The son is on a bench in the locker room of the group.
It's all your fault," he yells. The face is red, tears are shining in the eyes.
Instead of putting on pantyhose, he waves them, demanding:
Say-and-and! Where is the front, where is the back?
Pantyhose fly in front of my nose. I am lost from screams from scratch. For two years, he dresses on his own. This skill sets him apart from his peers in the garden.
It's all your fault!
I am silent. For the first six months, it started up in response to whims. Now I have learned to pull myself together when I want to yell back or slap my ass.
You don't help me! It's your fault!
I guess what's the matter. How it hurts in the chest. “Be patient, it hurts even more,” I tell myself, realizing the reason. Exactly. Lived for 10 days with dad, who for 2 years cannot forgive a divorce and pours his pain into children's ears.
Yes, of course, it’s my fault, - I answer as calmly as possible and stroke my little son on the back, - if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t exist. Because I gave birth to you!
5 minutes of patience, and the screams come to naught. Tights, pants, sneakers are on. The son threw out the tension and joyfully runs to the exit.
Keeps not only material dependence on the spouse, but also unwillingness to hurt children
I do not grab the phone, although my hands reach out by themselves. I would like to curse (which, as a well-bred lady, in 99% of cases I don’t allow myself) the second “culprit” of the fact that our children were born.
There are three of them. The daughter was born at the very peak of the conflict, when a divorce was already inevitable.
There are many reasons for divorce. One of them is our desire to be perfect. Ideal spouses, parents. Perhaps my story will help someone hear the alarm bells. And find the strength in yourself to start changing something before it's too late.
When I finally decided to get a divorce, my eldest son was 4.5 years old, the middle one was 2.5 years old (he was waving tights in the locker room), my daughter was preparing for the birth. When I say that I left my husband with three small children, the women are shocked. Men try to hide their attitude.
And for me, a phrase from a familiar mother of two children: “I would have divorced a long time ago, but where am I alone with them?” sounded good back in 2011. When a woman depends on a man financially, she resigns herself for the sake of the safety of her offspring to the fact that she is not satisfied in marriage and in a partner.
Although it keeps not only material dependence on the spouse, but also the unwillingness to hurt children, the fear of condemnation. Unwillingness to admit the failure of the project called "family".
I left, burning all the bridges. I could stay in the family only by becoming a walking corpse, who almost does not care what is happening around. A man of indeterminate sex with an extinct look forever.
Oddly enough, it all started with a desire to be happy. And build your business. When future husband wanted me to go with him to another city, my parents dissuaded me a lot (we had known him for one week). Mom was afraid that I would not be able to cope. That our relationship will end in 3 years. Then I said to myself (probably out of a desire to prove to my mother that she was wrong): “I will be happy!”
Mom was wrong. We lived together not 3, but 11 years. I was even more wrong than my mother. Having fallen into the trap of positive thinking, she tried to see pluses in her husband and in the situation.
I tried not to notice that all his stories are about treacherous wives and bad mothers in the background. good men. My ego was warmed by the thought: "If he is so disappointed in women and chose me, then I'm special." She accepted him for who he is. She followed his principles and views, abandoning her own.
When the situation requires it, I learn to live in Spartan conditions. Sometimes there is nothing to eat. But we "do not lose heart" or pretend. We practice healthy fasting. And we live by the principle "No debts and loans." We do not ask for help, even from parents. We don't have friends. No time to be friends. We are moving towards the goal.
For the sake of achieving it, we do not get a hired job.
Even when I went to “cold sales” at the 8th month, my husband did not look for an opportunity to earn extra money. It will distract from the goal, throw back, eat time. And I could not convey how hard it is for me, mentally and physically. I just did.
Her husband's perseverance was admirable. And I admired. She was a comrade-in-arms and comrade-in-arms. Only 10 years later I realized that I did not live then. Fought and fought. At the negotiations - for the right to possess other people's money. At home - for the right not to go to this war. The second battle was invariably lost.
From a life-tormented draft horse, I began to slowly turn into a living person.
In parallel with the business, we are building a family. It seems to work. He seems to be the head. Hanging up a sign: “I am on strategic issues”, makes decisions, takes official responsibility.
The case was started by him, framed on him. Mortgage - on it. So why is there so much humility in my decision to be a "sales person" in a joint business? Why is there a flag flying over this decision: “If you want to be together, sales cannot be avoided”?
Why is fear covering me? It is logical, because at the moment when I have a newborn baby in my arms, it depends on my selling texts how soon we can pay off the mortgage and whether we can do it at all ... Out of fear for the children, I am more and more harnessed to the cart: work, children, garden ... every day I look more like a draft horse than a woman. There is no time to ask yourself the question: “Why?”
Even when the mortgage was paid off, I couldn't stop. Probably, in order not to look for answers to the questions: why in our life together so little joint? Where is the joy? Yes, there is business, bed, conversations on his favorite topics, children. And it's all? Is this enough?
Why is the retribution for many of the decisions that we made “together” so heavily placed only on my shoulders?
Decided that children should not wear disposable diapers. Who wakes up 5 times a night to change diapers? Who rushes home with a stroller because the child peed on a walk in -25 ° C?
The first time I "bounced" when our first child was denied access to developmental classes because he described the carpet of the Montessori Center for the third time.
So don't take me to class," said the husband.
It seemed unthinkable to me to deprive a child of education and development because of some principle. I bought diapers at least to put on for an hour in the center.
The second time I didn't buck. A new thought process just started when a frightening thought crept into my mind: “What will happen to me and the children (there were two of them at that time) if something happens to him?”
We had a joint business registered in his name. According to the law, the right to enter into an inheritance is 6 months. How can I survive these six months with my children if the whole system from which I extract money by writing sales letters stops?
She blamed herself for such thoughts and therefore did not discuss the issue of her safety with him (in our country it is somehow not customary to talk with a person that, thinking about his death, you worry about yourself). She didn't even allow herself to think about it. But, apparently, in the subconscious, the process began.
I began to gain strength. Look for opportunities. Recognize desires. Get training. Seek what will give me to drink the fullness of life. From a life-tormented draft horse, she slowly began to turn into a living person. I started (for the first time in 10 years of marriage) to read books not only on copywriting, sales and about children, but what I like. I bought a laptop and enjoyed the spring, because I could sit not in the house, but under the blossoming apple trees in our garden. I felt my true self come back to me.
Fell in love. I wanted to leave my family. I was condemned. At that moment, the parents refused to support, saying: “Try to save the family. You have children." It hurt that my parents weren't on my side. Who then at all for me? Is the whole world against it? It seemed like they were the only ones who could help.
I was on the 7th month and decided “suddenly” that I have the right to be on maternity leave
Listened to parental advice. For six months, when we were trying to save the family, he gave flowers and even once took him to a restaurant 170 km away. Surprised by breakfast. Did a massage. He gave me books to read on how to be a proper Vedic wife.
But I could not forgive myself or him for the super efforts that I made on myself when we were moving towards common goals. Yes, I have become strong. And thank him for that. But the Woman, put on a starvation ration of denial of desires, was dying too painfully in me.
If I lived in the city, I would just leave with the children while he was at work, in English. But my husband did not go to work, and we lived 320 km from the nearest large city: it seemed that I simply had nowhere to go ... Therefore, we still lived together.
The third time I couldn't take it. She refused to write selling texts on a topic that had long ceased to be interesting. Yes, she feeds us. But what this process took from me cannot be measured in money. It was as if a huge black hole was forming in me, through which a powerful vacuum cleaner pumped out the joy of life and moral strength.
I was 7 months pregnant and decided "suddenly" that I have the right to be on maternity leave, at least once. Refused to inhabit a black hole again. I couldn't stop noticing how it was eating me from the inside.
My husband (and business partner all rolled into one) urged me to "get back in business." For the first time, he failed to convince me. I decided to stop being a fighting friend, a comrade-in-arms. I wanted to be and feel like a woman. I was expecting a daughter. This increased responsibility.
What I can give her now, while she is inside, is energy and health. She didn't want the black hole to take what was intended for the baby. I tried to explain this to my husband. But in 10 years I have not learned to speak in a language he understands about what is critically important to me. Then she simply went into not doing and not talking about it.
In my decision to transfer the right of earner to him, I remained firm as a rock for two months. I had to beat myself on the hands, because work is also a drug. I already said: "Learn to write yourself."
I didn’t take it seriously, I didn’t want to grow in this direction. 'Cause I've always let myself be persuaded.
Approached New Year. This is a time of joy and anxiety for entrepreneurs. Because on New Year's Eve you can make good money or suck your paw all January if you fail.
When I saw how he earned less than five thousand rubles instead of a potential 200 thousand rubles, I had to make a difficult decision: be patient and let him learn from his mistakes, starving himself and depriving children, or take sales into my own hands again?
I realized that in two or three weeks, when there would be nothing to eat, I would give up under his pressure and again become a workhorse, depressingly wandering in a circle. Decided to take a pro-active position. Thought out the letter and sent it to subscribers. It felt like I was jumping into the last car of a departing train.
For me then the family was something sacred. Divorce was seen as a failure and a disgrace
An hour later, the payment system exploded from applications. There was money for a month and a half of a quiet life. Then I realized that I would not be lost alone. I insisted that he give me 1/3 of the profits. And I went to my parents. I needed the strength to make a final decision.
Yes. After all, I was thinking about divorce for a year and a half. In the last month, she suggested finding options when he would take on more responsibility for children and earnings, and I could exhale.
If, when I said that I was getting a divorce, instead of hysteria, manipulating children and tightening screws, he would have tried to listen to my needs, I would have stayed.
For me then the family was something sacred. Divorce was seen as a failure and a disgrace. The collapse of life values. Of course, I did not want to be the initiator. But living with someone who denies you is suicidal. And I was saved. Having received help from a psychologist, a friend and parents, she began to fight for the right to be herself.
When we got divorced, I learned that the environment considered our family a role model. Men cited me as an example to their wives: here, they say, is how to support a husband and his authority.
For 10 years I tried to be perfect. I sincerely considered myself lucky. But it turned out that with admiration, support and selfless plowing for the benefit of the family, I only inflated the male ego to incredible proportions.
Be kind to your loved ones and to yourself. The family is not just a unit of society
My responsibility is that I did not know how to realize and convey my needs to him and did not understand that without this - death. And you need to do this from the very beginning of the relationship. It is hardly possible to quickly retrain when 10 years allowed otherwise.
It is we who teach other people how to treat us and how not to. From the first meeting and all my life. The attempt to deceive nature failed. When it ceased to appear, and began to simply “be”, it turned out that my husband could not accept me. By hook or by crook, he tried to shove me back into the Procrustean bed of his ideal wife. But it was no longer the right size.
P.S. I am still for the family. Not a supporter of divorce. Indeed, it is scary to look into the soul and understand what is happening with children whose parents are divorced. But it is hardly better in the soul of those children whose parents, although together, both (or one of them) have turned into "spiritual mannequins."
Be kind to your loved ones and to yourself. The family is not just a cell of society. Let it become a place where everyone is happy.
Yes, I read the posts and just in shock! how many evil people clinging to credit cards! apparently also someone's mistress, or those who built their happiness on someone else's misfortune! For those who do not understand = my husband does not refuse to provide us financially, he did not cover access to credit cards! leaves the apartment and the car! in general, noble in this regard! She asked for support - not for slandering "why did she give birth", it's a pity for money, etc. You are not in my situation, and like this in a topic you cannot tell about your life, but your impressions, well-wishers, are superficial! It's not for you to judge whether I'm bad or good! when my husband left, he told me that it was not about me, but about him, that that lady was no better and no worse than me, that I was very beautiful, it was just about HIM! I won’t make excuses if you got to know this person better - you wouldn’t throw remarks at me and hurt me with the words that there is a loved one, but I’m tired of my children! not only my children - he took part in their conception, quite consciously! If I knew where to lay straws, I would have made beds! how much cruelty, how much anger... THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND ME! And for the rest - I won't waste time explaining to you what you don't want to hear!
For malicious ones - my husband will provide me not only for six months, but much more and does not insist on my immediate return to work! I will still take care of the kids! and I will go to work when my children adapt in the kindergarten, because they are at home with me - it was dad's decision so that the children would not go to the kindergarten! Now their lives are changing! if I had the opportunity to work and earn money for three children, I would not take a penny from him and in general, I would go somewhere, never to see or hear again! His departure is a big trauma for the children, I will survive, but the eldest is very homesick, and I don’t know how to tell her the truth while he is on a business trip! I can’t turn my tongue, to say that dad has gone to another aunt and will be there!
Again, for the malevolent - such love, big and bright, he is free, left, why didn’t her beloved leave her husband and continue to live in the family that keeps her? after all, such love and children are already adults, unlike mine!
A man starting a family and children takes responsibility, he is obliged to provide for his children, if he is a normal man, and not just a male, had fun and dumped! and my children have the right to live in abundance, as they used to, despite the fact that dad is gone! I don’t ask him anything for myself, I’ll earn for myself!
not for you to judge what I am, not for you!
oh, how easy it is to spit in the soul! If you can't say anything good - shut up!
"... I'm probably not the first and not the last to whom such a story happens. My husband left me and the children. It hurts, not for myself anymore, but for the children. What will I tell them when they grow up and questions about him begin ?! Our family didn’t finish even a year, as it went at the seams.
A few months ago, triplets were born in one of the capital's maternity hospitals: two girls and a boy. Significant event. Khayala is the mother of these beautiful kids, but dad... Dad did not come to visit the kids, since that day he has been completely absent from their lives. For him, the birth of three children was ... an unpleasant annoyance.
Many of us dream of a strong, most importantly, complete family. And the vast majority of women imagine that they will marry a loved one, give birth to happy children, become the best parents in the world. Unfortunately, the fairy tale, turning into an unpredictable sinister joke, can collapse at some point.
The story of Khayala's "love and marriage" is as simple and banal as yesterday. We met by chance, met - not for long, and as is customary in good families, after a while, elchi - matchmakers knocked on the door of Khayali's parental house. They got married in February. At that time, the girl was already 29 years old.
"... Did I love him? I never asked myself this question, it was enough that I liked him. At first we lived together, he managed to provide the family with everything necessary. It seemed that everything was fine. True, at times the newly-made husband I drank heavily. At first, it bothered me, but not much. It would pass, I thought. How wrong I was. The only thing that overshadowed me then, and him too, were miscarriages that happened to me twice. We, like obsessed, dreamed about the child. I went through a long course of treatment, after which I became pregnant again. To prevent a miscarriage from happening again, my husband and I decided that I would live with my parents for a while. "
Some time later, Khayala found out that she would become a mother of triplets. Such news did not cause any special emotions in the spouse, in particular, positive ones. The pregnancy was difficult. The girl was placed to preserve the fetuses in the Republican Perinatal Center. Doctors did everything possible to ensure that the babies were born healthy.
I stayed in the center of Khayala for two long months. However, during this time, neither the spouse nor his other relatives visited the future woman in labor. The relationship between the spouses went so wrong that they no longer communicated.
"... From the maternity hospital with newborn children, I went to my mother: alone in the house of a spouse, at first she could not cope with three children at once, and the conditions in her husband's house were not conducive to this. My husband came to my parents only once, and then, being pretty tipsy. After leaving, he managed to borrow money from me. Let it be a small, but quite tangible amount in today's situation for me. And after a while I find out that he refuses our children: allegedly, I became pregnant by artificial insemination. He said and other nonsense. An exhausting showdown over the phone began, which never led to anything. After some time, news reaches me that he married another woman (religious marriage - ed.), without filing a divorce with He wrote to me once that he had found the one and only, with whom he is happy today.
My husband left me with three babies. Sounds cruel, doesn't it? It is difficult to contain emotions, it is simply impossible. He left us with absolutely no guilt or responsibility for his children."
According to Khayala, she had a glimmer of hope that everything would still be formed: her husband, who was addicted to alcohol, would take up his mind, start working, take care of the family, children, and stop drinking. However, no. Here the mother-in-law declared that Khayala was a bad wife, “she didn’t dream of such a daughter-in-law,” while the husband defended, vehemently defended the parent: “I am obliged to love even after such statements.”
"... I would return to him, but now - how ?! He brought a new wife to the house, according to rumors, she is also expecting a child from him - for him, this is apparently very simple. I filed for divorce and alimony."
According to Azerbaijani legislation, non-execution of a court decision - evasion of alimony payments - provides for criminal liability. Under Article 306 of the Criminal Code of Azerbaijan, fathers hiding from payment face 3 years in prison or a fine in the amount of five hundred to one thousand minimum wages.
"... Our family is poor, we can barely make ends meet. They help good people who are aware of our situation: who will bring medicine to children when they are sick, and who will buy food, clothes and diapers for them. Unfortunately, at the moment I am not able to provide them myself, I do not work. We live on my mother's pension, social assistance, and also on a few manats a day that my children's grandfather earns in a tea shop."
It should be noted that in Azerbaijan, working mothers for children under 1 year and 6 months old are given 30 manats, up to 3 years - 20 manats. If the family is low-income and receives targeted social assistance from the state, then each child of this family under the age of 1 year is given an allowance of 45 manats.
"... The child requires expenses, proper care, and now imagine that I have three of them. In August they will be one year old."
From time to time they are left without diapers and cereals for babies - they are in dire need. The father of the children does not give them even a little help.
“I’m tired of tearing my soul, all this is unbearable, I try to control myself, but my hands drop. I look at the children, my heart breaks: how can I cope with three kids alone?! Divorce in itself is a big blow for a woman, and divorce is in my position, with three babies - this is a blow ... triple "...
Zarina Oruj
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Hello! It seems that just recently you were happy about the birth of a child, made joint plans, and suddenly - your husband left you with your children. You are at a loss ... For you, the situation in which the husband leaves with a small child is an absolute wrongness that could not happen to your family.
The husband leaves the family with one or two children - and now the most important thing for you is to return the father to the children. Not a husband in the family - but a father to children. After all, children are the most important thing. Almost all women make this mistake.
But after all, he did not cease to be a father (whether a bad father or a good father, he is still a father). He left you, his status as a husband is changing, so it is important and necessary to focus on this.
Men leave their pregnant wives, leave their wives immediately after giving birth, the husband leaves the family with two children. The most striking examples that are heard: Arshavin, who left his wife with three children; actor Evgeny Tsyganov left his wife with seven children! And this list can be continued without end and edge. Why is this happening?
People are divided into men and women not only by external signs. Each group has a clearly defined pattern of behavior.
You have heard more than once, and perhaps you yourself have said to your son: “Men don’t cry,” or to your daughter: “Girls don’t behave like that.” Moreover, the smallest crumb understands what it is about.
There is an external identification, and there is an internal sense of self:
Lots of points. We will not list everything. In this case, what matters is that some social roles are more important for us than others. And here we finally come to the main idea.
For a woman, an important inner role is “I am a mother”. It doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be beautiful woman, does not want love or does not plan to build a career. This means that she can sacrifice all the rest of her manifestations of her "I", if necessary for the sake of children.
For a man, an important internal role is “I am a man”. This does not mean that he does not love his children or does not want a happy family. This means that he can sacrifice all the rest of his manifestations of his "I", if necessary, to preserve the feeling of being a man in the first place.
And now very simple mathematics - as soon as a woman begins to treat her husband, basically, as the father of her children, and not as a beloved and, most importantly, desired man, a siren begins to sound inside him, warning of danger.
As a result, we see the following picture: the husband left you with the children and left, and you ...
These are all strategically incorrect behaviors that only make the situation worse.
Let's first define your end goal. Do you just want a man with you, even if he is unhappy next to you? Or to have a strong family and a loving spouse again?
The answer is obvious only at first glance, as voluntarily or involuntarily, women continue to manipulate children, trying to restore the family.
Yes, there is a chance that a spouse may succumb to pressure and stay with you, sacrificing their emotions for the sake of children. Only it will not be a family - although it may last your whole life. He will love children and endure you because of them. And the saddest thing is that you will feel and know it every day.
The second option is that your reproaches will only cause aggression or complete disregard. The husband will generally stop any contact with you.
He himself knows what he is. He himself knows that this is bad. Your husband, making the decision to leave you with a small child, is already internally ready for these accusations. Therefore, these reproaches are off target. You can remind him as much as you like that the most important thing is children, but this will only alienate you from each other.
Actually, he went into all serious trouble - walks, cheats, leaves precisely because his "I - Man" overpowered his "I - Father" in him.
Do you understand?
It is very important. This is the key to how to get your husband back, the key to understanding what exactly he lacks.
If the husbandabandoned you and your childrenit can be returned! After all, in fact, a man loves his children, he wants a family, he wants comfort. But at the same time, the realization that now he is on the sidelines in the life of his woman is extremely difficult for him to perceive. And the man simply runs away from the family, instead of finding out the reasons and finding a way out.
To youWe urgently need to take matters into our own hands.
Why is it important to hurry? Most often, a man leaves a family with children for his mistress. Only a woman can give him the feeling that he is valuable in himself, that he is the main thing in someone's life. That he can still evoke emotions, desires, feel that his whole life - until the end of his days, does not consist of only one: “You must this”, “You must this”. Do you understand?
It speaks and acts "I am a Man". Now, due to various circumstances, you have “lost” a man in him, and therefore your husband is looking for a sense of the need for these qualities on the side.
As he believes, another woman understands, desires and appreciates him. Another, not you. And children can visit on weekends. After all, half the country lives like this.
And that is why we will not return the father to the children - but the beloved man to you. First you are a wife - building relationships with her husband, and only then you are a mother. As a result, you have a strong family, loving husband and you are sure that he is happy with you!
Understanding the reasons is only half the battle, it is especially important for you not to succumb to emotional attacks. It is difficult to stay alone with children from any side: moral, material - that's just where to get the strength and start acting. It is so?
On this page you see a video clip "How to get your husband back." Hear it!
I recorded step by step instructions what and how Withdo so that you can restore relations with her husband and returnfather to children.
This technique works!
Even if he already lives with another.
Even if you are already divorced.
I remind you once again - you are now returning your beloved man to the family. Let him feel it.
Now gather your attention and listen to this lesson!
With faith in you, Maria Kalinina.
The first shock has passed. Thank you all for your support.
The main thing is that constructive thinking has returned.
1) I agreed at work with my boss (luckily for me, she also turned out to be pregnant and easily entered my position) that I would be paid maternity benefits based on the full salary - in total for 6.5 months with twins. This money is enough for about 1.5 years, taking into account that my current nanny-assistant will stay to pick up the child after kindergarten and take him to courses and for one trip in the summer with the whole family somewhere, apparently not far away - I don’t want to take the kids to the sea. There is also a cottage of 24 acres, where children will have expanse. Far away, true, but clean air;
2) After 1.5-2 years, I still want to go to work. So far, my current salary is enough for both a household assistant and a nanny. No one, of course, knows what will happen in 2-3 years. But I hope that it will be enough in these few years.
3) I came up with the idea of renting out my apartment in Moscow and renting in the Moscow region - the difference is significant. And this money will again go to the budget. It remains only to look for a decent school and choose the area.
4) I establish friendly relations with my husband. I involve in the search for a school for the child, the choice of a doctor, a maternity hospital. Discussed his terms of reference after my birth. He says he is ready to help. Today I sent him for an interview - I hope they will take him. If you manage to arrange it at my suggestion, it will be easier to agree on the part of the salary that he will give to the children. But yesterday he confirmed his intention to earn and help us with money. We continue to live separately. I plan to maintain friendly relations with him in the future - in this case, this is the most optimal so far.
5) I agree with grandmothers about what kind of help someone can provide - sit, take a walk. I make schedules, I listen to wishes. I won't force anyone, of course. I don't want to throw my problems onto other people's shoulders. But they seem to want to help. God forbid that desires do not run dry.
6) Friends collect dowries for children. There seems to be a lot of stuff. This item of expenditure is slowly disappearing. What a blessing to have friends!
Thanks to all those who supported me here. It helped me a lot to get my fighting spirit back and keep moving forward. Thank you for your positive feedback, kindness and honesty. You helped me get out of a state of depression that threatened to develop into a chronic one. Thanks again to everyone!!!
Separately, I would like to say a few words to people who, apparently, find some kind of sadistic pleasure in the fact that someone is blasphemed, condemned, rude, uncivilized and insulted, without really understanding the situation. It only speaks of your narrow-mindedness, stupidity and malice. Thankfully, there aren't many of you. I remind you that the topic of this topic does not include a discussion of the reasons that led to this situation. Believe me, if I wanted to ask you about it, I would have done it. But I'm not interested in your opinion on this matter. I only briefly described the situation so that the picture is complete and excludes some additional questions. Everything is not as obvious as it seems to your meager mind. If you want to take out your anger on this world, choose another place. And if you have nothing to say on the subject of the topic, get out of here. I am sure that for people who are so overwhelmed with anger and rudeness, things themselves are not so smooth in this life.
