Every year more and more often you can hear the complaints of women that their husbands refuse to provide for their families. You can still somehow come to terms with the fact that a man earns little. But how to behave in a situation where the duty to support not only yourself and children, but also a healthy adult man fell on your fragile shoulders? And if he still has the audacity not to do housework (cooking, cleaning), but all day long just lies on the couch or has fun at your expense?
First you need to find out the main reasons why men turn from getters into domestic sloths.
Have you ever wondered why a person becomes responsible? Many people think that it is a matter of their own choice. However, this choice is in any case due to certain circumstances. So, if in childhood a child is spoiled too much and does not impose any duties on him, then in the future he will become a selfish consumer with a probability of 90%. On the contrary, when a person from an early age is forced to take care of younger brother or sister, help mom and dad with the housework, he will grow up responsible and conscientious.
Similar principles apply to family life. Many women, without noticing it, pamper their companions too much and do not require them to perform important duties.
For example, the fair sex saves on her desires (buying new clothes, accessories, attending entertainment events and beauty salons) in order to buy food for the house. But what about the husband? Isn't that his duty too? The fact is that men, to a much lesser extent than women, are inclined to make sacrifices. They do not understand the suffering that their companions experience in trying to get money for a family. All they see is that the fridge is full. So, you don't have to worry about earning money for food yet.
A man becomes responsible when he needs to take care of someone. And provided that he loves those who can be taken care of. Therefore, if a wife builds a successful career, boasts of her high earnings and constantly buys things that are significant for the family, she shows her strength and independence. Why take care of that woman who does a great job on her own?
A woman can also demonstrate the opposite qualities that reduce the motivation of a man to earn money. For example, he behaves too capriciously, constantly demands new gifts, has a tendency to squander, while completely refusing to work. The desire to take care of her is unlikely to arise, because the man simply does not want to be used.
So, the following habits in a woman’s behavior can push a man away from making money for a family:
If you want your husband to start providing for the family, give up the image of a strong and independent woman. But you shouldn't stoop to the level of a dependent. You must show the man that you are able to earn money for yourself, but providing for the family is his responsibility. You have the right to work, build a career, realize yourself in a profession and creativity. But your income should be spent primarily on yourself. Look after your appearance, go to cafes, buy new clothes regularly, and set aside a small amount of money every month (this will help you feel more confident).
But paying utility bills, buying food, repairing a house are serious expenses that your man should be responsible for. Of course, you can take a financial part in such matters, but you are not required to do so. As a woman, you create comfort in the house, maintain order, and raise children. Your main responsibilities lie in the psychological and creative plane, and the duties of a man - in the financial.
If holes have formed in the family budget, due to which there is no way to buy even normal products for the house, you should not panic, grab your head, deny yourself buying new underwear, get money from your personal “stash” or get a second job. Give your husband the opportunity to solve the problem, be patient. No need to saw it or portray the great martyr. A man himself will perfectly see that a hunger strike has begun in the family. When he realizes that no one will solve the problem for him, he will make active attempts to correct the situation.
Of course, changes in the behavior of a man will not happen too quickly. Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes whole months. Do not forget to praise a man in those moments when he makes efforts to improve the financial situation of his family. If only demands or even silent expectations come from your side, the man will stop trying.
And now a fly in the ointment. Unfortunately, there are situations when a man refuses to provide for his family for a long time, even when the wife shifts responsibility to him and conscientiously fulfills the role of a good housewife. A man can begin to be capricious, take offense, beg for money from parents and friends, sell joint property, and live on small earnings. This is a vivid example of an infantile and selfish person whose necessary adult qualities were killed in the bud in childhood and cannot be restored. For example, his mother was a strong and strong-willed person who dragged her family on her shoulders and took care of the boy too much.
Living with such a person is very difficult. Sometimes divorce is the best option. But if a man has qualities that you really appreciate (kindness, sense of humor, attentiveness, sensitivity, tenderness), or for some reason you do not want to destroy the family, then form a separate budget. Let everyone pay for himself. If a man impudently refuses to give 50% for an apartment or food, you can move out of him for a while to your parents or to rented housing. Once in real life conditions, a man will be forced to pay at least for himself.
In conclusion, we will give important advice. Never sacrifice yourself to a man.
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This is how it happens: you try to get married, you push the groom to the altar, and then bam - you signed, but there is no responsibility on the part of the husband. He does not provide for his family, does not reach for high earnings, he does not care about prosperity in the family, and you have to pull everything yourself.
Why is this happening? Maybe in a hurry to get married? Or did she screw up somewhere?
Women love to talk negatively about their husbands. This is ugly, but sometimes they are right: “Yes, I was in a hurry, I didn’t see it, I jumped out to get married, and he turned out to be the hero of not my novel.”
The key word here is "hasty". After all, for a couple of years life together without children would not interfere. The first two years are the time of grinding the characters, and they should not be in the candy-bouquet period, but in life together. At this time, you recognize a person, and it makes no sense to wait for him to change.
So what could you have missed in his character because of your haste?
The man did not take place as an adult. Responsibility for him is something out of the realm of fantasy. It is necessary to take guardianship over him himself, than to call him to some serious actions.
Psychic infantilism has nothing to do with mental retardation. A man is not a fool, he perceives the world as it is, but he has no desire to work on himself and develop.
How can you recognize an infantile man:
He is unable to make independent decisions. It must be pushed literally with a poke in the back. Otherwise, all his ideas are childish nonsense.
He has no goals in life. Life goes with the flow - and okay. No interests, no aspirations, no inspiration for exploits.
He has dependent tendencies. He does not mind being henpecked, as long as he is not touched and forced to make decisions.
It is difficult to communicate with him. It is not possible to talk on various topics, to laugh at subtle witticisms. There is even an entire article on this topic: What to do if your boyfriend is stupid.
He is unable to adapt. It is difficult for him to change something in life, as this is a real stress for him. He perceives a job change or a move as a catastrophe.
Why does this happen to grown-up men? The main reason is the strange upbringing of the parents. Especially if the head of the family has always been an authoritarian mother, and the father is in the last roles. Or it didn't exist at all. Before marriage, the mother wiped her “child” nose, told him what to do, and the guy just relaxed his brain.
What to do with such an infant? In principle, this is not the worst option, because its main distinguishing feature- he's a follower. In the article Should a man support a family, you will find out all the options that you can do with him: does he have at least some abilities, is it possible to enlist the help of an influential person, where he needs to work, knowing his psychotype.
You can send him yourself if you really care about this person. The trouble is for that family if both the husband and wife are both naive and infantile. They can multiply endlessly, live in poverty on child benefits and hope for a miracle that will not happen.
This is the case when the guy is far from being a fool, but he only lifts a finger when the benefit shines specifically for him. "And what will I have for this?" - such a phrase is often found among lazy egoists.
Such a man is in no hurry to get married. And if he already thought up, then “hold on wife”: her commanding voice does not mean anything to him, he will either leave the scandal, or he will bang his fist on the table.
Stupid is that woman who thinks that the birth of a child will push this bumpkin to some kind of action. He is an egoist, he loves only himself, children can only aggravate the already shaky relationship, because their crying will interfere with his sleep, and outdoor games with them are beyond the power of the fool.
Besides:
He will not go to strain on physically hard work, because this can undermine his precious health and fragile psyche.
He will not deal with children with an excuse: “You yourself wanted them, but I didn’t!”. By the way, if it is so, then he will be right.
He will firmly distinguish the financial budget into “mine” and “common”. Moreover, the advantage will be on his side: the family can do without spiritual food, but he cannot.
What can be done? Egoists are very vulnerable at heart, and someone else's opinion is not an empty phrase for them. But the tone of what is said is important to them. If the wife is hysterical, then his majestic ears do not catch the cry. If she praises him, he melts. You can read about this in the article What to do if the husband is selfish.
The opinion of others (relatives, friends, acquaintances) is also of great importance. If they menacingly call on him to plow for his family, then he will most likely break off all relations with his advisers.
It’s another matter if they act wisely: they admire his achievements, intelligence and success (although all this is in question), and they will hint, they say, what kind of family you have so strange, it doesn’t match you: the wife is poorly dressed, the children are not in mugs walk. Teach your wife to be a real lady, take her shopping, take her to the salon, take those pale ones out for a picnic to sunbathe.
For an egoist, no matter how lazy he is, it is very important that he has all the best, even a family, at least for show. He moved from his place - admire him, rejoice, like a girl, with his gifts. There is no other way with him.
Yes, oddly enough, the wives themselves are to blame for the fact that the husband does not want to provide for the family. What are these reasons?
This is a common problem for older women, for whom the main goal is marriage. Good men were dismantled, only infants, egoists and sloths remained. They are opportunists and sometimes swindlers.
And so the dates began: everything on her territory and everything at her expense. Like, I’ll lure, and then he will work for me, good, and shower with gold. But no, this number did not work: he also eats at her expense and pretends that he cannot get a job. And she pities him.
Good with moms. But such a marriage is rarely short-lived. As soon as the “mommy” pushes the spouse out of her territory, he will begin to pretend that he is correcting himself. But when he comes back, he relaxes.
Sometimes such a marriage is normal if the wife lacks such an overgrown child. And they really love each other. And the fact that the husband does not help with money is not a problem, the wife will provide.
Yes, he provides it to the best of his abilities and capabilities! But everything is not enough for her: she has seen enough of a beautiful life in TV shows, and let's be weird - you need, they say, “like everyone else”, a cool car, a vacation in the Maldives, perfume from Versace.
And the husband is only capable of prosperity in the family. He would be happy to please his wife with frills, but his only fault is that he sometimes wants to sleep at night, and not thresh 24 hours a day. You have to be more modest, girl.
And this problem most often exists in young families where there are not even children. Failed to marry a rich man, so he rages. By the way, this is playing with fire. If the husband decides to divorce a lady, then she will be left with nothing. They don’t get married again, and she will remember more than once what it means to “earn little” when there is nothing at all. Read about this in the article Should a man provide for a woman.
Many women believe that even after a divorce, a stamp in a passport can mean something. Well, the husband did not file for divorce on time, he just left, and even to another, which he provides.
He is obliged to pay child support, he is not obliged to meet with them, but if he is a good father, he will participate in their lives. But full provision former family he must not take it into his own hands.
A man in the family is only where he is fed after work and put to bed. Where he is drawn after work, and he will give at least the entire paycheck with joy and trust. And there is no need to call him to conscience, because the wife who did not create comfort and a good microclimate in the family is shameless.
More on the topic:
damiko.ru
Many women know that ideas about family life and life in marriage are very different from each other. Life and monotony often take away the sweetest and most pleasant impressions, leaving only problems, resentment and discontent on the surface. Many men before marriage promise their chosen one "mountains of gold", however, not everyone is able to keep their word and properly provide for their families. The insolvency of men is not always justified, since there are also such husbands who stubbornly refuse to work, preferring computer games, a sofa and a TV. Before reproaching a man for laziness and mediocrity, it is necessary to look into the reasons that led him to such consequences.
Since ancient times, men have been considered the breadwinner in the family, at the same time, in modern society, the attitude towards these foundations and traditions has somewhat changed. Today, the beautiful half of humanity often has to combine two roles: the earner and the keeper of the hearth. Problems appear in families, which are caused by both the material component of the issue and the moral one. In order to somehow correct the situation, women have to reproach and reproach men to work, pressing on the most sore spots, which does not always give positive results.
Due to financial problems, women hurt man's dignity, which leads to constant quarrels, conflicts, and often to a break in relations. The whole family suffers from these scandals: children, women, and men who are not always lazy. There are many examples of how, for several years in a row, an unemployed man has been happy to help a neighbor and regularly works at their summer cottage. Men's reluctance to work is often caused by the lack of a position that could satisfy not only the financial needs of a person, but also spiritual ones.
Of course, many understand that it is necessary to work not only for pleasure, but to a greater extent for the sake of financial profit. Often a man refuses a particular position, because he subconsciously does not want to earn less than his wife. In this case, you can solve the problem with a “heart-to-heart talk”. It is worth starting a conversation not with reproaches and claims, but with words of gratitude, because one more salary will significantly improve the financial situation of the family and will solve some financial problems. It is important to support a man and explain that the family expects him not only to provide money, but also to be in a good mood and realize his own “I”.
By using sincere words and good intentions, you can persuade a man to get even a temporary job that will bring income to the family, on the condition that he immediately take a new, desired position, as soon as it appears. Perhaps it is worth helping with writing a resume, as you know, men do not really like to practice writing, and a wife, like no other, can emphasize all the advantages of her chosen one. The most important thing is to show the man that they believe in him and need his help.
If a man cannot decide on a place of work for a long time, it may be worth offering him the role of a “housewife”, this practice has its place in modern society, because men do not always manage to reach the top in career growth, often a woman provides a family. Somehow it would not bring the main income to the house, it is important that the upbringing of children and household duties do not oppress the spouse. It happens that many men are happy to take on the fulfillment of those duties that women have performed since ancient times. Such families are also happy and harmonious.
This practice has many advantages, the main of which are those that help a woman to completely get rid of household problems and go to work, and otherwise give a man an incentive and force him to go earn money, since not everyone agrees to cook soups daily, iron and clean up toys after small children. children. Most often, representatives of the strong half of humanity, having tried on the female “skin”, find a decent job in a short time.
A woman should think if a man does not want to do household chores and does not take any action in order to bring money, perhaps he is not a worthy life partner, but simply plays the role of a pet. Going to achieve goals and build a bright future with such a representative of the strong half of humanity will be quite difficult. Laziness is a very dangerous "disease" and sooner or later it "eats" a non-working person, turning him into an outcast of society.
Some couples face such a problem that the head of the family is not able to financially support his family. Husband gets into debt, can't find a job.
Often in such a situation, another difficulty arises: a woman wants to get a job, but her husband is against it. The woman believes that if she gets a job, she will be able to somehow change their financial situation and provide stability. But the husband is convinced that a woman should not work. What should a woman do in such a situation?
Of course, a man who cannot provide for his family, and his abilities are not in demand, is going through difficult times, it is hard for him. In such a situation, a solution should be found that will satisfy both the man and the woman, while not causing even more harm to the unstable situation in the family.
For most men, this can be a hard blow that will affect how they feel about themselves. A man wants to feel like a provider and protector of the family and has an idea of the role he plays in order to fulfill his responsibilities. In addition, he has an idea of what should be a real man, and if his expectations collide with reality, then he feels his inability. He may feel not good enough, unworthy of you, especially compared to men who have more opportunities. Due to the circumstances, he is not able to match the ideal of a man that he built in his head.
In such a situation, a man is afraid that, having got a job, he will be shown that she is much more capable than him, and he will feel his inferiority as the head of the family. The husband will not like this fact, and he is wary of it. Therefore, the wife, firstly, should increase his confidence. A wife can help her husband become more confident in his abilities, in his importance as a husband and a man. Remind him of his good qualities, his wisdom as a father, how much you appreciate his care, love and protection. Express admiration for his positive qualities.
In other words, he needs to show his masculinity and aspiration. In addition, he may be wary of the fact that when you get a job, you will meet many men who have achieved a lot. He worries that he might fall in front of your eyes.
Help your husband re-evaluate himself, and apply roles and responsibilities that make him feel in the right place and ease his anxieties so he can look at the situation in a more practical way.
He needs to know that no matter what happens, he is the most important thing that you have, and you value him more than your career. Only by realizing and accepting this, he will be able to relax and look at the situation from a different perspective.
Find a “soft” approach to your husband, without imposing the duties of the head of the family on yourself, explain to your husband that you appreciate him under any circumstances, and difficulties are only temporary circumstances, and they do not indicate his incapacity.
I've been married for 2 years now. There is a child - a son, 7 months old. I have such a problem. Before our life together, my husband took out a loan for a car, and while he worked, everything was fine. But then the situation changed. He leaves one job, then another. Jumping from place to place. Can't stay anywhere for long. The reasons are different: either the boss is bad, or they pay little, or the conditions are unbearable. That's how he walks, then one thing, then another, but does not bring money to the family, there is barely enough for a loan.
I tell him - look for additional work, you are a man, you must provide for your family. He does not want, swears. Then I offered to sell the car, but then his mother intervened and persuaded her not to sell.
Recently I changed jobs again, I have no money at all. We fight every day, he told me - go work yourself, like I live at his expense. Then I could not stand it anymore and kicked him out of the house. When he left, he said that he would not return.
I love him very much. He is the father of my child. But how to make him work, support his family? He does not listen to me at all, he does everything in his own way. I am very worried. Did I do the right thing by kicking my husband out of the house? Alice.
Answer:
Alice, 2 years of marriage is, of course, very little. You still have a lot to learn in living together with a partner. If, before marriage, you already knew that your husband would have to pay off a loan for a car, but, despite this, you planned and gave birth to a child, then this is short-sighted and irresponsible. If so, did you realize that you were risking leaving only one source of income for a family of three, and even with a car loan?
Then something happened in your relationship that usually happens. The first difficulties of a young family. Small child, one source of income, debts. We must pay tribute to your spouse - he was looking for options, resolving the issue as best he could. Everyone may not be able to find a good job immediately and for a long time. And the family is needed for that, so that at home we are supported and understood. They made it clear that they believe in us, and love anyone, including without money. Your requirements are more like an evil boss who requires his subordinate to complete assigned tasks.
Alice, then you began to offer your husband a solution to the problem, which your husband took as an accusation of his male failure. It was as if you told him - you cannot solve the problem, I will tell you what to do, and you do it. For any man to hear this is very painful. Therefore, in response, you received an accusation that you live at his expense. This is his defensive reaction. And if there is a need to defend oneself in a relationship with a beloved woman, then this means the presence of a crack, which will only increase over time.
Alice, the complexity of living together lies precisely in overcoming difficulties together, where everyone is required to be willing to invest in resolving the issue. Of course, your task now is to raise your son, but your female role in the family is acceptance of your husband, understanding and support in a difficult situation. And you demanded, forced, offended that he did not act as you would like. Think, why do you need it?
You write that you love your man, consider it important that he is the father of your child, but at the same time, as a man, you do not respect him and consider him a bad husband. And he understood this, because you kicked him out of the house, thereby demonstrating your attitude towards him as a man. You kicked him out of your life.
It is up to you to decide whether you did the right thing or not. But one thing is clear, you need to understand your expectations of male behavior and understanding the role of a man in marriage. This will help you understand the current situation and prevent conflicts in the future.
This question is procrastinated in many families where financial support does not come from a man and he, with folded hands, lies on the couch for days. And he doesn’t even lift a finger to change the existing pun in the family, thereby accepting the role of a decent family man who is able to earn money. In such families, the wife pulls not only the household, but also, as a rule, works two or three jobs. Thus, completely forgetting about yourself. The situation, of course, is not at all easy, because such a turn of events is far from being possible for every woman. Many simply lose heart, not seeing a way out of this situation. And because of this, family life is shrouded in a veil of constant quarrels and scandals. But is this the lot of normal relationships? Live in the constant feeling that you are all alone. Do not feel male support and thus spin like a squirrel in a wheel, squeezing the last juice out of yourself, completely forgetting that you are a woman. At the same time, everyone falls asleep and wakes up with an obsessive problem about what to do if a man does not support a family? And how long can this go on?
In such an unusual situation, it is still worth talking to a man and trying to explain to him in all possible and impossible ways his misunderstanding of family life and financial support for the family. Try to give as many examples from life as possible, for example, husbands of girlfriends who do not sit at home, but earn money. Inspire him that he is the head of the family and a lot depends on him. That you are already just tired both mentally and physically from all this and just want to change the situation, feeling that I will support and guardianship. But this is not unimportant for a woman at any age. If he does not heed your pleas and requests, to somehow change the situation, try to change something by the method of psychological pressure directly on him. Change your attitude by resorting to total disregard for it. After all, before that he was fed and clothed, had money directly earned by your labor and spent it on his needs. Stop it all - reduce his funding to a complete minimum. He wants a new thing, beer or cigarettes, put the question point-blank: “darling, did you earn everything for this?”. I sent it to the store for “sour cream and bread”, demand a report on the spent, while withdrawing, at the same time, all the change from the purchase made. Men, whatever one may say, it hurts and pushes them to think about their future existence. Show him not life, but real raspberries. Of course, it’s good if you don’t have children, otherwise the “black clouds of the family’s condition” have thickened much more over your head. But, of course, if you also have a child and more than one, then God himself ordered to change a lazy husband. There are no children - ask him a question: “what will we do if our family is replenished, how will we support the child and what will we live for?”. Already here he obviously can’t get away, and can’t get away from answering the question you posed.
If he is a complete homebody, not a sociable person and does not know how to establish contacts with people at all, do it all for him yourself. Look for a job for him, through ads, ask around with friends and, as a result, bring it under your nose on a “silver platter with a pink border.” Turns away from your proposal, no matter how rude it may sound and how difficult it is for you, give him an ultimatum. After all, as you know, he who seeks always finds. Give him a certain time to look for work, after which, let him know that you will take drastic measures and completely change everything. If he loves you and cherishes his family at least a few percent, I think the result will not be long in coming. Just give it a good and hard acceleration with immediate acceleration.
But it is directly worth being prepared for the fact that he simply refuses to compromise. And if you do not want to see him as a housewife, you will have to resort to extreme measures - this is the rupture of your marriage. Because if a man is “deaf and blind”, and does not understand the complexity of the situation at all, not even for a minute trying to understand you as a woman, words and further persuasion will simply not be appropriate here. You can sit and wait for a miracle for years without seeing the result on your face. By the way, the fact that he will still move from his place is not ruled out, if only, only, so that you would not saw him day after day and settle down somewhere for a short time. And after a while he will simply return to his original position (sofa), arguing that he simply does not like this work and it does not allow him to reveal himself as a person. So here you have to do three initial results. Continue to put pressure on him, thereby shaking your nerves and ruining your life. In the second case, put on his shoulders the entire household, including cooking. He doesn’t know how - there is more than enough free time, buy a set of cookbooks and let him study. Watch with time and you will become proud of his cooking abilities.
And finally, in the last case, just find another man. Why do you need someone like this - lazy and couch potato. The husband should provide for the family, and not vice versa. And so this is only the name "man" - and nothing more. Just answer the counter question: "Do you know who the gigolo is?". She answered, and now, as a conclusion for yourself, note that your missus falls under this designation. Let this instantly give the correct answer to the second question: “What if a man does not support a family?!”. You simply do not have to put up with it and continue to fight like a fish on ice, trying to provide for your family and at the same time support your negligent husband.
