An elderly couple in love walks along the alley in an embrace. To some it seems touching to tears, to some it’s funny, and someone may be indignant at all: “The shame has already been lost in old age! Can’t they have mercy at home?” And the couple does not care about onlookers - they only see each other.
Does it exist at all - ardent and passionate love in adulthood?
Some couples live together for long decades just because it is convenient for others. Marriage in the old fashioned way: it seems to be too late to get a divorce, and it’s a shame, because you had to live first for the children, then for the sake of the grandchildren.
But in life, both were not up to love - only patience saved. Somewhere out there, over the decades, there may have been some ardent feelings, but then everything turned into a “bad habit”:
The husband drank and went on a spree, and the wife ran to the authorities of her unbeliever, so that he would be reined in, punished with a ruble, and scolded at the meeting.
The husband himself was tired of the eternal claims and tantrums of the “old saw”, so he ran around the young and washed down the problems of the “little white”.
Both lived as neighbors in a communal apartment. No common interests and mutual understanding. Even sex was rare.
But divorce was out of the question. For any reason, all relatives gathered, hissed and shook their fists:
What did you think! Imagine what a shame it is for all of us, a stain on our reputation, a stigma for life! How can children survive this? Do not fool around, live at least for the sake of the children!
And so the two poor fellows had to put on a mask of happiness during the day and lie to everyone about their love: children, neighbors, colleagues. And at night it was unbearable: the husband breathes fumes, and his wife “nags” with the tedious tone of a mosquito.
So they lived to old age as strangers, forgetting about tenderness, passion and sex. Was there love? Well, there was once - the children were born. Does she exist now? Hmm, what is love? We do not remember - senile sclerosis apparently.
But since they have taken an oath to all relatives to keep the brand, they keep it: children come to the wedding anniversary with their families, sit next to their parents and shout to them: “Bitter!”. But it all feels like a badly rehearsed play. Children are leaving, everything is falling into place.
It is these unfortunate ones who grumble in the wake of an elderly couple walking in an embrace: “The shame has already been lost in old age!” They do not understand what love is, and that she does not count the years. All these decades were useless, because there was no passion and family happiness. There was prosperity, there was the appearance of a family, but there was no love.
It often happens without showing off - just monogamous, just love for life with the remnants of passion even in old age. Yes, there was everything in life: quarrels, resentments, and even partings, but the spouses always understood that it was impossible for them to live without each other.
But nevertheless, it doesn’t even occur to them to sleep separately. Full sex is replaced by mutual caresses, stroking, kisses. But if the old man is still cheerful as a man, then, of course, everything happens in bed, although not as often as it was in his youth.
The younger generation sometimes develops a strong belief: if a lonely person has already reached maturity, then this means that he has already lived for himself, that is, specifically, he is elderly. Let her now bring up her grandchildren and not think about any love.
But what happens in the end: those for whom he lived, in the end, begin to be burdened by his decrepitude and weakness. The younger generation does not understand the problems of the elderly, their complaints and illnesses. But if it were not for the native people who were ashamed of the desire to marry or marry in old age, everything would be easier.
People in love live longer. In addition, love is generally capable of doing incredible things - helping each other in old age, both men and women have new strength and good spirits, just because you need to live for your loved one!
There is nothing worse than chilling loneliness. Therefore, such novels should not be stopped, but pushed to them. This is not shamelessness and shame, because most often full sex is out of the question. And in general - who would get into the head to climb into the bed of old people to find out what they are doing there.
Here is another:
Intimate conversations. Lived such long life with its failures and joys, that you want to endlessly talk about it to your loved one. Precisely to the one who can understand the whole "confession" from the height of his life experience and wisdom.
Kindred of souls. It is in these intimate conversations that the understanding comes: “Here is the person I have been looking for all my life!”. It just so happened that fate presented "the wrong ones": somewhere in stupid youth, somewhere stepping on a rake. And here is a surprise for old age.
Common interests and outlook on life. This is the reason why it is already difficult to live apart - you want to run a common household, to be close, to do a common interesting business. And most importantly, loneliness is no longer afraid, because it simply does not exist.
This is the age when alcohol already seems strong, it’s cold without a hat, it’s uncomfortable in high heels, it’s light sleep, and in general it’s better at home than at a party. Therefore, one should never blame lovers in old age - they are alien to extreme passions, they are just calm together.
By the way, so that you can fully understand what the old “newlyweds” want, then watch a fragment of the old film “Such a guy lives”. There, the characters talk about the future matchmaking of grandfather Kondrat and present a “picture of the future”: his probable life with his elderly wife.
Here is the video:
In old age, you always really want to return to your former youth: to misbehave, flirt, play in love. So advanced old single men do not sit in the gardens and do not knit socks. They sit on dating sites, attend events and go to clubs of interest to find their soul mate.
It is then when love comes, a second wind appears, eyes burn with happiness, and a blush appears on the cheeks. Therefore, it is not necessary to throw stones at a passing loving couple of elderly people who are embracing, it is better to throw a look full of admiration and tenderness in their direction. They're happy!
In 2008, the United States published the results of a study of the sexual life of people from 57 to 85 years old, which produced the effect of an exploding bomb. Among 57-64-year-olds, 73% continued to have sex, among 65-74-year-olds this figure is 53%, and among 75-85-year-olds - 26%. Nobody expected this, and newspapers in the West at that time were full of headlines like "Old people do it more often than you think."
In age sex, there were clear differences between "boys" and "girls". Older men were more active than their peers and retained their interest in sex longer. Studies have shown that sexual desire (libido) and the desire to have sex persisted in them until very advanced years. From a medical point of view, this is just wonderful. After all, sex is useful at any age - it is a great physical workout for the body and a positive emotional shake-up for the soul. Sexual function is closely related to the state of health, and it is even considered an indicator of the aging of the body: for those who have not lost their health by old age, everything is usually good in sex. It is clear that the older you are, the more often sex requires the help of pills, which are sold today in a great variety. But there is nothing wrong or shameful in this. Another thing is bad - when men give in at the very first difficulties with erection. But this suggests that problems with blood vessels begin. First, in the intimate area, where they are the thinnest, then in the heart, and this is fraught with angina pectoris and heart attack, and in the brain, it threatens with a stroke. So this is the first bell to start taking care of health. And then a long and happy sex life lies ahead.
In the fair sex, the situation with sex is more complicated, and first of all it is associated with menopause. Studies have shown that due to menopause, libido disappears in 43% of women - the desire to have sex simply disappears, 34% have no orgasm (this is also serious - if there is no pleasure, why do you need sex?), 39% have sex that is problematic and sometimes even painful due to vaginal dryness (this is also a typical consequence of menopause).
Since menopause is quite tightly tied to age, these problems begin to arise when approaching the 50-year milestone, and for some even earlier. And with the general state of health, as in men, this is often not connected. It's just that sex is largely tied to sex hormones. And their restructuring in climax leads to such results. But, like men, it's fixable. Today there are many drugs. For women, even more than for the stronger sex. And it's not just hormone replacement therapy. There are drugs that can solve these problems safely. As long as there is sex, there is no old age.
1.4 Interpersonal relationships in adulthood
Freud believed that the well-being of a person in adulthood is determined by his ability to love and work. Most psychologists use different terms in their definitions, but the meaning of the latter remains unchanged.
E. Erickson laid the foundations for modern research in adult psychology. The central psychological moment in early maturity (25 - 35) years is the establishment of intimacy, close personal ties with another person.
If a person has failed in intimate communication, then he may develop a sense of isolation, a feeling that he can rely on no one in the world but himself.
Erickson uses the term "intimacy" as being multi-faceted in meaning and scope. First of all, he refers to intimacy as the intimate feeling we have for spouses, friends, siblings, or other relatives. However, he also speaks of intimacy itself, that is, the ability to “merge your identity with the identity of another person without fear that you lose something in yourself” (20).
The development of an adult can be described in terms of three distinct systems that relate to different aspects of the self. These include the development of the personal self, the self as a family member (adult, child, spouse or parent), and the self as a worker.
These systems undergo changes both under the influence of various events and circumstances, and in interaction with the wider social environment and culture.
Development is a dynamic, bidirectional process that includes as interacting elements the individual's immediate environment, the social environment, and the values, laws, and traditions of the culture in which the individual lives.
All of these interactions—and the personal changes that result from them—continue throughout life.
Conclusions: 1. Erickson believed that the development of intimacy is the most important achievement of early adulthood.
2. Failure to establish calm and trusting personal relationships leads to feelings of loneliness, social vacuum and isolation.
3. In order to be in a truly intimate relationship with another person, it is necessary that by this time the individual had a certain consciousness of what he is.
4. Intimacy is an integral part of a stable, fulfilling emotional connection and is the foundation of love.
1.5 Love
The sexual attraction of a person as a biological being is determined by the instinct of procreation and the natural mechanism of sexual selection.
Modern research shows that nature has laid in man an attraction to a very specific type of individuals of the opposite sex. And this predetermination operates at the gene level. In other words, a person chooses a genetically suitable partner, or scientifically - genetically complementary.
Modern research allows us to hypothesize that the first stage of love is facilitated by the appearance in the body of special molecules, which are called PEA. The impact of this substance changes the mood and attitude of a person, contributes to the idealization of the object of a love relationship. Under the conditions of action of PEA, the smell of a loved one, the sound of his voice, and touch are enough to make a person feel the strongest excitement, experience pleasure. At the same time, communication with a loved one contributes to the production of this substance in the body. Therefore, when lovers for a long time do not have the opportunity to see each other, talk to each other, the amount of PEA in the body decreases, and this leads to negative experiences, a feeling of deep loss. This is why lovers, like drug addicts, crave the conditions conducive to the production of PEA, and this is also the condition of a love relationship. Here, too, nature has laid down a universal mechanism - something that the cell reacts to, enters into its metabolism.
However, as the researchers note, the body adapts to the action of PEA. And in order to keep love feelings, stronger doses of PEA are required each time. This can be achieved by improving the technique of relations. But eventually there is a limit. PEA expires after two to four years. This is a critical period in a love relationship. Romantic love does not last long, but this period is enough for people in love to give birth to a child. The action of PEA is enough for the child to survive the most difficult and difficult period of his development. It is interesting to note that, according to statistics, a three- to four-year period life together ends with the first wave of divorces.
PEA is replaced by other hormones - serotonin and endorphin. Their action is much milder than PEA, but just as favorable for love relationships. Endorphin softens the perception of negative situations, contributes to the formation of stable positive emotional states, reduces pain, has a beneficial effect on the immune system, and promotes sexual relations. Unfortunately, like PEA, endorphin breaks down in a relatively short amount of time. And for a new positive excitement, the brain requires new doses of endorphins, which are produced in the process of spiritual and physical relationships between lovers. The need for serotonin and endophrine is a natural stimulus for renewed love relationships.
Thus, nature has laid a predisposition in the attraction of a man to a woman, which often manifests itself in an irresistible passion. It can be argued with a certain measure of confidence that lovers are created for each other by nature.
In the development of love of one person for another, a certain periodization is observed. This process has become the subject of analysis by poets and writers. A curious description of love and its development, gives Stendhal. He distinguishes four kinds of love: love-passion, love-attraction, physical love, love-vanity and represents the genesis of love as follows: admiration; pleasure; hope; birth; first crystallization; doubt; second crystallization.
The first stage - admiration for a person of the opposite sex is difficult to describe accurately. “Love is like a fever, it is born and withers away without the slightest participation of the will” (16, p. 21). It can only be noted that the state of admiration depends on the general state in which the person is, on his previous experience and on the behavior of the object of admiration. Love is born when a person begins to imagine the possible pleasures that he could receive from the object of admiration. Already at this stage, the idealization of the object of admiration is outlined and, perhaps, the formation of the hope that the object of admiration will reciprocate. The combination of admiration with the idea of possible pleasure and a possible reciprocal feeling gives rise to love.
The idea of possible pleasure turns into pleasure when a person sees, touches, feels with all the senses and as close as possible the being that he loves and that loves him (16, p. 14). In this state, active idealization of the object of love begins (primary crystallization). The object of love is endowed with various virtues.
If at this stage intimacy sets in, the process of idealizing a partner may stop or stop for a while, but new joys of love and new qualities appear in a loved one. If the object of admiration does not reciprocate, then a period of doubt sets in. A person may make an attempt to give up the object of admiration, but in doing so may find that other joys of life have disappeared. There comes a period of second idealization, combined with the desire to convince oneself, to prove that the object of admiration reciprocates. Each woman differs not only in external beauty, the beauty of the body, but also in character traits. This is the answer to the question: “Why does a man choose not the most beautiful?” He chooses according to his character, he is looking for her soul in a woman.
Comprehending in love the beauty of not only the body, but also the soul, a person becomes spiritual. In love, each gives himself to another and through this is revealed in all his might, in all his spiritual strength. In love, a person expresses his moral content. The moral law demands that oneself be forgotten in the other. Love gives itself to another. Love is the most intimate point of connection between nature and reason (21).
In the sacrifice of love, the source of the birth of tenderness, feelings and relationships. Love is nature and reason in their original union, i.e. natural attraction and reason, attraction and morality. It can be said that only where there is a disposition towards morality, natural attraction manifests itself in the form of love.
Love transforms not only the image of the beloved, but also the lover himself. Here we again recall Plato, who wrote that everyone whom Eros touches becomes braver, fairer, more skillful.
Conclusions: 1. Love develops on the basis of biological prerequisites, rising to spiritual heights, when it spiritualizes a person's behavior, changes him, enhances his abilities, promotes creative achievements.
2. The development of love depends on the state and experience.
3. The development of love is accompanied by the active work of the mind and imagination.
4. Love contributes to the emergence of virtue, spiritualizes a person.
5. Love is "an expression of intimacy between two people, provided that the integrity of both is maintained."
2.1 Family cycle
Families have a predictable life cycle characterized by a series of important events or stages. The first event in this cycle is the formation of the parental family. Separation from the family of parents can occur at the time of marriage or earlier if a person has made a choice in favor of independence - he decided to live alone or with some group of people. The second important event is, as a rule, marriage, with all the adaptation nuances that accompany it: establishing relationships with a new person and new relatives.
The most typical third event is the birth of the first child and the beginning of the period of parenthood. This event is sometimes referred to as the formation of one's own family, or the transition to parenthood. There are other important events in the life cycle of a family: the first child enters school, the last child is born, the last child leaves the family, and the death of a spouse. In an extended family that also includes close relatives, several of these cycles can interact, ensuring the repetition of the event and thereby reducing the adaptive difficulties of each of the family members.
Over the past 50–100 years, family cycles have changed both in the temporal structure of their events and in their nature. Not only are people living longer than ever before, but the age at which they reach different degrees of the family cycle has changed, and the average time between the onset of various events in family life. Thus, the period of time between the departure of the last child from home and the retirement of the parents or their death is increasing, and the duration of this post-parental period is steadily continuing.
Research Hypothesis In the course of practical work, an analysis was made of the psychological state of men and women during a midlife crisis. The purpose of the work was to show that the characteristics of their psychological state correspond to the crisis situation characteristic of this age and to identify the gender characteristics of the course of the crisis. Tasks of the work: Based on 4 crisis criteria according to Shihi ...
This problem from all sides: emotional, career, male, female, pharmaceutical, psychoanalytic, physiological, philosophical. The answers of my "foreign friends" began with the words: "My midlife crisis came and consisted of this." That is, it certainly came and necessarily concluded, but how could it be otherwise! Czech Republic. Spa Luhacovice. Art therapy workshop "Theory and...
They called it "acme", which meant the peak, the highest degree of something, the moment of the greatest flowering of the human personality. Chapter II. A study of the dependence of changes in cognitive abilities in middle age on the specifics of professional activity We conducted a study of 15 middle-aged people, the purpose of which was to study the dependence of the level of cognitive abilities in...
He can justify it in different ways. For example, he may reproach himself for insufficiently good care or little attention to the deceased parent, etc. It becomes possible for a serious psychosomatic illness to occur. 5. Age-related crises of adulthood crisis of thirty years In the middle of the period of early adulthood (about thirty years old), a person experiences a crisis state, a kind of turning point in ...
