Valeria Protasova
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What is the relationship between the two based on? "Three whales" happy family life- these are mutual feelings, complete mutual understanding and, of course, trust. Moreover, the last "whale" is the most solid and important. Trust is easy to lose, but hard to win. What to do if trust in the family is lost? How to restore it?
A relationship without trust is always torture for both. And I don’t want to lose my dear half (after all, we have gone through and experienced so much together!) And ... there is no more strength to pretend that everything is fine. Running away is always easier, but it's still worth at least trying to restore trust in the relationship. The main thing is to identify the causes of the “disease” and correctly prescribe the “treatment”. The main reasons for the loss of trust:
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is extremely difficult. But if you really want and be patient, you can give the relationship a second life.
Everyone has their own attempts to regain the partner’s trust - according to the situation and the strength of the feeling (if it remains). The main thing here is to carefully analyze what happened after all:
If you understand that you can’t do without your partner and are ready to start everything from scratch, avoid the most common mistakes:
Where to begin? What to do? What steps to take so that your partner looks at you with loving eyes again? After analyzing the situation, self-pity and taking into account all possible mistakes, we recall what experts say in such a situation:
And remember that no one will give you a second chance.
Different people imagine relationships that can be called ideal in different ways, but many dream of them, seeing their happiness in such relationships. And I completely agree with this, because in, if not ideal, but in good enough relationships, there really is happiness, and these good relationships can be built if you know how. One of the problems in relationships that does not allow making them good, reliable, durable is distrust. It prevents people from being happy. When there is distrust in relationships between people, it haunts both partners. And if people do not learn to trust each other, and most importantly - to justify each other's trust, their relationship will most likely not last long. Let's, dear readers, take a look at why mistrust arises in relationships and what should be done with it so that it does not harm them.
First, we must deal with the cause of mistrust in a relationship. By itself, nothing happens in this world, everything has its own reason, by studying which, it is possible to prevent the occurrence of a state we do not need. So why does mistrust arise in a relationship? There are several reasons for this.
First, it is a person's life experience. He will inevitably influence how his relations with people will develop in the present and future. Very often, turning to me for help, people refer to their difficult life, which forced them, as they say, to become distrustful and suspicious. In principle, our life is really arranged in such a way that no one can be trusted in it. It is very dangerous. But we have to do this, because without trust, it is almost impossible to do business and communicate with people. We still have to trust someone. Moreover, if you are getting married or getting married - you must be confident in your future husband or in your future wife! Otherwise, why do you connect your fate with this person at all? But when a person has a huge negative experience of communicating with people behind him, he is afraid to believe, afraid to trust, afraid to fall in love and love. He tends to see other people as his enemies rather than friends and allies. Fear caused by certain negative experiences in the past poisons people's lives and does not allow them to look confidently into the future, it constantly reminds them of what happened to them in the past so that they are ready to protect themselves from a similar threat in the future. Therefore, if you were deceived, betrayed, humiliated, used in the past, then this negative life experience will inevitably be superimposed on your relationships in the present and future. You will doubt the honesty and decency of your partner, no matter how perfect he may be, and who by his behavior will not even give a hint that he can deceive you. But it will still be difficult for you to trust him, it will be difficult for you to look at him with a clean look, not spoiled by past experience. And so you will put pressure on him with this distrust of yours, you will undermine your relationship with him with your suspicion, jealousy, and captiousness. There will be tension between you, based on your life experience. It may also happen that it is your partner who, due to their negative life experiences, puts pressure on you, or both of you will put pressure on each other.
Secondly, and this is much more important, or better to say - more precisely than the above reason - this is the betrayal that has already taken place in your relationship with your partner. Either you him or he could betray you once, and both of you will never forget it. In some cases, both partners could betray each other, one or more times, and this betrayal, of course, greatly and permanently undermines the trust of partners in each other. It's one thing when you faced betrayal in the past, which was connected with another person, with other people, you can still somehow move away from this. And you will feel completely different if your current partner has already betrayed you. This is an experience you will definitely not forget as long as you live with this person. In this case, the fear of betrayal will be absolutely justified. There is even nothing to comment on, if a person betrayed you once, then he is capable of it, and since he is capable of it, it means that he can betray you the next time. And as life shows, this is exactly what happens in most cases - people who betray once, betray again. Although, there are exceptions, which I will talk about in more detail below, and which you need to be able to calculate from this rule. Well, if the same person betrayed you two, three or more times, then what kind of trust can we talk about, then this word should be forgotten. In this case, it is appropriate to talk about how to live in a state of distrust towards a partner, and whether it is worth living like that at all, and not about how to start trusting someone who cannot be trusted, someone who does not deserve trust.
Thirdly, a person may not trust his soulmate, and indeed all the people in his life, because of his own problems, complexes, fears, real and / or imaginary shortcomings, and also because of the feeling that no one loves, does not respect, does not appreciate, and no one in this world needs you. In general, the weakness of a person, primarily spiritual, moral and intellectual weakness, forces him to be afraid of a mass of all kinds of threats, including the threat of betrayal, from which he does not know how to protect himself. That is, the lack of trust in a partner, in fact, may not have any serious grounds, and then this problem must be solved not with a partner, arranging scandals and interrogations for him, about his every action or words spoken by him, but with himself. I know from experience that not many people agree that their distrust of their partner is based more on a problem with themselves than on the actions or words of their partner. It is easier for them to blame other people for everything, who, by their actions, words, and generally awkward gestures, allegedly undermine their confidence. But this, as you understand, is a dead end situation. If your partner is not to blame for anything before you, then why should he justify himself to you, why should he adapt to your internal problems, trying all the time to guess what his actions will affect you? Is normal relations possible in such tension?
Fourth, a person may not trust others because he does not trust himself. And he does not trust himself because he constantly deceives, betrays, betrays, uses. Such a person sees his own reflection in other people. We tend to judge other people by ourselves, so we often believe that if we are able, say, to cheat on our partner in this or that situation, then he, our partner, will also do it in exactly the same situation. And not only in the same situation, but in general. Some people simply cannot understand that other people can be completely different - not like them. If, for example, you constantly deceive and betray everyone, and consider this the norm of life for yourself, then I assure you that there are people in this world who do not act this way and do not consider it necessary to do so. Yes, we are all not perfect and prone to deceit, betrayal, betrayal, a person is too weak to be very correct. But this does not mean that everyone is doing just that, that is, they betray, deceive, change. There are people, indeed there are, who do not betray their husbands or wives and do not cheat on them. Is it hard to believe? And you have to believe, because there are such people, I assure you. Become that person too, not for someone else, but for yourself. When you learn to trust yourself, you will teach others to do the same. And most importantly, you will have the moral right to demand honesty and devotion from other people.
And finally, fifthly, a person may not trust his partner because of pathological jealousy, which has no objective grounds. Actually, this problem is related to the third point, but I decided to consider it separately. The fact is that very often the cause of jealousy is the self-doubt of a jealous person. And without solving this problem with self-doubt, a person will not get rid of unreasonable jealousy, as one of the forms of manifestation of fear. He will be jealous because he will be afraid for his future, he will be afraid of losing his partner. But a self-confident person will not be jealous even in cases where there is every reason for jealousy, because such a person knows that he can always find a replacement for a traitor, a traitor, a liar. I also came across situations where a person can be very jealous because of their beliefs. Yes, yes, because of beliefs. This is when there are people around you, frankly narrow-minded, who say about all men or all women that they are all so bad, I emphasize - everything that they cannot be trusted. And you, constantly hearing this, begin to believe in it. Especially in childhood, we are strongly impressed by everything that we see and hear around us. Here they will convince you that all men are traitors, or all women are bitches, and you will think, do not know, namely, think - that this is really so. And even if life shows you the fallacy of these beliefs that have become yours, it is far from a fact that you will abandon them. There is another reason why people experience pathological jealousy - this is the Ego. A person can have a very high opinion of himself and, because of this, make too high demands on his partner, the failure of which will automatically cause distrust in him. That is, in this case, a person can be jealous of everything that clings to his Ego, even to the completely harmless communication of his partner with the opposite sex.
And here is another very important, and at the same time very subtle point, to which I want to draw your attention, dear readers. You will not learn about this in any textbook on psychology, in any case, I have not found anything similar in the psychological literature. What I will tell you is the result of my own observations of people, as well as the result of my study of other human sciences. We are talking about a person's need for feelings associated with distrust of people, such as jealousy, anger, resentment, mental anguish, and others. I did not include this reason for distrust in the general list of reasons described above, because, as I said, this is a very delicate moment. It must be studied separately. Its essence is that people do not always realize that, having tuned in to a wave of distrust towards their partner and towards people in general, they begin to feed on the emotions and sensations associated with this distrust. Scandals, screams, fights, mutual accusations, suspicions, sometimes so absurd that they cannot even be refuted, all this captures a person, and he begins to live with it. And even when objectively there is nothing to complain about, he finds a reason to quarrel, to blame his partner for something, to find something to be offended by, something to be jealous of. It is also the need for suffering - to feel like a victim of circumstances, a victim of deceit, a victim of betrayal. That is, a person plunges into a depressive state and stays in it, receiving specific pleasure from it. In general, in this case, a person, a married couple, can and must be helped by a psychologist. He must reconfigure a man and a woman, or one of them, to another - a more benevolent and positive wave, so that in a person, in people, a need arises - in normal, trusting relationships. So that they begin to enjoy not from heartache and suffering, but from joy, love, goodness and harmony.
Now, friends, let's, with all of the above, discuss in more detail the solution to the problem of mistrust in relationships, so that each of you, for whom it is relevant, can solve it.
If you do not trust your partner, because of which your relationship with him suffers, ask yourself - why do you not trust him? Yes, yes, not - why, namely - why. The thing is that you can initially be set up to distrust people, because, as mentioned above, your life experience, because of your personal problems, because you yourself are such a person to whom cannot be trusted, and especially because of your desire to get feelings associated with distrust of people. Therefore, I want to put at the forefront the question of your desire, and not the objective reasons that cause you to distrust your man or woman. You must clearly and clearly understand your desires in order to know what exactly you are doing in order to - not trust your partner. Maybe you don't trust him because you don't want to trust him. Perhaps you are used to living in a state of an offended, humiliated, deceived, oppressed person, and it has become natural for you, and you can even say that it is comfortable. If so, then you definitely need to change your attitude towards yourself and towards life in order to stop loving pain and suffering. You do not need to move from a state of distrust to a state of trust, I am not calling you to this, I am not calling you to recklessly trust people, I want you to decide for yourself whether you want to objectively assess reality or not. If your partner is not trustworthy, don't trust him! But first you need to make sure that he really does not deserve your trust. It is not necessary to endow a person with certain qualities - without fully knowing him. Therefore, pay attention to how you generally relate to people, who do you see in them, who do you want to see in them, and why do you want to see someone in particular in them? A traitor lives in each of us, but not each of us allows this traitor to manifest himself. And if you are looking for a traitor in your partner, you will find him. Not only that - you can even make your partner a traitor if you want to. So, either on your own or with the help of a psychologist, figure out your views on life, your desires, both conscious and unconscious, and your value system.
A lot also depends on your interpretation of certain actions of your partner. A simple example: let's say that your former man or your former woman- cheated on you, cheated on you. And when that happened, you couldn't get through to him or her. And for yourself, you figured out that if you can not get through to your partner, it is only because, or most likely because he is cheating on you. Therefore, when you start a new relationship, with another man or with another woman, if you cannot get through to your new partner, you will begin to suspect him of treason. This will happen automatically, because you only know how to interpret the inability to get through to your man or your woman, you simply do not have another experience, another understanding of this situation. That is, the negative experience of the past, plus your own conclusions based on certain actions of your partner, can cause you to have absolutely unreasonable distrust in him. It is not necessary that your partner is cheating on you if you cannot get through to him, or if he was late at work, or if he corresponded with someone on the Internet, and so on and so forth. But you can see the problem in all this. Because you will make a problem out of it. Do you understand what mistakes we tend to make, erroneously interpreting certain actions of our partner, this or that information associated with him? So before you develop in your brain distrust of a person - your partner, and even more so to show it to him - find the strength to calm down your emotions and do not be too lazy to understand the causes and essence of each specific situation that causes you concern. Only after carefully studying all the information you know about your partner and his actions, determine your attitude towards him. I can tell you from experience that very often mistrust between partners, which causes serious problems in their relationship, is not supported by any significant facts proving the validity of their accusations against each other, and in fact, arises out of the blue. And all because people judge each other superficially, in some cases biased, and often misinterpret each other's actions.
As for mistrust based on the real treacherous misdeeds of one of the partners in the past, in this case, it is important to decide with him how you will live on. Yes, it is difficult to trust a person who has already betrayed you once, and this is no accident. Indeed, having betrayed once, many people betray again, such are the laws of nature. Scorpio - stings, traitor - betrays. But there are people who are aware of their mistakes, and who, in case they are dear to you, deserve forgiveness. So learn to forgive. It sounds, of course, simple - to take and forgive the one who betrayed you. It's just in words, but not just in deeds. Understand. But you will also understand - if a person learned a lesson from a mistake he made and agreed that his betrayal is precisely a mistake made by him out of stupidity, and not an act that he simply could not hide from you, then most likely he will be in the future will not make this mistake again. But a person who has not made any mistakes in his life, theoretically, is more inclined to make them. Without learning the lessons of life, it is difficult to learn something. Anyone can betray, but not everyone will condemn their betrayal and learn a lesson from it. Therefore, I repeat, the main thing is for a person to learn a lesson from his mistakes, and not pretend that he learned it. We can all stumble, no one is immune from this, but the betrayal of a person, committed by him out of stupidity and inexperience, is not a reason to put an end to him. Therefore, my advice to you is to forgive those who sincerely repented of their bad deeds towards you, such people deserve forgiveness. Well, if you see that a person is capable of betraying you again, in the future, when such an opportunity presents itself, and that he can no longer be corrected, decide for yourself whether you want to live with him or not. When we talk about those who betray and deceive, we must understand that these are people who can never be trusted, they can either be accepted or they should be abandoned.
In the event that your distrust of your partner is caused by your own problems, then solve these problems. Do not make your partner suffer because you are not confident enough in yourself, that you have a lot of complexes, fears, and various kinds of shortcomings that do not allow you to feel like a full-fledged person. Contact psychologists, because they exist for this, to solve your problems. Just before you realize this, realize that distrust in the relationship between you and your partner is caused by your real or imaginary shortcomings, your internal problems. It is always difficult for people to admit their own guilt in their problems, but we need to learn how to do this in order to get out of impasses into which our internal problems can drive us. We are all in one way or another, so to speak - defective, people with an ideal psyche, I'm sure, do not exist. Therefore, if you feel that you don’t like something about yourself, that you are imperfect in something, or that your thoughts about yourself are too bad, contact a psychologist, let him work with you, let him help you get rid of all these problems . Do not shift your personal problems to relationships with a partner, do not destroy what is very difficult to build. And trust between people, trust in relations between a man and a woman is indeed a very complex structure that requires great sacrifice, patience and understanding.
Now, let's talk about what kind of person you are. If you always deceive and betray everyone, then you probably suspect other people that they also want to deceive you and can betray you. And you know what - you have every right to think so. Indeed, how can one be honest with someone who himself is deceiving everyone? Sow evil, you will receive evil. Therefore, if you want to have a trusting relationship with your partner, become an example for him and these relationships. And only after that understand one simple thing - people are not judged by themselves. Of course, we attract to ourselves those people and we ourselves are attracted to them, who are somewhat similar to us. Therefore, if you are a liar and a traitor, then there is a high probability that the same liars and traitors will surround you. But since everything in life is much more complicated, you may well meet in it an honest and decent person who will not deceive and betray you even in his thoughts. But you can spoil everything if you constantly suspect this person of deceit and betrayal, thinking of him the same way you think of yourself. People often become what we ourselves make them. Our attitude towards people has a very strong effect on their behavior with us, so never, by your attitude towards a person, make him someone you do not want to see in him. And even more so, do not try to see yourself in other people. And, of course, don't treat other people the way you don't want them to treat you. And then everything will be with you, if not perfect, then at least good.
And finally, let's talk again about what kind of atmosphere you want to live in - in an atmosphere of constant distrust of your partner, or in an atmosphere of goodness, joy and happiness? Do you think it depends on the actions of your partner, or on the actions of other people? Wrong, it's up to you. The world you live in is up to you. Be your own ideal husband or perfect wife. Or at least aim for it - don't cheat on your partner, don't cheat on him, don't betray him, don't use him, don't manipulate him! In a word, be someone you can trust. And whether your partner will appreciate your honesty or not is another matter. If he doesn’t appreciate it, he has no place next to you.
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
Hello! My name is Natalya, I’m 29 years old, I found out about my husband’s infidelity in July 2015 and still can’t recover, I forgave, but I don’t have confidence, completely constant thoughts about her drive me crazy, in any case, I myself remind him of her because of this often quarrel, help me please! I have no more strength, it feels like I'll go crazy soon! Yes, I'm on maternity leave, my son is two years old, the eldest son goes to the garden!
Mar 30 2016
Hello, Natalia! Surviving betrayal is not easy - distrust and constant suffering result in conflicts, and the situation repeats itself in a circle. Please tell us how and what exactly did you find out about your husband's infidelity almost a year ago? How did he explain the reason for the betrayal? Did you know that woman or not? As a result, the husband promised to leave her, but do you still suspect something?
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
I had a dream that I buried my husband, but I didn’t see a grave, I didn’t see a coffin, why I say I left us, how I will raise children without you and woke up, he was not at home that night, he worked as a district police officer at that time, in the morning he comes says that the employee got married, we’ll go ashore, we’ll have a rest, I was delighted to escape together for the first time, at that time he had already met with her for three months, he took a motorcycle for a ride in nature, it wasn’t long before he came covered in blood, we went to my mother-in-law there, we still sat there, I heard a strange conversation on the phone that today I can not ...
Then in the evening I got into the phone, read the last SMS, didn’t have time to delete it, went to bed but couldn’t sleep, went, got into the car, took out a flash drive from the video recorder, and that’s how I found out everything
I woke him up, showed him, of course he was in shock, that I know, had a fight, left home for the night, said that he was not with her
I didn’t know her, then I found out that she is a prostitute with cops sleeping on her own married husband tyutya matyutya, two twin sons, live richly, but they each live their lives for the sake of their children, probably
Then, after about two months, I found a phone in the car with another SIM card, read the correspondence, it was with her, they arranged a meeting there, nothing like that, one word, sun, he called me, he didn’t call me that, and I finally decided that I would get a divorce, I went to the documents to collect the court, and he pulled out my passport and gave it back only a week later, when I had already calmed down a bit
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
He said that I don’t know how it happened, she wrote to him, wrote messages, asked for a meeting, well, how to refuse, at that time he often drank at work, I trusted him to come and in the morning, lying from three boxes, I pretended to have lied
He doesn’t meet again, after the second time, as I found out, he said that he realized that he could lose us and could no longer return, here the other day again a conversation over a mug of beer only tells me something himself is very closed now the detective is working, so he said , yes, forget about her, I forgot about her for a long time and you forget there was nothing, he said that he couldn’t find anyone better than me, I say, well, you live because it’s so convenient for you and it’s done in the house and the children are nearby, he said that now children not to keep anyone, I would like to leave long ago, he says that he loves, it has become better in sex, only now I am a solid lump of complexes because of this story I can’t really relax, it stands between us and that’s it
One more thing worries me, he says yes, why does she need me, that I can give her a rich husband, and when I asked him to communicate no, he says she doesn’t get in touch herself, it hurts me even more, I would say that she wouldn’t tell him I need it and I don't want to talk to her...
Mar 30 2016
With the phrase "well, how to refuse" you seem to justify your husband for the fact that the relationship continued. "Constant thoughts about her drive me crazy" - please describe what you think and what feelings come up at these moments? Could you frankly tell your husband that you would like words from him about the uselessness of that woman? It seems that with the wording “she doesn’t get in touch herself, she doesn’t need me,” the husband wants to reassure you, but it turns out the other way around.
Natalia, also indicate the age of your husband and how many years have you been together? How did your relationship start? What (conflict, misunderstanding/difficulties in everyday matters or in moments of intimacy) preceded her husband's infidelity? The answers to these questions will help us move forward.
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
We have been together for 10 years in marriage, almost nine, preceded, the birth of a second child began to sleep separately, often cursed, everyday life, well, because of his booze, of course, in December he was coded enough for three months, but now he only drinks at home or in the garage if necessary with men, he was 31 when he didn’t drink, there was an opinion that he began to “punish” me in terms of sex once a day and kept saying that I didn’t want to ... The encoding must have influenced something, so he said
We met, I worked together as an accountant, and after the army he came to get a job as a worker, then we met through friends
Specifically, he gnaws and eats from the inside, what he betrayed and that some lady knows too much too much about me and my family
When I think about her, yes, even somewhere in social networks, the name Oksana flashes and all at once she pops up and all the pain associated with her, I start remembering video clips from the registrar in the smallest detail. Details, although I understand why I need all this, but I can’t do anything
Now, as I began to drink in terms of sex, everything seems to be normal, but even if we don’t sleep for a day, I start to bully, although I understand that he is also not a robot and gets tired at work! At work, he says that everyone has stopped communicating with him, now you can’t drink or talk with you, you walk around with your wife, he considers himself an outcast
I say, I brought it to this myself, I can’t determine now when he speaks the truth when not
When I found out that I was cheating, I started smoking ... Although before that I couldn’t learn how much I hadn’t tried, and now when a wave of anxiety covers me, I want to smoke, but I calm myself with the fact that there are no cigarettes at home and I drink sedative standards because I don’t know how to live on, I drink pills, it seems easier
I’m also worried that our children go to the same kindergarten, they have the opportunity to see them at least twice a day, although I understand perfectly if they want to meet, nothing will stop and that it’s stupid, well, like this, I wound myself up no where ... On work must go out, it will be forgotten faster, the younger one will go to the garden in the summer at the same
Mar 30 2016
Natalia, restoring trust is possible: it's a lot of work on yourself, but I think you can handle it. Tell me: do you still have love for your husband?
When thoughts about that woman come up, what is the leading feeling you experience - bitterness, your own uselessness, anger, resentment, desire to take revenge on your rival?
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
Love remained, of course, I sometimes think that it’s impossible to love like that, it’s a shame very much that I could cause so much pain and now I wonder how I was able to survive all this, I now constantly compare myself with her, I don’t know why, I also want to be no worse than she, she has a lot of course and I can’t keep up with her and again ... I don’t want to be a simpleton compared to her
There is no longer a desire to take revenge, it’s below my dignity to dirty my hands about her, and please advise how to behave in front of her in the garden, we meet anyway, I immediately run away so that it’s out of sight, but I think this is not right, in short, how can I increase my self-esteem?
Mar 30 2016
Natalia, you absolutely correctly saw part of your problem - self-doubt and the need to increase self-esteem. Ideally, it would be nice for you to go to a face-to-face consultation, but if this is not possible, I will write you several possible options for action:
- take a pen and a sheet, divide it into 2 columns, in the left formulate and write your negative traits (both in appearance and character: too long nose, lazy - for example), in the right - positive ( beautiful hair, sociable, cheerful, etc.). Then cut off the left half of the sheet and throw it away, and carefully fold the right half and carry it with you for a while.
- do not turn your own mistakes or shortcomings into a disaster on a planetary scale: focus on your achievements and merits (for this you can start a special notebook where you will write down such positive moments, and re-read what you have written from time to time, increasing your self-confidence).
- take care of yourself from other people (from your husband, children, friends) and try to take care of yourself (both in thoughts and in communication and in action);
- at least once a day, do something for yourself (enjoy yourself with beautiful clothes, an interesting book / magazine, a gathering in a cafe, or just a walk - anything that your soul is in and for which you have enough time and money).
Natalia, tell us about the meetings in the garden - when do they take place, and what do you feel when you see this woman?
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
Maria Vinogradova,
Meetings are rare because the husband usually takes her son to the garden, but when there was a time that she herself took her son away, she often met with twins and with her husband in appearance such an exemplary and demonstrative "family", she of course lowers her eyes when meeting, but on the contrary I look in point blank, or, if we meet right at the gate, I try to speed up the step so that they don’t collide with her at the door
Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely take it into account! I also noticed that I’m getting very irritable before menstruation, now it’s just such a period, my husband’s brain starts to take off more at this time, I sometimes think that it won’t be enough for a long time, I once wrote him an SMS “how do you live with me with such hysterical, I would have run away a long time ago if they dripped on my brain like that ... he-well, sometimes there is a brain drain, I'm not a saint, how can you tolerate me?
Why did I fixate on her? After all, you can be jealous of everyone, but there is no such thing, in a quarrel, only she is remembered ...
Mar 30 2016
Natalia, everyone has moments of increased vulnerability and emotional excitability. In the premenstrual period, this is typical for most women (if you are interested, you can read the special literature on this issue). You are worried about this condition, so you can ask your doctor to recommend some sedatives or vitamins for this period.
As for that woman, you continue to mentally compare yourself with her, and in your eyes this comparison is almost always in her favor. This causes pain and contributes to the development of insecurity in their attractiveness to her husband. But you are a separate, unlike anyone else person with your own merits and pluses. It is important to learn to notice them more in yourself and praise yourself for even minor achievements. You can keep a notebook where you will record them and reread them from time to time (starting with "got up on time" and ending with "organized an important meeting" - everything that you successfully complete during the day).
For a more complete study of this issue, you need to think and write here - in what particular points do you think you are losing to this woman?
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
My husband said that it was interesting to have something to talk about with her ... And so, in principle, I’m better than her in many ways, it’s not from a good life that she climbs into other people’s families, but I’m a happy person, I don’t have a bad husband, this was the first time I about treason, and so he never once called me names and did not hit me. We need to work on ourselves and stop comparing, I have my own life and I won’t let anyone destroy what has been created over the years! Thank you!
Mar 30 2016
Natalyazxc
I’m also worried, but again, this is not trust that when he’s not nearby, let’s say he went to the garage or to heat the bathhouse or, what he’s doing on the street, I need to follow him, and his friend will talk on the phone and even with her, I understand one thing is that if I’m calm, my husband will understand that I forgot everything and will start talking to her again, so I constantly drip on his brains, although I myself understand that this is only worse for our relationship, but I can’t do anything with myself ...
Mar 30 2016
Natalya, you are not sure about your husband's feelings, right? You fear that, deep down, the husband still wants to continue the relationship with that woman. How is your anxiety holding him back - are you deepening his guilt? Or is he trying to "push" his feelings for her and take care of you, watching how hard it is for you - how do you feel?
Mar 31 2016
Natalyazxc
I am sure of my husband's feelings, and when I talked with Oksana, she told me that he loves you. It's just that in me, Sherlock Holmes "woke up" I need to follow him, suddenly I find out something, I'm afraid of being deceived again, it seems to me that I won't survive this anymore, but on the other hand I don't want to be deceived, I want the truth but I don’t know which one myself ... I would want to leave, I would go to her, right? If he would be better off with her
Mar 31 2016
Natalia, did you communicate with Oksana by phone or in person? At what point in the situation was this conversation - before or after she and her husband ended their relationship? In your question about how if the husband were better off with her, he would leave, I hear the need for evidence that you turned out to be the best for the husband as a result (although not completely sure about this, right?). Is your fear of being deceived again a fear of the pain you are experiencing right now, or is it something else? Your Sherlock Holmes is the result of low self-esteem and uncertainty about a cloudless future with your husband (even though you know that he really loves you).
Let's try to implement two main strategies to restore your inner peace and complete trust in your husband:
1) Talk to him about the need to make the relationship transparent. This means that you will inform each other more about your intentions and upcoming actions. Consistent and predictable behavior will help you appreciate your husband's honesty and provide a solid foundation for the relationship;
2) Determine what specific moments make you feel distrustful (the husband leaves the room to answer a call or SMS, does not give information about what will be delayed, in advance, etc.). Choose the right time and honestly tell your husband about these moments: this will give him the opportunity to review and change his habits in such a way as to regain your full trust.
Do you know what is one of the reasons for male infidelity? Lies? Betrayals? Of course, you can talk for a long time about the fact that there are no normal men, look for the guilty and pity the victims. But in fact, very often in my practice I encounter the fact that the reason for such situations in family life is distrust of the husband.
After my patients hear such a “verdict”, many objections and denials begin. Like, I trusted him, I wasn’t jealous of every skirt, I didn’t climb the phone, but he still cheated, you bastard. And my theory in their eyes looks erroneous and absurd. But when we begin to analyze the situation, it turns out that they:
- They work in hard and unloved work only in order to, in case of something (!) Stay with the means of subsistence;
- Secretly from the husband they save money “just in case” (you never know how it will turn out further);
- Have "backup options" - fans who would like to be in the place of their husbands;
- Husbands are not allowed to go to the bath / go fishing / go to a bar with friends.
But many of these women have been married for more than ten years and are raising several children in a joint marriage. And they didn’t even ask before the question of how to learn to trust their husband, because they sincerely believed that they trusted him anyway!
How to understand that you do not trust your husband? There are several distinguishing characteristics of distrust. So, you do not trust if:
- You think that you and your husband are unlucky, that somewhere there are better options;
- You admit the idea that your marriage is not durable;
Do you want to provide yourself with financial protection or insurance in case of divorce;
- Do you admit the idea that your husband may have a mistress;
- You don’t want to let your husband go anywhere, you think that he should be “under supervision”.
- Do not allow him to make decisions, re-read him in everything and argue.
If you want to understand how to learn to trust your husband, then, first of all, you must realize that trust is not only associated with jealousy, as is commonly believed. It's something more. Trust in everything. By life. Indeed, it often happens that a husband goes “to the left” only because his wife did not believe in him, for example, as an entrepreneur. She thought that he would not be able to do anything. I didn't believe, so I didn't trust. It is the same. Or reproached him constantly, criticized and condemned. And he couldn't bear to be treated like that. Such distrust and rejection of him as a person. Therefore, in order to start truly trusting your husband, you need to:
- Accept him for who he is. With all its flaws;
- Be grateful to God and fate for such a husband;
- Learn to respect your husband for the good that he certainly has;
- Forgive your husband for those of his actions that once offended you;
- Develop your feminine nature, reveal femininity.
In addition, if you are wondering how to learn to trust your husband, it is important to forgive not only him, but everyone significant men in my life, starting with my father. Since resentment against other men does not allow your heart to open, they block the trust that would be the key to your family happiness.
For example, you grew up in a family where your father constantly cheated on his wife, that is, your mother. Naturally, a program has started in your subconscious, which, since you have not seen anything else. And the fact that you attracted a husband who also cheated on you is just a consequence of this program. To be offended by him for this, or even worse - to get a divorce, is pointless. Since the next applicant will continue to implement this generic program. You need to work with yourself, not with him. With their ideas about men, with their grievances against dad. Claims. Accusations.
If your husband is cheating on you, you are definitely going through a lesson in your life. What a lesson - you should understand. Acceptance, trust, respect. There are several options, but they all come down to one thing - work on yourself. All you have to do to learn to trust your husband is to forgive him, forgive all men and accept your husband for who he is. To see in him a hero, a knight, a defender. The person you once fell in love with and said to him: "Yes."
Good afternoon! I'm at an impasse. Four months of constant quarrels and showdowns with my husband, it's unbearable! I'm 23, he's 24, married for 5 years. As you know, everything comes to an end.
It all started, probably, at the moment when he began to go on business trips. I was sad and lonely, but I entered into his position and tried to understand him (because there are problems with business, a lot of debts), because it was the only an opportunity to improve our financial situation.
... in the end, I could not stand the loneliness and left him (thus I wanted to draw his attention to my person). For him, it was a blow and he went through it hard (however, like me) ...
I returned. A couple of weeks passed and I left again, after I saw a photo on the Internet: he was at the sea with a friend. was angry with me because of the previous departure.
I reacted to these photos in such a way, because in our family it is unacceptable to relax separately. Yes, and my state of mind was terrible!
He was in no hurry to ask for my return. He left on another business trip, and showed up upon arrival. We talked "about nothing", I did not draw any conclusion from the conversation, but I returned with great hopes that this was just such a period in my life and everything will definitely work out. Weeks passed ... He left, he came, we quarreled again,
reconciled, cried, together, over fate. I tried to somehow be distracted, but I constantly miss him, lack attention, care, and even when he arrives, it seems to me that he does not completely give himself to me, and he, for his part, explained this the fact that he is very offended by me because of my departures (he considers this a betrayal).
On the other hand, when he comes home, he is really tired, smells unpleasant, complains that he is tired of everything, that he is tired of everything, and in general he has a desire to drink.
I decided for myself that time should pass and TRY to control myself. But, the other day, I took his phone, and, of course, out of curiosity, I went to SMS and came across an MMS from some lady and her photographs and signature : "Good morning!". That's it...
I started to find out who it was, etc. etc. He explained that this is just a girl who sticks to them (she was then at sea), while I didn’t see much excitement in his eyes. I tried not to scandal, because, to be honest, I had strength I’m no longer in scandals. We tried to get burned, but it all ended with him smashing the phone against the wall into small pieces. I said that if he stopped loving me, then I would let him go, but he claimed the opposite, that he loves me and if if it mattered to him in some way, he wouldn't let me see it.
We talked for half a day, he told me a lot of things that the family is the main thing for him ...
I do not want to believe that he is cheating on me, but something inexplicable is happening inside me: a mixture of different feelings!
In short, I don’t know what to do! After that, I don’t believe him! And I don’t know how to behave. I love him very much and I used to feel love from him, but now everything has been questioned. as if "stuck" ... I'm crying and I constantly have this photo in front of my eyes. Maybe something is wrong with me? Please advise what to do? How to get out of this situation? If we continue to scandal, then it won't end well.
Thank you very much in advance. I hope for your help!
