Signs that it's time to leave the relationship with a loved one and move on
Yes, sometimes it can be very difficult for us to give up a relationship with a loved one, but it happens that only by letting go of them and continuing to move forward can you become stronger, wiser, and, ultimately, happier.
In this article, I've compiled ten signs that it's time to let go and move on:
The one thing you should never let go of, ever, is hope. Remember what you deserve and keep moving forward. Believe - one day all the pieces of the mosaic will fit together. Your life will be filled with happiness and contentment, even if not quite the way you imagined. And then you look back at your life, smile, and ask yourself: “And how did I manage to do all this”?
A series of New Year's holidays. Women dream of spending them together with their man. And men often have their own plans: meeting with friends, family, just being alone, playing paintball or billiards ....
Should we force them to be with us all the time? Or is it still important to give them the opportunity to be without us? This is what I want to talk about today.
In my opinion, the Vedas are right when they say that do not be afraid of parting, be afraid of divorce. And this phrase is not only about the removal and education of a partner. But also about giving each other personal space, which men need even more than women.
If you've read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", then you probably remember the term "man cave". A place where he sometimes goes to recover, put his thoughts and feelings in order, and at the same time remember how he loves his wife. It doesn't always look like a cave. Most often, this is some kind of hobby outside the home or just a place where he likes to be alone. Of course, we are not talking about brothels and casinos. Rather, it will include fishing with friends, his office and workplace, travel to conferences and events, and even a private office in the house where no one is allowed to enter.
When a man has a crisis - and crises of various sizes constantly come to us without knocking - it is important for a man to retire. And think alone.
What do we do most often? Let's be honest? We're trying to get him out of there. From the arms of this cave of his. Motives can be different:
He's bad! I have to help him!
What if he falls out of love with me there?
His friends are a bad influence on him
I need to know what he thinks
And so on. In practice, we persecute a man. Sometimes we just try to lure - very quietly and innocently. Sometimes we break in and make a scandal. Sometimes we gather the public at the entrance to the cave so that everyone tells him that this is not allowed.
There are three types of persecution:
Why is it so unbearable for us to see how a loved one is resting somewhere without us in some strange way? There are several reasons, some of them lie in our nature, and some in our childhood.
And what will happen to a man if he is not allowed to go into this very cave?
In a word, a man who is not released into the cave in time becomes not only “uncomfortable”, but also destructive. He can break out of the blue on his wife or children. After that, guilt will begin to gnaw at him, and only increase the discomfort.
Separation gives love a special taste. The joyful taste of a meeting when both are bored. And again we are ready to see the good in each other. Even if you part only for one day, when your husband goes to work, in the evening you are waiting for his return. Because they are bored.
But sometimes you have to go even further. Recently, my husband went to a week-long training by himself. I got on a plane and flew away for a whole week. And we were left alone with the children, on the farm. We have not parted for so long for a long time, it seems that we have never parted like this at all.
And it turned out that it is so nice to be bored. A man needs and it is important to have personal space and personal time. But with the birth of children, we often forget about it. Because we need help. We become more dependent - and it's very scary - to be alone.
With the birth of children, all our childhood traumas become aggravated. All that we did not live to the end, we accepted and let go. When we are terribly afraid of losing a partner, most likely we are afraid of losing our father (or our mother) in him.
When we begin to demand complete care and guardianship, it is as if we are trying to replace our parents with a spouse. And so it can go on for a long time. It is the birth of a little man that triggers a chain reaction of our ancestral and childhood memory. When he reaches the age at which something difficult happened to us, it becomes difficult for us too.
Therefore, this desire is usually aggravated in us - to be always together - precisely after the appearance of children. We are too vulnerable at this moment to be alone at this moment. But how much do we lose!
In our family, it is accepted that the husband needs to be alone. It probably could happen more often. I did not immediately understand and accepted it. But now, when he says that he wants to go to a cafe alone for a few hours to think, I rejoice. I'm glad he comes back differently. Rested, joyful, loving, bored. And in this case, I and the children will be able to receive much more warmth and love than if this time were not there.
I don't know how I decided to let him go in the summer for a whole week, left in a foreign country without anyone. Sleeping alone was strange. It was even more unusual to get up in the morning and not find my husband in the house. Children constantly remembered and searched for him, because in their life, dad is always there - every morning and every evening.
But I was very happy. I was glad that he would rest from us and from home. Talk to people, learn something. And he will return to us rested and satisfied. And we just also managed to miss him very much.
Now I know how useful it is to let him go not only to the nearest cave, but also to one that is not so close. This should not be abused, but why shouldn't the husband be able to sometimes take a break from family life in a civilized way (I'm talking, for example, about trainings in other countries, conferences, trips to relatives).
Let's talk more about what to do with yourself? How not to go crazy yourself and not to plague him with calls? There are a lot of options (there are generally whole ovs to effectively and joyfully spend this time):
There is a funny story about shopping. When the husband of one girl went on a business trip, she decided to distract herself with shopping. And among other things I bought myself boots. Next. And not very cheap. And in the evening my husband called, and the following conversation took place:
- Honey, I bought boots today!
- Do you already have boots?
- Yes, I have. I just thought that I'd rather buy myself boots and be happy with them than blow your brains out with calls.
In response, the husband laughed and agreed that it really was better.
Indian girls were once prepared for family life by telling this parable:
“In the life of every man, once a month there are special days when he must go to the cave. It is his sacred duty to fight the dragon in this cave. It is very dangerous and risky, but it is the duty of every man.
So when you get married, be prepared for it. Once a month, your husband will go into his cave stressed and come back victorious.
Do not follow him under any circumstances. Because even if you track him down and find this cave, and then try to go inside, this dragon will attack you and burn you with its flames.
The story is metaphorical, because the same dragon is just a manifestation of the worst qualities of a husband that can splash out on the head of an unlucky wife.
Therefore, let's take care of each other and treat our peculiarities and needs with understanding. When you let your husband go to the cave, don't forget to take care of yourself!
Many thanks to John Gray and Ruslan Narushevich for their knowledge about the nature of male distances!
Olga Valyaeva Anna OsnovaLove is a great feeling that inspires and makes people better. But how difficult it is to meet in this life mutual, true love. As a rule, usually one loves, and the second uses it and leaves at the first opportunity. It is difficult to be in the place of the half that is being used. After all, when the first violent love passes, it becomes clear who really loves, and who uses the helplessness of his partner.
Being close to a dear person, hugging a loved one and falling asleep in a hot embrace is the height of bliss. But what to do when you begin to understand that the other half is tormented by the fact that the love has passed, and there is nothing more to keep close to you? The best thing to do in this situation is to let go and forget. It hurts a lot, no one argues. But it really will be better for both.
Just do not decide on this act spontaneously. Ending a relationship is not as easy as it might seem. Think over each step, “scroll” this situation in your head and act.
There are a lot of signs by which it is clear that it is necessary to let go of the departing. Here are just the most important of them:
You catch yourself humiliating yourself in front of your partner, asking for reciprocal feelings.
No wonder they say that all lovers see the world in pink. Maybe not the world, but the object of his adoration, for sure. We do not notice shortcomings, oversights in a partner, and even more so, how he actually relates to you.
But on an intuitive level, everyone is able to understand that something is wrong. Your tender feelings are not answered? Less attention is paid to you and more and more time is your partner trying to spend not with you? It's time to think and take off the rose-colored glasses. Analyze and prepare to strike. Sooner or later it will follow. Just do not beg for love and do not humiliate yourself, then it will be even more offensive.
Intimacy and nothing else.
Don't think it can't be. After all, the feelings of a partner can only be dictated by carnal passion, which you, at first, mistook for love. No one claims that physical intimacy is not important. But this is not the main thing in a relationship. Passion will pass over the years, and people must feel love for each other in order to continue to live together. Where has love gone? Was she?
You trust your loved one too much, but he doesn’t trust you.
In your feeling loving person becomes blind. He trusts his partner with all his problems, shares them, seeks understanding and help. But take a closer look, do they really trust you? Does your loved one tell you about their difficulties and hardships or hides the truth? Besides, does he keep his word to you? Is it necessary to cry into the pillow from resentment when once again you were deceived or did not fulfill this promise? Or just let go and forget?
Sacrifice yourself, and you can't do that.
What keeps a person who does not love you next to you? Of course, the benefit. He's just comfortable around you. In addition, out of a sense of selfishness, an unloving person tries to force you to prove your love for him. That is, every suitable situation, sacrifice yourself. If you see that several times in a row you have to sacrifice your plans, tastes or judgments, then you are definitely being used. Think and observe. But stop sacrificing yourself. Nobody needs this selflessness, and even more so, you.
After analyzing the pros and cons, you have decided that your partner does not love you. So how do you let go of the haunting illusion that you can still fix it? The time will come and it will still have to be done. So let it happen when you are ready for a serious conversation and breakup.
There are only two options for parting with a person who does not love you:
- You yourself decide to take this step and take the initiative in your own hands. It is very difficult, but sometimes, in order not to expose yourself to even more pain, it is better to do just that;
- The day will come when your loved one will simply slam the door and leave, leaving behind the bitterness of resentment.
In any of the options, you will be incredibly hurt and annoying. Misunderstanding of what is happening, bitterness and pain - this is what awaits you after parting. But now we need to think about what to do next. It is necessary to get out of this situation as calmly as possible and inflict the least harm on yourself.
A person who loves deeply, hardly realizes that there is no reciprocal feeling. He grabs the string of his love like a lifeline. It seems to him that if you let go of this "straw", he will drown. Do not imagine feelings for your partner as saving. You have been single up to this point, so now you are not afraid to be alone any longer. Not only did your loved one never save you, so now he will not help you. For what? Because he doesn't need you. Do not think that when he disappears from your life, everything will be covered with darkness. This is wrong! False hopes that you place on a loved one will not come true. Some time after the breakup, you will realize that the world is bright and interesting even when the one you love so much is not around.
Learn to be grateful. After all, by and large, your loved one is not to blame for the fact that he does not have a reciprocal feeling for you. It so happened. Forgive him for not being able to give you happiness and love, for not being able to understand in time that there are no feelings, and do not blame him for anything. Accept that the reasons that prevented you from being loved may never be known. Most likely, he himself cannot name them.
Take a piece of paper and write on it what you are grateful for this person. List all the important moments when you felt like the happiest and most unhappy person in the world. Negative emotions are also an experience that will not let you make mistakes in the future. Our meetings and partings are not accidental, they give us the opportunity to comprehend and learn from our mistakes and mistakes. Just do not be cunning with yourself, sincerely thank your loved one for being in your life.
To restore peace of mind and not do stupid things at the time of parting, try meditating. It is not difficult. You need to know the sequence of actions and tune in to relaxation.
- In order to, you need to stay in the room alone. It is advisable to know that no one will disturb you at this time;
- Turn off the TV, phones and doorbell;
- Sit comfortably in a chair, on a sofa, on the floor and relax;
- Turn on any meditation course you find on the Internet and close your eyes.
Make a boat out of paper and let it go down the river or stream. Think that troubles and misfortunes float away with it, and a fresh current will bring you only joy. Wish the ship a happy voyage and say parting words.
Buy shoes one size down, give them the big name "ADDITION", put them on and don't take them off all day. At the end of the day, when you kick off those terrible shoes, you will realize that life without addiction is much easier.
No matter how the breakup happens, keep yourself in control. Yours won't hurt anyone. Moreover, a person who does not love you will not fall in love even now.
Let's go back to the two scenarios discussed above.
So, you have decided that the person who is next to you does not love you at all, but only uses you. It is difficult to decide on parting on your own, but it is better today than later, when it will be even more painful. Think over the conversation to the smallest detail and the moments that can become key. Let your partner know that you want to have a serious talk with him. Prepare a delicious dinner, set the table beautifully. Let this be another noble gesture on your part. Do not start a conversation over food, find topics that are close and interesting to both of you. Now that you are both calm, you can start talking. Tell me about how good you were together. Explain to the person that you are well aware that he does not love you and that staying together will only be torment. Don't lie and don't take the blame. Never say that you have found another. After all, this deliberate lie will cause a sense of possessiveness in someone who does not love you, which will make him stay with you, and then you will finally get confused in your relationship.
The second option is much more difficult. Usually the partner leaves unexpectedly, sometimes without even warning about his departure. You return home, and there is a note. Or it happens during a scandal, when a loved one, showering you with insults, collects things and runs away into the night forever. The first desire is to run after. After all, he was offended by you. So, you are to blame, and therefore you need to urgently apologize. Stop! Don't rush things. This is another test of whether your significant other loves you or not. If he loves, he will definitely return. And if not, then there is only one way out - to let go once and forget.
Cut off! Everything that was before the moment you closed the door behind your unfulfilled dream. Every adult has experienced this at least once in their life. We fall in love, raise the object of adoration to the skies, and he lowers us to the ground with complete indifference. There are few lucky people in the world who have not experienced a fiasco in love.
Only one thing can be said with certainty - it will be painful and insulting, sleepless nights and a sea of tears await you. Cry, throw out negative emotions and bitter feelings, pour out negativity and calm down. Do not believe anyone who claims that tears are not a cure. First of all, tears are the best release of negative emotions that cannot be kept in oneself. Another thing is that you do not want someone else to see your suffering. Again, outsider. Close people are able to understand your pain and help you survive this misfortune. This pain will accompany you for some more time, but it is necessary to live on. No matter how much it hurts you, do not try to return the departed. If he has feelings for you, he will return, and if you were right and they don’t like you, it’s better to let him go.
December 29, 2013, 14:02The New Year holidays are approaching. Women dream of spending them together with their man. And men often have their own plans. meeting friends, family, just being alone, playing paintball or billiards....
Should we force them to be with us all the time? Or is it still important to give them the opportunity to be without us? This is what I want to talk about today.
In my opinion, the Vedas are right when they say that do not be afraid of parting, be afraid of divorce. And this phrase is not only about the removal and education of a partner. But also about giving each other personal space, which men need even more than women.
If you've read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Werner, you probably remember the term "man's cave". A place where he sometimes goes to recover, put his thoughts and feelings in order, And at the same time remember how he loves his wife.
It doesn't always look like a cave. Most often, this is some kind of hobby outside the home or just a place where he likes to be alone. Of course, we are not talking about brothels and casinos. Rather, it will include fishing with friends, his office and workplace, travel to conferences and events, and even a private office in the house where no one is allowed to enter.
When a man has a crisis - and crises of various sizes constantly come to us without knocking - it is important for a man to retire. And think alone.
What do we do most often? Let's be honest? We're trying to get him out of there. From the arms of this cave of his. Motives can be different:
He's bad! I have to help him!
What if he falls out of love with me there?
His friends are a bad influence on him
I need to know what he thinks
And so on. In practice, we persecute a man. Sometimes we just try to lure - very quietly and innocently. Sometimes we break in and make a scandal. Sometimes we gather the public at the entrance to the cave so that everyone tells him that this is not allowed.
There are three types of persecution:
· Physical. For example: "You're not going anywhere!". Or you can just follow him on his heels, follow him on a fishing trip, surprise him by flying to his conference, or set up a field kitchen at his place of work. Without his consent
Emotional. Since we ourselves are being treated for negative emotions by talking, we are trying to feed our husband with the same pill. "Talk to me! I can see how bad you are! What's happened? Do not be silent!". This not only does not calm the man, it infuriates him.
· Moral. To become such an ideal wife that he would never even think of going somewhere without me. “Well, how can you, I do everything for you, and you! This is unfair! It is not right! I sacrificed everything for you and did not go to the concert. And you!!!"
Why is it so unbearable for us to see how a loved one is resting somewhere without us in some strange way? There are several reasons, some of them lie in our nature, and some in our childhood.
For a woman, intimacy is very important. This is one of our basic needs. And when there is no closeness, it becomes very difficult for us. The problem is that we have decided that close relationships are only possible with a husband. We don't build them with other people. To be more precise, we do not pay enough attention to female friendship. But it is girlfriends who can give us so much intimacy that the mind will calm down for a long time.
We solve problems by talking. And we believe that men are arranged the same way. Therefore, we try to help them, not considering that they are different.
Often we simply do not know what to do when he is not around on the day off. But what about the ritual viewing of the film and a walk before going to bed? With whom to walk?
· Loneliness becomes terrible even when dad left us in childhood. The child does not understand that dad left mom, not him. And all his life he repeats after his mother: "Dad left us both." And then it’s really scary - now he will leave, and what if there will be the same flirtatious thing, like dad was taken away from mom?
If you have already been abandoned by other men, there have been infidelities and painful breakups, the topic of male distance will also become a problem.
· If you were ignored by your parents, then temporary neglect from a loved one will also bring you pain. Just like in childhood. When no one cares about you - what kind of love can there be?
· If you do not have a hobby and an outlet with which to occupy yourself, you will also suffer, but already from not knowing what to do with yourself. Here it is important to remember that it is interesting only with those who are already interested in themselves.
And what will happen to a man if he is not allowed to go into this very cave?
He becomes passive. He lies for a long time, his enthusiasm for work decreases. It’s not that he’s not ready to perform feats, he can’t even go for water. Just no motivation, why? Because the only motivation for men's actions is love for a woman (or God).
He does not feel love for his wife. Because male love is cyclical. To understand how much he loves his wife, he needs to miss her. And this is the best way to renew feelings. A woman has a different mechanism - after all, we are always in contact with our feelings, so everything is quite stable with us. A man needs to remember this. Again and again. At least once a month. To fly on wings, bored, and turn mountains. Remember the mode in which the knights of the past lived. Crusade - on wings to the beloved with prey - then again a crusade to return to her again, exhausted from love.
He becomes irritable and angry. A man who has not been released in time begins to rage. Everything infuriates him, he cannot control himself. In order to master himself again, he needs to collect his thoughts and feelings, to collect himself in a heap. And he can do this only in solitude, in his cave. Sometimes his friends can be in this cave. But this is external. In fact, it is collective loneliness. Have you ever seen real fishermen? They sit far apart and are silent all day. For a woman, this seems like madness, but for men, it seems like a real vacation.
· He can find uncivilized forms of care. Alcohol, drugs, computer games - this is the same escape into the cave, only such withdrawal destroys the personality of a man and family relationships. But if he has no other option, the only thing left is not to completely lose his mind.
In a word, a man who is not released into the cave in time becomes not only “uncomfortable”, but also destructive. He can break out of the blue on his wife or children. After that, guilt will begin to gnaw at him, and only increase the discomfort.
Separation gives love a special taste. The joyful taste of a meeting when both are bored. And again we are ready to see the good in each other. Even if you part only for one day, when your husband goes to work, in the evening you are waiting for his return. Because they are bored.
But sometimes you have to go even further. Recently, my husband went to a week-long training by himself. I got on a plane and flew away for a whole week. And we were left alone with the children, on the farm. We have not parted for so long for a long time, it seems that we have never parted like this at all.
And it turned out that it is so nice to be bored. A man needs and it is important to have personal space and personal time. But with the birth of children, we often forget about it. Because we need help. We become more dependent - and it's very scary - to be alone.
With the birth of children, all our childhood traumas become aggravated. All that we did not live to the end, we accepted and let go. When we are terribly afraid of losing a partner - most likely, we are afraid of losing our father (or our mother) in him.
When we begin to demand full care and guardianship, it is as if we are trying to replace our parents with a spouse. And so it can go on for a long time. It is the birth of a little man that triggers a chain reaction of our ancestral and childhood memory. When he reaches the age at which something difficult happened to us, it becomes difficult for us too.
Therefore, this desire is usually aggravated in us - to be always together - precisely after the appearance of children. We are too vulnerable at this moment to be alone at this moment. But how much do we lose!
In our family, it is accepted that the husband needs to be alone. It probably could happen more often. I did not immediately understand and accepted it. But now, when he says that he wants to go to a cafe alone for a few hours to think, I am happy. I'm glad he comes back differently. Rested, joyful, loving, bored. And in this case, I and the children will be able to receive much more warmth and love than if this time were not there.
I don't know how I decided to let him go in the summer for a whole week, left in a foreign country without anyone. Sleeping alone was strange. It was even more unusual to get up in the morning and not find my husband in the house. Children constantly remembered and searched for him, In their life, because dad is always there - every morning and every evening.
But I was very happy. I was glad that he would rest from us and from home. Talk to people, learn something. And he will return to us rested and satisfied. And we just also managed to miss him very much.
Now I know how useful it is to let him go not only to the nearest cave, but also to one that is not so close. This should not be abused, but why shouldn't the husband be able to sometimes take a break from family life in a civilized way (I'm talking, for example, about trainings in other countries, conferences, trips to relatives).
Let's talk more about what to do with yourself? How not to go crazy yourself and harass him with calls? There are a lot of options (there are generally as many as 85 ways to effectively and joyfully spend this time):
・Read your favorite book
Watch a movie - you can do it alone
Do a general cleaning
・Chat with friends
You can invite a friend to visit for a couple of days (I did exactly that when my husband left for a week for the second time)
Go to a seminar or training
Go to visit parents
Go to a massage or beauty salon
・Participate in a volunteer project
・Take up your hobby
Go to a dance or art class
Arrange shopping
· And so on.
There is a funny story about shopping. When the husband of one girl went on a business trip, she decided to distract herself with shopping. And among other things I bought myself boots. Next. And not very cheap. And in the evening my husband called, and the following conversation took place:
- Honey, I bought boots today!
- Do you already have boots?
- Yes, I have. I just thought that I'd rather buy myself boots and be happy with them than blow your brains out with calls.
In response, the husband laughed and agreed that it really was better.
Indian girls were once prepared for family life by telling this parable:
“In the life of every man, once a month there are special days when he must go to the cave. It is his sacred duty to fight the dragon in this cave. It is very dangerous and risky, but it is the duty of every man.
So when you get married, be prepared for it. Once a month, your husband will go into his cave stressed and come back victorious.
Do not follow him under any circumstances. Because even if you track him down and find this cave, and then try to go inside, this dragon will attack you and burn you with its flames.
The story is metaphorical, because the same dragon is just a manifestation of the worst qualities of a husband that can splash out on the head of an unlucky wife.
Therefore, let's take care of each other and treat our peculiarities and needs with understanding. When you let your husband go to the cave, don't forget to take care of yourself!
