The green serpent destroyed entire civilizations, let alone individual families. The struggle with alcoholism does not bring pleasure either to those who are prone to this disease, or to those who want to help their loved one.
After trying every method, begging, cursing, giving ultimatums, you finally gave up. And do not reproach yourself for this - the once beloved man himself made a choice not in your favor, therefore it's time to start living for yourself. But how to part with an alcoholic when mental strength is already running out?
You have firmly decided to stop all the horror that you see in your life. Give your husband an ultimatum, which involves a complete rejection of alcohol. It is unlikely that he will tie, but you will know for sure that you did everything possible to save the marriage. Do not listen to his threats, reproaches, appeals to your pity. If his drunkenness has reached the fourth stage, you will not get him out of it. Only a strong shock, which can be your departure, can make him change his life and start getting rid of addiction.
Don't take my word for it if he promised you not to drink anymore. The main condition is treatment. Let him go to a drug treatment clinic, purify the blood, do coding, etc. Give a clear trial period after which you will leave if he is not cured.
The chronic alcoholic no longer controls himself. Close people mean no more to him than his passion. If he is not given another dose of alcohol, he is able to assault, threaten, do terrible things. This tyranny is difficult to deal with, especially when a man has great physical strength and is naturally prone to aggression. Any words about divorce infuriate him and he intimidates the woman, not giving her the opportunity to free herself from the unbearable burden.
Did you recognize yourself? You cannot cope alone, but the whole world can defeat him. If a person stronger and more authoritative than your spouse rises to your defense, the problem will be solved. Try contacting the police. With all the bias towards the servants of the law, there are those among them who can find justice for an alcoholic. If not, contact your friends. Surely, among his acquaintances there are adequate people who empathize with you.
Other options: human rights organizations, his or your employees, charitable foundations. Among the volunteers who are engaged in the search for missing people, there are many indifferent physically strong men who will help you in your nightmarish situation. Know that you can change your life, you don't owe anything to this man who betrayed everyone and everything for his passion. You need to stop saving your marriage, it's time to think about yourself and your children. They definitely do not need life next to a person who is constantly in a drunken stupor.
How to break up with a drinking man If possible, then an immediate divorce. If this is not possible, then psychological divorce is applicable. Do not consider your husband in your soul as a husband, but consider him a flatmate. Then mental anguish will disappear, and there will be only inconvenience. You will not expect him, you will calmly react to the fact that he will not come to spend the night, you will not read lectures and sermons to him about the dangers of drunkenness, and if he pesters, pour him an extra glass so that he reaches the third degree intoxication, and sleep soundly , you will not seek to ensure that he goes to treatment. Hide expensive things in another place, do not keep stocks of alcohol in the apartment, do not swear with him. Try to get yourself a different society. It's best to go to some kind of study. But if you want to discourage your husband from drinking, do the same. Many of my students did just that. Their drinking husbands, noticing significant changes in their wives for the better, became interested in them again and stopped drinking. In conclusion, I quote "Requirements for my beloved wife", which a man wrote to a woman a month after the wedding: 1) Honestly and faithfully fulfill your duty to the family. 2) Do not cheat on your beloved husband. 3) Love to the grave. 4) Make sure that the husband is always clean and ironed. 5) Make sure that the husband is not taken away by other women (especially when drunk). 6) Take your husband home from all parties and not let him get drunk. 7) Follow the husband's regular three meals a day at home, and not in the dining room. 8) Always cook everything fresh, not warmed up. 9) Remind the husband about the approach of significant dates on which gifts are given and do not forget to give gifts to her husband. 10) Do not often ask your husband to buy expensive things (for yourself). This lady came to me for a consultation with a request to return her dissolute husband, with whom, she believes, she lived happily for 22 years, into the bosom of the family. It is easy to see that even then he gave information that he would drink (rules 5 and 6), take care of other women (rule 5). He did not choose a wife for himself, but a servant who would simultaneously be a cook (rules 7 and 8), a laundress (rule 4), secretaries (rule 9). In addition, he very much doubted her constancy and decency (rules 1-3), and also assumed inflated demands in her (rule 10). A psychologically prepared woman would have crumpled up his demands, thrown them in his face, and immediately dispersed. She did not act like that, but carried out all the instructions. She gave up her career for him. Traveled with him to different places. When he reached a high position, he became drunk and left her. But this could easily have been foreseen from this one note. Women! A strong-willed, emotional, intelligent, purposeful man is wonderful. But the right use of the will, the right use of the mind and the right direction of the goal are also essential. We are surrounded by those whom we deserve, and they do with us as we allow them. The people who surround us are not random people. We chose them ourselves. Specific Sasha or Lena is a random choice, but their psychological type is not at all random. Mikhail Litvak
One of the most difficult trials that fate can prepare for a woman is a divorce from an alcoholic. You can talk a lot about women's patience, love, compassion, the desire to save a family. It is allowed to doubt, to fight, to sacrifice oneself. But it is wiser to radically resolve this issue if it has arisen in your life.
A happy marriage is, first of all, mutual respect, love and mutual understanding of spouses. The absence of at least one of these "bricks" in the foundation of the family presents problem after problem over time. But, together, any, the most difficult situations are overcome more easily. All but one - alcohol addiction.
Usually the first year life together- cloudless. Husband and wife enjoy each other, get used to a new life, plan the main stages of coexistence, children. But there are families in which, already at this time of romance, a question arises related to the attitude to alcohol. This is trouble!
Former addictions (including those of a genetic nature) turn out to be stronger than the family aura.
Psychological incompatibility of spouses, scandals, low self-esteem of each, insufficiently high level of cultural development.
Problems that have arisen can and should be corrected. True, considering its seriousness. The highest percentage of divorces is due to alcoholism. Despite the fact that deciding to divorce a husband, if he drinks quietly, without burdening his family with his behavior, is very difficult. The most important thing is not to waste time.
If it is possible to eliminate the cause that provoked addiction to stress relief with alcohol, this is one situation. Survived and forgotten. If the habit of drinking is second nature, it is completely different. Alcoholism is a serious disease that affects both body and soul. This is substance abuse, the sister drug addiction.
To get rid of a terrible disease, you need not only the help of a narcologist, a psychologist, but also the desire of the patient himself, his willpower. The impetus for treatment should be a clear realization that life with an alcoholic is, in fact, an abnormal phenomenon. Everyone suffers from this situation. non-healing mental wounds remain until old age.
Emotional stress, social discrimination, psychological burden on the wife of an alcoholic is extremely high. A child growing up in the family of a drinking man, against the background of constant conflicts and mutual reproaches, forms a model of antisocial behavior in the future. There are pathological traits of character, problems in communicating with peers.
If the husband does not understand the whole tragedy of the situation, does not want to listen and hear, the problem will grow exponentially. In this case, when deciding on the possibility of correcting the situation, it is necessary to take into account:
If there is at least a drop of hope to improve the situation, you need to correctly position yourself in communication with your spouse:
Divorcing an alcoholic husband is not easy. But if you have exhausted all conceivable and unthinkable methods of resolving the situation - it is simply necessary. For a woman, this is a real tragedy. She is sacrificial, in fact, therefore she is ready to endure hardships for a long time, material troubles, household discomfort. And forgive.
However, there is a line that should not be crossed. This is a beating. If an alcoholic husband raised his hand against you, leave him on the same day without hesitation. The consequences are not important, your life and your children are important. Once hit, he will do it again and again. Breaking up is the only way to avoid tragedy. No options.
The second unconditional reason for divorce from an alcoholic is moral terror. Stress, expectation of trouble, a feeling of complete confusion, self-doubt. In such conditions, a woman cannot live. The situation is aggravated by developing codependence, the need to lie to others. Divorce is the only solution to the problem.
It's probably not a secret for anyone that the "weather in the house" is more important for the child than for you. Therefore, if you answer the question about divorce, protecting the interests of children, the answer is unequivocal, and you know it. A child cannot respect a drinking father. He can love him at the subconscious level, but never respect him.
The divorce of parents will bring much suffering to the little man. But is it possible that the risk of being injured, falling under the “hot hand”, constant fear, humiliation, a sense of shame in front of peers, burning resentment for abuse of the mother will not outweigh the scales. Add possible malnutrition, lack of beautiful clothes, not a happy childhood at all.
In the future, this is likely to turn into aggression against the backdrop of self-doubt. Of course, if “there is no prophet in his own country,” it is all the more impossible to weigh all the pros and cons in a divorce from an alcoholic from the point of view of a child. And yet, divorcing drinking husband, remember this:
If a breakup is inevitable, action must be taken. Psychologists know how to divorce an alcoholic husband without unnecessary worries, mistakes, if he (God forbid!) does not give his consent. They recommend using a kind of rules of conduct:
In the absence of property claims, divorce does not pose a serious legal problem. The divorce case is considered and decided by the registry office at the place of residence of the former married couple. The division of property, disputes concerning minor children, the payment of alimony are the prerogative of the court. An application is being made to it.
Perhaps, in our country, the lack of their own housing is one of the main problems, for which women do not dare to dissolve their marriage with a drinking person for a long time. Even if he is a tyrant. However, with a correctly executed, from a legal point of view, application to the court, the problem has several solutions:
If the spouses do not have the funds to purchase separate housing and the husband’s consent to leave, the court has the right to oblige the former married couple to sell the apartment, to divide the money from the transaction in equal shares.
A mortgage loan is not a sentence either. The debt, at the request of one of the spouses, may be divided between the husband and wife in a judicial proceeding. In this case, the previous mortgage lending agreement is terminated, two new ones are concluded. This practice excludes the liability of the parties for each other's insolvency.
If the family rented a room, but you don’t have friends who can shelter you for the first time, this is not a reason to despair. In any city of the country there are services designed to solve such problems. If necessary, they will provide the assistance of a psychotherapist, psychoanalyst.
Divorce from an alcoholic husband is not easy. It is not always possible to assess the damage caused by him to the psychological and physical health of loved ones. But the emotional exhaustion of the family is obvious. Given the ongoing attempts to contact a drinking person with his wife, children, support after a divorce is urgently needed.
Specialized social services are called upon to provide it. Their task is to calm a woman who is in a state of shock, find temporary housing, arrange children for a new school (kindergarten), provide work, assess the margin of safety of the emotional sphere, help rehabilitate, survive a divorce from her alcoholic husband.
There are several such organizations in accordance with the profile of assistance provided:
Turning to specialists helps to cope with feelings of loneliness, mood swings, and depression. In critical situations - stop suicide attempts. In this situation, a psychologist will help children and adults gain self-confidence, restore personal relationships with relatives and friends.
It's important to start new life from a clean slate, having managed to turn the page of the past. Psychologists advise:
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Alcoholism is one of the most terrible diseases of our time. If a man suffers from it, then the whole family fully feels the negative consequences. Over time, a woman begins to understand that next to her is a completely different person: degrading, not interested in his wife, children and family problems.
But he does not dare to leave him, continuing to endure and adapt to his husband's addiction. But did she dream of such a life when she got married? Should she continue to live like this, endangering herself and her children? Constantly sacrificing the well-being of everyone for the sake of one single person who does not even want to be aware of his problem? The answer is no.
You will need:
Families where the husband suffers from alcohol addiction face the following problems:
When a man starts drinking, he becomes uninteresting in the circle of close people. Therefore, the husband spends most of his time outside the family, looking for support in the society of drinking buddies.
There are frequent quarrels and conflicts, accompanied by screams and tantrums.
A drunk person constantly behaves inappropriately both in the circle of relatives and friends, and in society.
Gradually, the personality of a man degrades, he ceases to take care of himself, develop, strive for something, begins to neglect all values. He loses interest not only in his wife and children, but in life in general. The only thing he cares about now is drinking.
The life of the whole family turns into a nightmare in reality. The way of life is completely changing, everything “revolves” around one person, his mood and disposition of the spirit.
Often an alcoholic begins to behave aggressively, splashing out all his anger and dissatisfaction on others. In this case, he can humiliate, beat his wife and children, rage, scatter and break things.
A man ceases to care about the well-being and well-being of the family, spends all his money on alcohol, gets into debt, loses his job.
Even if a woman earns enough, then her income goes to the maintenance of her alcoholic husband and his parties.
Children are constantly involved in conflicts and quarrels. As a result, their psyche and self-esteem, school performance suffer. They grow insecure, notorious, gradually becoming aggressive and undisciplined, or, conversely, withdrawn and unsociable.
Very often a woman becomes co-dependent, substituting values over time. She believes that the problem of her husband arose because of her, she is a bad wife, mother and mistress. She blames herself for not being able to inspire and motivate her husband to get rid of addiction. A woman constantly regrets, sympathizes and indulges a drunkard, adjusting to her husband's behavior.
If a woman is weak, weak-willed, with low self-esteem, she has every chance of becoming addicted to drinking and becoming a drinking buddy to her husband.
If you are familiar with the life described above, it is time to take a step towards the liberation of yourself and your children.
Some alcoholics need to hit bottom in order to rise up and find the strength to cope with the disease. Therefore, in such a situation, leaving will be your best help.
If you only threaten, but do nothing, you will get bogged down in this situation for a long time.
Behind all the words of a drunkard is only the fear of loneliness and unwillingness to take responsibility for his life and the problem.
Before you leave your husband and file for divorce, take care of what and where you will live on.
To avoid a showdown, it is best to leave in the absence of a man. Your decision should be communicated by phone, sms or leave a note.
If the husband’s apartment, then you will have to leave (to relatives / friends / to a rented apartment). It is better to do this in his absence, leaving a note. You don't have to say where you are. Especially if the husband is a tyrant, capable of causing physical harm.
If you have nowhere to go, contact a Women's Help Center. They will be able to shelter for a while.
The legal side of divorce is solved very simply, provided there are no children and common property. Write a standard application to the registry office, indicating the reason for the divorce - the husband's alcoholism.
If you have children, you must apply to the court with such a statement. There are also issues related to property and alimony payments.
