Love does not choose the right place, time and age. A feeling can “flare up” both between friends and between colleagues. However, the last time you made a mistake and now you are tormented by how to get out of the situation “my ex is my colleague”.
A feeling of annoyance, resentment, self-compassion gnaws at you every morning, and going to work.
Now " ex love“Just a colleague. Mental "wounds" have not yet healed, you constantly have to see this person. Eventually, it becomes unbearable. How to behave and continue to work with an ex-boyfriend? Pretend like nothing happened? But what about the constant smirks of colleagues and the silent “I told you!” girlfriends?
Consider several options for the development of events.
The first and main mistake of most girls is to completely ignore the "former". At first, the thought comes to mind that it is necessary to quit, find another job. But after thinking and weighing all the pros and cons, you remain: high wages, a close-knit and familiar team, knowledge of your work from “a” to “z”, and many other factors protect your mind.
Working with an ex is not easy. And therefore, now you have a new task: to choose the right manner of communication, to show that your relationship is over, you are a self-sufficient girl and continue to do your job with confidence, without getting lost in constant reflections on what to do when my ex is my colleague. Because now for you he really is just a colleague, nothing more.
However, this behavior has back side: you close in yourself, and you can close for a long time, preventing new feelings from “sprouting” later. After all, your detachment and arrogance can scare away not only the “former”, but also the “future”. In this situation, you should understand that an office romance at work is an experience, albeit a sad one, but an invaluable experience! Now you know what innocent farewells can lead to after? Treat this situation philosophically and do not stop reproaching yourself for weaknesses and failures.
There is “folk wisdom” that helps to distract from the old. It is a fact. Just don’t do everything “for show”: your new relationship should not be perceived as revenge, advertise it or shout at work to everyone in a row that this is not serious (or, conversely, serious) - this will not lead to anything good.
Yes, and who knows, maybe a new hobby will become that very “real” one? There is nothing wrong with forgetting in a new relationship, it is only worth understanding and respecting the feelings of a partner without sacrificing his feelings. Ideally, of course, so that new relationships do not begin to take shape at work and do not become another office romance.
All people are different, situations are the same, so it is inappropriate to judge the optimal solution to a problem for all situations. Unfortunately, there are also situations when the "former" simply mocks you, realizing that your feelings for him have not cooled down yet. This is expressed in ridicule, statements, ridiculing the nuances of your relationship with colleagues. Working with an ex you didn't end up amicably with can be a challenge.
But you should not react to such bullying and take everything personally. Think about how good it is that this person has saved you from the possible prospect of being disappointed in him in the distant future. After all, a completed relationship with former colleagues is one thing, and parting with a soulmate is quite another. The rest of the employees are not inside your conflict and most likely understand what it is like to work with an ex-boyfriend, so they prefer to stay away.
Life situations are not only positive emotions, but also disappointments, unpleasant memories and unpleasant experiences. But the main thing to understand is that there are no hopeless situations and irreplaceable people.
As they say, there is no bad without good. Even when life seems cruel and unfair, look for ways to see that the experience has helped you become stronger, mentally prepared for anything. You can safely work with an ex-boyfriend without turning it into a test. You will learn to abstract from the shared past and you yourself will not notice how you have ceased to experience discomfort from communicating with him.
Of course, it is better to choose such tactics as friendly relations even after parting. This will help you endure all the troubles less painfully, and in the person of the "former" you may eventually get a friend. But, even in the case when it is not possible to mutually agree to friendly relations, set a goal for yourself: to achieve recognition at work, build a career, but not in order to prove something to him, but as an opportunity to direct efforts in the right direction, not spilling over into experiences.
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Ending a relationship is hard. Especially if you are not leaving, but from you. Anger and resentment often push people to rash acts that not only put them in a bad light, but also prevent them from starting a new, happy relationship. Many of these things are considered completely normal, but in fact, they are what make us blame ourselves and suffer for years over the former.
We are in website put together a list of typical things that many people do at the end of a relationship, as well as reasons why they should never be practiced.
When a partner leaves, it seems that things won't get worse and you can say whatever you think. Out of anger, we often say rude and very offensive words, throw things out of the door and pretend that we ourselves wanted to leave. It seems that such behavior helps to save face, but in fact it will be worse for us, and not for the partner.
Why is it harmful: very soon the anger will let go, and if you have said too much, you will be ashamed. There may be an illusion that the person left because of your rudeness and inappropriate behavior. And although this is actually a consequence, and not a cause, it is very easy to believe that it was you who messed up everything, and for a long time get stuck in blaming yourself and trying to fix everything.
There will be a desire to whitewash your image in the eyes of your ex-partner, and this thought will haunt you, forcing you to commit more and more rash acts, including running around and humiliation.
The departure of a person can knock the ground out from under your feet, especially if it is unexpected for you. Quite often, people try to explain how much they love their partner: writing long letters of confession or calling at night after drinking a few glasses for courage. It seems that if a person realizes how much they love him, then he will immediately return back.
Why is it harmful: the problem in the lack of feelings is not with you, but with the other side. Such actions cause a feeling of guilt and a desire to justify themselves, but do not touch in any way. As a result, the person will most likely want to minimize communication with you, and you, having come to your senses after humiliation, will feel miserable and crushed.
When they leave you, the offer of friendship is most often caused by guilt or even just the desire to keep a loved one close to you. To agree to it immediately after the breakup means to become even more bogged down in thoughts about the former partner.
Why is it harmful: if you broke up not by mutual agreement, then friendly communication will most likely give hope that everything will work out. You can communicate closely for years and wait until you are offered to renew the relationship. But time will pass, and the proposal, most likely, will not follow.
Some people get angry after a breakup. It seems to them that they were used, and they want compensation. Because of this, even generally non-greedy people sometimes ask to return expensive gifts or money spent: they want to offend their former partner, but at the same time they don’t think about how they themselves look in such a situation.
Why is it harmful: after such an act of self-respect is unlikely to increase. And the former partner will have a reason to tell all mutual acquaintances about your pettiness. And then your shortcomings and weaknesses will be discussed. Leave the past in the past, and your image for yourself and your partner - loving and caring. The more noticeable will be the contrast between your warm and cold attitude.
Many people use clothes and books forgotten from each other, unpresented gifts and other trifles as an occasion to once again remind themselves of themselves. It seems that there is nothing to worry about, because communication is strictly on the case. But actually it is not.
Why is it harmful: constant attention, not even related to romance, makes the significance of a person even higher. At first it may not be noticeable, but after six months it will turn out that you do not want to go on dates, because for some reason the former is still not out of your head.
If there is an understatement or misunderstanding, there is a great temptation to clarify the situation and try to win mutual acquaintances over to your side. It seems that if you talk to your mother or best friend partner, they will be able to reason with him to return to you. But it will turn out exactly the opposite.
Why is it harmful: most likely, the person will feel that you are putting pressure on him. Especially if loved ones really start to press and persuade them to return. The pressure will reinforce him in the thought that it is better to stay away from you. But, most likely, no one will persuade, and you will simply waste your time, humiliating yourself and talking about your problems to strangers.
Many people understand that calling in the middle of the night with confessions is too much. However, the desire to let the ex know that you are sad and you love him does not disappear. Statuses in social networks, sad songs and photos will really show that you feel bad, but they will not help you get out of this state.
Why is it harmful: instead of thinking about how to improve his condition, a person is waiting for help from outside - that a partner will return to him or at least friends will console him. But such a public demonstration of their emotions rather causes irritation and ridicule among others. And after a while, it becomes embarrassing.
It's only been a week, and the former partner has already found someone? Resentment often causes a desire to talk to this person. Especially if it seems to you that your relationship is not over yet and this is just a quarrel, not a breakup.
Why is it harmful: looking for information about your partner's new lover, you pay more and more attention to this completely alien person for you, instead of wasting this time on yourself. “Just curiosity” often turns into mania, and now you already know his place of work, regularly look at photos, notice all the shortcomings and write nasty things to him anonymously or even openly. And he lives his life calmly and laughs at your hysteria. In addition, in the future, you will regret this time that could be spent on a hobby, work, or finding a new lover.
It seems that the partner is not saying something, and if you put everything on the shelves, then the situation can be corrected. At the same time, there is a high probability of spending more than one month delving into yourself or finding out from another what was wrong. But this does not improve the overall situation.
Why is it harmful: it is unlikely that you will be able to convince your partner with your excuses and assurances of love, if only because he already knows this. If the reason for the breakup was not your terrible behavior and obvious mistakes that you should apologize for, then there is no point in rummaging through the past and dotting the i.
If you do useful things instead of harmful things, you can recover after parting quite quickly. What helped you bounce back after a tough breakup?
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. We met with the young man for almost six months. For four months, the relationship was wonderful, they went shopping together, went to another city for a couple of days, spent all their free time at lunch or in the evening together. There was a big attraction to each other. Respect, trust, feelings. In terms of intimacy, he has been waiting for me for several months. And so we could just sleep next to each other and feel like family. We began to think about the future, about the family. Then somehow I got offended at him for no reason, and he ignored me for a week. Then I went to another city for two weeks. We talked on Skype, but not as often, because he was busy. When I arrived, we spent the evening together, all the same dear, hugging me as if I were all he had, talking about the future. He began to block up at work and began to go to football from work and he began to call and write less often. Then he disappeared altogether. When I wrote to him, he said that there was a lot of work and no time for anything. Since we work almost together, I know that there really was a lot of work. But the fact that he did not call or write killed me. I started asking if he broke up with me, he said no, he's just torn. So two weeks passed. Then I could not stand it and wrote that I was tired, that I was avoiding, that I was missing. We only saw each other once in a month. To which he replied that we need to remain friends, because he does not want to torment me with the fact that he does not have time for me. I asked him if he needed me, he said no, for two weeks already. Then he wrote that he was fine with me, but did not want to be tormented and therefore left. I'm shocked. It doesn’t fit in my head that a dear and close person left it like that .. And it’s not clear why .. A person who always cared about me, just like I did about him. Helped my parents with repairs. He introduced me to all his friends .. How to survive this .. I don’t understand where the feelings have disappeared. I would very much like to return, but I think it's best to forget him, but how. I met many guys, but I never had such a relationship, even with the one I dated for 5 years. I put all of myself into this relationship and it was mutual. How to find strength in yourself? How to understand all this? And most importantly, how to work with him? I often need his help, as the work is sometimes joint. Only one voice and name makes me want to cry. Everyone understands that it will become easier with time, but how to deal with him now? Of course, I would very much like him to change his mind .. I'm confused. Help, please, advice.
Hello Olga.
I understand you very much and share your state of mind. Because I know how women's thinking works. It is much easier for a woman to get into a love addiction and fixate on a man (by nature) than to remain free and make many life decisions on her own.
And the state that you describe is just love addiction: you cannot stop loving and you cannot fall in love with yourself. There is only one thing left - to understand the reason and find the strength in yourself to "unstick" from the young man.
Difficult ..... You are not the first and, unfortunately, you are not the last. All women are subject to this. Men are more fortunate in this regard :)
But let's try to understand your situation. On your part, there was a "sticking" on this guy. It makes no sense to analyze the reasons, because they are simple and hardly related to children's psychological trauma. You have, like any woman, the desire for a cozy nest, the desire to give and take love, warmth and intimacy. This is absolutely normal. It's not normal that you gave your all to this relationship. This to some extent speaks of dislike for yourself. It was as if you were saying to the guy, "You suit me. I will give you all of myself, but I will not leave anything for myself."
It's great when both partners have the same expectations from each other and from the relationship.
But this is not always the case. And something didn't work for your boyfriend. You have turned from a state of an equal partner in a relationship into a victim: you have invested all of yourself in a relationship, and now you feel abandoned, betrayed, used, etc. At the same time, you continue to live in these relationships, giving your life energy there.
If earlier relationships gave you hope and energy, now they just take it away from you.
A woman is very creative by nature. And nature endowed a woman with such an amount of creative energy that she is enough not only for a man and relationships with him, not only for a family and children, but also for self-development, for the creation of many beautiful things. A woman is able to do several things at the same time (talk on the phone, check the child's lessons, cook food, watch what is happening outside the window and comment on it). Imagine this amount of energy.... And you put all that creative energy into the relationship and into the guy. Of course you will feel depressed.
How to get out of this?
1. The more you depend, the less you are needed. And not because you are not interested. But because any person will be afraid to take responsibility for the life of another person who imposes himself completely and completely. Perhaps the guy felt that you were entrusting him with all of yourself and unconsciously appreciated that he was not yet ready to answer for the two of you.
2. You can and will get his attention back if you openly show your independence and disinterest in him. As if to say "It didn't work out, it didn't work out that way. I'll try with another." Become a strong professional in your work. The independence of a woman is very hurtful to men. They want to conquer her.
3. To deal with your feelings yourself, start contacting other men, even if (and this is the case at first) they are unattractive to you.
4. In no case do not use different rituals to forget: do not delete contacts, correspondence. Just "turn on" complete inaction regarding him: do not speak, do not look, do not listen if the communication is not related to business. And do not avoid business contacts. Everything should look like you don't care. Don't pick up your phone when business hours are over. Rating 4.81 (18 Votes)
It so happened that your relationship with a man began at work. You broke up, but no one wants to quit. How to work with an ex-boyfriend who is constantly in front of you?
As you know, we do not choose the place and time of meeting with the future soulmate. People get to know each other anywhere: on the street, on vacation, on a train or plane, in a cafe and at work. And if the characters do not agree, then you can simply part and go in different directions. But if you met at work, then you can’t go anywhere: you will have to see your ex-passion every day. What to do, how to work with the former, communicate and build your relationship further?
Of course, it's best not to start any novels at work in principle. After all, it is not known whether you will be together in the future or not. As a rule, after parting, a period of conflict often sets in, which is absolutely inappropriate in the workplace. But if this is what happened and your lover is a colleague, be careful in the future. Loud, scandalous breakups should not be allowed if you still decide to run away. The break must be peaceful. And even if he hurt you or deceived you, betrayed you, do not make a scene, intelligently find out the relationship and smoothly end it. It is impossible to disperse as enemies, it will be simply impossible to work together after that.
You are unlikely to achieve, so neutrality is the best that can be. If you just broke up, it takes time for the wounds to heal. Take a wait-and-see attitude and consider the following important points.
If the relationship left behind a lot of negative emotions, it's hard to imagine how to work with the former without remembering these sad details. But the only way out, if you do not want to leave your post, is to find the strength in yourself to admit that you made a mistake in a person and live on.
Hello. I’m 23 years old. I met a young man at a temporary job. At first we just talked, and then dates began and turned into relationships. At that time, there were no serious relationships for a couple of years, and I didn’t want to waste my nerves. a handsome man, a few years older, and it seemed that he understood what he wanted. And although I cautiously decided on this relationship. There was no love as such, but I thought that over time a "great feeling" would come. I liked it very much and for the first time in my life I thought that this was the person with whom I could connect my life in the future. There had never been such a thought before! He, in turn, was in love, it was evident. with friends, when drunk, he could say unpleasant things, and then not apologize, like he was ashamed ... I let it go. I didn’t think right away, so he can change his life. trusted. It got worse. He said he loves, but I was silent ala. Later, drunk, he said that he had no feelings. I understood that he didn’t work up, that it was all an impulse on his part and he burned out. He said that at this stage he did not see the continuation of the relationship. It was very painful, although I didn’t I loved him (but maybe I don’t understand what love is). I like his whole image, the impression that he makes on people, I want to be there and fall in love. For three weeks I lost the habit of our constant correspondence and calls and, it seemed, from him. But now I went to work all the time and I can’t change it now under any circumstances. We sit in the same office, we have a common job, I try to communicate on an equal footing - also fun and open. I answer his messages and calls. He flirts with me. Maybe it’s wrong, but I kind of answer him, I don’t want to show that I have something sick inside me. I survived the first week indifferently. But now the second one has begun and I’m exhausted. he is delusional, having heard enough from his friends "how cool they hung out on the weekend." Today, half a day on climbing, I even had to go to the toilet, the tears rolled down. Maybe it’s also PMS, but I still understand that every day it’s getting harder and harder. Every word, every look is taken personally. Today again at the moment of I couldn’t stand the flirting and said that I didn’t understand his communication. He replied that he didn’t understand what he wanted. I understood this before ... I feel sorry, but this makes it even worse. Pride aches.
And so to the word: I decided to write after meeting with a friend who cares for me, but I reject it. He said that I was a coward and was afraid of relationships, said that someone offended me, and I blame everyone. I never thought so, although I was afraid to build something with this guy. In general, I can’t understand myself.
Sorry that there are so many and detailed, there is simply no one to speak out. Maybe tell me how to get rid of emotions for him, how to avoid explosions, at least at work. Thank you.
