Psychologists say that there are at least seven of them! And even the most friendly and strong alliances can be in danger of breaking. You can, of course, argue with your wife and persuade her not to make sudden movements, you can agree to this experiment, or you can make a scandal.
But it cannot be argued that troubles overtook your family suddenly. Like, yesterday everything was fine, but today - bam, and an incomprehensible crisis! No, it doesn't. It's just that, apparently, the problems that have been accumulating for quite a long time, for some reason, you did not notice (or did not want to notice).
We will not take as a basis now that difficult case when your spouse wants to live separately, because someone has appeared with her. Let's say that she just thinks that you need to take a break from each other, test the strength of feelings, or relieve tension in a relationship. All of these reasons are valid. But how do you respond to this proposal?
Do you want to keep? Let go!
Wife wants to leave for a while? Agree, - says my friend Marina, a practicing psychologist. - If you forbid, a negative will appear in the relationship, which will be difficult to get rid of (many women hate to refuse what they have already planned and seriously considered). And if they let him go - give the person peace, do not write SMS every hour, do not call 10 times a day, do not call back the next day. Time corrects almost any situation. And your spouse, having rested from you for a certain number of days (weeks), will definitely think: why did he let me go so easily? Is he fine without me? And from these thoughts it is not far from returning to the native hearth.
If the separation, in your opinion, dragged on, psychologists advise to take action. You can, of course, come for your wife, leave her things in travel bags and with the words “Well, stop fooling around already!” put in the car and bring home. But this way of returning is quite extreme, and most importantly, it does not give a 100% guarantee of establishing harmonious relations. It also does not guarantee that your spouse will not go on the run again after some time.
Be softer and more tactful. Invite her to the theater, to a concert or just to take a walk - in the end you have the right to entertainment, and you consider it unacceptable to look for a partner on the side - after all, you have a spouse. And in general, you continue to be interested in her life? Call to find out how she is doing (study, work). Offer her your help - for example, take her shopping, bring some of the things she needs, buy some groceries. Offer financial assistance - after all, you are responsible for your family. If you agreed to meet - take it responsibly, like a first date. Remember what flowers she likes, what words she likes to hear, what clothes she prefers to see you in, what kind of deodorant she especially loves. And of course, you should be clean-shaven, ideal. A break from each other should be useful.
Use forced separation not in order to accumulate grievances and claims (oh, you left me, well, I’ll still remember you!), but as an opportunity to analyze the situation in order to understand what mistakes were made. Note - you need to think not about WHO is to blame, but about HOW to fix it. In general, physical distance sometimes greatly helps rapprochement - as they say, "face to face - you can't see your face."
The absence of a partner nearby, as an irritant, will help you see what you did not see before, behind emotions. It's no secret that many men (especially if they financially provide for the family) behave with their spouses like eastern sultans - they dominate and dominate, allow and prohibit, determine and decide. A woman is obliged, they believe, to serve them from and to - from the kitchen to the bedroom. And also should ... and then follows a long list of what, in their opinion, a spouse is obliged to give them in exchange for material wealth. About feelings, tenderness, care, alas, the spouse rarely remembers (if he remembers at all) - all this is important BEFORE the wedding, and now lisping and touching is simply stupid and ridiculous. Naturally, dissatisfaction with marriage will grow in the soul of the wife of such a gentleman - having reached a certain level, she will simply pour out into a thirst for freedom, at least for a while ...
Another situation is no less common. The husband sincerely loves his wife, but ... He is more interested in his work, friends, hobbies. Of course, it is convenient and pleasant that the wife provides comfort, takes care of the children and the house, cooks deliciously. He is even proud that he got such a mistress. But, alas, she gradually begins to perceive her spouse as something integral - they say, where will she go from the submarine - familiar and ... boring. Let's not take an extreme case - when a husband is looking for thrills on the side, no. But the woman still feels that she is perceived as a kind of convenient addition to the kitchen-bed. And he offers to disperse for a while to shake things up.
Women will not be satisfied with a whining spouse, a notorious weakling who needs to constantly “wipe his snot”, reassure, encourage, praise, admire. In general, constantly jump and jump around with enthusiastic cries. Husband-child even for strong woman- a burden that cannot be carried for a long time.
Of course, we have not forgotten that "two dance tango" - and your wife probably has something to think about away from you. And we hope that she is also determined to save the family by correcting her mistakes and, possibly, her behavior. After all, love can change and fix everything - the main thing is that feelings are sincere and mutual. And the desire to disperse for a while never visited your family again.
Anna Nord. Parapsychologist and psychic. Evgeny Green's student. Subscribe to my newsletter and get for free: 1) a talisman for men from love spells 2) a talisman of instant connection to the tarot with FULL energy recovery! 3) a talisman from smoking 4) a talisman for men from love spells! annanord75_e5f232a372a2f298e6e1.gr8.com/
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Before rushing into battle with feelings, it is important to study, so to speak, the enemy in the face. And information about the existing stages of living the grief of loss (and a gap, even if a person is alive, is also considered a loss, if only because your life will now be without his usual and valuable presence), will help you prepare mentally for what will happen to you .
The main thing is to realize that each of these stages is very valuable, and you cannot skip and ignore them, because thanks to them, the so-called recovery and healing of the soul occurs. Let your psyche do its work so that in the future you again have the resources for new attempts to build healthy harmonious relationships. Otherwise, you will have to go in a circle, go through each of them again and again, not being able to free yourself.
The feeling of uncertainty can deprive a person not only of energy, but also of the resources of the body as a whole. And this threatens with insomnia, various chronic diseases, as well as prolonged depression. Therefore, clarity is urgently needed so that you understand what to do, whether to try differently in order to save the relationship, or simply forget your partner forever.
If you can't choose, write a letter. Release accumulated feelings, thoughts. This is necessary in order to more rationally approach the question "What to do next?". Most women are overly emotional and sensitive, which sometimes forces them to make rash decisions.
So, after you “disconnect” from the problem a little, make a list in which you indicate the reasons why it is worth making an effort and still stay together, or vice versa, go through the pain, but look freely into the future. Do not pay attention to the number, let there be more points in one column, but in another they will be more significant.
You should:
Realize that a person can change only when she herself wants it. No threats, manipulations, encouragement, etc. will significantly affect it. Even if a psychologist works with her. Therefore, in order to alleviate further suffering for both yourself and your loved one, whom you decided to return, you, first of all, should come to terms with his shortcomings. Then, in principle, the choice will be easier to make.
Ask yourself a question like, "Am I ready to accept his addiction to alcohol?" And if you internally feel that it is not, then at least admit that you will have to go through a lot of troubles with him then, discarding the idea that you will be able to “re-educate”, “cure” him, and so on.
Follow the wording carefully, you should talk about your feelings, and not blame, then there is a high chance that he will hear you. For example, if you say: “I feel pain, anxiety and irritation every time you leave with friends without telling me about it.
I worry about you, you are dear to me, that’s why I react like that” will be perceived more loyally and without aggression than if: “You don’t worry about me at all, your friends are more important to you, you are callous and insensitive!”. And keep calm, otherwise he will only be convinced that it is better without you. Be prudent.
As you understand, something was unbearable between you, since it came to a break. And how to return a man without changing herself, without changing the usual ways of dealing with him or stereotypes of behavior?
Rethink what turned out to be excessive, and start working on yourself. In extreme cases, this will help in the future, personal development will not hurt anyone. Yes, and do not step on the same rake, analyzing your mistakes, you will have a chance for a healthier relationship.
If he doubts, do not push or pursue, otherwise it will provoke him not to return to you, but rather, to run away to hell. After talking heart to heart, give him space, the opportunity to think everything over.
Look at these free courses they will definitely come in handy for you.
Necessary:
Realize that the stages indicated at the beginning of the article are inevitable. Enlist the support of loved ones by briefly explaining what might be happening to you. And giving recommendations on how best to treat you during this period, and what to categorically avoid. For example, taking your phone away from you when you take a large dose of alcohol, or not saying certain phrases, and so on.
Just in case, study the article. This way you will be prepared and able to take care of yourself.
If this isn't the first man you've dated, then look back at your experience by thinking about how you've dealt with a similar situation in the past, what worked for you, and what, on the contrary, aggravated the condition. General advice from others may be good, but you are an individual and only you can know what can help you.
If it's not easy to immediately recall past experiences, try closing your eyes and imagining a library. Look around, see the books around? This library is your subconscious, in which knowledge, various stories from life, and so on are structured like this.
Take a closer look at the titles, and look for "How to survive a breakup with a loved one", it will contain all the necessary material. After reading it, add some new discoveries, what you have realized now, and so on. This will help you further.
The more you loved this man, or the longer you were with him, the more likely it will hurt. Usually the most difficult period lasts from a couple of weeks to three months. Prepare for this in advance, taking into account your own individual characteristics. Someone should take a vacation and lock themselves up at home, listening to their favorite music and watching movies about love.
And someone, on the contrary, should be among people as often as possible, so you should go on a trip, or move to a friend for a while. Those who are able to escalate the situation, driving themselves further and further into depression with their own thoughts, are simply obliged to occupy their heads with work, training and other things, the main thing is that there is no way to think about what happened.
From early youth, mothers and grandmothers inspired many of us with the idea that we should not drive away “ugly” guys from ourselves: they say, ugly guys will curl around you, then the pretty ones will notice. Since then, we have often given the green light to a relationship with a person in whom we did not see a “prince on a white horse”: someone did it in order to attract the attention of other men, and someone just to not be lonely . And it is not at all necessary that this guy be ugly and unsightly, sometimes our temporary chosen ones are both smart and beautiful. And they give flowers, and invite on dates, and love, pamper. The screw responsible for romantic feelings just does not click in the brain, and that's it.
And in the soul - emptiness, heaviness, guilt. I want to break this vicious circle and break up with a man you don't love. Or maybe there were some feelings at the very beginning, but they just melted like spring snow. Too much has gone wrong as you planned and your relationship has turned into an on-duty routine. Over time, the realization came that it was not love, but only a dream about it. How to break up with a guy who looks at you with adoration, but whom you do not want to see as a permanent life partner?
And let men complain that modern women are much more important than the size of their wallets than their rich inner world, we dare not agree with this. It's not about money, or rather, not only about them. A woman wants to see a strong and purposeful person next to her, otherwise most of the worries and hardships family life falls on her shoulders. “With a dear paradise and in a hut, if dear - an attache” is a worthy continuation of the old proverb. You can continue to listen to accusations of your commercialism, but you can also set your priorities. Yes, we agree, we agree to marry the lieutenant: if only he a little aspired to become a general. Well, or at least the captain. If a man is completely devoid of ambition, then for many of us this seems either infantilism or laziness. And the thought begins to spin in my head: how to part with a guy who does not want to go forward?
His instructions should not be disputed, he always knows better what you need: whether it is the choice of clothes, or the choice of a specialty. He has an answer for everything and you are obliged to obey him unquestioningly (of course, he loves you and wants only good). Listening to his morals day and night, being afraid to stumble even a step - this is the typical fate of a girl whose partner behaves like a dictator. You can live with it, shaking with fear, making your own decisions, or you can fight the manifestation of tyranny on the part of a man.
Dear girls, if even before the ringing of wedding bells you recognized dictatorial habits in a man, then run away from him without looking back. Breaking up is the best way to avoid problems in the future, otherwise you will spend many more days and nights in tears and self-flagellation. Unless you belong to the category of women who love to obey and completely dissolve in another person, then you will be oh, how hard it is! Well, if in the candy-bouquet period he managed to show you “who is the boss in the house”, then what will happen after you start living under the same roof?
It is better to talk once and dot all the i's at once than to painfully experience regular meetings with demands to explain everything. How many painful days, how many new meetings will he need in order to understand that you will not back down? Therefore, discard even the thought of explaining yourself to him in absentia.
Be careful when choosing a place where the explanation will take place with your boyfriend. You should not do this where you were once happy together: it will look like a mockery. How to break up with a guy if you are talking in the very apartment where you indulged in passion for many days and nights? So you can go crazy - the same things are around, the same furniture, only you no longer belong to each other. But he still loves you, and talking about a gap in a significant place for both of you will be much more painful for him.
Yes, and your sober head will have a hard time, because we girls are quite romantic creatures, and even when we part, we are ready to shed tears of longing and remorse. But doing this is just not worth it. As soon as he sees your eyes filled with tears, he immediately decides that he is still dear to you and your talk about the breakup is nothing more than a way to teach him a lesson for some sins. Is this the goal you are pursuing when talking about parting?
Surely your boyfriend will require an explanation, and, in fact, he will be right. But you should not tell him that he constantly looks at Lyuska from the next entrance, or that he does not appreciate your rich inner world. Such details will drive you into a corner, because the guy will probably swear that he will improve, that he loves, that he will change his behavior and deserve forgiveness. What good, you will follow his lead - give in and agree to "try again." Just do not forget that such a step will only prolong both yours and his agony, the relationship will end anyway, but only you will have time to exhaust each other's nerves pretty much. If you initially count on his prayers and repentance, then it’s better to forget about your intention to leave. Think of ways to solve your problems in a different, more human way.
It is best to stand your ground and repeat the same thing: they say, you are breaking up only because you don’t love him anymore. Feelings have cooled down, you don’t want to deceive him - and that’s it. If you say it firmly, then he will understand that your decision is irrevocable. And no matter how hard it is for both of you, but he will accept your decision to leave. And if at the end of the conversation you suddenly pitifully say that you want to remain friends, this will be another mistake. It is impossible to remain friends for a guy and a girl who decide to break off relations - at least until his feelings cool down. It's later, when you both calm down and stop perceiving each other "heart and flesh", you can already become friends. In the meantime, it will be a real torture for your boyfriend to maintain a relationship with you based not on love, but on ordinary friendship. He will not stop trying to win you over again, and you will again move away from him.
If during a conversation he suddenly starts screaming, swearing and accusing you of all mortal sins - do not answer him with mutual insults, be above it. Perhaps he wants your negative reaction, wanting to piss you off and start a conversation on his terms. Just be quiet and listen, let his anger and confusion spill out. And then turn around and leave. All. The point has been set. You are no longer together.
Another serious mistake of girls who broke up with a guy is a petty love to talk nasty things about him behind his back. It's only been a few days since your breakup, and are you ready to let the world know what has been said and done just for you alone? How sweet it is sometimes to chat with friends and tell them about your ex. young man all the ins and outs - all his secrets and unpleasant facts of behavior. You left him first, and he is still depressed - so is it worth it to stoop to denigrate him in the eyes of others?
Believe me, neither in his eyes, nor in the eyes of your friends, you will earn pluses for yourself. They will listen to you carefully, sympathize, and perhaps retell the gossip to someone else. But here's a completely impartial opinion about you, as about a person who cannot be trusted. No matter how much he annoys you, beware of talking nasty things behind his back - it can end badly.
Well, and the last: leaving, leave. Having launched such a difficult campaign to break up with a young man, causing so much pain to both himself and him, you should not try to get the guy back. Broke up - be kind to close this page of your life. Broken happiness cannot be glued together, and you beat him thoroughly only because you were sure that happiness was not yours. People don't break up just like that, without a good reason. And whatever the “root of evil” in your situation is, it’s far from a fact that everything will not happen again. Do not enter the same river twice - our ancestors who came up with this saying were not fools. Better spread your wings, feel freedom and lightness and go in search of new happiness - this time real.