Now the percentage of successful and long marriages. Every day, the media announces new divorces and separations of such seemingly wonderful couples. Yes, and in our own home, we catch ourselves thinking about all the delights of freedom. What happens, the risk of divorce hangs over every home?! But is the decision to leave the family always a balanced and deliberate one? How often is it just an impulse that breaks destinies and relationships that have been built over the years? Is it possible to overcome the impulse and return to the family, to the wife?
Relationships are said to be like a finely crafted china bowl that cannot be repaired after a crack. Like, a chip will always be noticeable and, therefore, relations will no longer be the same. The departure of a spouse causes, first of all, a strong resentment, which is difficult to erase from memory. At the level of reflexes, readiness for a quarrel, scandal and parting for an encore is accumulating. If you leave your family once, you can lose your pass here. Is the game worth the candle? What should be done if a couple divorced in the heat of the moment and regrets it?
It is worth assessing the situation when feelings subsided somewhat and it turns out to think sensibly. Alas, many during this time manage to acquire a new family. In that case, return to ex-wife fraught with pain for several women. The current wife must decide on her attitude to treason. Is she ready to forgive this and accept the prodigal husband into the family? The situation, of course, is complex and nervous, but despair should not be allowed if there is at least a chance for the normalization of relations.
Maybe some of the advice of people in white coats will seem like demagoguery, but in fact the truth is in peace. You need to be friends with your ex. If you understand his motivation and his desires, then you can make contact and communicate on neutral topics. Men (as well as women) have a negative attitude towards pleas and open flattery. You can feel sorry for a person who sincerely wants you back, but is it worth wanting him?
Often marriage makes a woman too domestic. Parting can be regarded as an incentive to change, dye your hair, get a new haircut, change your wardrobe. Even the great Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin said wonderful words that “we are liked by those whom we do not love”. So why not repeat the technique and portray some indifference to the object of your passion? The ex-husband must feel that his wife can slip away, and want to win her back. If the marriage lasted a long time, then the wife has all the trump cards in her hands, she knows her husband inside and out, understands him and guesses his desires. Subservience is not an option, but understanding is the right course of action when a husband wants to return to his wife after a divorce.
It is worth returning to the former only when it is clearly visible that a mistake was made and the gap was hasty. Emotions should go away, negativity should disappear. If the quarrel was trifling, then the reason may be completely forgotten. You should not remember it and once again try to put everything in its place.
Past memories will help to establish contact with his wife. Retrieve old photos and videos, retrieve letters and remember old friends. Surely, over the years of marriage, the husband and wife have forgotten their former selves, and in order to save the family, you can try to remember everything.
Dating can and should be done at any age. Remember how you ran to each other in your spare time? So let it be so now. You can save a family if you revive feelings. Even if the former passion does not flare up, tenderness and sincere warmth will wake up. It is worth reliving previous emotions in order to re-evaluate the relationship.
Getting over a breakup is hard, but it's even harder to decide to get back into a relationship. If former spouse wants to return, then there can be a lot of reasons. In fact, this is the moment when you need to decide on further work on yourself. Is it worth it to adopt a prodigal spouse into the family? Yes, it is worth it, if you clearly understand that this is the best choice. There are many reasons for divorce, but not all of them indicate betrayal. Was there a betrayal? Maybe a prolonged stagnation in the intimate sphere is to blame? Was there a long period of depression? What was the signal for its beginning?
Men themselves sometimes cannot figure out their motives for divorce. It is no coincidence that a third of the clients of practicing psychologists are men after a divorce. They also need to speak out, but they do not go to friends and family with problems, as they want to get a qualified answer and explain their actions.
To summarize all of the above, marriage is primarily a union that is based on trust and communication. Each topic needs discussion, but not idle talk. You can save a family if you pay attention to your spouse's depression, symptoms of sexual disorders, decreased interest in life, lethargy, apathy, and suicidal tendencies in time.
According to statistics, the peak of these symptoms can be recorded in the first, seventh and tenth years of marriage. Awareness of the fallacy of divorce falls on the second anniversary after the official separation. Psychologists have called this period the "Seventeenth Month Syndrome."
We have known each other for 5 years at work, the companies cooperated together. I am 31, he is 27, 1 wife is 32 years old. For 2 years I called him on work issues and went to their office, and he began to call and talk about his life, his child and just chat. And once he called and invited me to a restaurant, I was surprised by this, I asked 3 times, but I went. And so it turned. He said that he lives with his wife, as with a neighbor because of a child, that he once left her, but then she offered to live together so that it would be easier to raise a child. said that he did not love her and never believed in love at all, that he laughed at his friends when they said that they loved someone, and that the child did not believe him, he was even going to do tests. His wife called me and also said that she did not love him, but wanted to live with him for the sake of the child. But he left her. Divorced. We had many interesting moments, he said that he had never walked near the sea, that no one had made romantic dinners for him, that I was his destiny and he would never offend or betray me. After 3 months we started living together in a big house, but with my parents. After 1.5 years they signed, I soon became pregnant, but at that time I was sick and took a lot of medication, I had to have an abortion. There was a terrible depression, but it seems that I survived it, although I was very annoyed about this about him. All this time, he took the child on weekends, but most often he just sat him down to watch cartoons or play himself and go about his business. Last summer we quarreled, I said ardently - leave, and he packed his things and went to that apartment to the former. He rents it for them and there is a separate room in which he settled. I hardly remember this week - it was very bad. 2 times I came to him, begged him to come back. Then he came to me to copy the hard drive, and I gave him a long-desired fishing rod, arranged a romantic evening. He moved back to me the same evening, I offered to live separately from my parents, but he refused, said that everything was fine. He said that he said that he didn’t like to hurt me and that he loved only me and he already missed me, according to him, after that, everything was fine for a month, and then I started to “nag” him. I asked for help to screw in a light bulb, go to the store, watch a movie with me, give me time. He is a programmer. He works day and night, writes programs, 2 months ago he was told that there would be a project that he did not like and he was upset that this development was in the wrong direction, I suggested that if he wants, let him find another job. He often looked through the vacancies, but did not dare. My head began to hurt, I stopped getting enough sleep, when I said rest - I said - leave me alone. suggested to the doctor to consult - leave me alone. 3 years ago he got drunk and was severely beaten, there was a severe TBI, which he simply lay at home without treatment. (We didn’t live together then.) He went to bed late, didn’t want to wake up in the morning, slept until 9 (I work from 8). A week ago I took the child, and then I went to take the child to work, and without telling me anything, I freaked out, threw a tantrum, went after him, which he got very angry about, a couple of days ago he said that they had asked the child to take the child to the garden for a week, for this I have to get up at 6, I asked not to wake me up so early, which he was offended by. That evening he said he wanted to sleep, and I strained with sex. the last month they began to study less often, he said that he was very tired and wanted to sleep, although when I said, why don’t you go to bed, he was angry. In the morning I went to pick him up, and the child fell ill, came home and said he was poor there. unhappy. And he went to work. I was leaving on business, and when I arrived, I dialed him, thought to pick him up from work, and he was in the room - he said "na..ena" you woke me up, I can't sleep now, I went to dinner and my dad called him, let him go too. We had lunch, I went up to the room, and he says: let's go. as if we had never known each other, he said again that he did not love, that it was a mistake, that we were different, that he was used to being alone, and not used to a friendly family, that he was not used to having lunch, dinner, that he had a child there who needs to be brought up, that he goes to 1 wife, if she is there, if not, she will rent an apartment closer to work, that she never called him, that he did everything when he wanted and what he wanted. He accused me of not developing with me, that he didn’t even want to bathe because of me, although I think it was depression due to work. He said that he could return, but this is only 5 percent and will soon file for divorce. This is also my 2nd marriage, I have a 12 year old daughter, his child is 4.5. I've never been so good with anyone. like with him. I didn’t destroy his former family and once asked if he should leave the child for me, and he fell in love. I felt comfortable with him, but there was nothing special there. Once he compared that he was a Cossack, and I was a Mercedes, but I said - nonsense, people themselves achieve everything. He had problems in his family as a child. the real father left and drank himself, his stepfather kicked him out of the house because his mother did not let his children from his first marriage, drank, quarreled with his mother, in general, nothing good. And the husband always said that he wanted to be loved, that someone supported him, and now he said that he did not want this.
When I told you that I was suddenly pregnant. said that he would give up the child, that he loved only that one. I understand that you need to survive this, but I love him very much. Can you tell me what to do, to wait or not to wait. Can he really leave because of the child or is it an excuse?
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon About six months ago, I started an affair with a married man. To my worries about this, he replied that, in fact, he and his wife live together only for the sake of small children (there are three of them, the oldest is 6 years old), he soon divorced and we began to live together. First time ex-wife“Physically, I couldn’t see him,” so she even refused to communicate with children. But then it got better, more or less. He began to spend with the children first one day off, then both, sometimes, if possible, on weekdays after work, he also went to them, but in the evening he always returned to me. And during the day, we were also in touch all the time, as they say. Some time ago, he felt a sense of guilt in front of the children, and the thought “I must be there” began to flicker more and more often, especially since the children are small a) he does not see how they grow up and do something important for the first time (for example, the younger one began to walk without him) b) it is physically difficult for his wife alone with three children, especially in winter, when they need to be dressed in a thousand clothes, the stroller is heavy, there is no elevator in the house, there are a lot of them - you can’t keep track of everyone, after all, life is still ... So he decided to come back and help with the kids. I understand that it sounds naive, but there is (so far) no reason to think that he returned not only to his children, but also to his wife. He suggests how to meet in the evenings after work at the beginning of a relationship, but I can’t do that - I feel like a lover in the bad sense of the word. And I can’t live without him either, I tried to stop communicating and start moving on. He says that it is temporary, although, of course, it is not clear how much. And in any case, everything happened to him, family, children, but I don’t. I am afraid that I will wait for him and lose my life (and that he will return fully to the family). And I’m afraid, on the contrary, to lose what we managed to build, Penn has never had such a harmonious and comfortable relationship for me before. According to him, so does he. Now we're both crying and don't know what to do. I see the exit, everywhere a dead end.
Good afternoon, Marusya.
Let's start from the end. There is always a way out, and if you look closely, there are even a few of them. The first thing I want to draw your attention to is your emotions and feelings. Are you feeling guilty? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you scared that your man won't come back? ... Where there is fear there can be no love. Now I mean self love. What is self-love and why have I started to tell you about it now, when you real problem(you think). Because the reason for this situation is in relation to oneself and understanding the purpose of a woman. What do you think is the main purpose of a woman? BE HAPPY!!! (If your upbringing has a lot of masculine, you will protest, this is not bad).
Since childhood, we have been told that we should obey our parents, study well, should ... should ... but this does not bring happiness, only fatigue, disappointment and resentment. If girls were told from childhood that she really should just be happy ... This is the only task of women, to be filled with happiness and love. Such women do not harbor grievances, such women marry a WORTHY. Such a woman does not yell at her husband and children. Such a woman does not come up with problems out of the blue, does not get tired, and if she gets tired, she knows how to relax and gain strength. It is important to be happy no matter the circumstances. Whether married, single, with or without children, with an apartment, a fur coat, a car, or without all this.
Marusya, the choice of a husband is the most important choice in a woman's life. And not because she chooses a father for her children, but because she chooses the one for whom she will want to go through life. A woman inspires a man and shows the way to go, and a man gives the result in the form of actions and decisions. A woman admires her man, extols him, gives him her feminine energy, and he, in response to her, is the result of his actions: flowers, gifts, romance. A woman gives a man pleasure by receiving gifts, flowers, romance. And the man gives her his last name, seed, shelter, family. Of course, you can start from the opposite, first sex, living together, and then everything else, but this usually leads to a psychologist's office, because the main values \u200b\u200bof men have not learned ...
Have you been living together for five years, but you won’t call for marriage? Or is he married and does not dare to leave his old / sick wife? And if everything is not so critical, just the relationship has cooled down, do you want to revive the marriage? Many women in such different situations find the same way out - to give birth to a child. It is customary to think that men are ready to move mountains for the sake of their children, they will not be able to live a day without them, and, therefore, they will not leave you either. But often such girls soon regret their decision and remain single mothers. Is it still possible to keep a man with the help of a child?
Psychologists have long classified the possible patterns of behavior of men who are trying to keep with the help of a child. We will recall them with examples from three different life stories.
Sveta had been dating him for three years, the feelings were strong, still school love. But the guy remained too independent, and did not think about the registry office. The girl was already tired of asking when the wedding was. She decided to push the man to take a decisive step. And she succeeded, but this step was very unexpected.
She got pregnant secretly from him, stopped drinking birth control pills. When she announced her pregnancy, he was furious. "I'm not stupid! You don’t need to decide for me when I become a father and husband!” - with such words he collected things. Resentment did not allow him to return even when his daughter was born. Pays alimony, but saw the baby only a couple of times.
This is such a common promise that for some reason mistresses of married men believe in it. Is your wife old, sick, nags and demands only money? But why then does he return to her every day, why does he spend the weekend with her and the children, buy a new house and make repairs in it, go on vacation? Because he loves his family and will never leave her, and the young passion is on the side - the consequences of a middle age crisis. She's just a pretty toy, he doesn't take her seriously.
“Well, for the sake of the baby, he will definitely leave his family,” thought Victoria, a 20-year-old student who was madly in love with the “married man”. But her parents met her from the hospital, dad to her son married man never did, he only helps financially and no longer promises to leave his wife. The conclusion is this: if a man wants to get a divorce, then he will do it without a child, and if not, he will not leave his “nest” with his beloved chicks.
"Yes, the child is not a joke, I will not leave my blood, somehow endure, fall in love," Victor thought when he found out that the unloved girl was expecting a baby. They had already broken up when she informed him of the pregnancy. Her plan worked! The indifferent guy instantly turned into a caring future dad. But it didn't last long. He did not leave his family, his conscience did not allow him, but he did not become an excellent husband either. While his wife was with the baby, he went to bars, first with friends, and then with girls. So they still live, he loves his son, and his wife is an empty place for him. She would, and she herself be glad to get a divorce, but he said that he would not give the child to her.
So, most likely, a man will not stay with you just for the sake of a child, he did not want a baby, he did not plan to build a family with you, he is not ready to become a father. But if the relationship was "about the case", then the birth of a child is like a catalyst, this situation will immediately give out a man "with giblets", will show his real attitude towards you. There is love - then he will not be afraid, but only if you did not try to deceive him. Men are freedom-loving and polygamous by nature, it is not easy for them to say goodbye to a single life. But if he has serious intentions, he simply does not have enough courage, then the birth of a child is too radical a step to push him to decisive action.
Even a good and loving husband is not always able to become an ideal father. What kind of dad do you dream of for your child? Caring, loving, reliable, the one who has tears in his eyes at the first meeting with his baby? Then you should not make a “dad involuntarily” out of a man, the decision on the appearance of a child should be made only together. The kid is not a bargaining chip, it is new life, a defenseless person who needs the most sincere love. A family should not be created with the advent of a child, the baby should be born in a strong family.
So, is it possible to keep a man with the help of children? It is possible, but only if your man is conscious and decent. But he will not love you again because of the baby, be honest with yourself. And is it worth thinking about procreation if your relationship with a potential father has exhausted itself? Do you need such a family, and would such an act be meanness towards a little baby?
What do you think, is it possible to keep a man with the help of the birth of a child, would you do this, and is there a future for such a family?
In the old days, a large family with a bunch of kids was considered a sign of prosperity and strength of the union of a man and a woman. But modern men are in no hurry to acquire offspring. Find out what scares them.
There is nothing worse for a freedom-loving man than the loss of independence. A child - especially in the first months of life - makes both parents forget what sleep, rest and entertainment are. There are very few people who are ready to give up these values in their younger years.
The conscious rejection of pleasure is a serious and adult decision. Only a man who clearly understands that no petty whims can equal the joy of communicating with his baby can become a good father.
Many men admit that in the birth of children they are most afraid of the responsibility that inevitably falls on them.
shoulders. Moreover, this burden is not only moral, but also material. And here you can’t argue with the earners: at first, the functions of providing the family with everything necessary are completely transferred to the husband.
But there are a lot of alarmists who disown children with their financial insolvency. Such men can blame all their lives for the fact that they have not yet earned money for diapers, cars, or - take it higher - the education of the future child. Loving parents will always find funds for their child. But if a man himself is stuck in childhood, all the money in the world will not be enough to adequately raise an offspring.
Male infantilism, by the way, is a real plague of the 21st century. The second most popular reason why men delay having children is
fear of neglect from his wife. Such a spouse looks at a rosy-cheeked baby and sees in him a rival in the struggle for the care of his beloved woman.
As a rule, this psychological problem "blooms" after the birth of the first child. A man, accustomed to being groomed and cherished, feels how the little man easily pushed him into the background. Fortunately, in strong loving families, this incident is easily resolved. It is enough for a young mother to involve her husband in caring for the child as much as possible, without focusing on the baby and without removing her husband from any duties. Let your loved one feel that the newborn is your common miracle, and you need to share all the joys and troubles for two.
However, sometimes it is the fear of trouble that keeps a man from conceiving a new life. Do not scare future dads
as many endless diapers and sleepless nights as their own inability to grow and properly educate a person. And this is understandable: the responsibility is indeed colossal.
But there is a golden rule for parents: show the child that you love him without falling in love with him to the point of being spoiled. How to implement this in practice is described in a huge amount of psychological literature. Of course, each baby is individual, but it is important to understand that you are not alone. With any of your questions today, you can contact the parent forums and quickly get a friendly and helpful advice from more experienced moms and dads.
Another reason why a man may not want a baby is insecurity in the woman who is nearby. The chosen one can be a great friend to him, a wonderful lover, but he does not see her as the mother of his children.
Forcing and insisting in this case does not make sense. A man who agrees to have a child under the pressure of a woman will howl and fly away into the sunset at the first difficulty. And it is absurd to hope that difficulties can be avoided. It is even more ridiculous to think that a child is a way to keep a loved one. Giving birth to a baby from a man who sees his future with another woman can make all three unhappy.
Let's be honest, men are great connoisseurs of female forms. And changes in figure and sexual appetite
beloved after childbirth cannot but frighten them.
If this is the only thing that prevents the birth of a baby, such a family can only be envied. A wise woman will look at her husband's fears as an incentive to quickly regain her tone after the birth of a child. After all, what's wrong with turning into a young and slender mother, whose energy is enough to take care of children and pay attention to their father?
Let's look at the problem from a different angle. Why do men still decide to have a baby?
As a rule, this decision is influenced by the desire to continue their race. There is no escape from the age-old patriarchal tradition. To a large extent it is
therefore, future fathers dream of the birth of a son. In addition, men see a young friend in their sons: they dream with rapture about fishing together or watching football matches.
Others sleep and see how a little princess will appear in their family. Most often, men who are madly in love with their wives dream of a daughter. The little girl is seen by him as a miniature copy of the woman he loves. Fathers they become no less crazy.
The moralizer's unfulfilled ambitions can, however, take him too far. Often, well-meaning parents try to protect their children from their mistakes. Adults think like this: I didn’t manage to live an ideal life, but my child will make this dream come true 100%. We must not forget that every person - even the most beloved and tenderly protected - has the right to ups and downs.
Even if your man is firmly opposed to the birth of children, do not despair. Talk to him, get to the bottom of the reasons: the true fears of the chosen one can be easily eliminated. Holding hands, loving man and a woman can move mountains. And without wise female support, not a single man can cope with the role of the head of a happy family.
