Between two fires: to choose a mistress or a wife?
Women regularly turn to me with a request for help - it is necessary to “repel” the husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.
And I tell everyone who applied the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, a husband) cannot decide anything in such situations. Can't just physically.
Let's explain on the fingers.
In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of an entrance, a participant in a theater studio, a son, grandson, friend, matchmaker, godfather, brother, and so on.
Man belongs to these systems with varying degrees of affection. And - what is important! - the more attractive the system is for him, the more he is attached to it, the more the system attracts him.
Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and no more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive, to bind to it.
I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life”, but here we’ll just fix it - a person lives in such systems, and these systems differ in their degree of attractiveness.
As long as we live in a situation where different systems have different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - the priorities are set, the goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and the compote for the third.
Problems begin where both systems become equally attractive.
Here, for example, is a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not wrapped up in children and everyday life, she is always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is undeniably attractive.
But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, common children, an established life, a fair amount of wear and tear. The “wife” system is attractive, though in a different way, but no less.
This is where these crazy swings begin, when a man decides, they say, that's it, I'll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind a crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever .... And in a week he is going back - home to his wife.
At this moment, the wife is happy, the children relaxed, everything fell into place .... And in a week the man is going back - there, to his mistress.
It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed, since he cannot decide (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).
In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person cannot use it.
To be torn in such a situation is extremely natural for a person. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off the tail (for lack of a tail).
It can’t, a person simply can’t take and choose in such a situation - he doesn’t have enough resources in his head for this.
And here we come to the most difficult moment - to solve this situation.
I assure you you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than sweet lies, at least in some matters.
Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has a task to keep a man (although why is he needed like that?), Then you need to wait and endure.
The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all the others it is the most effective. So to say - the best among the worst.
Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need not to push.
Indeed, at some point, the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to decide, and then her attractiveness for a man will begin to decline sharply (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly come across this at work).
And the wife at this time is silent and does not require anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, she is drawn to her.
There is no need to choose here - he returned back, he doesn’t pull anywhere else, everything is the same again. Here is the end of the story.
There is only one problem - to endure and wait is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult (and, by the way, as a rule, for a very long time - up to three years, it happens). Few people can survive all this.
And here is the question for the woman - is she ready for such trials for the sake of this man. There is no right answer here, everyone decides for herself.
I can say one thing for sure - other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.
Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does it not out of malice and not out of weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife to experience it. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will last are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.
And I have everything, thank you for your attention.
Pavel Zygmantovich
My husband has been cheating on me for three years now. Mistress is 26 years younger than him. Their daughter is a year and a half old. However, he does not want to leave me. He says that he loves, but is not ready to choose one of us. My mistress is satisfied with such a life, but I do not want to put up with the situation. What should I do?
Irina, 46 years old
Irina, no one but you can answer the question of what to do. Decide what you want. The husband is an adult thinking person, he has been cheating on you for a long time. Moreover, he has a child from his mistress, he allowed you to find out about the relationship on the side. If you do not have an open marriage, then such actions can be interpreted as a betrayal.
Your husband has shifted responsibility for the situation to you and another woman. Admit it to yourself, how many couples do you know in which a loving partner has a second family on the side? Perhaps there was a difficult period in your relationship and your husband decided to have an affair. But what it resulted in shows his attitude towards you. And you can't call it love.
You write that you cannot come to terms with the situation, but do not disclose in more detail what exactly worries you: the presence of a child, the presence of another woman in your life, the position of your husband in this situation? There are a lot of questions that you need to answer for yourself.
The financial side of the relationship is also interesting. Do you have somewhere to live? Are you making enough money or is your husband providing for you? Do you live in your own country or does your stay depend on your husband? The situation is very complicated, you are confused. A competent psychotherapist will help you understand what you want. Will tell you how to find a way out. If there are no such specialists where you live, you can always find a psychologist who works via Skype or by correspondence.
- this is shock and humiliation, the first thing in the head of a dumbfounded woman is scrolling through various options for how to recapture her husband from her mistress. Sometimes the longing for the former spouse sticks.
Before achieving a global goal, it is advisable to calm down, drink a glass of water (tea?) and understand yourself. How to remove a competitor is a simple question, it's all about family relationships in general.
You can seduce a man who has a wife.
You can seduce a man who has a mistress.
But you can not seduce a man who has a beloved woman.
Omar Khayyam
When this frank self-examination is over, and the decision to fight off her husband is finally made, it's time to take care of yourself and make your reflection in the mirror happy and beautiful! Is the king gone? Long live the Queen!
3 main directions in the art of "how to remove a competitor":
An affair for a few weeks means nothing. Here is a relationship on the side for more than 3 months - already a serious habit, it's time to act, and not think about how to discourage your husband from a new hobby.
Why not use its principles:
A man needs to be able to listen and not fill up with household requests openly. Before you ask to pick up the baby from the kindergarten, you can kiss your spouse and gently look into his eyes, and not command him and order.
How to return everything, tell ... the behavior of the most confused person. Does he like homemade meatballs? Have you ever wanted to go to a concert or a hike? An understanding, like-minded wife is the best gift for him.
In addition, you can build on the Buddhist formula, when it is advised to eat, love and be sure to pray. The partner needs to be given this - to cook deliciously, love him, sometimes make him jealous and believe him. This is an effective technique for separating the legitimate other half from the wrong connections.
Brilliant thought from the sociology professor's blog:
- If your husband left for another, then her husband left for a third, and so on.
Wait, soon someone's husband will come to you.
They must go somewhere!
And if you really need a partner, and it became clear only now, you need to build your married life anew.
To keep your loved one near you, you can do things that are not without psychological tricks:
Perhaps that is why the woman is called Keeper of the Family Hearth. For the sake of such love and such a wife, the husband will do anything!
In many couples' relationships, there may come a point where it's tempting to find something else. Most often, it is men who begin to be tempted to have a mistress. Every marriage, no matter how strong and enduring, has its ups and downs. Life changes, circumstances change. So is it still worth being tempted by cheating on the closest and dearest person? We will tell you a story to remind you that there is no compelling reason to cheat on your partner.
A man who was happily married was tempted and began to build a relationship with another woman. He was happy with his mistress, but he also could not leave his wife. Then he decided to ask the advice of a wise man. With whom should he be - with his wife or mistress? The sage handed him two pots and said: one of them contains a rose, and the other contains a cactus. What plant will you choose? Such a question did not cause any difficulty for the man, and he immediately chose a rose. After all, it is obvious that a rose is a more beautiful flower. The sage just shook his head and replied that he deserved neither.
In fact, the rose and the cactus were fictitious. There were no plants in the pots. Very often, in pursuit of bright and new relationships, many men forget about their faithful and devoted wife in order to have a mistress. The cactus will always remain so, and the capricious rose must be carefully looked after, creating special conditions for it. Some men, chasing beauty, choose what is brighter. They completely forget that their mistresses can also find someone more interesting and richer. But if you take care of a cactus, then it can also bloom. Just like the woman you live with. From gentle and affectionate treatment, she will only become more beautiful and desirable. Think, is it worth changing something in your life? After all, your wife loves you the way you are. Knowing your shortcomings, she still remains there. She is interested in your joys and victories, she will support you in difficult times. While the mistress is not interested at all. And the wise man said that a man does not deserve a single flower! After all, a diamond is waiting for him at home, but for some reason he started searching and collecting stones.
It is very easy to destroy relationships, but to return them is not at all easy, and sometimes even impossible. Think about this before chasing a flamboyant relationship. After all, you risk crashing in both cases!
The husband cannot choose between me and another. How to help him?
Having married, Olesya and her husband were happy. The situation was aggravated by great jealousy for no reason on his part, he cut off all contacts with her, insisted that she quit her job. After the dismissal of her husband from the army, relations escalated due to financial problems. The husband found a mistress, but is still torn between her and his wife...
Olesya . Were together for five years. My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend. We dated for two weeks, then he proposed. He moved to me, as he lived in another city and worked in the Airborne Forces under a contract. They lived very well. After two months, he offered to move into a hostel.Married after dating a year later.
Before the wedding, there were no quarrels. Hisparents always tried to push us headfirst(they live far away) with their calls, lies and manipulations, to which he did not want to succumb. His relationship with his parents is not very good.
Olga Chikankova. Yes, this is a factor that often gets in the way. Thisthird party influence: best girlfriend, a mother who cares a lot. They very often just get in the way. They, of course, do all this for the good, as they think. But what they don't know is that every casually thrown word about a wife or a girlfriend can actually lead to big problems in a relationship.
Olesya. Then because of jealousy at first he forbade me to put on makeup, meet friends, etc.
What is the real reason for jealousy?
Olga Chikankova. This is generally insolent. I want to tell you for the future, never fall for this thing.If a person is jealous, then this indicates that you do not accept any help and support from him, etc. You do not take his attention. That is, maybe he wanted to help somewhere, but you did not accept. And because of this, a person feels jealousy. That is, jealousy is not because you put on makeup, but because somewhere you didn’t accept something that he wanted to give you.
For example, to help with something, to suggest, to provide an exchange. You take care of him (cooking food, doing something else) and he wanted to give you this exchange too, andyou didn't accept it. Accordingly, then the person experiences jealousy. When we want to help someone, but someone else does it for us or simply refuses our help, we feel jealous.
Accordingly, there is no need to stop painting. You have to stay the way you were when he fell in love with you. This is the main feature forto keep interest. And, of course, develop.
Olesya . For all attempts to change something,was constantly swearing. In general, he did everything so that I could sit at home. We took out a loan for a wedding, and we couldn't pay it off because I was at home.
Olga Chikankova. So you didn't work, did you? Write, please, did you work?
Olesya . He started arguing because I don't work.
Olga Chikankova. Well done such. He himself said that she should sit at home and not work, but she cannot provide. Then he began to scandal himself: “Why are you not working?” I understand you perfectly - my first husband is also like this: he will say one thing, then you will do it, but he is not satisfied. He was unhappy all the time.
Olesya . But all attempts were exhausted by jealousy of other men. He was jealous of his bosses, workers and even passers-by. God forbid someone will call me on the phone, and he will hear a male voice, he considered it a betrayal. When he retired from the army,more financial problemsand thus more scandals. I couldn't resist and drove him away.
We've been living apart for nine months now. He constantlywent and begged for forgivenessetc., but I stood my ground that I did not believe him. He lives in a house, I live in an apartment. Our dog gave birth to puppies, and I had to quit my job until I sold them, as the neighbors complain about us, and we are practically one foot on the street.
He offered me to make an aviary in the house and againquietly build our relationshipalready new. I agreed. We went and bought seeds, decided to plant vegetables in the garden. A week later he arrives, and I understand that he has someone.
Olga Chikankova . How did you understand? Write, please, how did you understand that he had someone. Fine? How did you define it?
Olesya . The first time was a scandal from my submission. I felt that betrayed me . Thoughts entered his head that he just wanted to take all the litter, and, living with new girl, sell it. Scandal, of course, I have achieved nothing. Made the situation even worse.
I accidentally saw yours on youtubeand started correcting myself. A week of tantrums before your training, I lost 8 kg.With the help of your advice, I almost found myself again.
Olga Chikankova. Good girl.
Olesya . All your advice is working. Thank you.
Olga Chikankova . Yes, of course, please. The main thing is to use it.
Olesya . But against all oddsI made my first mistakeand she called him about a week later.
Olga Chikankova . Yes, you shouldn't have done that.
Olesya . The next day he arrived and saw the old girl he met 5 years ago. He was shocked!
Olga Chikankova . Cool. This is good.
Olesya . Our passion flared up that day, and we ended up in bed.
What if his behavior changes every day?
Olga Chikankova . You see howit is important to keep the girl he fell in love with.So he saw you the way you were, and his passion flared up. So this will be your main weapon when we return it.
Olesya . He began to travel every day, and on May 9 guests came to him - our mutual friends from another city. I don’t know how they did it, but this girl left him. True, she did not take the bag. They told him that it's not right if youif you want to save your family. He succumbed, and I came to him with all the things and animals.
On May 10, when friends left, they began to "reveal" even the smallest things, and in sex he became cold. As if this is not my husband, but a completely different person.
Olga Chikankova . You see, here is a moment - in sex it became cold. When your loved one begins to move away, it means thathe is hiding something from you.In this case, he hides from you what they talked about with friends, for example. He hides from you that romance or not romance, and that he had some kind of sex or flirting in 9 months anyway. This is what he is hiding from you now. Therefore, your task is to gently reveal it.
That is, in someintimate conversationto say heart to heart: “Can you imagine, we were apart for 9 months, so I will understand you perfectly if you had someone. Therefore, you can not worry, and you can safely tell me just so that we can communicate with you well.
In your case, of course, you need to work on yourself well so that it doesn’t hurt you emotionally. So that you can listen with a calm face to everything that he tells you, anddo not react emotionally.It is very important. This is the main feature when you are trying to gain the trust of another person, andTrust is what relationships are built on.
Sometimes you have to do things like this. That is, your task is to reveal someone else's jamb, and when a person really admits this, then it is important for you not to react to it. You should say: “Thanks for saying! Okay, I get it." That is, you do not agree whether it is good or bad. You don't evaluate, you just say, “OK, I got you. Everything is fine."
And praise because the person told you something. Because just imagine that you want to establish trust with a person, and you bring him to a conversation. And he confesses to you in some kind of jamb, for example, how he spat in the neighbor's soup in the third grade. Imagine that if you tell him: “Oh, well, you are a bastard in general! How could you? And I live with you for so long, or maybe you spit in my soup too?
What will this person's reaction be? Imagine that you are talking with your loved one, and you tell him your cant that you hid from him and imagine that he will tell you: “Well, you do! You are bad!"Would you like to trust himany other bugs of your own? Of course not! This is important in a relationship.
When Artem and I began to build the right relationship so as not to hide anything from each other, it was very difficult, especially at first, not to give in to emotions. You need to separate the moment when a person confesses something to you from your personal relationship.You need to look at the situation from the outside.It's like you're a psychologist or a personal trainer.
Your task is simply to reveal it so that the person does not hide anything from you. If a person does not hide anything from you, thenthere will be no such distance between partners.In your case, during the establishment of your relationship, you will need to bring him out little by little to confessions and gain his trust.
But not immediately, but start with little things.For example, “Darling, remember, I asked you to wash the dishes, but I came, but you didn’t wash it. So I want to tell you and confess that I do this sometimes too. Therefore, I am not offended, you can safely tell me that I just did not have time. You start small and work your way up to a high level of trust when he talks about deep topics. Such topics that a person can hide (treason or something personal).
You can ask me in Skype chat how and when to bring him to these conversations. Because we have a special level of SMS when we disclose these issues.
Olesya . While he was sleeping, I sat down and thought that it was not right that he was not ready. When he woke up, I decided to calmly discuss the situation. I told him that my friends put pressure on me because I see thatour relationship has changed in the bud and become empty.He agreed with this and said that he needed time and everything would be fine. We decided to part ways again and meet for the time being, until we understand that the time has come to move to a new stage.
Olga Chikankova. Great. Super!
Olesya . But as soon as I left, this girl returned. He motivates this byhe has serious problemsand that he can't even feed himself by working around the clock. She works and feeds him.
Olga Chikankova . Are you working now?
Olesya . She told our friends that she was feeding him, and that I would never get my husband. Since I do not work, he will pull everything on himself. He said that as he would fix all these problems, he would kick her out.
To be honest, I'm confused and already I can’t figure out this “Santa Barbara”.I do not know what to do.Puppies are sold for a very long time, and even in theory, if he had not told me to look for a job, I would have found it anyway.
Olga Chikankova . Well done for looking for a job. About animals. There are ways to sell them quickly. Without details, I will say that I sold chinchillas, and we did not get hung up on one city. It is necessary to take into account this moment of distance when dealing with animals.
Olesya . We can't sell two more puppies.
Olga Chikankova . Well, sell not to Moscow, sell to St. Petersburg. This can be solved and doing good business on animals.
Bring back the girl he fell in love with -
the surest way to get it back
What do you need to do in your situation? The first is to regain your full identity. You need to find a job andbecome independentso that you don't depend on him. You were working when you met, weren't you? It's not very good. Both partners must somehow self-realize themselves. When you sit at home all day long, don’t communicate with anyone and do nothing (I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you), then you degrade.
This is degradation. This is not an ethical act on the part of a man towards you. He did everything that you get less pleasure from life, achieve less goals. That is, you are degrading. I don't want to offend you, nothing personal.
Olesya . Yes, exactly, it is.
Olga Chikankova . You see, yourthe task now is to develop.Development is all power. In development, the chip of life. We communicate all the time: with people, with ideas, with objects. You even interact with dogs! In life, the only thing we do is communicate. The more you communicate, the better. Therefore, your task now is to find such communication that will develop you.
Olesya . He is now jealous again.
Olga Chikankova . We’ll talk about jealousy separately and we can settle it. I will personally tell you later how to do it.Your task is to restore that personality.Well done for starting watching the video. I will gladly take youif you are not in training yet. Write, are you at the training with me or not?
Olesya . I'm still in debt and waiting for the sale of the puppy.
Olga Chikankova . While you are solving the financial issue, now you are busy with the return of your personality. If that girl says such nasty things about her man, that he "can't get away from me, that I feed him." This suggests that their relationship will not last long, becauseshe uses it.
I usually do not take couples in which the partner has found someone for himself. But in your case, this behavior on her part is not ethical towards a partner, so we are together.We will be able to solve this issue with the help of proper communication and SMS.The main thing for you is to start moving and return yourself. For now, find the amount at least for the economy package, it will be enough to start, and then you can switch to.
When you pass training, and do twice as much. That is, if I say that you write five chips, then you write ten. There you make a decisionreturn it or not.Because there are people who have received some awareness about themselves, and then change their minds about returning a man. Therefore, you too, please think very well about this and work through the 5th and 6th lesson, where we decide to return or not.
work it out and his jealousy. When will you be on, then you write to me about it and remind me in the chat. You write it down for yourself and remind me. I'll send you some materials on this topic. Olesya, is it clear what to do, and was it useful for you to listen to feedback?
Olesya . Yes, I'll sign up for a consultation.
Olga Chikankova . Great. Just at the consultation, I will tell you about his jealousy andI'll tell you how to go out with him for confidential dialogues and communication.
If your story is similar to this, you can safely register for the training
Do not waste your time, because in such matters
time must not be missed!
