Question to the psychologist:
Good day! My name is Albert. I have such a problem. My wife left me two years ago. We have a 4 year old daughter. Left me for mine ex friend. They began to live together, he constantly beat her. She returned three times in the first month, he came for her and she ran away again. Then she stopped bothering me for about six months, then she started calling again and wanted to get back together, but I no longer believed her and was very offended. I set the condition that she waited for me for a year and did not meet with anyone and went into the army to distract herself from everything. At the same time, he hinted in every possible way with his behavior that I would look, think, maybe. I came from the army and found out that she was dating someone else, but she didn’t tell me anything. I was jealous, but slowly managed, found a girl, I was fine, but then my wife started to bother me again so that I could return to her. I returned, it seems like the feelings still remain, but the insult does not go away, she is cold with me, although this was not the case before. Constantly jealous, swearing, irritated by her cold attitude towards me and a rare intimacy. I want to leave, but I can’t because of my daughter, although I understand that I’ll only do harm. I can’t figure it out, the roof is already going, but she doesn’t care and she doesn’t consider herself guilty (well, she doesn’t tell me). Of course, I understand that I need to calm down somehow, I can go too far with jealousy and resentment, but I can’t forget, I don’t trust her, I think she’s cheating on me, she doesn’t perceive me as a man at all, sex is rare and then in my opinion initiative (because of this, one gets the impression of treason). I myself am soft in character, and she is strong-willed. We don’t live together, I can’t decide, although I go to her every day and usually begin to express my dissatisfaction with her behavior and attitude towards me. I get very angry, became very irritable and withdrawn, obsessed with her. She offers to move in, but I'm afraid it will get worse. He says look for a rented apartment himself, she will not look. He does not call to live with him, he says that he is small, the three of us will be crowded. I want to restore my family, but I don’t want to constantly swear, she believes that everything should be according to her, although she does not openly tell me. I have no confidence in her, and she does not want to earn it or disprove my suspicions. Tell me, please, what to do, part with her or try to live together, or maybe I already have paranoia and need to be treated?
Good afternoon Albert!
Separate or try to live together - you yourself must answer this question.
My task, as a psychologist, is to help you take a clearer look at the current situation.
Why did your wife leave you two years ago? What pushes people to change? Looking for the best.
What did your wife not like about your relationship?
When asked why the wife left, answer objectively, be honest with yourself. After all, both parties are always to blame for any conflict, because each of the parties did not want to hear the other. And always in any conflict, both are right, because each of the parties tried to convey its position to the other.
Albert, from what you wrote it is clear - you still have at least some kind of relationship with your wife. What are they based on? You, Albert, apparently still have feelings for your wife, you yourself agree with this. Describe what those feelings are. Love, habit, affection or something else? What are your wife's feelings towards you? Love, affection, or is she just comfortable with you?
Now your relationship is faced with the question: to converge or not?
Do you both want it?
Or is it just you, Albert, that you want?
Or is it just the wife?
If only one wants to restore relations, you must admit, Albert, it’s hard to row against the current yourself. Even if the second not only does not help, but, on the contrary, prevents the flow.
If your desires with your wife coincide regarding the restoration of relations, then you need to network at the "negotiating table" and calmly discuss all your wishes for each other, claims. No raised voices, no scandals. Are you on your way to life together and not on the way to parting!
In order to avoid a scandal that may arise during a conversation, agree to conduct your negotiations as follows: first, one person in a CALM tone expresses everything that worries and is happening in the soul, while the other only LISTENS. DOES NOT INTERRUPT, DOES NOT COMMENT, DOES NOT JUSTIFY! JUST LISTENING!
Then the second of you expresses his position in the same way.
Albert, you write that you would like to leave, but you cannot because of your daughter. At the same time, you understand that this can only do harm.
Of course, it is good when a child grows up in a complete family, where there is a father and mother. And mom and dad love each other, respect each other, support each other, a loving atmosphere reigns in the house, and not screams, scandals ...
A child cannot be happy in a complete family, while being constantly at the epicenter of conflicts between parents. It is fraught with neuroses, and not only. All the negative consequences may come back to haunt you in the future, already in the adult life of your daughter. Mental health, psychological comfort and the happiness of the child as a whole must be taken care of properly. Remember this!
It would seem that what bad can happen when two people love each other, trust and simply cannot imagine life apart? People meet, then get married, plan their future life, dream of meeting old age together somewhere in a cozy house on the seashore. But, unfortunately, it often happens that a couple suddenly breaks up, it would seem, for no apparent reason. Suddenly, one evening, the wife announces that she is leaving. She's just tired of everything, and she wants a change, so she leaves for another. That's all the explanation.
“But what about dreams of a happy future, raising money for a car and a trip to Thailand? After all, it is scheduled in a month! ”, - there are a swarm of thoughts and questions in my head, but, as a rule, all of them are unanswered. Most abandoned husbands believe that if their wife left, then they are losers, but believe me, this is far from the case. Losing a loved one is very hard. The sun is still shining, the wind is blowing, motorists are going somewhere on their own business, children are squealing merrily in the yard, but there is no beloved. Only yesterday she was, and today the wife left for another and there is no peace in her heart.
Stop! On this lyrical note, it's time to stop the blues, self-flagellation and countless rhetorical questions. Enough! It is necessary to “pull yourself together” (after all, there are arms and legs, and what could be more beautiful?) and live on! Even if the wife left for another, you need to take it for granted and rebuild your life in such a way that there is no time left for stupid thoughts.
It is important to carefully plan your schedule. Are projects stuck at work? It's time to dive head first into them. Stay overtime, take work home, the main thing is to schedule the day by the minute so that when you get home, you just want to take a shower and
It is also necessary to go in for sports, if you have not had to before. Join a sports club and go regularly. Not only will you improve your figure and pump up your muscles, you will also add self-confidence, and there the girls will start looking with interest.
Nature is a great way to relieve stress. And the tool at any time of the year. In winter - skiing, snowboarding, skating, in summer - a river, kayaks, fragrant barbecue. There are a huge number of options on how to diversify your leisure time and think about something else, besides the fact that your wife left and
Do not forget about friends, but not those who offer to “drown grief in a glass”, because your wife left, but really help you get out of the quagmire. Meet them, go to premieres, football, martial arts.
It's also a good idea to have a hobby. Maybe it will be photography or cooking, or maybe regular trips to the bath with a lot of wellness treatments. You can combine all this - the main thing is to fully load yourself with work, deeds, events and rare moments of rest.
Or maybe you always wanted the real one and the beloved one was against it? Well, cards in hand, because if wife left Now there are no restrictions! You can have a dog, a cat, and a canary with fish! Try to look at the situation from a different angle - now you don't owe anything to anyone!
The basic rule is to forbid yourself to think about being married, and now your wife has left and the world has turned upside down. This topic is taboo!
Over time, the pain will subside, subside, it will become easier. Calmness and understanding will come that there is a readiness and desire to build a new love. But this moment is very far away and only work and diligence will help to get closer to it.
Remember, it's very easy to relax and let sad thoughts get the better of you, it's much harder to "pull yourself together" and say to yourself: "I'm not going to get sloppy! I am a strong man! I can do it and be happy!” Not everyone can do this, but you need to overcome a difficult period and learn to forgive people, then life will sparkle with new colors.
So your wife left for another man. A situation you wouldn't wish on your enemy. You suffer, you suffer, you cannot find a place for yourself. Are you trying to figure out what you did wrong and how you can fix it? A lot of thoughts and ideas arise in your head, friends and relatives give you advice, trying to help you find a way out of this difficult situation. And from this many options for the development of events, you need to find the only true one.
Do you want to know how to do it? then read on.
First, let's talk about the main male mistakes after a breakup, or what not to do when ex-wife went to another
Get drunk and indulge in "all serious"
Come to terms with the fact that this is the end of life, and you will never be happy again.
Cut off her phone with constant calls asking her to come back and forgive you
Trying to influence her through relatives
Trying to influence the man she went to, to threaten him
Defiantly show your indifference to her
Defiantly invite her friends on a date
All these actions will only strengthen the confidence in your ex's head that she did the right thing by breaking up with you. After all, doing such things you behave unnaturally and at times even stupidly.
Relax, no matter how hard it is. Now emotions are raging in you, and under the influence of these emotions you can do a lot of stupid things. Try to control yourself. If you feel that you are “on edge” again and want to commit a rash act, just lie down and lie down with your eyes closed, listen to your favorite music, call a friend. And only calm down make an informed decision.
Come to terms with the loss. This humility will save you from unnecessary suffering and unjustified expectations. Lets start new life. Even if she comes back, you won't be the same you were when you made a lot of mistakes that caused your wife to leave for someone else.
For two to three weeks, stop all contact with her, including stop looking at her profiles on social networks and photos. This will make it easier for you to come to terms with the loss.
Take care of yourself. At parting, life does not end, what does not kill, makes us stronger. Therefore, go in for sports, if you have abandoned it. Find a new hobby. Start a new life that will be brighter and richer than the period of time when you were together.
Hang out with other women more often. This will help you get the missing attention of the opposite sex and less and less remember the breakup. And who knows, maybe you will meet a woman, and you will like her even more than an ex-wife who left for another.
Analyze mistakes. Most breakups are due to the gross mistakes of one of the partners. Take a notebook and write down all the mistakes that you made in a relationship. First of all, this will help to understand why the wife left for another, and then with this list of mistakes you can prevent them in the future.
Let's take a closer look at the last point. Why did she choose another man instead of you? It's simple - he gave her in a relationship what you did not give. Your wife probably hinted at this to you, but you passed these hints past your ears.
So, what could be your mistakes:
You didn't meet her needs. It can be the intimate side of relationships, emotional intimacy, the ability to support and listen at the right moment.
You paid too much attention to her and the girl did not have time to miss you. You gave gifts, confessed your love, was jealous, constantly called and wrote SMS. She, on the contrary, became colder and colder.
There was no comfort in your relationship and she left, tired of constant scandals and uncertainty.
You did not have common values and goals. You lived the principle of "work-home". You didn’t have scandals, but you didn’t have bright emotions either. If you ever got out somewhere, it was meetings with friends without her. In addition to living together, nothing else connected you. Perhaps she did not see prospects in you and you did not have common goals. For example, having children or buying an apartment.
She did not see a man in you, she was a leader in your relationship, and you were a follower. In any scandal, in her opinion, you were the culprit. And instead of showing character, you agreed with her accusations. She constantly threatened to leave you, and you did everything to prevent this from happening. Remember - most women want to see a strong man next to them, behind whom she will be like behind a stone wall. And that's exactly what you need to be.
Yes, sometimes men are puzzled by such questions. Today, in the age of female emancipation, betrayal by the weaker sex began to occur more and more often. And we can say with confidence that no one is immune from them. What to do? Forgive your spouse? How to survive the betrayal of your beloved wife? What to do if the wife leaves for another? We will talk about this and much more in this article. How to survive the betrayal of his wife and decide on the future of the family To begin with, let's figure out when it is necessary to save the family, and in what cases it is not worth it. For example, cheating on the part of his wife was only once. The wife confessed everything and now wants everything between you to be the same as before. Naturally, it won't be like before. At least in the coming days.
Of course, there are other models - the ritual of waking up and going to bed, walking and relaxing together. A person is so arranged that no matter how he complains about the routine, most of all he wants stability, an understanding of what will happen tomorrow. As you can imagine, it was not easy to give up stability.
At some point, your wife realized that her married life did not suit her and wanted to try something else. Until she does this, she will not return, no matter how hard you try. Later, perhaps, but not now. And certainly you are not able to influence this process with words and persuasion.
Even if such a desire arises, it will appear, first of all, in her head, and now she will look for ways to return you. Time for reflection is necessary not only for her, but also for you.
Even if a woman is categorically against keeping the family, offer her to live separately for a while, and only then make a final decision. Usually 5-7 days is enough. 4. Try to survive the betrayal of your wife as a self-sufficient and adult person. Forgive her and start your relationship over again. You can reinforce your agreement to start over with some kind of ritual: exchange something, say vows, go to the place of your acquaintance, arrange a romantic dinner or vacation, etc.
Attention
This moment will divide your life into before and after, it will allow both of you to break away from the old situation and live in a new one. 5. In no case do not try on the role of a victim, an “offended person”, which constantly reminds you of an offense that was once inflicted. So it will be easier for your couple to save the relationship, taking them to a new level, and you yourself will survive the betrayal of your wife.
Our home is our castle. And it is very painful when the closest person, his own wife, hands him over to the enemy. Surviving the fact that the wife left for another is not easy, but there is no other way out.
Fate sends only those trials that a person is able to survive and only in such a way as to provide the maximum opportunity for further development. A Serious Lesson Let's start by realizing the seriousness of the situation. Yes, everything happens not in a dream, but in reality. Life teaches a serious and painful lesson only when it is necessary to urgently and radically change one's aspirations, goals, values.
Relationships are maintained by two, both a woman and a man. The gap indicates serious mistakes on the part of both. Time to think about what miscalculations were made.
But, believe me, there are many women who you want to love, who attract attention and conquer with their inner world. Among them, you will definitely find your soulmate. The main thing is to believe in it and not close yourself from others.
Important
No matter how painful it is, forgive the woman. If possible, talk to her and tell her that you don't hold grudges. After all, if the wife goes to her lover, there is a part of your fault in this. In addition, forgiveness will benefit you. As negativity builds up in our soul, we become more and more depressed and angry.
Info
Sometimes leaving is a demonstration of the last desperate attempt to attract attention. In this case, it makes sense to gather your thoughts, analyze the situation. Gradual changes in their behavior can restore family balance.
Hello dear readers! Breakups are always a surprise. Even if you deep down suspected that this would happen, it still most likely happened suddenly and at the most inopportune moment. Most often this is exactly what happens. And the result is chaos in the head and a complete misunderstanding of what is happening.
The wife went to another - what to do. That is what we will talk about today. How can a husband live on, what to expect and what to hope for, how to relate to what is happening and what to do in general in this situation? You will receive some advice from a psychologist that will help you deal a little with the events that have fallen on you. Wait It is interesting that when women face a similar problem, the first thing they look for is conspiracies, prayers and step by step instructions upon the return of the prodigal husband. Men are more selfish.
Much depends on the atmosphere within the family. And this calm environment is greatly disturbed if the spouse decides to leave for a completely different representative of the stronger sex.
Returning to normal after this is not an easy task, but there is no other way. Everyone knows that life gives us only such tasks that we are able to solve. The main thing here is time. You can't dwell on the problem. You need to find the strength in yourself to move on with your life.
Content Topics
To begin with, it is worth realizing that this is not a joke and not a dream. Everything is happening in all seriousness, here and now in real life. It can be called a lesson from life that brought pain, but still a lesson. This means that you need to change something in your life: a goal, aspiration, your values or views. Relationships are things that are shared by two. If they were violated, then mistakes were made by both sides.
It is worth thinking carefully about where the miscalculation was made. Thus, a beautiful person has made one last attempt to draw your attention to herself. Now you need to gather all your thoughts together and make an analysis of this morally difficult event. If you change your behavior, then maybe your wife will come back to you. It is not difficult. Remember how your relationship began, how you were, and how you were able to win her heart.
But if a woman no longer intends to return, then, no matter how difficult it may be, you will have to put an end to this and live on, not relying on attachment to her. Clarification of relations, disputes and disassembly here will not help in any way and will not fix anything. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. The only important thing is that this difficult situation must be experienced from the psychological, physical and material sides.
A new model of behavior needs to be built on the basis of the attitude towards oneself, towards now ex-wife and all your surroundings.
In most cases, a man will want to fight for his happiness and try to return everything. Is there any sense in this? After all, there is a possibility that a man at one time simply made the wrong choice, especially if very little time has passed since the marriage. When there is still a period of courtship, a person may not fully open up.
It takes a lot of time to understand everything completely. Maybe your consciousness tried to hint to you that something was wrong, but you did not understand this or simply ignored it? And now everything has become clear. You just need to accept that you are wrong and not try to return the one with whom you cannot be together.
But there is also another situation. The wife decided to leave her husband, although they lived happily ever after for many years. Such a decision was given very, very difficult, but most likely, they were as well thought out as possible, and the reasons for leaving were indeed very significant.
There is no point in going in cycles in returning it. The woman left voluntarily, and no one forced her. She herself made this choice. You cannot change it. Of course, her decision may change, but persistent demands or constant quarrels and showdowns definitely cannot affect this.
For a woman to decide to cheat, she needs not a single reason, but a whole set of needs. which were not satisfied in a timely manner. You can try talking to her about what happened. But remember that this rarely produces any meaningful results for you. At such a time, all the accumulated negativity from family life and feelings of guilt from the deed, which means that she is not able to give normal intelligible answers.
The stronger sex also cannot reason normally and adequately at this time. He is filled with misunderstanding of the situation and strong resentment. It happens that after a lapse of time, the couple nevertheless begins to see each other, and an understanding of the feelings of each of you comes to both of them. Here communication begins with a clean slate. But the relationship will no longer be the same. This will be a new period of life. And other relationships between new people will begin.
Summarizing all of the above, we can conclude that if your wife left you for another man, start looking for problems and shortcomings in yourself, and do not blame everything ex-spouse. After all, she leaves for a reason, she definitely has good reasons for this.
