Again you overdid it soup, and you don’t cook well, and you always have a mess at home, and you raise your child incorrectly, and don’t take care of yourself ... Why do men love to criticize women so much and how to behave if a husband or partner constantly finds fault with everything?
Of course it hurts when loved one makes unfair remarks and points out your flaws. No matter how calm a woman you are, you don’t want to silently “swallow” all this, and you begin to emotionally defend yourself in response to his accusations. And, oh horror, after a minute you yourself, not wanting it, begin to attack him, recalling to him all past and present sins. Of course, such showdowns usually end in a quarrel and tears. They leave a heavy residue in the soul, and sometimes can cause hostility and even hatred towards each other.
Why men constantly picking on their women? According to most psychologists, in this way the stronger sex wants to show how he cares about her and does not receive anything in return. This means that every male criticism should be taken as a global reproach: "You are not attentive enough to me." Most often, criticism from the lips of a man sounds so that it is not clear how to perceive it correctly and what needs to be changed in one's behavior. By making claims like "You don't understand me," the man acts as an accuser, thereby trying to shift the responsibility for the situation onto the woman.
To get out of an unpleasant situation winner, sets his traps consistently and wisely. It looks something like this: "I warned you, you didn't listen and now don't be offended, I'll do it too...". This is how the critic opens his freedom. A woman can no longer blame him for irresponsibility when he goes alone with friends to drink beer or returns home late at night.
Certainly such deeds do not add love and warmth to the relationship. Criticism can be useful only in those cases when it is as a suggestion or advice. For example, "I like slim women, let's sign up with you in the gym." So you can criticize at least every day, it is difficult to make a fuss and take offense at such proposals.
Men generally do not love declaration of love. They don't like it when women make accusations against them like: "You forgot about my birthday", "You only think about your job, you are not interested in us." In fact, by uttering such phrases, women, as it were, confess their love themselves and want to receive confirmation that their feelings are mutual.
Nobody wants to be an object critics, but if a man constantly accuses of something, this is a sign that the time has come to change something in himself. After all, always, if something does not work out in life, the ideal way to correct the situation is to start with yourself. When a woman responds to a man's claims with accusations, he begins to resist. But when a woman gives him something, the man changes his behavior for the better and the relationship between them improves. Remember, any partnership "works" on the principle of communicating vessels.
We must be able to distinguish when man criticized without the intention of harm and when he already feels hostility towards the woman. Sometimes the reason for criticism from a man is banal fatigue. He may be anxious or have had a bad day. In this case, a woman should not take everything to heart and remain silent in response to ridiculous remarks.
However, if unfair criticism falls on a woman with regular constancy, then a man should not be allowed to manipulate himself. In such cases, it is necessary to show firmness, there is no need to silently "swallow" the accusations. Do not forget the folk wisdom that says: "A bad peace is better than a good quarrel." Constant containment of negative emotions leads to the accumulation of aggression, which over time necessarily spills out. So turning into a "powder keg" is also wrong!
To wean a man criticize, you can respond to claims with a joke, saying: "Yes, dear, I'm so bad and as soon as you put up with me ...". But such word games exclude the existence of mutual understanding and trust in a couple. After all, in this case it turns out that a woman, instead of solving the problem, simply "mirrors" it. Therefore, it is worth using this method only in situations where the militant critic understands humor and is ready to come to an understanding.
The only one universal way The best way to build a relationship with a man who regularly criticizes a woman is to talk directly to him about your feelings. To ask him why he behaves this way, what hurts, worries, surprises, irritates him ... This, of course, is not easy, but it is necessary to learn to open oneself, although this requires a lot of inner work.
Male criticism hurts a lot, creates a sense of guilt, makes you defend, attack and makes a woman unhappy. In order to change the situation after hearing criticism, it is important to maintain a friendly atmosphere, not to shout or cry, not to stoop to nit-picking and swearing. Then the man will want to listen to the woman and consider her suggestions.
All men are different, and each of them has its own shortcomings and bad habits. There are obvious disadvantages, such as alcohol addiction, smoking, and so on. But there are also less noticeable and at the same time very unpleasant features of the character of a man. If a man constantly grumbles and shows discontent, then no girl will like it and does not paint him at all. What to do in such a situation?
You can often hear the phrase from a woman: "My husband constantly finds fault with me." Can this problem be solved? It all depends on how strong your nerves are and whether your relationship is still precious.
Psychologists advise a woman to try not to respond to her husband's grumbling. Ignore everything he says. This will help save your nerves, because arguing and proving something to a grumbler, you still won’t achieve anything.
A man who is always dissatisfied with everything will always find a topic for grumbling. If he was previously dissatisfied with the fact that his wife does not cook like that, and you solved this problem, then he will begin to grumble about negligent neighbors or show dissatisfaction with politicians and the situation in the world as a whole. Therefore, it will not be possible to eliminate the cause of discontent if a man has a naturally quarrelsome character. And if you constantly dissuade him, persuade him or argue with him, then you will not have enough strength or energy.
Of course, it is quite difficult not to notice a grumbling man, but try to perceive his speech as white noise. It is, of course, unpleasant, but inevitable. In the end, a person got used to the noise emitted by transport and working appliances.
How can it help? Believe me, a grumbling man is a kind of energy vampire that feeds on your energy. It's hard to hold back and not respond if he is constantly unhappy with you, but trust me, it's worth it.
The second effective way is to copy the behavior. That is, start behaving in exactly the same way as he does. If he is not happy with you as a hostess, start grumbling about his salary, mastery abilities, and so on. Moreover, you will achieve a greater effect if you begin to get real pleasure from the process.
And so that the husband understands how unpleasant his habit is to grumble all the time, exactly copy the intonation and his words. This method makes a man look at himself through the eyes of another person. Many men then try to restrain their displeasure and grumbling.
What you definitely shouldn’t do is make a scandal with breaking dishes. This, of course, shocks the man, and he stops grumbling, but not for long. After a short period of time, it will again become the same, and a new scandal or hysteria on your part will no longer have the same effect.
Of course, if he constantly insults and humiliates you and at the same time experiences undisguised pleasure, then it will not work to help him in the above ways. He needs the help of a psychologist. And a woman in this situation should think about whether she can continue to endure these insults or is it better to get a divorce and live a full life. Remember, you don't owe him anything. You are worthy best man than this person. Most likely, in such a pair there is no longer love, only habit holds. After all, it is impossible to love a person who allows himself such behavior towards you.
Of course, if a man was born with character traits, like a grumpy woman, then he himself will not be able to fix anything. This situation has been described above. But if his dissatisfaction lies in certain things, then here you can help him cope with such a situation.
Very often the reason is in the wife herself. A man is dissatisfied with his wife, namely her attitude towards him. Sometimes the wife is completely immersed in her hobbies, work, or she directs all her attention and love to the children. In this case, the husband's grumbling is aimed at attracting her attention to himself.
But sometimes grumbling is caused by dissatisfaction at work and unfulfilled dreams and desires. In this case, you can help your husband. Psychologists offer some practical tips to help you cope on your own:
You can learn well the character and habits of a person only after living with him for a certain period of time. After all, we all, meeting with a person, are trying to seem better. Just because a guy doesn't grumble on dates doesn't mean he doesn't.
Pickiness as a personality trait is a tendency to make claims against a person, exaggerated demands for any trifling and petty reason, to inflate individual mistakes and mistakes to the level of a permanent belonging, properties of his nature, to attach too much importance to them.
A picky person is a syringe programmed for constant injections. The daughter of discontent - pickiness, in order to manifest itself more clearly, uses a whole arsenal of improvised tools - reproaches, reproaches, reproaches, remarks, criticism, condemnation. Being, as a rule, petty, notorious and touchy, in retaliation for her complexes, resentment and weakness, she finds fault with every pillar. Exceptions are only certain types of life activity and especially extreme situations where the captiousness of an older experienced person is appropriate and necessary. Behind such captiousness is the life and health of people.
For example, any army is based on discipline, so it is difficult to do without pickiness. In one military unit there was a company, the soldiers of which were the standard of discipline and neatness, at least to send. The commander himself wanted to look at the curiosity-commander. The company commander, Senior Lieutenant Golopupenko, came out to meet the delegation. His pood fists, menacingly protruding jaw, narrow forehead and sharp, gimlet eyes were striking. Approaching the commander, he immediately told him: “Fix the tie. Fasten the button on the tunic. The general looked at the regimental commander in bewilderment. He instantly jumped up to the commander and whispered in his ear: “Quickly do what the company commander says. He doesn't repeat twice.
Pickiness is the result of repressed negative emotions. As a rule, four emotions serve as sources of pickiness - anger, shame, fear and despondency or regret, longing. A person who is under the influence of negative emotions for a long time endangers himself, because negativism destroys health. We will not spoil the mood by listing those diseases that are associated with a long-term proximity of a person with negative emotions. At the same time, a person is not a robot; you cannot protect him from the manifestation of the whole spectrum of emotions - both positive and negative. A disastrous occupation is to suppress negative emotions. This means - to drive the destructive misfortune inside. Negative emotions should not be suppressed, but culturally manifested. You can't smother anger with a pillow. If a person follows the path of restraining negative emotions, he turns into a producer of psychological blocks.
Pickiness is created on the basis of suppressed negative emotions and, because of this, does not allow love to be shown. The root of evil is hidden here. Pickiness is the inability to show love due to the burden of repressed emotions. How can a wife show love for her husband if she has accumulated irritation towards him for scattered clothes, a described toilet lid, “hairy” soap and legendary socks? The more irritation, the stronger the block of pickiness blocks the possibility of showing love.
Pickiness is a wedge for the manifestation of love. The psychological block of pickiness will jam any manifestations of tender feelings, because it causes a protest state of false ego in both parties. The husband finds fault with his wife by criticizing her actions. For example, she spent a lot of money and not rationally, in a word, accuses her of wastefulness. Pickiness loves the words “as always”, “never”, “well, what else could be expected from you”, “your family”, “your mother”. These words are a red rag for a false ego: “You can never be trusted with money,” says the husband, “You will always spend it on trenches-shmantsy. Careless, like your mother. Your whole family is like that, you only think about yourself. What else could be expected from a woman whose mother is a spender and her father is a spendthrift? After such an introduction, the wife’s false ego not only woke up, but started up and splashed out with the words: “I won’t talk about your family, about your crazy mother, alcoholic - dad, bandits - brothers and prostitutes - sisters. I won't say anything. I am nobler than you. I'm not such a petty and greedy brute as you." It is clear that after such a “nice conversation”, there can be no talk of any love until they make peace.
Pickiness is the voice of dissatisfied, dissatisfied feelings. Feelings are the tentacles of the mind. Without them, nowhere, but with them problems. They have an insatiable nature: "Give more, but only better." They are not satisfied, like the insatiable, unbridled Messalina. No matter how much you serve them, they always pinch the mind, putting forward more and more new demands. In a relationship, they go through four stages - hunger, satiety, satiety and disgust. At the stage of hunger, they keep quiet. For example, a man met a woman and is rapidly developing a relationship. Feelings have no reason to find fault, they endure and wait in the wings. The sense of touch especially trembles with anticipation of pleasure, it is it that is associated with being satiated, the senses begin to grumble: “I'm tired. Give something fresh or use what you have in a new way. In a word, come up with something, because we want something so unusual. A man, obedient to his mind, begins to find fault with a woman, that is, to show discontent, declaring: “Well, why are you lying like a dead man in a coffin? Hey! At the bottom! Did you sleep there?"
The captiousness of the husband, as it is not this and this is not that, is a signal of infidelity in feelings and behavior, or the bitter fruit of betrayal, handed to his wife. Thinking about another woman, or not only thinking, but also directly communicating with her, the husband moves away from his wife and children. When it comes to infidelity, everything in the family begins to annoy him and, as a result, endless nit-picking appears on every occasion. Through captiousness, the husband tries to justify himself, to find those responsible for his behavior. Conscience, if it remains, tells him: “You are to blame,” but it hurts to accept the correctness of these words. It is much easier to blame your wife for your sins. Some reach the point of absurdity, remembering that twenty years ago, even before marriage, she had a man. Having persuaded himself, the husband begins to show captiousness. The family recedes into the background.
Pickiness is a consequence of repressed, unrealized shame, fear, anger and discouragement. As a critical mindset towards close people and everything that happens, pickiness does not want to admit its imperfection. For example, to be ashamed means to admit one's imperfection, whether it be appearance, personality traits, or state of mind. You need to be objective and convince yourself that all people are imperfect. The meaning of our existence on Earth lies precisely in the development of our mind, in self-consciousness. If I have a long nose, only a narrow-minded, unreasonable person can peck at this circumstance. Is it worth it to get upset, ashamed and, as a result, vent your bad mood in the form of nitpicking on loved ones. A reasonable person will be interested in my inner world, and a superficial snob will be interested in my nose and other external tinsel. As soon as a person looks into himself, discovers these four negative emotions, realizes that they are the result of previously committed unworthy, ignoble deeds that disturb the conscience, poison them, and a miracle will happen - the dragon of captiousness, deprived of feeding, will die from exhaustion.
We live with a civil husband for 2 years (husband 43 years old, I am 36 years old) a common child 7 months from his first marriage, a son of 12 years old. The husband is a good person - responsible, caring, attentive, pays his salary to the penny and in general, as they say, everything goes to the house, loves our baby and even in the first for months he got up with me at night to help. But he constantly finds fault with everything. In general, I consider myself very neat, but I’ll remove some nonsense. I left unfinished tea, or the soup slob ran away, it’s not about the fact that I left the stove dirty, the main thing is that I allowed the soup to run away. They didn’t put the remote control in the wrong place, put his slippers when they washed the floor, etc Constant attacks and insults on his part: "our mother, as always, is careless and irresponsible" I start to defend myself, it comes to a scandal. why don’t you meet me here?” These little things poison our lives. I’m quite interesting and attractive, I never sit idle, I really want to hear compliments and praise from a loved one, but instead of undeserved humiliation and insults, I constantly cry. I have something to compare my first husband drank heavily, it's terrible. This husband does not drink or smoke, I appreciate his responsibility. But how can I put up with his tediousness without harming my nerves and health? And most importantly, how to help the eldest son (who does not even understand why they are shouting at him) not to pay attention to his nit-picking? Thanks in advance.
Hello Elizabeth. I think your problem is a little more serious than it might seem at first glance. From the information that you provided in the letter, we can make a preliminary conclusion that although your husband is a responsible person, this responsibility is achieved through constant internal tension, based on chronic dissatisfaction with yourself, especially recently, which is projected into external reality. You have been living with your husband for two years and, for sure, from the beginning of your life together wasn't that boring. Something has changed in your relationship that makes him be the way he appears to you now. What do you think? It is possible that your current husband is repeating his father's scenario, taking out on your son for those humiliations and displeasures that were delivered to him in childhood. It is possible that in this way he shows his displeasure because for some reason he is not satisfied with the conditions of existence in the family, for example, he is obliged to earn money, which he himself is not able to manage. Or maybe the problem is not in your husband, but in yourself? A person creates a family in order to be happy within this family, so that all members of his family are happy, and even if at least one family member, whether it be an adult or a child, is not satisfied family life, then it will affect everyone else in one way or another. As a way out of this situation, to begin with, a consultation with a psychologist and further work in order to realize those attitudes that were laid down, apparently, in childhood, in order to change them and normalize the family atmosphere on the basis of mutual understanding. Wishing you harmony in the family.
Good answer 1 bad answer 0Very important and useful are sometimes agreements between people (even if not spoken to each other, but mutually accepted). You are a MAN, strong, responsible, confident, strict, you protect, you provide for your family. You can rely on... I am a WOMAN, I create and keep comfort, take care of the house, household, children, man... Such agreements make life easier and more definite. Only sometimes time passes, and they begin to limit in something very important, vital. A WOMAN is also beauty, feelings, love, brilliance, charm, play, coquetry... but God knows what else is not there. :) The same is true of a MAN. Someone is much more than what is determined for him by agreement. And sometimes, when the scope of the contract becomes tight, you can expand it a little. And, first of all, let in something else that is in the person who is next to you. And allow yourself to be something more. Then a little certainty is lost, but life is added. And you see, a man who has become not only a "guarantor" will see in a woman not only a "mistress of the house" and a "mother of children."
Good answer 0 bad answer 2Hello dear Elena. I was greatly helped by your, no doubt, very valuable advice. Thanks to them, I realized that I could change something in myself that I hadn’t paid attention to before and note how much I had moved forward from the impasse in which I had been slipping for a very long time.
Today I want to tell you about a difficult situation at work, because I’m completely confused, and I don’t have enough strength to endure all this (and I’m afraid to take it and leave, so I suffer, because I live in another city, I rent a house).
I am a kitchen worker, for 4 years now, in kindergarten. Our kitchen team is predominantly female and is divided into 2 shifts, 2 cooks, and 1 kitchen. On the one hand, it’s convenient, the schedule suits me, it seems that it’s not as hard to work as it was at first, and I perform my duties no worse than my partner from the other shift.
But from the very beginning, that shift finds fault with me on business and not on business, criticism is not only useful, but also in order to defuse me and throw off tension (sort of like vampirism). My chefs have also been tortured by criticism, everything we do is wrong!
In addition, that shift turned against us all around, they diligently make us outcasts, fools, and whipping girls. It doesn’t come to open scandals yet, they grumble at each other behind their backs. But the fact is that now EVERY DAY, the negativity of that shift goes through my ears.
I finish my work, my chefs leave after serving, and I do the dishes and clean up after myself. That shift diligently fires ours, will definitely hook me “tell Zhanna that she did something wrong” ... Why is that? Shouldn't they just walk up to her and tell her directly? Jeanne - you don't do that. Or “tomorrow we’ll say something, Natasha is a witness, we counted in front of her” (they weren’t given two loaves of white, but everything poured on me).
I am already silent, I don’t ask about anything, I don’t say anything, because any of my words is perceived with hostility. Out of their bad manners, they do not hesitate to call us "mongrels", "stupid" and other "beautiful" words. We don't say anything about them and we never get personal.
I wanted to ask your advice, what should we do? A normal conversation will not help, they simply will not hear us, it is also more expensive to fight with them. The manager listens to their complaints addressed to us, we never approached her, although I called my own, but they are afraid. I need an outside view and your opinion as a psychologist - what is happening with these people, why does everything go through me, although in most cases I have nothing to do with it?
Hello, Natalia! I remember your story. You just noticed that you have no power to influence these grumpy ladies. People in dialogue with themselves and any attempts to set up a dialogue with them will entail an even greater outburst of negativity, and you will add frustration and even more misunderstanding why they are like that and what they generally need.
As for the appeal to the manager, perhaps it makes sense. Do you think that an adequate dialogue is possible with her, what is her position on this issue in general?
I am convinced that if you cannot change the situation, change your attitude towards it. Natalya, try to look at the brawlers not as vampires draining energy from you, but as people with serious problems. You are a decent, polite worker and a sane person with a good attitude; their antics do not characterize you in any way.
But you are capable. Try to minimize meetings with them, avoid contact, plan work so that you finish faster, for example. Meet only on business, quickly handed over the shift and left. I do not know how everything is arranged for you, but you can decide something in this direction.
Try to train yourself to solve the problem. For example, don't ask yourself why they do this, ask yourself what solution I can find to not see, hear and participate in this.
Do not touch them and do not peer to understand the reasons (everything is clear with them), just protect yourself, this is what you are responsible for.
Please write comments, let's observe the dynamics and results of solutions that you can find.
