
Communication with the child is strictly regulated and subject to the rules. The father considers himself a priori right in everything for no apparent reason - simply because he is older, taller or stronger than his child.
Causes
Most likely, dad himself grew up in a family where he was constantly suppressed.
dangers
Children of authoritarian fathers are bad at explaining their emotions, experiencing everything silently and deeply in themselves. They are devoid of creative courage and flexibility of thinking, but at the same time they are good performers of tasks with clear formulations.
How to fix?
An authoritarian dad can start playing games with a child where he will act as a subordinate or those where he can lose by chance. It’s also helpful to ask your child to explain to dad something they don’t understand very well, such as how a particular smartphone app works.
condoning father
signs
The father does not notice the bad behavior of the child, and when strangers make a remark to him, he enters into disputes and conflicts with them, protecting his offspring. Constantly justifies the unseemly actions of the child. Allows you to do almost anything you want.
Causes
The weak character of the father and the inability to look at the child from the outside.
dangers
“Indulgence in any of his “I want” forms a psychopathic personality that will grossly violate any rules and norms,” says Tatyana Sviridova. According to her, most of the actions of such a child will be perceived as rudeness. At the same time, he will not learn to ask for forgiveness for his misdeeds, he will not be able to understand what makes everyone so angry and annoying, since he will never develop a sense of empathy.
How to fix?
You have to learn to look at the child from the side. After any act, he must receive feedback and understand whether he did well or badly. In case the kid has misbehaved, he needs to be explained that it is impossible to do this (and explain as strictly as possible). If the father is not able to scold the child, it should be done by the mother or, in extreme cases, the nanny. This will help set boundaries.
babysitter father
signs
Unable to objectively assess the age of the child - perceives him as younger than he really is. Makes excessively low demands on the child and literally blows dust particles off him.
Causes
A child had a long-term illness or a situation that could have ended in serious injury (for example, the baby almost got hit by a car). Feelings of guilt in front of a child can also turn a father into a nanny.
dangers
The child of the nanny father will be very capricious and selfish. Surrounding will be perceived not as independent individuals, but as a means to meet their needs.
How to fix?
Have another child or several at once. In addition, it is helpful to read about the developmental norms of the child and allow him to do what is characteristic of children of his age.
