Hello! My name is Olga. I am 29 years old. My mother and I live together, my father has been gone for 3 years. she cleaned up like that, didn’t cook it that way, and she expresses it when we quarrel. It seems that when we don’t swear, it accumulates inside her, and during the swearing she pours it all out on me. She starts insulting me, humiliating me. She she began to drink often, and more often she does it because she has nothing to do. She has friends, I try to get her to go to the movies or cafes with them, in general, to talk, not to sit at home. She says she doesn’t want to, although she is on the phone with hangs with them for hours. But when I go somewhere (to my girlfriends or to a young man), I immediately become a loafer and am to blame for everything in the world. My young man does not suit her. we are going, it suits us, we have our own plans for this. He has no place to live, there is a two-room I’m an apartment, the three of us live, he, my brother and my mother. I got an apartment from my grandmother, but we decided to rent it out for now, we need money and I haven’t found a job yet. It’s too expensive to rent. and during the scandal he tries to convince me that he is not the person I need and that I am a fool for contacting him, etc. He is an absolutely ordinary young man, works, tries to achieve heights in his career, helps us whenever possible. I suspect that when we begin to live together and separately from my mother, she will not endure this and will get it with all possible options. Somehow there was such a case, I went to a young man for the weekend, so she called me the next morning and said, that she felt bad, I arrived right there and as it turned out that this was done so that I could just come home. I was shocked why all this was, because she herself was at my age and met young people. So today we quarreled. I went on business (more precisely, we were with a young man). I went home, my mother had already drunk (just like that, she felt like it), she began to talk to me in raised tones, I tried to answer calmly, but when she drank more and started screaming and calling me names, I could not stand it anymore and also screamed. She yelled at me she accused me of not going on business, but deceived her and didn’t know where. I sometimes have the feeling that I develop complexes from so many scandals and insults. And I noticed that after I get very nervous, my head starts to hurt. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to live peacefully. I can’t even talk to her calmly on this topic, she begins to raise her tone and deny everything. She considers her insults the norm.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! I am 26 years old. I am married and have a five year old daughter. I'm very complicated relationship with Mother. She gave birth to me at the age of 38. At that time, she was not married to her father, so that in which case there would be no problems with divorce. She had a difficult divorce process from her first husband. She gave birth to me for herself, because age was already running out and my grandmother said that you need to give birth, so as not to be alone in old age. My father cheated on her and they separated before I was born. She did not file for alimony and was considered a single mother. I have never seen my father until now. When I was 1.3, my mother went to work and until the age of 7.5 I lived with my grandmother in the village. Mom visited us only on weekends. I always cried a lot when she left and waited all week for the next weekend. Mom said that she was doing repairs in the apartment and could not pick me up. When I went to school she picked me up. And from that moment began not the best time for me. Mom always put pressure on me for grades - she scolded me for 4s and was dissatisfied, she beat me for triples, I didn’t have twos. For five with a minus, she said that it was possible to get five. Often lashed out at me because of nothing literally. Already in the first grade, I knew how hard it was to kneel on the salt. I knew that a narrow belt beats more painfully than a wide one. Having received a bad grade, I simply did not want to go home, because I knew what would happen. Then, six months or a year later, my mother began to teach me to wash dishes and clean the apartment. It was terrible. When she came home from work and saw a clean apartment, she first praised me, but when she found the slightest flaw in the cleaning, she began to say that she cleaned it badly. It often led to a scandal. I did my own lessons. Mom did not help me, she only checked me, and then only in elementary school. She often yelled at me. I liked to read several hour morals while cleaning or washing dishes, at the same time saying what was wrong with my plate. She said - do the right thing as I taught you. At that moment, I didn’t know where to go from fear. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There she helped in the garden and around the house. Sometimes I went out with friends. I had no friends in the city - I was always studying. And there was not much communication in the class either. I was withdrawn and always felt the worst. In the seventh grade, my mother said that after school I should go to the village to my grandmother, as she was old and had pressure. Every day after school I went to my grandmother on foot (about 3-4 km), did my homework, returned to the city in the morning and went to school, barely having time to change clothes and eat. Always like this. My mother's dissatisfaction grew with me. Gradually, she began not only to scold me and beat me, but also to insult me with not the best words (cow, cattle, creature). Sometimes the words were even stronger. In spring and autumn, in addition to studying, I also added work in the garden. And everything had to be combined. But I tried my best, I understood that it was hard for my mother and I needed help. In the 9th grade, my grandmother died and my life deteriorated. Mom began to break down on me even more often. She said that now no one will help her and will not regret it. And that it makes no sense to me. I always said that the children help the neighbors more and everyone around is normal, and I, like the devil knows who. Favorite expression was: "Children are a joy to everyone, but disgusting to me", "I gave birth to you, so that at least some help from you was, and you ...". Although I helped her a lot, the neighbors always sympathized with me. I always spent all summer holidays in the countryside, doing my mother's tasks around the house and in the garden. She praised me, but only when I did everything perfectly. If I didn’t do something or did something wrong, I got it. Every day, when she came home from work, everything inside me began to shrink and some kind of heat passed through my body. I always knew what would happen to me. I didn't know why, but I knew exactly what would happen. We never walked anywhere with her, only at home or in the garden. Money was also hard. I had almost no clothes. It used to be that I wore one sweater and one pants for a whole year. She basically refused child support. I graduated from school with a medal, entered a prestigious university in another city. Mom was proud of it. I rarely came home, once a month. And that was only because it was necessary. I never wanted to come home. In the first year, for the first month, everyone complained about how bad it was without a mother, but I was just fine. In my second year, I met a guy, my future husband. She told her mother only a year later. She, thank God, reacted normally to this. At the end of the 3rd year, he proposed to me. Mom was against it at first, she said that she needed to finish her studies. But then she agreed. On the 4th course I got pregnant. The child was planned, not by flight. But I was in no hurry to tell my mother. Then, nevertheless, the husband himself called and told his mother. At his words, my mother began to yell that it was necessary to use condoms and all that. Then she told me how I could not tell her that she was my mother and everything like that. Then she calmed down. When the child was born, the husband was not there. He was forced to leave. My mother did not help me with the child. Even on the first day after the maternity hospital, she left for the village, since she had business there. I didn't ask for help, I did everything myself. Then my mother still complained why I didn’t come to the village and help her. She said that she would help with the child only if I moved to her. But it was easier for me to be alone than with her under the same roof. Then my husband and I moved to another country. I called my mom once a week. But every month it was harder and harder for me to communicate with her once a week, I didn’t want to communicate at all sometimes. When I told her something good about our life, it was noticeable that she did not want to hear it. And when I once complained about the difficulties, my mother replied that I chose all this myself. I try not to complain to her anymore. Now we correspond on the Internet, sometimes we call each other. But even just writing to her is hard for me. It takes several days to tune in to write a message. In messages, my mother always writes how bad she is alone, how unhappy she is. In general, she was dissatisfied with everything in life, and now I have left her. She doesn't like it, sometimes she even expresses it to me. She says that children always come to others, and she is alone. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past year. On the one hand, I have feelings of hatred for her, and on the other hand, a feeling of pity and guilt. Recently I wrote to her that it’s hard for me to live like this and why she did this to me. She said that she knew that she was a bad mother, and that she would always bear this cross. She asked to forgive her. She even wrote that she would kill herself. I had to calm her down. Now it is very difficult for me to live and at the same time hate her and blame myself for leaving for another country. I help her financially to the best of my ability. But I don't want to talk at all. I don't even like it when she touches me. This is what worries me a lot. Constant thoughts oppress me every day more and more. I do not know how to cope with this contradiction and take one side. Help me please!
Victoria, hello!
I really feel how the relationship with your mother is driving you into a mental dead end. All your life you take care of your mother, and now, when you have begun to live your own separate life, you seem to have no right to it, a feeling of guilt arises in you, which continues to be supported and nurtured by her.
What happened to you as a child is outrageous. You, a little girl, were given inadequate and excessive demands, excessive responsibility, you were not given the opportunity to be a child. You had to grow up early and constantly control yourself. You have learned to be careful and not stick out, to do everything according to the rules. And there was no way to behave differently in that situation, you survived and adjusted to these harsh conditions, you were always on the alert, otherwise the closest person at that time could insult, humiliate you or even hit you. And for little Vika, that life was full of pain and fear, and now, your inner girl remembers all this, these feelings stayed with her and influence how you live now, what you feel and think.
I admire your strength, how you got through all of this, and how you were able to separate and move on your own path.
To me, your relationship with your mother looks distorted, inverted. It's like you need to parent them. And on her part, you are required to maintain her peace of mind, accept her mistakes, while she does not want to hear what is happening to you.
Honestly, I was in great indignation reading the letter - your mother gave birth to you for herself, and did not hide it, did not take you into account as a person, she was not interested in your needs and desires, and is not interested until now. Everything must revolve around her. And how dare you leave and take care of your life?!
The fact that it’s hard for you to communicate with her now is absolutely normal and natural. And how could it be otherwise? Where can the desire to share the innermost and the desire for bodily contact come from, if for most of life it was either ignored, or subjected to merciless criticism, or even could be dangerous to health. With all this, you do not leave her, you help her financially as much as you can.
Now you can take in a relationship with your mother such a distance that is comfortable for you. You can take care of yourself and your family first.
And if you want to deal with this contradiction, which does not allow you to breathe freely, even at a great distance from your mother, then it is important to allow yourself to express your feelings about her. And they will be different: love, hate, anger, pain, resentment, sadness. You are entitled to all these experiences. Share in yourself your feelings and expectations from the feelings and expectations of your mother, which you absorbed in your childhood. Learn to support yourself and allow yourself to enjoy life and the fact that you are moving your own way, making mistakes and doing “imperfect”. I see a lot of strength and courage in you.
Victoria, if you need support or advice, you can always write to me by mail Best regards, Svetlana Bashtynskaya
4.5 Rating 4.50 (12 Votes)
Olga Korikova
Hello! I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
I am in a strong psychological dependence on my mother. In this regard, it is difficult for me to make decisions, to do something, I am alone.
Olga Korikova
Hello Ekaterina Krupetskaya! I entered this forum for the first time, because I really need help, advice from participants and psychologists, just people! I used to be interested, occasionally, in the advice of psychologists, read messages on various forums. Even 10-15 years ago, due to troubles in communication, relationships with people, I went to a psychologist, I needed advice. But more often I read different literature, including on psychology. I wanted to limit myself to reading today. But it's hard for me now. I need support. Although I try to decide everything myself (which is in my power and capabilities).
It seemed to me that, to some extent, I could look at situations from a psychological point of view.
But ... It's easier to give advice than to find yourself in a difficult situation.
I'll tell you about my problem. Since childhood, I lived in a fairly complex family. With mother, grandmother and brother.
Because the life of my mother and father was unbearably difficult, she returned to her mother and took us - me and my brother with her. My childhood was very difficult. Grandmother did not love, poisoned, morally pressed (I often stayed at home with my grandmother as a child, because my mother went to work). Grandmother kept me in the highest tension, fear and obedience (although I did not understand this). She constantly, almost every day (with or without me) complained to her mother about me, my "disgusting character, laziness, selfishness, bad heredity (she said that I looked like my father), etc." Although it was all a lie, everything that my grandmother said about me. I was a very open, kind, naive and vulnerable child.
It is not joyful for me to remember this ... Vices, prison, indifference - that's what my grandmother's outwardly benevolent attitude towards me was like. What can I say if she did not love me so much that she dreamed that I would go to live with my father and often said this out loud ...
Mom, unlike my grandmother, treated me in a completely different way ... Crazy Love, Adoration?
Very strong attachment? Even jealousy? A pity? It's hard to say what my mother felt and feels for me ... All this, all these feelings are there. And I appreciate it, no doubt. But together with Love, mom and terribly, just pressed hard and presses me! She lived and lives my life. She did not let me do anything since childhood, she made decisions for me. The slightest resistance on my part, my mother met not just coldly, but often made scandals for me and in these scandals she “slinged mud”, humiliated, and again and again blamed, reproached and listed all my vices and shortcomings! And a day later - again affection and "lisping", as with a little one ... And I was 20 and 25 years old ... Adoration and benevolence, and, quite possibly, after 2, 3 minutes cold and even anger ... then a scandal ... I lived with her "like on a powder keg", absolutely not understanding what my mother would do or say in the next second...
I am lonely, young, but I have no friends, no girlfriends ... There is no and never was, never a personal life ...
Olga Korikova, there are many feelings in your story, ambiguous, painful. I know it's hard to remember. Can you tell us a little about today's life? How old are you? Do you still live with your mom? Is grandma still alive? What is your relationship with your brother?
What is your education and profession? Do you work? Are you financially self-sufficient? Do you have friends? How do you prefer to relax? What are your hobbies?
Olga Korikova
I am 36 years old. By education I am a technician - technologist (secondary technical) and a personnel manager (higher).
But I don't like it.
By the will of my relatives (grandmother suggested) I entered at the age of 16 and studied at the assembly technical school (I hated it), by the will of my mother, against my will (again there was a scandal) at 26 I entered the Institute of Management, Economics and Business (I hated even more), even tried to transfer to another institute ... in vain ...
I was born and lived in a poor family. Yes, even with people who "pray" for their beliefs! A conversation on the topic "Poor means an honest person, etc." my grandmother led every day, literally driving this position into us - me and my mother. Mom was also lonely and completely dependent on her grandmother (just some kind of moral slavery). Grandmother lived not so much her own life as the life of her mother - she constantly taught, gave advice, crushed ... Mom behaves in the same way towards me. How excruciatingly hard...
Get a job with a special it didn’t work out (yes, I didn’t want it), and therefore I worked wherever I had to.
The difficult conditions of the places where I worked for 15 years took a lot, a lot of strength and health, I began to get sick a lot and often, I was often on sick leave ...
I lived with my mother and grandmother and brother (who never loved me), studied, worked. There were no friends or girlfriends. There were short-term relationships with people who quickly broke down and I was alone again.
There were and are very difficult, strained relations with my brother ... Or rather, we have no relationship. And, however, I also feel dependent on him - I feel his dissatisfaction with me (as if I always owe and owe him something)
I prayed to God to somehow live separately from my mother, because from the horror of life together, from the total, heavy control, requirements and supervision, I almost "got crazy" ... It so happened, there were circumstances that my mother temporarily moved to live in another city, and I live in another ... My God, she again demands that I sell the apartment here as soon as possible and move to live with her forever!
Constant demands from her, all the time talking about moving, etc.
Recently, I have been going to the Clinic for treatment (because I have had heart problems since childhood (mitral valve prolapse + head problems have been added (headache, vision has deteriorated, etc.) + the opportunity to just relax in another city, new impressions. .. Getting ready for the road is a big problem for me.I am alone, in poor health, get tired quickly, and talking on the phone with my mother is oppressive, suppressing (talking about my unsettledness, about the need to move to her, about poverty, etc. ) My hands just "fall apart" and I don't feel like doing anything. I cry all the time... I try to hold on, but it's hard for me.
Grandmother passed away in 2008. I thought that nightmare, that anger, that hatred behind... But my mother, she poisons me no less and terrorizes me with her heavy guardianship...
I am not working now. I haven't worked since 2014. The last place of work was in a state organization (something like the police), I was not certified. But it was very hard for me. Harassment of colleagues, misunderstanding and + just a very difficult, tense atmosphere in the organization itself ... Finding a job in a provincial city is very difficult. If there are no connections, etc. All this depresses me. + loneliness...
Olga Korikova, it is felt that your condition is heavy inside, there is some kind of hopelessness in the story. If you have not worked for about two years, what do you live on?
Does your brother also depend on his mother or does he have his own life? Is he married, does he have children? Where does he live?
Is your mother still working or not? Does she have a personal life? Do you know anything about your father? Did you interact with him as an adult?
Olga Korikova
Catherine, I will try to answer.
As for hopelessness in life, you are right. From childhood due to difficult relationship in a family, I often did not want to live ... Also, due to the lack of vitality, soreness, weakness, complexes and inability to do something, it was also very difficult for me then and now, sometimes I did not want to live ...
This state of mind has always been there. But this is, as it were, just a part of my inner state ... Because I love life very much, it is full of joy and optimism, the desire to act, discover new things, meet people, be loved, discover my creative potential, etc. So it was Always. This seems contradictory only at first glance.
I would also like to gain financial independence from my mother. In general, I would like to get out of poverty and a lonely state ...
As for my father, our relationship with him is a separate issue. Believe me, sometimes I can’t believe that I am the daughter of such a person ... Mom’s life with this person (she was married for 8 years) was unbearable! My father is a very simple, primitive, narrow-minded person. He never did anything physically around the house, everything was done by his mother, he just used her as property. Weak and indecisive, selfish and a consumer - he stole money from his mother, lost his mother's money in cards, demanded more and more ... He oppressed her in sex. plan - even showed violence. It was disgusting for her to be with him in this regard (and in all other plans of life, life, etc.), but she tolerated, obeyed and was afraid of him ... The last years of marriage with him began to threaten her health and life, and also life children ... He even made several attempts to get rid of us - mother and his children - once he turned on all the gas camphors without lighting the fire, tightly closed all the windows and doors and ... went outside and waited for us to suffocate .. Scandals and threats, showdowns were constant, he even beat his mother (even when she was pregnant) and constantly demanded money, food and sex!
This is not a person - it is rather a disgusting animal or plant, some kind of slug, or a leech that sticks to someone and uses ... I'm ashamed to say, but I will say ... When I was a 2-4 year old baby, he (when mom was not at home or she didn’t see) took off his underpants, touched his place and let me, his daughter, play with “his toy,” as he said ...
My mother lived with my father for 8 years... At the age of 6, I went with my mother (she divorced) and my brother to live with my grandmother (my mother's mother)... I have already told a little about the hell my life with my grandmother was.. From the age of 6, thank God, I never saw my father again, but I suffered painfully from the lack of male paternal affection (but not this "father") ...
My brother has a family. Wife and son. They live separately from us... But from them one can feel (even at a distance) malice and demands and claims to us - to me and my mother... Everyone always owes these people...
Mom works and receives a pension. I live on this pension and + some savings (in the bank). I barely have enough to live on, I try to limit myself in everything ... And this is painful ...
Mom does not have and never had a personal life. And no friends. She has now "hit" into religion, imposes religious literature on me, asks me to go to church, again presses, teaches and hears only herself ...
It's just hard for me to figure it out without help... The Soul hurts from this strong dependence and mental suffering...
As I understand it, you are a thinking person; you strive to understand yourself, for example, with the help of books and articles on psychology. Based on what you understand and know about your situation, what advice would you give to yourself?
You emphasize that you consider the main problem to be your mother's persistent, if not obsessive, attention to you, her overprotectiveness. At the same time, you write that you have a number of serious illnesses, do not work and do not see opportunities to get a job - both because the small city does not provide opportunities for this and because of health problems. Live on your mom's pension. How, in your mother's place, would it be possible to leave you, as it seems to you, given that you are sick and unable to take care of yourself in a material sense? How would you see the resolution of this contradiction?
Did I hear correctly that the topic of relationships is very important for you in general? From what you wrote, one can hear that with all the people significant to you since childhood (mother, grandmother, brother, father) and with all the other people from the outer circle for you, you did not develop satisfying relationships. What do you yourself, taking into account your knowledge in the field of psychology, think on this issue?
Olga Korikova
Good morning, Catherine! Thank you for being with me.
I will try to explain, as far as possible, what my aspirations and desires are, what I expect and what I myself think about this. And about what torments me so, torments, excites me ...
When I was 18 years old, I applied to a male psychologist in connection with serious troubles in a relationship with a young man. The fact is that he crushed and humiliated me morally, especially with classmates. I was afraid to go to a technical school, because almost every day he pestered me. We had sexual contact (he infected me with a sexual infection), and then his sexual harassment became constant and often in front of everyone ...
I turned to a psychologist ... He helped me to some extent. But rather in complacency, rather than solving the problem. I had to resort (on the advice of a friend) to the help of the police (I wrote a statement against him to the prosecutor's office, they handed the statement to the police) ... After the policeman had a conversation with him, this guy, the attacks on me stopped ...
What advice could I give myself? I already gave it to myself - I decided to turn to a psychologist through the forum, because I think and am convinced that you can’t run away from wise advice, from those thoughts, from that vision of the situation that an experienced and qualified psychologist has, because my problem lies precisely in the field or space of psychology ... Your advice and questions, Ekaterina, are very interesting to me, because you see everything from a different point of view. I spoke in my message about problems with my mother, and you suddenly asked me about my father, I was even somehow surprised and confused, because I myself didn’t think about it at all ...
This is not at all about the fact that I want to leave completely or break off relations with my mother, because her support, both moral and material, is absolutely necessary for me, because I am completely alone. By no means do I refuse to support her. And I don’t want to leave her, and not support myself! No! This is a very close and dear person to me. We are talking about the fact that since childhood, and then it gets worse and worse, I am and was in a strong, painful, oppressive dependence on my mother. She is also dependent on me, because she has been lonely all her life and she herself was in such a heavy unbearable dependence on her mother.
I want to learn, try to distance myself from my mom. But I don't know how to do it. I am looking for protection from this constant, unrelenting pressure of her on me, and I would like not to put pressure on her either. We have become somehow too close, it weighs me down when my mother crawls into my Soul, teaches me, and does not let me live on my own ... I can’t physically do anything around the house (of course I do, but with excruciating difficulties), especially when we will quarrel with my mother (yesterday, we literally spoke again on the phone, from her dissatisfaction, demands, claims) ...
As for relationships, you are absolutely right. This topic has been very important to me since childhood.
It hurts to talk about it and it is strange, but... it is necessary... Relations with people did not work out for me. I was mostly alone, I didn’t meet and didn’t feel (with my openness and trust) even from my mother. I lived in fear, eternal tension, haste ... I (as I began to understand) was a child unloved from childhood, I accepted a tough attitude towards me as the norm, etc. Sometimes it seems to me that I will never be loved, happy, I won’t find friends, that loneliness is my destiny, etc. I try to change myself, improve myself ...
Olga, how do you like the idea of trying to write a short essay on the topic: "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."
Let's imagine that, for example, you wake up one fine day and realize that this problem is no longer in your life. At all! At the same time, your mother has not gone away, and you continue to receive support from her in the amount necessary for you, but this does not have any painful consequences. Imagine? Write, please, what feelings do you experience this morning, when the problem seems to have disappeared? What you are doing? How is your day going?..
Olga Korikova
Ekaterina, it seems to me that I am a rather strong person. But, after reading your message, proposals, I almost burst into tears... I barely held back the tears that came out in my eyes... I never even thought about it, seriously, I could not! This is for me some incredible, fantastic and unrealizable happiness!
What will I do, "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."? I am so shocked and shocked that I don’t even know what to say ... From birth to my 36 years old, I lived and live in this difficult condition, it became the sad norm of my life, and suddenly this will not be ... And at the same time, my mother will be in good health, life and joy! My God! How I want it! How I dream!
Forgive me, this my emotionality, expression of feelings, but I expected something else from you ... I thought that you might ask or offer to tell in more detail what this control and even mother's terror manifests itself in, and you are suddenly so calm, without hesitation, talk about presenting a picture of life that is completely impossible for me ... I am very grateful to you for this! Since I am trying to think about such a turn and about freedom in relations with my mother, and this is, believe me, such a balm for the soul!
So "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."
The world saw differently! With this, I would have gained Faith simply in freedom in relations with people, because this was not the case before ...
I would get up early, early in the morning (because every minute of life is precious), I would admire the dawn, and cry from the happiness of inner freedom! .. Calmness and Joy would fill my soul, dreams would carry me into the endless distance of the future! I would think of my mother, mentally wishing her happiness and good luck ...
Slowly and slowly, without feeling guilty, I would cook breakfast, and open the window in the kitchen, enjoying the birdsong and the splendor of nature ...
Since I am a self-sufficient person, I would strive for an independent image, way of life. Since it is necessary to live, eat, dress at my own expense - I would work, and only at the job that corresponds to my desires (creative process). Therefore, I would come to work, work, communicate with colleagues, but keep a natural distance. On this day, I would call my friends, friends, and I would be pleased if they also called me. I'm not talking about long conversations (because at work it's inconvenient and impossible), but about a few minutes. and then, perhaps during breaks in work.
In the evening I would like to spend time with a loved one - a man. But not every evening. I would like to spend time with friends, girlfriends in a cafe or in another place. I really like to dance, sing, laugh, joke and, probably, for friends I would be a boring person.
My God! How difficult it is to write, I don’t know what! I want freedom, travel, self-improvement, create and realize my plans! I like creativity in different aspects - art, music and dance, cinema, books, theater! I write poetry, I like to understand and rise above the situation...
I would probably clean the whole apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains!
Silly desire, right - to wash the curtains? I just never washed or ironed or cleaned (my mother did everything against my will), she felt sorry for me ...
And, of course, on this day and on others, I would warmly think of my mother and sometimes call her, maybe she would sometimes, and not every day, call me ...
I read it myself now ... all this is some kind of sand castle ... stupid dreams ...
some immaturity...
and it also hurt so much, as if someone had torn me away from my mother, like tearing off a piece of skin and ... throwing it in the trash ...
Olga Korikova, what serious work you are doing on yourself now! This, in my opinion, is very healing. And the fact that after feeling free and experiencing this fantasy that is pleasant in all respects, a feeling of longing, a feeling of abandonment came to you, only confirms how right a step you have taken in your thoughts. Of course, the presence of even just a strong attachment to a person can be very seriously limiting, and the presence of such a long and difficult dependence can be even more so.
I did not find the moments you described infantile - not at all. On the contrary, there was a feeling that an adult, free person, who manages his life, knows what he wants and enjoys life, is talking. For some reason it seems to me that this part is very strong in you. Olga, tell me if you try to implement some of the things you wrote about without shelving. Well, for example, to clean the apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains - could you? If you try to imagine that this is your first step towards freedom and the fulfillment of your desires, and not someone else's desires ... How do you like this idea?
Olga Korikova
Catherine, thank you for your support! Your opinion is very important to me!
I am glad that my dreams and desires did not seem infantile to you.
Because I could, and I expected rather, the opposite. That, perhaps, you would tell me (as many of my environment (for example, at work) or someone I know said) that I am "head in the clouds" and in my own way - weak and incapable of action - " mother's daughter." And that there was nothing at all to do with a certain dependence on my mother, because I simply invented it (this dependence), etc., etc. So my mother herself said repeatedly, everyone said so, and I was only convinced, rooted in the feeling, that I am such a “rag”, a weak-willed creature, the daughter of the same weak-willed and miserable father, etc. All my life I tried to change, I looked for methods for this, I re-read a lot of different literature, I tried to overcome myself in life, situations, etc.
As for the first step, eg. clean the apartment, wash the windows, etc. I made it a long time ago. But it was and is from childhood excruciatingly difficult. Now I live alone and do everything on my own, but I have to literally force myself to clean, cook, etc. It’s worth putting things in order, putting everything away, it lasts a maximum of 2-3 days, then I stop doing anything at all, “hands drop ", presses melancholy, a burden of guilt, a state of loneliness, and in order to make it at least a little easier, I watch various funny programs, films on the Internet (in which love and laughter and friends and a person are free ...), it becomes easier, and everything is cluttered around, garbage, unwashed dishes, abandoned things ...
I must say that my grandmother and mother, at the suggestion of my grandmother, all my life, always maintained cleanliness, order, worked constantly and very hard! And they (such a paradox), unlike me, had just a sea of vitality, a lot, some kind of fire! .. You can say they "prayed for cleaning, washing, work, work and work again" ... And therefore, my grandmother simply hated me - because I was weak, sickly and even infirm (because there was no vitality at all). Cleaning for me was always a painful problem, I hated cleaning, the dacha (because my mother and grandmother spent a lot of time there), and I was with them ...
But they were very lonely. But my father and even my grandfather - these people did absolutely nothing around the house (their wives did everything), and they were sloppy, lazy, aggressive, cold, with great claims, but they still somehow communicated with friends ... My father's level of development in all aspects was very low.
With horror, I see in myself his hated traits - both weak will and insignificance and the praise of my insignificance and eternal complaints, illnesses, discontent, and a low level of intelligence ...
And at the same time, the features of a mother and, probably, a grandmother. Since childhood, I adore cleanliness, order, comfort, beauty in everything.
And the unbridled desire for knowledge, development, improvement!
But! It is extremely difficult to implement this. When I lived with my mother, she could directly say, ask, even somehow order me to do something, with difficulty, pain and inner heaviness, I agreed, cleaned or went shopping, etc. And then lay down on the sofa and lay dormant for several days. I only dreamed of how to part with my mother ...
It is morally difficult for me to clean up, in general, to do something, I begin to rush, fuss, scold myself, even demand! I have always had and still have the feeling that I am inside (especially when I try to do something or communicate with someone) just tied with ropes and chains, twisted! But I overcome myself again and again, I do something ... after futile attempts, I stop doing something at all and for hours, days or aimlessly, I lie dejectedly on the couch or communicate with people in the social. networks (mainly men). For some reason, they write the same "freaks", sorry, like my father or brother ... And even worse ...
Olga Korikova, it seems to me that you have now largely realized what you are talking about, that you are only dreaming about: you live separately from your mother, no one can force you to do what you do not want, right? You communicate with men on the Internet, so there is a chance that you will want to meet one of them. Perhaps such meetings have already taken place?
What do you think would be the next step towards distancing yourself from your mom?
Olga Korikova
Catherine, you are certainly right. To some extent, I have already realized my dreams, especially since I have been fighting for this for so many years! And I will fight! BUT! It's too much, it's too much, it's negligible from the thoughts that fill me, those desires that carry me forward! ..
This can be compared with that prisoner who spent his whole life in a dungeon, and he was lucky enough to inhale a little air, and perhaps a little more water ... But he is bound, and is not free from ropes, chains.
The rope, or chains, probably became a little longer ... But he painfully understands and feels that he is a prisoner ...
It is no coincidence that I wrote that I would cry with happiness if I were free from the clutches of this addiction and that I would open the windows every morning. This, as I myself understand, is an inner desire for freedom! Even now I open the window or windows, and it’s easier to breathe, but inside it’s like an anchor and an unbearable load ...
Mom told me (because I was very interested in this issue) about her relationship with my mother ... I asked my mother why did you leave her for another city? Mom answered that she wanted freedom. That it was very difficult for her from the vice, pressure, authoritarianism, the eternal unsolicited advice of her mother. I asked my mother if she had freedom in her relationship with her mother, she sadly and surprised answered "No! What freedom I was suffocating from control, heavy atmosphere, etc."
It seems to me that my mother inherited this position of authoritarian behavior from her mother ...
What steps am I going to take to distance myself from my mom? The question is difficult...
But I'll try to answer it...
I believe that it is necessary to break off the previous relationship with my mother, destroy it, somehow untie it or something, because they have already completely outlived themselves! BUT! I think this is a very painful and difficult process for both of us! I would like to take these steps and do it so as not to rape myself, not to force, not to upset and disturb my already vulnerable mother. Take these steps as delicately as possible, BUT ... DO! ..
Otherwise, I do not see the possibility of at least some changes ...
Ekaterina, I noticed that I was too immersed in my mother's life and let her immerse myself in mine!
Perhaps if I stop telling in detail and generally talking about my life, every day, what I ate, what hurts, what I did, with whom I communicate and (!) I don’t constantly “live her life”, then this will be my step towards trying distance yourself from your mother.
I also think that you need to SERIOUSLY, calmly start and already accept independent life as a given! Although now my mother demands that I move forever to live with her! But! Not only am I not in a hurry, but I am trying to soberly, calmly, and carefully assess the situation. I am delaying the move, but I myself am doing everything possible (even went to this psychological forum) so that this does not happen. I'm trying to rebuild my thoughts and views... Life together will destroy us both! This (as I, with surprise, begin to understand) cannot be allowed!
And about communication with men - this is a separate issue. Fear of them... and the only thing I can do is just write to each other (I'm not talking about any meetings, I haven't met any of them). And these men, they are worse than animals, sorry, but that's the way it is...
Olga Korikova, tell me, at what moment do you feel the strongest dependence on your mother? Can you try to describe? During a conversation with her or immediately after? Or does it have nothing to do with the conversation at all? Who usually calls: you mom or she you? How is the conversation going? Does it happen daily? Who ends the conversation?
Many women do not understand how important a good relationship with their mother is. They suffer from the fact that she takes up too much space in their lives. The image of a condemning or approving figure, the need to earn her recognition is oppressive, does not allow you to start your own life. “Fixing your relationship with your mother means adding calmness and confidence to life, feeling happier,” says psychologist Terry Apter.
It is not uncommon for the daughters of powerful, commanding, and all-knowing mothers to move to another city, country, or otherwise distance themselves. Behind the grandiose-dominant figure of the mother, it can be difficult for them to discern an ordinary woman, the same as they are: with ups and downs, successes and disappointments, with the right to make mistakes, feelings and desires.
In order for the mother and daughter to be able to move on without losing each other, both need to go through mourning for the child-parent relationship that connected them before. Unfortunately, a smooth transition from the relationship of mother and child to friendship or at least mutual respect does not always occur.
A growing daughter is joy and pride. The results of hard work, sleepless nights, tears shed. Reflection of maternal appearance, character and habits in a new person. But a growing daughter is also sadness for her own youth, departed joys and unfulfilled dreams. Sorrow for your baby, irrevocable motherhood, a sense of self-importance.
A mother needs to see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother.
Mothers need to give up omnipotence - real or imagined, become more flexible, see in their daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother. The mother's task is to convey to her daughter the correct maternal identification: the ability to see and respect a separate personality in her child.
According to Caroline Eljacheff and Nathalie Einisch, French psychoanalysts and co-authors of Mothers and Daughters: The Third Extra, only with this approach does the mother get the opportunity to “build a relationship with her daughter that, without negating the past, allows you to find a compromise in the present.”
Sometimes a mother is not ready to let go of her daughter, to accept a woman in her. Then the daughter can teach her a lesson by showing that she is already old enough, which means that their relationship implies equality and respect. But separated, it is important to maintain respect for the mother.
For a woman, relations with her mother are complicated by the fact that, despite all the insults and misunderstandings, she will sooner or later have to identify with her in order to discover the maternal function in herself. The more acceptance a daughter can find in herself in relation to her mother, the less conflict her own motherhood will be for her.
The growing up of the daughter is inevitably accompanied by the aging of the mother - sooner or later the asymmetry of power and care will be turned upside down, the daughter will have to take care of her own mother. It is important for both to be able to agree and find a compromise before the mother loses the physical and / or mental ability to do so.
Watching the gradual fading of her mother, the daughter says goodbye to the person who brought her into this world, says goodbye to her childhood and at the same time loses the last barrier separating her from death herself.
Deep inside, we all want our relationship with our mother to be special and intimate. Unfortunately, reality often diverges from the ideal. This is not as bad as it might seem at first glance.
Try to imagine a real relationship - instead of an imaginary idyll, they have a place for mutual insults and joys. Instead of an impeccably beautiful or, conversely, a devilishly terrible image of a mother that lives in your soul, there is a real person with their own advantages and disadvantages. So you can establish a more lively and sincere contact, see the usual human manifestations in the mother.
No matter how difficult your dialogue is, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.
American psychologist Paula Kaplan advises to take an interest in the mother's story - to look at her life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. As a child, you can hold a grudge and anger for some words, actions or inactions of your mother, but as an adult woman and evaluating her life from the height of your experience, you may be able to understand, forgive and accept something.
The generation of women now in their 60s was brought up in conditions of acute scarcity and rigid moral principles, which could not but leave an imprint on them, including as mothers.
As both mother and daughter mature and become more aware of each other's character, attitudes, and values, the desire to break through the established mother-daughter roles to a deeper understanding becomes stronger.
Terry Apter is sure that returning to earlier roles - picky mother or capricious child - can interfere with the development of relationships in adulthood. “Speak with the full force of your adult personality,” the psychologist advises. “Then the mother is more likely to respond to you as an adult rather than as a child.” As difficult as your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.
Maria, 38, recalls being completely shattered when her always active and successful mother suddenly became depressed, divorced her father and moved to another country. “For many years I blamed her and wished only one thing: that she would do everything differently and correct her mistake,” says Maria. “Only now I understand how hard this decision was for her, how wisely she acted - she stopped torturing herself, her father and all of us.” Maria believes that life in different countries helped both of them to distance themselves from the situation and reassess the past. Now they treat each other with great respect.
Time apart helped 60-year-old Alexandra get closer to her daughter. “When Anna left for Canada, we began to correspond. It was easier in letters than by phone to express thoughts and feelings that we had never voiced in a live conversation. I missed her a lot, but the first year I did not come to visit. She once wrote: "This is your time, enjoy it."
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters.
Such a relationship with a mother is like a friendship. Both mother and daughter are involved in each other's lives, but respect personal space. This allows them to overcome trials and enjoy the good news together. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, Anna behaved very nobly - she invited me to live with her, and every day I could see my granddaughter,” says Alexandra. “It’s like we made an unspoken promise: we can be together, but at the same time, each one lives and goes about her life, no matter how difficult it may be.”
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters. The main thing is that you definitely will not have another mother. Realizing this, you can, if not stop being angry at your mother for her mistakes, then at least try to behave like an adult woman and build communication from this position. Then the relationship between you will become, if not ideal, but conscious, and your life will become more calm and happy.
Show interest. What was your mom's life besides motherhood? How was her childhood, youth? What did she dream about, what came true, what does she regret? Try to look at your loved one from the side, not only as a daughter. This will provide an opportunity to re-evaluate the motives of her actions.
Look for similarities. Yes, you are different, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes. Maybe you have common hobbies or you like to cook for loved ones, just like your mother once cooked for you. Ultimately, both of you are women. The more sides you are willing to accept, the less resentment will poison your life.
Communicate. Try to talk about something that has never been talked about before. So you can move away from the usual communication style that was formed in childhood, and at the same time learn something new about a loved one.
Speak straight. What do you expect from your mother, how do you see your relationship? If you clearly and confidently express your position, the other side is likely to treat it with respect. Directly ask your mother: “What can I do for you?” Remember, it is probably more difficult for her, due to her upbringing, to say this. Pleasant little things with which you can please each other will help to get closer. As a rule, mothers need so little.
Write a letter. Work on the inner attitude towards your mother that you carry within you. One way to forgive and let go is to write a letter outlining all your feelings, grievances, and wishes.
Adult daughters often complain that their mothers are trying to teach them about life, scolded for the fact that they communicate incorrectly or too harshly with their husbands. In turn, the daughters demonstrate with might and main their wealth and independence, they say, and I myself will deal with my life.
Needless to say, what such situations result in when one side presents them in the form of claims and moralizing, while the other does not want to see at least something good in them. In this case, both mother and daughter suffer.
Is it possible to improve relations with the mother in adulthood and find harmony in the family?
“Because mother and daughter tend to have a very close relationship, they are potentially fraught with many joys and great pain. Particularly painful is the fact that both feel an abnormality of irritation and alienation, which, in their opinion, should not arise between them. When that happens, both really suffer,” says Paula Kaplan, Ph.D., author of Don’t Blame Your Mother.
We will give you some tips to help you get closer to your dearest person, leaving behind endless quarrels.
Since mother and daughter tend to have a very close relationship, they are potentially fraught with many joys and great pain.
Take her place. Of course, the nature of conflicts between mother and daughter can be different, but the vast majority of experts in psychology assure that the basis of mother's dissatisfaction with her own life very often lies. A growing daughter is joy and pride, but at the same time, it is sadness for her own youth and unfulfilled dreams.
Health problems, unsuccessful ones, unfulfilled one's own ambitions - lead to periodic dumping of negative emotions on loved ones.
Maybe you should wait for the right moment and talk heart to heart with her? Try to build relationships that, without crossing out the past, will allow you to find a compromise in the present.
Seek balance. American psychologist Paula Caplan (Paula Caplan) advises to look at the life of the mother from the outside, in order to re-evaluate her actions. The generation of our mothers (women now in their 60s) was brought up with an acute shortage of emotions and intolerance for the manifestation of individual feelings.
As a child, you may hold a grudge over a lack of attention, or some of your mother's actions, but as an adult woman, you may be able to understand the reasons for this behavior, and try to forgive and accept.
As mother and daughter mature, their desire to break through established mother-daughter roles grows stronger. Psychologists in this case advise you to talk to your mother in the full force of your adult personality. Then the mother is more likely to respond to you as an adult than as a child.
consult. It is very important for mom to know that you need her no less than 20 years ago. Ask her how she prepares her specialty, or ask for advice about the tablecloth.
Your mom will see that she is still the first person you turn to for help and that her life experience, which has been accumulated over the years, is being put to good use.
Yes, you are complete opposites with your mother, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes.
Find clues in conversations. Try to properly voice your dissatisfaction. Instead of the phrase "you never listen to me, you don't care how I feel!" you can say "please listen to me, I'm sure you will understand me", and the words "of course, you have the most terrible daughter in the world!" it is better to replace it with "your praise means a lot to me."
Rethink Mom's Actions. We harbor a grudge against our mother for years, not trying to figure out the situation and answer ourselves the question, what would we do in her place. At the same time, actions that seemed unfair to us can, in fact, be rational and balanced.
