website- Today, among rich people, starting a second family has become common and is even considered the norm. Polygamy is prohibited in our country, but no one has canceled the Tokol. The Tokol Institute - a younger wife with a living older wife, existed in the pre-Soviet era. However, if earlier a second wife was taken with the permission of the first, today men manage solely by their desire.
Living in two families, a bigamous husband does not leave his lawful missus for someone else's beautiful lady - both women are equally loved for him, equally valuable, because he feels good with both. the site decided to find out from the men themselves why some of the powers that be have second wives.
Becken, 46
Photographer: Chingiz Sheraly uulu“There are different situations in life. Personally, I take this positively. Why? Because some people get married, but for some reason they cannot have a child and, realizing that it makes no sense to live without children, they get divorced. If it is possible to find someone who can give birth to a child, why not. But men should not forget about their first wife. We need to solve the problem together. The main thing is that the first wife gave her consent. I am surprised at those men who, while the first one is alive, try to have a second wife without saying or warning. This is not a man's act."
Ernis, 32
“I have a wife, thank God (smiles). So I didn't even think about it. But since I have to answer, my opinion is this: everyone has their own head on their shoulders, there are couples who live in civil marriage and there are those who give birth to mistresses. Everything depends on the person himself. If a man loves his wife, why does he need a second? But I am also surprised that the young girls themselves are trying in any way to destroy someone else's family and get married.
Zamir, 27 years old
“If a man has the opportunity to provide a second, and maybe a third, then why not. A Muslim has the right to take four wives. After all, our ancestors followed such customs and had 3-4 wives. At first, of course, men feel good and interesting with their wife, but after a while, warmth, love and care disappear. Most likely that's why the man is looking for another. As we say: "Biroonun ayaly kyz korunot, ozundun ayalyn kempir korunot" ("Another's wife is a beauty, one's own wife is a witch" - literal translation). Therefore, some men just want to have second wives just because they get tired of the first. But all this is wrong. It's my opinion".
Eugene, 23 years old
“I never thought about it. Somehow I don't care. But, if the first wife does not mind, a man can get himself a young beautiful wife. Many men simply lose interest in their first wives, they want something new.
Pamir, 43 years old
“I think this is the wrong thing for a man to do. Every man should be happy with his family. And young girls should marry suitable, worthy guys. But now there is such a situation that many girls are led to the position, the condition of some men and begin to destroy families. It's against our customs."
Edil, 28 years old
"IM married. I love my wife and I don't need another. It's all about the men. Since he wants to have a second wife, who is young and beautiful, but does not know how to do household chores, does not cook, then in the end he will suffer and even regret it. A man should have one, one and only wife, whom he must cherish, love and not betray.
Sali, 47 years old
“I have a negative attitude to this, one woman will be enough. But it is necessary to consider this question from the other side. There are situations when the first wife cannot give birth to a child, and men must leave offspring behind them, because we are the successors of the family. In such cases, the husband and wife should be together, which means that the problem should be solved together. If the wife agrees that the husband has got himself a second one who will give birth to a child, then this is permissible. But you must always remember that since you got married, you must be with her to the end, love and care. And I don’t respect such fickle men.”
The second wife is just as natural as the first. But not everyone is ready to accept this fact. Someone doesn’t even want to hear about it, and sometimes the first wives are ready to divorce, just not to share their husband with the second.
What to do if the family is talking about a second wife?
First, after hearing the news, renew your wudu and read two rak'ahs of an additional prayer. Accept this news only as the mercy of the Almighty, as a gift from Him. Make dua for a long time, asking for strong faith for yourself, your spouse and his new wife, and happiness in this world and the world to come.
IN NO EVENT IS IT WORTH:
Throw a tantrum, be offended, threaten with a divorce, ask for a divorce;
To insult the husband, to insult his new wife;
Make a scandal, turn the children against their father;
Set against his husband and his relatives;
Discuss the situation in the family and your husband with friends, on forums, wherever else.
Someone will perceive the appearance of a second wife as a test. Yes, indeed, this is a very powerful way to pacify your pride, your nafs - to accept a second woman in your husband's life and live in peace.
Islam is perfect, Muslims are not. Only Allah knows with what intention your husband takes a second wife. Previously married a second and subsequent times, to help the second wife cope with her material and domestic problems. It could be widows, elderly women. Therefore, perhaps there is a big difference between the polygamy of those times and the present day. Sincerely make a dua for him so that the Almighty Creator strengthens his faith, so that your husband is just and does not earn sin by the wrongness of niyat.
It is not at all necessary for you to communicate with your second wife, but if meetings cannot be avoided, then the best way is to approach this with wisdom and make friends. Do not set anyone against her (neither husband, nor children, nor relatives). With all my heart...have pity on her! Yes, just take pity, because, most likely, before marriage with your husband, she experienced a lot ...
If the appearance of a new wife from her husband thundered like a bolt from the blue, just say that you need time to digest this news, get used to this thought, accept this fact. This can take some time, for someone even years ...
Take a bath, read the prayer;
Read your favorite pages from the Holy Book;
Be alone with the Almighty...make dua. He hears you and He will give you relief, in sha Allah;
Take a shower, bath, drink tea, coffee with something sweet, tasty, sit in silence or read;
Take your kids for a walk or a mosque, or some excursion that you have been putting off for a long time - in general, at first, do something that will give you emotional nourishment, do not go into depression.
If the appearance of the second one has greatly traumatized you, then change the center of your universe from your husband to the Supreme Lord. Realize that God also gave you a husband, that he is not your property. Your happiness does not depend on your husband, it is in the hands of Allah! Help your husband to be a just family man, gently remind him that he should divide everything equally between his wives, help him not to fall into sin. Still seek the contentment of your husband, fulfill your duties, for the sake of the face of the Almighty. You can wisely and gently remind your spouse of his duties and your rights, but you shouldn’t “download” them. After all, in the end, on the Day of Judgment, everyone will answer for their deeds.
Do not think that you have been betrayed, substituted, humiliated and trampled into the dirt, do not dwell on the fact that now you have more than one "soulmate" for your beloved. What period of time is allotted to us in this mortal world? A maximum of 100 years ... What do you want to spend these years on, knowing that eternal life awaits you? For insults? On swearing and scandals? Or for creation?
Engage in self-education. If possible, get a quality religious education (full-time or part-time), learn excellent Arabic. Set yourself the goal of becoming a hafiz to the Koran, for example. One of the finest things worth spending your life on, isn't it? Memorize the sacred verses with children or with a group of sisters, read tafsir, work with ustaza. And live according to what is said in the Holy Book.
Or acquire a profession that would be useful to the Muslim Ummah or improve your skills. We really need women doctors, women teachers in various fields, psychologists, sociologists, nutritionists… Think of a profession that you could devote most of your life to helping people for the sake of the Almighty.
Keep comfort and warmth in your home, the atmosphere IN WHICH YOUR CHILDREN GROW will depend on your mood. How you accept your husband's second wife can be imprinted on the psyche of your children (as a trauma - in the event of your scandals and insults, or everything will go smoothly - if you behave wisely, tactfully, with dignity, maturely).
Do your best to raise happy, well-behaved Muslims. And for this they need a submissive to the will of Allah, a self-sufficient, self-confident, psychologically stable, wise mother. May Allah grant each of us to have a righteous, strong, friendly family.
Gulnur Yanberdina
Question: A few months ago I got married. Before marriage, my husband and I did not know each other. I begin to fall in love with him, seeing his attitude towards me and what a wonderful person he is. He immediately informed me that he planned to have two or more wives. I was very hurt, but I translated these conversations as a joke, hoping that these were just his fantasies. And recently I read his correspondence, which he carefully concealed, and found out that there is another one that he loves. He invites her to marry him as his second wife.
When I read this correspondence, tears welled up in my eyes. At first I had an incredible resentment in my heart, but then I tried to understand my husband. After all, he, loving another girl, did not let me understand this by word, deed, or look and treated me as if I were the love of his life. It raised him even more in my eyes. And the fact that he hid his correspondence didn’t hurt me so much, because I thought that he simply didn’t want someone to get into his personal communication. Until now, he claims that he does not love anyone and he needs me. But I saw what I saw. Before, I could approach him, hug him, say a kind word, but now ... I think if he needs it. He became something of a stranger to me. My heart is breaking into pieces...
In terms of religion:
There are quite a lot of women who find it easy to fulfill religious precepts, such as reading the five daily prayers, observing the hijab requirements for clothing, etc. But, as practice shows, most women, even those who observe the norms of Islam, take the news of a second marriage with heaviness their husbands. Given such factors that women, unlike men, are more sensual, vulnerable and a little sentimental, it is quite possible to understand them. But a woman whose husband has decided or has already taken another wife, first of all, needs to realize that her husband only exercised his right. The right granted to them by the Creator Himself. Just as a husband does not have the right to reproach his wife or take offense at her because she does not help him in the maintenance of the family (because to be provided for by her husband is her right according to Sharia), so the wife does not have the right to reproach her husband or be offended by him for that he exercised his right.
Having decided to marry another, your husband: 1) has not changed in any way, his attitude and attention to you have remained the same as they were before, from the very first day you were together; 2) did not tell you about his intention, because he assumes that this may somehow hurt you, injure you. And this is evidenced by the first factor, because if he stopped loving you or that woman would be more important and valuable to him than you, then this would certainly affect your relationship with him. And this, as we see, did not happen.
The hadeeth of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) states: « Whatever befalls a Muslim, even a prick of a thorn, Allah raises his degree and forgives sin» (Muslim, No. 4665).
لَا يُصِيبُ الْمُؤْمِنَ شَوْكَةٌ فَمَا فَوْقَهَا إِلَّا رَفَعَهُ اللَّهُ بِهَا دَرَجَةً وَحَطَّ عَنْهُ بِهَا خَطِيئَةً
But moral hardships and pain are much more difficult to endure than bodily, physical ones, and therefore, the reward for them will be no less.
Make every effort not to succumb to your ego (nafs), but to obey the Almighty, His will, to pass this test with dignity! Do not stop praising and giving praise to the Almighty for giving you a good, religious and loving spouse.
In moments of experience, read this salavat:
اَللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وَسَلِّمْ وَبَارِكْ عَلَى سَيِّدِنَا مُحَمَّدٍ النُّورِ الذَّاتِيِّ وَالسِّرِّ السَّارِي سِرُّهُ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأَسْمَاءِ وَالصِّفَاتِ
Sincerely ask the Almighty to strengthen your faith and help you cope with your jealousy.
From the point of view of psychology:
The problems of polygamous marriage and everything connected with it have been repeatedly discussed on the pages of this Internet resource. However, each case always acquires the character of a particular one, not like the others. From your letter it is not entirely clear what exactly worries you: that your husband intends to marry a second time, or that you are not the only one he loves. It still follows from the context that you are still more concerned that your husband has feelings for another woman. If so, then it will be much easier to solve the problem. In general, it is extremely important for you now to correctly reflect your own feelings, to realize what exactly makes you behave this way and worries you the most. Most likely, this is a consequence of some disappointment that you are now not the only love of your husband and there is another that he loves.
Having accepted the idea that the spouse loves another woman and wants to marry her, you automatically crossed out all the good that is between you. In addition, some of your actions can cause serious discord in your relationship with your husband. This can happen as follows: believing that your spouse does not need your female attention, you will behave somewhat detached from him, which, in turn, may provoke him to move away from you. Thus, both of you can begin to wage a "cold war" in which there will be no winners.
It is clear that it is hard for you to think that the husband, for whom you begin to have positive feelings, has someone else to whom he gives his attention, but you can look at it differently. A man, unlike a woman, in most cases is prone to polygamy. Also, a man is able to simultaneously experience feelings for more than one woman. And here it is important to consider the following: you cannot measure these feelings by strength, that is, whom he loves more, you or another. This question itself is wrong, and any answer to it will be correspondingly wrong.
Feelings can differ not so much in intensity as in quality. After all, love is not a separate feeling, it is a complex of feelings. But due to the fact that a woman is more inclined towards monogamy, the idea that it is possible to love two people at the same time is unacceptable for her and seems impossible. As a result, she may mistakenly believe that her husband is just telling her about love, but in fact loves another. This is probably why there are certain prohibitions to get into the personal affairs of others - that's why they are personal. Don't jump to conclusions, look at what you have and try to keep it.
Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children
“Marriages are not built on love alone, there is also nobility and shame”(Righteous Caliph Umar, may Allah be pleased with him)
I was contacted with this question:
"Assalam alaikum. Sorry, I need help. How to overcome jealousy if the husband takes another wife. I'm afraid of losing love and husband"
My answer:
Wa alaykum as-salaam sister. Jealousy is a sign of love, it is the art of causing oneself even more harm than others, it is the fear of the superiority of another person, a source of torment for the lover and resentment for the beloved. Jealousy is always looking through a spyglass that makes small things big, suspicions are truths. Therefore, the jealousy shown by the spouses should be moderate, not going beyond the limits of what is permitted by Shariah. The topic of polygamy is relevant for Muslim women, and your fears of becoming not the only one are the fears of every woman. Jealousy in polygamy is a problem that a man and a woman must deal with together. And a man should not shame a woman for developing a natural feeling of jealousy in such a situation. A man should try to understand a woman as a first or second wife.
This is roughly similar to the situation when a couple has a second child. What does a child feel when he sees how his beloved father and mother pay attention, give care and love to a newborn? Figuratively, a woman in polygamy resembles a child who is jealous of her parents for her brother or sister. And in order to get along in such a situation, you need to give everything the same to both children in our example and to both wives in the problem under discussion.
Jealousy for a second wife can be caused by the following reasons:
1. Preoccupation with material wealth. It is clear that the second wife is the second family that needs to be provided.
2. The husband will pay less attention.
The second wife is entitled to her husband's time.
3. Competing for your husband's feelings.
The first wife will be afraid that she will become less interesting to her husband, she will be accompanied by anxiety that she may lose to another woman in something (for example, the second wife is younger than her).
Knowing the causes of jealousy, a man can make each of his wives feel happy.
The fourth reason does not depend on the man and his behavior towards women: this woman's jealousy. And no matter what a man does, a woman will still be jealous.
A man can smooth out jealousy by appropriate actions for this, namely:
1) As in the case of the expected replenishment of the family with a newborn, so in the case when the husband takes another wife, there should be awareness.
Parents should prepare the child for the appearance of the baby, talk about it and how he should behave in this case. This is necessary so that the child with the advent of another child is mentally prepared for changes. With awareness, it will be easier for him to endure the changes in his life and adapt himself to them. He needs to show that with the advent of a newborn, they did not begin to love him less, highlight his significance with the words: “We love you, as before. Now you will be the eldest, our assistant ... ”And then the child will feel that he is loved and needed.
In the case of a second wife, the husband needs to tell her of his decision to take a second wife before she comes, so that she can tune in to it. If he confronts her with a fact, then for her it will look like a betrayal. Because unexpected information of such a magnitude, with which he shared only after what happened, will indicate that the husband does not trust her with important events of his life, his thoughts and experiences, he is not sure of her disposition towards himself. The fact of not being informed will in itself alienate the spouses from each other and set the first wife against the second. This will look like collusion with the second wife and will be a sign that the second wife is closer to her husband.
Being informed is sunnah and adab in front of the wife. When reporting your desire to take a second wife, you need to tell your first wife about your love for her and that this does not mean that he began to love her less. In this conversation, you need to emphasize its importance and significance for yourself.
2) Earn so that this money is enough to adequately provide for two families. Be fair in spending money. If a man buys a ring for his second wife, then he must give his first wife a gift of the same value and that she likes it. If a man decides to go on vacation with his second wife, then he is obliged to organize a vacation with his first wife - equal in cost and so that she likes it. You can’t spend more money on one wife than on another, when he pampers one of them, then he must pamper the other.
An important point: The first wife will be unhappy if her material security becomes worse with the advent of the second wife, so a smart man should think before having a second wife. He should earn more so that the first wife does not take offense at the fact that she now has to share wealth with another woman and, in connection with this, experience material difficulties.
3) Give both women an equal amount of time. With the consent of the wife, it is possible to allocate more time to another wife at the expense of one's own. The main thing is justice and consent of both parties.
When a man creates a second family, he must understand that he is dealing with at least two women, and then with children from different women. Therefore, he must be able to find mutual language with all of them, without depriving or offending any of them. He must remember the Day of Resurrection, when good and evil, weighing a speck of dust, will be seen, and he will be asked for them. These are husband-wife and father-child relationships. He must skillfully regulate relationships in such a way that not one of the wives, not one of the children from different women feels unfair to himself.
All these people have their rights, and the duties of a man are doubly increased, because. he now has two families. And he, like a shepherd, must control every family. This is, first of all, the religious morality of each family member, righteous behavior. The sphere of employment of each member of the family should be supervised by the father of the family and with his consent, so that none of them (wives and children) complain about the lack of his attention towards themselves.
And if a man believes that having taken a second wife, he will live in double love and care, then he does not think deeply about what needs to be done in order to earn this double joy. After all, if he is unfair to one of the members of his now large family, then he will receive a load of discontent and unfounded reproaches, which he himself will not be happy with. And with the advent of a second family, it will be doubly difficult for him to lead a life, control the morality of the household, persuade them to develop in obtaining useful knowledge, and regulate their personal lives.
The activity of a Muslim is not limited to earning money, although this is an important component for the family. A man should become an authority for all households, and he cannot become one if a man does not spend time with them, does not regulate their life. This is especially true in a society of debauchery, with few opportunities to send a child to a halal school, when immorality and temptations reign around. A man cannot transfer this function to a woman, because. she herself needs the authority of her husband. And the more family members a man has, the more responsibility he has and the less time for himself.
4) A man should know how to make a woman happy. It is more difficult for him to do this, being in a double marriage, because this is hindered by the lack of time for each family. Also, the feelings of a woman who shares her husband with another are aggravated and you need to behave with her a little differently. And now he has two such women. How should he behave?
To answer this question, you need to understand what happens to a woman when she finds out that her husband has married another woman. For her, her husband is the closest person. When she learns about the second wife, then a desire arises in her not to share it with anyone. This can be compared to a piece of bread: when we are hungry, we do not want to give our coveted piece of bread to anyone, we want to get enough of it ourselves. Accordingly, a man must make sure that a woman "does not feel hungry." It needs to be “fed” with quality attention and care.
The psychology of the first wife stands out especially: it seems to her that since the husband took another wife, she does not suit him with something. The psychology of men and women is different. Women are tuned in to one single partner, and it’s hard for them to understand how you can want to have another one. Therefore, a man with his first wife needs to communicate in a fatherly way, gently and warmly, treats the manifestation of her jealousy with understanding, explain that he took a second wife not because the first one does not suit him, speak words of love, give gifts.
It is very important to convince a woman with her actions that she is interesting and loved by her husband. If this is not done, then at best there will be little dedication from a woman, at worst - negativity, and at worst - a divorce. Both women become sensitive, and they will perceive the slightest neglect in their address not as fatigue or a bad mood, but as a change in their husband's feelings for them because of another wife. They may suffer from it silently or by expressing it in words and deeds. They concluded nikah in order to find peace and mercy in the spouse, to which they have the right, but receive pain.
Therefore, it is very important to “feed” both the first and second wife with quality attention and care, never compare them to each other and never talk about the second family in front of the first family. A woman should see your kindness and disposition, care and provision. When the husband is near, she and the children should have enough of his attention, and an atmosphere of contentment and joy should reign in the house. This is possible, but difficult. A man should not only want to create a second family, but also have the opportunities for this: material and spiritual, which includes the good morality of equal treatment of each of his wives, no matter what sphere of life it may concern: domestic, sexual or spiritual. This also applies to children from both wives - they should feel loved and protected. May Allah help a man to cope with the duties assigned to him!
There are three options for a woman to behave with jealousy:
1. Endure and ask Allah to ease your lot.
2. Change your attitude to what is happening.
3. Get away from a man and, accordingly, from jealousy towards him.
Let's take a look at each of them:
Tolerate or not - the woman decides for herself. Undoubtedly, there is a lot of benefit in patience: the family and friendly relations between its members are preserved, the children do not suffer from the lack of one of the parents, and the woman retains her married status and all its benefits, the woman also receives a reward from the Almighty Lord.
You can change your attitude to what is happening if you work on yourself. First you need to be aware of all your emotions and feelings. Think about what you fear, what you want. Is everything as scary as you think? Look at the present: is there any basis for your worries or is it the fruit of your rich imagination? Try to find the positive side of what happened. Weigh your desires and possibilities. Can you live the way you live now? What is the worst thing that can happen to you? Do you have unjustified desires and disappointments - how do you feel about it?
Think about it, is there something in such a marriage for you that is worth holding on to? What can support you: children, friends, some hobby, work...? Would you be better off in your current marriage or being single? Look around: are you so bad and are you being treated badly? Remember the stories of your girlfriends and friends of acquaintances - are you the most unhappy woman? And most importantly: what did you lose when your second wife appeared, and do you really need it?
There is one more advice, but it is not suitable for everyone. It is to meet the second wife. Why is it not suitable for all women? To carry it out, certain qualities of character and a certain intention are needed. What are they?
A woman should not be too jealous, she should be able to enter into the position of another person, because this woman also shares her husband with another, the ability to see in her second wife not an enemy, but a person who shares a common goal with you - the contentment of a spouse and a place in paradise. If a woman wants to get to know her second wife with the intention of finding flaws in her, in order to later voice them to her husband, ridicule or shame her, then in this case one should refrain from dating. Acquaintance with a second wife is good because a woman sees a certain person, which affects her fantasies and prevents the emergence of unreasonable anxieties, which many women are prone to. She already stops thinking about her as an ideal beauty and attributing implausible qualities to her.
If the first wife can suppress the fantasy of the second wife, then there is no need to get acquainted. Thus, another piece of advice would be: do not fantasize and do not attribute implausible qualities to the second wife. Think of her as an ordinary woman, with her own strengths and weaknesses. Try not to compare yourself to her. Your comparison is already inappropriate in itself, because a man, not a woman, should characterize a woman for life with her. And what a man sees, a woman may not see, and vice versa. Thinking about your second wife, you waste your time, which could be spent on things that are useful to you, deprive yourself of peace and spoil your mood. Still, it’s better not to get acquainted with your second wife, but to get by with an unauthorized adjustment of your fears and anxieties, using rational thinking.
Try to do what you love, to indulge yourself in some useful activity: read the Quran, think about the Day of Judgment, study Arabic, etc. Take care of yourself: make yourself new hairstyle, visit the pool for Muslim women, etc. Go with your children to visit, engage in the development of children. Help those who ask and give to those in need with the permission of your spouse.
Try not to compare your position and the position of your girlfriends and women who married non-Muslims - you do not know what they have to go through, you do not know and cannot find out the conditions of their life and relationships, so do not take on this thankless task.
A common mistake when women think that men think the same as they do. Man and woman are two different poles. And if a woman can love one and give herself in all respects to one man, then this is different for men - he can build a family with several women at the same time. Another question is, "Does it make them happy?" — depends on him.
Befriend and associate with women whose husbands have multiple wives. Start learning a foreign language, because women in Muslim countries have a simpler attitude to this issue, for them this is the norm of life with which they were born, and perhaps they themselves are children from such marriages, and therefore they can more easily explain to you how to behave in such a situation. situations. Most likely, they will advise you to "do nothing about it", because for them polygamy is as natural as sunrise. They take it easy. Their centuries-old mentality leads to the fact that children from marriage are the property of the father and his family, therefore, the woman's children are protected at the level of religion, gender and public opinion.
The third option is to leave. In my opinion, it is unfair for the first wife and children. But if this happened at the initiative of a man, then this act is good for you. Allah has distanced you from such a person. Ask Allah to replace you with the best.
And if this is your desire, then do not rush things. Stop in your thoughts, hear yourself: your anxieties, your pain. If you leave this marriage, do you think it will be easier for you? Think that with leaving, along with feelings of resentment and anger, you will also take care of material things for yourself and your children. From this position you will be angry at ex-husband even more, there is a possibility of developing psychosomatic diseases and the inability to manage the material affairs of the family. Of course, there are other options for unfolding events. If you have weighed all the pros and cons, and you cannot bear the fact that your husband has another woman, then I advise you to live like this for some more time. A woman gives in to emotions, and it is extremely important to make decisions to get out of emotions, and not on their wave.
If no beliefs act on you, you consciously choose to leave marriage, take responsibility for your well-being, and you will be better off outside of marriage than in marriage, then it probably makes sense to leave. When you get married again, you can draw up a marriage contract, according to which the husband does not have the right to marry someone else but you.
I hope I was able to help you. I would like to tell you that you are not the only woman who experiences such difficulties and not the only one who copes with them. InshaAllah!
From the life of the faithful mothers, worthy inhabitants of paradise:
Jealousy also manifested itself among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him).
The mother of the faithful and the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “I was not jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) as I was jealous of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), although she died 3 years before he took me as his wife, because he constantly He spoke about her and often ordered that a sheep be slaughtered and distributed among people as alms in memory of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). And I often said to him: “As if there was no one in the world except Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her)!” But he answered me: “She was my wife and bore me a child.” (al-Bukhari).
Although the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) showed their jealousy, this did not lead them to do anything beyond what was permitted by Shariah.
The monogamous marriage of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) lasted twenty-five years until his wife died. Throughout their family life he never showed interest in other women.
After that, in the wisdom of Allah, he was instructed to marry several women, and most of these marriages were made for the edification of the community or for the purpose of establishing relations with other tribes. However, all his wives were held in high esteem, and a great reward was promised to them for the endurance with which they endured the trials and tribulations of life as the wives of the Prophet.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was able to mitigate conflicts between them and resolve quarrels based on jealousy, doing this for the sake of peace in the house. With rare exceptions, his wives also tried not to quarrel, they helped their husband in solving various issues, worked hard to feed the poor and became mothers to all believers.
Such a family was possible only thanks to the wise leadership of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who, leading his family, himself set an example for her and at the same time humbly served her, for which he will always be considered the best of husbands in the history of Islam.
Ten rules that will help bring husband and wife closer together, earn the contentment and love of her husband:
1. Try to save the marriage - this is grace; your happiness from this is greater than the happiness of a man, because you are weaker than him in fulfilling the obligations of life; marriage for you is a cover, prosperity and honor. Know: the headship in the family belongs to the husband, he will be better able to bear it, do not challenge him and do not try to dominate him.
2. Obey your husband in what he commands, do not deny him what is due to him by the law of the Almighty, sincerely love and respect him, manage his house and affairs with benevolence and fidelity, try to finish household chores when your husband is absent, dress up for him, when he is at home, be always clean and graceful in yourself and at home, so that he finds peace and pleasure close to you.
3. Do not bother with demands, know the limits and possibilities of your husband and his desires, never lie, this will take away his trust in you, do not raise your voice above his voice, do not annoy him with conversations that he does not like.
4. Stay away from everything that will damage your honor and the honor of your husband, keep your chastity from any suspicion, obscurity and do not appear uncovered or dressed up in front of any man except him, apart from close relatives, do not leave his house without his permission.
5. Be careful not to divulge any of your husband's secrets, do not talk about his shortcomings to anyone and do not be friends with those women whom he does not want to see as your girlfriends.
6. Help your husband find the gratitude of his parents and relatives and encourage him to do this if he makes omissions. Avoid any harm between them, by this you will be exalted in their eyes and hearts, they will be pleased with your intelligence and sincerity.
7. Meet your husband well, greeting him with a smile, play with him, but in moderation, also see you off beautifully, praying for him, and do not be lazy to fulfill his requirements, look for his gratitude, this will win his heart.
8. Do not disturb your husband with complaints about difficulties at home and do not do him a favor, this will alienate him from you, take him away from home to entertainment. Remember your husband at home, know that he has more problems than you. He comes home to rest mentally and physically, to rejoice in you, do not push him away. Make your home a garden of joy and love.
9. If your husband is angry, you are silent, apologize gently, endure, be meek, he will return to you with more tenderness and respect, quickly bring him gratitude if he asks for it.
10. Do not be irritated if poverty or difficulties have befallen your husband, share the difficulties with him just as you are content with his successes.
Don't get used to being angry - this is the door of separation; avoid litigation with him before the courts - this kills good relations and dishonors the family.
Do not allow your loved ones to humiliate the honor of your husband by word or deed.
Do not leave your children to be brought up on the street, organize their spiritual and physical development, when they grow up, they will be to your benefit or to your detriment.
Elvira Sadrutdinova
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and our son has been growing for two and a half years. We live with my husband's parents, they and my parents help me, because my husband practically does not support us.
The fact is that we have a lot of guests, a lot of work. Sometimes, unable to stand it, I expressed resentment to my husband because of the endless work, because there was neither time nor energy left for my personal life, I asked for separate housing for my son and me. It happened that we didn’t sleep until the morning, we did all sorts of work, cleaning, preparations, preparing for the holidays, etc.
I am young, and I wanted to dress up for my husband, but it doesn’t work out here, I have to walk around in home work clothes all the time. Then I find out that my husband took a second wife! Of course, I am offended - I stayed here to work for his parents, for their guests, relatives, and much more for me, and he goes to her, to his second wife - she has her own house. We had an agreement that if he wants to take a second wife, he will first give me housing, and only after that he will marry a second time.
What do i do??? He did not provide housing and does not particularly provide for my son and me. Where's the justice??? I ask for housing, he says he can't yet.
I also want female happiness! I want to live separately so that I have time for my son and husband, I want to look beautiful for him, go home without a hijab, and here I have to constantly be in a hijab. I am very offended, he left me as a servant, and he goes to a free wife. At least if she had her own housing, she could take care of herself. And here you have to obey the mother-in-law, the sister-in-law.
Can I get a divorce, and can a wife get a divorce if she cannot tolerate polygamy? What should I do? Give me advice! And yet, do I have the right to divorce or not?
In terms of religion:
Islam placed the burden of providing the family with everything necessary on the shoulders of the head of the family - the husband. It is the husband who should provide for his family, and not they together or the wife. Naturally, this does not mean that the wife or children should not help the head of the family in this, especially when he cannot cope, despite his efforts. For every penny spent by the wife in favor of the family, she will receive a reward from the Almighty, nothing is wasted. But along with this, as already mentioned, the spouse has every right to demand security from her husband. And this right of a woman is so strong that if it is violated, if her husband does not fulfill it, she has the right to divorce. If your husband does not provide for you properly, you can ask the imam to divorce you.
Regarding living conditions and doing homework, I can say the following. If you have your own room and conditions in your mother-in-law's house, you are considered to be a settled spouse, regardless of who owns this house. You are not obliged to do housework if it is unacceptable for you to help your mother-in-law with the housework - refuse to do it and invite your husband to equip the house so that you have your own kitchen, bathroom, etc. The fact that the husband married another woman does not give the first wife the right to divorce, so you cannot leave your husband simply because he took another wife.
In no case do not refuse closed clothing, it must be worn not because of the husband and not because of the mother-in-law, but by the command of the Almighty. The obligation of the hijab is mentioned in the Koran itself and in many sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
You should also not rush to a divorce, in general with such a thought. As practice shows, most women, including those who initiated the divorce themselves, regretted it. Divorce of a Muslim married couple is the most objectionable thing to the Almighty, while it is the favorite of Satan. Show a little patience, be able to curb your jealousy and pride, control yourself. Allah says twice in the Quran that every difficulty is followed by relief.
From the point of view of psychology:
Of course, your husband's behavior deserves censure, but you do not need censure, but a solution to the problem. It just so happens that many family problems turn out to be insoluble due to the fact that one of the parties does not see the problem in what is happening and is content with what is. In many ways, the problem would be solved if the husband also made efforts to solve it. So it turns out that there are too many "if".
We are unlikely to be able to directly influence your husband, but it will be possible through your certain actions. Much can change if you properly organize your activities and correctly allocate time for certain work. This will free you a little and open a new perspective on what is happening. Temporarily put aside the thought of divorce and think about how you can change the situation. In principle, it can easily happen that the husband, unable to withstand the pressure, will take the initiative to divorce himself. But then what? Indeed, for the full development of a child (especially a boy), it is necessary that the parents be married and be close. Start looking for the positives in the position you are in right now. You can, of course, inform your husband about your intention to divorce, but without demanding a divorce. This may somehow affect the situation, but it is better to refrain from this. He can be unpredictable in his behavior and make decisions that will not make you, him, or your child better in the future.
I don’t know how much these words will help you, but all difficulties in life are temporary and relief always comes after them. You just need to concentrate more on yourself, on raising the boy, on instilling positive character traits in him. As for the behavior of your husband, he most likely found a quiet place for himself where he can spend time calmly. However, it cannot be ruled out that he is driven by more noble motives. In any case, it is better to think good things about a person than bad things. You, most importantly, remind him of his duties regarding the maintenance of the family and the upbringing of his son, but do it unobtrusively, without scandals and reproaches.
Why do you lament the fact that you are always forced to wear closed clothes, because this is not a whim of your husband, but the prescriptions of religion. It is clear that you want to relax and feel free in your home, but you should also think about those who are generally forced to huddle without a roof over their heads in all sorts of social shelters. Don't despair, it all comes and goes. Difficulties will surely give way to relief. Such is life and its rules.
Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children
