How to communicate with an ex-husband if feelings are still alive and there are joint child?
Oh what a difficult question. You can say this: fate sent you a difficult test. Not only do you need to go through the pain of betrayal, the feeling of being useless, go through the feeling of abandonment, but also strangle your pride (torment: “Instead of me they preferred another”, “She is better”), and this is almost unbearable for the fragile “I” . You can try to pass on your own, or you can apply for psychological help. I want to tell you how the help of a psychologist can be useful.
First you need to recognize the fact that you are no longer loved and all the delights of love go to another. You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards ex-husband until you go through all the stages of a painful breakup.
All these bitter feelings can be experienced, weep, grieve, but ... alone. And it is best now not to know or hear anything about him, about the former. And here you have to communicate, because there is a joint child and you, like a normal mother, do not want to act to the detriment of the baby and deprive him of his father.
I can write a lot of advice on how to behave with the former, how not to drop your dignity in him and, most importantly, in your own eyes. And even offer you a psychological consultation. But will it help you when your heart hurts, resentment eats from the inside, and your own unsettled life adds fuel to the fire of pain?
By no effort of will you can completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband and, accordingly, your behavior until you go through all the stages of a painful separation. I foresee your reaction: “How long can you go through a breakup? I've already gotten over my pain." So, if you experienced it, then the question of how to behave would not arise. It would not throw you from one extreme to another.
What happened to you and your family is a real tragedy, and there is no need to downplay and devalue the power of your experiences. But you did not truly let your husband go to another woman, did not accept his betrayal, you tried, but in reality you did not forgive him.
The path to true forgiveness is not easy. And with the help of some beliefs and reasonable explanations, it is impossible to come to it. Only after living through all the pain and finding in yourself the internal correspondences of the situation, accepting everything and forgiving everyone, you will be able to forgive your husband.
By not breaking up with him, you do not allow other men to enter your life. Every time you struggle with your feelings, you waste your energy, and then you have no strength left for anything else. You need to see and realize the harm you are doing to yourself and your life, to recognize your helplessness and the powerlessness of trying to change anything and gain control over yourself. Only then can you start your journey.
What is happening now? You do not give up the idea that you can influence yourself and the situation. You are asking for an algorithm of actions that will help you build the tactics of your behavior. But I'm sure you know perfectly well how you need to behave, hence all your attempts to accept and forgive, to pretend that nothing happened ... fatigue and anger - because there is pain inside you. You are fighting with yourself. And this is the road to nowhere.
It's hard for me to say briefly what to do. There are exercises and meditations that trigger the experience of grief. But you will have to experience painful feelings yourself. My help as a psychologist is only to support and help in choosing a direction, in explaining some things. But your feelings for you, I will not live.
My 6 month program and is designed to support in such a situation. Working in a group helps you fully live your pain, and the feeling of similarity with the fate of other women will strengthen you. Lets you know that you are not alone in this situation.
At the end of September will begin.
Sign up for a group, and together with you we will begin a difficult path of experiences, following which you will discover a lot of interesting, useful, although at times, perhaps, unpleasant.
So, how to behave with an ex-husband correctly?
1. Try to talk to him only about the child. Do not ask him about business, about life and do not tell about yourself. Even if he is interested. Try to be gentle with the answer. Getting involved in communication, you give him your energy, and thereby attach yourself to him, and you absolutely do not need this. Save your strength for yourself. Don't feed your ex with your energy.
2. Try to emotionally distance yourself when communicating with him. Step back. Don't get involved in conversations. Be polite, but no more. If you can keep your interactions with him to a minimum, do it.
Although, apparently, it is still important for you to see him, you want to look into his eyes, to understand whether he is happy. And all these questions arise... Are you significant to him? Did he love you? Is it bored? Does he regret the past? Does he want to return?
3. Do not ask the child about the father, about conversations between them, do not try to find out information about the ex-husband.
4. Do not forbid the former partner to see the child, but the transfer of the child must be done in the way you want. Don't try to be comfortable and a good, understanding ex-wife.
5. Don't let him know that you love and are waiting for him. Do not show or prove to him that you have no one. But do not do the opposite, demonstrating the presence of another man in your life. Be impervious to him. Let him know nothing about you.
6. This is the most difficult and difficult moment. Try not to forbid him to invite the child to a new family. I know that it is very difficult and difficult to allow a child to spend time not only with his father, but also with his woman. This is not an easy test.
But if you can let go of your husband, then this item will become feasible for you. The fact is that the new darling may turn out to be a jealous lady, she may begin to put forward her conditions to the man. She is unlikely to like that she does not take part in the life of a partner. And then it can affect the frequency of meetings between the father and the child.
Therefore, if this has happened in your life, let your child become richer - find another family and experience a different relationship model.
Maybe soon you will create a new union, and the child, communicating with members of both families, will grow up in a healthier environment.
Although I understand that these are only the right words. And having lost a husband, it is almost unbearable to share a child with him, especially if he is the only one. But still, probably not immediately, but allow this thought.
7. Try not to discuss the already ex-husband in the presence of a child - he will not understand your pain, but will only get confused in the situation. After all, he loves both you and his father, and you are both dear to him. There is no need to create a persecutor-victim-rescue triangle where you play the role of the victim. And don't make the child your lifesaver. Subsequently, all this will go sideways for him.
If you have a daughter, then you will form a not quite correct image of a man in her, and it will be difficult for her to trust a man, to love her chosen one. If you have a son, then his identification with men may suffer, which will then affect his ability to earn money and be successful.
Yes, and you yourself ... The more you think and talk about your husband, the more involved in these relationships. And they are already in the past for you, which you need to let go! Don't create an emotional funnel that will be very difficult for you to get out of later.
If you still love your husband, then most likely you want him back, and the hope of a reunion does not let go of Wax. What to do in this situation? Trying to get your ex back or not? Should any action be taken for this?
There are no recipes that are equally suitable for everyone. But here you are in danger of immersing yourself in your expectations and hoping in vain for the return of your husband and thus losing several years, or even many years of your life. Of course, if you decide for yourself that you no longer want to have any business with men and the memories of the former are more than enough for you, then this approach is quite acceptable. But if, nevertheless, you do not want to spend your whole life in unjustified expectations and hopes, then set a period for yourself, for example, one year. Tell yourself if after a year your husband does not return, then you will cut him out of your life and will learn to live without him.
One year is enough to choose your path. And if the ex-husband lived for a year with another woman, then I think the chances of his return and generally greatly decreased. Although life has its own rules, and here nothing can be unambiguously stated.
You can really wait one year, but then start building your life without an ex. And I would strongly recommend you not just to wait for his return, but to take care of yourself, your inner world, your soul. In any case, you have to go through a breakup, even if there is hope for the return of a partner.
If you cannot internally part with him, let him go, then all your attempts to return him are most likely doomed to failure. You can return someone only if in your soul you let go of this person and survived all the pain of betrayal and parting. If this did not happen, it means that you have not changed internally, and therefore, your relationship, even if your husband returns, will remain the same.
After parting with a man, reduce the importance of your desire to return him, trust the space of your destiny. It will be what is best for you.
Hope for the worst, and the best will come.
I have listed the general rules, but each woman finds her own patterns of behavior. But most importantly, always remember the interests of the child, try not to inflate, (not pride) and, of course, do not forget about yourself. Maybe your husband left you, taking care of your soul, so that you turn to yourself and begin to treat yourself differently. Or maybe he made space for something or someone. Emptiness has one remarkable property to be filled. And maybe after a while you will be grateful to your ex-husband for what he did to you.
With love,
Irina Gavrilova Dempsey
Your husband was previously married. So, his advantage is the experience of living together, he has already learned a lot. But there is a significant minus attached to the experience - ex-wife.
When a relationship ends, theoretically each partner says to the other, "Thank you for the time we spent together," and leaves to move on with their lives.
In practice, things are not so rosy. It often happens that, despite the new family of a man, the ex-wife still needs him.
She calls at any time of the day, writes SMS, regularly asks for help in minor repairs, often seeks his help and support. And he presents an iron argument: "After all, we have children." At the same time, it is obvious that she is manipulating her ex-husband.
And the new wife feels like she has been relegated to the background. Just like in a harem: although the husband prefers the second wife, the first one has the status of a more important woman and still pulls all the strings.
If you are in this situation, then you know that it is very difficult. Let's listen to the advice of a psychologist on how you can improve your relationship.
You have the feeling that you live in a triangle: your needs are relegated to the background, the needs of the former are in the first place. You feel uncomfortable, for example, because you cannot plan anything, because the phone will ring half an hour before going out to your friends. This is the former asking her partner: “Helen needs to see a dentist, and there is no one to take her” or “A master should come to me to repair the refrigerator, but I can’t at this time, please look after him.”
The ex-wife not only plans his life, destroys plans and dictates decisions, but also emotionally blackmails him, always letting him know that now she is a lonely, poor, unhappy woman with children who is unable to cope with many things herself.
Does he really not see this or does not understand what an absurd position he puts you in. Gradually, you start to get tired of all this, and quite rightly so! You have the right to fight for your happiness!
Often she does not want to come to terms with parting, and sometimes she simply dreams that her husband will pay a very high price for a divorce. Many women subconsciously want to punish their partner for the fact that their family broke up. Others are afraid that he will associate himself with another and will invest resources and time in her, which means that he will pay much less attention to the old family.
There are exes who make life difficult for the “new” out of spite, envy, or saving their self-esteem by demonstrating who really shuffles the deck. The first wives believe that they always remain the first.
Psychologists see it this way.
new wife: I know that you have children, you are a good father, I will support you. It is only natural that you have a past and it will affect our lives, but try not to let it destroy our future.
Man: I am glad that you understand this, I will try so that my former duties do not interfere with my current life. I want to take care of you too.
Ex-wife: Our children will always be ours, we will cooperate for their benefit, but at the same time, let each of us live our own lives.
What makes men so malleable to the influence of an ex-wife, why do they allow themselves to be manipulated? Can they not understand all this? What are they so afraid of? Psychologists attribute this to several factors.
He believes that once he got married, he tied himself to her forever. After a divorce, the sense of responsibility for another person does not go anywhere. It also matters why and under what circumstances the partners broke up.
The more he believes that the divorce was due to him, the stronger the feeling of guilt. Fulfillment of instructions, various signs of attention and constant help in difficult situations is a kind of tribute that he pays ex-wife because he ruined her life. And in addition to emotions in relation to the new partner, he still feels something for the previous one.
Many men still have not completed previous relationships. They would like to have both. In particular, they are flattered that two women need them at once.
At one time, something good was connected with this woman, so he wants to continue to help her. At the same time, he does not understand that he is emotionally hurting his new wife.
Although he sometimes believes that he is not obliged to run at the first call of the former, the situation is presented to him as necessary for children. For example, the ex asks to look after the baby, because she leaves to meet her girlfriends. Whose need is it: a child or a woman? The child, of course, is always happy to see dad. But this does not mean that in the absence of his mother, he cannot be left to the nanny, especially if the father has any plans for this time.
However, ex-wives often present this as an opportunity to meet the child: “How! Don't you want to spend some time with your son or daughter?!" When the question is put in this way, few of the fathers think about whether it is he who really should help, or whether the help of someone else would be enough: grandmother, neighbor, friend, nanny. If there is someone to leave the child to, then the call of the father of the baby satisfies the needs of the ex-wife in order to solve her own problem.
The man was used to the fact that although he was the head of the family, the wife was his neck, giving orders and distributing roles. Therefore, he automatically acts according to the usual scheme: "I receive the task and carry it out." It is good if the new wife relieves him of this automatism and shows that his help is not required, and sometimes it simply does not make sense.
He is ready to respond to every call and tries his best - unfortunately, sometimes to the detriment of a new family. He is afraid that if the ex refuses, she will not let him meet with the children and will denigrate him in their eyes. Women sometimes act in such dirty ways.
The ex-wife is not going anywhere, especially if there are children in a previous marriage. But you can build a relationship with her in a way that is comfortable for you. Try it!
First of all, you should come to terms with the fact that your man has ceased to be the husband of another woman, but has not ceased and will never cease to be a father and have obligations towards his children. And the well-being of children is always the number one priority.
But this does not mean that you need to agree to everything that the ex-wife dictates. On the contrary, you have the right to say what the problem is. Do not let yourself be drawn into disputes between them. A new relationship is established between a man and his ex-wife, not you. Don't call, don't text, keep your distance. Never let your husband turn around and leave with the words: "Agree among yourselves, girls."
When your ex-wife first interferes with your plans, such as calling your husband when you go to visit, show understanding and compassion. React in accordance with his expectations, say: "Yes, darling, of course you must go." But also add: "I understand that this is an exceptional situation, and you, as a father, cannot do otherwise."
The second time, ask directly: “Listen, is this really so important, is your help really needed?” If that doesn't stop him, let him go. The third time, no creativity is needed, keep your distance, don't say anything. He will notice this and ask what is happening.
This is a good introduction to a conversation in which you "confess" and try to protect yourself. Talk about what hurts you. Your husband may not realize that this situation hurts you. Men are far from masters in guessing a woman's mood.
Do not hide that you are having a hard time. But do not dictate how he should behave, what his ex should or should not do. This is not your area. First of all, talk about yourself: what problems did you have, and how did you imagine this relationship. This is the only way you have a chance to win. You have the right to voice your emotions and offer some solutions.
The task of a man is to complete previous relationships, break emotional addiction. If he sets boundaries beyond which the ex-wife is not allowed to go, she will be forced to comply with them.
Ask him to pay more attention to your plans - do not change them in half an hour. Agree that you change plans only when faced with a real crisis situation.
Plan ahead for the rest of your parenting responsibilities, and remember that you have a say in that planning too! Tell him that you also really need him, let your husband feel responsible for your relationship, because you are important too! Let him know that if he does not do something, then your living together may be seriously harmed.
Calmly help your spouse understand that some things are the task of his ex's new partner. Some things only a father can do - for example, take care of a sick child, work with a son who is not good at math, or go to cheer for him at competitions. Others - for example, servicing a car or seeing a refrigerator repairman - is also the task of a partner. But it's new!
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Don't annoy
So, for starters, remember that men do not like being reminded a hundred times. Therefore, if you know that your boyfriend, brother or friend is not forgetful, you should not remind him of the dress a hundred times. He himself knows perfectly well what exactly he needs to do and will do everything when he has the opportunity. But if you constantly buzz over your ear, repeating that he must immediately run away and do everything that you need, then most likely you will get the young man so that he will either not do anything to spite you, or will do, but more help you don't ask him.
So what do you do when you need to do something urgently? To begin, immediately say that the matter is urgent and explain why. Moreover, remember that your arguments really should be weighty. For example, if you say that you need to move the closet right now, because you want it so much, then the man is unlikely to run to fulfill your request. But if you explain that the last five hundred rubles fell behind the closet, and you are late for work, then the young man is all but he will tear himself away from his affairs and help you.
Don't Compare
Never say something in the style of "But you do it to Anya, but not to me." In order to reproach, you need to know why the young man helped someone, and did not help you in the same situation. Most often, a man helps in the case when he is sure that the girl really cannot do it herself. For example, he will go to a friend to reinstall the operating system, because she does not understand this at all, but she will never do the same for her sister, who is a programmer by profession, and she is simply too lazy or wants attention. So, before comparing, think about why exactly the guy does this. Most likely, he simply does not see the rational grain in your request. Although many women are used to arguing everything with the phrase: “I’m a girl, guys should help me in everything,” in fact, such an argument does not always work on men. And by the way, they are absolutely right. Why should a guy leave his affairs (even if they seem unimportant to us) and run to help for any reason, if the girl herself can handle everything quite well? The stronger sex, he is certainly strong, but still not a servant and not a slave.
Be clear about your requests
Another problem that constantly haunts girls in situations where they ask for help from young people is the lack or unwillingness to say everything clearly. Women love to hint and wait for a man to understand everything. Will not understand! Their thinking is different. It doesn't even occur to them to hint at anything. Therefore, they often do not see hints point-blank, and then they do not understand why this lady “pouted” again and does not want to talk.
When you want to ask for help, formulate your requests clearly and precisely. That is, if, for example, you need to help with repairs at home, you don’t need to talk about the fact that “it would be nice to re-paste the wallpaper, but there’s no one to do it, but you really want something new.” Speak clearly and clearly: “I need to replace the wallpaper in the room, I can’t do it myself, please help. I would like to start on Tuesday, can you or can we set another day? In this case, a man sees a clear task in front of him that he needs to solve, and not a free topic, which he can generally ignore, since no one has addressed him.
Learn to explain reasons
There are some requests that seem like a male whim, and you really can not do without help. In this case, you need to explain to the guy that although it looks funny and strange, but you are not just attracting attention, you are not lazy, you really can’t. For example, there are people who are terrified of heights, even if they climb on a stool. Such a girl, as it were, does not force herself, but she cannot even simply remove the curtains. If she just asks a guy for help, he, of course, does not take it seriously, because others manage in such a situation without help. But if she explains to him intelligibly and without tantrums, admits that this is not normal, and that she is struggling with her fear, but she does not succeed, then the guy will definitely come to the rescue, even if he will tease her at the same time. You should not be offended at such behavior at all, because for you the main thing is the result, and even more so, sometimes you need to be able to laugh at yourself.
Learn by yourself
In fact, men rarely refuse to help when they know that a woman will not cope. Only the last fool will not help carry the bags or do the purely masculine work around the house. But guys often ignore requests in cases where the girl does not want to study. For example, a man has already shown and explained to her dozens of times how to install this or that program, but it is fundamentally not for her to learn this and every time she asks him for help. In such cases, guys rarely succumb to persuasion, because they believe that if a person fundamentally does not want to be able to do something, then you should not help him. After all, if you don’t help a few times, the girl will learn by herself. So if you notice this behavior in yourself, think about how to change it. And if the guy does not agree to any, promise him that now you will really learn from him, and there will be no more such requests. Just remember that you really have to keep your promise, because next time he will certainly not help. If you start doing something yourself, and he sees that you are really trying, he will definitely tell you and guide you so that everything works out for you as well as possible. Men love it when others put in the effort rather than hoping someone else will come along and do it for them.
Praise the men
If you ask a man for something, you do not need to be resentful. You should not act as if your problems are much more important than his. Especially if it's a brother or friend. Yes, you are relatives, you are close people, but this does not mean that a guy should rush to your aid for any reason. Therefore, if the matter is not urgent, let him choose a free hour to come and do everything. And, of course, do not forget to praise and thank. Never take a man's help for granted. Remember that because of you, he canceled some of his affairs, albeit frivolous for you. Therefore, when you ask a guy for help, often remind him of how strong, mature and courageous he is, how lucky you are that you have him. You can even admire a little, just don’t go too far, because not all men like increased interest in their person. Just when you ask for help, show with your appearance that you are very happy about his attention to your problems and be sure to repay him with the same coin when a young man will turn to you with a request for some kind of service.
Good afternoon, wonderful readers! Many women are sure that asking their husband for something is arrogant, humiliating, ugly and risky. They try to fulfill all their desires on their own. They try to be strong and independent... Which can already destroy relationships. And some - sometimes turn to a man for help, but hear a refusal. Simply because they could not submit their request gently and competently. After reading this article, you will understand how to ask a man for something so that he will gladly fulfill your request.
This topic has been discussed in detail in online training "Secrets of a happy marriage"(I recommend it if you want to improve your relationship). There I realized that I was doing wrong, reducing all my requests to a minimum. Of course, going to extremes and bombarding your spouse with crazy requests is not worth it. But regularly contacting him with small desires is not only possible, but also necessary. It's not humiliating. There is no arrogance here. This is not manipulation. Not cheating. Not pettiness. This is necessary for both of you.
Now you understand how important it is to learn how to ask your man for help like a woman? Financial and not only?
I myself, accustomed to independence from childhood, found it very difficult to reconsider my views. But it was worth it! And now I am very glad that I decided to take this step.
This art can be learned! You just need to remember the basic rules:
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