In a relationship, a situation often arises where the partner’s further intentions are not clear. When a partner says one thing, but for some reason it pulls with the transition to a serious relationship. Let's look at some examples of such situations. (A partner refers to both a man and a woman.)
A very important question at the beginning of a relationship is whether my partner loves me? The answer to this question depends on the future planning of life). Do I need a person or not? There is a saying, "You can't force yourself to be nice." Therefore, if the chosen one (tsy) does not have reciprocal feelings, is it worth wasting your time to achieve this? Of course, it’s not always love at first sight and it takes time to get to know a person better, then feelings for him appear, but if enough time has passed and feelings haven’t appeared, then most likely they won’t appear.
But sometimes there is no clear answer to this question, it seems that the partner loves, but it seems that he does not. And then such a suspended state sets in, when it is not clear whether to continue the relationship, or to leave. If you find yourself in such a state and cannot independently understand the situation, you can turn to a psychologist for help.
Relationships can be divided into stages. The first stage is the stage of acquaintance and courtship, the so-called candy-bouquet period. Usually this stage is the happiest and most carefree in a relationship, partners fly on the wings of love. The next stage in a relationship is living together and living together. As a rule, if none of the partners is against it, then this stage comes on its own as a logical continuation of the relationship after the candy-bouquet period. But sometimes that doesn't happen. For some reason, one of the partners does not agree to live together, but is not going to leave either. And again, such a suspended situation can last quite a long time and it is not clear how it will all end. Again, it can be very difficult to figure out on your own in such a situation and in the desires of a partner.
The next logical step in relations is their legalization, i.e. wedding. And in the transition to this stage, too, difficulties may arise. Most often, a man does not want to go to this stage, but there are situations when resistance arises in a woman. It seems that the couple has known each other for a long time and has experience life together and weddings don't happen. In such situations, it is often not clear why the partner has resistance. And the partner cannot (or does not want to) clearly answer this question. Again, in this case, the help of a psychologist will help to figure out why the partner has resistance to creating a serious relationship.
Sometimes, of course, people do not play a wedding, but they consider their relationship as serious, there is a great common life, and plans for children. In this case, there is no problem in the absence of a wedding, because a wedding is just a formality - an official confirmation of the seriousness of the relationship)
These are the possible problems that can arise in a relationship. In addition, a lot of confusion and uncertainty arises in love triangles. Let's consider the most typical case.
A very common problem in a love triangle is when a man promises to divorce his wife and marry his mistress, but still doesn't do it. The lover girl is then in limbo and does not understand what she should do next, continue to wait for the man to decide to take such a step or abandon such a relationship? It is extremely difficult to assess your own chances of success in such a situation. According to statistics, only one man out of six leaves his wife for his mistress, and almost everyone promises to leave). Therefore, it is very important to predict your chances of success as early as possible.
All of the above examples relate to a situation where you need to predict the behavior of a partner in order to assess your chances for a serious relationship. It is extremely difficult to make a good forecast while inside a relationship, because feelings overwhelm and make it difficult to objectively look at the situation. Therefore, we recommend that you contact our specialist in problems of this kind. A professional view from the outside will help you clearly see the problem, understand its causes and assess your chances of success!
Hi all. I want to hear opinions from the outside, because she herself is no longer able to understand herself and her life. We have been living with a guy for 6 years together, not married. Not married, because The guy says all the time: then, then. Either you need to get on your feet, then you need to work at least a year at work, then you need to start getting a bigger salary. He promised to get married this summer. I don't hope anymore, and I don't know if I want it or not. By nature, he is closed, but he starts up easily. When we first started dating, we had a lot in common, in particular, we both loved to learn something new (read, study, study). Over these 6 years, we have become not only as a guy and a girl, but also as best friends . Both are introverts, there are no friends like current ones, only acquaintances. He works, he will never deceive, if necessary he will help, he will not refuse. At one time he dropped out of school, and did not return to her. From time to time he had impulses. I have always supported him in everything, helped him. Since I always believed that everything should be achieved together. I used to think that our relationship was forever, but now... I don't know. He has changed a lot lately. He is kind of categorical about everything. He works in a factory where you can't work for a long time, especially with his health. And there is no way out, because he is uneducated. I and his parents tell him, let's do it, at least some education is needed, because anything happens in life. And he: I don't want to be a nerd. It seems to be 26 years old, and he is thrown from one extreme to another. I ask why you got it so that if you study, you will definitely be a nerd. To which he replies: I will ruin my health at this study, and I don’t like to study. Although just two months ago, he had such a desire to go to study, he sat studying. I just don't understand what he wants. Either he wants it or he doesn't. I always knew what I want from life, and living with him, I already got confused myself. Now he hit this box with his head, after work he goes to training three times a week, he comes at 11 o'clock. Every evening he goes to the stadium and practices until the evening. Basically, I don't mind! Let him if he wants. But he was so carried away by it that he simply does not see other goals in life. For example, our apartment is being renovated. My mother helps us with him, or rather how she helps: we do everything ourselves with her ... Having left, she said, at least tear off the wallpaper, I will come and paint the walls. As a result: nothing has been done. To do everything myself - I don’t know ... I think that we should both do everything. By the way, we live in my apartment. That is, he does not care that the printus are not nailed, that the socket is not made. He needs to be repeated many times, and more importantly, so as not to offend. And then in two weeks he will do it. To be honest, I'm tired. I understand that he works and gets tired at work. But I also work! And I have time to clean up and cook food. Yes, I don't always get it. Of course, his work and mine cannot be compared, it is easier for me, but nevertheless. After work, he gives all his strength to these trainings. As a man around the house, he does nothing ... Even when they put the countertop in the kitchen, I myself had to seal everything with sealant ... In principle, if you talk to him calmly, ask him to start helping, he will agree and say: of course, beloved. But that's all. To be honest, I don’t know, but will it be the same in the future? All the strength for these workouts. And I alone decide everything. He tells me that you are working at your favorite job, but I am not, and, they say, boxing is my hobby, since childhood I wanted to become a boxer, but my parents allegedly destroyed his dream. Here is another of his shortcomings - it is to blame everyone. He has very cool parents (this is one of the reasons why I don’t want to part with him, although I understand that I don’t live with them, but with a guy). He says they sent him to the wrong place to study. Allegedly, he was simply brainwashed, driven into his head that he needed to go to study for a technical specialty. Although he submitted documents to the university himself, and his parents are to blame ... To the fact that he says that he does not like his job, I answer him: go while your age allows you to unlearn, and get a job. And he: they get little with the tower ... In short, he stands his ground. I understand that I am not his mother to advise and guide. But we kind of planned to start a family! And here you are... Work, boxing, work boxing. Yes, in principle, that’s all for me - it doesn’t matter if he has a tower or not, I don’t really look at the salary, but the point is that this boxing is so stuck in his head that he doesn’t see further than him. Comes home from work, and immediately watch a video on YouTube about boxing, and on the trail. a day for training ... We don’t go anywhere, because there’s stupidly no money. On vacation, I myself took tickets to us back and forth, he didn’t care where I would get the money for tickets (I saved them up). Basically, he doesn't do anything. He says that if a guy is born, then we will give him to martial arts so that he does not grow up like a mattress, otherwise they will suddenly offend him so that he can stand up for himself. In principle, I agree, but knowing my boyfriend, I feel that in the future the child will also see nothing but boxing ... And I thought that I would give the child in English, to some circles. After all, once he was with me 100% agree! There was even such a case, he at work (at work !!!) decided to box with some guy, they say, he also practices boxing. As a result: comes with a black eye. At home, instead of a cozy atmosphere, some kind of negativity is constantly hovering because of this box: everywhere its sports equipment, mouth guard, boxing gloves, helmet, belts ... Tired ... Constantly the sounds of battle from this computer ... Why is that? Although he also has pluses: if necessary, he will wash the dishes, and regret it, and I know for sure that he will never change ... Yesterday they tried to part with him, I sobbed, damn it, and I love him and have already got used to it, over the years I have become the closest person to me. .. Plus, I'm such a person: I don't like parties, hangouts, companies, I'm a very homely girl. And I think that if we part, then I’m unlikely to meet someone ... I’m confused, I don’t want anything anymore. Here we live and live, but what will happen next - I don’t know ... We no longer have common interests. I tell him, make a foreign passport, fly somewhere in the winter, save money, he: yeah, I'll do it. As a result, it’s been doing it for the second month already ... It’s enough ... What do you advise ... Maybe we’re just different ... But it’s very painful to take it and leave it like that ... I can’t roar, at night I stupidly wake up at four in the morning and look to the ceiling...
Question to the psychologist:
Hello!
I am 26 years old. Dated a girl for almost 1.5 years. She is 6 years younger than me. I have big financial problems, debts, loans, but I have my own small business, so to speak, which sometimes brings good money. Before starting a relationship, I was completely immersed in work, I didn’t really rest, I tried to quickly solve all problems and pay off debts, I avoided starting a new relationship, because work and problem solving came first. We met her, started talking, walking, relaxing together. I immediately told her about my financial problems, warned her that I would have to work hard, and in my work both ups and downs were possible, and at any moment very difficult situations could arise, since I had already encountered this more than once. He said this so that she would understand what she was getting into and whether she needed it. She wanted a relationship, accepted the whole situation, said that she loved me and was ready for anything. At first everything was fine, I saw her love for me, she was very jealous of me, took care of me and supported me. I, in turn, tried to do the same for her, to please her and solve problems as soon as possible. About a year later, we started living together. Consumables increased accordingly, but difficulties and decline began in the work. Because of work, we walked a little with her, had little rest, and she is a rather energetic person, and even more so still young, she wants to relax, walk, and I understand her. But lately, the situation has developed in such a way that the business can be said to have collapsed, debts have increased and nothing has been done about it. She always supported me, believed in me, but I saw how this confidence began to disappear from her and more and more distrust grew towards me, which was in principle from the very beginning of the relationship, although I was always faithful to her and as for problems, I always worked and tried for us. Time passed and we began to swear even more often. I myself am such a person, very principled, and if I see that a person does not love me, I will not have the desire to continue something. She wanted to leave a couple of times, although I accepted it for myself as "everything", but realizing what I myself do not give, I tried to discuss everything, talk, decide. We swore mostly when both were in an alcoholic state, but then we talked, understood that we loved each other, everything would be fine and we would not destroy the relationship. I told her that I also couldn’t try to stop her every time if he suddenly decides to leave again. He said that if he wants to leave again, I will not hold. So basically everything worked out. To be honest, lately, relations have been getting worse, a whole bunch of problems have fallen on me. As a result, problems began not only with me, but also with my parents, since I also helped them with money. And here it’s not just helping them, I can’t pay my debts myself, and in a relationship I can’t give what she wants. It was also very hard for me, I did not know what to do, only problems in my head. I myself already had thoughts of parting, thinking that in this way I would not torment her and it would be easier for me to recover in terms of work. And then the moment came when, after resting a little again, after drinking, we began to swear because of some trifles, and it all turned into a big quarrel. On her part, the conversation again turned to ending the relationship, and I decided for myself that this time I need to put an end to it. The next day, I told her that I would come home from work and pick up my things. And so he did, he came, took everything, moved to his parents. But the conversation didn't stop. She continued to write to me, call me, talked about her plans, that she wants to move to another city where she works. For my part, I accepted all this, realizing that everything was already gone and I did not want to communicate. Days went by and I fell into some kind of depression. I began to think that we hadn’t made a mistake, she loved me, she always tried to support me, but everything turned out so that I could not cope with all the difficulties and could not solve anything yet. I began to regret that we broke up, because the reason for this was not betrayal, which would definitely put an end to me, but problems to be solved. After parting, there were unfinished business that connected us. And somehow, when I came to her, I saw how glad she was to see me, she said how bad she felt these days. We talked about relationships, about what we are going to do next. She said that she wanted to try again and try again, and if we communicate, she will not move to another city, but at the same time, she did not want to stop communicating with other guys. This option did not suit me and I told her that all communication should be stopped. After that, she was very offended by me, because of my decision. I was not satisfied with the fact that she did not understand why I decided so, and also made me guilty that I myself pushed her away. Although it’s hard for me to accept the fact that she is no longer mine and communicates with someone. And after discussing all the points again, we came to the conclusion that we will still communicate, but so far more like in free relations with certain conditions. We will communicate with whomever we want, but it will only be virtual communication, so to speak, and nothing more. And if a situation arises that there was something more than communication, we honestly talk to each other about it. I believe her, she has always been faithful to me, and there has never been a lie on her part. We see each other sometimes, spend nights together, but what will happen next, we do not know. On the one hand, we seem to love each other and want a relationship, on the other hand, the situation is such that it is now difficult to resume everything. To come again, but for how long. In general, nothing will change in any way, the problem remains, I have to work, but again, because of this, she lacks attention, we have little rest, and it’s easier for me to tune in to work alone. On the other hand, it is also unclear what such communication will lead to. Indeed, realizing that she is still communicating with someone, someone is trying to take care of her, it hurts me to realize this. She tells me about how and who is trying to care, if I ask. I listen to all this, I realize, and everything inside turns me over. I have not been able to get to work for more than a week, because I am in such a state that I don’t want anything. We are both confused and don't know what to do. When I'm next to her, I'm positive, although I understand that we are not together, and what will happen next is not clear. She generally has thoughts that I see her only because of the bed. I don't know what to do, it's very hard for me. I soothe myself with alcohol and I can not get out of this situation. Everything is stuck at such a stage that we can’t start anything and we can’t finish either. Every day I realize that sooner or later all this will lead to something, but to what, and when ?! On the one hand, I don’t want to torture myself and I already want to stop such communication, put an end to it and start new life, on the other hand, I can’t live without her, and I think that time may pass and something will be decided. Or maybe there is no love anymore, but only affection and some kind of illusion of the future remain? Maybe she doesn’t love me at all, and is just trying to part with friends in this way ?! Everything is so complicated... What to do next? Go with the flow and wait for something, when we decide everything for ourselves?! But it's hard. Quit everything and start a new life?! But, I won't regret it later. I haven’t had such situations yet, the relationship stopped completely, and if I later talked with ex girls, then after a long period, when there were no feelings anymore.
Please give me some advice on how to proceed in this situation.
Hello dear Alex!
I sympathize with you in this difficult situation. And your aspirations to succeed are worthy of respect.
Fluctuate in a relationship is normal, you can converge and diverge as much as necessary to know yourself and each other sufficiently. Sometimes it's only when you find yourself in some circumstances that a decision comes.
I have a feeling that the situation of uncertainty in itself is stressful for you. And apparently, alcohol is a way to relax? It is also an escape from reality. From hard reality. Also, when you take alcohol, you allow yourself certain emotions, your control weakens, and they break out and provoke disagreements. In your case, my recommendation is to master different emotions, learn to relax without alcohol and try to trust your girlfriend.
You need to find the right moment and talk soberly. You will need all your courage to ask questions and be prepared for realistic answers. Find out from her why she is with you, share your fears with her, clarify everything that was not clear. Be respectful and invite her to clarify with you everything that worries her. Having received real answers, you will be able to make a decision according to the circumstances.
Yesterday I spent the whole evening thinking about my assignment. I can’t say what exactly will happen in a year, but I want to suggest the development from parting to a year.
I often go to his house, I feel comfortable and good there. Sometimes, when I sit with him, I think that it will be quite difficult if I do not have the opportunity to be here again. Sometimes I think about the same when we fall asleep. At night, not the most pleasant thoughts about our parting constantly come. In general, all people disperse sooner or later, I think this is inevitable. At first, of course, it will be difficult for me, because I am too used to this way of life: in the evenings, cook dinner, spend time together, chat, have sex. In the morning, a joint breakfast, coffee. I understand perfectly well that most people probably have such a life and with another man I will do the same. I have a daughter. Due to the fact that I am stuck in this relationship, I devote little time to her. I want to spend more time with my young man, I often give my daughter to my grandmother to go to him. When we are not together, I can’t find a place for myself, I think about where he is and with whom, and therefore, again, I can’t distract myself from these thoughts and I devote little time to my daughter, even when we are with her. After parting with my young man, I think that my life, if not better, then no worse for sure. Having survived the breakup, having suffered and experienced a couple of months, I will get on my feet and look at life around. What's stopping me from doing it now? Dependence on him, on his mood, on his desire. Without him, I will become more independent, but I want to get rid of that by staying with him. I cherish the hope that he will invite me and my daughter to live with him, we will be together and I will not need to go to him every time and see him, leave the child to my grandmother. I will pay attention to other men. Now I do not do this, because again I am tied to it. The other day, another man confessed to me that he likes me and is very desirable for him, but it is strange for me that when I woke up in the morning, I felt guilty in front of my young man, as if I had cheated on him. I can't figure out where this feeling comes from. After a breakup, not much will really change. I will also wake up in the morning, take my daughter to kindergarten, go to work. Come home in the evening and cook dinner. Only now it's all without him. Nothing more to say.
When I was still thinking about this essay, last night, I was worried, a couple of times even tears rolled. In the morning, I perceived these thoughts much more calmly. While writing an essay, from time to time, I clenched my hands into fists and unclenched them. She fiddled with her lips, thinking how to write. Hands tremble slightly.
Hello Olga! I decided to contact you, because I was confused not only in relationships but also in myself. I am 38. I lived with my husband for 11 years. Almost always we lived only on what I earned. He constantly lied even in small things. But at the same time, he was a sensitive and caring husband. We didn’t have children for a long time, a long treatment, tears of despair on my part, persuasion from him. He supported me at that moment very much (in moral terms). Then all the same, a miracle happened - our daughter was born. But it turned out that my husband had hepatitis C. Then I supported him. And 4, 5 years ago, serious problems began in our family. As soon as the child was born, my husband began to disappear from home for a long time, although he came to spend the night, but I felt that something was wrong. After some time, my friends and relatives began to call me and talk about how my husband borrowed money from them and does not give it back, then they began to come and call from several banks. To all my questions and tantrums, my husband evaded answers and left. Then he disappeared for a week, called and said that I was not looking for him. At this time, some strange people began to come to us, demanded money, threatened (and my husband was hiding at that time) ... this went on for six months. I still don’t know where he spent the money. I couldn’t stand it and in the end everything was already going to a divorce. At that moment, I met my friend. And simple communication grew into feelings. They began to meet. six months later I divorced and he left his second wife with a small child (although they were not registered). And now, after 3.5 years since we met, he proposed to me. Everything would be fine, but only all this time is mine ex-husband he didn’t leave me alone, he called, looked for meetings, said HOW he loves me, called me to marry again. The second man also says that he loves, although there is no physical help from him. I believe Thu and after the register will be the same. And now I began to doubt ... where should I rush ... The ex-husband, in fact, jeopardized us with the child then. It's hard for me to forget this horror. But I understand that I can’t live with a second man, his 2 children from different women. And also his mother - she does not let anyone near him - she eliminated all of his women. And I seem to suffer the same fate. His relatives do not communicate with me, because. They think that I destroyed his second family. From the first he divorced because his wife began to drink. But on the other hand, he works, is responsible, and most importantly, he does not lie. So now they are simultaneously asking me to marry. I went to a psychologist, she advised me to take a time-out, to understand myself and that maybe someone will not wait and everything will be decided by itself. I did not communicate with them for 3 weeks, I said that I would think about it. But on the designated day, they told me in turn that they could not live without me and that they were moving to live with me. It would be funny if it weren't so sad... Give me advice... where to rush-twice into the same river or start from scratch?
