Everything seems to start innocently - with a fleeting relationship on the side. And then - more: out of love for another woman, new children are born one day. As a result, the man has a second family. It would seem - deal with your feelings, decide. But it happens that he never makes a choice, but continues to live on "two fronts" ...
Everything seems to start innocently - with a fleeting relationship on the side. And then - more: out of love for another woman, new children are born one day. As a result, the man has a second family. It would seem - deal with your feelings, decide. But it happens that he never makes a choice, but continues to live on "two fronts" ...
Polygamy, adrenaline plus a sense of danger
Recently, a famous singer was interviewed. To the question: "Did you have remorse when you cheated on your wife?" he replied, “I don't consider sex cheating. For me, this is the same need as eating, drinking, walking. Wanted - satisfied. Can this be considered typical male logic, or is there something else here?
“The presence of a second, additional partner in many men stimulates potency, activates intimate life with the main partner (wife), - explains the well-known psychotherapist, sexologist Alexander Poleev. - The situation seems, at first glance, paradoxical: a man with one partner cannot function. And if you have two, it works well with both. The new woman revives sensuality. Many men need this, as it is such a relationship that fits their ideal of sexual functioning. Extramarital affairs do not steal intimate life in marriage, but activate it and help men maintain sexual activity until the age of 60-65. Their intimate life exceeds the average in intensity. Unfortunately, this does not bring much joy to their wives - after all, they know that their husband has another woman.
The appearance of a second family and illegitimate children in men is difficult to explain only by frivolity and inability to foresee the consequences of their behavior. After all, in everything else they are quite capable of being cautious and prudent: they do an excellent job with their work, they can be tough and far-sighted in business, etc. Do they suddenly lose the ability to calculate the consequences of their steps in love affairs? The fact is that in the male system of values, polygamy (no matter how it is condemned by public morality) is not considered a sin. On the contrary, there it is considered a dignity and a sign of steepness. In their hearts, men consider her something desirable, something one can only dream of. "If I were a sultan, I would have three wives, and I would be surrounded by triple beauty ...".
Add adrenaline here, a sense of danger from the fact that at any moment everything can open up. There are men who like it. This sharpens their emotions, gives them a sense of fullness of life, a sense of their own importance and significance.
Torturer and victim are one
But what about women? If a wife, despite her husband's numerous promises to break off relations on the side, still continues to live with him, then this means only one thing: she likes this state of affairs, she finds bonuses in him for herself.
“The wives of their cheating husbands tell the same thing,” Alexander Poleev continues. - They say: “At first I thought that he was going to leave me. Then I realized: he is not going to go anywhere and to anyone. I was waiting for it all to end. You ask why I won’t leave him? You know, he really a good husband, always even, calm, friendly, over the years life together He never raised his voice to me, never said a rude word. He tries to earn money for his family, in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here - I wait and endure ... "".
Recall the sensational story that happened in the Schwarzenegger family. The actor was proud of his status wife, who came from an influential family belonging to the elite of the nation. But this did not prevent the “terminator” from starting a relationship with a housekeeper who gave birth to a son from him. The actor talked with the boy, helped him. Maybe you will say: celebrities are a special article, they are public people, often travel, meet new people, fans stick to them, etc. But ordinary people also have similar stories.
One of my friends, for example, had an affair with a married work colleague. There was love, passion, common interests, hobbies. Beloved promised to divorce and marry her. She waited and believed. She gave birth to a daughter. But the beloved did not get divorced, he said: that's when his son finishes school, then ... He came to her and her daughter almost every day, they went on vacation together. For years fed my friend with promises.
All participants in this story lived in constant stress. My friend suffered because the father of her child could not make a decision, his legal wife suffered because her husband had a family on the side. Both women lived with a sense of instability - either falling into depression or flying on the wings of hope.
The worst thing is that sooner or later the child will find out that, it turns out, dad has another family, and this becomes a big blow for him. And it happens that children who grew up in “secondary” families themselves cannot then create a strong happy family. family life, internal trauma gets in the way. The friend of mine described above had the same story: her father had a child on the side. While still a teenager, she found out about this: she accidentally saw letters that opened her eyes to the true state of things. It was a big shock for her. Who would have thought that years would pass, and she would suffer the same fate: the man she fell in love with and from whom she gave birth to a daughter also lived in two families. Or is everything normal?
Why doesn't he make a choice?
Why doesn't a man make decisions? Because he has no incentive. Why would he change something in his life, destroy one or the other family? He is doing well: here and there he will be fed, watered and put to sleep in a warm bed. And here and there loving woman. This gives him sharpness and a variety of sensations, does not allow feelings to cool down. So why would he change anything? There is, of course, another moment. The man really cares about both families, he sincerely does not want to lose anyone. Therefore, he sees no other way out than to maintain his two houses. Now, if one of these women set a strict condition for him and would give him a certain period to realize it, then it would be another matter. And so... No, it won't. But if a woman is firm in her position and no longer agrees to live such a life, then this can force a man to finally make a choice.
By the way, men who live in two families die quite early. Can't take the heart. No wonder: who can endure constant stress and torment for a long time due to the inability to make a final decision? ..
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru
“I live in two families, and I don’t know what to do in such a situation!”, were the first words of my friend.
Living in two families is not part of the myth of male polygamy, but a completely ordinary situation from our real life. This story is one of those that we regularly hear from our acquaintances.
Women who find themselves in a similar situation are familiar with feelings of hopelessness, resentment and fear. And even those who are happy in marriage, probably listened to and reassured their girlfriends more than once, complaining about male infidelity, "inherent in them by mother nature." We are used to blaming a man and his masculine nature in many ways. We lived together for so many years, and the result is another family on the side, albeit not officially registered! But what brings a man to such a situation? What prevents him from making a choice?
There are many reasons. It is difficult to leave your wife, as there are obligations to the family, the fear of losing the location of the children, the fear that the new relationship will lose its charm. And many more doubts of fears that overcome a man facing a choice. The decision in which family to live may not be taken by a man for years. During this time, children grow up, the desire to change the situation fades away, and the habit of living in two houses arises. And it's getting harder and harder to make an unambiguous decision, because there are many "buts". “But” is the eternal companion of each of us, we make a choice every second, we just sometimes don’t notice it, because not all decisions are given to us with difficulty. The decision to drink coffee or tea for breakfast may cause us a moment of confusion, but will be taken in favor of what we really want. In situations of personal relationships, everything is much more complicated.
As a result, we suffer ourselves, torment others, bring situations to a “no way out” and begin to assure ourselves that “there is no justice in this world” or complain about the fate that, like a chronicle, someone wrote before we were born. But we ourselves write the chronicle of our life, and it depends only on us whether this story will be about a happily lived time or about the suffering of several people.
The hero of my story wanted to leave the family and even told his wife about it, but did not dare to talk about it with the child. Do not rush to condemn a man in such a situation! Talking to your own child can be the most difficult step for a man. A man is not only afraid of losing the favor and love of his own children, but he is afraid of destroying his own image of a “good father”, because good dads do not leave their families. But adults sometimes do not understand that their children know or guess about everything that happens in the family, and no less than adults suffer from a situation of uncertainty. According to statistics, 11% of children in families with divorces will divorce themselves in the future, and 8% of children who grew up in intact families.
Agree not too critical difference in percentage?
How to be in such a situation? Is it possible to maintain relationships in both families?
Everything is possible, the only question is the ability to negotiate. I know families where people live in two families for years, without hiding it. But personal happiness in such situations is the exception rather than the rule. Not every woman is ready to share her man with someone else. But everyone is free to choose for himself what he wants and what responsibility he is ready to bear for his own choice.
Each of the participants in the “family drama” needs to decide for himself what I am ready / ready for in such a situation. Do not deceive yourself with empty promises that a man will definitely leave the family because he loves. Yes, maybe he loves and very much, but his own fears do not allow him to leave his wife and children for 5 years now. Do not think that a man will come to his senses and return to the family, and everything will be again, as it was in the first years of marriage. Yes, it might come back, but for how long? Love relationships on the side, I emphasize love RELATIONSHIPS, and not sexual intrigues, are unlikely to be the result of a happy marriage.
It is necessary to understand what we ourselves want and expect from a relationship with a loved one, then muster up the courage and voice our own wishes.
We suffer from the fact that someone does not live up to our expectations. Every time we encounter this, we feel cheated. But who is deceiving us? Are not our own fantasies? Share your own desires with a man, even if he does not make a choice in your favor. Then you will not waste your own precious time on someone who will never give you a harmonious relationship.
Do not judge wives and mistresses, do not judge men who are trying to make a decision: a family or a new marriage. By judging each other, we become hostages of our own emotions, which sometimes do not give us the opportunity to see a way out of this situation.
Trying to clarify the situation for themselves, women often behave too persistently, persuading, demanding, scandal. But the paradox is that such behavior only pushes your loved one away from you, and spoils your attitude towards him.
Do not put pressure on a man, forcing him to make a decision. Give him time. If you are not satisfied that he "thinks for a long time", it is better to take care of your own life in such a situation. Do not turn your inner world into the service of one single "deity" to the man for whom you are "fighting" with your wife or mistress. In any case, you will lose, because the trophy may not be love for you, but the decision that a very tired man made.
The hero of my story made his choice, he left both families. His wife remarried.
It is not bitter to realize this, but in modern society it is not uncommon for a man to live in two families. Of course, polygamy is forbidden in our country, but no one talks about two wives. Usually one wife is official, and the second is civil or, as they say, a mistress. You can sympathize with both. A woman, unlike the representative of the stronger sex, is more prone to monogamy, so it is difficult to bear the understanding that she is not the only one with her beloved. Why do such situations arise, and is there a way out of them?
Psychologists note that dual relationships are characteristic of a morally immature man. Relationships in a couple give a person a special integrity, but life in two families makes him torn between them, which, of course, is exhausting.
What are the reasons for this phenomenon?
One of the main and especially characteristic of our society is the financial security of a man. Most of today's wealthy people have not earned their capital the easy way. They are tired, and then there is the family routine that needs attention. In such a situation, many businessmen are looking for an outlet, and often it is a young “second wife”, and not necessarily a beloved one. Another important fact - with a young beautiful girl the illusion of one's own youth is so easily created, the past years disappear, and with them all the problems. Therefore, a man maintains his common-law wife, often has children from her, and provides for them. At the same time, divorce is not included in his plans, because he loves his official wife in his own way, especially since he has gone through and experienced a lot with her.
However, sometimes a man really truly loves both women, or at least believes in it. He is attached to them, losing one of them is a great tragedy for him. It cannot be said that a person is not tormented by remorse, some even try to break up with one of the women, but in most cases unsuccessfully.
It is not uncommon for women to live quite happily with a husband who is often away from home. Agree, this way there is more time for yourself, for gatherings with girlfriends or other things. In addition, if the husband does not plan to be at home, you do not need to stand at the stove, preparing lunch or dinner.
Such an illusion of well-being, as a rule, persists until the woman finds out about her rival. Some wives fall into a state of shock when they learn that their husband's eternal business trips were not business trips at all. It happens that in the depths of her soul a woman guessed that not everything was in order in the relationship, but she drove bad thoughts away from herself. One day, not at all perfect, she finds out that the man not only has another, but he literally lives with her as with his wife. That's when a calm, harmonious life collapses.
A man lives in two families - this is the very situation when it is impossible to give the only true advice. Many women choose to tolerate their husband's bigamy for years. There can be many explanations for this: both material security, and the fear of depriving a child of a father, and even a common habit. Some continue to love the traitor no matter what.
This situation is fraught with many problems. Constant jealousy, suffering not only exhaust a woman, but can cause various diseases, sometimes very serious. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that all diseases are from nerves.
In addition, having learned who their rival is, some women may decide to take a desperate step. Everyone has heard stories about scandals and even fights of women, sometimes reminiscent of combat battles.
Do not forget about the children, both from the official wife and from the mistress. In any case, the child will suffer, watching the grief of the mother, quarrels between the parents and the constant absence of the father. Good supply, prestigious kindergarten or school, vacations in exotic countries will not help the child compensate for the lack of harmony in the family.
If at least one side suffers in a love triangle, of course, it would be better to end this relationship. It is known that in such cases a man rarely initiates a break with one of the women, so the woman should take the initiative into her own hands. Anyway, sooner or later such a relationship will end, so it might be better if it happens earlier?
We should also mention situations where an ambiguous position suits all sides of the triangle. A wife may know about her husband's mistress, but not particularly worry about this: "she will go crazy - she will settle down." An unofficial wife may be satisfied with the fact that a man provides for her. A man in such a situation will be all the more pleased: two wives and no conflicts between them. Often this situation persists until the death of one of the sides of the triangle. Interestingly, according to statistics, in most cases, it is the man who is the first to die, and often from heart disease. Probably, bigamists still do not live quite calmly. 5 votes)
Oh, these modern customs! It seems that we do not live in a sultanate, where polygamy is allowed, and yet so many oddities can be found in different families! Well, maybe some people are satisfied with living with their husband like in a harem, but what about love, healthy jealousy, how to raise children normally?
Even if a man is a bigamist, and has not gathered all his beloved in one house, then what if he lives in two families? He is the “head of the family” for you, and the rival has a master in the house. What does he allow himself? Or do his women allow him to?
No one is surprised by the fact that, for example, wealthy men have a mistress. For example, a secretary. How many anecdotes and tales on this subject! It seems like a family man, the house is a full bowl, the wife is beautiful, but no, she comes to work, and there his second beloved woman is waiting.
The team at work can know about this and gossip, someone condemns, someone jokes about this topic, but no one is in a state of shock: a standard situation. But in fact, in fact, this man is a bigamist, but it will not even occur to anyone.
But here's the thing:
The day is divided into home and work. In addition to sleep, this man spends the same time with both.
He maintains his wife because it is customary in families, but he will not deprive his mistress either of finances or gifts.
Regular sex can be with one or the other. Tenderness, affectionate words and love in the same way - in half.
And it seems nothing unnatural: in fact, he is a family man. But if we take into account all these three points, then we can still conclude: a mistress is practically the same second wife. Only it is easier for her - there are fewer household chores, if only sometimes a romantic dinner is prepared.
How could you even miss the fact that your husband has another woman? Yes, and not one year they are together just like with you! Plus, they even managed to make a common baby! How?
It is clear that no one canceled the professions associated with endless business trips. But how could it have been for several years not to be interested in where your husband is and what he does? Is he a CIA agent? A fighter of the invisible front? James Bond?
Usually such "incidents" occur in families where the head of the family is not noticed at close range. Going on a business trip? Well, the “duty” fried chicken is on your way. Had arrived? Come on money. There is no passion, conversations at the household level. So the man found a second berth, where he is truly loved and expected.
Why has he still not confessed to his wife about his double life? There may be different reasons:
Everything suits him: in the first family they don’t notice, in the other they endure, why should he twitch?
He was about to confess, but there was no right moment. And then everything became clear.
He was afraid of divorce for some reason: children in the first family, career, relatives will condemn.
Well, since you suddenly found out everything, then life can change dramatically - you file for divorce, and he, perhaps, will breathe a sigh of relief and pack his bags to the one to which he runs on his “business trips”. Alimony for the child will be assigned, and the first family will no longer exist. And in general, this will be the most correct decision.
In this situation, you, of course, want to take revenge. Especially the one who knew everything and fooled you along with your spouse. In the article, you may find the right way for yourself.
But if you look from the other side, what surprised you about what happened? If you didn’t notice your husband much anyway, can you leave everything as it is? How did you live before this? Your ego is just crushed. You just become more hysterical and demanding. It's hard, right? Therefore, it is better to get a divorce in order to make life easier for everyone.
And so it happens: you are tormented by jealousy, you suffer, but you cannot let it go from yourself. And your friends in a conversation with you are twisting at the temple, they say, you fool, file for divorce, what kind of harem has your fool bred?!
Well, not all your friends are "subtle psychologists" to understand you. It’s easier for them - they twisted at the temple, condemned and left, and you continue to suffer. Or maybe not everything is so scary, as you “drew” everything to yourself. Read the article - perhaps your case is there.
Well, if everything is so deplorable, and you yourself know very well that your man often goes to another family, then you can understand somewhere. And let others consider you a fool - you can't live with them.
Your reasons are probably simple:
Fear of being left alone, of losing a man in the house, and there is no way to replace him with another owner.
Love for your husband is so strong that you are ready to close your eyes to his infidelity, just not to lose.
Divorce is a terrible shame for you. That's how you were brought up. And the worst thing is that children will find out about daddy's spree.
How can you calm down? Well, except that you're not the only one. Surprisingly, many women prefer to sob into the pillow than to be completely alone. They hope that the husband will come to his senses, work up and return to the family forever.
This man's decision can last for years. And even for a while it seems that he really changed his mind: he becomes an exemplary family man, settled down, in the evenings and nights at home. But if he did not break off relations on the side, then everything will return to normal. Again his departure, again waiting at the window.
The mistake of such patient women is that they do not prepare the ground for a new relationship, preferring to remain an uncomplaining sheep. But in fact, nothing holds her for a new novel.
But, for some reason, such ladies begin to look for an excuse:
I'm old, fat, ugly, no one will peck at me.
How will the kids see it? They will hate me because I am a walker.
What if I can't do anything? My husband will leave me and I will be left alone.
Let the husband do what he wants: come home, lie down in your bed after a rival, and at the same time you start having an affair with someone. Only seriously, not a light fling. By the way, perhaps your spouse will feel your coldness and changes in behavior, get scared and go over to you back forever. But whether you want to accept it is another question.
Do not build illusions about the integrity of the family if it has already broken up. Some women think this: even though the husband has another woman, and he lives with a rival, it is still she, the wife, who has the right to a man. And what? The children are from him, the stamp in the passport is still there, so everything is fine.
No, honey, this man is not a sack of potatoes on a bill of lading. His soul is already far away - on the other. The seal in the passport is not of great importance now. And he goes to you only because he wants to see his children. "Sunday dad" - have you heard such a phrase?
When you meet a second person, you fall in love and you cannot choose - stop at the second. If you love the first one, you won't even notice the others.
Johnny Depp
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man - and you immediately know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any relationship problems at all.
Who said it's impossible? Of course, you won’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for our website visitors.
The situation when a man practically lives in two families is quite typical for our time. Polygamy is forbidden in our country, therefore it is understood that one wife is legal, and the second is civil. Moreover, both families can have children, and the legal wife, most often, knows about the existence of her husband's second family.
Such a situation, as a rule, brings a lot of trouble to all its participants. A man finds himself between two fires and tries in vain to reconcile his two women with each other, and each of the wives tries to win the man over to her side and is ready for anything to win him back from her rival. Hell pitch, and only!
How is it that such situations often drag on for years? After all, strange as it may seem, but according to the observations of family psychologists, such “triangles” sometimes amaze with their strength and duration of existence.
Financial security of a man Many rich men, tired of the family routine, take on a mistress, who subsequently gives birth to children and acquires the status of a “second wife”. If a man provides for both wives well, then they often put up with the situation, fearing to lose their financial well-being. Women's fear of loneliness Alas, according to statistics, we have fewer men than women, so many women prefer to share a man with a rival for years, just not to be left alone. Inability to deal with his feelings It also happens that a man lives in two families at the same time, because he is sincerely attached to both wives and cannot leave either of them, and both women, in turn, cannot live without him - that’s why they suffer all three...
First of all, all three participants in the "triangle" should take a realistic look at the current situation and understand what it can lead to - then it will be easier to make a decision. Such “connections” cannot be considered as a positive phenomenon from any side, since they, as a rule, bring serious problems and troubles to all participants:
Suffering and experiences Jealousy is a painful, humiliating and destructive feeling, and two women waging an endless war for a man simply cannot but be jealous of each other! Acute conflict situations It is not uncommon for rivals to lose control of their emotions, and the cold war between them turns into real combat battles, up to dousing each other with sulfuric acid - and this is already a tragedy! Children suffer in the situation. Most often, a man lives with his lawful wife, and periodically visits his mistress, so illegitimate children may suffer from a lack of paternal attention, even if they are fully financially secure. In addition, children always feel when something is wrong in the family, and they worry no less than their parents. Broken hopes No matter how long a man lives in two families, this cannot last forever, and he, in the end, will have to make a choice between two women. And then one of them will be alone with nothing, with the understanding that her personal life did not work out ...
How to act in such a situation for all participants in the "triangle" can only be decided by themselves. Here much depends on the circumstances of how all this love story perceived by a man and his women. If everyone is satisfied and happy, then there is nothing to talk about. In the end, everyone has their own view of family life and personal relationships.
But if the situation makes at least one of the participants in the “triangle” suffer, it is advisable to quickly resolve it in one direction or another. And even better, probably, if men do not cheat on their wives, and women begin to bypass married men side!
