The first problems in the family arise after a year life together. This is due to the fact that it is difficult for two different people to get used to each other and to other people's habits. The romance that accompanies the beginning of a relationship is a thing of the past, it has been replaced by everyday life. It is difficult for both a man and a woman to wean from passionate kisses, carelessness and love. It's good if even after the wedding, the newlyweds try to maintain the spark of passion in the relationship. If life's difficulties, work and everyday life completely absorb lovers, then conflicts are inevitable. The accumulated fatigue from daily duties and monotony will one day spill out. At this point, you need to try to find a compromise, otherwise everything may end.
The next crisis is connected with the appearance of a child in the family. Even if the baby was desired and planned, his birth will somehow change the usual way of life. A man, by nature, cannot treat a child like a woman, because the father and the baby are more socially connected, so the young mother needs to be prepared for the fact that the husband may be afraid of new responsibilities. If a woman takes care of a child alone, then she will not have enough strength for love, especially since no one has canceled household chores. In this regard, the man will feel deeply abandoned and lonely. This will provoke even more detachment and anger. In this case, you can only hope for male pride. Tell your husband that you will take care of the baby, but you trust him only with upbringing and development. Explain this by saying that a real man able to raise a good person, so you are so counting on help.
If the appearance of a child did not destroy the family, then the next time conflicts will arise approximately 6-7 years after the wedding. At this moment, feelings turn into a habit, interest in each other disappears, and sexual life becomes a rare monotony. Often during this period someone starts or. A person strives for a feeling of love, new emotions and self-worth. If love in the family has not gone away, it is necessary to deal with these problems and urgently innovate in relationships: change the situation, go on a romantic trip, pleasantly surprise your loved one with a change in your own image. The most important thing in this case is to return the sharpness of feelings.
The next problem in the family arises with the onset of a midlife crisis in a man. He wants to feel young and attractive. Therefore, your husband may begin to assert himself at the expense of other women. If you do not consider sex from the perspective of infidelity, then just calmly survive this time, the man will soon calm down. But if this is unacceptable for you in your family, then the only thing that will help to avoid this problem is a renewed passion in your couple. But keep in mind that such a period occurs in the life of almost any man, and perhaps you just need to close your eyes to it.
Almost the last problem of a spontaneous nature in the family arises when children grow up and go into adulthood. Parents feel abandoned, unnecessary, the main meaning of their life together disappears. If you do not find common ground and common interests at this moment, there is a high probability that both the husband and wife will begin to seek solace elsewhere.
However, such definitions do not necessarily fit every married couple. There are many people who know how to smooth out conflicts at the stage of their maturation, or perhaps a man and a woman understand each other perfectly. And there are families that are much more often, then people again begin to live together and can continue in this spirit for many years. In any case, be aware of the possible dangers and try to avoid them.
I have been married to my husband for 9 months, the baby is not 2 months old. After the birth of my son, my husband began to ask for fishing leave with colleagues, I let him go, because I understood that for a man the birth of a child is a kind of stress, and it is much more difficult for him to adapt, like me, it is much more difficult for him, I wanted to give him free time for my hobby. One day he went fishing before work, in the evening he didn’t come to spend the night, the phones were turned off. He came in the morning drunk, as he overslept, he said that he was fired, was upset, washed down with friends, asked for forgiveness. There was a long conversation, reconciled. I was looking for a job for a week (or I pretended not to know). At the end of the week I invited a friend, I asked them not to drink vodka, but they couldn’t help but drink, when they met, they drank, ate at the table, talked. I had a conflict with a friend. he began to teach me what kind of mother I should be, I freaked out, was rude to him and went into the room. That friend began to leave and my husband, instead of staying with me, left with him, taking a bottle and told me that he had just gone out for a smoke. I called and said if you drink, I won’t let you go home, he did not react in any way. 2 hours later, a drunk called and asked Pushcha or not. I told him to go to a friend this time he is dearer to himself than his family. After some time, I dialed him, asked where he was and with whom, the husband did not speak with whom he was, he said he was drinking. Then I called again, he was already in someone's apartment, again he said nasty things that I shouldn't care who he was with. I asked questions with whom and where, he simply began to scoff. The conversation did not work, shouting, cursing, he said that I was “no one” to him and call me “no way”. He turned the arrows on me, that I was allegedly hiding something from him (although I am always at home, I take care of our son, my husband only bathes him, there is no help from him in anything!). The next morning he came with his mother, did not leave the room for a day, slept. For 2 days he either left or came and sat in the room, I spoke rudely to him, after the words that “I am nobody”, I could not have done otherwise. he answered me with obscenities and rudeness. One evening, my nerves gave out and when he was about to leave, I ran into him, we had a fight, he left, the next day he came, changed clothes and left (I didn’t take any things except the bag, I demanded to return she didn’t give the keys to the apartment where we lived, she didn’t give it to my grandmother). I tried to talk about the fact that I have no money at all, I need to feed myself and the child, pay for the apartment. He said that he had no money and left. He didn't come again. He does not respond to SMS and calls. Although I am writing on business to come to the child that milk has disappeared, there is nothing to feed him, and so on. Zero emotions. At the same time, he talked with my father, he said that we should talk and not run. My father called him for his birthday with the whole family, he did not come, congratulated only at 8 pm, dad asked to come, we were waiting for him, there would be a conversation took place, but he didn’t come, he said that he needed to see his mother (by the way, lately he’s been on the phone with her all the time, he constantly goes to her alone, he says when I’m not around) His mother doesn’t treat me very warmly. He never calls for a visit, when I came with a huge belly, I didn’t offer to enter, I stood at the door, didn’t even offer a stool, didn’t congratulate me on the birth of a child, they didn’t want to prescribe the baby, but when they found out that I would prescribe my son to my parents, I came, I bought the necessary things, knitted, etc. I wrote to him that this silence is enough, it's time to talk and make some decisions. He ignores. I wrote now that if he doesn’t come to the clinic for 2 months (there are long queues, the child can’t stand it, one walks the other sits in line), then he no longer has a son. I don’t know what to do now. It turns out that they don’t consider me, they neglect my family for the sake of everything, and I’m the last one left. His mother and grandmother protect. The second week has gone without dad.
Happy faces of the young, joyful tears in the eyes of the mother - here it is, a new family. It seems to everyone that now two people, hand in hand, will go through life in complete happiness and harmony. But, alas, according to statistics, more than half of families break up. Married, Orthodox people also get divorced ... After a couple of years, and sometimes even after 10, having already children, they suddenly get divorced. All of a sudden? Or divorce is a natural consequence of an incorrect construction family life? We asked Father Mikhail Nemnonov to give advice to readers on what to do in a difficult family situation.
- Father Michael, tell me, what do you see as the reason why so many marriages break up today? What was different, for example, in the last century?
In our time, many values that were unshakable for a traditional society, for a person of the 19th century and even partly of the 20th century, have ceased to be undeniable. Before the revolution, the family was created once in a lifetime. Many young people entering into marriage remembered the words of the Savior: “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” There have been problems in families before, but there really were fewer divorces. Apparently, there was a sharper sense of responsibility for another spouse, for children, for their actions ... Apparently, what is now called “social skills”, that is, the ability to interact with other people, people were better able to apply at home, in the circle of their loved ones. Of course, the pre-revolutionary family was also strengthened by the fact that one by one and the wife could not feed the children, and it was hard for the husband without a mistress. “Give your soul freedom, it will want more,” says a Russian proverb. And so it happens: often a family exists while the very first feeling of falling in love is hot, and as soon as it passes, the young people say that they did not agree on the characters and are looking for “the love of their life” with another person. Meanwhile, modern family psychology also claims that if a wife tells her husband “if you don’t do this, I’ll divorce you,” the likelihood of divorce increases significantly, and in order to save the family, the very topic of divorce should become taboo. But in our time, this knowledge somehow does not always lead to appropriate behavior. In modern society, there is an opinion that a spouse is something temporary and impermanent, that at any moment you can get a divorce and calmly look for another or another, creating new and new families. One young woman said that, looking at her husband, she often thought: "This is my first husband ...". Being married to a good man, she made plans for the next marriages, and she divorced more than once.
- Even in Soviet books about the family they wrote that families with many children are stronger ...
- There are problems in families with many children. Everything is decided not by the number of children, but by the internal location of the spouses. But "ceteris paribus" large families are really stronger. Children strengthen the family as an additional link, and at the same time they themselves come from the love and responsibility of spouses, like flowers from a good root.
- How to build a family life for two people in order to carry the warmth of the first feeling through the years?
- Empress Alexandra Feodorovna wrote about this: “... The secret of happiness in family life is attention to each other. Husband and wife should constantly give each other signs of the most tender attention and love. The happiness of life is made up of individual minutes, of ... countless small but kind thoughts and sincere feelings. Love also needs its daily bread.” And Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh gives the example of a man whom he once asked: “What color are your wife’s eyes?” And he couldn't answer! And you should...
There are no quarrels in the family...
And not in any family. Therefore, putting up after a quarrel is an indispensable skill in family life. It is better, of course, not to bring to a quarrel, but if it happened, life does not end there. One priest advised so - no matter how they quarrel during the day, no matter what disagreements arise - never leave a quarrel until the morning - always make up before going to bed. Reconcile and ask for forgiveness.
“Suddenly, the relationship cracks. What should a wife do when her husband gets annoyed at everything, criticizes everything and shows with all appearance that she is no longer a joy to him?
Fawning on the part of the wife will only worsen the matter. Reciprocal irritation will not bring any benefit either. There is probably only one way out for the wife - to answer “mad according to his madness”, that is, to make her husband understand that he is wrong, to explain this to him. Show that you still love him and are ready to forgive. This, in my opinion, is the best. After all, if one of the spouses simply “takes out” on the other the “negativity” and irritation that accumulate during his working day, then he himself understands deep down that his wife is not to blame for his difficulties at work and it is unacceptable to act in relation to her . In such a situation, a kind and lovingly spoken word of admonition will certainly help. But if the matter is in the internal crisis of relations, if the husband’s discontent and irritation grows every day, then “ good word understanding" may or may not work. But such cases are usually too complex to be resolved on the basis of "general" advice from a newspaper article.
- Is it true that it is not entirely useful for a family, especially a young one, to communicate with unmarried friends of the wife or with unmarried friends of the husband?
- In my opinion, it is unnecessary to specifically limit such communication. It is itself limited, spontaneously, because two people who have become one family begin a common life - different from the one they lived separately. But, of course, the interests of family friends are becoming closer and clearer, now they have more in common with them. I can tell how it was decided in our family: there was no special restriction with any of the friends, but we still communicated with them more together with my wife than separately. Now that we have five children, we are less free to communicate with our friends, but we still communicate. I have nothing against if the wife visits her friends, but this is rare enough. As for my friends, we also do not see each other often and, as a rule, on business. You understand: children need to go to bed on time and do their homework on time, and frequent trips to visit (or frequent arrivals of guests) do not contribute to this. Yes, and without mom or dad, not all things are done as they should.
- And if the husband begins to actively show signs of attention to the wife's unmarried girlfriend, or if the wife's girlfriend flirts with her husband ...
- If this happens, then it is better for the wife to communicate with her friend in the absence of her husband. And the husband needs to make this woman feel that she is not interesting to him. This can be done in any way possible - better "non-verbally", in sign language, without further ado. I don't think she wants to experience that feeling again and again. Maybe it's better to stop talking to her altogether. Because a woman or a girl who begins to "care" for her friend's husband, thereby ceases to be a friend.
- Father, what should I do if the wife begins to suspect that her husband is unfaithful to her?
- Suspiciousness is also not to be welcomed. If there is a suspicion, one must pray that the Lord will show how everything really is. In time, everything will become clear. Usually it is not such a big mystery that cannot be solved. But only if the husband comes home late - this is not a reason for unconditional accusations. Maybe the wife did not create that emotional climate to which the husband would be in a hurry to return - so he chooses a longer way to the house.
- And if you know for sure about the betrayal?
- When a wife knows for sure that her husband is unfaithful to her, she can forgive him, or maybe divorce him. The betrayal of one of the spouses is a sufficient reason to terminate even a married marriage: it has already broken. A wife is not obliged to forgive an unfaithful husband, but she can forgive him if she wants to. It is up to her to decide what to do next, and we will not decide this for her. But the Church sees a shrine in the family and calls to fight for its preservation to the end.
- If a person forgives, then the marriage is restored?
- It is re-created. But - if the guilty person really repented of what he did, that is, he changed. Sometimes the impetus for this change is a sense of shame. What we do when no one sees us, we perceive in one way, and when it becomes public, we perceive our own actions in a different way. And that publicity—what the wife learned—can really help an unfaithful husband become faithful. If this happened, if she is sure that he has really changed, that everything will be different, you can forgive him.
You can forgive, but it's so hard to forget betrayal! Maybe sincere prayer for the one with whom the spouse cheated will help restore peace in the family?
- It seems to me that the task is not to forget, but to ensure that the shadow of this betrayal does not overshadow the relationship after the guilty party has repented, and the injured party has decided to forgive. It's really hard! Yes, for this you need to pray diligently for the other spouse. But the "third" personality is hardly worth paying much attention to. Pray for her sincerely, and try to think of someone or something else. Otherwise, under the pretext of prayer, the temptation may last.
- Father Michael, there is such a point of view, in particular, father Paisius Svyatogorets, that the family must be preserved at any cost. Father Paisius cites as an example a family where the husband cheated, and the wife introduced his mistress to the children as a good friend of the family, cooked delicious dinners for her. As a result, after 20 years, the husband realized what a good wife he had: the family did not break up and the children retained the most grateful memories of the relationship between their parents.
- In my opinion, this case can only be regarded as an exception. Because not every wife is able to show such generosity and self-control. I repeat, the Church calls for every effort to preserve the family.
The Church insists on the lifelong fidelity of spouses and the indissolubility of Orthodox marriage, based on the words of the Lord Jesus Christ: “What God has joined together, let no man separate… Whoever divorces his wife not for adultery and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6:9). I am extremely worried about the current situation, in which a very significant part of marriages are being dissolved, especially among young people. What is happening is becoming a true tragedy for the individual and the people. The only acceptable grounds for divorce the Lord called adultery, which defiles the sanctity of marriage and destroys the bond of marital fidelity. In 1918, the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church in the “Determination on the reasons for the termination of the marriage union, consecrated by the Church” recognized as such, in addition to adultery and the entry of one of the parties into a new marriage, also the falling away of a spouse from Orthodoxy, unnatural vices, inability to marital cohabitation that occurred before marriage or was the result of intentional self-mutilation, illness with leprosy or syphilis, long-term absence, condemnation to a punishment combined with deprivation of all rights of the state, encroachment on the life or health of a spouse or children, dreaming, pandering, deriving benefits from the indecency of a spouse , incurable severe mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by another. Currently, this list of grounds for dissolution of marriage is supplemented by such reasons as AIDS, medically certified chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, abortion by the wife with her husband's disagreement.
Fundamentals of the social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church
- And if the union has already broken up due to the "efforts" of one half?
- If the family actually broke up, for example, if one of the spouses created a new family, then there is nothing to save. But in order to understand whether the extreme limit has really been reached, beyond which it is already pointless to fight, one should turn to the help of the Church.
- And when there is no talk of treason, people just go to different corners?
- I know one such case among my friends. The saddest thing is that the family is Orthodox. They have two children, and the husband lives with his parents and sometimes visits his family. In this case, divorce, in my opinion, is not necessary. The children still have a father. Another thing is that the relationship is strange. And in the "Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church," among the possible reasons for divorce, the malicious abandonment of one spouse by another is also indicated. Malicious means intentional. He didn’t just go missing, was taken prisoner, or fell ill, or some kind of misfortune happened, but he left his family of his own free will. Then the other spouse has the right to divorce. But is it necessary? I am for saving what can still be saved.
How to build relationships in this case?
- Pray - ask God for reason, how to act and how to behave. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives freely to all and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).
- If a husband begins to behave aggressively, yells at his wife, at his parents, this is reflected in the child ...
- In a similar situation, a woman came with her child to the Monk Lawrence of Chernigov and he blessed her to leave her husband, saying that it was better for two to be saved than for three to die. If the behavior of one of the spouses poses a threat to children, then, of course, it is necessary to part with him. If aggressiveness is dangerous "for the life and health" of the wife and children, then you need to flee. And if not, then you need to be saved by patience and meekness.
What are the consequences of infidelity and divorce? Often one has to observe that in a family built on "someone else's misfortune", there is no happiness of its own, for example, there are no children in a family ...
- At least, an adequate, sane person will feel guilty all his life before the first spouse, whom he cheated on and whom he abandoned.
- In general, can a second marriage be happy? And isn't a second marriage adultery?
- A second marriage can be happy, but ... According to the Gospel, the one who abstains from a second marriage does better. Of course, against the background of abstinence and from "relationships" outside of marriage.
Some mothers left by their husbands and raising young children are in a hurry to remarry in order to quickly find a new husband and father for their child. This is understandable, but there is no need to rush in such a situation either. It is better to understand yourself first, to understand what mistakes were made. Yes, and raising a child should be given enough time. Otherwise, instead of a new “dad”, the baby can get a “polymanic” mother, which is also not very useful for his upbringing. The Church in antiquity after a divorce for a long time, sometimes up to seven years, did not allow the divorced to marry, considering them immature in order to enter into a new marriage. They had to go through a whole school of spiritual education - not education, but education, cultivation, so that they could enter into marriage in a completely different way, as mature people.
Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh
- What if one of the spouses, being Orthodox, churched at the time of the marriage, then abruptly leaves the church? Is it necessary to actively try to bring him back to church life?
- If an adult has left the church, it is impossible to forcefully return him to church life. The main thing is not to leave the Church after him. We are more responsible for ourselves and less for the will of the husband or wife. You need to show your other half that you love her no matter what. But at the same time, hold on to church life yourself.
- And how to convert a spouse? Do you just pray for him?
"Save your soul and thousands around you will be saved." First of all, you need to take care to be faithful to God yourself. If the spouse is an unbeliever, you cannot force him to become a believer. But you can stand in faith yourself. Then, perhaps, the unbelieving spouse, looking at the believer, will himself feel that there is something worthwhile behind his behavior.
— Father, what if there is disagreement between the opinion of the husband and the opinion of the confessor?
- It is necessary to explain to the confessor the reasons for these disagreements. Tell him everything that's going on as accurately, specifically, honestly as possible. Ask for prayers and advice. Listen to what your spiritual father tells you. And then try to put his advice into practice.
- And if in the family the husband and wife have different spiritual fathers and their opinions come into disagreement?
— The question is serious. If the confessor (whether husband or wife) insistently demands the fulfillment of his instructions, but these instructions are not realistic, then you need to think about whether the person is being fed there. The main criterion in choosing a confessor is spiritual benefit. There may be disagreements between confessors. This is completely normal. But if they become insurmountable, if one of the confessors takes a categorical position, he thereby calls into question the possibility of further nourishment from him.
