Divorce is stressful to say the least. Most women do not want to divorce their husband even if married life has become unbearable. Most people have thought about divorce at least once during their marriage. For some it is a constant threat, for others it is the only hope. If you avoid the thought of divorce or think about it every day, this article will help you figure it out.
Speaking of divorce, people are afraid of the following:
Naturally, there are purely individual reasons why a young lady prefers a bad marriage to calm loneliness. But there are times when it is simply necessary to leave. Otherwise, living together threatens to undermine the physical and psychological health of a beautiful person.
The first step in the divorce process is probably the most difficult step you will take: making a decision in general. How to understand that you need to divorce your husband?
These are the most compelling reasons, because dependent individuals become asocial over time, degrade and lose all ability to perform family functions. You definitely need to think about the offspring - what do you doom them to, forcing you to see your father in an inadequate state almost every day?
Beat - means love? Do not make me laugh. There is no such good reason in the world why a husband could raise his hand to his chosen one. The sooner the gap happens, the better for your health and life.
It is not known what is worse - physical abuse or daily moral abuse. If the satellite constantly insults, humiliates, ignores, then over time the passion will turn into one continuous lump of diseases. By mocking, the partner destroys the self-esteem of the second half, nurtures inferiority complexes, which leads to psychosomatic failures. A child (if any), seeing how his father treats his mother, makes his own complexes and problems with relationships in the future.
Should we turn a blind eye to treason? If adultery happened once, and if the companion sincerely repents, it is necessary. And if betrayal occurs openly and is accompanied by a complete disregard for the legitimate companion - why endure?
Yes, everyone can be unemployed at some point in their lives. You can understand it. But how to understand a person who does not want to go to work and lives quite calmly on the finances of a companion? Is it a reason for divorce?
Attention: these tips should be considered for those wives who do not face the weighty reasons for the breakup listed above.
How to decide on a divorce? Psychologists have a wonderful technique that is designed specifically for dealing with confusing situations. Especially in cases where the senses say one thing and the mind another.
The technique is called "Cartesian questions", which sound something like this:
Important: Beforehow to divorce your husband, a woman needs to look inside her soul, turn to her values,ask yourself how the current situation satisfies your deepest needs.
Often, when thinking about whether it is worth getting a divorce, a lady puts her financial situation in the first place. Many women have an insoluble dilemma - material or spiritual comfort.
There are only two exits here. The first is that a beautiful person takes responsibility for her life, becomes independent and financially independent. That is, she preferred love and sincerity to money.
The second - a person chooses money and comfort, but is forced to adapt and endure, depriving herself of a complete emotional experience. Is it necessary to suffer so much if life is one and it is better not to observe it, but to live it?
After carefully considering the previous questions and answers, you may be surprised to find that in order to eliminate the interfering factors in your married life, as well as to achieve your goals, it is really possible to do without a breakup. Because the main part of the positive factors that a person is so striving for are already present in life, he just does not see them.
While you have not yet decided to divorce your husband completely, there is a chance for a new start. Only for the start there is no need to radically change the partner. Just change your point of view. If you have reached such an awareness, then grab the chance and change yourself while you are still close to the former companion. Because with the new you will be forced to start from scratch. And there is no guarantee that the new version will be better.
Keep in mind that the other person may not be found. Especially when the requirements of a woman are too high, and among the representatives of the stronger sex there are very few ideal ones. Psychologists advise to become a philosopher - to sort out expectations and possibilities. Also believe in yourself, no matter what awaits you at the finish line.
So, what does a lady expect when she is ready to make a decision to divorce her husband? Of course, subconsciously, she is waiting for only one thing - a happy ending:
But let's return to reality and see how monstrously further events can disappoint a person:
So, sometimes a person is left with empty hands and a lonely soul. And complete despair comes when he realizes that the expectations were naive and stupid.
If the reflections did not lead to the final result, then think about this. Both at a young and at an advanced age, a married couple is connected by one very important thing - spiritual relationships. A huge role is played by proper communication, trust and intimacy, not only in bed, but also in spirit. If, thinking about whether to get a divorce or not, you did not find anything like that in your relationship, then there is no point in living together. The couple will suffer longing and loneliness with each other.
The inevitable approach of a break in steam feels intuitively. Sometimes this is determined by certain signs that are a warning. There are many cases where one of the couple had a premonition of an impending storm, but did not have enough reason to explain what was happening.
The first signal is limited communication between people. The partner suddenly becomes withdrawn, immersed in his personal experiences and does not want to share with his soulmate. Of course, such behavior is also inherent in a man in case of problems at work or with health (men's diseases, for example). Therefore, here the situation is still to be clarified, and isolation does not mean that it is worth getting a divorce.
But if the storm is indeed coming, then the development scenario is more or less clear. After immersing himself, the husband becomes more "cold" with his passion:
This stage is already well underway. It is, of course, possible to return relations to their former course, but it will not be very easy. After all, spouses behave like almost strangers.
But what if you want to save the relationship? In this situation, go to a psychologist. Although it happens - when one partner cools down, the other does the same. And this happens on its own. But here, too, there is a plus - the decision to leave will be deliberate, balanced and mutual.
About which psychologists are well aware - and do not know all the rest. How many divorces could be avoided if the husband and wife knew that their current quarrels and scandals are a regularity, and if you behave correctly, the relationship will only get better.
In their youth, many are sure that, having united with their beloved, they will always experience the same intoxicating feelings as at the beginning. And if this is not so - well, "love has passed"? Is it time to get divorced? And after all, they get divorced ... Without even assuming that relationships are completely different for a couple of twenty-year-olds at the time of falling in love and for a couple of thirty-five years old who have been married for ten years.
Yes, our feelings change. And relationships are constantly evolving. Despite the fact that they develop differently for all people, there are general patterns that psychologists know about. If unmarried/unmarried girls and boys keep this in mind, their expectations from each other will be more realistic. And those who have already created a family will be able to save it at a new stage of relations.
Once upon a time there were Katya and Vasya. They met in their third year at university when they were twenty years old. Now they are over thirty, they have been married for ten years, their son is eight. In general, this is a prosperous family, but the relationship between Katya and Vasya did not develop without difficulties.
When they met, and it was in the fall, they fell in love, as they say, at first sight. In the evenings they walked along the river, talked and never ceased to be surprised how much they had in common: their views on life, interests, tastes coincided. They liked almost the same books and movies. Even the attitude to food was the same. They dreamed about the near future, did not think more than a month ahead, spent a lot of time together.
When they got married at twenty-two, the feeling of complete unity - as if they were not two people, but one - continued for another six months. However real life interfered in their relationship.
Vasya was engaged in rowing, often went to training. This began to bother Katya, she did not object to the classes, but she began to reproach Vasya for not paying attention to herself. Now they often talked about who would shop, who would clean the apartment. There were no major quarrels, but the former idyll disappeared.
When they graduated from the university, Vasya began working in a large design bureau. Katya was at home with the child. She could not complain that her husband did not help her. Vasya was very happy about his fatherhood. Still, Katya was worried that Vasya was spending too much time away from home. He did not quit sports, he began to think about graduate school, began to study in evening courses in English. Long hours spent on the Internet, and it's on Saturday!
Katya's mood was almost constantly unimportant. Now she was afraid of losing Vasya, but she did not reproach him for anything. She kept waiting for the old relationship to return.
One day, Katya met an old friend and heard an impartial remark from her: why do you look bad, how can you let yourself go like that - and you got fat, and the trousers are no longer modern, they are no good. These words, of course, hurt Katya, but they also helped to change her lifestyle: she began to take care of her appearance, go on excursions, and began to think about returning to work. Her life stopped revolving around Vasya alone, her own interests appeared.
Changes in the life strategy did not go unnoticed: Vasya stayed at home on Saturday, left the computer for a while. There was a new convergence.
But a year later, Katya again had doubts. She even suspected that Vasya had a hobby on the side. She couldn't know for sure, but... She grieved, even cried. And then she suddenly noticed that one colleague was looking at her differently from the others. They didn’t have anything serious, but Katya began to take care of herself more carefully before going to work, and wore a new suit with pleasure.
IN family life the period of rapprochement has come again. Vasya no longer went to courses in the evenings - he successfully completed them. The son pleased with his funny words. It cannot be said that Katya's husband became a homebody: he had his own circle of friends for a long time, he also went on business trips. Katya took this calmly, perhaps because she herself began to live more actively - she went to a fitness club, there is not only training, but also communication.
Katya could now go to the theater without her husband, to visit. And what? If he is constantly busy, do not bury yourself. However, together with Vasya, they also spent time, and there were enough things to do at home. The couple did not reproach each other for anything. Everyone became more self-confident, took care of their professional and personal growth, they were well balanced between "I" and "we".
By the age of 32, relationships have become stronger and more stable than 10 years ago. In any case, Katya had no fear that she was losing her husband. Now she knew all his strengths and weaknesses and remembered that if he was distracted from the family, then he would definitely return to taking care of her. Katya felt that Vasya needed her. Now their intimacy was completely different from that of youth. She became qualitatively different.
The relationship between Katya and Vasya has undergone changes corresponding to the stages of development of marriage, which psychologists call:
This is a great time to feel the heat. "I fell in love with him head over heels", "We are one." Stage goal symbiosis- the formation of a strong attachment. The similarity between two lovers is extolled, the differences are not noticed. Passions are heated, the degree of concern for each other is high, mutual "give" and "take" flourish.
Requirements for a partner are minimal. Usually each makes an effort to accommodate and please the other. Everyone enjoys caring for the other and feels great care for themselves. So the relationship gets a solid foundation.
Once this foundation is established, one can move on to the next stage of marriage, differentiation. If not, then the couple can stay in a state of symbiosis for a long time, but such a union threatens to become inharmonious. There will be a tendency to merge, to absorb one personality into another, to downplay differences. The opposite behavior is also possible - outright hostility, anger, conflicts, that is, relationships like "two prisoners in one cell."
The very word differentiation(from lat. differentia - difference, difference) means division, distinction, ability to distinguish. At this stage, partners begin to notice that they both feel and think a little differently. This is the time of "removing the deity from the pedestal."
The couple feels that they no longer want to spend so much time together, each has a desire to be alone with himself, which can cause feelings of guilt. "What happened? Why don't I feel the way I used to with this person anymore?" But the feeling of guilt arises completely in vain. The desire to be alone, even without a loved one, is extremely necessary for everyone who wants to develop, to know himself.
Each of us was created not only for our partner. At this stage, spouses listen more to their own needs. If we want other people to take us seriously, we need to value our needs and pay attention to them.
Now it is very important for partners to learn how to talk to each other about their needs. When we don't ask for what we want or what we need, we devalue ourselves.
Perhaps we have been taught that it is impolite or inappropriate to talk about ourselves. But if we do not do this, then unsatisfied desires and needs will certainly return and interfere with the successful development of relationships. The matter may end with the fact that we get angry, we become indignant. Or we will start punishing someone for the fact that he or she did not guess, did not read our minds. Intimacy, intimacy is possible only when both partners can talk about what they want, what they need.
We can help ourselves in this work if we repeat the following statements (it is good to write them by hand):
“Today, I will respect my own wants and needs and the wants and needs of others. I will tell myself, others, and even God what I want and need. And I will listen carefully and understand what they want others and what they need."
For some, differentiation is a slow and gradual process, for others it is a period of violent collapse of hopes, the collapse of illusions.
Practice- this is the stage of relationships when a person's energy is directed to activity that is not related to a partner. At the same time, partners can make new acquaintances. They are already less inclined to catch each other's desires. Everyone focused on themselves, and their attention is now directed to the outside world.
For a couple, the main thing now is independence, autonomy, individualization. The development of one's self becomes more important than the development of close relationships. Conflicts can arise between partners, and reconciliation again leads to short-term emotional rapprochement.
After each of the partners has clearly defined his individuality, realized himself outside the family, he has a need for intimacy, emotional nourishment, and psychological support. The couple is now committed to renewing friendly relations.
Vulnerability is exacerbated again. Partners are looking for a comfortable relationship, support each other. Periods of happy intimacy give way to periods of regaining independence. Despite occasional anxiety and friction in relationships, conflicts are resolved more quickly and discussion of difficulties becomes possible. A reasonable balance is established between "I" and "we". There is a deep marital bond, constancy.
Now each of the partners was convinced that he was loved. Interdependence- a phase of further strengthening of constancy. The time has come for stability in relationships, when the image of the perfect chosen one - idealized and impossible - is peacefully replaced by the real image of the spouse.
Two individuals who have resolved doubts about self-worth, who have had the opportunity to express themselves in the outside world, find satisfaction in life together. There is deep affection and mutual satisfaction. Relationships develop more in the direction of growth and improvement of "we" than "I".
The stages we have described are characteristic of normal, healthy intimate relationships. It is good when both partners go through all stages of development at the same time, almost simultaneously. Difficulties increase if one partner is still living in the stage of symbiosis, while the other has already entered the phase of differentiation. Conflicts escalate when one of them still wants to prove himself in the outside world, to realize all his abilities, while the other is eager to resume close relations.
Remember when Katya had the hardest time? When Vasya began to spend more time outside the home, and she, fascinated by the symbiotic relationship, could not bear the separation. He was already finishing the period of differentiation, ready to start practicing (learning a foreign language, studying in graduate school), and Katya was still waiting for the same kisses and hugs. But after meeting a friend in Katya's life, a turning point occurred, she began to grow rapidly as a person, and the relationship of the spouses was not slow to improve.
The family is a system. Changes in one link immediately affect the state of others. Saying "I will change when he changes his attitude towards me" is a dead end path. Change yourself, your behavior, and he (she) will definitely respond. It cannot help but react, because you are links in the same chain.
Even in prosperous families there are difficult periods when the family has not yet broken up, but is already on the verge of divorce. What is the right way to act in this situation? If possible, it is advisable to go to a family psychologist who will help you deal with your situation. An individual approach is better than general advice. But, if your soul mate does not recognize such therapy, you can try to figure it out yourself, relying on the advice of the same psychologists.
Hello! Please help, I'm at a crossroads. I am 32 years old. I have been married for 10 years. Husband is 15 years older. At the beginning of my life together, I admired him - he knew he became interesting, he always fulfilled all my desires, praised him - in general he carried it in his arms, as they say. Over the past few years, relations have changed significantly due to constant conflicts. Moreover, quarrels from scratch, on domestic grounds, which end with the fact that he says: "If something does not suit you, you can leave" (his mother's apartment, and we live with her (she is 71 years old)). I really want to fulfill his "request", but we have a child growing up - 8 years old, for whom a divorce will certainly be a blow. Tolerate next to a constantly dissatisfied person is also no longer strong enough. He constantly has conflicts with others, even with his mother he talks from the position you are stupid, narrow-minded, and I am smart. Where does this craving for guiding notes come from? He is a simple senior storekeeper at a wholesale warehouse. I weighed all the pros and cons, but so far it turns out 50/50, since these are the costs of a rented apartment, it will be necessary to hire a nanny for the child (so he is after school with his grandmother). Of course, the financial side holds more. Help make the right decision.
Hello Alena!
The final decision is yours and yours alone. To do this, listen to yourself, understand how you feel in relation to your husband?
Alena, building a harmonious family is a matter that requires great mutual efforts, and responsibility for relationships is shared between spouses 50/50. Waiting for the husband to change can be a very long time. If you still decide to stay with your husband, start changing yourself. The family system is like communicating vessels, if filling occurs on one side, on the other it happens automatically. You write that the husband is trying to assert himself as a man, the head of the family. Perhaps he does it not very efficiently and environmentally. Help him with this, start admiring him again, as before, only sincerely. Perhaps in this situation it is not easy to do this, but your family happiness is at stake. Surely there is something that the husband does well. Find these sides of him, even if it seems like a trifle to you. Where we send energy is what we grow. Cultivate good qualities in your husband with your attention, let him understand his importance in the family, show it to your child, and your husband will thank you with a good attitude towards you. Just remember, you, too, must feel your worth as a woman, as a wife. Become interesting to yourself, cultivate self-love, value yourself, and from this position of value, interact with your husband, making it clear that he is no less valuable to you. And then your family is doomed to a happy harmonious relationship.
Now you can find many books and articles on the development of self-love and self-worth. It will be even more effective to contact a psychologist to work out the above points. Willing to work with you in person.
All the best!
Perfilyeva Inna Yurievna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don
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Help make the right decision.
Health to you and joy!
Trotsenko Natalya Yurievna, psychologist Vladikavkaz
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Hello Alena! You and your husband have a significant age difference. He is now 47 years old. And you live with his mom and he has big ambitions.
This suggests that your quarrels arise partly due to his unfulfillment in life. Perhaps he does not feel that he has realized his potential and this hurts his ego. Therefore, he takes out his complexes on you. Secondly, living with his mother also speaks of his dependence on her. At this age, the family lives separately from both parents. Think, Alena, about your feelings for your husband. What do you feel about him? This is important because you hesitate. But leaving the family only because of financial difficulties is not the best choice.
You say that he used to carry you in his arms. What has changed since then? After all, for sure, something preceded the situation, after which you had quarrels and his general dissatisfaction. It is difficult to clarify such a family history on the basis of a single letter. Perhaps you should consult a psychologist. I also work with similar problems. In any case, you should analyze your relationship with your husband and find the starting point after which your relationship began to deteriorate. The view of a psychologist will help you understand this situation.
All the best to you, Alena
Ershova Maria Mayevna, consultations in the format of a real meeting and Skype
Good answer 6 bad answer 1Dear readers, this article will be of interest to you if there is a desire "I want to divorce my wife." You will find out what reasons most often provoke men to the occurrence of such a thought. You will learn why wives may not agree to a divorce. Learn how to act if there is a joint child.
Not always the desire to divorce is justified. Often the reason may turn out to be frivolous, and the solution to the problem is affordable and without parting.
Reasons to divorce your wife are different. Some of them are minor, having thought everything over well, you can fix everything, while others are very serious - divorce is the only way out.
It is extremely rare for a wife to immediately agree to a divorce. Agrees in cases where she herself thought about it. Let's look at what reasons can force a woman to fight for her marriage.
For many men, the presence of children prevents the desire to leave the family. They continue to endure, to make concessions - all so that the baby does not suffer. Therefore, it is necessary to repeatedly consider your decision whether to divorce. But you need to understand that a family that exists only for the sake of a common child cannot be considered normal. In such cases, it is possible that the psychological trauma will be more severe if the parents stay together rather than divorce.
While maintaining a marriage, quarrels may constantly occur in your family, an unhealthy situation will be observed.
What can be fraught with for a child to save a family for his sake:
Considering the above, you should be aware that not always the preservation of a marriage will have a better effect on the psyche of a child than its dissolution.
In order for your separation to be the least painful for the kids, it is necessary to talk to them before filing a divorce. Your task is to convince children that:
In this situation, it is important that the divorce from his wife takes place amicably, without scandals and hatred. Otherwise, the spouse will begin to set the children against you, will forbid you to see them.
You made a decision, informed your wife about it, she gives the go-ahead, what to do next?
When making such a fateful decision, you must think it over carefully. Make sure that there really is no way to compromise, and that the reason for the divorce is serious. Remember that you need to think about how the children will feel, but you should not stay with your wife just for the sake of them.
