Imagine a glass of water into which water is dripping. What happens when the glass is full but the water continues to drip? With a glass and water, everything is clear to us. But, if we draw an analogy with human feelings, do we understand what happens to a person who is overwhelmed? In this article, I will present my reflections on what happens to a person in such situations. I will also talk about nitpicking on trifles and whether these are really petty nitpicks or something more serious.
The more repressed feelings (actions) a person has, the more irritable he is. Suppressed feelings arise from the inability or prohibition to express emotions, or when a person understands that if he expresses his feelings, this will negatively affect the relationship. For example, a parent puts a child in a rigid framework, not taking into account his interests. The child suppresses his protest to this rigid framework and the need to realize his desires, as he understands that his irritation will be suppressed. He will be punished if he protests.
An internal one arises, in which the child can unconsciously choose rebellion. Sensitive parents can listen to the child's protest. But if this does not happen, against the background of a conflict of needs, the child may develop a nervous symptom, for example, which appeared against the background of the inability to express one's irritation and defend interests (An adult suffers for the time being, for the time being). The symptom in this case plays the role of a repository of emotions, and how long they will be stored there, and what will happen to the child next, is a matter of time.
In relationships between adults, it happens the same way as between a parent and a child. The degree of intensity of passions and the consequences are different, but the mechanism of the formation of irritation is the same. The only difference is that the child does not yet know how to be indignant over trifles, and his expectations for his parents are reduced only to the need for acceptance and love, the need for his own personal emotional space.
Each person has his own picture of the world. This includes everything that happens in his thinking and behavior. Each of us has our own idea of the world, ourselves and relationships. It is quite understandable to look for a partner that matches our ideas. The view often sets expectations, and how they are implemented will fundamentally affect the relationship.
I want to repeat that each of us has his own idea of the world. When two people meet, they meet, two different stories intersect. They will never be the same, no matter how much we would like it.
Relationships exist on the difference and the sameness of partners. Needs change over time. For example, partners like to ride a bike together, go to the movies, their eating habits are the same, and so on. You might think that everything is perfect, as they show in movies and TV shows.
In another period of time, their needs do not match; one person wants to go on vacation to the sea, and the other wants to go to the mountains. One gets up early in the morning and goes about his daily business, while the other sleeps until lunch on a day off, which is reflected in joint activities. One person wants to be alone at some point, while another has a need for intimacy. If they sit opposite each other and start discussing what they are different in, then there will be points for more than one hour of conversation. What then?
It is based on how partners satisfy each other's needs. The quality of the relationship also depends on how their interests overlap. But think for yourself, would you like your interests to intersect everywhere and in everything? If you answered “Yes”, then you are still young, and / or ideas about relationships are extremely idealized.
When there are many different things in partners, then sometimes you want stability and predictability in relationships - sameness. When there are a lot of coincidences in interests, then there is no room for difference, for individualization, and deadly boredom can set in, which you want to dilute with variety.
I thought that the mainstay in a relationship is how the partners are the same in character and way of life. But only now I understand that support in a relationship is the ability to realize one’s own and partner’s sameness and difference without harming the relationship. Only under such conditions there is no room for irritation, and there is an opportunity to see, accept each other as they are, without pretensions.
About boredom and monotony. What if the need to dilute boredom with variety does not support a partner? For example, you are already tired of going to the movies and riding a bike together, and you want something like that to take your breath away with delight, but your partner wants to go to the movies and then ride a bike. He wants, even though you crack, and not to convince him of this. What then happens to people's emotions when their needs and interests do not match? It can immediately leave - why torture yourself and another person? (Understand this as a question, not a statement.)
When there are too many different things in partners, it seems that people are strangers to each other. If so, then what was fundamental to the relationship? I think if initially the partners were so different that they really were strangers to each other, then no one would strive to build relationships.
Maybe the feeling of alienation is not the internal organization of people's characters, but the fact that at a given moment in time something is happening with their feelings and experiences? Something that blocks interest in a partner? For example, a woman has an idea that a man should give flowers and sometimes confess his love. The satisfaction of these needs symbolizes for her her own significance, the need for a man. A man, in turn, does not give flowers and does not confess his feelings, not because he does not want to do this, but because he cannot, in view of internal prohibitions and fears. These prohibitions and fears are caused by his idea that if he confesses his feelings, then he will be counted, and they can part with him.
The situation is not clarified in any way, the woman thinks that she is indifferent to the man, despite the fact that he is very caring. Feeling useless for him, encourages her to gradually move away from the relationship. The resolution of the internal conflict (I like him, but he doesn’t like me, because ...) she sees only in a break in relations. Her nit-picking over trifles is a kind of outlet for internal tension: indignation, anger...
Watching a woman become more and more nervous towards him, a man perceives this as a rejection and begins to think about ending the relationship himself (we are not suitable for each other, since she does not need me). Do you think I came up with this situation? Wrong! I have seen many such situations during my consultations. Someone thought something, imagined, made a decision and suffers, although in fact, it was only necessary to discuss the problem and not wind oneself up in something that does not even exist.
"Honey, why don't you give me flowers?" I love this kind of care. - You know, I never gave flowers to anyone, because I was afraid that if I gave flowers, the woman would think that I had fallen in love with her, and she would consider me weak. “No, what kind of weakness is that?” For me, the manifestation of male feelings in words and actions is a manifestation of his strength and masculinity.
What do you think will happen with such a conversation with the couple's feelings for each other? I think that there will be a lot of warmth and tenderness, trust from the fact that everything can be discussed.
Nibbling over trifles is a signal that something is going wrong in a relationship. You can devalue your nit-picking: - “well, I find fault with various little things, and so what?”, without asking the question of what is actually happening with a person and relationships. For example, a woman finds fault with a man about a mug left unwashed. At the beginning of the relationship, this behavior did not annoy her, but then ... What has changed in the relationship since then? What is her? Why is she really unhappy? Maybe her nagging is a way out of hidden anger from the fact that she is no longer sure of the seriousness of the man's relationship to her? Perhaps the man has stopped caring for her and she is annoyed by everything that the man does. Even if everyone does that, it's also annoying. (In this case, I can admit that her irritation may be a hidden desire to attract the attention of a man).
Nagging sometimes does not have such serious reasons that I described above, but are due to moral and ethical education. For example, from time immemorial, it has been customary for a woman in her family to keep the house clean and everything in its place. There are no primary causes of conflict in the relationship, it’s just that the husband’s behavior with an unwashed mug does not fit into her family scenario.
Here, of course, you can re-educate yourself in order to allow changes in your script. “He doesn’t wash his mug after himself, and so what? Maybe he also has a family scenario in the male line, where no one washed the mug after himself, and there is no point in redoing it. He is like that, and that's it." Everything, the conflict was resolved by accepting the situation as it is.
Protest is the most common way of behavior, due to the desire to adjust reality to fit your expectations, your picture of the world. In this behavior, the woman simply begins to be indignant (to bend her line) and demandingness is heard in her words: “clean up the mug after yourself”, “why don’t you clean it up?”, “how many times do I repeat it to you?”, “how am I tired of all this "...
Yes, it can have an effect, but at what cost? In a man, a woman’s protest can also turn on irritability, as someone has the audacity to climb into his habits, tell him what to do (Don’t tell me what to do, and I won’t tell you where to go). I won’t be surprised if a man starts to follow a woman, wanting to catch her in “errors”. A war game begins, which can go on a counteroffensive, the heavy artillery of which is the expression of reproaches, anger and resentment, which have nothing to do with an unwashed mug and ear sticks that have not been removed after themselves. The main purpose of such behavior is to protect their borders from attack and weaken the "enemy" by attack.
Have you met cases when a serious quarrel began with harmless things? I met. Harmless things are a fuse from the explosives of accumulated discontent and claims. In moments like these, when two people live together in tension, I get the impression that there are two time bombs nearby. Sooner or later, one or both of the bombs will go off. You know the consequences, or you can imagine. By the way, the reason for breaking off relations is sometimes an internal, unbearable tension. The rupture of relations in this case is a release from this tension. (I will cut off my finger so that it does not hurt).
My wife, at one time, to my everyday habits that hurt her, said that there is a family, common space, the interests of which should be taken into account, since not only I am in this space. It sobered me up, while reproaches and remarks had no effect on me. “You have your own territory,” she said, “where you can do whatever you want. I continued to do whatever I wanted on my territory, but I already took into account the interests of the family territory.
Humor works well to combat the habits of another person, which trigger the mechanism of indignation over trifles. Here is what I found on the Internet: “And about dirty socks under the bed, I once said to my own: - they always remind me of you, even when you are not around. I go to bed, and they are dear here, they lie and SMELL almost at the very pillow and my soul becomes calmer, as if you are near ... They laughed. Now every time, when he is about to throw them under the bed, he smiles and carries them to the washer.”
The ability to laugh at the complexities is a science that should be comprehended. There are situations that need to be dealt with with a serious face. There are situations that should not be solved, because it just takes time for the situation to resolve itself. There are situations that only humor can solve, as it dissipates the potential for importance.
When there is time for emotional response (when there is none, it is important to find it by pausing), you can twist the options in your thoughts on how to express your needs through humor. For example, on an open closet after you, you can say the following: “ When, after you take things in the closet, you leave it open, I have a child that a ghost can come out of there and walk around the house ”; “I know that you spend a lot of energy closing the closet - please go eat a sandwich to stock up on energy for the next time”. And what option with a wardrobe, using humor, do you have?
If, due to your touchiness (nitpicking), you are drawn into, then with humor it is better to wait and start by sorting out the relationship. It often happens that the relationship is tense, both sides suffer, but no one dares to start a conversation about it. Relationships must be clear. Humor, of course, is good, but when there is internal tension, conflict in relationships, humor can lead away from solving real problems.
In order to defuse tension, you can play around in conscious response of feelings, with pronouncing what you want to do. For example, you can say to a person: “Come here, please. I'm going to be mad at you now for not cleaning up your mug. I don’t want to endure this irritation, but I want you to see and hear what is going on in my soul, and I want to get rid of this irritation. (It is very important to speak without accusation and condemnation, otherwise this is no longer a reprimand, but a specific attack). I am wildly angry at my irritation, and I don’t know how to fix it, which makes me even more angry. When I'm angry and you don't understand me, I pull away from you. Do you need it? To me - no. I understand that you have developed this habit over the years, and it is hard for you to change it, just like me, it is extremely difficult to change yourself. You can't, I can't, and I'm getting more and more stressed. I'm afraid that at one "perfect" moment, I'll just burst. Tell me, are you doing this on purpose, or unconsciously? If on purpose, then tell me what you want from me? If unconsciously, it makes me feel a little better. Let's clarify this situation so as not to bring relations to a critical point.
The conscious pronunciation of what you are going to do is not “the chirping of a machine gun” at point-blank range (you are so-and-so because ...), but pronunciation: “ I will now fire a warning shot up. Poof-f-f!!!". In this case, the warning talk about what you are going to do, in itself, already reduces the intensity of passions.
You can do the same with resentment: “Now I will step aside, fold my arms on my chest, frown my eyebrows, pout my lips, lower my head, and look, do I manage to be offended convincingly, or not?”(The element of humor is already included here).
Being inside the conflict, it is difficult to understand what is happening and to respond to situations adequately. You need a distance from a person, a time interval in order to observe from a distance and understand what is happening, to formulate the thought that you want to say.
Indignation over trifles may not have a direct bearing on the other person. A series of ups and downs in life: stress at work, physical or emotional fatigue, life crises, and further, further, further ... Unfortunately, this can be played out on loved ones with the unconscious goal of getting rid of excess emotions. If this happens, then it is important to tell the other person about it that: - "I'm not annoyed with you, I just have a lot of irritation due to fatigue." If you do not say this, do not ask for support and understanding, then there may be a bias in relations, where you will express irritation due to fatigue to someone who has nothing to do with this. What should the person next to you do? What does he think about the fact that the claims are addressed to him?
A classic example of this situation is the critical days before, (or) during, (or) after the menstrual cycle, caused by hormonal changes in the body. Most often, as far as I know, critical days come before the menstrual cycle and at its very beginning. Critical days, as I now write and reflect, are days in which there is a lot of criticism. Is there anything else that needs to be added? For men, I want to write something so that they gain patience and understanding with the acceptance of the female situation, otherwise nothing.
I heard the opinion that women these days want a caring, gentle attitude towards themselves from a man. Not everything is so clear. There are women who, apart from peace and solitude, do not need anything else. A man who tries to take care of such a woman runs the risk of getting a frying pan in the ribs, literally and figuratively. Here, as they say, an individual approach is needed.
Women! If these days there are a lot of your criticisms and nit-picking of a man, tell him about what is happening to you. “Don’t you know what days a woman has about once a month and how they feel about it?” - also suitable. If a man has not fallen from the moon, and understands what is at stake, the chances that the relationship will burst at the seams during this period is minimized.
I want to repeat that if you find fault, resent small things to a person who has nothing to do with this, then it’s better to say this, otherwise there will be confusion in the relationship.
I want to get back to emotional and physical fatigue a little. If there is such a thing, then you yourself understand that rest is the best assistant in this matter. If there is relationship fatigue, then distance from a partner can even out the skew. Can not be bad people, sometimes the wrong distance is chosen.
The sobering effect of someone who finds fault with trifles and trifles will be the question: - "What do you really mean when you conflict with me over trifles?" The fact is that a person performs a lot of actions on the “machine”, completely unaware of what is happening. Such a question can bring back to reality the one who does not give an account of his actions.
I think women are more likely than men to be dissatisfied with little things, because in their mood they are more contradictory. To the question: - “what does a woman want”, I already ..., I no longer ask this question. When a woman acts contrary to sound logic (no one understands me as much as I don’t understand myself), this can destroy any relationship, but it can also bring diversity with which you will definitely never get bored, which can only strengthen relations. You only need to know the measure. But who follows it? The article was written on March 30, 2015.
Pickiness as a personality trait is a tendency to make claims against a person, exaggerated demands for any trifling and petty reason, to inflate individual mistakes and mistakes to the level of a permanent belonging, properties of his nature, to attach too much importance to them.
A picky person is a syringe programmed for constant injections. The daughter of discontent - pickiness, in order to manifest itself more clearly, uses a whole arsenal of improvised tools - reproaches, reproaches, reproaches, remarks, criticism, condemnation. Being, as a rule, petty, notorious and touchy, in retaliation for her complexes, resentment and weakness, she finds fault with every pillar. Exceptions are only certain types of life activity and especially extreme situations where the captiousness of an older experienced person is appropriate and necessary. Behind such captiousness is the life and health of people.
For example, any army is based on discipline, so it is difficult to do without pickiness. In one military unit there was a company, the soldiers of which were the standard of discipline and neatness, at least to send. The commander himself wanted to look at the curiosity-commander. The company commander, Senior Lieutenant Golopupenko, came out to meet the delegation. His pood fists, menacingly protruding jaw, narrow forehead and sharp, gimlet eyes were striking. Approaching the commander, he immediately told him: “Fix the tie. Fasten the button on the tunic. The general looked at the regimental commander in bewilderment. He instantly jumped up to the commander and whispered in his ear: “Quickly do what the company commander says. He doesn't repeat twice.
Pickiness is the result of repressed negative emotions. As a rule, four emotions serve as sources of pickiness - anger, shame, fear and despondency or regret, longing. A person who is under the influence of negative emotions for a long time endangers himself, because negativism destroys health. We will not spoil the mood by listing those diseases that are associated with a long-term proximity of a person with negative emotions. At the same time, a person is not a robot; you cannot protect him from the manifestation of the whole spectrum of emotions - both positive and negative. A disastrous occupation is to suppress negative emotions. This means - to drive the destructive misfortune inside. Negative emotions should not be suppressed, but culturally manifested. You can't smother anger with a pillow. If a person follows the path of restraining negative emotions, he turns into a producer of psychological blocks.
Pickiness is created on the basis of suppressed negative emotions and, because of this, does not allow love to be shown. The root of evil is hidden here. Pickiness is the inability to show love due to the burden of repressed emotions. How can a wife show love for her husband if she has accumulated irritation towards him for scattered clothes, a described toilet lid, “hairy” soap and legendary socks? The more irritation, the stronger the block of pickiness blocks the possibility of showing love.
Pickiness is a wedge for the manifestation of love. The psychological block of pickiness will jam any manifestations of tender feelings, because it causes a protest state of false ego in both parties. The husband finds fault with his wife by criticizing her actions. For example, she spent a lot of money and not rationally, in a word, accuses her of wastefulness. Pickiness loves the words “as always”, “never”, “well, what else could be expected from you”, “your family”, “your mother”. These words are a red rag for a false ego: “You can never be trusted with money,” says the husband, “You will always spend it on trenches-shmantsy. Careless, like your mother. Your whole family is like that, you only think about yourself. What else could be expected from a woman whose mother is a spender and her father is a spendthrift? After such an introduction, the wife’s false ego not only woke up, but started up and splashed out with the words: “I won’t talk about your family, about your crazy mother, alcoholic - dad, bandits - brothers and prostitutes - sisters. I won't say anything. I am nobler than you. I'm not such a petty and greedy brute as you." It is clear that after such a “nice conversation”, there can be no talk of any love until they make peace.
Pickiness is the voice of dissatisfied, dissatisfied feelings. Feelings are the tentacles of the mind. Without them, nowhere, but with them problems. They have an insatiable nature: "Give more, but only better." They are not satisfied, like the insatiable, unbridled Messalina. No matter how much you serve them, they always pinch the mind, putting forward more and more new demands. In a relationship, they go through four stages - hunger, satiety, satiety and disgust. At the stage of hunger, they keep quiet. For example, a man met a woman and is rapidly developing a relationship. Feelings have no reason to find fault, they endure and wait in the wings. The sense of touch especially trembles with anticipation of pleasure, it is it that is associated with being satiated, the senses begin to grumble: “I'm tired. Give something fresh or use what you have in a new way. In a word, come up with something, because we want something so unusual. A man, obedient to his mind, begins to find fault with a woman, that is, to show discontent, declaring: “Well, why are you lying like a dead man in a coffin? Hey! At the bottom! Did you sleep there?"
The captiousness of the husband, as it is not this and this is not that, is a signal of infidelity in feelings and behavior, or the bitter fruit of betrayal, handed to his wife. Thinking about another woman, or not only thinking, but also directly communicating with her, the husband moves away from his wife and children. When it comes to infidelity, everything in the family begins to annoy him and, as a result, endless nit-picking appears on every occasion. Through captiousness, the husband tries to justify himself, to find those responsible for his behavior. Conscience, if it remains, tells him: “You are to blame,” but it hurts to accept the correctness of these words. It is much easier to blame your wife for your sins. Some reach the point of absurdity, remembering that twenty years ago, even before marriage, she had a man. Having persuaded himself, the husband begins to show captiousness. The family recedes into the background.
Pickiness is a consequence of repressed, unrealized shame, fear, anger and discouragement. As a critical mindset towards close people and everything that happens, pickiness does not want to admit its imperfection. For example, to be ashamed means to admit one's imperfection, whether it be appearance, personality traits, or state of mind. You need to be objective and convince yourself that all people are imperfect. The meaning of our existence on Earth lies precisely in the development of our mind, in self-consciousness. If I have a long nose, only a narrow-minded, unreasonable person can peck at this circumstance. Is it worth it to get upset, ashamed and, as a result, vent your bad mood in the form of nitpicking on loved ones. A reasonable person will be interested in my inner world, and a superficial snob will be interested in my nose and other external tinsel. As soon as a person looks into himself, discovers these four negative emotions, realizes that they are the result of previously committed unworthy, ignoble deeds that disturb the conscience, poison them, and a miracle will happen - the dragon of captiousness, deprived of feeding, will die from exhaustion.
Why does he do this? What should a woman do with such a man?
Many women talk about modern world there are practically no real men left. Of course, they exaggerate, because there are many men, both real and fake. However, there is some truth in their words.
It lies in the fact that more and more often the representatives of the stronger sex forget about their role and begin to behave like capricious children or infantile ladies. A man finds fault with his woman for various trifles, requires a lot of attention.
You can see how in many families and couples men are always unhappy with their women. Often men directly humiliate their women by expressing their dissatisfaction with their appearance, manners or behavior.
Even an ideal woman, an excellent hostess and an exemplary mother can become an object of nit-picking. It is important to understand and remember here: it's not about you and your behavior.
A picky and selfish spouse resembles an eternally dissatisfied girlfriend rather than a representative of the stronger sex. A real male act is to support, love and provide a woman with what she lacks, and not constantly find fault with her shortcomings and reproach her.
Anything can become a reason for nagging a negligent representative of the stronger sex: the appearance of the spouse, her behavior with him and in public, the way she does household chores or raises children.
The man’s statement becomes quite shocking that if a woman needs something, she must earn money herself: “So, earn money to buy an apartment!”, “Get money to buy yourself fashionable clothes”, etc.
Not only is your man nagging, dissatisfied and naughty, as Small child, so he also hints that you will decide all your family financial issues yourself (and, perhaps, even help him with money if he asks you about it).
A real man does not take away, but, on the contrary, gives to a woman what he has to give and what she needs.
It is important to understand that if the other half constantly finds fault, it's not about you, your behavior or actions. All these are just reasons for expressing negativity and displaying passive-aggressive behavior. What are the reasons why men pick on women? There may be several of them:
All the reasons that a man finds fault all the time are rather unpleasant and do not carry anything positive for a woman in a couple.
Picky men, as a rule, consider their behavior to be the norm, and in case of doubt, they seek support from their own kind: from the same friends or on Internet forums.
Psychologist Marina Morozova
“My husband is a sweet and pleasant person, charming
and kind with everyone ... except me and the children, - said
me Svetlana K.
It looks like two people live in it.
With strangers, neighbors, colleagues,
friends, he is polite and friendly, affable
and responsive. And he comes home and turns into
its opposite.
He becomes critical, rude, touchy, to everything
picks on even for no reason. We only hear
from him that constant reproaches and remarks,
claims, everything is wrong and everything is wrong.
Why does a benevolent, polite person suddenly turn into a domestic tyrant at home, find fault with everything for no reason, criticize everyone, and be dissatisfied with everything? Is he really so duplicitous that he “wears a kind and friendly mask” at work for years?
Moreover, this happens not only with men, but also with women.
A nice woman, responsible, non-confrontational, calm employee, behaves like a Cerberus at home. Why?
By the way, such metamorphoses: captiousness, criticality and exactingness of one of the spouses - become the cause of half of the divorces.
The main danger for the family lies in the excessive desire to criticize.
I have a couple in attendance. The husband brought his wife to a psychologist to sort out the relationship, as he can no longer tolerate her nit-picking and reproaches.
A beautiful and sweet woman for a consultation did not say a single good word towards her husband. She listed a bunch of his shortcomings and did not remember a single plus, accused him of ruining her life, "wearing her to the end" and constantly regretted that she married him, although she married him out of great love.
What happens in such relationships?
Why does the wife constantly find fault with no reason and criticize?
After all, once she saw in her husband only good and kind.
Reasons why a husband or wife started
suddenly find fault
It is no secret that in most marital relationships there is emotional intimacy, understanding and trust, which gives both a man and a woman a feeling of warmth and spiritual comfort.
In a family, a person can be himself, live without masks and roles, not build or imagine anything from himself. It is no longer necessary to win a partner, try to please him. In an atmosphere of acceptance, a person completely relaxes and gains a pleasant feeling of psychological security.
But for some people who are psychologically dependent on their parents and take a childish position in relationships, emotional intimacy and openness in marital relations does not cause a sense of security, but, on the contrary, a feeling of spiritual insecurity and anxiety.
And because of this, gradually (not in one day), but somewhere in a year or several years of family life, his negative childhood traits are amplified- touchiness, vulnerability, capriciousness, exaggeration of the spouse's shortcomings, dissatisfaction, maximalism. He wants everything at once. He childishly evaluates the qualities and actions of a partner, divides them into good and bad.
ADULT CHILD
Before the beginning life together a man or
women had certain expectations from a partner,
and if expectations are not realized directly all at once,
then there is dissatisfaction with the relationship.
An adult understands that it is impossible to get
all at once, that there are no only bad or only
good qualities of character that a partner cannot be
ideal, and he himself is not ideal, and does not expect ideal
relationships, ideal actions.
And the “adult child” does not understand this.
"Pink glasses" were asleep, and now such a woman or man evaluates all the actions and qualities of a partner with a minus sign. Growing hostility, anger, dissatisfaction with a partner, intolerance. Husband or wife constantly criticizes and finds fault for no reason.
Criticism of a husband can manifest itself in the form of ridicule, irony, "hairpins", sarcasm.
“I was joking. Don't you understand jokes?" But these are not jokes. This is criticism disguised as humor.
And it is always destructive to relationships.
There is a regression- when, in a situation of anxiety, a person, as it were, “descends” to a less adult level of behavior, to the position of a child, becomes more infantile.
This position is manifested only in the family; at work, the same person can hold an adult position.
The main reason why a husband or wife find fault
for nothing or no reason - regression.
In a family, a picky husband or wife seems to himself a victim, a martyr and almost a saint, who is forced to endure an unworthy person.
And, of course, he or she complains to his parents about his spouse, tells all the details about his family life, exaggerating the partner’s shortcomings, focusing on the terrible behavior of the husband (wife) and on his ideal. The parent's heart bleeds, and they defend their child. Their attitude towards son-in-law or daughter-in-law is deteriorating.
And why does a husband or wife complain to their parents about a “bad” husband or wife?
Of course, so that he, the poor thing, would be pitied, sympathized, and taken to his side. Yes, and the partner is appointed the culprit for the deterioration of relations.
Responsibility is 100% shifted to his shoulders.
Such people with any partner will find themselves in a similar situation, since the problem is hidden in themselves. Sooner or later, they will change their good attitude towards their spouse for the opposite and make their own family life unbearable.
This psychological mechanism operates in all disintegrating families, to a greater or lesser extent.
Why did the husband (wife) regress? And how can this be avoided or corrected?
REASONS FOR THE REGRESSION
But not everyone is prone to regression.
Why does regression appear in someone, but not in someone else?
The answer is simple: everything originates in the parental family.
The tendency to regress is laid down in childhood.
If there was no emotional intimacy and openness in the parental family, it was accepted critically and negatively, condemning others and focusing on one's superiority over other people, then the person will transfer this model to his family.
In such a family, parents do not teach the child such qualities as acceptance of another person and the world as they are, mercy, tolerance and generosity, but, on the contrary, reinforce condemnation and negativism.
Parents encourage resentment, capriciousness, infantilism, lack of independence in the child, allow him to behave like a little tyrant or "navel of the earth." It is important for them that the child is completely dependent on them and forever remains an "eternal child".
As a result, people grow up who are emotionally dependent on their parents, immature, infantile, with a consumer position. Such "adult children".
Despite their age, they cannot completely psychologically separate (separate) from their parents.
Such people do not know how to build emotionally close, open relationships, as they cause them a feeling of anxiety and psychological insecurity. On the one hand, they want such relationships, on the other hand, they avoid or destroy them.
As you can see, there are very deep psychological reasons why your husband or wife finds fault for no reason.
What to do if a husband or wife finds fault?
How do you deal with nagging and criticism?
How to improve relationships?
If you recognize yourself
if you constantly find fault with your husband,
wife, children with or without reason,
That join my webinar
and stop ruining your relationship.
Break Your Habit of Criticism
everyone and everything
Learn to say the same to others
way.
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Husband finds faultMy husband and I have been married for 5 years. The child is 4 years old. I don't work, I'm pregnant with my second child. The husband is often not satisfied with everything, he finds fault all the time: I cooked it wrong, cleaned the apartment, I bring up my daughter poorly. He believes that other women with three children still manage to do everything and go to work, but it’s hard for me with one. At work almost all day, it comes when I put my daughter to bed.
He likes to be with his friends, drink beer or something stronger, sit in a restaurant. I would like attention from him, I tell him, he asked at least how I feel, and he - I already see it. It seems to me that he believes that since he earns well, then nothing more is required of him. I asked him to help cut my toenails (the tummy is already big), he says, go for a pedicure. Often swears, maybe with a child.
There are no sexual relations now. When I started pestering him, he said that my stomach was already big, that there was a child there, and in general fu-fu-fu. Very rarely touches the tummy, strokes. Sometimes it seems to me that he does not want a child. He wanted a second boy, and we will have another girl. Often rude to me.
I remember the first pregnancy, and now it seems to me that then everything was different, much better and much more care and attention. Then it seemed to me that he wants a child very much. And I remember when we met, everything was different. He was caring and never allowed himself to be rude. Now we haven’t been talking for a week, I understand that it’s easier for me, my husband doesn’t find fault, I’m resting. Sometimes I see how in the antenatal clinic a man gently holds the pregnant woman by the hand, and I already have tears welling up, I feel absolutely without support. We have a 10 year age difference, he is 39, I am 29.
Hello Polina.
When a husband is picky, it can be quite difficult to be patient. In such cases, it is difficult to give general recommendations that would suit everyone, because I know very little about your situation. But as a psychologist, I could help improve relations with my husband if we talk about them in more detail.
In this answer, I will write about my general considerations, and we can talk in more detail if you contact me through the page and come for a consultation, face-to-face or via Skype.
You did not write how you react when your husband finds fault with you, what you say to him in response. From your post, it seems that you can make excuses in response, or that you, too, feel guilty for not doing everything as well as your husband wants. It is very important how you react when your husband does or says something that is unpleasant for you.
I don’t know if you really don’t defend yourself and don’t object to your husband or if you just didn’t write about it. If you do not express your dissatisfaction with the behavior of your husband, then you should learn to talk about what you do not like, otherwise the husband will behave in the way that is convenient for him. If you are afraid of possible conflicts or you do not know how to insist on your desires, then you should overcome these fears and learn to insist, because without this it is difficult to build a comfortable relationship for yourself.
If you can stand up for yourself, then you should understand the essence of your conflicts with your husband. Often it seems to women that a man owes something, owes something else, and they do not take into account that the husband has his own desires and his own discontent. During the time that you are together, his dissatisfaction could also accumulate, and perhaps precisely because you do not meet him halfway in something, he also became more indifferent to your requests and desires.
If you think that this may be the case, then it is worth talking with him about what he does not like in your relationship. It may seem unfair to think about him now when you yourself are having a hard time, but if you can figure out what he doesn't like and can change that, then he too can become more attentive to your needs.
