Family relationships are complex and multifaceted.
If a question arises what if my mom doesn't love me This means that it is necessary to understand in a complex way, since the reasons for this may be different.
Which is better: to love or to be loved? find out right now.
It's hard to believe that mother has no feelings for her child. However, in practice this occurs quite often.
Dislike is expressed in emotional detachment, coldness. The problems of the child are met with indifference, irritation, aggression.
In such families frequent criticism, accusations that he is bad, naughty.
If usually the parent wants to spend time with the child, then the one who does not feel a sense of love is removed. Games, care are burdensome.
Dislike for their offspring is common among mothers who take alcohol and drugs. In this case, the psyche changes, normal human feelings atrophy, and the need to satisfy one's needs comes first.
Difficulties with expressing feelings often arise fanatically religious mothers. In this case, a person has a distorted idea of the world, family, and his own offspring.
All life is subject to one idea, and close people must agree with it and correspond to a certain ideal. If the daughter, from the point of view of religion and the mother's internal ideas about correctness, is imperfect, then the parent ceases to love her.
For some women, the feeling disappears because her daughter let her down in some way. Moreover, the reason can be completely far-fetched, it’s just that the child does not meet some invented criteria.
Misdemeanors are even more serious when the daughter commits a crime, leads an immoral life, abandons his own children.
If there was love before, now it is being replaced by distrust, resentment, and the best way to restore peace of mind is to exclude a person from your life.
Resentment against parents. How to deal with resentment and anger at the mother:
Can a mother not love her child? The ability to show emotions is inherent in the type of nervous activity and character. Lifestyle also has an impact.
It seems incredible that a mother does not love her child, but it can be certain reasons:
Thus, the main reasons why a mother may not love her child are changes in the psyche, an initially cold mother, and daughter's actions that are difficult to forgive. Of course here Rarely is there a complete absence of love..
Most mothers still experience affection for their child, without even showing it outwardly or expressing anger and irritation most of the time.
Maternal instinct is in our genes. It may not appear immediately, or a person is initially cold in the outward expression of feelings, therefore he doesn't seem to like.
Why is it said that mothers don't love their daughters? It is widely believed that mothers love daughters less.
This is probably related to feeling of competition, the struggle for the attention of the main man in the house - the father.
A growing daughter reminds a woman of her age.
Such inferiority complexes are projected on the attitude towards your child.
Why are children loved differently? Learn about it from the video:
How to understand that a mother does not love her daughter? Let's look at the signs by which you can understand whether the parent really does not love you or it just seems.
Signs of dislike are usually felt from early childhood.
In some cases, the attitude towards the daughter changes already at an older age due to her actions or simply because the mother perceives her age and aging in a negative way.
Mom doesn't love me. The myth of holy motherhood:
The mother does not love her daughter. Unfortunately, the consequences of parental dislike affect the entire future life of the girl:
It's hard to live knowing that your parent doesn't love you. A person is forced to constantly be in suspense, to seek confirmation of a good relationship.
Disliked children. The influence of children's resentment on fate:
You have to realize that in life you are faced with such a difficult situation. Do not blame the mother for not being capable of love. This is her choice.
The main task- live, enjoy life, no matter what.
You are not responsible for the attitude of other people towards you, but you are able to control your own manifestations of the psyche and actions.
What do you do if your mother doesn't love you? Psychologist's opinion:
First of all no need to beg, demand love. You either have this feeling or you don't.
Look at your mother from the other side. She also has dignity, interesting aspects of personality.
Give her a chance to open up. The best way to do this is by talking. Unobtrusively be interested in her past, work, ask for advice.
It is not necessary that your mother love you, but you can become friends with her, close friends.
Her grumbling, nagging, perhaps such a peculiar way to express her love. Just for different reasons and traits she can't say those words out loud.
The mother-daughter relationship is undergoing various changes. If it seemed to you that in childhood you were not loved and appreciated enough, then in adulthood everything can change.
Your actions, your attitude towards your parents can make your mother finally see you as a person worthy of respect and love. Give her a chance to express herself, don't turn down help.
Is it really possible to make a mother love her daughter? It depends on many factors, character traits, the willingness of the woman herself to change, and her daughter accept mother for who she is.
If, as an adult, you were never able to feel motherly love, just accept it as a fact and try to maintain smooth, friendly relations as much as possible.
It also happens that family members stop talking at all.
Here - the choice of each person, and in some cases the only way to solve the problem.
Don't look for love where there isn't any, do not try to achieve attention and location by any means.
Be yourself, show your individuality, you don't have to be what other people want you to be. But at the same time, do not forget to appreciate loved ones at least for the fact that they gave you life.
Why are you unlucky in love? you will find on our website.
How to love a mother? Psychology of conflicts:
Unloved child. Children see things differently. Somewhere easier, somewhere more painful. The dislike of mother - the dearest and closest person - can be felt by the skin when mother screams and punishes for no reason, when you hear so many rude insulting words from mother's lips, when you are a daughter, and mother is always more affectionate with her brother, and demand from you is always higher .
The child feels everything. And even if you don’t openly tell him: “I don’t love you!”, The child knows, although he does not understand. The child reaches for his mother, approaches and hugs. Mom is always cold, does not say kind words, never praises.
A person grows, matures, understands more and more, sometimes in the conversations of adults something like “... she gave birth to a daughter, but I wanted a son, and it was a pity to refuse, what would people say?” or "I gave birth to her so hard that I could not love." And here is a man 20, 30, 40 years old. And all harder relationship, increasingly difficult to find mutual language with her mother, and it is no longer easy for her to hide her irritation.
What to do? Refuse to communicate? Move away and cut off all ties? Not an option. Mom, even if not loving, still remains a mother. And in such a situation, for sure, it’s not easy for her either. After all, she does not feel tender feelings for her child, and has not learned to love like everyone else. And, of course, he blames himself for it. But my mother is not a cuckoo, she didn’t leave, she didn’t refuse, she brought up, as it turned out, she tried to give everything she could. Let her be unfair more often, and ignore the rest of the time.
Let's try to deal with the situation ? The most important and most difficult thing to do is to forgive mom for her missing feeling. And let your mind understand that my mother did not refuse, apparently only because she was afraid of the condemnation of her act by others. And let the confidence sit somewhere inside that if the parents already had a child of the same desired sex, you would hardly have been given a chance to live. However, they gave a chance and did not leave it in the maternity hospital. And brought up. And they cared. So the next thing to do is to thank my mother for life and for the house, for her efforts and for her care.
love yourself. It's also not easy to do. Without receiving affection and love all his life, a person, as a rule, does not treat himself very well. We must try to overcome this barrier. The following training is very suitable for this.
At a time when you are alone and no one can interfere. We turn off the phone. You can turn on quiet calm music as a background. Get comfortable, close your eyes. And pretend to be a child. Do not remember yourself, namely, mentally become a child, return to this state of mind. And love yourself as a child with all your heart, with all your soul. Call yourself the most affectionate words, look into your eyes, smile. Envelop this child with all the love that is so lacking right now. Hug yourself as a child, shake in your arms. You can sing a lullaby or do something else that you wanted to get from your mother, but she could not give. To return to the current state, while maintaining this feeling of love and warmth.
Don't get hung up. It is necessary to stop constantly thinking about what mom does not like. Take it for granted and let it go. It's hard and painful to let go of resentment. But you have to say goodbye to her in order to open your heart to happiness.
Love mom. Yes, oddly enough, but resentment takes the form of love, and we ourselves, being offended, call our resentment love. But we have already let go. Now we need to let love in. To do this, you can use this training. Put your mother's photo in front of you or just imagine your mother's image. Remember how mom smiles, moves, what kind of voice she has. Mentally return to childhood again and remember rare pleasant moments, delicious mother's pies or how mother sits at needlework. Try to think of your mother with tenderness.
Build relationships. It all depends on the circumstances that exist in the present. Of course, call your mother and right off the bat: “Mom, I know that you don’t like me, but let’s keep in touch!” - will be rude, stupid and inappropriate. And let's make it a rule to call my mother at least once a day and be interested in her well-being, affairs, her worries? It would really be a good start. Talk about your affairs, ask for advice or be interested in your mother's opinion. Make mom feel needed. When love comes from a person, it compensates for the love that a person has not received from the outside.
Of course, the advice is very general and you need to adapt to your story. And, besides, there are very difficult situations when you can’t get along with the idea that your mother does not love. In this case, the best way out will be a visit to a psychologist. It should also be taken into account that people make mistakes. Sometimes behind the “endless empty nit-picking and eternal control” is the desire to patronize, anxiety for the child and great motherly love.
Tips are more suitable for women.
In the public consciousness, the idea of the union of mother and daughter, based on mutual, indissoluble, enduring love, exists as a sacred truth, exceptions from which are inadmissible according to the highest moral laws. And what happens in life? Elena Verzina, psychologist, candidate of medical sciences, tells.
Note that mammals, which include the species Homo sapiens - lionesses, chimpanzees, dolphins, and even birds - eagles, swans, penguins, they also feed, raise and train their cubs, dolphins, penguins, until they can start an independent life. True, unlike women, representatives of the animal world become pregnant, give birth and take care of their offspring, obeying only the call of nature.
A woman gives birth to a child consciously and does it for herself.
Only for myself! To satisfy the biological instinct of procreation; in order to realize oneself in the role of a mother according to civilizational tradition and the commandments of religion; to create a family with a beloved man and live surrounded by loving children; to have someone to take care of her in her old age; just for their own health or even to receive maternity capital. We do not consider here unplanned children who are born because "it happened"; but after the birth of a child, as a rule, love for the newborn is born with him, with an irresistible need to take care of him - that very maternal instinct! And what is a daughter's love for her mother - also an instinct, or a programmed heartfelt feeling embedded in her heart when it beat under her mother's heart, or is it a conscious feeling of gratitude to her mother, who gave her life and accompanied her on a difficult path of becoming, or is it the performance of a duty prescribed by morality, while the failure to perform this duty will inevitably be awarded universal condemnation?
Alas, there are many everyday stories when daughters have negative feelings for their mothers -
deep, hidden feelings, even in spite of outwardly good attitude towards them. Psychologists know how common these feelings are. It is very difficult for daughters who are experiencing this to admit this not only to a psychologist, but also to themselves, except perhaps to bring their pain to an Internet forum, since an open statement and communication with friends in misfortune alleviates the pain and, moreover, remains anonymous. It is pain, because the loss of a feeling of love for a mother is destructive for the psyche, this loss undermines the daughter's confidence in her moral viability and threatens the formation of a healthy relationship with her own children.
Or maybe this is just a myth about holy love for a mother, created and cultivated in society in the interests of its stability, reproducibility, preservation of family cells, and it is quite possible to move from holiness to balance, from a taboo topic to an interested analysis? Let's pose the question point-blank.
Is a loving attitude towards a mother an innate, eternal manifestation of daughter feelings? And are we entitled to say that an adult daughter is immoral, if instead of the beautiful “My mother is the best mother in the world!” she dares to say: “She broke my life, but as a child she gave me her love, and I cannot help being grateful to her” or the most transcendent:
I don't love my mother.
We do not consider here childish, well-studied by psychologists, manifestations of childish grievances, subconscious complexes (Electra or Oedipus complexes), conscious manipulations by parents aimed at satisfying children's "wants", or reactions to quarrels of adult family members, among which the child is forced to choose one of the sides. . Of course, one cannot ignore the friction in relations with the mother that arose in the daughter in childhood, but in plastic childhood there are enough proven psychological methods that, with an attentive attitude to the child, make it possible to overcome tension by the time of the transition from adolescence to youth. Adolescence comes early, and with it, girls begin to feel like adults. Let's listen to the voices of adult daughters (after all, we will forever remain their parents), we will try to see the origins of spiritual trouble on the example of one of them.
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Oksana. 50 years old, a late child, with a higher education, lived with her mother and her husband. Two years ago I buried my mother, who in the last months of her life after a stroke was bedridden. At the same time, she did not get tired of repeating that because of her mother’s illness, she denied herself life outside of the fulfillment of her filial duty. And after the death of her mother, Oksana's life is painted in dull tones of enduring misfortune. What is hidden behind this sad fate, why does Oksana clearly want to be unhappy?
Oksana's mother did not love her husband, the girl's father, and clearly demonstrated her dislike, disrespect for him. As a girl, Oksana always took the side of her powerful and successful mother and, like her mother, neglected her father. After graduation, she fell in love with a good guy from another city. But to leave, to leave my mother?
Impossible, mom can not be abandoned.
Then there was a marriage in his city, already without much love, with another good guy who sincerely loved Oksana. But the mother so actively helped her daughter's family in everyday life, in organizing her relationship with her husband, in raising her grandson, that the husband could not stand it and left. Oksana stayed with her mother alone, and soon remarried a foolish man, a loser (she really wanted to feel her superiority, so it was no coincidence that a weak man was next to her), whom her mother really disliked and with a restrained arrogant attitude pointed her son-in-law to his place.
And then, at a very respectable age, my mother herself got married, brought her husband to the house, so after a while Oksana and her husband had to provide physical assistance to the elderly couple. new husband mother died, mother fell ill, Oksana looked after her "as expected",
but she did it somehow very harshly, angrily, unkindly, nervously,
the way a very strict mother behaves towards her child, as if she suddenly got the opportunity to command the one to whom she had been subordinate all her life.
Now she tirelessly mourns her mother, and everyone around should remember this loss. There is no one who deprived a daughter of her father's love, who destroyed her first marriage, involuntarily forced her to look after an old man who was not her own, but who served as an excuse for her daughter's unfulfilled fate. How dare she leave forever! Grieving for the loss, the daughter lives today with a sense of uncompensated guilt, both her own and her mother's guilt before her. Being unhappy is her excuse today. Does she love her unforgettable mother?
Yes, of course, but with a strange love, like the victim of his tormentor.
In general, those who did not know the discomfort in relations with their mother cannot even imagine how many young women in the world suffer from the realization of their dislike for their mother, looking for a way out of this unbearable state. On the other hand, there are many who managed to get sick, overcome the guilt that destroys them in front of their mother - guilt for not loving her, get away from the stereotype of selfless love for kindred care and restrained signs of attention, and even allow themselves to open up: “I don’t love mother". Thus, they are trying to save themselves from a painful, unnatural break with their mother, to whom they owe their birth. But we must admit that if this is a cure, then it is only temporary, and the disease is recurrent. It is hardly possible to definitively step aside from the unique bond between mother and child. Maybe find a cure.
If a young woman cannot overcome the pain in herself because she does not love her mother, cannot overcome indifference or pacify hatred for her, then we must try to understand, for example, with the help of a psychoanalyst, why an unhealthy relationship has developed with her mother, recognize the insurmountability of the collapse that has occurred and let go of this pain: do not judge your mother, but forgive yourself, maintaining an accessible, neutral form of relationship, especially since mothers grow old with age, and daughters in any case will not do without taking care of them.
I am a girl and I am 25 years old.
My mother gave birth to me at the age of 20. She was still very young, she wanted to live, but there was a feeling that I interfered with her in this. She liked to sleep, and if someone woke her up in the morning, she was very irritable. I usually got up very quietly, afraid to wake her up, because when she woke up, she would have been yelling for two hours, or even would have punished me.
When I was 6 years old, my sister was born, but despite this, after a while she and her father divorced. I was left with my father, but my mother, with her younger sister, moved to the village and got married again.
My father allowed me to live with my grandmother (or maybe just fused), who lived on the floor below.
I lived with my grandmother for the whole school year, and went to my mother for the holidays, but my mother was always cold (I still don’t understand why my grandmother sent me to her, thereby increasing the childhood trauma). Whatever I said was wrong and stupid, not to mention hugging or kissing me.
Over time, my father became addicted to alcohol, in each of his drunkenness, he did not miss the opportunity to mention that my mother left me, which is actually not surprising, because she was always trying to get rid of me.
I always hoped that he was deceiving me, because he was in pain, he was left alone. Can't a mother want to get rid of her child?
But, feeling the coldness of my mother, I began to understand that they did not love me, and, as is usual with children, to blame my mother for this. younger sister, although now only I understand that she is not to blame. But then, childish jealousy took its toll, and my sister doesn’t really burn with love for me either. The only one who really loves me is my brother, my mother's son from another man.
At the same time, I always envied their relationship, I watched how mom played with both of them, kissed, did everything that a normal mother does with her children. She never played with me like that.
Now I understand that my father was right, she never wanted me, as if I didn't exist for her. It was hard for me to grow up without a mother all these years, and who wouldn't? I couldn't muster the strength to talk to her about it. Everything was not the right moment. And now it makes no sense. I learned not to look for her and to live without a mother.
How is that even possible? How can a mother love her children differently? Don't they write in all the books that a mother's heart is limitless and there is a place in it for each of her children? I understand that this childish psychological trauma prevents me from living now, but I do not know how to behave.
Stop talking to your mother? Help, advise?
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