Trusting a husband after his betrayal: are there any guarantees against relapse? In my psychologist’s office, the question is heard daily: “Do you think, after my husband’s betrayal and reconciliation with him, can I be sure that we have saved the family really forever? Is there any guarantee that my husband understood everything, made the right conclusions for himself and will never again hurt me by cheating or leaving the family?
As an experienced and honest specialist, I upset women by saying that, unfortunately, there is no one hundred percent guarantee against repeated betrayals. I will say more: in my practice, hundreds of times it happened that the same women committed adultery, who, having gone through the betrayal of their husband and returned him to the family according to my methods, who took oaths of eternal fidelity from him, after months or years they themselves came across on their own treason. And their own shocked husbands came to me for a consultation. And many more times it happened that even in the process of reconciliation of a couple, where there was a betrayal of the husband, and the wife angrily stigmatized him with “maleness and intransigence”, it suddenly turned out that she herself had a lover, and her own connection arose even earlier than the connection husband.
Thus, without firm guarantees against female adultery, it is difficult for me to promise someone protection from repeated male adultery. Especially considering the fact that in the brain of sexually active men, in principle, there are no protective devices against female sexual manipulation. Nature simply did not provide for them. Because if men had the gift to calmly watch how interesting women give them sexual appeals specifically, then humanity would have died out long ago.
Nevertheless, without having at least some hope for a brighter future, a person cannot live, will not have the motivation to keep a family, and will not be able to communicate correctly. So what can we advise to those women who, having saved the family after infidelity, and for the sake of this somewhere even crossed their principles, still strive to understand: “Is there any hope for the exclusion of recurrence of infidelity on the part of the husband, and if so, what exactly? does this need to be done in the family? Is it possible to trust that cheating husband who seemed to have said that he wants to save the family? How accurate can it be?"
I answer as clearly as the question was clearly formulated. Moreover, the scheme in this case is simple. To paraphrase the well-known saying that “everything ingenious is simple!”, I will say this:
Everything ingenious is simple!
Everything genital is as easy as shelling pears!”
You will see for yourself now. According to my professional observations, the formula for trusting a man is as follows:
“The presence of past betrayals + The duration of the revealed love affair + The amount of the husband’s financial investment in his mistress + The completeness of repentance and parting with his mistress + the man’s absence of harmful addictions + the correctness of the wife’s behavior after reconciliation with her husband + the presence of large joint goals in the family + the transparency of the life of the spouses + completeness mutual control of spouses.
Now I will decipher this formula.
- "The presence of past betrayals." If your husband has been caught cheating for the first time, it is quite obvious that he will have much less faith than if this were the first and only episode in the history of your marriage. If your husband systematically gives you reasons for jealousy, you don’t need to have special illusions: if everything is sad according to the following criteria, you can forget about the guarantees of a calm family life.
- "Duration of revealed love relationship." If your husband’s “left” connection was one-time (such as intimacy on a business trip or drunk at a corporate party or at a friend’s dacha) or lasted only a few months, then there is a great hope that these relationships themselves will be severed forever, and your husband himself will not managed to get used to the regular conduct of a "double" life. If the betrayal has lasted for a year, or even for several years, then everything is much worse. First, from the point of view of a family psychologist
Years of betrayal is essentially a second family,
that is, in fact - a secret civil marriage.
Accordingly, it is very difficult to break off such relationships that are filled not only with sex, but also with travel, communication, plans, mutual care and the same mutual obligations. And no matter how the red-handed husband himself declares his readiness to “forget everything in the interests of preserving the legitimate family,” I personally always warn wives that the possibility of restoring this connection may not last for several more years. That is, until this female lover herself marries and / or gives birth to another man. Thus, he will lose his feminine motif reconnecting with your husband. But, if she cannot get married or this marriage turns out to be unsuccessful for her, clouds may again gather over your family. That is why, in especially severe cases (with a great threat of relapse), I directly advise wives to find an opportunity to move with a husband returned to the family to other cities, regions or even countries. Or develop schemes on how it is profitable to marry an ex-lover. Or use other methods.
Secondly, no one has yet canceled the principles of the conditioned reflex of Pavlov's dog. A man who for many years has been accustomed to a secret life and receiving sexual pleasures in such a format that tickles his nerves will most likely strive to restore such a habitual and comfortable way of life for his vanity, simply changing his left girlfriends, ruthlessly surrendering to his wife and changing on someone else. The once-launched cyclic carousel usually stops after 45-50 years, when a man’s libido begins to gradually decrease, and the brain finally matures.
Increasing the family decency of a man
usually coincides with a decrease in its potency.
Therefore, when it is clearly known that the husband's love affair on the side lasted three to five years, there are usually no easy victories. Except in the case when the mistress herself objectively turns out to be on the side of the wife, her patience has burst and she herself harshly rebuffed her lover in a panic, rushing between the women, who was unable to immediately choose one of them. If, however, a long-term lover in every possible way emphasizes her willingness to wait at least until retirement (especially now noticeably delayed) and to accept a man who has returned to the family at any time, it is very difficult to talk about a great credit of trust in such a husband. It needs an eye for an eye.
- "The amount of financial investment of the husband in his mistress." If, having learned about her husband's infidelity, the wife also revealed the notorious "elements of the sweet life", i.e. his significant costs for this connection (expensive gifts, foreign travel, payment for expensive plastic surgeries and elite fitness, donated cars and assistance in purchasing housing, etc.), must be soberly understood: the man himself will be very sorry to lose his investments and his it will be psychologically very difficult for a mistress to part with such a generous sponsor who has made life noticeably easier and more prosperous.
Generous men do not roll on the road.
They lie in the beds of the women they invest in.
Lying on the road are former generous men who have already been milked.
Therefore, knowing that the husband generously invested in his mistress, the wife should be prepared for a very long and careful observation of his behavior after returning to the family. Because:
A woman is able to refuse communication with a generous man
only having met either an even more generous man, or the same,
but who is either unmarried or leaves his wife more quickly.
- "The fullness of repentance and parting with his mistress." If, after revealing his wife’s infidelity, a man quickly made a fundamental decision, quickly informed his mistress about the final break in communication, and also quickly restructured his life schedule in such a radical way in such a way as to completely exclude both personal contacts with her and telephone communication for any reason, then For the wife, this is good news. Such men, most often, in fact, in the future make the right family conclusions and remain faithful to their wife. If, however, for weeks and months a man repeated like a mantra that he was “confused” and rushed between women, if he continued to work together with his mistress or began to creatively find any “cases” and reasons for communicating with her (such as help, counseling, etc.) etc.), if he never told his wife the details of the relationship and did not reveal the identity of his mistress, many such men are a “time bomb” that very often explodes again and again. And the wife’s battle for her husband flares up again and again, and each battle that seems to the wife “general” and “brilliant” again turns out (based on the aphorism of this article), alas, again another and genital. So take note:
The fullness of future trust depends on the fullness of past repentance.
- "The absence of harmful addictions in a man." Everything is simple here. Alcoholics, drug addicts and gamers, i.e. men who are unable to properly control their emotions and actions cannot themselves guarantee that their family position is firm. And after drinking alcohol, such men often "break down" and begin to call and write emotional love messages to their "former" ones. Or drunk to go to former mistresses from his wife, and when he comes to his senses, in disgrace, return back to his wife and beg for another forgiveness. Men without harmful addictions, although they can also break down, nevertheless, do it many times less often.
- "The correct behavior of the wife after reconciliation with her husband." If a wife, considering it right for herself to ask and return her cheating husband to the family, did five things:
- well analyzed her female mistakes and managed to correct them;
- provided her husband with quality sex, interesting communication, delicious food and home comfort, shared his hobbies with him and got along with his environment;
- managed to become a really attractive woman (and not just like herself and close friends);
- she did not humiliate herself, showed firmness and was able to force her husband to repent and give guarantees of her fidelity in the future;
- created a psychologically easy atmosphere in the family by not reproaching her husband for the mistakes he had made in the past.
... then the husband with a high degree of probability will receive in the family exactly what he was looking for on the side. If the wife could not realize any of this, the husband may again begin to look to the left ...
- "The presence in the family of large joint goals." It is not enough to save the family and defend it from the contenders. It is important to save it for something. I emphasize, not only for someone - bearing in mind the interests of the material support of the wife and children herself, but also for something. The family as a whole, that is, both spouses, should have some big joint goals and plans for the years to come. If tactful plans were developed and accepted by both partners, or the wife not only shared her husband's plans, but also became involved in their active implementation, then the husband will clearly remain faithful and can be trusted. Because, betraying his wife, thereby he will betray his own interests. Smart men usually don't make such mistakes. If there is a void in the joint goals of the family, or the wife does not share the really significant goals of her husband, it makes no sense to talk about trust. The husband will still look for his soul mate on the side and, most likely, will find her. Or one that appears to be.
- "Transparency of the life of spouses." After the reconciliation of the spouses, it is important for them to synchronize their lives, build schedules for their work and their leisure time, with an emphasis on maximum jointness and transparency. Codd spouses always know who is doing what, with whom they communicate, how much they earn, where they spend their money, and - most importantly, they strive to be together as much as possible.
If you wish, you can be close to a loved one even at a distance,
if you don't want to, you can be distant to each other, lying in the same bed.
Only complete transparency helps to create the very feeling of trust and is the shortest path to mutual trust in a couple.
- "The completeness of mutual control of the spouses." Here we are talking about the fact that the spouses have every right to call each other at any time (preferably by video call), use each other's mobile phones, tablets and computers, know the passwords for all of each other's social network accounts, etc. If, after the betrayal of the husband and reconciliation, the husband and wife gave such a right to each other, trust is almost always returned, and relapses of betrayal are extremely rare. If the spouses did not receive such a right and the “gray zone” still remains in their communication, then the most notorious “personal space”, sooner or later betrayals come again. It is important to understand: from an opaque “gray zone” in life to a “black hole” in relationships is one step.
Personal space in the family - this "black hole"
which gradually destroy first mutual trust
between spouses, and then the family itself.
Now you know the formula, in which there are as many as nine terms. I can’t cover the entire infinite fullness of life, but I can say that in those couples where there is a positive situation in at least six of the nine terms, most often the spouses successfully restore both the family and trust in the family, betrayal will bypass them in the future. If the situation is negative in more than three terms, trust is restored for a long time and with difficulty, and the risks of relapse, unfortunately, are high.
All of the nine points are very important. But the following are especially important:
- The fullness of remorse and parting with his mistress
- The absence of harmful addictions in a man
- The correct behavior of the wife after reconciliation with her husband
- Transparency of the life of the spouses
- Completeness of mutual control of the spouses.
These are usually the key points. It is on them that a woman needs to concentrate, it is in them that complete victory should be achieved.
If this article is read by a woman who, fortunately, has passed the situation with her husband's infidelity, taking into account these factors can help build family life in such a way that there will never be cheating in it at all. Proactive actions are always more effective than subsequent ones. This principle has not been canceled.
I talk in more detail about the topics raised in this article in my books such as How to Strengthen Your Marriage, Family Quakes, If Your Husband Cheated or Left, and You Want to Bring Him Back into the Family, Quarrels Around Sex . I highly recommend reading them.
If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming the crisis in your family life, I will be happy to try to help you during a personal or remote online consultation. The terms of the consultation are described on my website. On it you can also find my books and articles that may be useful to improve your life. Appointment for a consultation by phone: +79266335200.
Sincerely, psychologist, professor Andrey Zberovsky.
Everything was just fine, but it was worth distracting: defending a diploma, paying attention to a career, giving birth to a child - and now the ghost of a homeowner looms on the horizon.
You chose the best and most worthy, and if he is convicted of treason, what can we say about the rest of the men. Is it possible to restore trust if a man cheated on you - let's talk about this painful topic today.
Numerous Internet resources, newspapers and magazines often publish psychologist's advice, where, among reasonable ones, there are also funny recommendations:
But in addition to these "effective measures", I would personally advise you to analyze, perhaps you are indirectly to blame for his betrayals.
Sadly, they cheat not only overweight and lazy, but also slender, caring wives and successful, sought-after specialists. There are any reasons: out of boredom, out of curiosity, out of “momentary weakness”.
In addition, many representatives of the stronger sex are sure that:
Just analyze the experience of your communication. Do you often speak heart to heart, have you expressed your attitude to betrayal to your beloved clearly and definitely.
Do you turn to him for advice and support, or do you prefer to rely on the opinion of friends and parents whom you trust more. Perhaps there was no trusting relationship between you from the very beginning. Speaking of losing trust, it’s worth understanding what this concept means to you.
In any case, let the accused of treason (which may have taken place only in your imagination) speak out. But just be prepared to hear the truth, which will be unpleasant for you. Listening is valuable in a relationship.
Already, what to do next, how to live on after the betrayal of a loved one, only you decide. Women tend to give their partner another chance so as not to destroy the family. This decision requires strength of mind, but really loving man appreciate such generosity.
In any case, a frank conversation will bring certainty, which means relief. But if, after a difficult conversation, you decide to continue the journey "in the same boat", try not to fall into excessive suspicion, do not humiliate yourself or your partner with petty nit-picking.
However, not all women are able to forgive the humiliation and pain brought by the traitor. Psychologists say that the spectrum of negative emotions is associated with a sense of shame: you are ashamed to feel deceived.
You cannot forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be fooled. And to avoid a repetition of the situation, you prefer to simply avoid new relationships or the continuation of the previous ones.
In theory, the answer to the question of how to start trusting men again comes down to the need to forgive yourself for this mistake. You are a living person and you are not able to live an ideal life, and of course, you can make a mistake in someone.
But in life you should not avoid communication with the opposite sex. These are neighbors, work colleagues, anyone. Try to be friends with them. Perhaps learn to understand men better.
A big misconception in situations like this is the belief that you are now an unfortunate victim who has been deceived and betrayed. This is wrong.
To be happy or not is up to you.
It seems to me that this is the most difficult and, alas, not everyone succeeds. Learn to let go of what is no longer yours. It's not easy, but necessary.
If "your" man met a new love, let him be happy with her. Try not to accumulate old grievances, just draw conclusions and move on. Believe me, dragging a trail of negative emotions along with you is so hard that it simply will not allow you to move on.
So, in order to learn to trust the stronger sex again, I would advise:
Have you forgiven your husband, decided to save your family after his betrayal, are you starting life from a new leaf? Great! But why is it so restless in the soul, doubts and suspicions prevent you from enjoying family happiness? How to start trusting your husband again after cheating?
Marital infidelity causes severe heartache and disappointment, leaves a deep imprint on life. This is an experience, a memory of an event so traumatic for a woman that it can periodically pop up in various everyday situations, quarrels. How to restore trust after betrayal? How to treat your husband after everything that happened?
You should understand and accept the fact that it is impossible to keep the family atmosphere in its former form. The relationship between spouses goes to another level and that's normal.
The well-known psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky argues that married life, in which adultery is possible, is inherently flawed.
Betrayal, in fact, is a deception of a loved one, which begins with an elementary everyday lie.
You must admit that neither you nor your spouse can change the past. In fact, you have every right to feel resentment, disappointment, anger, but is it worth attaching so much importance to the fact from the "old life"? Do not notice the charm of today and the wonderful prospects ahead, remaining captive to your fears?
The only thing that is in our power is not to focus on the past, to take care of our soul and move forward, to build a strong connection, to strive for complete mutual understanding between partners. Trust after a cheating husband requires a long period of recovery. You won't rush to play football after breaking your leg, will you? Small but firm steps are needed to change the format of relations.
You don't have to fight your own feelings. It is necessary to restore spiritual intimacy with the chosen one. It is important to learn to openly discuss your experiences, hopes, desires with your partner. Without reproach, calmly and unhurriedly. Ask for advice, find out his point of view on the situation. Accept the fact that a loved one sees the world differently, because he has a different value system.
He probably feels your tension, but does not know what to do, how to regain your trust, he is afraid to start a conversation and hear reproaches for old sins. If a man’s declarations of love for you are sincere, the spouse regrets what he has done, feels guilty that he succumbed to temptation and hurt his beloved woman.
Faced with betrayal, a woman, as a rule, begins to look for the roots of all problems in herself, appearance, behavior, and character. But this is not always the right tactic. There can be many reasons for cheating. How to learn to trust your husband after infidelity?
It is a frank conversation with a beloved man that will help to understand the true motives, show weaknesses and points that you should pay special attention to.
As a rule, the phrase “I don’t believe it, I’m afraid of betrayal” indicates a wife’s low self-esteem, lack of confidence in her own attractiveness. Mikhail Labkovsky argues that no one has a lifetime guarantee of marital fidelity. How to live, knowing about this fact? How to be sure that he does not want to look for a replacement for you? The answer is simple.
People with decent self-esteem know their own worth and rely only on honest, open relationships. They do not hide in their own fears and complexes. It is much more effective to work on your self-esteem than to sort things out with a partner who has cheated on you before.
Women, don't follow the men you love. Watch yourself - then the beloved will watch you.
Therefore, first of all, it is worth considering how to learn to trust yourself again?
Tips from psychologist Maria Vinogradova on how to regain confidence in yourself, restore peace of mind and raise self-esteem:
Maria Vinogradova also recommends this technique: take a sheet of paper, divide it into two columns. Left - for a list of negative character traits and shortcomings. On the right side, write down your strengths and positive traits. Then tear off and burn the left side of the sheet, and fold the right side and carry it with you, for example, in a separate pocket of your wallet or handbag. Re-read and see how good you are.
In everyone there are moments of exacerbation of sensitivity, increased emotional arousal. Try to be patient. If you are worried about nervousness, excessive jealousy, it is best to seek help from an experienced psychotherapist. You can also get a doctor's advice and drink sedatives if necessary.
Know that you are a special, unique person with your pluses and minuses, this has its own charm. Do not try to fill the spiritual emptiness with children, problems of relatives and friends. Find out what exactly hurts, what are you really afraid of? The answer to all internal contradictions, as a rule, lies within ourselves.
Stop making yourself a victim, an unworthy sufferer. Do not blame anyone, reproaches will bring temporary relief, but will not solve the main problem, how to trust your husband after infidelity. Work on yourself, develop, learn to negotiate, understand each other, build trust.
Adultery is a symptom of more serious problems in a couple's relationship. A signal about the need to rethink one's own life, reassess values. Try to avoid emotional barriers in communication, become best friends for each other, establish a strong connection, then the relationship will move to a higher level and the question “how to trust your husband after infidelity” will disappear by itself.
But do not go to extremes, replacing love with psychological dependence. Your life, happiness, and self-worth have nothing to do with your partner's loyalty. The feeling of enjoying life is born inside, in positive thoughts. Be self-worth, respect your own interests and needs, do not get hung up on a man.
From the point of view of a spouse, if the wife, as the famous song says, “breathes and lives with you”, fills the whole space with thoughts about him so much that she simply displaces herself, becomes uninteresting.
Analyze your feelings and thoughts at the moment when you learned about the adultery of your loved one. Why did this news hurt you so much? Is it because you trusted too much, had some hopes and thus tried to transfer part of the responsibility for your fate and happiness into the hands of a partner? We make such mistakes unconsciously, trying to be behind him “like behind a stone wall”, while we ourselves become helpless, fall into psychological dependence on another person. Not every man can withstand such a heavy burden of responsibility.
In fact, a psychologically mature person is responsible for his actions and making important decisions on his own. For such a person, adultery is simply an unpleasant fact of life. It hurts, but the patient will live.
To an infantile, insecure person, adultery seems like a personal tragedy, a collapse, a confirmation of inferiority. Please note that the root of the problem in this case is not so much in the affair of the chosen one, but in the internal contradictions, complexes of the woman herself.
A confident person is ready to take a reasonable risk and gives the right to make a mistake. An insecure person believes that he must be perfect in everything - and therefore constantly marking time. — Andrey Yashurin
To understand how to regain trust, you must realize that family life- a double boat, the fate and success of which depends on the efforts of both rowers. Trust is an important part of love. Do not shift the responsibility to the chosen one. Of course, it is easier to be offended, a betrayed victim, to revel in pain, to be afraid of losing touch with your loved one. But at the same time, you are dealing with your fears, not solving the problem. Get off the accusatory position, let go of the past. Do not hold on to doubts, suspicions.
Live for today. Look in the mirror. Isn't such a sweet young lady worthy of love and respect? Love, appreciate yourself. Enjoy life, experiment with your own appearance. Find time for your own interests. A little healthy selfishness never hurt anyone.
Open to new knowledge and acquaintances. They will fill you with the lively energy of new experiences, help you get rid of negative thoughts. Be socially active, don't be afraid to take the initiative.
Look for inspiration. Do not forget to keep a “success diary”, to notice all the good things that happened during the day. We tend to focus on the negative while ignoring the bright side of life. It's time to change your picture of the world.
Watch your health, this is a guarantee of female attractiveness. Over time, even traumatic memories and doubts will seem frivolous, even comical. Remember that it's never too late to change. In addition, it is always pleasant and exciting to look for new facets of your own personality.
It is always difficult to believe those who deceive and clearly do not deserve it, but in life there are many examples of how faith works wonders and saves even the most shaky relationships, making them really an example for others. Of course, all this is not achieved in one day and it is not possible to make such a decision right away, but it is worth considering this approach, because making a decision on emotions is not the right way in life and it will not lead to anything good.
The article collects common problematic questions from women and gives answers to them, but everyone understands that this is only a small part of what you can actually face.
It is worth describing your problem in the comments to get good advice and only then make the final decision for yourself.
No matter what decision you make, it should be taken on a sober head, cooled down and calmed down.
Why did it happen? Maybe it's you, you stopped taking care of yourself, you stopped paying due attention to your husband, your head often hurts in the evenings. Try to erase it from your head, forget about it.
The husband, in turn, should envelop you with his attention like a cocoon, so that you feel like the only, most beloved and necessary.
Calm down, here's what to do to get started. You need to stop thinking about it all the time.
Since you have decided to stay together, then you are dear to him. It is unlikely that he will run for another skirt. To stop suspecting, get distracted.
Go headlong into work, find something to do, a hobby. In the end, no one canceled gatherings with girlfriends.
Worship a man, say how good he is, what a fine fellow. Remind him how much he loves you and you love him too, and what a strong family you have, what a wonderful future together.
A man should feel like a breadwinner, a master of life. Everyone knows “The wife is the neck, the husband is the head. Wherever the neck turns, the head looks there.
A man must be sure that it is he who manipulates his head and no one else.
Leave him the right to choose, because you must become a fragile woman who you want to look after. Never do for a man what he will do for himself.
