Miracle Center - Women's Portal

I have lost the meaning of life. Nothing pleases me. I live with my husband, there is no one but him, but our relationship has become unbearable. Almost every week I want to get a divorce. But when I imagine myself alone, it becomes even sadder. Coming home from work to an empty house where no one is waiting for you and no one loves you. And what to do is not clear, to disperse or to live anyhow. In the midst of our last quarrel, he hit me, and now I don’t know how to treat him, because he fell in my eyes. And it’s bad with him and without him too. I don’t want children. I'm only 22 and I already want to die. I won’t build relationships with anyone else, I can’t and don’t want to, with my character this is generally problematic. Plus, I live in a very small town. I'm either at work or at home all the time. What to do is not clear. My husband is trying to save the family, he says that he loves, but I no longer believe in it. Yes, and financially I can’t pull it alone, I have a loan and repairs. Why do I need such a life? It's better to just die
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Olya, age: 07/22/2016

Responses:

Olga, it's not better to die. Be responsible strong woman! Judging by your age, you have been married not so long ago, think about the fact that you chose this person yourself, it means that something attracted you to him! The assault on his part is disgusting, for the first time you can forgive, but if it happens again, then it’s better not to endanger yourself and give both the opportunity to build their lives apart.

Irina, age: 07/28/06/2016

Hello Olga. It is very sad that you think about such a terrible outcome. Nothing is worse than death. No situation is worth your life. It seems to me that the reason is that your marriage was concluded too early, at a young age. You didn't have enough time to get to know each other before marriage. Still, this is a very responsible step. Often there is such a misunderstanding among young couples. But you can still save. Any marriage requires patience. Willingness to forgive each other. Ideal relationships, alas, almost do not exist. Another thing is that there should be a limit to everything. The fact that you quarreled with him is not so scary, although very unpleasant. But when he hits you, it's really bad. And your task is to show him that this state of affairs does not suit you at all. Choose a moment when you are both calm and remind him of this occasion. He should at least verbally apologize. The main thing is that he must understand that if this happens again, then extreme measures are inevitable. You will notice that his attitude will change towards you. He won't be as aggressive anymore. You will overcome this episode together, he will become more respectful of you. And in the future, try to avoid new scandals. If you see that the conditions for another quarrel have been created, just do not allow it to develop. Change the subject, go shopping, call someone, or put on your headphones. After a couple of minutes, both will cool down and you can continue to communicate. Believe me, he also does not want to quarrel, like you, he does not hold a grudge against you. These are all character traits. Learn to understand each other and your living together will become happy. Just don't think bad, Olga. Wish you happiness.

Arina, age: 50 / 07/07/2016

Hello, young, hot wife! If you yourself feel that your tough temper is "to blame" for conflicts, then you need to try to soften it. “I don’t want, I can’t, I won’t” - these are still childish whims that have not ended. What parents endure from a child, no one else will endure. But that's not even the point!
Try not to succumb to emotions, but to act more with reason, reasoning, and prudence.
After all, why is a woman looking for a husband?! To create something warm, cozy, expensive...
You won't even cook food for yourself! Have a snack with a buter - and okay. And when there are two of you, it’s not a pity for time to cook borscht, lettuce, cutlets. And have a sincere lunch together ... That's the pleasure! In care! In company. Together is always tastier, more fun and better!
Obey your husband, learn to take care of him and try to please everyone. Don't give rise to quarrels. If nothing pleases you, then there is always another way: to please a loved one. From his joy or pleasure, you will become a little warmer.
Newlyweds try to stand their ground at first, demand from their beloved, to introduce their own rules ... And what is the point in this, except for hassle and resentment ?! We need another person only to take care of him. Everything else we can get alone. But we have a deep need to care for someone! And we can't turn it off. When you feel alone, it is precisely this need that "speaks". Like hunger. You can't deceive hunger with chewing gum.
Thaw, "step back", learn everything! The blizzard on the soul will not always be!

Elena Ordinary, age: 40 / 07/07/2016

After 4 months, he proposed to me in front of the whole family, on one knee, gave me a gorgeous ring - everything was so beautiful! They wanted to get married. I was in seventh heaven with happiness - I was sure that it was HE! But in fact, everything was not as wonderful as it seems. He is a very emotionally unstable person. He was tormented by an unhealthy jealousy of my previous relationships and sexual partners - he constantly asked me about everything in detail, he wanted to know everything! And I, stupid, thought that if I was frank with him, he would feel better, and I told him everything. Everything just got worse. He kept being jealous of me, we kept fighting over it. But all this was intermittent. Between quarrels and jealousy, our relationship again turned into a fairy tale, full of love and tenderness. And we both believed that now everything would be fine, and together we dreamed of a strong family, three sons, a big beautiful house, and dreamed of growing old together. Against the backdrop of all the troubles, we decided to postpone the wedding. For me, it was a very difficult decision - like taking a step back in a relationship. I flatly refused to go to the registry office, but still he convinced me that it didn’t matter to him - he wants me to be his wife no matter what, and we will definitely get married - in a year or two - when we are really ready for this (it must be said here that we are no longer 18 years old .. I am almost 27, he is 25). We applied, set a date and time, and announced it to all family and friends. But the problems, as they were, remain. We continued to quarrel because of his jealousy. It was the hardest thing for him in this situation - he turned to psychologists, Orthodox confessors, tried to watch relevant films and read literature, but nothing helped. As a result, such a day came when he said that he was tired of offending me, and did not want to hurt me anymore - and we need to leave. I will say that at that time we lived abroad, and rented a common apartment, that is, "to leave" meant - to go to different rooms and stop sleeping together. We continued to live under the same roof - I suffered, he - pretended that he was fine. Or he actually felt good. Against the backdrop of all this, his mother hated me. She talked about me and accused me of bewitching him, that I was a kept woman (at that time I did not work), that I was not a couple for him .. She lectured him that he needed to end his relationship with me, and did it very masterfully - brainwashed him to such an extent that over time I stopped recognizing my loved one. At this time, I was finishing university, sitting on textbooks day and night. Instead of supporting me, my young man continued to get on my nerves, we parted and converged, he flew home, flew back to me with flowers and apologies, and swearing that this was the last time .. Parted again, flew away again. Those were the hardest months of my life. However, I had the strength to finish the university, and, as planned, we returned together back to our homeland - forever. We don't have our own place to live here. They planned to buy an apartment, but all the formalities would take at least six months. The first time (THREE DAYS) we lived with his parents (his mother had calmed down by that time), but in the end she kicked us out. We went to my parents - they accepted silently, although against the backdrop of all the events they were no longer so happy about him in our house. And we all continued to swear, offend, insult each other in quarrels. And we broke up again. He went to live with his parents. For three weeks I lay in bed, neither alive nor dead. My parents didn't know what to do with me. My friends couldn't get me out of the house.. And at that time he was resting, talking with friends, spending time in pleasure. Three weeks later, we got back together - we promised each other to try again, to give each other a chance ... He said that without me he is not him, and only I am HIS woman, and he will never be able to be with anyone else happy. Of course, there is no talk of any wedding. Now our relationship is rare (maximum 2-3 times a week) meetings in the evenings, from which I no longer get any pleasure. However, I do not have the strength and determination to put an end to it. I'm afraid I still love him, but I don't know if I really do. I still cherish the hope that we can be happy, although I understand with my head that no! He turned into a terrible egoist, prudent and selfish person! Tenderness, warmth and awe no more. His eyes, with which he looked at me in a way that no one had ever looked at before, went out and became strangers. But I still love him... I'm in a deep depression - from a fun-loving laughter, I turned into a boring, uninteresting bore. I do not want anything. I don't go anywhere. I was seized by laziness, apathy and complete indifference to life. I don't want to go on dates with him anymore, I don't want him to come to me - because I know that this will only bring me another portion of pain. And at the same time I pray on the phone, waiting for his call or SMS. But even without him, I can’t imagine my life - what if everything comes back? Please tell me what to do? How to find the strength in yourself to return to life, and part (or build relationships) with this person? What literature to read? Where to look for salvation? I want to be happy. But now in my life there is nothing but tears and disappointment. Thank you in advance!

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asks: Maria

Hello! It’s very difficult for me to figure out my relationship with an already former person ... We were together for 1.5 years, all this time I tried to please him (dressed modestly, didn’t argue, completely changed my lifestyle, stopped communicating with friends), in a word I lived with him. All this condition led me to the fact that I simply could not withstand such an onslaught and “compression” of myself (limitation) that I “exploded” and left him. A few months later we got back together ... but, this time I walked with friends and did everything that he limited me to. After the reunion, he was "broken" and at every meeting he said that I had betrayed him (I had no relationship with men, he was the first). Now we are not together. .. My parents found out that we got back together and forbade me to communicate with him ... To which he said that he wanted to walk with me, like those friends, and that there could be no talk of a wedding .. because I don’t sit at home , and I walk with a friend in the parks, broke his heart. My father called him to talk through me, but instead of coming and defending me (beloved), in front of his parents, he cursed us for this and turned off. A few weeks passed and he showed up again ... he says that he doesn’t need me like this, but at the same time he is watching me. Now he writes that I’m stupid and that I won’t meet someone like him and that I will suffer all my life and love only him ... Help with advice ... It’s hard for me with him, and it’s bad without him (

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist-psychoanalyst

I am a psychologist of a psychoanalytic school. In 2005 I graduated from the East European Institute of Psychoanalysis in St. Petersburg. Specialization - clinical psychologist-psychoanalyst. I am engaged in private practice. Practical experience in the specialty - 14 years.

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Hello. Maria. If this person in the candy (demonstration) period managed to squeeze you before the explosion, then think for yourself what will happen in the second phase of the relationship, when all the masks are removed from him. I think that you will be provided with tyranny for life. He knows how to suppress and coerce. But, he does not know how to love and appreciate. However, how you value your life is how you live it. Since you have the same right to choose as he does. It doesn't matter how many times a month he shows up and hunts down. It is important for you to think about yourself and your peace of mind. But, since this young man has magnetism for you, you yourself can weigh and decide how much your Value is worth.

Maria, what you describe is a prime example dependent relationships. It's not about love, it's about addiction.

According to your story, it is not clear why you feel bad without him?

But if any advice can be given here, then this is to maximize your life, your interests, make a firm decision (with your head!) About this person and abide by it (no matter how you are manipulated and tempted to the contrary).

Hello. I am 28 years old and have a daughter from my first marriage. I met a young man, agreed, the child called dad. We have been together for 4.5 years, diverged many times, the reason is jealousy. He even married another girl, but he couldn’t live with her, he did absolutely crazy things, on the day of painting with her he came to me from the registry office and stayed overnight, and came so many times with the words that it’s not his there, but here already dear. At this time, I began to communicate with him best friend, then another young man was. I thought that if I told you, he would leave me. That girl got pregnant, I told about myself, divorced her and returned to me. They lived for another year and a half, he got me with reproaches that I behaved obscenely, and it’s unpleasant for him to sleep with me now, to put it mildly, and he thinks about it all the time, decided that he couldn’t live with such a burden anymore and left. I was also tired and began to try to debug my life without him. A month has passed and now we meet, walk, sleep, correspond. We can't give up on each other forever. And together neither he nor I want to live like. What to do in this situation? We are marking time in one place, neither he nor I make new acquaintances, what kind of relationship is this, do they have a future, or will it again be excruciatingly painful? How to set yourself up? Why is this happening?

Love, Moscow, 28 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Love.

Once again I am convinced that the plots from real life may seem more surreal than any soap opera. But such plots and passions speak more about your mutual inability to live in normal relationships. Willingly or unwittingly, you create very strange weaves in your feelings. But at the same time, your relationship seems to go in waves: now one of you has a cooling, then the other has a claim. Perhaps each of you, in your own way, fears deeper intimacy in a relationship. That is, there are undoubtedly feelings, and most likely deep and strong, but there is not enough life wisdom, patience, and, perhaps, something else from the usual everyday skills of living together. Perhaps your family scenarios clashed somehow cruelly. Hence the twists and turns in the plots. I think that you really need each other, so you just can’t part. But that’s just why, and how to fit it into normal life, you can’t immediately say. We should try to figure it out. And without this, most likely you will be like two dogs in the manger: not only do you not feel happy yourself, but you also unwittingly draw other people into your unhappy relationship.

Sincerely, Panfilova Natalya Alexandrovna.