Last time we talked to you about the childhood love that comes to our babies before puberty. Today I propose to discuss teenage love, try to figure out what it is, how to properly respond to the feelings of your child and help him cope with them.
Puberty is such a complex and mysterious stage of development in the life of adolescents. At the age of 12-16, our children experience a strong love, becoming more distracted, apathetic, their mood changes at the speed of sound, academic performance decreases. And it is the parents in this situation who should take on the role of wise mentors in order to help their children survive this difficult time. After all, who knows in advance, what if your teenager met his fate?
You should not take the news of falling in love as a global tragedy and throw tantrums about this with wringing hands, fainting and terrible thoughts like: “Oh, it’s too early for him to fall in love, he should only have studies in his head.” Remember yourself at this age, your experiences, throwing, fear to confess to your parents, horror at the thought that someone else besides you will find out about your feeling. Remembered? And what was it like for you? If you are lucky and your parents have supported you, do the same with your child. And, if in adolescence you were unlucky, and adults only brushed you off, giving you a slap along the way and punishing you (as I did) - you should not do the same. The opinion that “I managed and survived, and, therefore, you can” can be fatal for your child. Unfortunately, the thought of suicide due to unrequited love and misunderstanding with parents visits teenagers quite often, just to brush it aside and not pay attention. If you see that something is wrong with the child, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, frankly.
If the child fell in love, then the time has come.
You will have to come to terms with this - the child has grown. He has grown so much that he is already ready to love and receive love. And if you set limits: it’s too early for you or he (she) is not a couple for you, you will lose the confidence of a teenager. What to do, how to act? Let's turn to psychologists for help, what they will advise.
1. To begin with, you should not elevate yourself above a teenager and crush with your parental authority - this will provoke a desire to act contrary to you.
2. Your child must understand that you are with him, that his problems are your problems, his experiences are your experiences, and that you understand him perfectly.
3. Do not make fun of his feelings - they are too important for teenagers, and your ridicule can hurt him, moving him away from you.
4. Try to choose a calm form of communication so that there is no irritation, mutual aggression - the children are so confused by the feelings that have arisen, and then the closest relatives and friends make scandals.
5. No one excludes the fact that the chosen one or chosen one of your child does not quite correspond to your parental plans - however, it is not for you to choose, in any case, in the most acute period of falling in love, you certainly will not do anything. You should not make fun of his sympathy, speaking unflatteringly and derogatoryly, it is better to find kind, affectionate words - it is easy to lose a child's trust, it is difficult to return.
6. Super-caring parents will immediately try to give a lecture on the topic of early sexual activity, its dangers, diseases and consequences. Of course, sexual education of adolescents is necessary, the main thing is not to overdo it and not provoke excessive interest in that very “forbidden fruit”.
7. To have a clear idea of the object of adoration for your child - invite him to visit. What will it give you? You will personally get acquainted, make your own, objective, opinion about him. And it is better to let them see each other at your home, in front of your eyes, than somewhere along the doorways. Just don't "strangle" the young lovers with excessive guardianship, give them a little freedom of action.
8. Choose a good moment and tell us about your first love, about your experiences, how and how it all ended, what experience you gained.
9. Do not prevent a teenager from making decisions on his own, to consider his object of sympathy better, even if he is disappointed in him - this will be his decision, not yours.
And how to communicate with him, in love?
A teenager in love does not fully understand what is happening to him: hormones are seething, the mood is either up or down, then I love, then I hate. Definitely, he needs your support: you are older, you are more experienced, after all, you have already been through this. And young Romeo and Juliet, who so much want to be adults, are still on the path of gaining experience and your valuable advice, truthful answers to questions, openness and desire to help will be very helpful.
When a child is in love, he wants to be better, look more beautiful and neat. It's time to teach your offspring how to properly arrange things in the closet, how to take care of yourself, a reminder of hygiene will not be superfluous. You can go shopping together and pick up a few new things for the child, beautiful accessories for the girl. In short, take an active part in the transformation of the child. Your offspring will definitely not hear lectures about deteriorating studies, but neat conversations on this topic are still worth holding. Try to convey to him that a quality education is a great start for the future and love in this matter is not a hindrance, but rather a great helper. Help plan the day so that enough time is given to homework.
Of course, it’s easy to give advice and you can write anything you want, but let’s talk honestly with parents. Answer me a question: are you afraid of falling in love with your teenager? Why? What exactly is the source of anxiety? Fear that your child may face unrequited love? What will suffer and do a lot of stupid things in such a state? Or do you personally do not want to worry about this too?
In any case, whatever your answers, remember that this is your child, but not property. And he grows, his problems and difficulties also acquire a more adult character. Whether you like it or not, he's in love. And it is in your power to help him cope with this avalanche of emotions that are still incomprehensible, let the child feel that you are with him, you are there and will always help. Throw your fears, parental jealousy out of your head - they are not your helpers. Our children are worthy of respect, they do not need prohibitions and limits, they need our support and love.
Romeo and Juliet - back side love.
Let's talk a little about bad habits. Above, I have already cited as an example the advice of a psychologist that it is better to personally get to know the object of adoration of your child. And if you notice that something is wrong with the chosen one - do not rush to immediately put him out the door. Better then talk with your teenager and try to find out in more detail who his chosen one is, from which family. The age of 14-16 years is a time of experiments, when yesterday's children try to imitate adults: they try to smoke, get acquainted with alcohol, alas, but also with drugs. And here it is important not to miss the moment when a teenager from being interested becomes addicted.
Sports, all kinds of hobby groups, sections - this is the distraction that will help you protect your teenager from an early acquaintance with adult life. Scolding, punishing, and even more so to beat - it makes no sense. As I wrote above, this can provoke an action “contrary to”. Conversations that are even better supported by relevant literature will be more effective.
Due to misunderstandings with my parents, I started smoking at the age of 13, and by the age of 15 I got acquainted with alcohol. All this was done in spite of parental prohibitions: don't go, don't walk, stay at home and learn your lessons. It is a miracle that with such behavior I did not get into bad company, but finished school decently and was able to enter a university and get a higher education.
The first sexual experience is also acquired at this age: someone learns to kiss, and someone acquires a sexual partner. And here it is worth reminding you that you should start talking with your children about sex education from early childhood, presenting information in accordance with the age of your child. A teenager who knows where and how children come from, what sex is and what the consequences can be is unlikely to want full-fledged intimacy at this age.
Let's summarize.
Love is, of course, always beautiful! This is a feeling that elevates a person, motivating him to do things that were not previously characteristic of him. This is such a set of emotions that cannot be described in one sentence, but without this feeling, human life is not perfect. And when our children fall in love, you should not interfere with them by creating an obstacle course on the way to the object of your sympathy. Help them, so young and inexperienced, teach them to respect their chosen ones, to appreciate, to be sensitive and attentive, caring.
Remember, dear parents, that now you are helping your child learn to love, and how closely and sincerely you take part in his life depends on how he will build relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood.
Love at the age of 17 is something both childish and adult, because guys and girls at this age are just getting ready to become men and women, and at the same time they have minimal life experience.
There is no more mysterious and alluring feeling in a person's life than love. It can knock on our door suddenly or grow and develop for a long time.
Forewarned is forearmed. Love at 17 adolescence often associated with negative factors that lead to further problems with studies, parents, friends.
No, this does not mean at all that at the age of 17 it is “impossible”. Just such an age is successful for the first relationship.
A person's personality develops throughout life. Each period is associated with the action of its social and biological factors that influence the formation of a person's character, his worldview.
According to E. Erickson, 11-20 years is the time of puberty, adolescence and adolescence. During this period, a teenager's self-determination takes place, the formation of plans for the future.
Boys and girls decide main question: who to be and what to do in life? They experiment, play different roles in society.
“First love is not the first and not the last. This is the love in which we most of all invested ourselves, our soul, when we still had a soul, ”A. V. Vampilov
However, we are interested in the following: during this period, there is a clear sexual polarization, i.e. development of sexual self-determination and associated forms of social behavior.
E. Erickson also highlights the abnormal side of personality development at the age of 11-20, when a person cannot focus on his future and often looks into the past.
His worldview and beliefs are mixed up, becoming unconvincing for the individual himself. There is a problem of "self-digging". There is a mixture of forms of sexual behavior in society.
What can influence the formation of personality:
17 years is a transitional age when a guy or a girl is preparing for adulthood. During this period, teenagers begin to ask questions that they have not even thought about before (What is life?
How to live right? How to become happy? What to do to succeed in society? What awaits me in the future? What will my parents say about me at the age of 20-25?).
In general, a person understands himself and his desires, needs, duties, hobbies, beliefs.
From the age of 16, most boys and girls are attracted to the opposite sex. They ask questions about the sexual characteristics of men and women, their physiology, sex.
And yes, sex at 16-18 is normal. The only thing to be aware of is the possible risks.at the age of 17 will leave many memories for life.
Whether they will be good or negative depends on the adolescents themselves and their psychological state. By this age, the person becomes mature enough to "taste" the relationship for the first time.
Even at the age of 17, there may be real love. However, this is rare, and teenagers often confuse this feeling with being in love or passion.
If passion is a drug, then love is healing and creation. This is how the two feelings differ. Being in love is not love either.
This is mania, sympathy for a member of the opposite sex. A teenager wants to spend time together and comfortably, without feeling any responsibilities or problems.
When there is love between teenagers, everything becomes different: people are not only attracted to each other because of their positive qualities.
The guy and the girl also do not pay attention to each other's shortcomings, sometimes finding advantages in them. They do not try to fix something in themselves, and it is not necessary.
Here are specific signs of love that are relevant not only for teenagers, but also for other age categories:
Any relationship begins with a feeling of love. 17 year olds are no exception.
There are several signs by which you can guess the existence of sympathy for a guy or girl:
| A teenager comes home later than usual | He begins to spend his free time not on a computer or books, but on “walking with friends” |
| Long phone calls become commonplace | A teenager can hang on the phone for 30 minutes or even several hours in a row, chatting about anything. |
| Boy or girl start to follow | and with their appearance with greater diligence |
| Contraceptives appear | — |
| Constant changes in the mood of a teenager | Either he is happy (after a successful date) or depressed, crying, walking around with a sad face (unrequited love) |
There are also differences in behavior between boys and girls.
What are the characteristic features of behavior that can give out a teenage girl in love:
Now let's talk about boys. What behavioral features can be seen in the representatives of the stronger sex:
Teenagers are always interested in something new, and relationships are no exception. They can affect a guy or a girl in different ways, and this can often be seen.
Video: my first love at 17 - experience and conclusions
Every teenager should always remember that relationships are not only pleasure in the company of their soulmate, but also responsibility.
Therefore, true first love at such an early age is not common and is typical only for mature persons, not only physically, but also spiritually.
First love. From 12 to 16 years Girls 12-14 years old - a mixture of chemical elements, a storm of feelings and emotions. If you fell in love, then for the rest of your life - with the best, the most unusual, the most beautiful. And it doesn’t matter to her that the chosen one is most often older, that he is a famous actor or singer. You can be friends with peers, but you must definitely love an older young man, and so that everyone loves him, and he only loves her alone. She had already come up with a plan to get to know him, how did they start dating writes poetry at night and cries softly. And then, just as lightning fast, the object of love is replaced by another, either just as distant and inaccessible, or one who is closer.
At this age, you want a fairy tale, so that everything is like in a beautiful movie or a book - and you can’t deviate from the script. A teenage girl might be glad to pay attention to her peer, but only he does not notice her, because he has not grown up yet. The boy is still unaware that it is time to think about love seriously and for a long time. He has a lot of his interests - sports, computer games , study, self-expression in the company of peers. But if it happens that a teenage boy is imbued with love for a girl, then she does not always reciprocate. At the same time, the young lady is ready to accept the courtship of the "prince", but she definitely needs the moral support of either her parents or her girlfriend. And even better, parents and girlfriends.
Boys see and understand that girls pay attention to older guys. In conditions of fierce competition, they either begin to develop their strengths, or go into a vivid demonstration of their "cool", often antisocial behavior. Start smoking , drinking alcohol , slander, become rude in communication. Girls often do the same to please older guys. At this age, the moral help of parents or other emotionally significant adults is needed more than ever. With the help of your own examples, works of art, personal life experience, explain, show the child normal relationship between a man and a woman . Feel free to explain all aspects of a romantic relationship to him, including sexual ones. This is especially true if you have a daughter. After all, it is the girls who are not yet fully aware of all the changes in their figure that flirt and flirt with young people, enjoying the attention they receive.
Teenagers often express their feelings in poetry
Yaroslava Zarosilova
educational psychologist
"I know you will fall out of love someday.
Most likely I will love another, but know!
You will always be in my heart"
How many of these poems are hidden in the phones, diaries and laptops of young ladies, how many of these sad poems will still be written and rewritten old ones. Every girl wants to be a princess and find a prince, every prince is looking for a princess. That's just the age they were lost ...
At the age of 15-16, the emotional and moral development between boys and girls is practically equalized. Romantic relationships that arise at this age are already more deliberate and not as fleeting as before. If literally a year or two ago the object of passion could change several times a month, now everything is stable and constant.
When there is no reciprocity, a teenager in love looks for the reason either in himself or in the environment. The child may withdraw into himself go into depression. The main thing is to always be with him, talk, discuss and not let him close. You can involve him in sports or art hobbies so that the teenager can properly work out the romantic feeling and get the most out of it.
Explain to your child that love is a priori mutual! The fact that he is experiencing a strong love is wonderful, he is now familiar with such a feeling. Show him that many famous works of art were written during the time of falling in love. Perhaps your child will begin to write poetry, paintings, music. The main thing is to direct all emotional power in a creative direction, and you will see that very soon your child will no longer experience the bitterness of disappointment or rejection.
If your child has fallen in love - in no case do not give any assessments to his or her chosen one, observe neutrality. Remember, the more you show your displeasure, the more the child will provoke you to do so.
Be for him a friend, adviser, protector, reliable rear. Perhaps your child's first love will be the only one for life. Let these feelings live!
A funny picture with statistics has been circulating on the Internet for a long time: why do women fall in love? The percentages in it are distributed in this way: 61% cannot live without unnecessary problems, 13% peck at money, 11% did not listen to their mother, 9% love animals, 6% are just fools. This is a joke, but, as always, with a grain of truth. Only these statistics do not take into account the age of a woman, depending on which her attitude towards men and towards love changes. We will try to understand the psychology of female love at different stages of life, but not in jest, but seriously.
It may not necessarily be 15 years old, but also 14, maybe love at 16, and 17, and 19 - the time of youth and the time of first love. At this age, we have the most controversial and chaotic attitude towards men. On the one hand, the bar for a potential boyfriend is raised to the skies, on the other hand, cloudiness in the brain and soul, as well as a complete lack of experience, does not allow one to correctly judge men, evaluate their advantages and disadvantages. In youth, we are attracted, first of all, by the picture, appearance, behavior, behind which we see, invent and think out internal qualities - kindness, intelligence, decency. Remember how you had a "selection of applicants" at the age of 15. It probably looked something like this. you walked with best friend down the street, at the parade, with the hairstyles that you just did to each other at home, seeming so grown-up to yourself, but in fact, just like girls, similar to each other and funny. You walked and noted with your eyes every passing male, and especially those whose age was 3-5 years older than you. Because those who are younger are youngsters, and those who are older are old farts. And given that girls at the age of 13-17 are the funniest creatures on the planet, just show them a finger - they will roll up, as soon as another young man slipped past you, an explosion of laughter was immediately heard. The phrases accompanying this explosion could be: "Did you see how he was staring? Fu, how nasty! Crocheted nose! Also a punk to me! Does he even wash? He liked you! Look, he turns around! Ha-ha-ha! Let's run from here!"
This went on until you met HIM. And Pushkin's lines "The soul was waiting ... for someone" and "It's time to come, she fell in love" fully suited you too. Most often, a 15-year-old girl falls in love with a guy who is in front of everyone, handsome or impudent, someone who for various reasons (impudence, sense of humor, parents' money) becomes the center of attention. I experienced it myself when for two years of my youth I was sick like never before in my life, by a man five years older than me. He was the captain of the KVN team. Once I accidentally got into a company where everyone listened, with their mouths open, to his jokes and laughed. And I laughed too, and then I came home and sobbed into the pillow all night. She wrote in diaries, drew her experiences with black ink on paper, woke up and fell asleep thinking about him, took time every day to “accidentally” walk past the kiosk where he usually bought cigarettes, hoping to see him and hear a casual “hello”. He had slightly slanting eyes, a slightly wild look, a feverish blush on his cheeks. He was also rude and drank a lot. And laughed at me. I loved him the way you can only love in your youth - madly and forever.
The age from 20 to 30 years old with a center at 25 is the same age when the main "fateful" decisions in life are usually made. In this time period, as a rule, we meet someone who - for life or only for part of it - becomes our second half.
At the age of 25, a woman already has experience in relationships with men, she has experienced meetings and partings, resentment and forgiveness, several times her ideas about men have been turned upside down and vice versa. She came to the conclusion that handsome men are often selfish, jokers are womanizers, drinkers are professionals, namely drunkards who cannot be cured by love and affection. Now she looks at men differently: she looks closely, carefully questions her acquaintances, is afraid of getting burned, weighs all the pros and cons, and draws parallels with past relationships. And if in youth the external attractiveness of the subject came first, now the inner world of a man, his attitude towards his beloved woman, and, of course, his material wealth, become valuable. After all, he must provide not only for his wife, but also for joint children - all this is constantly kept in mind by a woman around the age of 25.
It takes a 25-year-old girl much less time than a 17-year-old girl to understand: this man is not suitable for her. She knows how this or that life conflict can end, for example, falling in love with a married man, and she will try not to waste several years of her life on a person who will never leave his wife and children. Although even an adult woman sometimes understands this too late.
At this age, you are in the prime of your attractiveness, and therefore quite high requests for a man whom you would like to see as your husband have a very real chance of being crowned with success. In a word, you want a lot and you will get a lot! Although, of course, no one is immune from disappointment.
Love at 16 is different than love at 30. After 30, you become a person with an established character, with the same strengths and weaknesses, habits, needs and established lifestyle. You cannot be remade, you cannot be molded from you, like from plasticine, a different person, you hardly make compromises and almost cannot adapt to other people at all. You are who you are. And you want to be loved by the same perfect man, which you dreamed of at 25 years old. This is where the difficulty lies. That man has been married for a long time. He has obligations, problems, in the end - a wife. He is not up to you. True, sometimes he gets divorced, and then at his disposal the attention of many women much younger than you, ready to become plasticine in his hands. And you are different. You are older. And why are you better than them?
All women over 30 can be divided into two categories: those who lower the bar in relation to men, and those who do not.
The expression "lower the bar" can easily be replaced by "become more tolerant of people." You become more tolerant of men, you can forgive them a lot, for example, rude treatment (“He has so many problems at work!”), A reminder that you are sitting on his neck (“But I really get 5 times less than he!"), sometimes even betrayal ("Anyway, he returned to me. I am a wise woman"). Some women really, with all sincerity, forgive a lot to their men, loving and considering them good people, only tormented by work, deeds and life in general. Other ladies endure and lower the bar just because they feel: their time is running out, there’s no time for intelligibility here, even if there is one, but there is a man in the house. And public opinion, "persuading" them not to wander around and take what's left, plays an important role in this black business.
A woman after 35 with high demands for men should be ready to be left alone. Because her potential rivals have youth, naivete and freshness of feelings that men like so much. But she also has a chance to get what she deserves. And for this you need to constantly work on yourself, improving spiritually and physically. Maintain a slim figure. Dress elegantly, attractively, tastefully, use expensive cosmetics. Treat and cherish, love yourself. Self-fulfilling work. And in your free time, do not sit at home, but attend festive events, make friends, live a full life. And be present where the man of her dreams can be (of course, without having it in mind at all!) And this man will not miss such a woman! Indeed, besides the fact that she is successful, interesting and independent, she is also truly BEAUTIFUL in her 30s. And the beauty of a mature woman is inherently deeper and more attractive than the ephemeral charm of youth.
But now I already hear indignant phrases about why we, women, should try all our lives for men, dress attractively, go to beauty salons, etc.? Please don't rape anyone. Stay in your favorite stretchy jeans and pilled top and don't wash off your chipped nails for at least another week. Nobody is forcing you to change! But then don't dream of smart and successful men who have Suskind's latest novel in the back seat of a luxury car. Because you, with your rich inner world, unfortunately, will certainly never fall into the zone of their attention.
So: love at 16 is fundamentally different from love at 35. In youth, we fall in love with a picture, in youth - with a character, and in maturity - with a man who is really worthy of us. Or we are alone. And we continue to live on. Waiting for love...
