And in fact, he didn’t go anywhere, but hid around the corner and waits for you to rush after him with a cry of “Darling, come back, why are you doing this to me?” Or don't even come back. Just “For what?!”, or maybe “Well, you are a beast, however!”. Almost no one is able to control himself when a relationship ends abruptly and without explanation. Even if we don't want to continue, we want to talk. Finally. We want to put an end to it, and here it’s not even an ellipsis, it’s just a torn off page with the final. And it will torment us for a long time. A very long time. That is why the sudden disappearance is a great tool for manipulation: you yourself will drive yourself into a frenzy, trying to understand what happened - and that’s it, you can be taken warm. And impose my will on you.
Cowardly men love to wear masks of a “real man” - a brutal, laconic macho who is alien to “female things”. By "female things" he means normal human interaction. Which includes conflicts, yes. Conflicts are absolutely normal, but a coward does not understand this precisely because he is afraid. If a coward considers himself an aesthete, he will sigh picturesquely, roll his eyes and say: “Oh, women's tears are beyond my strength!” If a coward imagines that he is a tough guy, then through his teeth he will throw a contemptuous: “I just didn’t have enough women’s tantrums!” In fact, he's just really scared. He is terribly afraid of conflicts, because he is generally afraid of relationships. He just doesn't know how to be in them. Physically present, emotionally, he sits in a mink, bites his nails and whispers: “No matter what happens, huh?”
Bunny boy. The little kid may be forty years old, but development stopped at the crisis of three years, so he still behaves like that. Have you ever seen how babies tear their hand out of their mother’s palm and, with their noses scowling severely, stomp where they suddenly want to go? Silently, of course, and without explaining anything. Because they don’t know how yet, and they can’t know how, and they shouldn’t - it’s still too early. Here are some comrades who are tightly stuck at this stage of development, and nothing can be done about it, unfortunately. One can only be glad that he is finally gone. Because if you still catch up with him and ask why the hell he did this, you will hear in response: “What's wrong?”
An ugly type, from which none of us is immune, unfortunately. And it is almost impossible to prevent the situation, because the cheaters do not play. They just live like that and get incredible pleasure from it. If you rush to look for your disappeared sweetheart, you may well find that he is not a busy bachelor, but a happy husband and father of three kids, and his name, by the way, is completely different. And by the way, you'll get off easy if you do. Because cheaters rarely use their gift just for fun. Usually they pull money from gullible women at the same time.
Some prefer to use the expression "energy vampire", but it smells too mystical. It seems to us that “ghoul” is a much more capacious word and perfectly reflects the nature of the moral sadist, which, in fact, the ghoul is. He knows that at any moment he can return. He knows he will see you tormented. And, leaving, he is already looking forward to this moment. Om-nom-nom, delicious. Try not to give him that pleasure, okay?
There is no really good and valid reason that could force a person to suddenly break off a relationship. Not just to disappear - there are a lot of reasons for this, unfortunately - but to break. And you have no reason to regret that he did just that. And there is no reason to engage in self-criticism and figure out what exactly you could do wrong. Because it's not about you. It's about him. And to hell with it.
Throughout the year, the husband cheated on our reader while she was raising an infant. While he left and then returned, the wife’s nervous system, as she herself writes, cracked.
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one and understand his motives - in this material.
Losing a loved one is easy, but returning an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not an easy task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to deal with a problem that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed (of course, as far as it is appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to bring good mood, harmony and peace back to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate "My Story" in the subject line of the letter.
I want to tell you my story and understand how to live on.
My husband and I got married in February 2013, and our daughter was born in August. This is the second marriage for my husband, from the first he also has a daughter. We lived well, I don’t remember major quarrels, small ones were forgotten quickly, there were no financial problems: the general money was on the shelf, purchases were planned, repairs were made, there were no complaints.
Since the summer of 2016, my husband has opened his own business, and not in our city, but in Minsk. I was initially wary, I had to weigh a lot, calculate, think it over, he treated it easier - I’ll open it, and everything will work out there. At this point, I was already pregnant with my second planned child.
Financial difficulties began, plus, in search of orders, my husband spent a lot of time at work, that is, there was no permanent schedule, stability disappeared. In October, a son was born, the husband returned late from work, a misunderstanding began. I began to notice that he was chatting with someone on a laptop - I noticed a smile on his face. To my questions about what it is and who it is, he answered - at work.
Then the baby began to cry, I went to him - and so on until the morning. It was not possible to concentrate, fatigue accumulated from sleepless nights, resentment against her husband from the indifference that appeared in him even to the child, from misunderstanding.
My husband began to calmly leave for work, leaving us with an empty refrigerator and no money. If not for my mother, I don’t know how I would get out. To the question “maybe you have someone?” replied that it was just problems at work. I asked him to confess, I said that I would not throw tantrums, everything would just fall into place at once and there would be an explanation for his behavior.
Then it gets worse: in January 2017, the baby and I end up in the hospital, my husband came at the request, if something needed to be brought, and immediately tried to leave, no sympathy, no interest in me and the child. After discharge, there was tension in the house, I could not understand why. My husband became irritated, to some extent aggressive, I tried to restrain myself in front of the children, not to escalate the situation. Gradually, the husband began to return from work after 12 at night, it became a habit and was taken for granted.
I tried three times to file for divorce, but he stopped me. Once he asked to be patient: they say, he will soon figure everything out and there will be more time for his family. This never happened.
My nervous system was bent. No, I didn’t throw tantrums and scandals, in principle there was no time and no one to roll them up, everything came out through tears into the pillow, and those around me didn’t know about my situation. I understood that he was lying to me, but I was already so tired that I did not want to find out anything. And I thought it was below my dignity.
In autumn, my husband left for a month and a half on a business trip to the Russian Federation, taking money without warning ($100).
When he returned, I said that I had filed for divorce. But she didn't do that. There was only one reason for this - children (I always believed that they should grow up in a complete family). Perhaps I attached too much importance to this, I didn’t want the children to have complexes on this basis, they are just starting to live. The pain for them still does not let me go.
And on December 3, my husband appeared at home with a confession that he had been cheating on me for a year, while I raised the baby and did not forget about my eldest daughter. I met his confession calmly, even very much, it turned out that everything was happening nearby, in our city, that she was divorced, without children, 37 years old, he was 38 (I'm 34).
He cried, said that he wanted everything to be as before, that he could no longer see my tears, that he missed the children, he would do everything to regain my trust.
On the one hand, clarity came, which I lacked for a whole year, on the other hand, there was a wild pain from betrayal, I never thought that I would find myself in such a situation, probably no one thinks.
Resentment for everything that I had to endure, misunderstanding, how is it possible: how can you turn away from children, how can you lie like that ?! He calmed down. Tired of everything and thinking about the children, I immediately said, without taking time to think, that we would try to start from the beginning - just for the sake of the children.
On the same evening, he went to her, saying that he would put all the dots and break completely.
And the first week we lived the way I always wanted - interest in children, late arrivals, joint evenings, shopping, some plans for the future.
But then a week passed, and Monday came - the situation repeated itself. Again unanswered calls, again arrival at night. We quarreled, I again saw in the eyes of some impudence and mockery.
On New Year's Eve, he practically did not appear at home. On December 31, he met with us, but I caught his strange, thoughtful looks ... And on January 1, he said goodbye to us and left. Now we live separately, it is clear where. I filed for divorce. When asked why he didn’t say everything at once, why he had to return to the family and tie the children to himself, so that later he would leave them anyway, he answered that he was a fool, but he didn’t leave the children and would see them.
To be honest, as soon as the door closed behind him, there was some kind of relief. Moreover, the daughter reacted to everything calmly. I did not tell her the whole truth due to her age (4 years), but I explained that dad would rarely appear.
I probably want to get an answer to my question from you: how could you behave like that, what motivated a person, what kind of values does he have inside?
It turns out that before that there was a mask, that this "rotten" was sitting in it? If he has it true love, then usually this feeling ennobles people. It can not force to act so vile and vile.
Let me remind you, this lasted for a year! Or simply a person is not ready for a family and family problems, is unstable in the face of difficulties. His first marriage broke up for the same reason and after about the same period of time, but long before me (6 years before we met).
Twenty eight years old. Beautiful, slender, by no means stupid, adequate behavior. Was not married, no children. Guys, like hell from incense ...
For twenty-eight years, there were practically no serious relationships, I really want them serious, a husband, a family, children. I’m suffering ... I got a job, met a guy, 6 years younger than me - I really liked it, half a year without sex, spit on everything - we slept! After suffering, I wanted to be with him! She left for another city, met another, began to live. Did not work out!
Came back. And here he is again. He begins to write, seek meetings, say how good he was with me, begins to court and seek me. All this lasted half a year. Cinema, cafes, walks. Although, from one correspondence, he honestly said that only banal sex could offer me, and that I would not make plans for it! And so I decided again. Everything happened, passionate sex. And the next day he didn’t answer SMS, doesn’t call, doesn’t write ... I don’t want to believe that with me there can only be banal sex. After all, a whole year has passed since the first meeting, he sought, looked after me, spoke beautiful words, all for what? For sex with me?
Explain to me, please, his behavior.
All the causes of problems that cause suffering to a person lie in himself. It is necessary to change your previous attitude towards the opposite sex, family, sex and life in general. Twenty-eight years for a woman is a time of fragrance. A favorable moment for the transition to a new level of your inner plan, the perception of the world around you, the realization of your destiny, the world of true values. Are you capable of being a wife, mother and lover all rolled into one? If yes, then the law of correspondence will not take long, you only need patience and a desire to build the right relationship. Perhaps excessive aggression and an indefatigable desire to achieve your most cherished goal by hook or by crook frightens and even repels your chosen one. Accept what happened. Don't be angry that things didn't go according to your plan. Thank the divine manifestation for this moment of communication. You wanted and achieved this, for more, until you have the ability (to give free of charge, to be grateful, caring, to have a lot of other female blessings). And besides, your young man is young and not ready for marriage. Here lies the difference in your views on life together and everyone's concern for themselves. A responsible and serious person already has a correct understanding of what is happening. If there is self-doubt (and it seems to be), then there should be time to explore what causes it. In addition, there was an initial installation: "No obligations."
Now I remember a letter from a young man:
“I am looking for answers to my questions. The fact is that I am married, I have a good wife, my two children. I am 23 years old, my wife is 30. Everything was fine.
Then I met a girl on the internet. I left my wife. I began to live alone. I told my wife that I no longer love her, that I have another. The case is headed for divorce.
I never saw the girl with whom I talked on the Internet, only photos and telephone conversations. But there is one but...
When I see my wife, a great longing appears in my soul. When she says she'll find someone else, I'm choked with jealousy. I worry about her very much. I want to return to it, and at the same time I am afraid that this is a fleeting phenomenon.
We lived with her for 6 years. Help, please, to understand. I don't understand what I'm doing anymore."
This is the approach of an honest man, with the imagination of a teenager who married too early and little studied himself, not having enough experience. He needs time. And even if he makes a mistake, it will bear its fruits of experience. He has a right to it. Experiences lead to understanding.
Your situations are similar. Perhaps this is a sample of one of the options for your prospects in terms of building family relationships. And if this near future is indifferent to you, then your partner is trying to prevent or at least temporarily delay the course of formation of such events.
Your attitude to sex is somewhat alarming. Sexual energy is life energy. It is capable of transformation, permeates and fills everything that exists, giving it certain forms. Its free movement is beautiful. But when it is used as a means of bargaining, a monetary equivalent based on the terms of the contract "you - to me, I - to you", then the form of its expression becomes ugly.
By condemning sex, you make it ugly. With this attitude, you should not expect your meetings to resume soon. You yourself deny them, condemning them. There are no prospects for your transformation of sex into love, since the initial condemnation of a natural phenomenon turns it into a poison that threatens the life of another and yourself, and not into life-giving and voluptuous nectar.
Anger, despondency, hatred, anger arising from this become an expression of your sexual energy. And the energy field of such a person begins to take on a menacing shape. Hence the conclusions from the observations: "...they run like hell from incense."
Here you need to be angry with yourself that you are trying to trade in sex to achieve your goals. And sincere anger at your attitude to yourself will help you free yourself from the role of an entrepreneur. Anger and bewilderment are signs that love has not happened yet.
Move in the direction of love. And unfavorable symptoms over time will turn into peace and joy, and later there will be no positive and negative at all. Everything will become a true ocean of feelings.
Fears and discontent will disappear, there will be ground for trust and a desire to be near.
It's still ahead. And you will have to put more energy into love. Do not analyze the behavior of another. Psychoanalysis will not help here. Dedicate yourself to love. Let it not be for you just a beautiful word and fantasy. And it will become a holiday, without any plans for the future.
You need to either accept the situation as it is at the moment and work hard to achieve what you want or, if you are not satisfied, leave it and continue your search.
E There are people who are able to quickly make judgments about certain situations, about people and their actions, without understanding what is happening. But sometimes they themselves cannot even analyze their thoughts or actions. This story is about a man who pushed his wife away in order to save himself. Probably, many immediately thought about how bad he is. Do not rush to judge! Read and you will understand that there is nothing unambiguously correct.
One teacher told a story to the children about a cruise ship that was wrecked at sea. More precisely, about one married couple who were on this ship. They managed to get to the lifeboat, but there was only room for one person.
At that moment, the man jumped into the boat himself, and his wife remained on the sinking ship. She shouted something after him, and he was already sailing away.
What do you think she yelled at him?
95% of people will say: “I hate you!”, “How blind I was!” and something like that.
The teacher asked the same question to the students. And only one of them answered differently.
He replied, "Master, I believe she was screaming, Take care of our child!"
Surprised, the teacher asked, "Have you heard this story?"
The boy shook his head and said, "No, but that's what my mother told my father before she died of an illness."
The teacher said: “The answer is correct. The cruise ship sank. The man returned home, raised his daughter alone. And a few years after his death, their daughter found his diary. It turned out that when the parents boarded the cruise ship, the mother had already been diagnosed with an incurable disease. At a critical moment, the father accepted this one chance for survival. He wrote in his diary: "I would like to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter I could not allow it ...".
The students were silent when the teacher finished the story. The moral is simple: do not make hasty decisions about something or someone, because good and evil are not so unambiguous, they can be difficult to recognize.
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