I am a widow, my son is almost a teenager. At the moment I am working, I am a qualified specialist, I am earning, Alhamdulillah, not bad, but after marriage, I think I will not work (I am tired of being a hard worker, and I want to be a woman).
We live with our son. Loneliness is not the best companion for a woman. And, of course, there is the intention to get married. On the recommendation, I met a brother in faith.
Communication was only by phone. We talked practically only on the topic: a look at nicknames, who counts on what, how he roughly sees his family life. Everything seemed to be fine. He offered me nikah, I agreed, we exchanged photos. The last time we even discussed that I would not work after nikah (it was a common desire), and in general we talked about the future life together discussed an approximate date. And we agreed to meet with witnesses the other day to discuss the little things: how, where to pick up the bride, that is, me, etc. I live far from my parents, so I had to warn them in advance to come. In general, everything was fine.
What is the problem, exactly? My fiancé is missing. That is, he does not call, does not write, he is generally silent. After waiting a week, I wrote him an SMS, where I asked about his health (it was necessary, and I wanted to, somehow explain his absence). The answer is silence. I have such a big question mark in my soul: WHAT was that? And most importantly - WHY? And the worst thing is that I already told my mother, she was going on the road.
I had to call her to cancel. Through mutual acquaintances, I carefully found out - everything is in order with him, he is alive, healthy and even very well-fed, as they say. That is, he has the means and opportunity to contact. Now I don't understand and it hurts. I am not a freak, not a cripple, alhamdulillah, the past does not spoil the reputation, that is, I see no obvious reasons for the sudden refusal. My son and I don’t have any special material problems, and neither do we have any mercantile goals, which he is aware of. I am not going to solve my problems at someone's expense and never tried. And even if a man suddenly changes his mind, I think that it is necessary to warn, to talk. But to be silent like that is cowardice. How am I to be now? There is no resentment, because anything is possible in life, but there is bewilderment and pain. How to be, tell me.
Answer:
Muslim law forbids, without extreme necessity, to communicate, as well as to retire to a man and a woman who are not mahrams (i.e., not close relatives, marriage between whom is prohibited by Sharia) and who are not married in a Muslim marriage. The hadeeth of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) states: Let not a man and a woman be alone, for truly the third among them will be Satan "(Jamiul-ahadith, No. 17646).
لايخلون رجل بامرأة فإن الشيطان ثالثهما
And even communication by telephone, the Internet or through other means of communication is prohibited if vicious thoughts arise during communication.
The reasons for this behavior can only be guessed at. Perhaps he never had serious intentions about you, maybe he is already married and was afraid that your relationship would be revealed, or maybe ... The most effective way to find out the reason for such an act is to talk to him, ask him himself. However, this should be done in a permitted way, for example, in the presence of your mahram or girlfriend.
Pray to the Almighty for forgiveness for what you have done and ask to grant you a man with a good disposition and strong faith. Know that by observing the religion of the Almighty, avoiding the forbidden and following the prescribed and laudable, you will be rewarded with the pleasure of the Almighty. And the one with whom the Creator Himself is pleased will never lose.
The first thing you pay attention to in your letter is your desire to organize everything in accordance with Sharia norms. This is very good and commendable. Whatever happens in your life, the main thing is not to deviate from the path of truth and not go against your own views.
Now regarding your problem. First you need to pay attention to the motives that guided you and that led you to this situation. Obviously, the main reason for what happened is your feeling of loneliness, a sense of loss. You cannot allow your desire to get away from loneliness to connect you with a person who is not quite suitable. It often happens that we place our hopes on a not entirely correct basis and in some cases overestimate the qualities of the person for whom we are making plans. This is the most important thought to grasp.
One can only speculate about his behavior. To begin with, give up looking for the cause of his disappearance in your own appearance, do not blame yourself, but at the same time keep your own responsibility. It is not at all excluded that he behaved this way because of your excessive activity. There is a type of man who is potentially not ready to marry, but act as if they are looking for a wife. Representatives of this type of men are mistaken themselves and mislead others. It is possible that you have become a victim of just such a case. If this is so, then you also need to rejoice that the Almighty has saved you from a person who is not entirely responsible.
The danger is that after such incidents, some women begin to feel insecure and feel somewhat humiliated. Drop these thoughts and do not return to them. In no case should your desire to find happiness take you in an unknown direction and lead to the fact that hopes will be placed on inappropriate people.
Be sure that yours will not pass by you anyway, it will find you by itself.
Further. It is important to analyze your agreement with this person on how your role behavior and family priorities will be distributed. On the one hand, this is good - in the sense that you stipulate the key points in advance. But even here there are pitfalls that you need to be aware of. A certain share of the danger of such agreements lies in the fact that in practice it is impossible to implement everything planned, there is always a certain amount of uncertainty. And if there was a certain agreement, its implementation becomes impossible, then in some cases this gives an extra reason for mutual claims. In the future, you should clearly know that in a detailed agreement on how you will live together, there is more negative than positive. There is a chance that you will be told what you want to hear. Limit yourself to general, principled positions and do not force events, give them the opportunity to unfold calmly.
Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children
Did you like the material? Please tell others about it, repost it on social networks!
This is a perfect example of the fact that jokes are not always appropriate. A bride from China wanted to check if the groom really loves her. She chose the worst of the "tests", and decided to surprise her right during the wedding photo shoot.
The bride arrives for the photo shoot, but her face looks like the face of an old lady.
Qing Kao, 26, from Shenzhen, China, began to look like a 50-year-old woman with gray hair and matching makeup, revealing a wrinkled, old face. It was supposedly part of a test to see if the person she was going to marry would still love her even if she looked like she was 50 years old.
It was an attempt to test his feelings, but, unfortunately, this joke was not to his liking.
Unfortunately, Guo Chin, the fiancé, did not find anything funny in this. Everything went down the drain when the couple began to quarrel and shout at each other while in the middle of one of the streets in Shenzhen. Curious passers-by gathered around them and began filming videos and taking pictures, while the two fought over their appearance.
He asked her to take off her makeup. But she insisted that she would not.
Witnesses claimed that the groom asked the girl to wash off her makeup, to which the girl did not want to agree. She said that if he loves her after 50 years, appearance should not be a problem for him if they are together and many years later, when they are already old.
The future spouses began to argue and shout in the middle of the street.
When the groom realized that it was pointless to argue, and that she would get her way, the guy was disappointed in his choice, threw his glasses on the ground, jumped into a taxi and left, leaving Kao to cry right on the street.
Realizing that further relationships do not make sense, the groom left and canceled the wedding.
Passers-by said that they were shocked after what they saw, the “old bride”, shedding tears, waited for the groom for several minutes. After an inconclusive wait, she got into another taxi and drove home.
What do you think about it? Did she deserve this? Did the guy overdo it?
Hello dear psychologists!
I am 21 years old. My lover left me two weeks ago. We were together for four years. The matter went to the wedding, they had already bought wedding rings and were busy preparing. It all started about a month ago (I mean, before the break). I quit my favorite job because of a conflict situation with my superiors, and I was very worried. Couldn't relax at all. There was an opportunity to go to Moscow with my father. He is at work, and I just see the city and clear my head a little. At first my fiancé was not against it, and then, the day before the departure, he began to ask me not to leave. But I still left. I was gone for 10 days. Upon arrival, he gave me a strong scandal, accusing me of not loving him and that I was striving to part. I explained that it wasn't and that I just wanted to distract myself. For a while he calmed down. We have mutual friends who told me that while I was away, he was very bored and worried. A couple of days passed and he told me that he wants to leave because I do not love him. I convinced him that this was not so and somehow dissuaded him. Everything was fine, but after a few days, he said that he wanted to leave, because I did not suit him as a person and that I would never change, but even though he loves me, we need to leave ... Again, I tried to make amends. But a few days later, he said he didn't know how he felt about me. Likes or not. And while I was away, he thought a lot and now doubts his feelings. I was crushed and thought that this was the end, but after long conversations, everything returned to normal for just a few days. And then, we quarreled because of nonsense, I flared up. And he told me everything that he apparently wanted to say for a long time. That he fell out of love, and that he wants to leave forever. I should probably say that it was getting engaged and he bought me a ring literally a week before he left me. All his behavior is illogical... He cut off all contact with me, it was May 1st. And on April 30, he said that he adores me ... He did not want to talk, he would meet, he did not pick up the phone. I didn't know what to do... Then I went to his grandmother, where he has lunch between work. It was May 2nd. He met me as a stranger. He shouted and insulted me. He said that he hated me and that I would never see him again. Added to ignore everywhere. In contact, in the mail. I didn't call or text him for a week, maybe a little more. All this time, I was hysterical ... After all, I love him incredibly much ... Then I found a reason, I wrote, as if in nothing, just like a friend. He immediately began to poke me with the fact that he did not need me, including as a friend. Declared that he is actively searching new girl. He said that if he changes his number, he won't give it to me. And that if our communication stops, he will only be glad ... I am in despair. He is very impulsive, fickle, but at the same time a stubborn person. I know that it is possible to establish at least friendly communication, for a start. But what if he rejects me? His best friend said that too little time had passed, and that if I disappeared and stopped communicating with him, he would be interested. But I can't be sure.
That day, our wedding day, my sister was helping me get dressed and asked, "Are you nervous?" I honestly answered no. There was an hour left before the wedding I always dreamed about - on a Hawaiian beach - with the man who was mine. best friend. I shook my head in the negative and remember her exact answer: “Well, yes, and why would you be nervous? He's such a great guy." Since then, I've been thinking about it all the time. Once I cried because of it. Now it seems almost ridiculous to me.
I met my fiancé two years earlier at a baseball game. He was tall and sweet. I lived in Toronto and he was two hours away in northern Ontario, but we started dating anyway. I visited him every weekend. We were madly in love. When he proposed to me six months later - on the beach during sunset - I didn't think it was too fast. I was 23, and it seemed that fate had decreed that. People said what a good couple we are. We were both active and ambitious, he got along well with my family. While we were planning our wedding, we bought a house together. Sure, we had fights, but who doesn't?
We decided that we would get married in Hawaii. He took an active part in organizing the wedding. And that day I was very excited. I went out for a run that morning and I remember telling myself to try everything. We were staying at a hotel overlooking the ceremony site on the beach, and from our window I could see the preparations going on. That's probably why I wasn't nervous when I put on the dress. That's probably why I was so shocked by what happened next.
He came into the room and said that we should talk in private. He cried. I thought that he allowed himself to throw out all the emotions. But then he said this: "I don't think I can do it." I couldn't understand. I asked: "Are you kidding?"
He shook his head. I stood there with a veil in my hair. And this man who was supposed to be the love of my life told me that he was canceling the wedding less than an hour before the ceremony. I didn't even ask why. I told him to leave. That hotel room suddenly got so small.
My sister and friend went after him, but he ran away from them. He didn't even say anything to the organizers. I had to watch from the window as my sister went to the beach and told everyone.
One would think that it was a simple jitters, but when I opened the closet, I realized that this was not the case. While I was walking that morning, he gathered all his things and documents. He really left me. My heart was broken. I was humiliated and devastated.
I needed to run away. I went for a walk along the beach. Then, half an hour later, I called him. He just said he left because he just felt that way. This is all. I don't know how I survived that night. It was a shock. I went to dinner, but I couldn't eat. My sister gave me sleeping pills, but I woke up at 4 am. It was very difficult to remember all this again.
Even worse was that he stayed on the island for the rest of the week. We were at the same resort. I saw him in the parking lot two days later and called him a coward; my sense of emptiness was already turning into anger. I devoted the rest of the vacation to sports and various entertainments so as not to think about what happened. My goal was to be so tired every night that I could fall asleep without thinking. But back in Canada, I faced reality again. I moved back to my parents, and they started selling the house. I felt like I was a teenager again.
A few weeks later we met, and he proposed to be together, but not to marry, which surprised me very much. It turned out that he canceled the wedding because he did not want children, but I did. He never said why it became such a big problem on the day of the wedding. But in the end we lost touch. Now, 6 years later, I'm dating again. What happened is already far in the past, and it no longer hurts so much. I recently told my new friend about this and realized it was actually just a great anecdote. I can even laugh at it.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. My name is Tatyana, I am 23 years old. We met with a young man (22 years old) for 2 years, not everything went smoothly, we tried to disperse, but not for long. Then they simply analyzed the situations and tried not to repeat the mistakes. We did not see each other very often, because of the employment of both, we could not live together either, because it was expensive. They lived in dormitories, different, and just came to each other. And after one of these situations, when we tried to leave, he said that he would never let me go again and wanted to connect his life with me. Met my best friend. It was in January. Then our relationship changed significantly, everything became almost perfect, every time he confirmed his words, we made each other different amenities. Then he proposed to me, from that moment everything was fabulous in the relationship. We introduced our parents, they were happy, they applied. He was preparing for the wedding with such pleasure ... I saw a sparkle in his eyes, he said how much he loved me, almost carried me in his arms, proudly presented me as his bride. I started visiting him almost every night. This lasted 3 months. At the penultimate meeting in my parents' house, he even called me his wife, showed my mother the rings he had bought. Everything was ready for the wedding, we were planning our future life, I even agreed with my hostel to put us in a family block. And now there were 2 weeks left before the wedding, he left for a couple of days on business. Did not call. At first I thought, okay, maybe he’s just busy, especially since it used to happen that he didn’t call for several days. He returned, offered to meet and said that there would be no wedding, that in these couple of days he realized that he did not love me and did not see me as his wife. He looked completely bewildered and devastated. After he did not answer calls, only once, he confirmed what was said. I did not learn anything new through friends and brothers, he told them the same thing. I don’t know how this could happen, we didn’t even quarrel. It was very hard, even though more than a week had passed, but it did not get easier. I love him very much, I can’t let him go, but I understand that I have no choice. I relax as much as I can. It's so cold at heart. What do i do? How to deal with heartache, understand, forgive? How can you find the motivation to move on? It seems to me that I will soon go crazy ... And yet, everyone knew that we were getting married, how to tell people how to avoid questions?
Hello dear Tatyana. I want to express my sincere sympathy. It hurts when a loved one leaves. It hurts even more when he leaves suddenly and unconditionally.
Tatyana, your pain is complicated by the fact that the gap in the form in which it occurred has many side effects, so to speak. If it were not for them, it would be much easier for you. What are these effects? Of course, this feeling of abandonment. When we are informed that they no longer want to continue with us, this is accompanied by a painful blow to self-esteem. It seems that we are not full-fledged people, since someone can do this to us. Just get rid of when the need for us is gone, that's all. It is important not to succumb to this feeling, not to believe in it. Don't feel like a victim. If something does not suit one of the partners and for some reason he cannot construct your joint reality in such a way as to get rid of his dissatisfaction, the relationship is doomed. He just figured it out before. And who knows, maybe it really is better early than late?
I don’t know if this will calm you down, but a huge number of couples do not reach the registry office after submitting an application. Marriage is an important milestone in a person's life and it makes you think and rethink a lot. Perhaps if you weren't about to get married, your ex-fiancé would never rethink his life, and you would date for several more years, wasting your life in a relationship that was going nowhere.
There is another factor in your breakup - this is the reaction of loved ones. Are you asking how to avoid questions? No way. Is it possible to immediately indicate: "yes, it happened, but I don't want to discuss anything yet, you understand." People will understand, I assure you. Of course, Tatyana, you don't want to be pitied, you don't want to be pathetic, and that's why you don't want to tell people. But, believe me, among those to whom you will tell everything, there will be people who are ready not only to gloat, but also to support in a human way. And you will feel better with this support. You will understand that you are not alone and life has not ended.
You have been with this person for two years. It is not surprising that your life revolved around him and now you do not know what to live for. But somehow you lived before meeting him. And when he left you lived. The pain will pass, because it is impossible to live at the peak of emotions all the time, it will become easier for you and then you can start searching for your real self. After all, we often forget about ourselves in a relationship. From I + I become WE. Tatyana, remember this I, about your individuality. get to know yourself again. Realize your desires, desires, fears, dreams. This is how you can find new meaning in your life.
Just let this meaning be inside you, and not outside. When we make the meaning of our life another person, we put ourselves in danger. After all, a person can leave us. And here you are forever. Rating 4.38 (8 Votes)
