Hate is a destructive emotion. It eats a person from the inside, causing him to get sick, grow old, wither, go out. It is especially scary when you feel such strong negative emotions for a loved one with whom you share life, a roof over your head, duties, children ... Why does hatred consume families that, it would seem, were born in love and desire? Why are women particularly subject to bitter disappointment? And most importantly, is there a way out?
“From love to hate is one step,” is a well-known truth. In the bonds of marriage, this step, as a rule, is calculated in years. At first, women simply do not notice the minor flaws of their partner (or even laugh at them), then they are surprised and upset by him, and then they catch themselves thinking that it is already unbearable to live with this person. The husband becomes hateful, repulsive, disgusting, vile. There are no warm feelings left for him, except for disrespect, contempt, anger, emptiness. Can one partner be to blame, let's ask the psychologists!
It is not in vain that psychology divides women's hatred of her husband into categories; further work with the family depends on the origins. Objective reasons - a consequence of the husband's actions towards his wife, expressed in discontent, deep resentment, anger, a sense of helplessness. They can be justified.
Psychologists identify 5 most common reasons for a wife's hatred of her husband:
There are men who feed on the negative emotions of a woman, doing it unconsciously. This is passive aggression on the part of the husband, his psychological immaturity, helplessness, impotence, etc.
A woman in such a union plays the role of a donor. At first, she does not realize her destiny, but over time she realizes that this relationship is terribly exhausting her. There is less and less strength left, and real hatred for the one who takes away vital resources is born in the soul. However, the wife does not decide on a divorce, as the relationship has acquired the format of a symbiotic relationship. What's going on with your partner? She often gets sick, falls into depression, seizes stress, disappears for days at work, drinks, becomes an irresponsible mother.
All attempts to talk with her husband about her feelings, discontent and fears are perceived extremely sharply. At first, the man resists, in response, fiercely criticizing his soul mate, devaluing and humiliating her, then passively agrees with all the claims, causing the woman to feel a sense of acute injustice. The position of such representatives of the stronger sex is as follows: “Say thanks for me ... You always don’t like something, sort yourself out ...”.
A married woman begins to hate her husband even when the partner is callous, inattentive, rude, stingy with emotions, dismissive in bed. As a rule, a wife cannot sort out her own feelings for a long time: the spouse does not beat, does not drink, brings money home, helps, like there are no reasons for a divorce. However, his coldness destroys her more and more, slowly filling the soul with negative feelings.
And he may not even notice it. He has his own ideas about the role of a family man, and affectionate words, hugs, emotional support are not included in the picture of his idea of relationships. A woman, with every rude word, closes, moves away, resentment grows like a snowball. For all attempts to express feelings, the husband is sincerely perplexed: “What did I say that? You have nothing to do that you come up with problems out of the blue? Get on with the real stuff!"
Time after time, bumping into rudeness and indifference, the wife's femininity, emotionality, sensuality, love, desire to take care of, spend time together go out. Instead, resentment, disgust and pain are born, eventually developing into real hatred for such an insensitive dork.
Domestic violence is one of the most common phenomena. The wife hates her husband both for psychological sadism (ridicule, bullying, biased criticism, claims, insults) and physical use of force. If the husband is a sadist, he enjoys the tears and humiliation of his wife, so he asserts himself, rises, feels himself a strong, omnipotent being.
Of course, this is the lot of weak, notorious boys, who themselves often got it in childhood. They try to knock out love, humility and respect by force, but with every spoken word (blow) they cause only hatred. If the wife tries to end this relationship, the man swears his love, promises to improve, assures that this was the last time. However, the wives of tyrants know that these are empty words. Unfortunately!
Aggressors are the most dangerous type of men. In this case, the wife needs to think not about how to overcome hatred for him, but about how to remain safe and sound!
Men who are addicted (alcohol, gambling, drugs) most quickly cause irritation and self-hatred. Life with an addicted person is always unpredictable: the whole family is waiting for how much money dad will bring from his salary, in what condition he will come, whether he will be visited by hallucinations, whether he will peacefully fall asleep or will arrange concerts for half the night, whether a new debt will creep out in a month, etc. .
In such a family, the needs of all family members are ignored, except for a sick adult man, for which women despise their husbands with all their hearts. “I hate my husband, let something happen to him, we will be better off without him, he is already sitting in our livers,” are absolutely normal words of partners of dependent people. They are feared, disrespected, pitied, hated, cursed. The feeling of helplessness is mixed with bitterness and disgust, the soul is filled with hope and emptiness.
Treason makes a woman hate the faithful no less than his despotism and unbearable character. And if a single betrayal can still be somehow smoothed out, forgotten, forgiven, then systematic betrayals the most acute hatred is firmly cultivated in the soul of the spouse. Moreover, this hatred extends to her husband, and to the one who turned out to be the third, and to herself. Unwinding this tangle is not easy.
Here, hatred is first disguised as jealousy, resentment, suffering. A woman feels that she has been humiliated, betrayed, insulted, her reputation has been tarnished. Then self-pity passes a little and there is a real hatred for her husband. For offending, devaluing, hitting women's pride, making a fool out of another woman! If at the same time the spouse sexually ignores the lawful chosen one, neurosis, self-flagellation, and self-doubt join the hatred. Here it is certainly difficult to do without the help of specialists.
In addition to the obvious reasons for hating your husband, there are unjustified reasons to hate your own spouse. In this case, the wife feels a duality in her soul: “When my husband is around, he annoys me, I am ready to kill him, and when we are apart, I understand that I miss him.” When does it happen?
This is exclusively a woman's problem. She set up illusions, built a dream “as it should be” in her head, without assessing her partner’s potential and without even asking his opinion on this matter. The result - the wife is upset, disappointed in a man, always unhappy with him. Warm feelings are replaced by annoyance, disrespect, contempt. Negative, claims accumulate, gradually giving rise to hatred towards her husband in the soul.
Hatred for a husband can be replaced by love if he suddenly begins to justify the expectations of a lawful chosen one (opens his own business, agrees to have children, achieves a promotion or recognition, buys a car, puts an upstart relative in his place, etc.).
Outbursts of hatred for her husband also appear in women when they are forced to leave their dream, career, hobby for the sake of caring for children or for the sake of their spouse. Then emotional stagnation sets in and an intrapersonal conflict arises: there are ambitions, there is plenty of strength, age still allows you to succeed, but it is physically impossible to do this (children are still too small, parents are sick, the husband is constantly on business trips, a house is being built in parallel). The wife catches herself thinking that it is her husband who is to blame for her lack of fulfillment and subconsciously takes out her negative emotions on him.
Boring life shatters even the strongest feelings. Routine causes irritation, fatigue, anger, and if nothing is done about it, the matter can easily end in real hatred for the person walking side by side through life (although he is not to blame for anything). A woman winds herself up that her efforts are not appreciated by anyone, so there is less and less desire to do something for the good of the family. It seems to the wife that she and her husband no longer love each other, which means that she is wasting her best years in vain. This is where hatred grows.
Sometimes women are carried away by other men, and they have a second wind. It is not necessary to change, a light flirtation is enough, the feeling that she is still beautiful, young, charming. Then, under this euphoria, real hatred for the lawful chosen one wakes up, with whom she does not know what to do.
A wife feels especially keenly that she hates her husband when he persuades her to perform marital duties. Hatred is joined by disgust and aggression.
There is no universal advice that will make a wife stop hating her husband. Each case is individual, so psychologists consider not only the cause of hatred, but also the experience of family life, the dynamics of relationships, the characters of both spouses, their expectations from marriage, etc. But, despite this, experts still give some valuable recommendations that will allow reconsider your feelings.
So, how to remove hatred towards her husband:
“How do you know it’s time for a divorce?” Devastated wives often ask. Psychologists insist that the decision to leave should be guided not by hatred, but by objective reasons. If your husband poisons your life (tyrant, sadist, alcoholic, drug addict), has no respect, cheats or just fell out of love, make an adequate decision. Believe me, the cup of patience will overflow anyway, so why wait for the situation to worsen?
Imagine in great detail your life without a hated husband. If you are uncomfortable, sorry, you miss - fight for love, but if you feel that you will be calm and happy - you are really ready to part.
Hatred is a strong destructive feeling, and if it covers one of the partners, you need to urgently find out the origins and semantic content. Do not try to push your emotions deeper, the problem will not resolve itself. Analyze your relationship, delineate areas of responsibility, change behavior, discuss problems with a legitimate chosen one. Don't let hate break you down, recovery is harder than it looks!
More recently, it would seem that Mendelssohn's march sounded, you looked at the groom with loving eyes, but now you cannot see him. Everything in her husband infuriates - as he says, he watches TV, eats, sleeps. Your mood drops even when you hear the turn of his key in the lock.
What to do if you hate your husband so much that, even when talking with him on everyday topics, you can hardly restrain yourself so as not to break into a cry?! That his once native smell has become disgusting for you. That sex with him is sheer torment. What happened to him? Or is it your reason? And how to look at all its minuses not with hatred, but with understanding? Let's think.
Hate does not appear in a vacuum. Sometimes the expected miracle turns into a real monster. You married the man in whom you saw a romantic young man: in love with you, making small and pleasant surprises. But in everyday life, he turned out to be completely different: scattered socks are a drop in the ocean. And how many other little things that were hidden during the candy-bouquet romance:
Such trifles can be listed endlessly, and they gather in one nasty lump, it’s a shame for a husband in public, hatred splashes out of you even with one of his plebeian tricks. But is it all that sad?
And you know, if he behaves like this, then you have become dear to your husband - a kind of indicator of complete trust. With you, he is honest and natural. You can't bear to live with him, just because you didn't know him like that before. You didn't have a life with him.
But usually such men, as a rule, are not whimsical. They will be happy to wise up even a tasteless dinner prepared by their wife, they will not yell that their slippers are uneven in the corridor, they will not criticize their wife’s unsuccessful hairstyle. They simply do not notice it or tactfully keep silent, because all this suits them. Can you imagine if such a lazy and domestic cat is replaced with an evil demon?
It's amazing when women look for a "convenient" husband in every sense, sculpt from him the kind of man they would like to have for themselves, and then begin to hate them passionately. "A rag, not a man, a whiner, can't do anything without me." Of course, the name of such men is henpecked. And there are a lot of pluses in such a husband:
He is a hard worker under the strict guidance of his wife - at least he will plow the harrow with his nose.
He does not argue with his wife, rather agrees with her arguments.
He is a good family man and a father to children - he does not walk, everything is in the house.
But! Irritates his henpecked to furious hatred. A woman watches brutal males on TV and thinks: “What did I do wrong with mine?” I just want to say to such a lady: “What's wrong? Throw out your husband like a kitten - he will dutifully leave, and change for brutal. There will be no such plasticine, and figs what you blind from it. And then do not complain that you are unhappy - he will hate you, even for one attempt to open his mouth to him. So it’s better to remodel your own spouse in a new way. ”
Fragment from the film "The Wolf of Wall Street"
arrow_left Fragment from the film "The Wolf of Wall Street"
It is excruciating to live with a man who, only by a stamp in his passport, is listed as a husband. No, he does not tyrannize his missus, does not swing his fist, does not shout. On the contrary, he is cold towards her. At the same time, he gives her complete freedom of action, but the flame of hatred burns in a woman. It would seem - to her husband. Indeed, how to live with this if:
In fact, a woman with such a husband feels hatred not for him, but for his coldness and inattention to her. If she didn’t immediately leave him, then in her heart she loves him madly and is afraid of losing him. And his indifference inspires even more fear of parting.
Therefore, if the former flame of love for his wife is not rekindled in him - through his jealousy, her transformation - then everything will be so. Tantrums and demands will only aggravate the situation. Such marriages are good when they are calculated: simple mutual benefit, nothing personal.
Well, it turned out like this - everyday life with her husband became boring and familiar, nothing changes, and here he is: on the way he met - the man of his dreams. And this lover seems to be an ideal: passion and celebration are with him, and dullness and boredom with her husband. And the woman suddenly began to feel that she fiercely hates her husband, because everything in him is not the same as with the new macho. Although her husband is good and is not guilty of anything before her.
A woman involuntarily thinks about recognition and divorce, hoping for a new happy marriage, where there will be a holiday every day. Even her husband's touches, his voice and his smell become unpleasant to her - because she began to have something to compare with.
And now, dear reader, if you find yourself in the same situation, imagine what will happen if you still want to radically change the whole situation and get divorced. This person who annoys you now will never, ever be around again. He knows all your habits, knows how to forgive your weaknesses, he is, in principle, a native person for you. And because of your stupidity, he will disappear from your life forever.
But with a new boyfriend - how it will turn out. This is while he is a holiday person for you, for sure you and your husband once experienced the same passion before the wedding, just the boat of love crashed into everyday life. But will your new gentleman in everyday life be the same native-relative to the point of madness?
It is almost impossible to understand women who live with tyrant husbands, hate them fiercely and at the same time continue to live on and endure all their antics. How can you live with such a Herod?
He often screams and uses force: he is accustomed to disturbing and beating his wife. And for any reason: for a poorly made bed, for breakfast served at the wrong time, for a “crooked” word spoken to him.
If he drinks, then his frenzied antics are not the result of his drinking, but of his aggressive nature. Alcohol simply exacerbates aggression, and he is simply evil in life.
Jealousy from scratch - he is jealous for no reason, and not for a specific man, but simply finds a reason for a scandal.
He is annoyed even by his own children and a house cat - God forbid this gets under the arm when he is in the heat of anger.
If a woman tolerates this, she is either a masochist or simply afraid of losing at least some man, so as not to be left alone. Moreover, such tyrannical husbands find a tricky move: when they see that the wife’s strength has dried up and she is ready for a divorce, they wallow at the wife’s feet, beg for forgiveness and swear that they won’t do it again. Yep, it's only for a week. A woman is able to forgive and regret. Moreover, he will also be justified in front of everyone.
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man - and you immediately know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any relationship problems at all.
Who said it's impossible? Of course, you won’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for our website visitors.
Causes of hatred for her husband and ways to eliminate it.
They say there is only one step from love to hate. This proverb arose not in vain, because often the closest and closest people begin to experience negative feelings for each other. In this article, we will tell you what to do and how to live with a husband you hate.
In fact, the solution to the problem most often lies on the surface. A lot of people think it's easier to get divorced. Indeed, it is really impossible to share life, and even more so a bed, with a person you hate, you experience the most negative feelings and sensations. What makes a woman live with such a man? Basically the whole problem is in the children.
Many women believe that the child will be best with his own father. It is because of this that many women tolerate their husbands and live with them, even hating them. However, psychologists believe that divorce or separation from this person does not always help to solve the situation. The point is that hatred this person may remain after divorce.
And this negatively affects the health of women. The fact is that hatred destroys us from the inside, significantly worsens the state of health, not only mental, but also physical. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that all diseases are from nerves. Accordingly, divorce is not the easiest way out of the situation, very often it does not solve it at all. Therefore, try to understand yourself and the reasons for hatred.
Causes:
Adviсe:
Fixing the situation:
The way out of the situation can be one of three:
Of course, the easiest option is divorce. However, very often, as mentioned above, there is a wife's dependence on her husband. Therefore, for many objective reasons, divorce becomes impossible. In this case, living with hatred means further poisoning yourself. You will acquire a huge number of mental and physiological diseases if you do not stop feeling hatred. Therefore, the only true option is to change your attitude towards a man.
Try to be the best for him. In addition, try to make yourself better, as well as satisfy the wishes of your husband. In most cases, women perceive some omissions as claims. However, instead of listening and solving the problem, women play offended, and also that the man is always to blame. This is a wrong trend of behavior, so try to correct yourself and be the best for your husband. Perhaps in this case he will change his attitude. In this case, your marriage can be saved.
According to psychologists, there are only four reasons for hating your own husband.
Reasons for hate:
Of all the reasons described above, it is possible to cope with hatred in case of betrayal, not justifying expectations, and also if a man has stopped loving. In the case of the poisoning of life, you are unlikely to be able to restore your previous attitude towards your spouse and improve relations.
Many women believe that living with their husband is necessary for the sake of the child. However, in reality, such sacrifice does not lead to anything good.
Adviсe:
As you can see, hatred is a negative, poisonous emotion that is born in our hearts thanks to ourselves. That is, we ourselves come up with a bad attitude towards a person, we begin to hate him, in response to some kind of offense. Try not to take it to heart, and take each remark not with hostility, but be critical.
I think you have heard the proverb “From love to hate, there is only one step.” It also happens in life, when a once loved person ceases to be such, his appearance, voice, smell begins to annoy, his presence is disgusting. Why does this happen, where does this hatred for your husband come from, for the person whom you once loved very much and decided to share your life with him? What is the reason for his change, or did the change really take place in you? Let's talk about whether it is worth living with such a partner, how to be in such a situation.
When hate develops in the beginning life together, for example, after everyday problems, when young people did not have the opportunity to live together before marriage, and during their life together many pitfalls surfaced, then a decision is often made to leave, divorce. But there are also situations when hatred develops after many years of marriage, and then certain factors stop a woman from divorcing.
The development of hatred is always the result of the presence of dissatisfaction with one's life, the presence of any suffering, accumulated problems. If a person is happy, then he surrounds with his mood those who are nearby. When hatred appears, it indicates that something is not going the way we would like. And not always the true cause of hatred lies in the man himself. A woman may have strong irritability, formed on the basis of accumulated problems, and hatred for her husband will arise only because he is always there and simply “falls under the arm”. In such a situation, a woman will say, “I hate my husband, but at the same time I love him.” There is a duality of sensations.
Among the main reasons influencing the development of hatred, the following factors are distinguished.
Sometimes hatred absorbs a woman to such an extent that even after a divorce, parting with, it would seem, the object of these feelings, she continues to live, saying “I hate ex-husband”, continues to project these feelings onto his children, seeing them as a former partner. For many years he has been accumulating this anger, sometimes resentment, obsessing over his feelings, not being able to live normally, while a man calmly arranges his personal life, creates a new family.
Hatred is a dangerous feeling that brings great harm to mental health. It is especially bad when a person hates the one with whom he is constantly near. Often women live with their husbands for decades and feel extremely unhappy.
It is good if the hatred for the once loved person manifested itself in the early stages of marriage. In this case, many decide to disperse.
Worse, when a woman discovered hostility to her husband after several years of marriage. In this case, several factors stop a divorce:
An apartment or household appliances is not something worth exposing yourself to constant stress on a daily basis. Hatred just provokes it, which then leads to neurosis and depression.
Is it worth it to live in a nice apartment with a modern refrigerator and stylish furniture, but constantly exhausting yourself with stress?
You can safely disperse and, with fear, be unnecessary. Psychologists are sure that a divorced lady has as many chances to find a new life partner as one who has not lived a family life.
Girls often fill their heads with negative thoughts and begin to repel new suitors, looking for a bunch of flaws in them and being afraid of a new divorce.
The only thing that should stop a divorce is a child. Leaving her husband is only extreme cases. For example, when he regularly drinks, is engaged in assault or has another objective disadvantage.
The presence of an unpleasant character trait or annoying habits should not be the reason psychological trauma child that results from divorce.
Before breaking off relations, it is worth looking for the reasons for hatred. Often they are quite banal:
Some girls claim that they did not know about the disgusting habits of their lover. They allegedly appeared only with the beginning of family life. Their ideal person in all respects suddenly began to snore suddenly, slurp loudly while eating, regularly make a mess, etc.
In fact, these shortcomings just didn't notice a girl in a period of falling in love, when feelings are dizzy. These are not just beautiful words, but features of physiology.
When hugging, kissing, having sex, and sometimes just being close to a loved one, the brain actively produces endorphins. These hormones of happiness give a young couple a feeling of happiness. But they often get in the way of noticing negative habits.
Not all girls like a complaisant and kind character. Some want a macho who is ready for decisive action and knows how to firmly defend his point of view.
Sometimes a wife first “sculpts” a pliable hubby into a person who is comfortable for her, who agrees in everything, and then resents what a mattress he is.
When a man often walks on the side, this offends his soulmate. In a relationship, coldness and indifference appear. After all, a man finds affection and just pleasant emotions on the other. Fuel to the fire of hatred is added by the fact that almost everyone becomes aware of his betrayals.
The hardest thing is for girls who have tied their lives with the aggressor. Such tyrants find a reason to find fault with everything. Even when fists are used, the spouse continues to endure and even justifies the faithful in front of relatives and friends.
Sometimes she has the courage to tell him about the divorce. In such cases, the aggressors change dramatically and beg to save the family. Unfortunately, most often they last for a maximum of a month. Then the unfortunate woman is again waiting for threats, scenes of jealousy and assault.
The reasons listed above apply to men. But sometimes the spouse herself falls in love with another, or simply does not feel emotional closeness with her soulmate.
This happens in cases where a girl marries because of convenient circumstances, and not for love. For example, a good candidate turned up who looks after him beautifully, successfully builds a career, and even all friends and relatives praise such an enviable groom.
In this case, a woman sometimes manages to find happiness "on the side." She is quite satisfied with a quiet family life, combined with periodic intrigues. But still, the most honest option would be to admit to her husband that she does not feel feelings for him and wants to leave.
When the cause is found, the study of the problem begins. In the case of a husband’s bad habits, psychologists advise reconsider your attitude to the situation. Indeed, for a representative of the strong half of humanity, who without hesitation champs at the table and spreads his socks, this is all trust indicator . He can afford to be natural and he is pleased if his wife accepts him this way and does not try to correct him.
If a woman is not satisfied with a husband with a weak character, then she should imagine the macho behavior that she has always dreamed of. He will not adapt to the interests of the "woman" and spit on her whims. Therefore, it is worth appreciating your husband for who he is. In addition, many men with a gentle character are excellent family men.
How to be in the case of a man-womanizer? It's more difficult here. Some ladies manage to attract their husband with variety in intimate life, others begin to share his interests and find common topics for conversation. All this brings the couple very close and allows the man to forget about the desire to look for bright emotions on the side.
An aggressor who cannot think of a day without assault must be urgently parted with. It is desirable not to give the opportunity to beg for forgiveness on his part.
If attempts to reconsider your attitude towards your husband have not been successful, then you should contact a family psychologist. Don't be afraid to ask a professional for help. This is better than being in constant tension and not feeling happy in family life.
In many cases, several sessions are enough to determine the root of the problem and build relationships.
A separate painful topic is dislike for the beloved's relatives. Especially if they constantly climb with advice and moralizing. The best method is to reduce the importance of these people.
Girls are often offended when the husband's relatives directly or indirectly point out her shortcomings. No need to wait for approval or go to conflict.
Ignoring claims solves two problems: their own tension is reduced and relatives realize the impossibility of influencing the wife, to whom it is "useless to say something." Enough to ignore the comments.
Seeing the indifference of the opponent, a person often loses interest in the further escalation of the conflict.
In the end, we can say that every problem has a solution. If hatred for your husband prevents you from living, then you should not try to suppress this feeling in yourself or “let off steam” with scandals. You should identify the cause of hostility, and then try to change your attitude towards the shortcomings of your husband and even find positive aspects in them.
In this video, psychologist Natalya Loseva will tell you how to overcome your dislike for your husband and perceive him normally again:
