My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose its meaning ...
They lived like everyone else. No worse and no better. We tried, we worked, we raised children. There were many difficulties, problems, but they all survived. They swore, put up, went to visit friends on weekends. Everyone did their best for the children, and they gave a good education. The children have left their parental home. And after that it got really hard. Relationships that weren't good have worsened.
At one point, the ground seemed to have vanished from under my feet. I didn't believe this could even happen. He left. He didn't say anything, he just left and took his things. An attempt to start a conversation, to understand what the reason is and when he will return, failed.
My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose meaning.
So much pain and suffering. She did everything for the family, for him. The children left the parental nest, and it seemed that we had to wait for the grandchildren and raise the kids with him again. And he left.
How unbearable are the evenings in an empty apartment... Insomnia at night and crying uncontrollably: “He must come back! Why did he leave?" There are so many thoughts in my head. I can not be silent, I need to speak, to consult. I talk for hours, they listen to me, someone supports me, someone sympathizes, and someone tells me that we need to start living anew. “But this is nonsense. How am I without him? I want friends and relatives to reason with him, shame him, and he would come to his senses and return home. But they can't help me. I am alone, absolutely alone. And from this loneliness, as if I'm burning.
Time passes, but I still continue to believe that he will definitely return. I know it for sure. The fortune tellers told me about it. One day he will understand and begin to regret that he left. And then it will definitely come back. Or hint that he wants to do it. And I will definitely take it. People around do not understand how scary it is when a husband leaves after so many years of marriage. They don't see my pain. I need only him and no one else.
Everything is so unfair. And this terrible pain from the fact that he is not around, that I was left alone, corrodes me. I cannot live normally, I want to breathe again and see the sun in the sky, and not feel the darkness that has enveloped my life. All friends and relatives began to disappear from the social circle. Even kids keep talking to a minimum. The apartment is cold and empty. All my attempts to somehow get out of this state are reduced to zero.
And dusk comes again. And again this anxiety envelops my body and does not allow me to live. And so I want to live normally. As everybody. I see people coming together, falling apart, coming together again. They are happy. Why don't I? What should I do?
Dealing with the loss of a husband is very difficult. It's not easy to start living again. There are people for whom the loss of a family is a real tragedy that divides life into "before" and "after". And "after" you can not live, no matter how hard you try.
As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, our attitude to certain events, our reactions, our behavior, our value systems, our desires and aspirations are determined by our innate sets of mental properties, which are called vectors. There are eight vectors in total. Each vector is a certain set of basic desires and properties for their realization.
In this case, we are talking about two vectors: visual and anal.
For any person, the family plays an important role. And for the owner, the family is the main thing, it is the meaning of his life, the highest value. For them, divorce is the end of the world. They do not fit in their heads how it is possible to destroy the most valuable, the most important, the most expensive thing in this life. Even if everything in the family was not so smooth. They are convinced that quarrels, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction are not a reason to destroy a family. By nature, such people are the most faithful, devoted, reliable in the family, and in friendship, and in work. For them, love, marriage, friendship - once and for all life. And to change one spouse for another is like a disaster. Their psyche does not accept this. Not for myself, not for others.
By their nature, such people are quite rigid, therefore it is difficult to adapt to changes. They have a special focus on the past. Along with an excellent memory, these properties are given to them for the realization of their natural role - to accumulate and pass on knowledge and experience of the past to future generations in an unchanged form. Often they become excellent teachers and other professionals. However, these properties do not allow them to forget. Forget the spouse who left. Forget how good they were together. Forget how painful and insulting it was when he left. A person seems to be forever stuck in the past, which no longer exists. Completely immersed in memories and loses touch with the present moment.
What happens to such a woman when her husband leaves her? It happens that she begins to blame herself, looking for a reason, trying to understand what she did wrong. And the feeling of guilt does not let her live. But much more often, she feels deep resentment. Sometimes along with guilt.
As Yuri Burlan's System Vector Psychology explains, justice is important for the owner of the anal vector. And for them it is fair - it means equally, all the same. You did something good for me and I am grateful to you. You cheated me, and I'm offended. "How else? Because I was treated unfairly.” And until it is equal, the person feels the strongest psychological discomfort. If he is guilty, then he must correct himself. If offended, then I will not rest until they return what was taken away. And here a good memory does not let you forget. Resentment and memories of the past absorb a person and prevent him from living now, do not allow him to move forward.
In addition, it is difficult for the owner of the anal vector to make decisions; for this, he needs a little more time than others. And going offended, striving to do everything right, getting stuck in the past leads to the fact that a person cannot make a decision at all what to do next. And then the “waiting mode” is turned on: “The husband will definitely come to his senses, come to his senses, remember me and come one fine day. And if he does not come, he will hint that he wants to return. He will understand that he left me in vain. Only I can be the best wife for him.”
The owners of the visual vector are emotional. They have a high emotional amplitude: from fear to love and compassion. From tantrums to deep, sensual relationships. It is they who can create emotional bonds for real, feeling crazy love and compassion. For them, feelings are the meaning of life. In any case. In good, when it is love, empathy, tenderness, care. And in the bad, when it is sadness, melancholy, tantrums, pity.
For a visual person, a break in a relationship is a break in an emotional attachment. It is like death, causing unbearable suffering. Many women experience the loss of a loved one hard. But the spectators experience it ten times harder. An anal-visual woman with her family priority and exceptional memory is able to cherish her feelings for years, mourn about the past, and remain faithful to the past. The pain of loss and resentment involuntarily become an occasion for visual buildups, quiet tears in the pillow at night.
The feeling that she is the poorest and most unfortunate, and no one can help her, is essentially visual self-pity. Behind this is the desire to receive attention and love for yourself, so that people give emotional support and understanding. To this may be added the fear of loneliness. After all, a break in an emotional connection always leads to an acute loss of a sense of security, exposing the fears inherent in, sometimes up to panic attacks. And this horror of loneliness sometimes leads to emotional blackmail, to exhaustion. Anything, just not to be alone. Because then it won't be so hard. It will get a little easier.
But after a while, even the closest people stop giving the necessary support. Which causes even more pain and causes distrust of the world. Endless trips to fortune-tellers give relief, but not for long. Because this is only a temporary relief of tension and relief of fear and anxiety, the illusion of filling the emotional emptiness that arose in the soul when he left.
It would seem that there is a vicious circle. Starting a new relationship is difficult, there are many fears. It is difficult to let go of the past, there are many grievances and expectations. Start living again? How?
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives an understanding of the nature of the relationship between a man and a woman, explains the reasons for the gap. Deeply explains the nature of resentment and emotional buildup. So, there is a chance to understand yourself and be able to get out of vicious circle. After all, when we begin to understand why we react this way and not otherwise, why one thing causes us pain and protest, and the other is not at all important, these feelings cease to control our behavior, our life. Our emotional background is changing, internal states are harmonizing. This means that there is hope for change, self-confidence, life becomes more pleasant and joyful.
This also affects relationships with people. Because it is more pleasant for them to communicate with a calm, peaceful person who enjoys life. In addition, we begin to better understand others, to see how they differ from us, and how we are similar. This brings our relationship with the world to a qualitatively different level. When you can find the right solution in the most difficult and confusing situation.
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»
If a family has a divorce, this does not mean the end of the relationship. Very often, husbands who leave their wives for mistresses return home with a confession after a while. Why is this happening, and how should the wives of naughty husbands behave?
Practice knows many cases when a husband leaves the family, but then returns, and the couple continues to live happily ever after. Women are much more tolerant than men and are able to forgive a lot. In the life of almost every woman there was a betrayal of a loved one and subsequent forgiveness. Men, on the other hand, are arranged in such a way that cheating for them is a common thing, a physiological process that means nothing. Most often, a husband cheats on his wife, because this one corresponds to the status of a male, because it is interesting. There are cases when treason occurs under the influence of alcohol. Unlike women who are painfully experiencing their own infidelity, men do not attach much importance to their adventures. If they are to blame, there will be no long experiences, and after the wife's forgiveness is received, betrayal is likely to be repeated. And this situation is the norm for many men. They can cheat 5 times and they will be forgiven the same number of times, since for their wives the main thing is spiritual fidelity.
But if the husband packed up and left, this does not mean just physiological sex or sports interest. A family man, accustomed to home comfort, ironed shirts and delicious meals, is unlikely to leave the family for the sake of a fleeting hobby. Rather, he will quietly meet with his mistress, but will not sacrifice his own comfort. Men leave for other women for the following reasons:
Families do not always break up because of other women. And not every man, gaining freedom, seeks to lose it again. If the husband left the family for the sake of his mistress, he will go to her. If the reasons for the gap are different, then the temporary shelter of a man can be:
In extreme cases, the spouse quits his job and leaves for another city. If he does not find a permanent place of residence, you can be sure: having pushed around, he will definitely return.
As already mentioned, if the husband left the family, this does not necessarily mean that forever. Some time will pass, and he may return. It all depends on some circumstances:
If the husband went to his mistress, then, as practice shows, he will leave her. When will the candy-bouquet period end. It lasts an average of 3-4 months. If we analyze why the husband left for another, then we can identify the following reasons:
In three or four months, the veil will fall from the eyes of the spouse, and he will see that his mistress is an ordinary woman, just like you, and hundreds of other women. She can also walk around uncombed, come home tired from work. She will ask her husband to hammer in a nail, take out the trash. He will understand that he has not acquired anything new and therefore will return to his former life, that is, to you.
When the husband said that he was leaving forever, it seemed to you that this was the end of the family, the end of the relationship. But statistics show that unfaithful husbands return in most cases. And this happens due to the following factors:
If the husband left and does not want to return, it will be unpleasant, painful and insulting for any woman. At the moment when he said that he was leaving, it seems that this is betrayal and treason. The first thought that arises in a wife is, of course, a mistress. But, as already mentioned, the husband does not always go to another woman.
The gap period for a woman lasts for several stages:
During these periods, a woman can do a lot of stupid things that you need to beware of. In no case should you shed tears, beg, arrange a showdown with your mistress, blackmail children. The main thing is to give time for the sobriety of the mind to return, and after that you can already think what to do.
If the reason for the breakdown of your relationship was not your mistress, then how soon he will return depends only on you. We need to wait a few weeks, let both cool down and think, and then proceed to action. If his departure was scandalous, you should definitely talk and apologize. Surely, he will also apologize, realizing his mistakes.
It is necessary to analyze well and understand what exactly is to blame. If the husband left the family, this indicates that something does not suit him. So, things were not going smoothly in the family. After a little time has passed, you need to meet and talk openly. If you cannot resolve the issue without scandals, communicate through letters or SMS messages. Find out what exactly your husband does not like about you, understand why exactly you behave the way you do. In no case should you mutually reproach him and blame him. Agree, promise to improve and just as honestly tell about your claims.
The next step is the fix. It is not enough to promise, you need to act. Start changing. The husband will return if he sees in you a beloved and desired woman.
Today it is not difficult to work on yourself. You can seek help from a psychologist, visit special trainings, watch motivational films, read relevant literature. It all depends on your desire to return your husband.
If you know that the husband went to his mistress, you need to show cunning. If she somehow attracted your spouse, then you need to become even better. Moreover, you have a great advantage: you are his wife, which means that you can call him at any time and ask for anything.
After a certain time, he will understand that this is his home, you are his wife, and his beloved children are nearby.
In some situations, the husband leaves home just to teach the spouse a lesson, to show her what she can lose. In any case, it is important to recognize mistakes in time, apologize to each other and forgive. After all, a moment may come when reconciliation will be impossible.
Life is too unpredictable to be sure that a relationship that has turned into a marriage will last forever. Someone is lucky to meet their man, with whom they are hand in hand both in grief and in joy, while someone on the way to this meeting has to go through parting and even divorce. But since life is one and it is important to live it in such a way that it is not excruciatingly painful, many women who broke up with their spouses for a variety of reasons should understand for themselves further. This will restore peace of mind and restore confidence in their own attractiveness.
Before the spouse decides to divorce, a lot of time will pass from the moment when the family cools down. Not a single representative of the stronger sex will leave his wife and file for divorce after the first serious quarrel. They get too used to comfort in order to quickly take and create a lot of problems for themselves that will have to be solved as soon as they are left alone.
Men can endure claims for a very long time, and unwillingness to take care of their appearance, as before, and the lack of common topics for conversation. And even if he had an affair, and he fell in love, it is not so easy to hurt another and admit to himself that he made a mistake by marrying. People do not want to experience guilt and will endure to the last in order to avoid its appearance: and live with the unloved, and endure the antics of friends, and the inattentive attitude of their parents.
Therefore, when the husband slams the door and leaves after another quarrel, it will be quite unexpected, no matter how much the spouses have quarreled up to this point. And as soon as the passions subside, fear will appear in the heart that everything is over and there is no more hope.
In fact, his departure means only that he does not know how to cope with the situation that has arisen, he has run out of arguments, arguments, patience, only rage, anger and resentment remain, because they do not hear him and do not take into account his interests, and he lacks the courage to express them. Yes, and with regard to weak woman, such an act can only be committed by a tyrant and a despot. A normal man, when he cools down, will return, expecting changes. But so that his departure in such a situation does not become a tragedy and does not lead to a final break later, it's time to think about what is happening and why the relationship has turned into a battlefield.
If you don’t think and ask after he returns (and the first few times he will definitely return) what doesn’t suit him and tell you what doesn’t suit you, you should clearly understand that everything will end either with a life similar to serving hard labor, or his final departure.
When the husband left completely and all quarrels and debriefing ended, you should not pursue him with calls, messages, requests to return or talk. Too much desire to see him, to communicate with his parents will not help to establish mutual understanding, but will only cause even more irritation and rejection.
Remember your self-esteem. This will not only preserve your sense of self-respect, but will bring real benefits. Since those who feel sorry for themselves and humiliate themselves, people try to avoid. They look too pathetic. Therefore, it is much wiser to pull yourself together and be on top. This tactic is bearing fruit. When the husband notices that his wife is not killing him, does not run after him and does not fight in hysterics, he begins to wonder if he hastened to leave.
After all, when a person does not demonstrate that he is hurt, offended, does not try to show that he is ready to fix everything, just pay attention and do as he wants, the other himself begins to wonder if he made the right decision, maybe he underestimated how he good luck with your wife. Painfully calmly, she reacts to his demarche and unwillingness to find out the problems that arise, without which not a single family relationship can do.
Despite all attempts to stay away from him and not show how much it hurts you, he still doesn’t call for a long time and doesn’t return, you shouldn’t get hysterical and panic. It doesn't make any sense, and it won't change anything either, it will only make it more frustrating. It is better to decide right away: do you want to return your husband, be free or turn into a victim. You can return your husband only if he still has feelings, but he must realize this and take the first step himself. Trying to put pressure on a person, the result is not achieved, on the contrary, he moves away even more and makes sure that he was right.
Because it is unlikely that you will show restraint, calmness and fortitude in your attempts to convince him to return. You will most likely cry and lose your temper. Men are generally lost at the sight of women's tears, not knowing how to react to them correctly, and in such a difficult situation, they will also get angry, believing that you are manipulating them.
Asking is always unpleasant, especially when it comes to personal relationships. And when it is accompanied by tears, reproaches, accusations and anger - anyone will want to run away from this. People have not learned to say that they are hurt and unpleasant because of what happened directly. They usually express this by blaming others as traitors. And in this case, even the one who is really to blame will begin to defend himself. And another scandal, and even after the break, will only aggravate the situation, and not fix it. So stay calm and do your best to stop when you feel like dialing his number and talking.
There is no need to find out how he is doing, how he ate, how he is with work, what he does. You can call only once, when you decide to apologize for all the bad and offensive words and deeds that you have done towards him, even if you don’t know what he was specifically offended by and how they could offend him. He knows about it.
When nothing more than an apology follows, he will understand that you are serious and really heard him and left the choice to him. Any representative of the stronger sex will appreciate it. One of the complaints against the female sex in recent years has been the reluctance of women to recognize the role of men in relationships and attempts to do and decide everything for them. It is difficult to say whether this is always the case, but they perceive any claims and demands as an attempt to infringe on their rights. It seems to them that constantly criticizing and comparing with others, their loved ones obviously do not trust them and try to force them to do what they need, depriving them of initiative and the right to choose.
If the husband left for another, this does not mean that it is time to answer in the same coin. No new connections and attempts to arouse jealousy in him will help to establish mutual understanding. Of course, jealousy can change the situation in your favor, since the stronger sex is very sensitive to whether other men like his woman or not, only for how long his suddenly flared interest. When he disappears, especially since this has already happened once, you will again think about how to live without a husband, and another attempt to play on his sense of ownership will no longer work.
But communication with the opposite sex will allow you to feel like a woman and think about whether you need someone who went to another, with whom he has obviously been talking behind your back for a long time, someone who was afraid to say that feelings had faded and did not try to revive them or leave immediately.
Seeing the interest in the eyes of men, any woman will feel better, though if she is not depressed and not neurotic. Since for them the gap is a real grief that they can experience for years and the attention of the opposite sex will only make them compare and always come to the conclusion that their husband was the best. And again tears, tantrums and a complete breakdown.
Therefore, it is very important to understand that any woman is capable of living without a husband and living happily, but without plunging into memories of a happy past, even if it never was, as happens with those who, for various reasons, are neurotic and have relationships them were neurotic. And in this case, you will first have to deal with your internal problems, and then decide how to live happily without a husband.
Don't give up no matter what happens. Be true to yourself and believe that you deserve better. And if this man did not appreciate you or you made the wrong choice, this does not mean at all that everything is lost for you. Only those who are confident in themselves and in the fact that there will be a holiday on their street achieve success. Therefore, your task is to take care of yourself, pamper and love yourself so that this happens as soon as possible, and you are 100% ready for this.
Problems with husbands sometimes arise from scratch. It seemed like there was a normal family, they lived on the knurled, without quarrels: home, work, children ... And then you got up and left. Why? [discussion]
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This question torments many abandoned wives. Men explain everything by routine. But it sounds somehow unconvincing. But there is one regularity - the age of prodigal husbands. Most often, they part with their families and start a new one around 30, around 40 - 45 and 50 years.
Psychologist and sexologist Inna Chori claims that these are critical years for men. In these three ages, some of them develop a strong desire for change. But if your husband is dear to you, you can prevent leaving, the psychologist is sure.
28 - 32 years old
Stop liking skinny people
Irina and Eugene got married when both were 23 years old. At 25, Ira gave birth to the first, at 28 - the second child. She sat at home with the children, did not go out, Zhenya worked a lot. And he made very good money. When the youngest was one year old, Zhenya packed his things and, saying that he would support the children, went to live with his parents. He came once a week, brought food and money. And he left again.
Eh, Irina did not know what the psychologist later told her at the training - about thirty men can radically change their erotic views. Instead of brunettes, blondes begin to like, instead of thin people - plump ones. And his proposal to get fat (lose weight), repaint, change the style of clothing should be taken very seriously. Listen to wishes and agree to changes.
Exactly, he asked several times: “Ira, can you grow your hair? Maybe change your hair color? A light one would suit you ... Let's go buy you a dress ... ”I didn’t pay attention: short hair is more comfortable, and a dress when you walk with two kids is uncomfortable, jeans are much more practical,” Ira later recalled.
She took the coaching advice. The gray hedgehog on the head was replaced in a few months by a still short, but already blond bob, dresses with a decollete, proper bras and moderate heels were bought. In general, it flourished. I called recently, shared: my husband returned, everything is fine.
By the way, you will have to change at least outwardly for the rest of your life in order to deceive male polygamy.
Men, they are so arranged: she changed her dress and shoes - already some other one, she changed her hair, besides, she turned on the playful mood - everything, a new woman in his house, - the coach assures.
35 - 45 years old
I'm still damn young!
At this age, a man is reassessing what has been achieved.
The first signs of this condition - a man changes his behavior, - says the psychologist. - He begins to look younger, renews his wardrobe and perfume, starts listening to other music in the car. Casanova syndrome kicked in. It is now important for a man to prove that he is still very, very in every sense! And his wife, unlike other ladies, no longer looks at him with admiration ... Do not miss this call! Rejuvenate with him! Spend all your free time with him, do not leave him alone. If you do not want to lose your man, agree to his erotic fantasies, but at least role-playing games. And keep in mind - almost no man is able to leave the family if his wife does not let go!
Here are my friends - Misha and Lena. At the age of forty, Misha - a financier, a respectable family man and a father of two children - suddenly became interested in a work colleague, a young and cheerful young lady. And to his wife Lena, at a family dinner with meatballs, he said: that's it, I'm leaving, I'm tired! He even slammed his fist on the table.
But he didn't leave. There is no second apartment, but Lena did not kick her out of the existing one. She looked at him longingly and grieved for a good year. And then suddenly took up the device of personal life. And I got so carried away that later Misha told me:
It's like she's been replaced. Laughs all the time. Previously, she walked around the house in a dressing gown, and if she needed to go to the store, she walked in sweatpants and sneakers. Now all the time at the parade. She likes someone...
In general, Misha is now experiencing. Looking for opportunities to "start over" with the new Lena. And Lena thinks if she needs the old Misha.
What about talking?
This age is the easiest in terms of psychology. The children have grown, the nest is empty. It's time to strike a balance, to understand what you have achieved, because if your career goes further, then crawling, not like at thirty.
At this age, sex is no longer in the first place for men. They are more important spiritual closeness. And if the wife has become a family, if she has become a friend, a man, most likely, will not leave her, even if he is in love with a young woman. It is terrible to lose stability, domestic and psychological as well. But if kinship is not achieved, alas, the man does not see the point in such a family, ”explains Inna.
But what if the wife at this age finds out about the betrayal? I saw a couple of acquaintances on vacation. Valya read the message of her mistress while Sergey was washing in the shower. It was at the beginning of summer, in Cyprus, on the day of the 25th anniversary of marriage - such a marriage that everyone seemed indestructible. I sobbed for a month and walked around in sunglasses, hiding circles under my eyes. He curled around like a moth: “Valyusha, maybe some water? Valyusha, maybe put an umbrella for you, ultraviolet is so harmful!
Yes, it's too late for me to take care of the youth of the skin! she scoffed in response.
A couple of months have passed. Valya underwent a course of psychotherapy - she was taught how to forgive her husband. Marriage looks perfect again. After all, Valya still loves Sergey. Sergey has become silky, hurries home after work, promises to take him to Cuba next spring.
In general, indeed, in all couples where the man nevertheless left the family, there was a moment: the wife herself let go. And those wives who returned the prodigal to the family understood that she got married and went on the warpath. And the wealthier and more successful the husband, the tougher the war.
OPINIONS OF READERS
On our website, this material has already collected more than 1,500 responses. Here are some of them.
Tatiana:
I have a similar situation. The husband came to the first line. Gone. Hasn't lived for a month. He says he can't be with me. Hard. Says I have to change. At the same time, he does not want to work on himself, claims only to me. A lot of things don’t suit me either, to which he told me - she got married, so be patient.
George:
It was generally accepted that men change after marriage, there are no courtship, flowers, sweets, cinemas and theaters, etc. I think that it is often not a man, the point is that a woman herself begins to consider all this nonsense and a waste of money, oh what she says to her husband. The item of the program is completed, the tick is put in the form of a seal in the passport, we move on to another item, career, children, apartment, dacha, car ... And then surprise and tears, he went to another or he does not pay attention to me at all. You yourself do not change, remain brides, and the husband will be the same, will look after and give flowers!
A simple Russian man:
So that a man does not want to leave a woman, two factors must be observed:
1) A man should marry her according to HIS ardent desire (and not according to her).
2) A woman shouldn't get on a man's nerves.
And all other factors (the presence or absence of an attractive appearance, the ability or inability to manage a household, the presence or absence of children, etc.) do not matter to a peasant and cannot keep him.
Yaroslav, 29 years old:
Came to the first line. It's hard at times. Much has changed, goals, attitudes, tastes. I have a car, an apartment, a good job. We live normally. I often pamper my children and wife. But my wife became cold to me. He says that he loves and cannot live without me, but there is less and less intimacy. It's a shame, all sorts of thoughts come to mind bad. Often depression, appeared fear. Thoughts don't just go away. She is young, beautiful. The hostess is great. Of course, I cherish her, because I love her. But without intimacy, marriage is hard. I feel something is wrong. And what? How to be further? Pretend everything's okay? Just be patient and see what happens? But this is a lie! And lying to yourself and your family is the last thing.
Men have recently been positioned in various women's programs as brainless pets that women must endlessly please, come up with something to keep them, interest them, etc. And what about the men themselves? Few of them fight for their woman, they believe that since she married him and has children, she will not go anywhere.
Guest:
She lived with her husband for 30 years. Conclusions: 1. Everyone changes, believe me. 2. If you want to leave, you won’t be able to hold it back, but, as a rule (according to statistics), women are the first to file for divorce, by the way, they often regret it later. 3. What did you change for soap, your own is already native, and the new one will come - someone else's, you still need to get used to it, and will it find mutual language with children (if any). 4. And who said it would be easy? A family is a daily work, if you don’t learn to maneuver, not to notice, forgive, endure - you will live alone, and let whoever likes what, let him choose for himself.
Masha:
I wonder why it is always only a woman who must, must do everything? .. I have been married for almost 40 years and now I don’t understand what I liked about him then? But I still love my husband, we are already like relatives, and I don’t understand how I could leave him! And men at the age of 30, 40, 50, etc. ... leave anyway, there would be a reason! Either I wanted to be younger, or something else does not suit me. At the age of 30, my virtual loves began, but it all took place before my eyes, in a common company, so I was able to stop all this! And you know how, I just made all his friends fall in love with me! And his love showed in all its glory! And he understood everything very quickly! And on the 25th wedding anniversary he said that I was the best ... in every way! So be sure to take care of yourself!
Lapulia:
My dear began to cheat on me at 33 with a pullet (even a child - she was 23). She cried, begged him to change his mind - but no ... He deceived, said that he had abandoned her, of course, I believed. And then she pulled herself together, began to take care of herself and ... found herself a lover 7 years younger. The husband walks on his hind legs - whatever one may say, they feel it.
Let's discuss!
My husband and father left us with our children. Married for 14 years. I am 41 years old, my husband is 38. This marriage is the second for both of us. From the first I have a daughter, now she is 18 years old, he lived in his first marriage for a year - there were no children. He easily got along and fell in love with my daughter - she began to call him dad (she was only 3 years old), especially since my first husband officially refused his daughter. After a year of our marriage, the current husband offered to adopt my daughter - I was in seventh heaven with happiness. They lived well, material well-being gradually came, they bought apartments, cars, relationships were like in every loving family.
After 9 years life together our son was born - my husband was happy, and so am I. All these years I worked, I was the head of a department in a large company, with my second son I was on maternity leave for only a few months, but my husband supported my desire to work. Two years ago, he left for another city to work, came home every weekend. Relations began to deteriorate. Since he was not going to return to work in our city, we made a common decision to move to him. Moreover, by that time the eldest had graduated from high school and entered the institute in the city where her husband worked. We decided to sell the apartments, I quit my job. My elderly parents remained in my hometown, whom I eventually wanted to bring to our city, and all our friends ...
When the apartments were sold, I quit my job, after 2 weeks my husband said that he would not live with us, he would rent us an apartment in his city, he did not explain anything, as I did not ask. It was a blow in the gut. I decided to move anyway, because my parents have nowhere to live, and my husband invested the money for the sold apartments in a new building in a new city.
Then I found out that my husband left for a younger woman with someone else's child.
He comes to his children for 3 hours on one of the weekends, and sometimes once every 2 weeks. I do not interfere with communication, but in every possible way encourage.
For food, my husband gives such pennies that you can die of hunger, my parents help - they send money weekly. I don’t know where they take them - they are pensioners. For a long time I could not find a job - a strange city, without any acquaintances and relatives. I found it 3 months later, thank God, and despite the fact that I was a leader for many years, I made good money. I could understand if he just went to another, but to transport us to a strange city and leave us there without an apartment, work and money, WHY?
The eldest daughter is very worried, the youngest (he is 5) - at the subconscious level. The worst thing is that we are completely financially dependent on him, especially since the situation with the new apartment is unknown.
It's been 5 months, to say about my condition in words - nothing. I drink, I smoke, I drink tranquilizers, I cry, etc. Children are supportive. God forbid, everything will work out at the new job and I will become financially independent. I really want to forget him, “let go, forgive” and I can’t cope with my emotions, why did he do this - not leaving for another - but why did he move him to a strange city and leave him without a livelihood? How can you betray? Until the last, I believed him in everything, I was neither a housewife, nor a slut. I am pretty, I look much younger than my age, I have always been in demand at work, I had many friends (who supported me by phone and financially all these 5 months). Help, how to let him go - I don't even want to see him? ..
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Inna, age: 41/09/29/2011
Responses:
Dear Inna, it has not been long enough for you to forget everything and let him go. Be patient a little longer and a revelation will come to you. I understand your pain, I go through it myself, my husband left us four months ago with a child, cheating on me behind my back for a year. Last year he was with a woman 14 years younger than him, I forgave him, and in May of this year I found SMS ... they didn’t stop! I also look younger by (10 years) everyone says so. Like you, I have been working all my life and the hostess is not bad ... but the betrayal is such that the pain breaks all the veins and there are also a lot of questions. But I don't want to see or hear him. I changed my phone number because he texts me that he only loves me. And that's it! In addition to SMS, he does nothing (keeps as a fallback).
My advice to you: do not ask any questions to yourself - you will not find answers! Even many years will pass - you will not receive an answer, it is better not to think about everything that happened (very difficult), but it is necessary for you. Let go of everything and live for today, trust God, go to the temple and tell your pain to God there... cry, let all the pain come out from within. Please don't drink alcohol! It can destroy you, think of the children. Understand that they, these husbands, are not worth our suffering, especially drinking alcohol. (Imagine, when he finds out that you drink, he will be happy, thinking that you are because of him). Be strong in spirit! Pray more and talk to God. For some reason, God sent you all this, the answer will be later. When it rolls, read many times: "God bless this man." When you feel very bad in your soul, read many times: "Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." Tested, it really helps. I will pray for you and for the children that everything will be fine with you. You are still so young, you will definitely meet your man for life. Good luck to you and your children!
Elsa, age: 57 / 09/30/2011
Inna, hold on, you have Small child, and a daughter, she needs an example of a mother, how to cope with difficulties in life, and what are you showing her now? You are hurt, scared, but your children are looking at you: how you behave now, so they will behave in adulthood. Would you like your daughter or son to drink, smoke and take tranquilizers? I myself behaved almost the same way, I am ashamed now in front of my adult son, and he is already 24 years old. Now I pray in front of the icon, and let my son and daughter see me on my knees before God. You will rise, believe in yourself. You were a leader, which means that you know how to organize yourself and others, do not loosen up, put all your will into a fist and go ahead, look for a job, climb the career ladder again, there is something for which and for whom. I know that it is not easy, I know that the pain is not drowned out, I am the leader myself, but I need to rise up, become as confident as before, but now not on my own, but with God's help. Maybe we, the women leaders, had too much self-esteem, maybe we need to change our minds, analyze everything, consult with the priest and tell God our women's problems, and then help will be given from above. Honestly, as soon as I began to really ask for help from God and the blessing of the priests, it became much easier for me! Inna, I want to support you, but you have to help yourself. Take care of the issues of future housing now, where is the money for apartments, which means that he is building something, in whose name is he building? You do not cry, you will take care of the property, the children are with you and you are responsible for them. No need to scour yourself with questions, 41 years old, everything can still be wonderful. May the Lord bless you.
Alla, age: 43 / 09/30/2011
Inna, 5 months for such a test is nothing, these are only the first timid steps on the way to humble yourself before the providence of God. For a year I have been trying to somehow crawl along this very difficult, but the only true path, all the time I stumble over my terrible pride, but until I humble myself, nothing good will happen in my life, since God resists the proud and only gives grace to the humble . Marina, maybe my words did not console you at all, but only after a year of my mental torment I realized the most important thing for myself - you need to work on saving YOUR soul! Most importantly, NEVER give up!
Xenia, age: 40 / 09/30/2011
Inna, good afternoon. Your letter hooked me, and here's why. I have a very close friend who went through a similar drama five years ago. Only everything was much more complicated and tragic - she, having lived with her husband for more than fifteen years, having given birth to a good son, left in Russia everything that was dear to her - parents, friends, work - and went to a foreign country, far away, because she lived there the mother of the husband, because the husband wanted to enter the European world and a different life. And at first everything went well - work for both, which she found, a gymnasium for her son, travel. Then her parents' apartment in Russia was sold, because her parents were going to move in with her and her husband, whom they loved like their own son - and this was the husband's initiative. And then the terrible began, Inna. My friend got sick and was operated on. Difficult, virtuoso operation. And her husband, shortly before her operation, met a young woman on the Internet, said that he had unearthly love, and since his girlfriend would die soon anyway, and he didn’t need her parents here, he began to extort money received for an apartment. Blackmail, shouting and assault. She, smart, stopped the violence by contacting the police, filing for divorce. And all this - after the operation. The experience of a teenage son is hard to imagine. Her parents in Russia fell ill with grief.
And then this amazing woman, left alone as a finger in a foreign country, taught her son. I took any job. After recovering from the operation, she confirmed her diploma. Refreshed my English in good courses. Went to business school, graduated, got a decent job. I drove myself to loss of strength - after studying fitness, power loads on the simulator, as far as my health allowed.
A ex-husband her, quickly rejected by his unearthly Internet love, made an attempt to return, was sent away by my friend, found a new Internet love. And then another, and another. And in the end, almost losing his sight, he lives with his old mother in a tiny apartment, without work, without life plans, like a plant. The son stopped all communication with him. His mother is crying, calling my girlfriend. But that's it - the train left long ago.
And my friend, a smart girl, once said: “You know, you live like this with a man, you courageously overcome all life’s difficulties with him, and one more difficulty, and another ... And then you look back, you start to analyze - and you understand that almost all the difficulties were created by the man himself, due to his irresponsibility, short-sightedness, and simply stupidity, whatever."
A friend has a wonderful friend of the heart - a well-mannered, educated European. He asks her to marry him. But she is not in a hurry - she has an established life of a self-sufficient woman. And the man, as she says, is only a part of her, nothing more.
Maybe this life story will cheer you up, Innochka. Our women can do EVERYTHING - and a little more.
Mara, age: 40 / 01.10.2011
Dear Inna! I sympathize with you very much ... Marriage problems are the most serious and confusing ... As it often happens, you let a man go to another city or just for a week, and it is already unknown how it will end. Probably the problems have been ripening all these 2 years, at some point he decided that on the other hand it’s better and she’s nearby, less inconvenience, I’ll go to her. This is very common, but this is not love - it will turn somersaults, eat enough of it and possibly return, this happened in our family. You now need the will to fist and take on any, for any work. Quit drinking, smoking - this is not an option, remember, you have a goal - to raise children. The fact that he behaves like this ... do not blame him, anything can be, his head is clouded with something. Yes, and think less about all this, you won’t think of anything good. Raise yourself, go somewhere and believe that tomorrow will be better than today, and better - do everything for this now. I believe that you will succeed, because you led the company! Try to move on. Two children - this is the value that has no equal, some do not have them at all! Love, love, love, and it doesn’t matter what - painting, books, music, trees are falling, but they always fall beautifully ... Happiness, good luck and forgive everything. All the will of God.
Irena, age: 23 / 01.10.2011
Inna, hello. The worst thing about the current situation is your flight into alcohol. Yes, and smoking is a lousy business. Do not have time to look back - and your "look younger" will evaporate, and one "beautiful" day you will feel disgusted to look in the mirror.
I'm not talking about the degradation of personality and the destruction of physical health, and with them the degradation of life goals.
Say "STOP" to yourself before it's too late. A woman is a special being, created and existing on Earth to create beauty in all its conceivable forms. And she is beauty incarnate. A person's love for the world begins with self-love, and a person should not love himself as such in himself, but the divine creation, which should strive for perfection. And what will your children watch when mother begins to stubbornly slide to the edge of the abyss?
Your situation, Inna, is, of course, difficult, what can I say. However, it is not fatal. But it can become such if you do not refuse poison for the soul and body. It is better to deal with adversity sober.
I understand how hard it is for you now, how much you want to speak out to a person who understands and sympathizes with you. Believe me: everyone who answers you shares your pain, because they knew it in one form or another, went through losses and disappointments, got to know the taste of betrayal of a loved one, sat through without money, support, in a state of hopelessness. But all - survived, survived and continue to live a new life.
Get up, straighten up, swill - drain into the sink, smoke - into the garbage chute, forever. Fully focus on the children and work. Inna, I advise many, and I will not be too lazy to repeat to you: transform all your energy of despair and pain and invest now in personal growth, go to study, improve your skills.
On credit, in installments, ask to pay in installments. Do you find alcohol and cigarettes? So search for more necessary business. You will simply have no time to suffer, antidepressants (which are also not cheap, especially of the new generation) will gradually become unnecessary, and in a new place you will show yourself to the leadership of a promising employee who is able to move the assigned work from modern positions. Prosperity will surely come as a side effect of a properly organized life.
Studying is just magic. It not only kept me afloat when I wanted to either hang myself or jump from a balcony, but it also became a springboard for a new career breakthrough. And, by the way - on the eve of registration of the pension certificate. Although, to be honest, it was very difficult: my husband betrayed after 30 years of marriage, a protracted depression, then both elderly parents fell ill with unpromising diagnoses and I had to leave a highly paid job.
For a year and a half, I lived with my teenage daughter and paid housing payments for unemployment benefits (4,900 rubles is the maximum rate in our region, and you have to pay 5,000 for an apartment and a telephone) and guardianship allowance for my daughter, which they stopped paying when my daughter turned 18 years, that is, 6 months after my dismissal from work. All my not very large savings melted away quickly: my parents needed expensive medicines and care products for bedridden patients. The son helped, of course. But he has his own family and his own expenses.
On the eve of his birthday, he asked me: "Mom, what could we give you? Don't let the amount stop you." I replied: "Help me pay for my studies."
It was the most priceless gift, which cannot be measured in money. It brought me back to life. I couldn’t leave my parents, but 3 times a week in the evenings I passed the baton to my daughter, went to college, where the forgotten atmosphere of the student body returned to me and gave me strength and optimism, made me forget about the bad. And this "bad" faltered, gave up and retreated. But not long before that, I had reached such a state that I had to go to an appointment at a psycho-neurological dispensary, since my mental strength had run out. The doctor, looking at me, asked: "Have you taken any alcohol today?" It looks like my expression was like this. Then, realizing that she had insulted the person in vain, she apologized. And I couldn’t even answer plainly, tears just flowed like a river. I say: “Doctor, prescribe something for me. I no longer have the strength. For three years I have been living under bomb attacks: one trouble after another. Now I have two bedridden old men. in hell. No way. I feel like my life is over."
But it was not the pills that helped me, which, of course, they prescribed me. The doctor's advice helped me: "Every day, do something for yourself personally, something that can please you." It was then that the idea came to me to go to school. At first, on a subconscious level - just like an outlet, and then a rational understanding of the usefulness of the decision came. Someday this situation will end. After all, everything ends someday. How long will I be out of work by then? What employer would be interested in me after such a break? Will I be able to return to my cage? Everywhere you need up-to-date experience, a break of more than a year - and you are already number three hundred and twenty in line. Especially when you are near retirement age.
But it is a completely different matter when a person in these one and a half years received additional education, expanding the boundaries of the existing specialty. And here the minus in the brains of the employer turns into a big plus. And no one cares how old you are. Yes, and a break in the summary expressively closes the entry: from such and such to such and such - such and such an institute. In brackets: faculty such and such, specialty such and such, diploma with honors.
And who saw that this same man sobbed in the office of a psychiatrist in three streams, being mistaken for an alcoholic? It remained a secret behind the scenes.
Parents recovered and began to serve themselves. And I defended my diploma and scattered my resumes on the Internet. Moreover, she was not shy about sending them to places where age restrictions were indicated. I ignored these restrictions. And I swung at the service level, which was higher than all my previous ones. It was a kind of challenge and a desire to take revenge.
I won a competition for a position with a limit of "up to 40 years", while outperforming younger and more zealous candidates with very worthy track records at the interview. And the decisive role in the management decision was played by my freshly baked red (and for me - truly golden) diploma, which very successfully supplemented my first education and set off managerial experience in the subject area. This circumstance made a proper impression on the CEO, especially when I said that in my plans - in the next year or two - obtaining relevant knowledge in another related area, which will allow me to expand the range of tasks to be solved, and in general: I plan to conduct an active professional activity at least another 10 years, and if health permits, even longer.
After this conversation with the general director, all other candidates were free. And I led a promising project.
And the fact that on the day of employment all my cash for living with my daughter was 850 rubles, also remained a secret behind the scenes. Why would anyone need to know about this? In front of the future employer sat a savvy professional and a self-confident woman who had learned not to be afraid of anything. This was the main thing, the very "dry residue" that fell as a result of a complex reaction from the events of life.
Inna, we must bless our enemies, offenders and those who made us suffer. Bless the suffering itself. Because they are not driving us anywhere, but straight into our bright future. It is I, in my own way, retelling the meaning of the saying, once read in Holy Scripture. Now I am sure that everything that happened to me was for my good. What else can I call my current life? Now I mentally bless every day I live in suffering, every weeping night and thank God for everything that I had a chance to experience, for every wound in my soul.
And the fact that God opened my eyes to my husband's betrayal, as I think - not by chance on Christmas Day, I also accept with gratitude. Because this event radically changed both my life and myself. Undoubtedly - for the better. The one that came out as a result of overcoming everything that happened is better than the one that was before. Stronger, kinder, more generous, fearless.
Bless your scoundrel husband, Inna, and in your heart express your condolences to him. It’s easier for you: everything has already happened to you and you are already in the event stream that carries you from the worst to the best. It can't always be bad. The darkest twilight is before dawn.
But your husband is still ahead. And it’s not a fact that he will be able to cope with the boomerang from what he did.
And I also strongly advise you: communicate more with your parents, write long, long letters to them, if talking on the phone is expensive. Catch and appreciate every moment of their life. See how they care about you. They love you endlessly, share their pension crumbs with you. Inevitably, the time will come when you will be very sorry that you spoke so little with your old people. You will miss this very much. Truly miss. And not like the lack of a person now, whom you, I assure you, after a while will begin to despise so deeply that you will want to flush the very memory of him down the toilet.
Inna, turning points are sent to us as moments of truth. They need a person to reassess values. A piano tuner comes to see me once a year, and although I rarely play now, the instrument still loses tune and starts out of tune just from standing still. And then my master Alexander Vasilyevich takes out his tuning fork and begins a long and painstaking work, walking along each string inside the body, adjusting its sound to the standard.
So is human life. From time to time you need to check with a tuning fork to understand whether you are going the right way, whether those people have been chosen by you as fellow travelers, whether those things have been elevated to the rank of the highest value. And absolute and imperishable values become such a tuning fork, according to which a person's deed is tested in moments of trials and in the face of temptations. Your husband's string broke with a disgustingly false sound.
Do not let the strings of your soul falter and break, Inna.
Smilla, age: 55 / 01.10.2011
Hello Inna! I decided to support you with my letter. Everything will work out well for you. Take it as a setting. You are going through a difficult period now and it seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel... This is not true. You just need to go a little more, understand something ... Draw conclusions. Everything must be accepted with joy (everything is from God), digested, experienced. No need to stop on this path, no need to kneel, cry, try to go back, no need to break the wall of this tunnel... You need to move forward step by step. This is your path, and you must pass it! Men don't go anywhere, they always go to someone. It is a fact. There is no traitor next to you now! Direct all your strength now to work, children. Schedule your life in such a way that there is no free minute to even think about it. The property acquired in marriage is very calmly divided in half, apply in the same way for alimony. You are entitled to it. You will have new acquaintances, new impressions. Not immediately, gradually, all experiences will move further and further. It took me 2 years to get up off my knees, not cry anymore and move on. Do not ask yourself the question "Why?". You will not find an answer to it ... It's just necessary. Patience to you...
Elena, age: 34 / 02.10.2011
Inna, hello! We have the same situation with you, there is no big difference, I am a little younger than you and I have one child. Everything else is like a blueprint for you and me - my husband went to another city to work, came for the weekend, the plans were to move in with him, they sold my apartment, invested in new housing, and when everything was sold and things were transported, the husband said, that he loves another and does not want to live with us.
My child is going through exactly the same as yours, he has an obsession that now I will leave him, like dad.
I will try to tell you how I pull myself out of this state, maybe something will help you.
I left a good relationship with him for the sake of the child, he sometimes comes to us for a couple of hours and we go everywhere together so that the child can see that although mom and dad do not live together, they have a good relationship. You write that you cannot understand his actions ... don't torture yourself, don't look for the reason for his action, you won't understand it and you won't find it, he just did it and that's it. Most importantly, do not blame yourself for anything, do not dig inside yourself, do not ask questions that you cannot answer. You work, take care of children, give yourself time and attention, books on psychology helped me a lot. Being alone is not as scary as it is scary to be next to a person capable of such betrayal. And it's good that this happened now, you will still have the opportunity to find a person worthy of you. When I thought about this situation, I asked God: "Why is this with me? Is this a test or a lesson?" If the test, then it must be passed with dignity, if the lesson, then the Lord showed me that I do not need to be with such a person. And when you understand this for yourself, everything will fall into place. I wish you a speedy mental recovery!
Julia, age: 34 / 03.10.2011
